Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Mommy (not a)Jerkface & Twitter: NOT Perfect Together

The other day I was talking on the phone with my lovely, long-suffering and ever-supportive Mommy (not a)Jerkface...

Me: We've got our trip booked to Forks.

M(na)J: I can't believe you're actually doing this...

Me: I know! Me neither! I'm SO excited. There are going to be like a forty women going!

M(na)J: [heaving a giant, resigned sigh] You're going to get arrested.

Me: [Giggling] Well, then I'll meet Charlie!

M(na)J: I don't think Charlie is going to be as nice in real life as he was in the book.

Me: Nah, it'll be fine. They even have a Twilight lounge! With booze and possibly karaoke!

M(na)J: [heaving a giant, resigned sigh] You're going to get arrested. I don't want to know if you do. I'm serious.

Me: I won't get arrested! We're going to make bonfires at La Push-

M(na)J: [sounding totally fucking horrified] See!? You really ARE going to get arrested!

Me: [huffing] No we won't! You have to get a permit for the bonfire or Sam and his pack of mutts kick your ass or something. But I will not get arrested. We're just going to take lots of pictures and drink and have a good time.

M(na)J: I can't believe you're doing this. I hope the family never finds out.

Me: Listen, Moo, if they find out about the blog, my Forks trip is the least of my problems. And yours.

M(na)J: Well, I'm torn between being totally mortified and thinking this is hysterical. Make sure you post pictures while you're out there! Oh, are you going to Tweet? I'll follow you on Twitter!!
[A moment of silence ensues as I recall, with a small amount of horror, some of the more "lively" Twitter conversations I've had recently.]

Me: NOOOOOOO! For the love of all that is holy do NOT follow me on the Twitter!

M(na)J: It can't possibly be worse than the blog!! It's only 140 characters!

Me: Trust me, it's bad. Do NOT follow me. I can break laws of morality in 20 characters. 140 is a piece of cake.

M(na)J: {Huffing} Fine. Just take lots of pictures.

Me: Don't worry, I'll post my mugshot...

Hi Mom!!

I finally made her promise to never EVER follow me on Twitter EVER and then we signed off but she got me thinking and I got the best idea. Of my life (to date, anyway): it might be really funny to mess with Mommy (not a)Jerkface via Twitter (I also realized that I am a completely diabolical, evil douche-daughter).

I can only imagine the clusterfuck of tweets that's going to occur while we're all in Forks:

VitaminR70 - Woo hoo! Forks here we come!! @JennyJerkface thinks 10 am is late enough to start drinking. I agree!

LatchkeyWife - Hey! @JennyJerkface is a total twat b/c she hoseyed the last bagel at the continental breakfast. Suck monkey dick, bitch.

JennyJerkface - @LatchkeyWife - Hey! M(na)J is following my tweets. Don't swear. Stupid asshole.

And then maybe we could... well, you know, play a few games with folks. Namely my poor, loving, wonderful mother who thinks it's wise to follow me on Twitter...

SnarkierThanYou - at Twilight Lounge. @JennyJerkface is heckling the locals. This doesn't bode well.

VitaminR70 - Where is @SnarkierThanYou?! @JennyJerkface is causing a ruckus!! Her and @LatchkeyWife are gonna get in trouble.

SnarkierThanYou - Hiding in the motel room... I can't watch @JennyJerkface & Johnny (Charlie?) Law tussle. Don't taze her, bro!

JennyJerkface - Woot! I met Charlie!! Mom was right tho: Charlie's a total dick in RL. Hey! What's w/ the handcuffs?! Wait I think I like it...

Annnnnnd then...nothing. For, like a few hours. Or days. It'll be like the time ML was on tour and I hadn't heard from him in 2 days so I went to his Facebook page and there was a comment about how they got into a fight at a bar in Mississippi and stole some booze or something and I was all holy-fucking-shit-they-killed-him freaking out but then everything turned out fine.

And you people wonder why I don't have kids? I think it's like an unwritten rule but nine times out of ten your kid is much badder than you are. So, yeah, I don't want to even fathom the shit my own kid would come up with.

I can only imagined what the Forks local news will sound like after our departure. And clearly, I'm not the only one. Who knows - maybe they'll catch wind of our pilgrimage and try to stop us before we even get started.

But I doubt it. Or at least I'd like to see them try... Bring on the cuffs, Charlie!


  1. Yes, twitter, facebook and my blog are bad things for my mom to see, yet she found them and now is trying to weasel her way into my pilgrimage to Forks with my friends. My mom read my blog and would talk to me for a week. ahhh the silence.

  2. My Mom is completely techno-tarded. I am a lucky, lucky girl. ;-)

  3. Well our Bates motel room, oops, I mean Forks suite is booked! We have two convicts from Texas and one from Georgia going to date. My DH has already informed me that if I end up in jail or anywhere else for that matter, I am on my own with the rest of *those crazies*.....what happens in Forks stays in Forks *crickets chirp*


  4. Hey the cops in forks are not all that bad looking... I'll email ya a photo of one that we took during the Twilight DvD release party!!!

  5. (@AGirlintheSouth) My mom DOES follow me on twitter which is why @laxplays and I are referring to this trip as our "Seattle Girls Weekend". If she hears I'm going to Forks with 40 crazy alcoholics she's bound to have me committed!!! Woohoo! Moral - Don't let your mother follow you on twitter!

  6. I'm truly worried that I'm going to jail. I won't last in jail, I may be bald, but I'm a black woman so I need my daily supply of hair care products. I can't last without my hair care products. I'm getting frantic just thinking about this - good Lord, I need a drink.

    Before I pass out in my drunken drool I need to say your M(na)J sounds ridiculously cute.

  7. You get arrested, I'll start the riot. I know how to make molotov cocktails - and I ain't afraid to do it.

    Okay. Fine. I won't.

    Hi Mommy(not a) Jerkface!

  8. My mother can't figure out a cell phone...so thank god she won't be following me on Twitter any time soon. As far as Forks is concerned...she thinks I'm going to the equivalent of a Mid-life-crisis-Star-Wars-Convention, except I'm not in mid life yet and we don't wear costumes...(right? should I bring a costume?)

  9. When I first brought up the idea of Forks to my hubby, I was waiting for the inevitable "WTF? Are you crazy?" But sadly he knows me too well and was very accepting saying "I knew this day would come..." Quickly followed by "I will not bail you out. Don't even call me." Funny how our loved ones all have the same reaction = jail time. Hmmmm....

    I will NOT bring this up with my Mom. She still has not gotten over me going to a NKOTB concert (or 3) last year.

    I am trying to get to FOOOOORRRRKKSS with you all. I will be in Seattle in July for work and and could make my own pilgrimage then, on the company dime. Would be cheaper but not as fun! I'm working on figuring it all out...

  10. This is why I keep all my shit secret from my family... so I don't have to worry about my mother having a stroke reading the filth I spew on Twitter. This is a fucking hilarious post! We are SO getting into trouble in Forks! My mom had a similar reaction when I told her I was going... she's all afraid that I'm going with a bunch of women I've never met before.... I said ya ma, kinda like when I went away to college!! LOL!!

  11. You already know that my mom has lectured me about my blog and asked how she could "get ahold of this STY and JJ" because I maybe, sort of, tried to deflect the blame on you two ;) I am sure if she had figured out what twitter was and how to follow me on it, she would have had a Priest over and hel an exorcism. So, I haven't actually told her about the trip to Forks, yet. There have been enough hints dropped on my blog about the trip, so if/when she figures it out, I'll man up, but not a day sooner. LOL!



  12. LOL!!

    I asked Dangrmomma if she wanted to go along...can we guess what her answer was? If not, it was no :(
    So instead I converted my best friend to Twilight and am dragging her along. I sent in my room request today and am waiting a response. Flight plans are next.

    I think M(na)J should go along, we would all love to meet her :)

  13. Why do I get the feeling that Forks is going to officially close to all Twilight tourist trips and have a local tax increse to cover the cost of all public damage to the town inflicted by out of control Twitards trying to get "cuffed" by Charlie? It sounds like it's going to be a kick ass trip!!

  14. I could not stop laughing at the thought of your mom following you on twitter. *wiping tear* That’s too funny.

    But hey guess what! I’m going to FFFOORRKKSS and god forbid those with iPhones that can post a pic in a split second.

  15. @DangrDafne - Woot woot!!

    @HG - Good grief, thanks for the reminder about the split-second pics. Yikes!

  16. I would love to participate in the debauched twitter goings on but you guys need to follow me PNWLuna so you get my tweets.

    @SnarkierThanYou I mentioned to my Bobward about your Peen Pic. He suggested that Mr STY should have simply sent a picture of a butcher knife to the guy! That even makes me cross my legs! Poor Mr Bobbit I think Lorena used a dull knife on him. Ouch!!

  17. Just read an article about the Forks cops being really pissed about the sign in front of the Swan House being stolen twice now.

    Keep away from the signs to avoid arrest!

  18. If Charlie really were the Forks Chief of Police, my mother would antagonize him on purpose with the sole aim of being frisked. She has a thing for him.

    I hope those of you who are not big drinkers are starting to build up your tolerance now. You're gonna need it!

  19. That's it! Now I know I need to get a twitter account. If for no other reason than to follow the Forks shenanigans from afar.

  20. Freaking brilliant post. I love M(not a)Jerkface!!!! I am not sure I would ever have a chance of her returning the love if she followed you on Twitter.....though I am much sweeter than you JJ ;-)

    Have you just foreshadowed that I will have some sort of mobile tweeting capability by the time I go to Forks? Cuz I can't do that with my current lowtech phone. Fingers crossed.

    I am completely certain that Mr. VitaminR would keel over laughing and hang up the phone if I called him and told him I was in the slammer in Forks. Yep. We are on our own Twitards.


  21. So I'm thinking of biting the bullet and reserving the hotel room tomorrow, crossing my twilight-toes they still have availability. If Twired Sista' can't come because of school or whatev'...so what...it's not like I can't travel alone!?! And shit, a weekend of drinking, karoake, drinking, eating, drinking, talking shit, drinking..sounds like fun to me!!!
    PLUS, notsotwired bf already said "ok"....he'd had a few beers...but hey! Like everyone else says...I'll throw in a couple extra Beeeeejaaaayyyysssssssssss.

    @Vitamin R... we haven't met! Latchkey will vouch, I'm a pretty cool chick.

  22. Wait a twi minute...Vitamin R...r u Linda? Still trying to figure out who Linda is, that emailed me...

  23. I already told my mom that if she were to ever get a FB account, I would never accept her friend request. She still doesn't understand why. But I do! So, of course, Twitter and Blog would be out of the question too, if she knew these existed, that is.

    @Mrs.P. - ROFL at Star Wars Convention comparison. And, I'm pretty sure you've already got your costume packed.

    @All - still jealous about that pilgrimage.

  24. JJ/STY, can you email me your itinerary? I know that it's here somewhere on the blog, I'm just a lazy ass (and also at work) so I can't email myself with the information for fear of it being recorded. atzathas @ gmail . com

    I am totes interested in joining you in Forks. I know I am a newb and no one knows me, but I promise I'm not a serial killer.

  25. JJ and STY...Like Athena said - I am planning on going to Forks for your pilgramage but will be staying at the RV park there.

    I will also have 2 other Twi fans with me and we want to be able to participate in all of your activities. Please add my e-mail to any list you have or may have for the itinerary.


  26. Ah yes, another hilarious and yet oh so very poignant post!

    I have long debated about sharing my RL twitter account with my lascivious twi-fanfic life. It doesn't exact "mesh well"

    ps lascivious is totally my new favorite twi-fanfic word.

  27. I just remembered something ladies...

    When we are in Forks there may be filming a reality show about Forks and some of our mayhem may get caught on tape... Just saying...

    I don't know if the reality show has got a go ahead or not but they were holding auditions in the town a while back....

  28. @red_bella I totally forgot about the reality show. Well, I am only giving consent for them to film me if the give me tons and tons and tons of money. I have a template for a Rob mask....we could take over the town in Rob masks....ha!

  29. Well I'm in with Cazza/@laxplays and @AGirlintheSouth. However, I may be house hunting in Forks since I may not be allowed to go back home.

    Apparently I'm out of my mind for trekking across the country to spend drunken nights with 40 women I've never actually "met."

    Baby, you knew I was crazy when you married me.

  30. @red_bella Holy shit! That would blow some of the covers a few Twitards have mentioned using to make the trip. LOL!

  31. I love M(na)JF!
    My mom and essentially everyone I know has asked me about going to spend the weekend with a bunch of women I don't know in real life.
    But then I can point to VitaminR and say, well, I met her at Twitarded and I know her in real life, so see? Nothing to worry about. Seriously. Let's be honest. I spend countless hours with the lot of you everyday, even if it's not face to face.

  32. @ KittyElvis - I spend more time with you ladies in Twitardia than I do with my own husband and you all probably know me better than he does.

  33. hi everybody!

    we don't have an itinerary yet... we are working on it and on having another location to go for info other than facebook (thanks for keeping track on FB, VitaminR!).

    we are all in biiiiig trouble if they are filming a reality show while we are there - lol! if they got a load of us they might want to have us BECOME the reality show - lol!

    we all know more about each other then most of our RL friends know about us. i think it will take a drink or two for all of us to get comfy with that fact once we come face to face and then we'll be over it and have a hell of a time. : )

    veriword = "swine" (no idea where to go with that but thought it was noteworthy)

  34. As I was reading your post STY, my gmail received a new email and it was my confirmation from the Forks Motel!!!! WOO HOO!!!!

  35. I soooo want to go to Forks with you ladies (or should I call you BITCHES). My husband said NO WAY IN HELL!!! I will continue to break him down, if I ask everyday he is bound to give in, right? :) Maybe it can be an early birthday present?!?!?!

  36. I convinced my fellow twi-hard at work to go to Forks with me, but I will never let her see your Twitter accounts...at least not before she buys her plane ticket. ;)

    BTW - I've been a Twitarded reader for months, just too lazy to comment. Anyway, I figured I might as well start posting now so I'm not a TOTAL stranger by the time we all meet in FOOORKSS!

  37. I have two non-twilight friends interested in going strictly because they know we would have a kick-ass time, based on my enthusiasm lever (I think). Still, I have insisted in schooling them in Twi-lore so they don't embarrass me. Don't worry.

  38. Um, I meant LEVEL, but lever would work too I think. (Refilling glass now.)

  39. So, what are the official dates of the pilgrimage? Must make plans!

  40. Haha yesterday my mom's all "I'm bored with facebook. I hate how people post what they're doing. I don't care if you woke up, had eggs and toast, gave the kids a bath and are now going grocery shopping. Who the fuck cares?!?" (My mom doesn't usually talk like this, she just had some wine and was running on very little sleep). I then told her I was really bored with facebook also and that I'm all about Twitter now. She told me "Oh maybe I'll join Twitter and follow you!" I thought about it for a minute and then recalled a convo me and my bff had on Twitter recently about "How cool twitter is because you can write 'I just f***ed a horse' and no one would care." SO gross and no idea how my bff came up with that but I do NOT need my mom knowing we talk like that.


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