Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dr. Cullen, Can I Be Your Beck and Call Girl?

The Forbes story that Snarkier Than You reported on recently got me to wondering... am I chasing the wrong Cullen? Is Carlisle where it's at? I mean sure...Edward's super dreamy, but Daddy C is pretty easy on the eyes, too. Since he's much closer to my age (and I'm not talking about his vampire age you assholes), I don't feel as creepy talking about doing dirty things to him. And seriously, if all it takes for him to sprinkle some of his riches my way is a blowjob, where the fuck are my kneepads? Shit, Esme has got to leave the house at some point... although I'm not opposed to a good old-fashioned staking to get my hands on some cash.

Money, schmoney, I need a little side piece of ass!

I've never been one to date or marry for money...obviously. If I did, I would have been footing the bill for all my Twitarded friends to party it up in Forks. Fuck it, I'd buy Forks if I was rolling in the kind of dough Carlisle's sitting on. I'd buy Forks and rename is Twitardia and we could all live there and not have to work and blog all day and drink until we pass out. But I'm not rich so now I have to resort to offering sexual favors to hot, patriarchal vampires to get the payoff. How long has he been with that boring twat Esme anyways? He's got to be getting sick of her dead vagina by now...maybe he's looking for a little sumthin sumthin on the side. {{raises hand enthusiastically}} Pick me, pick me! And seriously, if I'm bringing home buckets of crispy hundreds after my entanglements with Dr. C, I think Mr. Latchkey will be quite okay with it... (Whoa, sounds very 'Indecent Proposal-ish' except with someone waaaaay hotter than Robert Redford.)

Honey, I'm home and I got paid today!!

If in 370 years, Carlisle has amassed that much cashola, Edward's got to be getting a cut, right? His allowance must be craaaazy for a 17 year old. So why is Bella such a stupid little don't-give-me-any-gifts-because-I-have-nothing-to-give-back-to-you bitch? It would be one thing if you were refusing the gifts for some other reason besides the fact that you don't think you're worthy. Dude, take the loot, seriously. Use it to see a shrink and get back some of that self-esteem, for crying out loud! Don't be such a prude. Make him buy you pretty things then drop to your knees and suck that boy's sparkly, marbly cock as payback if that's what you're so worried about. I know, I know...what about the venomous jizz? Ever hear of a little game called "duck and cover"? Shit girl, just leap out of the way when that thing goes off! I honestly don't think he's going to take back the presents if you're opposed to swallowing...

While you're on your knees... I got a little job for you.

I figure I'm already dishing out the sexual favors for free at this point... you know how it is once your married! So what's a little extra work on the side?? Who would say no to that?

Um {{looks around curiously}}, not me! I could really use a new car, definitely an iPad, oh and I think I'd like to travel the world too... Ok, hey Carlisle? Why don't you just write me a blank check and I'll be your 'beck and call' girl.


And in return I will "send you flowers" every day! *wink*

69 comments:

  1. Holy hell, LKW!! "He's got to be getting sick of her dead vagina by now..." Too fucking (or would that be blow jobbing) funny. And you just had to go and caption my favorite Twilight pic with that, huh? I'll never look at it the same way again. LMAO!

    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  2. I knew I started following you for good reason!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jesus. LOL Even my husband was laughing out loud when I was reading parts of this to him. Nice job dude.

    ReplyDelete
  4. @LKW: You never fail to have me ROTFL! Seriously, after this, I'm spent.
    xoxo J

    ReplyDelete
  5. "I'd buy Forks and rename is Twitardia and we could all live there and not have to work and blog all day and drink until we pass out." Sounds like my kinda place.. And I would still be dishing out sexual favors to the likes of Edward or Carlisle Cullen, just for the fun of it! This was hilarious.. thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm..I'm speechless. I don't even know what to say. LMAO.

    ReplyDelete
  7. "duck and cover" seriously LMFAO!! Honestly a good blow job and MrM will overlook a lot of crazy shit I do (or don't do).

    ReplyDelete
  8. It never ceases to amaze me all the dirty minds out there. I love you all... mwah, mwah, mwah!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dude that's one thing that always bugged me about Bella. Shit man up and take whatever he wants to give you and I'd definitely break out my knee pads if he wanted to buy me a car, or an island or whatever the fuck rolled thru that pretty head of his. Same with Carlisle shit...I am completely equal opportunity when it comes to the boys in that family...

    ReplyDelete
  10. LMFAO! OMG- I can't stop laughing! My roommate just told me to STFU 'cause I'm laughing so hard!
    Yeah the 'boring twat,' 'dead vagina' thing got me too Bawhahahaha! Never thought about it but Esme IS pretty damn boring!... LKW, he'd be crazy not to take you up on your offer!

    So right. Just think, all of us are fawning and drooling over Edward, this 17 year old virgin. When really, Dilfy Vilf Daddy C is where it's at! Just think of all the years of "experience" he has-- Totally just one upped Edward...

    ReplyDelete
  11. love your dirty mind LKW!. I'd love to earn me a little island off the coast of South America by putting a smile on Dr. Cullens face. As much as I love Foooorks, I would definitely need a getaway from the cold and the rain. Not to mention, doctors are experts on anatomy and after all the years of experience, I'm sure he could put a big smile on MY face *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
  12. OH...MY...FUCKING...GOD!!! Thats all i have to say.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Bravo, LKW! Well said!

    (Jesus H. Christ, I love all you Twitarded chicks sooooo much!)

    ReplyDelete
  14. I can't even quote my favorite part. I might as well cut and paste the entire post!!

    This was just beyond perfect!

    I usually call "Duck and cover" "not-in-my-mouth-or-I-will-gag-and-throw-up-all-over-your-dick"

    potato, potahto

    ReplyDelete
  15. ROTFLMAO! I wouldn't mind being Daddy C's side action, and I'd totally be up for teaching Edward a thing or two. I'd be willing to risk bodily harm for a chance at the sparklepeen.

    I'm another one who didn't get Bella's whole "don't buy me gifts" issue. Isn't that part of the fun of having a filthy rich boyfriend?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Mmmm, I'd sure as hell swallow for Dr. Cullen. Fuck, I'd suck on his sparkly balls all day if we could create the nation of Twitardia in Forks! I can see it now... fanfic would abound... the wine would flow...Could we hire some wolves to do things for us, like the laundry and stuff? Of course, no one can possibly replace the Precious, but I wouldn't say no to a scantily clad Taycob who does my laundry for me. Oh god, I think I need to go get out the sparklepeen...

    Also? Love love love someecards. For our anniversary, my boyfriend sent me the one that said, "I feel so lucky to have remembered our anniversary." I sent him back the one that said, "Let's bring out the special lube tonight." Tomorrow is Take Your Kids To Work Day, which is the one thing I actually plan at work, and I think this will be the theme: "Today's an important opportunity for children to learn how to desperately cling to jobs they despise." Hooray! Thanks, Someecards.com!

    wv: rizating. Carlisle shuddered with pleasure while I was rizating his sparkle-sac.

    ReplyDelete
  17. PS, @cupcake donna - ha! potato, potahto, love it! :-D

    ReplyDelete
  18. I love u & ur dirty mind... boy did I need that laugh! I wish I could find my inner slut... I know she's in here somewhere. If anything is gonna help me release her, it'll be u guys and the shit that u write on this wonderfully dirty blog... seriously ROTFLMAO|

    ReplyDelete
  19. Lmfao!!! Loved the dead vagina---bet he'd like a nice warm one. Kind of like fresh bread, maybe (?). Dr. C. Is where it's at! He's a doctor and I love to play nurse!! Yes! Oh and those little scarves he likes to wear can be put to use...

    ReplyDelete
  20. OMFG that was awesome, what a laugh. You're the dirtiest funniest bitch in town (and that's saying something coz JJ & STY are some funny bizatches...I still *heart* you guys too!!).

    THat whole dead vagina thing--I totally agree, eventually heart-faced sweet ol' Esme needs to give way to dirty whore-mouth LKW...or me :)

    I'm so digging Daddy-C, he's hot as HEEELLLL...That scene where he's stitching Bella up in New Moon--man, that boy wears that shirt like a glove...me likey...and me wants to be a glove :) I totally thought it looked like they were going to kiss, he's so hot. MMMHMMM < push me into a glass table so I can have some shmexy Dr Billionaire Hawty stitch ME up!!! Maybe he'd have some special cream to help soothe my wound :)

    oK, I'm being called by my 2 year old--what a reality check after dreaming of Carlisle...

    Good job LKW, and good job JJ & STY for bringing you over to the dark...er side :)

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  21. Dead vagina. Holy fucking hell that is funny!!

    I think I peed my pants a little.

    LKW, I love your dirty slutty ways.

    ReplyDelete
  22. @Amanda "I wouldn't say no to a scantily clad Taycob who does my laundry for me". Nor would I my friend. Nor.Would.I. Does someecards have a please-be-patient-while-i-spend-my-life-engrossed-in-everything-twilight card for Mr. FLH? sure could use one...

    ReplyDelete
  23. My husband just came in as he heard me absolutely howling in my little office, and asked what was so funny. Between gasps, I tried to explain the dead vagina, and he looked at me like I was...I don't know...Twitarded??

    Just.Doesn't.Get.It.

    ReplyDelete
  24. this was one of those times where i was like "NO. you CANNOT post that!!" - i always lose somehow... and then get surprised all over again by what tarts you all are - lol!

    ReplyDelete
  25. @Fragile Little Human, yeah girl, you know what I'm talkin' bout! :-D

    And sadly, they do not have any sorry-your-wife/sig other-has-disappeared-into-dirty-twilight-smut cards, but they DO have this!

    http://www.someecards.com/movies-cards/i-wonder-if-twilights-abstinence-message-will-suppress-my-herculean-urge-to-screw-robert-pattinson

    I think we can all agree that the answer is a hearty "NO!"

    And one more! http://www.someecards.com/movies-cards/ill-never-be-your

    Enjoy my twatwaffles :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. He is very easy on the eyes. A team should be assembled to take care of the Esme problem. As for Bella I always found it stupid that she wouldn't take gifts. Girl take gifts after all one of the perks of immortality is getting all that cash.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I am off to find Dr. Cullen for you so that you can buy FFOORRKKSS, change it to Twitardia, I can move there and NEVER work again!! Best idea EVER!!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. @LKW. ok, so i think the fucking honeymoon is over -- it feels like you totes skipped the foreplay and went right to the fisting. gah.

    vw: tingl

    non, non. LKW just fucked us so hard & quik there wasn't even a tingl.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Oh STY, haven't you figured out yet that we are Tarts, Trollops, Floozies & Strumpets??!!

    ok "His allowance must be craaaazy for a 17 year old" made me snort. All I could think about was Edward doing chores. Gawd, what is wrong with me?

    @Amanda, "Carlisle shuddered with pleasure while I was rizating his sparkle-sac." threw me over the edge. Have gone from snorting to full out hysterics!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I love the people who become followers when we have the really diiirty posts - it's like "helllloooo twat-waffles! you've found your people!!" - lol!

    p.s. i'm lookin' at you, austin drama mama!

    : )

    ReplyDelete
  31. BAAHAHAHAHAHA - I don't even know where to begin. This is the funniest shit ever. Every word. Cant. Stop. Laughing...

    and then: w/v: desende. When you desende to your knees, open wide for the peen, please...

    ReplyDelete
  32. Duck and cover is a useful skill, no reason that should die with the cold war. Fellators march on!

    @STY, I'm scrolling back, re-reading, and trying to figure out what had you thinkin "Nooo" about this post. This is third base stuff here, hell it's still virginal, practically. Or technically at least. I have yet to read a post that even toes the "too far" line for me. Maybe I should be worried about that?

    wv:depenten

    If I keep depenten on Twitarded to calibrate my moral compass I'm going to end up on Jerry Springer

    ReplyDelete
  33. *applause* Nice one LKW! Ditto what everyone else has already said and LOL at STY, hope you weren't rocking nervously in the corner for too long!

    ReplyDelete
  34. It's so validating to know I'm not the only tart that thinks these things! ;)

    I'm laughing too hard to figure out what part of this post I like best.

    Can I please come live in Twitardia? Sounds like heaven!

    ReplyDelete
  35. @LKY,Perfect ideas, all!!

    Peter is actually gonna be in my city this weekend at a Twilight convention and I am getting the urge to sign right up for the autograph session and slip him a copy of this post.....

    ReplyDelete
  36. When this happens, I got the first round of booze. I have much faith that Twitardia will come to pass(out) and I will hear nothing of its opposition!!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Thanks for the morning laugh...

    ReplyDelete
  38. @Toefunnny, yay! After I hit "publish" I thought "hmm, now THAT may have been a little much..." but I'm glad you found it funny. :-D

    @ STY - as per my stunt above, I think Twitarded is having an adverse affect on my filters. Since I started spending more time with you lovely ladies, I've lost more and more of the "you can't say that in public" filter. I'm shocking friends and coworkers left and right. Look at the effect you degenerates have had on me! :-P

    ReplyDelete
  39. You had me at "dead vagina."

    Holy shitballs, thanks for the lol morning.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Oh my word! I seriously lost my shit when I read "He's got to be getting sick of her dead vagina by now!" I mean REALLY lost it. Crying laughing so hard! My office neighbor came in to ask what the hell was going on... now how in the world can I tell her that I"m laughing at Latchkey Wife's use of "dead vagina!!"

    It just keeps getting better!

    Shit...now I have to go reapply my eye makeup.

    God I'm going to miss some good times when you all go to Forks! People will be passing out from laughing so hard!! (and perhaps a bit too much to drink too...maybe). Ladies - don't forget those of us who can't join you. We'll be waiting with baited and alcoholic breath for post updates and pictures!! Oh, hey! -- what about a webcam??

    ReplyDelete
  41. @toefunny- let's all just reflect on edward washing the volvo for his weekly chore.

    @cupcake donna-you crack me up.

    @LKW-brilliant.

    Totally agree that doctors know where IT's at. And Dr. C doesn't have to sleep so you know he's not passing out after the BJ. He can reciprocate all night baby. I'm gonna gets mine. Just think of the stamina and the knowledge base and the MONEY! Did someone say Fifffffty!

    And Bella-get over yourself and accept the goods. You have eternity to kill-start living it up. He loves you for all the right reasons dear...really there's three very long books of NO SEX to prove it.

    ReplyDelete
  42. @toefunny @robzsinger Let's ponder Edward's chores... washing the volvo... naked. Doing laundry... naked. Vacuuming... naked. I think all his chores need to be done naked but only for us Twitarded sluts to watch.

    ReplyDelete
  43. OMG, LKW you kill me!! Excellent post. I love me some Daddy C. Although I can't decide whether I like PFach better as a blonde or brunette. Yum!

    Now, Edward and his naked chores...I think I'm drooling a little. Ok, maybe a lot.

    @RobzSinger-I think it's getting a little hot in here with the mention of Fifty!! Oh, to have just one night. Screw that, sorry Bella, but I want Fifty for me!

    ReplyDelete
  44. Oh, LKW, I think...no, I know I love you. Dead vagina? Gawd! I should know better than to have liquids (of any kind) in my mouth - TWSS - but alas, I choked when I read that. Luckily only my computer screen got sprayed. Haha.
    You have truly found your little cooch of creativity here with JJ and STY - good for you biotch!
    And I agree - Daddy C is where it's at...well, there's also Demetri who's also a bit closer in (real) age to us panthers. Shh! Don't tell Robward I'm cheating on him. Oh fuck it.
    Love your dirty mind!

    ReplyDelete
  45. @lkw-stop it stop it. I'm at the chiropractor giggling like a little girl. They're all looking at me funny. I like your idea of naked Edward performing "chores" for our pleasure! I would not be adverse to this at all!

    ReplyDelete
  46. @Cac. OMFG u r brilliant! let's have a skype h00r forks-fest! all of us that can't make the trip can jump in via skype for a meeting or two. any h00r w wifi at forks can crank up the ol laptop and set it on the bar!

    ReplyDelete
  47. THANKYOU! Bella and her stupid fucking morals piss me off! Eclipse is my favorite book, but Bella's constant stupidity makes me cringe. God Damn, girl... just take the fucking gift from Edward already. How dare he buy you something as sensual as a bed. *rolling eyes* What really boils my butt is that Bella can except a retarded bracelet thats designed for a twelve year old, yet she cant take a classy gift from the hot vampire. If her reasoning is simply because she doesn't believe herself worthy or good enough, than what does that say for how she views Jacob?

    *swipes forehead* phew, sorry, LKW. You hit a nerve, I guess. LOL.

    On the topic of Carlisle, AKA Daddy C, I couldn't be completely loyal to him like Esme, money or no money. I'd want to molest my own step son with an indecent dramatic passion, shoving all the candles off his piano with a swipe of my arm and slapping the brood right off Edwards perfect face. Then I'd grab his shirt roughly and make him beg for it....... Sorry. Got lost in my own fantasy. My inner Domward came out with a vengence. Yeah, I guess this means Mr Money Bags doesn't really cut it for me; bazillions or no bazillions.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Holy Harlot Alert batman...this post has definitely brought out the diiirty girl in all of us. I LOVE IT!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Look who has been taking her Blogagra....double dosing I think.

    You dirty, dirty ho...I triple puffy heart your crazy brain and your foul mouth. I think we might need to bring blankets to line the walls of our motel room in Forks so as not to offend the other guests...oh wait..our neighbors are JJ and STY..now worries then...nevermind.

    I suspect Daddy C might experiment with a human since Edward proved he could do it...you know..in the name of science.

    Viva La Twitardia!!! Oh if it could only be.

    v/w: 'fingsts'...Fingsts me now Daddy C!

    ReplyDelete
  50. I regularly lurk around Twitardedville but am notoriously bad about posting comments.

    LKW, you make me smile, laugh and spit out my coffee/water/wine (depending on time of day).

    I couldn't agree with you more about Daddy C. I came to this realization sometime late last year but then the Vanity Fair pics came out and I waffled then when Details arrived I forgot my own name.

    So thanks for helping me to get my priorities in order again.

    ReplyDelete
  51. HAAAAAAAHAHAHAAA! wooooo love this post. and Twitardia? HELL YES I would be there in a flash.
    It's also funny you posted that graphic about flowers on the end because DH and I call BJ's flowers all the time! nice!

    ReplyDelete
  52. Great post. Made me laugh (OUT LOUD),which is always a good thing.

    Whoever mentioned 'Fifty' (yes I'm too lazy to go back & check) made me swoon a little. I was thinking about that too. Homeboy is a gazillionaire & you don't like when he buys you shit. What. the. Fuck? Seriously.

    Also, somewhat off topic...here's a true indication about just how far gone into Twitardia I really am....I went to sign up for a new primary care physician yesterday & knew who I wanted, but when I looked at their website, I noticed they had a Dr. Cullen & I almost chose him JUST BECAUSE of that! How fucked up would that be? "I don't care that you're not a good doctor, you're name is Cullen....swoon!" I probably would have blown him or something, just to say I blew Dr. Cullen...ha.

    ReplyDelete
  53. That's the sommeecard I sent to my husband for Valentine's Day - so he could understand my love of flowers.

    ReplyDelete
  54. I'm watching New Moon (as is my weekly ritual) and the "birthday party" scene comes on... enter Esme and I can't stop giggling! All I can think of is: "He's got to be getting sick of her dead vagina by now." HEHEHEHEHEEHEH LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  55. Is Carlisel "The Man"? Is this even a question? Hell yeah he IS. He obviously knows his way around the ladies, wouldn't be bothered with a little vadge blood, and his logic will outshine broodiness in the long term. ** If ever a more dominant FF comes out (Clementines) with Mr. "Hiding My Hot Abs In The Blue Shirt" I think I may find myself on the downard stalkerish spiral towards complete submission...I may have to take one for the team to be the virgin *cough-cough* sacrifice to the alter of C.Cullen. I'm glad he is getting some love over here.

    LKY- Worst case scenario, maybe if we all became partly rich'ish we could all get drunk in Forks anyway...Oh wait! We are in OCT. Weeeeee!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  56. @LKW. ummm so this post seems to have some legs to it, and i find myself considering it all damn day at work and client meetings.

    this is hard hitting fuckity fuck fuck here, LKW, so to compliment your post, i do believe it needs to be immortalized with some music.

    i submit for your consideration this filthy ditty (srsly - i was half way thru the song before i realized my mouth was all open like in shock & shit) that, i swear, you had a hand in writing the lyrics. hey aren't you in the credits?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLXT5kgelDw&feature=related

    OMF GAH.

    ReplyDelete
  57. @neverthink- that's some filthy-dirty shit. I like the way you roll. LMAO.

    ReplyDelete
  58. @scarlett harlott. yeah, you SAY that, and then we get cock blocked on your blog profile. WTF? post sumpthin biatch...give us sumpthin!

    LOL. glad u liked the tunes. for reals, i went to a chamber of commerce meeting today, and that was the song playing on my ipod.

    vw: howeei

    hotel, motel, holidaaaaay inn - howeei ya likin' me now, LKW?

    ReplyDelete
  59. So, I came home from work today to find my roommate midway through New Moon - so of course she started it all over again and I sat down to watch! This was a tremendous bonding moment - we didn't know each other before we lived together, and I tentatively introduced her to Twitarded after we spent the movie making dirty, dirty references. But, this post might be just a liiiiitle too much, especially since in the comments I made reference to Carlisle's sparkly nutsac. How do I ease her into it?!??

    HA! Ease her into it? That's what she said!

    Oh god.

    ReplyDelete
  60. @neverthink - oh I've got another diiirty one for you!!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq7fr7c0F8A

    ReplyDelete
  61. Holy Shit, you were killing me with this one LKW!!!! The buying Forks bit was hilarious and Duck and Cover pushed me over the edge!

    ReplyDelete
  62. @toefunny. lmao. "once a dawg" - delish diiirty.

    hey, that could be like jacob's song!

    ReplyDelete
  63. I feel like a copycat to some of the other commenters but geez, this post had me rolling on the floor laughing my ass off................

    ReplyDelete
  64. @toefunny. lmao. "once a dawg" - delish diiirty.

    hey, that could be like jacob's song!

    ReplyDelete
  65. @neverthink- that's some filthy-dirty shit. I like the way you roll. LMAO.

    ReplyDelete
  66. I'm watching New Moon (as is my weekly ritual) and the "birthday party" scene comes on... enter Esme and I can't stop giggling! All I can think of is: "He's got to be getting sick of her dead vagina by now." HEHEHEHEHEEHEH LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  67. OMG, LKW you kill me!! Excellent post. I love me some Daddy C. Although I can't decide whether I like PFach better as a blonde or brunette. Yum!

    Now, Edward and his naked chores...I think I'm drooling a little. Ok, maybe a lot.

    @RobzSinger-I think it's getting a little hot in here with the mention of Fifty!! Oh, to have just one night. Screw that, sorry Bella, but I want Fifty for me!

    ReplyDelete
  68. @Fragile Little Human, yeah girl, you know what I'm talkin' bout! :-D

    And sadly, they do not have any sorry-your-wife/sig other-has-disappeared-into-dirty-twilight-smut cards, but they DO have this!

    http://www.someecards.com/movies-cards/i-wonder-if-twilights-abstinence-message-will-suppress-my-herculean-urge-to-screw-robert-pattinson

    I think we can all agree that the answer is a hearty "NO!"

    And one more! http://www.someecards.com/movies-cards/ill-never-be-your

    Enjoy my twatwaffles :)

    ReplyDelete
  69. My husband just came in as he heard me absolutely howling in my little office, and asked what was so funny. Between gasps, I tried to explain the dead vagina, and he looked at me like I was...I don't know...Twitarded??

    Just.Doesn't.Get.It.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!