Sunday, April 11, 2010

Kristen Stewart's Secrets REVEALED! (Oh & Happy Belated Birthday!)

Pic totally filched from Kristen Stewart Wants It - Thanks, KSWI Jordan!

As some of you may know, we have a not-so-secret weapon in our arsenal here at Twitarded. No, no - we're not talking about "The Vamp," Jenny Jerkface's atomic potty mouth, or our... "special" underwear. We're talking about "The Secret Language of Birthdays" - our fave book for delving deep into the psyche of anyone we choose, provided we know their date of birth. So here's looking at YOU, Kristen Stewart, and all you other April 9th people!

April 9th - The Day of Excess

April 9 People are certainly one of a kind. They are often the extreme embodiment of unusual trends in society, their talents conveyed in excess. Any compromise, restriction or tempering of their abilities is out of the question. Usually they leave no doubt as to their views on any subject--they are outspoken, direct, sometimes even harsh. But talking about what they do is not really their speciality; they just prefer doing it [*cough*doingRPatts*cough*] which usually means doing it a lot [mmmm hmmm... I'll bet!].

That book TOTALLY nailed you, luv...

April 9 people have a particular genius for translating ideas [like wanting to boff the pea coat off of their hawt co-star] into action, giving rein to their fantasies in the most practical ways [KStew wanted to boff Edward Cullen! I am sure of it now...]. They can even make a good living doing so [ahem - I rest my case]. Fortunately, their ideas are usually of a social nature and thus enrich the lives of others [I stand enriched]. April 9 people have a strange thought process, often quite humorous, but are not idle dreamers. On the contrary, they have a strong realistic streak and the uncanny ability to know when an idea's time has come [...and it's time to dump the probably-nice adolescent boyfriend and move on to scruffier greener pastures].

Not overly social people, those born on this day may find their ideas the principle link between themselves and their associates, family and friends. More often than not, the world of the April 9 person is a highly individualized and somewhat lonely one [especially when your boyfriend is in Hungary for his Bel Ami wrap-party on your birthday]. There is a great desire to share personal discoveries with intimates, but this is not always possible. The greatest gift an April 9 person can give is to reveal him/herself at a deep level to another; too often, however, this gift is never given.

The strong influence April 9 people have on others is not always for the best [see: Sister Snarky's take on how Robsten will ruin the Twilight franchise]. Their families or followers should beware of adopting their more strongly biased and excessive ideas literally. To do this could have shattering results [maybe getting that Joan Jett-mullet 'do after KStew rocked it was a mistake?]. Above all, those born on this day set an example for freedom of action, for discipline in work, for a kind of uncompromising behavior that most people cannot emulate [translated: you will never boff RPatts]. When the aim of April 9 people is to radically change the thought of others by way of example, they usually succeed. But because April 9 people usually have a strong amoral streak, those around them may even see them as unprincipled or selfish [translated: KStew will NEVER share].

Get yer' own, bitches... This one's taken.

Numbers and Planets: Those born on 9th of the month are ruled by the number 9 and by the planet Mars. Extreme forms of aggression may manifest along with impulsiveness and anger [note to RPatts: be careful! she could go all Lorena Bobbit on you at any moment!!!].

Health: April 9 people must be very careful of literally destroying themselves and and others with their energy. Self-inflicted injuries of all kinds are a danger [clumsy - yup!]. Mars influences are so strong in April 9 persons that they may also attract antagonism, even violence, from others... [We don't wish her any ill will but if she were standing between an army of tweeners and RPatts, I would walk the other way...] In April 9 people the physical aspects of life need to be tempered [note to KStew: step AWAY from RPatts's junk for two seconds! sheesh...]

Advice: Beware of selfishness; giving and receiving love is important for everyone [and there's more than enough Robert Pattinson to go around, am I right???].

P.S. If you're interested, you can read the VERY revealing "Secret Language of Birthdays" break-down on both Robert Pattinson ("The Day of Natural Appeal") and Edward Cullen ("The Day of Ecstatic Appeal" - we can't make this stuff up!) - definitely more entertaining than all that other productive nonsense you might have planned for late Sunday night or Monday!


  1. That was awesome...and so dead on for As for Rob "The Day of Natural Appeal" ya!

    Great post STY!

  2. I have that book! I don't care what people think, it's an AWESOME book!

  3. You comments throughout are hilarious and perfect... as always. Great post. I must find that book and check my birthday out. Too much fun :)

  4. Lucky biatch....Happy Birthday indeed....she probably actually wished for world peace when she blew out her birthday candles...I mean she has everything else right? I used to wish for world peace until about two years ago when I completely regressed into a teeny bopper mentality and started lusting after...oh well, you all know the story.

    Great post STY!

  5. Oh STY, how I love you. I just read this at almost-two am, and I'm sort of at that point where EVERYTHING is funny? But your post is ACTUALLY funny, so I just about busted my gut laughing - your commentary is hilarious, as usually, and then you had to go and get my panties all wet by posting that DELICIOUS picture of Rob. But in my mind instead of KStew, he's holding me in that black bustier thing, and my hair is not frizzy at all. Not one bit.

    Damn her. Damn that bitch to hell for not sharing.

    I mean, what? Ahem. I mean, Happy belated bday, Kstew! Coughwhorecough.


  6. Happy to find this, esp a month before Mr. TC's birthday. I love that you included my favourite VF pic of them - my desktop.

  7. Oops, just re-read and realized I said, "as usually."

    Sorry kids.

  8. That book is scary accurate! I may have to pick it up to see what mine is...

    @STY - Yet again, your post has made me smile and giggle like a ten year old boy looking at porn for the first time. I puffy heart you, girl!

  9. Well, shiiit! I had no idea KStew is an Aries. Sweeeet! Us Aries have a special connection, yep we do. Now, I'm thinking how I've no fucking clue when Rob's bday is, gasp, gasp.

    Interesting piece that book is.

  10. WOW..that was dead on. I wonder if this also applies to Dennis Quaid ;-)

  11. @Jelena.
    Rob's is May 13. I now consider it a holy day of sorts. I am thinking of finding a waxrob to pray to this year...

  12. That is some very cool shit. But let me just put this out there... if she was standing between RPattz and ME... I'd fucking cut that bitch without a second thought. Just sayin. I need to see what this book says about my birthday. But I'm going to wait until my birthday is closer!

  13. Great post.
    I wonder what the book has to say about me... Something like "Tends to have unhealthy obsessions with teen fantasy series and perversions of the stories. They also spend excessive amounts of time on inappropriate celebrity crushes. Some may find these people crazy, but really, they're harmless."

  14. Woah! --That was cryptically accurate. Esp the very 1st part.
    I've gots to get this book!

    Vitamin R, I know! WTF has she got left to wish for?
    Its hard not to be jealous... damn lucky bitch!

  15. I just hope you snatchfaces realize that with all the kstew b-day and robsten shiznit going around the past few days that I AM FUCKING DYING INSIDE!!!!
    I can't take much more of this...but I'm a complete and total masochist so I will keep coming back.
    I need to go to my happy place for a bit...and Kristen is not fucking invited!!!

    There. I said it. I feel better now.


  16. I just went and read Sister Snarkey's view on how Robsten will ruin the franchise and that's what I've been saying all along!! Why couldn't they wait till after they finish the franchise and then go buck wild? I just have this feeling that something's going to happen between now and then and they won't want to work together and they'll fuck it all up. We as fan have dumped a billion dollars into this franchise and made these two popular so I want a good damn movie ya know?

    Anyway, I thought the birthday post was hilarious and LMAO Latchkey- we better never get between her and Rob we might find ourselves shanked!

  17. The Day of Natural, HELLO?! That is the perfect day for him. YUM. That is so spot on for KStew, as well. I love reading stuff like that...wonder what my birthday says about me. Hmmm.

    Great post!

  18. Woah. Way to be on the inserts, STY! I was thinking about just skimming through and going to the comments for any additional hilarity, but no. It was all in the fine print. And I thank you for that!

    I hold no ill will for KStew. Outside of her tourettic tendencies on screen, I think she's fucking hot. So happy belated, biatch. Hope you got some fucking killer stilettos to push into RPatt's chest when he gets back from Hungary. Make him suck the heel and lick his way up. You can thank me later.

    @LKW: Yup, yup, yup. Mhmmmm. How 'bout we take him together, both cut her shit up, and then you and I can fight for right side/left side. That way we both get jaw, fingers and hip bones, but it will be a surprise whether he leans left, right, or center.

    v/w: cosubit

    Dammit, Edward! I'm all sparkly now cosubit me, you fuckhawt vampire, you!


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