Dr. Cullen, Can I Be Your Beck and Call Girl?

The Forbes story that Snarkier Than You reported on recently got me to wondering... am I chasing the wrong Cullen? Is Carlisle where it's at? I mean sure...Edward's super dreamy, but Daddy C is pretty easy on the eyes, too. Since he's much closer to my age (and I'm not talking about his vampire age you assholes), I don't feel as creepy talking about doing dirty things to him. And seriously, if all it takes for him to sprinkle some of his riches my way is a blowjob, where the fuck are my kneepads? Shit, Esme has got to leave the house at some point... although I'm not opposed to a good old-fashioned staking to get my hands on some cash.

Money, schmoney, I need a little side piece of ass!

I've never been one to date or marry for money...obviously. If I did, I would have been footing the bill for all my Twitarded friends to party it up in Forks. Fuck it, I'd buy Forks if I was rolling in the kind of dough Carlisle's sitting on. I'd buy Forks and rename is Twitardia and we could all live there and not have to work and blog all day and drink until we pass out. But I'm not rich so now I have to resort to offering sexual favors to hot, patriarchal vampires to get the payoff. How long has he been with that boring twat Esme anyways? He's got to be getting sick of her dead vagina by now...maybe he's looking for a little sumthin sumthin on the side. {{raises hand enthusiastically}} Pick me, pick me! And seriously, if I'm bringing home buckets of crispy hundreds after my entanglements with Dr. C, I think Mr. Latchkey will be quite okay with it... (Whoa, sounds very 'Indecent Proposal-ish' except with someone waaaaay hotter than Robert Redford.)

Honey, I'm home and I got paid today!!

If in 370 years, Carlisle has amassed that much cashola, Edward's got to be getting a cut, right? His allowance must be craaaazy for a 17 year old. So why is Bella such a stupid little don't-give-me-any-gifts-because-I-have-nothing-to-give-back-to-you bitch? It would be one thing if you were refusing the gifts for some other reason besides the fact that you don't think you're worthy. Dude, take the loot, seriously. Use it to see a shrink and get back some of that self-esteem, for crying out loud! Don't be such a prude. Make him buy you pretty things then drop to your knees and suck that boy's sparkly, marbly cock as payback if that's what you're so worried about. I know, I know...what about the venomous jizz? Ever hear of a little game called "duck and cover"? Shit girl, just leap out of the way when that thing goes off! I honestly don't think he's going to take back the presents if you're opposed to swallowing...

While you're on your knees... I got a little job for you.

I figure I'm already dishing out the sexual favors for free at this point... you know how it is once your married! So what's a little extra work on the side?? Who would say no to that?

Um {{looks around curiously}}, not me! I could really use a new car, definitely an iPad, oh and I think I'd like to travel the world too... Ok, hey Carlisle? Why don't you just write me a blank check and I'll be your 'beck and call' girl.


And in return I will "send you flowers" every day! *wink*