Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I Saw Mike Newton in a Gimp Mask {{Shiver}}

I'm sure this is shocking but there is something else I'm mildly obsessed with that IS NOT Twilight or Robert Pattinson related! I know, right? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Oh, JJ, how could you?! What is this world coming to?

However, just because it's not related to Twilight doesn't mean that Twilight doesn't somehow manage to sneak itself in to pretty much everything I see, hear or do at this point. This includes a particular police drama that I have a mild addiction to - Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

God forbid I like the regular old Law & Order. Nope. Instead, my favorite "branch" (there are like thirty gazillion spin-offs) is the one that deals with the sex crimes. Because I'm pervy like that.

Oh, and Ice-T is one of the detectives so that makes it all okay. I mean, how can you not love the irony of a "cop" who gained notoriety back in the day for making a song about... killing cops.

This guy plays a cop. If that's not amazing fucking acting, I don't know what is...

Plus, I may or may not want to "interrogated" by Detective Elliot Stabler. Repeatedly. You know, the whole "bend over, spread 'em" shtick -- replete with handcuffs and maybe even a little hair pulling or something. Because Elliott Stabler is most definitely the bad-ass cop.

Lusting after a 17 year old fictional character is within SVU jurisdiction. Put your hands against the wall and spread 'em. NOW! Lift your skirt up first...

That is why, a few nights ago, I was curled up on my futon catching up on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Season 8. For the record, if you think I'm absurdly slow keeping up with Twilight-y stuff, I should point out that they are currently up to season 12 or 40 or something like that so I'm waaaay behind. If it wasn't for Netflix I'd probably still be on Season 2.

Anyhoo, so there I was, watching an episode called "Pretend." I don't want to ruin it for anyone, but it involved a dead kid in a gimp mask who was beaten with a wiffle ball bat wrapped in barb wire by another kid in a gimp mask.

Who, I realized with a small shriek, was Mike Newton.

Awww, look. It's silly goofy, cute and useless Mike Newton...

In a gimp mask.

How you likin' me now me, Arizona? HUH?! HOW YOU MOTHER FUCKIN' LIKIN' ME NOW?!


When it finally occurred to me who was behind the mask, I kinda felt like I had seen something dirty. And not good dirty, either -- I'm talking bad dirty -- like walkin' in on your parents bumpin' uglies.

Suffice to say, I'm pretty sure that every time I see Mike Newton in the Twilight movies from now on, I will imagine him wearing a gimp mask.

And now you will too.

You're welcome.


  1. eww just freaky, did you watch his nerdy self on Joan of Arcadia?

  2. Decided not to throw me under the bus. Cool. You are so thoughtful. Fucking Mike Newton... like the little bastard didn't creep me out to begin with... now I have to picture him in that mask saying "wherefore art though Bel-la?" Gah! I may just have to fast forward through that particular part of New Moon from now on!

  3. OMG!!! this is just another thing for me to groan and go all *facepalm* about when I watch the twilight movies.

  4. Grrrreat. Mike Newton gives me the creeps. I HATE in New Moon when he says "Gotta get a lil' protein in there....." and grabs Bella's skinny ass arm. Gross Mike, gross.

  5. @LKW - Nope. I didn't tell anyone about the fact that YOU NEVER FUCKING HEARD OF A GIMP MASK!!


    Especially since I'm pretty sure you wear one everyday...

    Watch out for those tires, darlin'. :)

    @Shannon - Joan of Arcadia is something I've been meaning to check out. Perhaps Gimp Newton will be the catalyst in my getting up off my lazy ass and watching it.

    @KT - Careful with those facepalms. They can cause bruising... :P

  6. It's like a public service announcement by JJ. I'd say thanks for sharing but... yeah... not so much. ::shivers::

  7. Why does everyone hate Mike Newton? He's like that nerdy kid you'd never want to date but was good for an ego boost! Who'd want him when they have Edward Fucking Cullen?! He did make me laugh when he said ".... That dude is weird..."

  8. Why did they think he could pull off a gimp mask? He can barely pull off a varsity jacket...whatevs..

  9. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

    That makes the whole ass shaking/restaurant scene in Twilight so much more disturbing.

    And now I can't ever say or hear "how you liking me now Arizona?" and not hear it in a "sadist-murderer-that-kills with-weird-objects" kinda voice.

    Thanks JJ. Thanks.

  10. @LKW....looks like i will be joining you under the bus wheels!!!!!! i didnt know wht the fuck a gimp mask was either......so thanks for sharing JJ.....i never liked mike anyway, he seems kinda stalkerish to me...just sayin......

  11. the dirty and unholy things I would do to Christopher Meloni are prolly illegal in most states! I have loved him since he was on HBO's Oz *YUMMY INMATES* He is my ideal man much to my husbands Dismay... he could come and kick down my door anyday!!!!!

  12. SVU has been a not so guilty pleasure of mine FOREVER...to the point that I may have developed a small girl crush on Mariska. SHe can rock a leather jacket like no one else...LOL!
    Oh Mike...is there any role he has had that is not humiliating???

  13. JJ, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!?!??!?

    That image is now burned into my brain. Boo, you whore.


  14. @CC - OMG! LOL - That makes the whole ass shaking/restaurant scene in Twilight so much more disturbing.

    I popped in to read this post simply because I did not know what a gimp mask was. I SO could have lived a full life without that little nugget of knowledge.

  15. @JJ SVU is my fave too, have you seen Christopher Meloni in the 'Harold and Kumar' movies?
    talk about shudder worthy
    *shudders violently*

    @LKW yeah, I have a feeling there's a whole bunch you haven't heard of, and that JJ could let you into it all ...

    @powerpuffgirl, if mike is stalkery, what does that make edward?

    I liked twilight mike, I didn't really like new moon mike, with the single exception of the 'that dude's weird' line

  16. I seriously had know idea what a gimp mask was until the picture! (With a most awesome caption I might add!!)

    "How you likin' me now me, Arizona? HUH?! HOW YOU MOTHER FUCKIN' LIKIN' ME NOW?!"

    Holy shit!! That's awesome.

    Anyway. like I said. No idea that was called a gimp mask. I just assumed gimp meant something to do with handicapped. Like his legs didn't work or something.

    I don't know...I guess you learn something new everyday.

    Thanks Jenny!
    (oh yeah, SVU is my Law & Order of choice as well. Guess all tards are pervs as well)

  17. Christopher Meloni was also in Oz I hear (which I've been told I should watch) and I found this clip in which he's nekkid in a shower ... I didn't watch with sound on (hubs is actually spending an evening with me for once) but ... did I mention the nekkid?

  18. OMFE, I fucking love me some Law and Order, esp SVU, and Elliott Stabler is fuckhawt.

    Also, LMFAO @ "how you likin' me now, Arizona???" with the gimp mask. You crack my shit up.

  19. *raises hand* Oooh I know what a gimp mask is, of course. Hello, if you’ve seen Pulp Fiction, than you know what a gimp mask is.

    Mike Newton in a gimp mask... That cracks me up. He’s trying to show you he’s like Edward in The Dominant, JJ. He wants to tie you and spank your whip your naughty.

  20. Mike Newton also appeared on an episode of CSI Miami as the younger brother of a Canadian bloke who gets gunned down in a hotel elevator. But that's the only TV appearance he made that I was aware of until five minutes ago.

  21. I'm posting this comment just to say that I'm refusing to comment on this. I wish I could unsee some things. Coincidentally, many of them are things Jenny sent to me.

  22. @jj. where do you cum up w/this shit?

    gimp mask. little mikey newton. rolflmfao. poor mikey.
    so now all i can think of...

    omfg. what would FIFTY look like in that mask? *motherfucking thud*

    so now THAT fucking gave me an adrenaline rush.

    and yes, i googled Fifty.


    oh. my. god.

    vw: stedinv

    fifty shades. stedinv my trembling heart.

  23. @jj. ok, now that i've calmed the fuck, down, here's a thing or 2.

    your cleverness knows no bounds.

    1. is it just me, or did anyone else do a double take on that first pic of rob? wtf - that IS a fire hydrant he's perched upon, right? umm, that's not him, is it? i can't quite tell cuz my eyes glazed over a bit...

    2. sex crimes unit IS the best.

    3. motherfucking ice t. straight outta compton, bitch! luvs me some t, ya know? and can coco be any m00r of a h00r? luvs them!

    4. stabler makes me ummm unstable. legs quiver & i go all akimbo. ya know.

    5. no traumatized by this gimpton. THAT occurred the first time i watched pulp fiction. had my gimp-ewww cherry popped by quentin motherfucking-ewwww-hound tarantino.

  24. @cupcake donna. sooo just spewed red wine all over the carpet w/your line

    "I just assumed gimp meant something to do with handicapped. Like his legs didn't work or something".

    FUCKING PRICELESS. you can't pay for this kinda funny schtuff. :-)

  25. Oh, JJ....I knew I should have said something about this sooner. I was sitting there, watchin SVU reruns months and months ago (bc I also only watch the pervy L&O), and BOOM! Newton in a gimp mask. Oh yeah, I know what that shit is. Almost vomited in my mouth. I immediately imdb'ed him to make sure...

    Sorry I failed you. However "HOW YOU MOTHERFUCKIN' LIKIN' ME NOW?" Blogosphere gold.

    @neverthink: thank you for throwing that glorious piece into my box. You know how to make my toes curl. I fucking pant in your general direction.

    I'm going to go ahead and note that my Astronomy prof at uni looked exactly like Eliot. And I totally sat in the front with low cut shirts (which isn't hard bc I have tig ol' bitties) and often dropped pens. And forgot to wear panties. Gah.

    Vw suprod: I need Fifty to cane me with his suprod. *aaaand I I just came w/o permission*

  26. @linds.

    ahh grass hoppah. A+ on the veriword. NOW you're using the old noodle.

    re. that vid...chunky silver pinky ring at 1:05. i'm just sayin.

    vw: chwore

    omg. coco is such a chwore in that outfit.

  27. And THIS is why I puffy heart Twitarded!!!

    To be honest, I didn't know that a gimp mask was what that was called either. We can't all be fluent in sado-masochism. :P

  28. hahaha @neverthink ... I thought you meant 1:05 in the vid i linked to earlier and I was thinking, pinky ring ... you'd have to look hard to see one and who'd be looking that hard at hands when there's nekkid around ... lol!

    so yes, in the other one, hot pinkie ring ;)

  29. i may have to go read some twi smut before bed now... *shudders* at the thought of mike newton in the gimp mask the last thing before bed. O.o

  30. Oh hell, couldn't get past pic #1 with the precious sitting on a fire hydrant. That is sexy, right???

  31. Oh bollocks i was reading that post hoping to god u didnt post a pic of gimpy mike! and then you did!! Now its burned into my brain scarred me for life foreverrr!!! Cheers!!

  32. I love Law and Order: SVU, and yet I never saw that episode! LOL
    Thank you for implanting this image of him in my brain, I will think of you everytime I see him now.

  33. Damn JJ, I was really hoping you were being facetious when you said Mike Newton in a gimp mask but nooooo, you went and got all Pulp Fiction on our asses and broke out the gimp. *shakes head* Fairly certain I'll be going home today and watching Twilight and New Moon just to take all of Mike's lines picture him in the pimp mask while saying them. Furthermore I'll be imagining Bella jamming a ball gag into Ol Mikey Boy's mouth and telling him to squeal like a pig. So, yeah, thanks for that, lol!

  34. LOL "How you fucking like me now?!" - so wrong *shudder*
    - Lorabell

  35. 1. pic of mike newton guy reminds me of the kid who plays the bratty punk in that Grisham movie a while back...oh wait, he died. Sorry.

    2. I didn't know what a gimp mask was either...I took it literally; was expecting a photo of a guy wearing a mask of someone thats um, challenged.

  36. Mike Welch talked about this episode at the ATL convention we went to in March. He left out the part about the gimp mask, though. He was asked about his most embarrasing work experience ever (which I would think would be having to wear a gimp mask, but apparently not. Does that tell us something about Mike Welch?) When they were filming his courtroom scene, instead of saying his real lines, he quoted from the movie A Few Good Men. Everyone laughed and set up for another take. But then Mike realized that, not only had he wasted a take and everyone's time....he had forgotton his real lines.

    I'm really curious now how the gimp mask didn't make it into the story...

  37. I loooooooove law and order, I actually had the song as my ringtone haha. SVU is my fav and I fucking LOVE stabler aswell, the crimes I would commit to have him arrest me!

    Aaaaand I rememer that episode, but hadn't seen it since twilight took over my life so I didn't realise it was him!!

  38. This post is both hilarious and friggin' scary! OMG Mike Newton in gimp mask will prob give me nightmares!

    I watch NCIS and on an old episode, Mike Welch played a kid who held a classroom hostage. I guess he plays the token crazy ass more than I realized...

  39. I wonder if on his imdb page it lists-
    Law and Order, Season 8 (Gimp #2)

    I'm actually astonished that most of you DON'T know what a gimp mask is! I know what it is and I JUST started to read fanfic. Especially LW who just posted a blog about cock viewing in a museum:)

    JJ-you crack my shit up.

    And someone has to figure out a way to post a clip of MN in that episode. I'm too lazy and technologically challenged...a techno gimp if you will.

  40. Ladies, what is Fifty Shades?? I read about it, but I can't figure it out! I'm thinking it's something hott i need to bookmark on twilighted? Correct?

  41. @laphipps - 50 Shades = Master of the Universe. A MUST read in the Twificdom.

  42. Perfect! Haha! Being the good ficwhore that I am, I already have that on the list! Currently reading/loving Breaking Trinity! Looooove me some Snarlward!

  43. @luxie That's right he WAS on NCIS!! He played a spastic kid being controlled by terrorists wearing a bomb for a vest.
    He just looks like your every day high school kid - could be a dork, could be the dorky jock.

  44. *curled up in a corner rocking back and forth from what ive just seen/read* i. have. no. words.

  45. my eyes are burning. ugh! (thanks this made me chuckle, out loud)

  46. Some things cannot be unseen - thanks JJ.

  47. wholley crapola...JJ you are a sick bitch and you are taking us innocents all down with you...LMAO...ick, Mike in a Gimp Mask...*shiver* cringe*shiver*

    I love SVU! @Mrs P she def does rock the leather doesn't she...girl crush for sure. And I would also Love to be frisked by Elliot...mmmmmmmmhmmmmm @JJ!

    Great post!

  48. Bitch. I didnt need that in my head. LOL. Im still trying to sort out MotU. Damn Mike! We knew Bella and Edward would drive him to drink but this... come on, man, have some dignity.

  49. Yikes....don't google gimp mask. I too thought it was something to do with a bad leg.

  50. @ Honolulu Girl - "Say what one more time, mother fucker".....Pulp Fiction rules. Where's Gimpy's rubber ball?

  51. This comment has been removed by the author.

  52. JJ---

    A while ago when I was procrastinating and avoided my copious amounts of "To Do" work, I was perusing facebook and came across this group and had to join IMMEDIATELY. What you said about Detective Stabler in the beginning of this post reminded me.


    And in closing: I too, would like Detective Stabler to "specially victimize" me with his "unit".


    P.S. - They used to film SVU around my dorm and I once ran into him and died a little.

  53. @HV- You are fucking hilarous!!!
    Puffy hearts.

  54. JJ,

    Newton has always creeped me out a little, but then I realized that I have actually seen this episode, and barfed a little in my throat.

    I also love SVU. I love it when the boy goes to Grandmas for a Saturday and I can plant my ass in front of the TV for those fucking awesome SVU marathons. Shackle me, Stabler. And, Mariska is my hero.

  55. OMG! Now we finally know what Bella's REALLY screaming 'bout in her sleep in NM... she's having Gimp mask Newton night terrors!... Ahh it all makes so much sense now! ..And here I thought Bella was over doing it with screaming.....

  56. @Luxie: omfg, hilarious! Good f'ing call.

    Sooo....unrelated, but I think we need to do a headcount for FOOOORRRRRKKKKS!!!! and seriously start a paypal for bail. If we don't use it, we can do a donation to the Lemonade Stand or sumpin'.

    And!!! MotU updated w/in minutes of The Training. Domward and Fifty on the same day?! *I think my panties just stuck to the wall...* Aaaand it made my bf happy after we got home from the bar...just sayin'.

    vw: apherste.

    "Apherste, I thought STY and JJ were fucking 'tard-o. Then I realized I was just like them."

  57. LMFAO I pretty much lissed myself laughing @ this post. I 2 am a fan of L&O: SVU but hav never seen this epi. I honestly am never gonna c Mike in the same way again. Seriously? A gimp mask?! LMAO. U killed me with "How you likin' me now me, Arizona? HUH?! HOW YOU MOTHER FUCKIN' LIKIN' ME NOW?!"
    I had 2 email this 2 friends LOL coz ther ain't noway I'm gonna b the only scarred twitard in my group of friends!

  58. Grrrreat. Mike Newton gives me the creeps. I HATE in New Moon when he says "Gotta get a lil' protein in there....." and grabs Bella's skinny ass arm. Gross Mike, gross.

  59. Decided not to throw me under the bus. Cool. You are so thoughtful. Fucking Mike Newton... like the little bastard didn't creep me out to begin with... now I have to picture him in that mask saying "wherefore art though Bel-la?" Gah! I may just have to fast forward through that particular part of New Moon from now on!


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