Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I Take One For The Team and Interview RPattz... Again

Um, enough talk about Billy/Charlie... let's get back to the preh-tay, the precious, the panty-melter... you know who I'm talking about! And since JJ and STY are too busy being buddy buddy with BB, I guess I'll just have to be the voice of reason. (Wow, that's a scary thought!)

A while back I started to get really annoyed by these stupid, asinine questions interviewers were asking of ‘the precious.’ I mean seriously people, do some research… find out what the masses want to hear about. You know, like the size of his package... And stop talking about his hair. You suck, therefore you have no right to even look at his hair, let alone talk about it.

People... people... leave the hair talk to my laaaaaaadies, please.

When I left young Mr. Pattinson after my last interview…wha? You haven’t read my first interview with RPattz? Well, then get your whorey asses over here and take a squint. Where was I? Oh yes, my last interview…well, it sort of ended with me sort of being escorted out of his hotel room sort of by his security team. Dude, I just asked to see his cock. Was that inappropriate?

Well after many attempts, much groveling and countless blowjobs I don’t want to discuss (or ever think about again for that matter), I was finally granted access to the preh-tay for another, um, meeting. Evidently, being holed up in his hotel room… alone… with me… was a bit too frightening for Rob the last time, and I guess I’ve been labeled ‘unstable’ by his camp, so now we can only meet in public. Muthafuckin pussies if you ask me. For chrissakes, I’m 5 feet fucking 2 and look like an innocent, virginal angel, I’m still not sure how I could be labeled ‘unstable.’

Fuck me, that Latchkey Wife is one scary whore.

So our interviews now must take place in the hotel bar. Ok, I’ll accept that. I guess. Just as long as it’s a dark corner table with a floor length tablecloth. I like to do the majority of my interviews from under the table (if you know what I mean.)

I met with Rob a few weeks after Remember Me opened. We had lots to discuss. Little did he know I would also be doing some serious research for some of my bloggyworld friends.
LKW: Hi Rob. In case you don’t remember me (ha), I’m Latchkey Wife. I interviewed you late last fall.
RP: Um ya, I remember you. {{looks around nervously to make sure security is within reach}}

LKW: Ya, about that. I’m sorry our interview ended so abruptly. I can sometimes say inappropriate things. I often misplace my brain to mouth filter. Or in this case, my vag to mouth filter.
RP: Your what filter? Oh never mind, I think I probably don’t even want you to repeat that.

LKW: You’re probably right. Sorry… like I said, no filter. Anyways… I really loved Remember Me. It was a great story and I think you did a fabulous job with Tyler. What was it like playing a normal character? And by normal I mean, a character not having the Edward Cullen stick up his ass.
RP: It was great. After doing so much with the Twilight movies over the past two years, it was nice to let loose, wear my own clothes, smoke anytime I want.

LKW: Hmmmmm. I love to watch you put things in your mouth.
RP: Pardon me?

LKW: I said, it was fun to see you let loose. Smoking is bad for you.
RP: {{chuckles}} Yes, I know.

LKW: Alrighty, that’s enough about the movie. I have some serious research that I’m conducting for a group of Twitardian specialists and I have some other questions for you. Please don’t be offended. I’m asking these questions with the utmost respect.
RP: {{checks to make sure security is out of earshot}} Sure, I’m game. Go ahead and ask away.

LKW: Ok, first question… do you have a penis?
RP: Seriously?

LKW: Hey, it’s a valid question. There are very few photos with a visible bulge. Us dirty girls, um, I mean researchers, need to see some evidence.
RP: Yes, I have a penis. I wear boxer briefs to keep it a mystery.

LKW: That’s a mystery I’d like to solve.
RP: Pardon me?

LKW: I said, thanks for being honest. Would you classify your penis as average as far as length and girth go?
RP: I’ll say I’m above average on both accounts.

LKW: I’m afraid I’m going to need proof. {{chuckles evilly}}
RP: {{chuckles nervously}} Um…

LKW: Dude, just playing with ya. We’ve spent a lot of time together. Do you not get my sense of humor? Next question… does your penis wear a parka?
RP: Does my penis wear a parka? I’m confused. My penis doesn’t usually get cold tucked in my pants. Why would it need a parka?

LKW: {{laughs out loud}} Are you circumcised?
RP: Ok, now I get. No, I’m not.

LKW: {{dies}} Do you manscape?
RP: Manscape? Where do you come up with this shit?

LKW: You know, do you trim the hedges? Prune the pubes?
RP: What the…? {{shakes his head}} Um no, I go au natural.

LKW: {{dies again}} Can I touch it?
RP: Security!

LKW: I was just kidding. Sort of. {{yells as she’s being dragged away}} Thanks for your time. I could’ve made it way more worth your while if you weren’t so scared of me!

Oh wow, isn't it funny how getting arrested makes me look like Serena from Gossip Girl? Damn paparazzi. Why won't they just leave me alone?

And with that last comment, I was or blacklisted when it comes to interviewing the likes of RPattz. I don't think I'm even allowed at ComicCon... Next time I guess I’m going to have to come up with a disguise and a pseudonym to get through that wall of security. Help me come up with something good… mkay?

[Note from JJ] Here's my suggestion -- SEX-AY! xoxo JJ


  1. BAHAHAHAH Oh LKW, you are priceless, you scary whore. :-D Hooray for scary whores! And RPatz peen... mmmm.... uncircumcised, you say?

  2. oh I do love it when you interview The Precious.

    Your pseudonym should be Christian Stuart. Maybe you can find Jacob's wig in a dumpster behind Summit Studios HQ. Maybe Rob's security team would mistake you for KStew and grant you FULL access to him.

    Please, please do more interviews. I can see that you take journalism very seriously. You could interview some of the other cast members to broaden your portfolio.

  3. OHMYFUCKINGGOD!!!!!!!! you are a fucking hilarious dirty hoor!!!1 and i fucking love u, i would almost give my left tit to meet u in fooooooorrrrrkkkkksssssssssss insept , but since i have to go show off said tit in vegas at the begining of sept i cant make it to forks!!!!! (unless i hit a bigfuckingjackpot) then i will be there to party witha a
    ll u crazy twatwaffles!!!!!!!!

  4. I FUCKING LOVE THIS POST! Oh. My. Gawd LKW, you are one dirrrrrrty and hilariously funny biotch.

    I read this at work and had to stop laughing out loud every time a guest walked by. When a guest did approach I wanted to remove my nasty-ass smelling shoes (thx nylons) and chuck em at their face! Come on skanks, can't you see I'm reading LKW's interview with the PRECIOUS???

    XOXO Puffy heart you big time LKW!

    xoxo J

  5. I think Rob would appreciate those questions.

    From what we've seen and heard from him, he usually brings up the peen.

    Doesn't work properly, wears a bra, a "big hard tool," etc.

    He wants to share. Keep after him!

  6. HAHAHAH @Twired Jen, love the part about the shoes- this TOTALLY happens to me at work every day! I try to leave them off under my desk but now that it's warm out...

    I'm so glad I have somewhere to talk about this stuff with you twatwaffles :)

  7. Hehehe, so glad you likey! It's hard to get in to see RPattz so when I do, I must make it count! Just trying to get all those answers we've all been searching for...

  8. So, not only do you wear diapers but you also make me laugh....and after the past few days I've had, I needed a good laugh.

    aka Vommit Mummy

  9. OMFG I just wahoo'd my netbook from laughing and spitting coffee outa my nose! You are a perfect addition to Twitarded. Thank you for asking the questions we all wanted to know. Baba Wawa should take lessons from you.
    "Can I touch it?" LOFL!!!!

  10. @Cazza - I thought the diaper thing was just between you and me... thanks for spilling my secret whore! LOL!

  11. LMAO at this interview. Latchkey Wife, I think I love you. I don't know why RPattz won't show you his peen... maybe third time is the charm???

  12. Oh christychrist, you need to do another interview and your pseudonym should be Snatchkey Wife. That's totally fucking different right??

    I'm starting to think that Rob may be a bit of a prude...I didn't see anything remotely fucking inappropriate about your line of questioning. It's not like you tackled him and started gnawing at his cock or anything!? Sheesh.

    Thanks for clearing up the parka debate! I was fairly sure he was uncut...this just confirms that I should trust my fucking instsincts more often. ~sigh~

    Loved this!!!!

    @Mox ~ "Christian Stuart". Holy Fuck that was hysterical!!


  13. How did I miss your first interview w/ The Presh? Oh man-Once again, wine out the nose. Hurts, but feels oh so good too. I loved your interviews w/ Robert. I was laughing hysterically, making my hubby roll his eyes and call me a 'tard-That's Twitard to you Mister! Love you LKW! Keep 'em comin', and I'll do the same to Rob! (Sorry-I couldn't resist!)

  14. Hmmm-And this post makes me all the more excited for FFFFFOOOORRRRKKKKSSS in September. Meeting you and JJ and STY is going to be fantastic!

  15. OMFE! How fraking hilarious are you? So fraking hilarious you made me pee a little. That's right, I said it. I ain't ashamed! Its not like it seeped through my jeans or anything..

    I swear to the Twigods...We were worried about BB reading the last couple blogs (then he did!), and everyone is all "ome, what if The Precious reads the blog, too?!"

    Well, slitches and crows, you neednt worry. He's been reading from day 1. And he graciously allowed LKW within the bounds of the restraining order, so if that isn't win...

  16. And here I thought we couldn't get any saucier - who knew?!

    & next time you get an interview, LKW, you'd better bring us along for the ride (uh, and other things...).

    : )

    ok i am off to start creating @mmMoxie's disguise - it's gonna come in handy next time!

  17. @LKW - thankfuck you can keep a errmm straight head at times like these (when everybody's taking a BB u-fucking-turn)and steering us back to the safe, warm crotch-cuddle that is The Pretty.

    [insert vizual comparison:
    jj + sty = doug.
    BB = squirrel]

    I think i luv you best, scarecrow, cuz...

    1. you're kinda beautiful
    2. you luvs The Precious bestest
    3. you give blow jobs to get wot you want
    4. you'll take a bullet for the twitards
    5. the majority of your interviews are under the table

    so i'll follow you, LKW, down that yellow brick road to that magical place where you might like a parka sometimes, but don't really give a fuck if you get one or not cuz everything is already cold, wet and sparkly. just like we fucking like it.

    vw: etizedc

    LWK lurves to suck etizedc under the table.

  18. lmao ah shit you made me snort that was too fucking hilarious and yeah I like when he puts things in his mouth too hehe. And the Christian Stuart idea is fucking epic, Moxie is a god damn genius! Dude I really wish someone could get away with asking him questions about the peen but there is an interview out there where they all do say fuck alot lol and they talk bout doggy style and VILFs it's got some good sound bytes...

  19. Clearly you have been hanging out with the wrong pervs lol There are actually a lot of pictures of the um, bulge. *coughs* But I loved your post to bits and pieces and I Lol'd several times. Great job :)

  20. OMFG LKW. it just dawned on're not the THAT pirate hooker, are you?

    and for the rest of you twitards, here are some of the best sound bites i've encountered thus far. seems kinda fitting, since these are from actual interviews and such.

    ummmm so now i'm wondering...what were the questions LKW asked him to get THESE responses?!

    vw: mandefl

    Rpatzz was stunned into silence when LKW mandefl'd his package.

  21. @neverthink: "crotch-cuddle?!". Holy shit, that's going into the archives. We need to get that one translated.
    @Moxie: Christian Stuart! How did I miss that?!

    Fooooooorrrrrkkkkssss!!! is going to be fucking riDONKulous, LKW. Now that your an official rockfuckingstar...I can just feeeel it.

  22. @linds. translate, you say? heh. as Principe Della Mafiaward would say...inguinale coccolare...

    umm ok i think i just came a little.

  23. Oh LKW your genius dirty mind at work again. Next time can you throw in some questions about what really turns him on and what shampoo does KStew use so we can all smell like her? Actually scratch that...what shampoo does he use so we can all smell like him. What whiskey does he drink? You know practical info I can work with...puhlease.

    Oh and hello Billy! (In case you are lurking) Cheers! Can someone pass me the flask I need a shot.

  24. Out of all of that awesomeness I can't get past one thing... I have to say - in my very vivid mind - he IS circumcised! Ok, and slightly manscaped. I do enjoy this lovely mental picture

  25. LoL, LMAO, ROFLMAO, PMSL, and the likes.

    You definitely belong here on Twitarded, LKW.

  26. I have to say it. Out loud.

    I FUCKING LOVE YOU LKW!!! Your unswerving committment to journalistic integrity is astounding! Your grace under fire puts you in a class above the rest. And now that's my 2 degress of separation to the Precious. YES!

  27. @neverthink: Thanks for posting that link... now I've made myself late for work this morning listening to the dirty stuff coming out of his mouth.

    I am the Pirate Hooker, but I refuse to return to Whore Island... unless he comes with him (and on me!)

  28. Ohmyfuck you are hilarious! I love your dirty mind and your fearlessness. We are lucky someone out there is willing to ask the important questions!

    Thanks for the laughs. Now I must clean spewed tea off my monitor!

  29. @LKW - you effin rock my world.

    @ neverthink "...inguinale coccolare..." jeebus- that's brillant- great ref.

    @mmMoxie 'Christian Stuart' - faneffintabulous!

    @Twired Jen: you so reminded me of the scene from _don't mess with the zohan_ when he says 'smell it, smell it, now take it"

  30. omgg did you actually ask him these questions ? you are fucking insane! big love to you.

  31. Christian Stuart - bwahahahahaha

    Perfect timing on this post, considering Billy Burke just told Rob to check out Twitarded yesterday. He'll feel so welcomed.

    I'm planning to interview Rob on my blog at some point. I'll be sure not to mention I know you.

  32. I fucking love you, LKW. Thank you for being a serious journalist who asks the questions we really want answered.

  33. ROFL!!! I absolutelly love your 2nd interview as well! So glad to find you here! *mwah*

  34. @LKW-
    I would like to place an application to be your assistant. As a service to society, I would work for free.
    Clearly, I think Rob would feel more comfortable , shall we say, 2 on 1.
    I have mad skillz. We WOULD get answers!!

  35. @sparklemindy & LKW. ummm, can i watch?

    vw: duene

    neverthink watched rpattz duene with LKW and sparklemindy.

    srsly - i think cf4life works at the fucking veriword store. just sayin.

  36. @biel. OMFG! i can't believe you posted here! (you'll know me as derrydowngreen1 over at youtube).

    it's an honour! more fifty shades vids please please please!

    oh um yeah can you do one now for the fuckhawt billy burke? that would be sooo nice and sty can post about THAT!

  37. Fucking hilarious! I am so glad u asked the important questions! I have to visit latchkey land more often! Priceless!

  38. What? *looks around confused* I see nothing weird about her line of questioning. FINALLY, someone who got to the bottom of things. Latchkey wife, you are my hero.

  39. And here I thought we couldn't get any saucier - who knew?!

    & next time you get an interview, LKW, you'd better bring us along for the ride (uh, and other things...).

    : )

    ok i am off to start creating @mmMoxie's disguise - it's gonna come in handy next time!

  40. LMAO at this interview. Latchkey Wife, I think I love you. I don't know why RPattz won't show you his peen... maybe third time is the charm???

  41. How did I miss your first interview w/ The Presh? Oh man-Once again, wine out the nose. Hurts, but feels oh so good too. I loved your interviews w/ Robert. I was laughing hysterically, making my hubby roll his eyes and call me a 'tard-That's Twitard to you Mister! Love you LKW! Keep 'em comin', and I'll do the same to Rob! (Sorry-I couldn't resist!)


Comments are our life now. Leave one!