Monday, April 12, 2010

Billy Burke Rocks Out With His Cock Out. Well, Not Really...

Oh hai, Billy Burke, it's me, Jenny Jerkface.

Let me preface this post by saying you are probably the only actor/character in the entire Twilight enterprise that Snarkier Than You and I have not raked over the coals in some way, shape or form.

My prayers have been answered!! JJ is FINALLY talking shit about someone else!!!

In general, Twitarded is a place that resides outside of our heads and away from the hushed whispery conversations where STY and I normally do our condemning. You see, we firmly believe that everyone, including ourselves, needs someone else to make fun of them. Just for a little while.

And yet, here I sit, chubby hands poised over the keyboard, preparing to write what may be the Virgin Post of Billy Burke Mockery.

RPattz: Yo, should we warn Billy that Jenny Jerkface likes to talk about poop?
JBone: Naaaaaaaah.... Hope he doesn't let her use the toilet in his trailer...

I'm not sure whether to feel proud or ashamed of this. Really, there are simply too many emotions going on right now. I think I need a glass of wine.

Charlie Swan = DILF with a badge. And handcuffs. Oh the games we could play, Chief, the games we could play...

We like you, Billy. A lot. You're obviously super talented and an all around awesome guy. I mean, Charlie Swan steals every fucking scene he's in and you make the cop-stache look pretty damn hot. Then I finally saw a picture of you sans cop-stache and... well, holy shit. Let's put it this way -- you're pretty fucking easy on the eyes. Fucking, humina humina!

Check out the gallery here for some really yummy pictures...

Not only that, but I've seen your tweets. I don't follow you because it's hard to tweet shit about someone if there is a chance they might read it but you're totally chillax (I just punched myself in the tit for using that word), funny and seem really down to earth so I feel a little twinge of something that feels like guilt for writing anything negatory about you.

Why are we writing about you now, you ask? After all this time?

You see, it's been brought to my attention that you are releasing an album.

It seems like only yesterday when I heard the rumor on Twitter so I decided to investigate because, honestly, music is kind of my thang. Like, I love it like a fat kid loves cake. I feel very protective of it and hate it when really bad music gets out there because said musician already has ties in the industry while a bunch of super uber talented bands are left to languish on the sidelines because they weren't good looking enough or didn't have the right contacts to make it big.

And I feel protective of you, Billy. I have to admit, when I first heard about your album I might have groaned a little but not because of you, I promise! It's because I don't want you turning into this guy:

Aggggh!!!! Where's the eye bleach?! WHERE IS THE EYE BLEACH?!!!

The whole actor-turned-musician-thing is a slippery slope into cheesiness and at first I was concerned that you might pull a Hasselhoff and the next thing I know I'm watching Youtube videos of you drunk, in your underwear and yelling at someone for a cheeseburger. (This sounds like a typical Saturday night for me, but I'm not a famous actor/musician so it's okay. Plus, Sober Me is smart enough to hide the video cameras before Drunk Me comes out to play...)

Anyway, I just don't want that for you.

Which is why I signed up at your brand spanking new website for the free MP3 of one of your songs.

But what gives, Billy? I have to wait for the download?! I have about as much patience as a 2 year old on crack, dude.

But I'll wait, just for you. In the meantime, I checked out your website and I have to admit that I don't think you'll go the way of the Hasselhoff. I mean, not only do we share the same birthday but you like Tom Waits!! I think this post might have taken a dark turn to Mockeryville if you cited Styxx or Poison as an influencing band, but with Tom Waits under your belt and in your head, how could anything go wrong?

In fact, Tom Wait's is the genius behind what I'd like to consider my own theme song:



I'm keeping my fingers crossed, Billy. But I think it's gonna be allllllll good.

P.S. - You are probably the only actor in the saga that has a very small possibility of this post getting back to you, since you tweet and stuff and seem a little more, ahem, "hands on" then the others. Honestly, I really hope that doesn't happen because... well, I just don't. But if it does, PLEEEEEEASE don't tell the others about us, 'kay? Let's keep it our little secret...

83 comments:

  1. Billy Burke go way of the Hasslehoff?? Please don't let this happen, please! I don't think I could take it. But if it does, then we can rake him over the coals, as you say. But until then, I heart you Billy Burke!!

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  2. I definitely think there's a high chance of either him or PFach getting wind of your posts. The Hasselhoff in speedos - god, eye bleach is not enough! Off to check out Billy's site...

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  3. I will NEVER forgive you for that pic of The Hoff. Eye bleach, indeed!

    With Billy's speaking voice, I can only hope his singing voice is just as hot. I could listen to him say, "always am", all day!

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  4. I'm blind now, so thanks a lot for that. You hassled me with the Hoff.

    I've been seeing Billy's tweets (I *do* follow him), and I'll be interested to hear what he puts out. Let's hope it doesn't make me want to drink two beers and clean my shotgun.

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  5. @JJ. LMAO. 'bout damn time! always had a crush on officer charlie. i don't know why, but he reminds me of an old version of tyler's roommate aiden, from RM.

    i saw the hoff speedo looming ahead, and from the corner of my eye, and totes blinked right past that shit so ima ok.

    it's only fair chief swan gets some luvins, so without further adieu...

    http://tinyurl.com/charliecool

    vs: gracte

    i'm so very gracte chief swan had the keys to his handcuffs on him - otherwise it would have been one fucking embarrassing sitch.

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  6. mmmm oh yeah. can't resist...i'm on the fookin list.

    oh daddy cool!

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  7. Ewewewewewwwwwwwww!!!! How in the FUCK was that ever a sex symbol?! I think my eyes are bleeding...

    VW: abircdo. Yes, there is a Burke I'd love to do.
    ;D

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  8. I'd totally do Billy Burke... and that picture of Hasselhoff is going to give me fucking nightmares. Thanks a lot Jerkface.

    Fucking funny ass post. Love the caption with RPattz and JBone!!

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  9. I love Billy Burke. He is sooo not the overweight dad with receding hair that I pictured when originally reading the books. Dayum how did Bella's dad get to be younger than me & twice as hot? Anyway, it's funny you should mention the Hoff. I'm watching Monday Night Wrestling & the Hoff is tonight's guest host. How weird is that???? Actually Mr TM is watching wrestling & I'm checking blogs.

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  10. JJ being nice? Well if there was anyone who deserved nice from you, it would be Billy Burke. I agree that he seems very down to earth and I can totally hear him laughing while reading this post. I can't wait to hear his song.

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  11. Great post, JJ! I hope he does read it, actually. I imagine he has a crazy-ass sense of humor and that you two would get along famously. Thanks for the link to the website. I was supposed to tell him you sent me over there, right? LMAO!

    Lisa

    P.S.: Wait until Mama Cougar hears about this. She loves her some Billy Burke!

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  12. Because I remember odd things at odd times...the only time I remember you mentioning him in the past was when you "threw him a pass" when you were talking about the acting in Twilight. It cracked me up...and since then i love the phrase to "throw you a pass". LMAO!!!
    He is awesome and steals the show whenever he is on screen.

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  13. Billy Burke is hawtness. VitaminR and I have had this conversation before, too. I think he's intrinsically too cool to end up like the Hoff or Don Johnson (Remember THAT nightmare?). And I totally hope he reads this, too. I bet he would laugh.

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  14. THE HOFF in a FUCKING SPEEDO?! REALLY?! You are SERIOUSLY beginning to earn the name Jerkface. But I fucking LOVE you for it!!!

    Now that my brain stopped short-circuiting, I finally stopped twitching, and I can SEE again...

    I love Billy Burke! I think he's a WAY better Charlie than what I'd imagined! (A few of the supporting actors were a bit off for me - just sayin.)

    I seriously hope he'll do alright in music biz, but I hope he mostly continues acting. Now if ROB wanted to release an album...

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  15. @KittyElvis
    @VitaminR
    You know BB is a local boy! Well, Bham which is almost local.
    I like him because he's one of the two men in the main cast who are not too young for me. (well, almost)

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  16. team charlie!

    he's down with the kids.

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  18. @HV - I swear I cannot wait for your comments. So damn funny!!

    Lisa

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  19. Aggg the hoff good god!
    Gotta check out Billy's web site and perhaps send him the link to this post... Being the shit disturber that I am...

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  20. Great post but that photo of the Hoff just about made me puke up all of my internal organs. That was just wrong...and on so many levels. He should have to pay a ginormous fine every time that photo is viewed!

    v/w: perctant - I am 100 perctant sure that the Hoff could be used as a WMD. Imagine the screaming and running he could cause!

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  21. Oh jesus...I was all excited about trying to decide b/w free mustache rides and stubble burns, then The Hoff invades my periphery. WTF, JJ?!

    ...So an album, huh? Well, I'm with you. Anyone who lists Tommy W as an influence has my vote.

    Unf...on my way to find some Charlie fics. Oh, Billy Burke, I promise to stay kinda still during a full cavity search.


    JJ- didja get my email?

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  22. Oh JJ, I was having so much fun admiring your lovely photo selections today. Cooing over RPattz and JBone, Sighing dreamily at Charlie. Quickly followed by squeals of delight at the hawtness that is Billy.

    ...and than...and than...oh god it's like a bad 'Nam flash back, you had to pull out the Hoff.

    WHY JENNY, WHY?

    I do not understand the necessity of a speedo AND a shirt! Ok, I don't understand the necessity of a speedo EVER! The image is burned into my retinas you bitch!

    @RobzSinger, brilliant and I'm totally with you!!!

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  23. True Story - a few years ago my oven broke -and the repair guy was doing his thing (with the oven) and inexpicably, the subject of Star Trek, TNG came up. The repair guy pulls out of his toolbox (now, wait for it), a CD of tunes recorded by the stars of ST TNG. And, inexplicably, I played it, while my oven was repaired. Oh, well, it was slightly better than other trades I have had to negotiate to get something fixed in my house.

    My ears will never be the same. Please Billy, say it isn't so - the world has had enough pain without another god awful collection of music.

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  24. MY EYES! MY EYES! WTF JJ??? That Hasselhoff picture should be fucking illegal! If I don't go blind in the next 12 minutes I will consider myself blessed. Or at least really fucking lucky.

    Bella's daddy has always made me smile, and even squirm a little. The album should be interesting.

    And frankly, I would be very surprised if some of "them" didn't pop over here every now and then to see what you two screaming bitches are up to. Seriously.

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  25. I so silently hope that there already reading what you ladies write about them and comment under 'anonymous'!
    BTW I effing love Billy Burke (in case you gals didn't notice from the alias). I'd totally do him any day of the week, porn 'stache or not... (I have a big fantasy about chief Swan's cruiser too, to tell you the truth), and I'll definitely be checking out the album when it comes out.
    Oh, and also, is it bad that I have no idea what the Hoff did as an actor, but I have a very vivid memory of him singing in his lighted leather jacket when the Berlin wall came down?

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  26. Well, I love me some Billy Burke...he had me at "Vitamin R". He is by far the more age appropriate choice but what's the fun in that. Billy make us hometown fans (@Kitty_Elvis, @kintail) proud....puhlease...I would be lying if I didn't say I am a lot nervous for you right now.....prove me wrong Chief Swan.

    Oh and if Billy and Tom Waits (love ya too Tom) check their tweets...they will be here lurking....**running away from JJ's Doc Marten steel toed boot that is heading toward my ass**
    ;-) <3

    v/w: Swands

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  27. My day soooo could've gone without that Hasselhoff speedo photo.

    But I am willing to give Billy benefit of the doubt. I'll at least hear his shit. You know, when I first saw Burke without his stache, I couldn't recognize him. Seriously, I was like, why's this guy on the red carpet for New Moon, who's he?

    Yep, I know, I'm slow. I hope that this turns into advantage when it comes to dying, too, know what I'm saying? :D

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  28. You know, I always thought that I'd be friends with Bella... I'd even, happily endure her whining.
    Only for two reasons:
    To get closer to Edward ..and Daddy Swan ;)

    Oh and no need to worry 'bout Billy pullin' a Hoff. Even if his album turns out to be an atrocity, he'd never be able to rival or even match that much royal douchery that is the Hoff.

    Re Hoff pic: Just think.. he posed for that pic. And probably was all like: Yeah! I look good!!!
    ::shivers::

    Hypo V: LMFAO You kill me!
    --Anyone who'd google THAT, well, their ass probably belongs at Twitarded anyway...

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  29. ha ha eye bleach!

    Billy Burke is yummy :)

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  30. am i the only one who saved the hoff pic to my computer?

    it may be my new FB profile pic.

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  31. Oy...love the Billy Burke. I also had doubts when I saw the album release tweets.

    NEVER. Subject us to the Hoff in speedos again. That was just evil.

    I can't tell you how may times I've thought about Billy Burke seeing the "Charlie Swan Tribute" photos on our blog. We would be mortified. Although they are pretty funny.

    Good times.

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  32. You had me at rockin out with his cock out....yeah cause I'm all about the cock *shrugs* btw, word verification was cogger which made me giggle because in my warped mind I thought of cock...again, it's all about the cock.

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  33. I can't believe some of you evil bitches actually tweeted this to Billy Burke!!! LMAO!!

    I do hope that if he reads this he at least has a sense of humor.

    Oh, and sorry about the Hasselhoff picture. At least I didn't embed the Youtube video!! See? I can be nice once in awhile, lol.

    @RobsZinger - did you seriously make that pic your desktop. I'm impressed.

    @Stoney - Tee hee, could you imagine what he would think of those pics? They were amazing and incredibly funny!! He'd probably get a total kick out of them.

    I just like to pretend that none of the actors ever go on the internet. Ever.

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  34. I love me some Billy/Charlie. He is smokin' HOTT. Period. I love his voice...speaking and singing. "Always am" is like dirty pillow talk.

    We're having a giveaway of the Twilight sort on our blog starting today! We'd love for you to come over and enter!

    Tess

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  35. well JJ, the h00rs of Twitardia got BB to read your blog. I was not a part of it I SWEAR!! lol He seems to have a sense of humor, which I didnt doubt!

    Seeing that damn pic of The Hoff made me thankful that I am too young to have had to gone through that ridiculousness (yes it is a word thank you!)

    Now off to visit Billy's website, I need to get on this list so I can see what his music is all about

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  36. Hey, STY - checked your twitter feed lately? heh.

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  37. I love that Billy Burke has read this tweet and he has a frggin' sense of humor in RL - Billy has just become my favorite actor of the saga.

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  38. @TJB I second that......

    x

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  39. HOLY SHIT woman you are WICKED BUSTEDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!

    I laughed so much this afternoon that my bladder exploded.

    I'll be sending you my medical bills.

    MC

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  41. AAAAGGHH!!! C'mon now, you knew it was gonna happen sooner or later...how hawt for you that it was BB that finally read one of your posts!

    And what a post to read! Brilliant!

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  42. Welp, in the words of Mama Cougar - I'm buuuuuuusted. Shizz.

    At first I was all "holy fuck THAT is so cool!!"

    Then I was "HOLY FUCK, I suggested he might go the way of the Hoff!!"

    And then it was "Ah fuck it, Billy Burke's got a great sense of humor..."

    Then I realized what the fuck I named this post.

    Sorry, dude...

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  43. LMAO, JJ you got caught red-handed! It won't be long before you and BB are best buds, and he's going to want his own pair of Twitarded....speedos.

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  44. Oh, JJ, what a great day in the land of Twitardia. I wish I could have seen your reaction when you found out he tweeted STY. Classic!

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  45. I agree with HV, first rule of twitarded, do not talk about twitarded. Haha

    seriously JJ were all as fucked as you if he goes as far as reading the comments. Think of the dirty things we've all said. Fuck our lives

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  46. JJ & STY, love you guys and am dying laughing that Billy read your post!! I knew he would be cool with it. What a stud :)

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  47. Holy Fucking Crap! Are you guys dying right now or what? You are like one degree of seperation away from the precious...............HOLY CRAP!

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  48. Hey Snarky! Get back to twitter--Billy wants you to pimp him! ;)

    I'm serious!

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  49. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I love you two snatches so much.
    Yes, Charlie has always had my love. And let me just tell you....the hardest I cried during New Moon was when he was carrying Bella back from Sam. EVERY TIME it gets me! Go Billy weeeee!

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  50. HOLY SHIT!!! You are SO going to meet The Precious someday - you are so IN - you fucking suck...of course I mean that with the utmost love & respect.

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  51. @Raptor and HV - Rules are made to be broken, right? Ooops.

    This could be veeeeery interesting.

    @Twilight Junkie - I'm still pretty sure the only way I'll ever meet the Precious is in a Court room when I'm getting handed a restraining order... lol.

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  52. Holy Crap! Billy Burke tweeted about you! You are officially off the chi-chain!!!!


    WOOOOOOHOO!!!!

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  53. Awesome!!!!
    Congrats on the props from the ultimate Stache-DILF Oh yeah. He's da bomb.

    Billy Burke is a super hawttie!!!

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  54. Oh my goodness: Two tweets from Billy Burke. For those not on Twitter, this is what I found from him:

    # @SnarkierThanYou Just read ur blog while eating a burger w/Baywatch sauce. wink. That Waits vid is one of my faves. http://billyburke.net


    # Hey Snark - I'll pimp- http://bit.ly/9I63jL you pimp- http://billyburke.net We'll tear this this joint up. What say?


    That is awesome!!

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  55. OMG...I am screaming over here! This is fucking crazy.
    I don't know whether to be excited as all get out or disturbed at what he now has knowledge of...hmmm

    I do think he needs a twitarded pin to put on his guitar strap though!!

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  56. You whores! :-D Congrats on being noticed by the sexaaayyy Billy Burke :-D I love that he's got such a sense of humor about it all! Love it! Totally made my night :)

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  57. and it was tweeted that all was right in twitardia, and that bb is da bomb.

    and so it shall be so.

    ummm hmmm...sty and bil-ly, sitting in a tree...tweet-tweet-tweet-ing he-he-he.

    ah, let the pimp-fuckery beginz.

    wha' next for twitards o'er the land?

    mmmm i spy with my twitarded eye...O-fucking-PRAH.

    ok i'm off now to find some bb manips. this shit is gonna be righteous...

    vw: desse

    i desse it was just a matter of time until sty got busted by charlie-dilf-swan.

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  58. @dangrdafne - Thank you for putting the tweets in the comments!!

    As for Billy Burke, please don't read the poop post, please don't read the poop posts, please don't read the poop posts...

    ;)

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  59. First off. Big Props to you JJ for getting some additional exposure over to Billy's blog. I'm headed over there to sign up, and seriously, I knew Billy was hot.

    As for scene stealer. He's amazing. Absolutely amazing, and I wish him a lifetime of success. I'm not only Team Charlie, but I'm Team Billy!

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  60. I feel all special. Puffy hearts to all. We may be some horny, crazy bitches, but we gots us some Billy now!! All cause we are Twitards. Kisses to JJ & STY. Have no shame ladies.
    SparkleMindy

    Damn thing wouldn't let me sign in!

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  61. hey remember that time with the ladywear? THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!!!

    JJ and STY, you know I heart you sofa king much, its retarded!

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  62. OMG! you are like so famous:)

    Now we just have to make sure you girls get on the Oprah Twilight Show. Cause you know Rob is going to secretly show up. Oprah loves surprises! It's Rooooooobert Pattinsoooooooon!

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  63. oh, and i almost forgot...don't forget the little people now that you and BB are besties. we need love too.

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  64. Ok, sorry, one post was not enough to contain my excitement! HOORAY SO MUCH FOR YOU LADIES!!!

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  65. @KG - SOOOO much better than the ladywear!! LOL!!!

    :)

    @RobzSinger - No way in hell would Oprah let our crass asses on her show. Hell would freeze over first.

    Plus, I would poop myself on national television. I just know it.

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  66. @RobzSinger - Little people my ass! You all are our life now...

    Mwah!!

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  67. JJ- epic post! You done us proud!
    Well, I really could have gone my entire day without the Baywatch sauce visual thankyouverymuch.

    Ps...thanks for not talking about poop today.

    Fkat

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  68. YOU. MUST. GET. ON. OPRAH. :-D

    Ok, how do we make this happen? I am so morbidly curious about what the hell she would even do with you wonderfully foul-mouthed bitchezzzz. JJ, I have every confidence in you that you would not poop yourself. And no one will notice a little farting. Just do it discreetly. Lean in to Oprah like you're really, really interested in what she's saying. And just let one fly.

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  69. I've always loved billy...he even replied to the post, twice!

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  70. OMFG twitards! i just found this manip of charlie swan...buckass nay-kid.

    as hypo-vag would say, i shit you not. GAH!

    http://tinyurl.com/charlienaked

    vw: memule.

    oh yeah. you'll memule this shizz.

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  71. Good jog on the billy burke and of course he noticed. The man listens to Tom Waits, that means he is alive and paying attention...

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  72. I love Billy Burke, and I love you guys. It's like that old commercial for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups where the chocolate meets the p.b. and henceforth heavenly mouth heaven ensues. That's just what this is like, all right. Except kinda smuttier.

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  73. EPIC! Completely Epic! Well done ladies!

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  74. EPIC! Completely Epic! Well done ladies!

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  75. Hilarious, corrosive...You've made my day ladies.

    Thanks so much not only for that post but for your blog either (in my fav from now on). It was pretty tiring as a "mature" fan of the Twilight saga to read such comments as "Oh Rob, hot, hot" ;-)

    NB : That pic of Hasselhof...lol lol

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  76. Really late, just getting caught up on posts due to RL.

    JJ, I just wanted to say thank you. Because of you, Tom Waits narrated my dreams and I've had "I don't wanna grow up" as the background music to my life today.

    No sarcasm here, thank you. For real. That made it a really lovely day.

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  77. Here's the answer we all wanted to have ;-)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1sEEV5bSEo

    I have to admit that I like it

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  78. Here's the answer we all wanted to have ;-)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1sEEV5bSEo

    I have to admit that I like it

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  79. EPIC! Completely Epic! Well done ladies!

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  80. OMG...I am screaming over here! This is fucking crazy.
    I don't know whether to be excited as all get out or disturbed at what he now has knowledge of...hmmm

    I do think he needs a twitarded pin to put on his guitar strap though!!

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  81. You whores! :-D Congrats on being noticed by the sexaaayyy Billy Burke :-D I love that he's got such a sense of humor about it all! Love it! Totally made my night :)

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  82. Holy Crap! Billy Burke tweeted about you! You are officially off the chi-chain!!!!


    WOOOOOOHOO!!!!

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