Friday, April 30, 2010

From Pickles to Peens - The Vampsicle Dialogues.

I like pickles. You know, like pickled cucumbers or whatever the fuck they are. I always have a jar in the house and often I'll pop one in my mouth when I get home from work to kind of tide me over until dinner is ready.

Nom, nom, nom...

ML and I were in the kitchen a few weeks ago and I couldn't find the pickle jar and was freaking out so ML said he had a pickle for me right here and somehow or another a conversation about pickles ended with us discussing cocks, which then turned into talking about stupid shit people put on the internet, like the girl who kept a list of the boys she gave blowjobs to and her brother found it and posted it on Facebook. Personally, I think she almost deserved it, since she was the one foolish enough to not only keep a list but also to leave it lying around.

When I say people put stupid shit up on the internet, I mean it. Literally.

As most conversations about the internet and random shit do, this one came full circle and landed square on the topic of Twitarded and vampires.

ML - You put weird stuff up on the internet
Me - [genuinely offended for some deranged reason] I do not!
ML - You talk about vampires.
Me - Yeah, but I don't post lists of the guys I've given blowjobs to. [thinks a minute] Well, I mean, the only time I talk about blowjobs I don't really mean it. [Mainly because it's an impossibility...]
[Any normal woman would shift this conversation away from the fact that she obviously discusses blowjobs, and not necessarily with her partner, but noooooo...]
ML - [looks alarmed] You talk about giving blowjobs on the blog?
Me - Er, well, not exactly. I mean, yes but he's a fictional vampire character! With a cold penis.
ML - That doesn't sound fun.
Me - People stick ice-cubes up their cooters and seem to enjoy it. [I read this on the internet so it must be true.]
ML - [Winces a little] Still doesn't sound fun.
Me - If you were gay, it wouldn't hurt as much if a vampire stuck his ice cold cock in your ass because it would be cold and, you know, numb your pooper.
ML - You've really given this a lot of thought. [sounding slightly disturbed]
Me - What? You wouldn't want to have sex with a female vampire if her vagina is icy?
ML - No! That sounds gross.
Me - Well, they can't help it, they don't have body temperature so I guess it has to be cold. I mean, you wouldn't even do it out of curiosity?
ML - I don't sleep with dead people.

Annnnd point taken.


Here's the thing: I don't normally allow other people to get the last word in. I have to have the last word. It's necessary. But it occurred to me, after I raced to the computer to write the conversation down, and ML kind of huffed because he knew it was going to end up here, that maybe I should let him have the last word. If I didn't, ML might get curious what I write about all day long and come to Twitarded to check it out.

We don't want that.

Ever.

Especially since I talk about more than just blowjobs...

41 comments:

  1. LMAO - I heart you. I agree - the s/o's should not have to deal with what we write on the internet. It's better that way, for everyone.

    Pickles are delicious. That is all.

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  2. LMAO that is hilarious. Sounds like a convo in my house.

    BTW....I was thinking about pickles today and googled "Robert Pattinson pickle love", but nothing good came up (until now).

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  3. After 6 and 1/2 years of marriage, I still have barely learned to let the hubby have the last word sometimes. But I think, the biggest reason is because he is polish and it is really easy to mind ninja him.

    Ps. That picture in that girls bathroom. What the crap? As I scrolled down the page a bit, before I read the caption on the photo, I squinted a bit and thought to myself, "Is that poo in a toilet?" WTF. Is she trying to show of the fact that she probably just got boned up the ass??? Congradulations.

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  4. Jenny Jerkface is a pickle puffer. That is all.

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  5. That myspace picture is fucking nasty. OMG, I love you JJ.

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  6. I love you...the end.

    P.S. ML is a fucking saint.

    P.S.S. That poo pic is disgusting and a good reminder that 'if it's brown flush it down!'!

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  7. I LOVE PICKLES like a fat kid loves cakes. Srsly. I used to eat dill pickles and cut up cheddar cheese on a daily basis when I was a kid.

    Anyhoo...I'm buzzed, so I better keep my shit to myself..lmao!

    xoxo J

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  8. OMG! There must be something in the water! I totally let my husband win an argument last night. Was there a full moon or something?

    Now, I am afraid I have to go pour some bleach in my eyes after that fuckawful titty turd shot. Gezus...way worse than the Hoffster.

    VW: serch ....serchin' for the bleach!!

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  9. I was laughing my ass off and telling my mom something you said (don't remember what). She said, "Oh, where is that? It sounds funny!" I said that there is no way in hell I am giving her the address; that she'd just have to depend on me for reports. Besides, it might melt her dentures. She doesn't know about mine. We (as in how royalty says "we") will not be disclosing that one either. It isn't nearly as interesting as what you three bitches write, though!

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  10. 1. I love pickles AND cake. But not at the same time.

    2. The pickles must be dill and kosher. No sweet pickles! That's just, ew.

    3. That Myspace photo with the girl and the poo? I was like OMG I TOTALLY KNOW HER! Meaning, I thought that was an ex-client of mine from the shelter. But, thank Christ I was wrong. It certainly could have been, but this time luckily it was not. But it scared the, well, you know what out of me.

    4. JJ, How are you posting from the road? Aren't you in a little tent or something?

    Word ver: Flaterz. Not to be confused with floaters, or felatiaterz. I do NOT like where this joke is headed. At all.

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  11. No NEVER let the hubs find out what goes on here.

    My lunatic DH would shut it down straight away.

    (when I say DH, I don't mean "darling husband." I mean "Dick Head")

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  12. that's the funniest shit I ever read......my husband never get to know my blog exists much less know the stuff I write. No sir. No way. No how!

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  13. @jj. zomg. now that's sum funny shit. poop. crap. feces. load. what evs. tee hee.

    after 19 yrs of marriage, here's what i know to be true:

    1) let him have the last word. mostly. it shouldn't cost you a thing, and dayum the interest you get on it is fucking priceless. i mean, do you really NEED to crush his man-ness? isn't it enough to just know you CAN? yeah. i think so too.

    2) never tell him EXACTLY what really goes on with your BBs. he'll freak and then you'll have to back peddle, or worse yet 'splain yourself.

    3) to know your man is to know thy self. and i know MY man. and i know how to "compromise" in my relationship just enough to get what i want, when i really really want it. but i only pull that shit otta my wife-hat judiciously. 'cuz it's not really fair to use my mind-contolling pussy powers on some one i love so fucking much.

    vw: aphono

    aphono! my hubs just found the twitarded blog...and he knows my fucking twi-alias...

    ps. im coming to fucking ffffoooorrrrkkkkkssss.

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  14. You should have called it "From Pickles to Peens to Poop(er)." LMAO! And that myspace pic is gross on SO many levels.

    Lisa

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  15. You had me at "numb your pooper" JJ you slay me. Your poor, poor hubster.

    You could always offer him this little goodie...

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  16. Dammit, my link disappeared

    Trying again...

    http://videogum.com/img/thumbnails/photos/vampire_sex_toy.jpg

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  17. pop that bad boy in the fridge for a few hours and one could have the Gay Vamp experience! buahahahahaha!

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  18. OMG! I was minding my own business reading about pickles thinking I might just go get one. I took a nice long sip of my pop (or soda if thats what floats your boad) and then got to the line that says: "People stick ice-cubes up their cooters and seem to enjoy it."
    AND the pop went through my nose all over my computer screen. Carbonation through the schnoz isn't fun... I should know better than to drink anything while reading this blog... I usually laugh so hard I end up reading most of it to my hubby. At least he has a good sense of humor!

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  19. Honestly..I can't even read this post. I want to, and maybe tomorrow I will. But I'm very tired, and was going to take a quick peek..and then. You found one of the things that freaks me out as much as mice, rats, and snakes...a scary-ass-pissed-off-looking CAT! SO, w/ that I have to bail...and have nightmares! I really hate cats.

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  20. what exactly is it that you love so much about pickles, jj? is it the phallic shape? the fact that a good pickle gives a little squirt when you take that first bite? do you prefer salty or sweet? hehehe ok, maybe that's just me... and something i've learned about marriage. the key isn't really to let your husband have the last word, just to make him think that is the case. it is so rare that i am actually in the right that i have to come up with something!

    that poo pic made me gag. but i was in the middle of laughing hysterically so it was it was a simultaneous guffaw/gag/snort thing. so sexy...

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  21. JJ, the convo you had with ML is precious and classic. Glad you "let" him win that round. Really, what can you say to counter "I don't sleep with dead people"? Can we come up with a snarky comeback for that??? I'm coming up blank, which is tres unusual.

    I love the cat pic! Sorry about your phobia, Another Jenny. I've got 6 cats, dream about THAT, Arizona.

    @Toefunny: what the fuck is that thing? Is that a vamp-dildo with a face, or an insert-your-dick-here thing with fangs? Either way, I can't picture it (thank god, I'm out of bleach after that crazy disturbing titty-toilet photo).

    @Living w/Edward: "the biggest reason is because he is polish and it is really easy to mind ninja him." Gar har har!! Me too, and I'm pretty ruthless about it. We're coming up on 9 years and I've really got to learn how to shut the fuck up and let him win once in a while if I want to see 10.

    Love the laughter! Thanks, Ladies!!

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  22. you are hilarious! never disappoint.

    my hubby thinks we all just love twilight and have crushes on the precious. if he only knew...


    point taken, but would your husband sleep with a dead person that looked like kstew? curiosity killed the mother effin cat.

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  23. This is wonderfully hilarious! It's nice to know that other couples have intelligent and thought provoking conversations like I do with my DH.

    Too funny!

    And that MySpace poster is absolutely gross and funny!

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  24. I think I just vomited a little...in my mouth. I haven't seen that pic in a long time, and I didn't miss it. *shudder* But I did snort-laugh at your convo, which is an awesome compliment.

    As far as the last word goes, I will fight for it, and I usually get it, but we've been together for over 10 years, so we both know how to let the other get what they want. I'm sure I get it just for fucks and BJs. Win-win as far as I'm concerned.

    @neverthink: FUCKING RIGHT YOU'RE COMING TO FOOOORRRRKKKKSS!!

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  25. @JJ, tell him next time that you are the pickle inspector and you have to make sure his pickle past the tests. So you might have to conduct some, rigorous tests. hehe
    And I think you got the last word in, it is just on the blog, that's all!

    @ sexymyspace girl--FLUSH!

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  26. <3 <3 This crazy post...In our house pickles is code word for penis and puff is the code word for vagina. A couple years ago while standing in the line at the market my little one (4years old at the time) shouts really loud while pointing to a she-male..."MOM! Does that person have pickle or a puff? 'Cause I can't tell!" yep...pickle & puffs.

    By the way I am counting down the days till FORKS!!!

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  27. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  28. first, I LOVE pickles. I could nibble on them for an entire day. second, I abhor bomb sites... that's why I always tend to freakout using public toliets (and that myspace girl is craptasticly stupid). third, even though your hubby had the last word, the pussy pic with the stink-eye is a WIN! I think your hubby is smart enough to stay away from your blog, either that or curiosity will kill the cat.

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  29. Oh God, I laughed so hard at this whole post. You are just awesome JJ, that's all I have to say!

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  30. We all have disconcerting conversations with our Significant others, JJ.
    I usually bitch about my period and how shitty I feel; cramps doubling me over and all that jazz.
    Than, a miraculous thing happened that my husband took note of. I was suddenly okay with period sex. I mean, anyone who reads MotU knows exactly what I'm talking about. ;)
    My husband stared at me curiously for a few minutes before asking, "why are you suddenly okay with period sex? I thought you we're in a shit-ton of pain?"
    My mouth dropped open and it hit me like a fucking two by four. Fifty and his damn story was messing with my head!
    Hubby squinted suspiciously as I guiltily shut my laptop, avoiding eye contact.
    He said, "It's him, isn't it?! It's that fucking vampire!"
    My defenses shot up. "So what?! If you didn't think about screwing Megan Fox when you see her on TV I'd consider you abnormal!" Yeah, I know, amazing debater, aren't I? *rolling eyes*
    Then Hubby said in a snarky voice, "At least I don't think about having sex with Edward Cullen while on my period."
    Needless to say, he was fucking right. Because on the outside I was pretending to be upset by his comment... but in my head, I was salivating at the thought.

    I'm so screwed. He's right. I am a God Damn pervert!

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  31. @kerri. lmao. you were soo busted. thanks for sharing.

    i will tell ya, i have never considered red-tip sex either -- u n t i l Fifty. i was all "ewwwww now's the time to take a break. i'm crampy. i'm bloaty. i'm whiney."

    but after F i f t y, ima all like "ooohhhhh - my blood on my man's cock...now thatsa hot. and i want it in the bathroom, bent over the counter. now where's the advil... ".

    welcome to fucking twitardia. we're all trapped in the red room now. and fuck it feels good. bwwaahaha

    @hippievag. lmao - again. here's how it goez down in my house:

    over morning coffee...

    mr neverthink: No honey! i'm telling you, the world is flat! i saw it on CNN. you know, both - tv AND the web.

    neverthink: *blink blink* hmmm? what did you say? *staring straight into his eyes firmly establishing contact* oh, the world is flat you say? ahh, anderson cooper did an expose, i see. well, isn't that interesting. *still staring* i'd always heard it was round, based on imperical data and such. *breaks eye contact and sips coffee* wow - i've been wrong aall this time, too. huh. oh honey, would you like another cup of coffee...you always have 2 cups...

    later @ evening dinner...

    neverthink: so how was your day dear? did you have that big meeting with the global director of planetary space and time continuum you were so excited about?

    mr neverthink: *scowling* yeah, i did. it was a disaster. i hate anderson fucking cooper. i should have listened more to you.

    neverthink: *epic silence* *smile*

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  32. You're too funny! But, I must admit, you thoughts are entertaining!
    =]

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  33. Neverthink: That sounds about right. I just need to remember that's usually what happens when my big mouth wants to stomp all over his new revalations with the actual truth... but now I'm going back to "the brain-mouth-filter" that has holes the size of boulders!

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  34. I never cared for pickles too much, but I have recently developed a huge craving to suck cock. It's gotta' be from all the FanFics rubbing off (twss) on me.

    Anyway, I was just looking at The Bloggess and she posted a link to what she called Unicorn Glamour Shots and I think I need some brain bleach! I NEVER. EVER. EVER want to think about unicorns again. EVER. Seriously. Don't look at it.

    http://erooups.com/2010/04/15/omg_and_wtf_of_the_day_11_pics.html

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  35. So I get that it's about S/O's and winning arguments and remembering to flush, but all I read was the part about sex with a female vampire. If you cockblock me or my readers in the next two chapters of The Family Business, I'm never speaking to you again, JJ.
    Other than that, great post. I laughed my ass off, as usual:)

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  36. @rugbymom. ok you do know that when you say "Seriously. Don't look at it" you gots to fucking know we are all going to.

    hmmm...all i can say is that rubenthe unicorn gives a whole new meaning to one of my fav songs.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmiPFF3E_4I

    vw: hurownss

    ruben the unicorn hurownns my ass.

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  37. @neverthink - That song is spot on! I thought briefly about putting it on my iPod, but then I shuddered because every time I hear it I WILL think about those pictures! Ewwwwww! Fuck no!

    Shit. Now I have to stop reading FFN, get out of bed, and go to work! Monday's suck.

    And I've got that song and that unicorn stuck in my head! Fuck!

    We are gonna' have so much fun in FFFOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSSSSSS!

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  38. @neverthink - That song is spot on! I thought briefly about putting it on my iPod, but then I shuddered because every time I hear it I WILL think about those pictures! Ewwwwww! Fuck no!

    Shit. Now I have to stop reading FFN, get out of bed, and go to work! Monday's suck.

    And I've got that song and that unicorn stuck in my head! Fuck!

    We are gonna' have so much fun in FFFOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSSSSSS!

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  39. Jenny Jerkface is a pickle puffer. That is all.

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  40. After 6 and 1/2 years of marriage, I still have barely learned to let the hubby have the last word sometimes. But I think, the biggest reason is because he is polish and it is really easy to mind ninja him.

    Ps. That picture in that girls bathroom. What the crap? As I scrolled down the page a bit, before I read the caption on the photo, I squinted a bit and thought to myself, "Is that poo in a toilet?" WTF. Is she trying to show of the fact that she probably just got boned up the ass??? Congradulations.

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