Friday, April 16, 2010

Hey Carlisle Cullen, Can You Spare A Dime? Or A Million?

So I was sulking this afternoon after learning that the band JJ and I had tickets to see tomorrow night (Los Campesinos) is stuck at Heathrow airport and can't get to the states (along with a few hundred thousand other people) because of that damned Icelandic volcanic ash cloud when I heard a veeeery interesting story on the radio that made my Twidar go right off the scale: Carlisle Cullen has been named #1 on Forbe's list of wealthiest fictional characters. Yup, that's right - with assets totaling over 34 billion dollars, he's richer than the Walton clan (with their Walmart riches) and not quite as rich as Bill Gates--but close - plus Carlisle is much hotter than any of the Waltons and Bill Gates combined, and don't even get me started on Warren Buffett...

Their facts aren't quite 100% spot-on (I don't remember the Volturi being instrumental in Carlisle amassing his wealth, for one), but given the tongue-in-cheek nature of this whole thing, and the fact that it's Forbes (which isn't exactly known for being tongue-in-cheeky), it's still pretty funny and I'm going to allow it. Somehow I find it comforting to my Twitarded soul that somewhere out there, someone with an MBA from an Ivy League school spent their week calculating how Carlisle's wealth would have grown over the centuries (especially with Alice's help!). I can only imagine the incredulous look on some junior associate's face when he or she got that assignment. I'm sure they were totally fine with dropping a few hundred thousand dollars on a ritzy education so that they could semi-accurately guestimate the monetary status of assorted fictional characters. Yup. Totally cool.

So suck it, Monty Burns, Batman, Mr. Howell, and the Tooth Fairy - Carlisle pwns you!



No. 1 Cullen, Carlisle

04.14.10, 09:00 AM EDT

Net Worth: $34.1 billion
Source: Compound Interest, Long-Term Investments
Age: 370
Marital Status: Married (4 adopted children)
Hometown: Forks, Wash.

Video: 'Twilight's Billionaire Vampire

Immortal vampire and small-town doctor has quietly amassed a fortune over three centuries. In 1670 received generous handout from Italian friends; put savings in bank, reaped billions in compound interest. Made shrewd long-term investments in steel, gold, oil, thanks to prescience of daughter turned financial advisor Alice; saw recessions coming, invested early in Wal-Mart, Apple. Earned doctor's salary for 340 years without paying for groceries, health care expenses. Avoids sunshine and public displays of wealth, but owns several valuable properties, including yacht, private island, collection of Renaissance art. New member. (For more on Carlisle Cullen, see "Blood Money.")

Featured in the Twilight books and films.

--Nicole Perlroth



35 comments:

  1. Way to go Forbes. You just blew Carlisle cover. The Volturi are gonna lay the smack down for sure.

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  2. I think Carlisle should pay for our trip to Forks! I mean it'd be total chump change to him.

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  3. Uh, yeah. You meant each, right, Snarky? As in, each of us Twitards who shamelessly throw our vaginas in the general direction of almost anything you three slut-buckets talk about? This is no different. I just want to pay of these pesky student loans...Then FOOOOOORRRRRKKKKSSSS (hell yes, @Cullenary Curser), and other sundry adventures.


    BTW, love this: "Avoids sunshine and public displays of wealth"...Bah hahahaha!! Like they're of the same vein or something. It makes him sound like Eeyore or some shit.

    vw: cavel
    I could really use a cavel million, Carlisle...if that's cool.

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  4. This is so weird.
    BTW, what exactly does 'pwns' stand for? I have heard it used tons over at Twigasm. I know it's a combo of 'owns' & something, but what???

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  5. the video is hillarious. 340 years of tax evasion? good thing he's immortal because that's a lot of time behind bars. according to them though, he may not have to worry about it if the volturi get a hold of him. (she actually called them the "volturis" tee hee). i'm torn by this story. it's always good to see twilight get recognition, but don't these people have anything better to do?

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  6. I saw the news that he was named the richest fictional character but I didn't see the actual write up about it. That is awesome. Thanks for posting it. I will have to watch the video later as it is time for Mad Libs at http://twilightsagapalooza.blogspot.com/

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  7. @Twilight Junkie pwns is a step above "owns"... it complete dominates you. Consult the urbandictionary.com for more info. =)

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  8. i fucking luvs this post because my hubs emailed me the forbes story earlier today - from his work email no-fucking-less - all giggly that i hadn't seen it yet & he scooped me.

    anytime i can get a twi-nod from my hubs, i do the happy lap-dance. he is sooo gettin a bj tonight for playing my game.

    vw: toxyho.

    ah C'MON! where's the fucking challenge in THAT?! bwaaahhaaa

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  9. I was literally in the middle of beta'ing this post when ML sauntered in the room, all smug and shit because he knows I never ever listen to the radio and says, "so on NPR I heard that Forbes--"

    I totally gave him the palm and said, "Yeah, I know. I'm on it."

    I'm pretty sure he whispered "motherfucker!" when he walked away.

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  10. @jj. lmao. i just let my mr. neverthink own the ta-da moment. after all, i'm still lobbying for grant funding from him for a trip to fffffooooorrrrks. ;-)

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  11. @Neverthink - ML went on tour with his band for 5 1/2 weeks last year -- while we were in the middle of closing on a house. I get at least another year of freebies as far as I'm concerned.

    But you be nice to Mr. neverthink -- I want to see your crazy ass in Foooooorks!!!

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  12. That is the most ridiculous thing...I like that it's a "Special Report"

    I"m with you Fragile Little Human!! The IRS tracking him down made me snort.

    Seriously, what poor schlub drew the short straw over at Forbes to have to make this up!

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  13. As absurd as that is I fucking LOVE IT!!!! If I worked in the world of finance and they gave me that assignment I would have been soooooo stupid happy! I think that blonde chick is a Twitard...I think she is here somewhere. Blonde, money chick where are you?

    FFFOOOOORRRKKKKKSSSSS!

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  14. IDK - My old accounting professors had NO sense of humor - getting my MBA was a joyless (but worth-it!) slog. Thanks for the heads up, SNY. I missed this newsflash. It is uncharacteristic of NPR to report fluff. Maybe they'll interview TWITARDED now, after all, their byline is "All Things Considered" (Trailer poop, anyone??)

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  15. It makes Edward that much sexier to know that he is one of the heirs to a 36 billion dollar fortune. Thanks so much for your comments on our blog! Your the best!

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  16. Four adopted children? Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper and Alice. Thats five if my math is correct, which sadly it usually isn't.

    Still, thats the funniest shit ever. Carlisle Cullen, you shmexy Tycoon!

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  17. That is the funniest thing I've seen in a while! 'drs salary for 340 years w/o having to pay for groceries or health care expenses'. We'd all be rollin in it! I can just imagine ACTUAL rich people getting their Forbes magazine, thinking they were going to reading some insightful article about their peers..and find Carlisle! Hilarious.

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  18. BTW - I'm sorry to hear about your concert :( That volcano thing is so weird. Makes you realize how spoiled we are to think we can just go anywhere...anytime. Mother nature is laughing, telling want-to-be travelers to "Take That Mofos!"
    I hope it clears up soon..I mean isn't the Precious still over there??!!

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  19. @JJ, love that ML thought he'd trumped you with the news muahahaaa!

    @Trixie & Tess - Heir to an immortal? Could be waiting a while for that inheritance lol!

    This is the most surreal story I've heard in a while. I'm pretty sure that Carlisle will assign Jasper to any IRS dealings a la J. Jenks ;o)

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  20. Proof that we are not the only ones with a Twilight obsession....

    Hey, I thought Carlisle hadn't taken his doctor pay for years. He simply does it out of his compassion for us yummy-smelling vampy treats...

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  21. I think I'm chasing the wrong Cullen... come to Latchkey, Daddy Moneybags! This whore needs a new pair of shoes... oh, and an iPad please.

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  22. This is the funniest thing I have read ALL WEEK. LKW- I think you may need to find check out Carlisle in Clementine's on FF.

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  23. They also have a huge element wrong- Alice didn't show up until 1950 so there was no way for her to help the Cullens get around The Great Depression or recessions and stuff
    From The Lexicon
    "At some point she saw Jasper in a vision. He was searching for someone and Alice provided him with what he was looking for. They found each other in 1948 and by 1950 they had found Carlisle with more help from her visions. They have been members of the family ever since. (TW14) (TL)"

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  24. @lauren & pink betty buttercream. i fookin luv it that you are soo twitarded that you can refute motherfucking FORBES. *fist bump*

    i mean, how bloody hard can it be to google this shit for accuracy? or better yet, poll some twifriends - surely that blonde would know a twi-h00r or two! we're everywhere for gods's sake!

    i guess it must be true - never send a normie to do a twitard's job! *shakes head* next time they should beta their feature story thru twitardia, for accuracy & consistency. i'm hoping oprah's research team is emr more crack than Forbes...

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  25. Addicted2TwilightApril 17, 2010 at 1:57 PM

    Am I the only one who noticed that woman said that Isle Esme is in the Caribbean when in reality it is off Rio, in the South Atlantic! There were so many other mistakes. People should do some fact checking before they publish.

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  26. Hahahah, this is fantastic. Also, I kept thinking, "yeah, he's evaded taxes for 350 years, but the United States isn't even that old so....do you think the IRS will prosecute for taxes owed before the Declaration of Independence?

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  27. I totally agree... hey Forbes if you can't fact check a fictional story which would be pretty easy to do, like ask your twitarted friends everyone has one [all my friends have me :)], does this mean you don't fact check your real storys... just sayin'. I totally love that they get all these Twilight facts wrong when the story is clearly not meant for their 'normal' readers... I have been LOL'ing at this story and all of your lovely comments ;)

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  28. oh for fuck's sake! somebody tweet forbes to get this shit right! better yet, tweet the onion - better yet anderson fuckme cooper - how poorly forbes did with the research on their annual story!

    vw: expoo

    i'm keeping my fingers crossed some twitard will tweet and expoo the shabby forbes story!

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  29. Whoa, this is weird. We don't really do Forbes over here, but I always got the impression that it was serious and shit. And what kind of serious publication doesn't do the proper research about its fictional subjects? *shakes head* Shame on you Forbes.

    I feel for you guys with the concert. That friggin dust cloud is causing major shit on this side of the pond.

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  30. I'd love to have Stephenie Meyer's point of view on that matter. Her characters in Forbes...

    And then ? what else ? A vote on whether Carlisle could be the next US president ? Or Charlie as the head of the Department of Homeland Security ? yeaaaah

    As far as "serious" people have time to spare (no complaint here), why not ?

    I'd love that ;-)

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  31. Hahaha, I didn't realize this existed. Freaky. I love your recount of that.

    Wheeew! Just as I was writing this, I got an email with that BB free single. off to listen to it now. Yaay!

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  32. That’s fascinating! I’ve never heard that before….thanks so much for passing this along

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  33. oh for fuck's sake! somebody tweet forbes to get this shit right! better yet, tweet the onion - better yet anderson fuckme cooper - how poorly forbes did with the research on their annual story!

    vw: expoo

    i'm keeping my fingers crossed some twitard will tweet and expoo the shabby forbes story!

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  34. I totally agree... hey Forbes if you can't fact check a fictional story which would be pretty easy to do, like ask your twitarted friends everyone has one [all my friends have me :)], does this mean you don't fact check your real storys... just sayin'. I totally love that they get all these Twilight facts wrong when the story is clearly not meant for their 'normal' readers... I have been LOL'ing at this story and all of your lovely comments ;)

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  35. I think Carlisle should pay for our trip to Forks! I mean it'd be total chump change to him.

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