So instead, the plan was to get cultured. And evidently, culture comes with loads of cocks. We spent Easter morning roaming around the enormous, never-ending Metropolitan Museum of Art. Planning a visit? Make sure you set aside the better part of a day. It's fucking huge! That's of course if you're not touring it with my husband, who can get through any museum in 2 hours or less. Although we virtually flew through the place, we seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time gaping at the nude figures peppered throughout the museum.
And that's the whole thing? Wonder if the ladies called him 'stubby'? Maybe that's why he hacked off her head...
Now I can't tell you who any of these people were, mostly because I was too focused on the package than the plaque telling me about them. But what I can tell you is that marble cocks do not hold up well over the centuries. There were more broken peckers than you can shake a stick at, yet the balls always seemed to be intact... weird. I feel bad for those dudes though... even the whole cocks were not that robust. I think if any of these guys could see how they've been memorialized, they'd be fucking pissed off. Even Mr. Latchkey noticed the lack of package size!
Once I decided that my trip to the Met was a research project in sculpted cocks throughout history, I did come to a conclusion that marble is not the best material for appendages, especially the willy. Wood holds up really well but it hardly resembles a woody. Bronze seems to be the best although Rodin either clothed his statues or they were tucking that fucking thing away somewhere... And I can honestly say from my time with the cocks, I never want to see Robward preserved as a naked marble statue--it kind of scares me a little bit. I seriously don't care how many times Stephenie Meyer describes Edward as 'marble-like', I never want him to be slighted with a teeny marble peeny. And what if it broke off while he was railing Bella? What a fucking disaster! It just ain't right!
Someone please ask Snarkier Than You WHY statues had small cocks....
ReplyDeleteDoes Snarkier Than You have a good answer to the question of WHY statues had small cocks?? If so, I am asking :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe they were all growers rather than showers?
ReplyDeleteI....AM.....DYING.....HERE!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOME!! Ha Ha Ha! I went to the MET once, gapped at all the marble statues, especially the one of Perseus you've included... aaaaannnndd then I wrote a fic about it where Edward goes south on Bella in front of a Michangelo...
ReplyDelete*fans herself*
You should have gone to the wax museum... I would have paid to see that.
Cock-a-doodle-doooo! LMAO, isn't that from "What about Bob?"
ReplyDeleteGlad your Easter weekend was cock filled-ish...I'm really bummed you didn't go to Madame
Tussuads....sniff sniff. Tell Mr. LKW that I have a bone to pick with him! Oh wait, is he still in the dark about your own blog? Does he think you're just an ocassional "guest blogger" on twitarded???
XOXO J
A cock'n easter, huh? I can honestly say that I have never had an easter surrounded by penises. Although, that is probably a good thing. I wonder how awkward it feels as a sculptor to actually carve a penis. That can't be the fun part. That is probably why they are all so small, so the artist would get done with it faster.
ReplyDelete"Never let them give you a tiny, marble cock. Mkay?" We can bring anything back around to The Precious, can't we? Even a trip to the Met. LMAO!
ReplyDeleteAnd you must really love your hubby. No way would I have been that close to Rob's waxed peen without taking a peak.
Lisa
@LivingWithEdward - that is a very interesting thought there. I like it.
ReplyDeleteI can't comment on the whole museum-and-loads-a-cock thing because you left me with a vivid image of Bella's marble like vagine totally busting up Edward's junk...yeah, she could orgasm and splinter the fuck out of his vampcock. Or what if he thrusts really hard and fast and *ahem* misses the target (come on, we've all been there) and his sparklepeen just breaks in half??? What then huh? I spose his pieces would just recompose themselves, but wouldn't it ruin the fucking moment at the very least??? It may hurt just a bit too...
ReplyDeleteSee??
See what you made me do???
xoxo
E
I think that Robward needs to be immortallized in brass. Cause after several weeks of being exposed to the elements, he will need a good rubbing......*fetches duster and a tin of Brasso*.....
ReplyDeletex
ok so i googled "why do marble statues have small penises?" or something like that and apparently large cocks were considered vulgar and disgusting at the time...they were reserved for the bad guys and mythical half-man creatures [heh-heh]. i had a much more eloquent passage typed out earlier when i made the comment on the end of LKW's post before she posted it but she deleted that shit and THEN asks me a question about it - wtf? a drink and a bowl of ice cream later and i am supposed to remember that shit?? i can only google that thing once a night, LKW, ok?? lol...
ReplyDelete: )
i want to go to the met and throw glitter on all the tiny peens now... who's in?! when you see me on the 5 o'clock news remember what all you twat waffles said about starting a bail fund if i ever needed it, ok? at the very least i expect LKW to come to town armed and dangerous to bust me outta the pokey. deal???
I agree. Please no tiny marble peen. Cocks and Robward - so timely. I am reading this and what happens.. a reference to Edward Cullen on United States of Tara.
ReplyDelete@STY: I guess that is where woman started falling for the bad guys in town. They were the only ones who were stacked.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm going to go to the craft store and get a big buget of glitter first thing in the morning and when the cashier asks me what I need it for I'm going to say "Um, well, I really want to know what Michaelangelo's David looks like with Edward Cullen's penis." I think they would understand.
@LivingWithEdward - you are on a roll tonite. That is hilarious. Just make sure I am not in the same craft store at the time ;)
ReplyDelete@STY - I think the bail fund is specially being set up for FFOORRKKSS!!! If you use it up before then, I can't promise I can get you out in FFOORRKKSS!!
When I was there in December, I kept thinking of a naked Edward. Because of all his descriptions as Adonis, Greek God, Marble like, etc.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that the peens were so teeny was quite depressing.
Funny you should post this today.
We went to the "World of Coke" in Atlanta today (as a family) Before we left my daughter texted me (that's how she communicates nowadays) and had a fantastic typo that had me giggling most of the day...
"When are we going to the 'World of Cock?"
Oh the jokes DH and I came up with for that one!
@Dangrdafne: Could I get some jelly to go with that roll? hahahaha.... Sorry, I'm hungry. Maybe we would run into eachother at a craft store some time considering how close we are, but we would never know it. Now, you are probably going to be weary of anyone chick you see carring around a bucket of glitter in a store going, I think I know her....
ReplyDeleteOnce again, LKW, we can't take you anywhere. Thank god there were no school field trippers there. We all know how you like to measure the size of things with your mouth. "Mommy, why is that skanky lady licking that statue?"
ReplyDeleteI am actually glad they made teeny peenies on statues. Otherwise, museums everywhere would be the settings of breakups and general mayhem. H00rs dry humping marble figures, less endowed men bellowing ultimatums. Dogs & cats living together. Mass hysteria.
@ LivingWithEdward - you never know I may be carrying the same bucket o' glitter ROFL!!!
ReplyDelete@ All - Living With Edward and I (Dangrdafne) are looking for anyone who is located in the Lehigh Valley are, Bucks County area, or surrounding areas in Pennsylvania who might want to get together for the Eclipse movie in June. Please contact either of us through our blogger profiles and let us know. Thank you
Sorry Twitarded for the hijack there.
OME. That's fucking golden! Great post, LKW. I always enjoy your...erm...insights. And I wish I couldve been there w you. Even if we had to fly through the Met in 2hrs, I guarandangdogtee we would have done our best to touch every teeny-peen possible.
ReplyDelete@LwE: IDK what you're talking about buying just glitter...what we need is cans of that glitter hairspray for Halloween shit. We can tag those cocks faster than a 15 y/o wannabe gangsta!
This cracked me up...because last year when i went I posed my whole family (kids and all) in front of that statue holding the Medusa head and took a picture...just to make myself laugh. The peens that were all over ancient Rome and Greece permanently scarred the kids...but it was worth it!!!
ReplyDeletedahmn. the posts are like fucking rapid fire on heerah.
ReplyDeleteballsy post, LKW. balls-eeeee. whee. brilliant as evs. the met. fucking hi-larious.
all this cock talk reminds me of something lindseyrae had to say...
"I dream about you leg hitching an ice cold pole. It's all fun and games until you need your lips torn off".
um, yeah. i guess edward would have a frozen pole, non? aren't you supposed to spit on it when skin gets stuck to any cold, frozen thing?
heh.
@Lindsay Rae: I think you are onto something with the spray glitter. Now, what I think we should do is come up with some kind of marketing scheme to make money. Have our own brand of spray glitter and we can call it "Vampire in a Can".
ReplyDeleteOK, I was laughing so hard at this post, that my husband went online to read it for himself... I kept attempting to read it outloud, but I was laughing too hard. I LOVE it!
ReplyDelete@neverthink: It's ice-cold, h00r, not frozen. Although if I had to make my tongue numb thawing it, I would be okay talking in all vowels for a few days.
ReplyDelete@LwE: We can totally do that! And if we could make it edible, it is SO making it into the Extracurricular Drawer. As long as it tastes better than the Jergens Natural Glow stuff...
i just gotta say, thanks to the superb fanfic recs from last week, i am utterly and completely in love with Emancipation Proclamation.
ReplyDeleteand i don't just heart the story - that play list is fucking awesomeness.
totes in love now w/ blue october - 18th floor balcony. i'll make room in my bed for justin. gary lightbody will just have to move the fuck over.
reminds me sooo of when i fell in love w/my hubs. that shit makes me cry. BO comes to austin in may - i'll be there. with my own clayward. *sigh*
make it snow...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7SMEfyAWfo
Oh man when I studied abroad my best friend and I always commented on the peens surrounding us. She even posted a bumpersticker on my facebook that says "lets go to a museum and see some cock." its priceless.
ReplyDeleteHey, don't forget that glitter has been declared as the herpes of the craft world.
ReplyDeleteI laughed so hard at this entire post that I literally could not breathe. Hubby must have thought I lost my mind. THANK YOU for writing such naughty, completely inappropriate amazingness for your twitarded fans to read *smexydrcullenhug*
ReplyDeleteI will have peace....because yes Edward is described as a marble sculpture Bella also describes their night on the beach as two pieces that fit pefectly.
ReplyDelete@Dangrdafne - um, you have a point... I should probably really try to stay out of trouble until Forks, 'cause I have a feeling I might really need that bail money there...
ReplyDelete: )
@Lindsay Rae: Yes, edible would be very good. However, we may have to put a disclaimer on it saying "Applying Vampire in a Can spray on edible glitter will not make Edward Cullen fall in love with you." I just have this suspicion that we would get sued.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! When my boyfriend and I went to Rome a couple of years ago we spent a whole day in a museum laughing at the cocks. Apparently the missing ones were all removed by order of a pope and theres a big box of cock in the vatican somewhere.
ReplyDeleteYou must Google "Pompeii Porn". Those Romans were SERIOUSLY kinky! Their reliefs really provided some relief.
ReplyDeleteDo it - you will not be disappointed.
@LwE: I think it should be more like "Applying Vamp in Can will not make your intended target Edward Cullen." And I'm pretty sure we could find a pretty good lawyer in the fandom.
ReplyDelete@STY: No. Throw that thought away. FOOOOOOOORRRRKKKKSSSSS! Bail always comes to those who are deserving. And I'm thinking whatever trouble we ever get into in the name of The Precious is deserving.
@Laura: Pretty sure that opens up a whole new can of worms. About whether or not the cocks are even in the box, or if they were distributed as "Welcome to the Club" gifts for other priests. BA-DUMP CHING! Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all day.
vw: jines
Jines drip at the sight of The Precious.
I'm in for attacking statue peens with glitter - in whatever form it takes! :P
ReplyDelete@Rob's Bitch - Pompeii porn is the best. My favorite picture I took when I was visiting was at the brothel. The sign is just a huge stone cock on the outside of the building. And the oil lamps were huge cocks, too.
Oh Kitty Elvis, how I so envy you getting to go to Pompeii. And seeing giant stone penis signs and lamps.
ReplyDeleteNow I REALLY want to go back to Italy!
OMFG I'm dyin over here! I did Art and Art History at school. I was the only girl in a class full of lads snickering and wondering why chicks in Renaissance paintings were fat and all the statue cocks were so small. That's when they weren't stabbing each other with chisels, making their own cock sculptures and generally giving the teacher a nervous breakdown. Sigh. Good times.
ReplyDelete@STY: That sounds like a reasonable explanation. Did you know one of the popes had a fig leaf made for Michelangelo's David? And had loincloths and shit put on the nudes in the Sistine Chapel.
The Statue of the guy holding a head is Perseus. He's holding Medusa's head. **see 'Clash of the Titans** :-)
ReplyDeleteDo you think if you were being sculpted that they'd let you pay more for a bigger cock?
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe since they were all walking around with their cocks out, they were just cold? It may have been a shrikage issue on a cold windy day.
@Laura - Have you ever heard "Dick in a Box" from SNL? If not - find it on YouTube!!! That's what I thought when I read cocks in a box - I can even hear the song in my head, "It's just my dick in a box..." LMAO!!!
ReplyDelete@Cupcake Donna,
ReplyDeleteWorld of Cock=Priceless!! How old is your daughter? This one could be used for bribery down the road...
I have never had such deep thoughts about the penis than I have had this past year. For that ladies, I thank you. Anyone know of a single man not afraid of a vampire obsessed 30 something in Virginia. I am starting to think the things actually sparkle it has been so long!
I really wish I had a comment that was better than "That was really fucking funny!" But, I don't. But I did snort several times and shake my head, yes, WHY are all the penises so small? Why? there had to be more variety in man sizes back then than what's represented here, unless all the big dicks done broke off. So sad, really.
ReplyDeleteOMFG I'm dyin over here! I did Art and Art History at school. I was the only girl in a class full of lads snickering and wondering why chicks in Renaissance paintings were fat and all the statue cocks were so small. That's when they weren't stabbing each other with chisels, making their own cock sculptures and generally giving the teacher a nervous breakdown. Sigh. Good times.
ReplyDelete@STY: That sounds like a reasonable explanation. Did you know one of the popes had a fig leaf made for Michelangelo's David? And had loincloths and shit put on the nudes in the Sistine Chapel.
Great post! When my boyfriend and I went to Rome a couple of years ago we spent a whole day in a museum laughing at the cocks. Apparently the missing ones were all removed by order of a pope and theres a big box of cock in the vatican somewhere.
ReplyDeleteHey, don't forget that glitter has been declared as the herpes of the craft world.
ReplyDeleteOK, I was laughing so hard at this post, that my husband went online to read it for himself... I kept attempting to read it outloud, but I was laughing too hard. I LOVE it!
ReplyDeletedahmn. the posts are like fucking rapid fire on heerah.
ReplyDeleteballsy post, LKW. balls-eeeee. whee. brilliant as evs. the met. fucking hi-larious.
all this cock talk reminds me of something lindseyrae had to say...
"I dream about you leg hitching an ice cold pole. It's all fun and games until you need your lips torn off".
um, yeah. i guess edward would have a frozen pole, non? aren't you supposed to spit on it when skin gets stuck to any cold, frozen thing?
heh.
OME. That's fucking golden! Great post, LKW. I always enjoy your...erm...insights. And I wish I couldve been there w you. Even if we had to fly through the Met in 2hrs, I guarandangdogtee we would have done our best to touch every teeny-peen possible.
ReplyDelete@LwE: IDK what you're talking about buying just glitter...what we need is cans of that glitter hairspray for Halloween shit. We can tag those cocks faster than a 15 y/o wannabe gangsta!
@Dangrdafne: Could I get some jelly to go with that roll? hahahaha.... Sorry, I'm hungry. Maybe we would run into eachother at a craft store some time considering how close we are, but we would never know it. Now, you are probably going to be weary of anyone chick you see carring around a bucket of glitter in a store going, I think I know her....
ReplyDelete@STY: I guess that is where woman started falling for the bad guys in town. They were the only ones who were stacked.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm going to go to the craft store and get a big buget of glitter first thing in the morning and when the cashier asks me what I need it for I'm going to say "Um, well, I really want to know what Michaelangelo's David looks like with Edward Cullen's penis." I think they would understand.
OME!! Ha Ha Ha! I went to the MET once, gapped at all the marble statues, especially the one of Perseus you've included... aaaaannnndd then I wrote a fic about it where Edward goes south on Bella in front of a Michangelo...
ReplyDelete*fans herself*
You should have gone to the wax museum... I would have paid to see that.