Thursday, April 1, 2010

[MOANS] Have You Watched New Moon With Subtitles?

I have not been a very good New Moon DVD owner since I picked up my copy the day of its release. I've only watched it once. [GASP!] And spank my ass and call me Sally, but I wasn't even waiting at Target when the store opened like I was for the Twilight DVD release. Maybe it's because I feel like an old pro now and not some fucking newbie who couldn't wait to get her filthy little paws on the Twilight DVD and commence watching it over and over and over again. Or maybe it's because my stupid STUPID husband is home all the fucking time and I never get a spare moment to watch shit by myself. I definitely think it's reason #2. Go back to second shift, dumbass!

So in light of knowing this could be the only time I got to watch New Moon in the weeks (yikes) to come, I had to make the decision on just how to watch it. My favorite things to do with the Twilight DVD is watch with the commentary turned on. And really only for Rob because he just cracks my ass up... constantly! I knew the commentary for NM didn't feature 'the precious', so I went for the subtitles. Come on, you have to admit, there was a fuck load of mumbling and whispering in this movie... drove me fucking crazy. For some reason, it seems the movie theaters enjoy playing all the previews in the loudest volume possible, but like to turn down the actual movie so much you can barely hear it. I guess it doesn't help that I'm deafer than shit. Pisses. Me. Off.

The subtitles were hysterical. I'm sure they weren't intended to be funny, but every time Bella made a stupid noise, it would say [GASP] or [PANTING] and I would die. You could get pretty hammered if you made it into a drinking game. Oh, [MOAN], driiiiiiiink! Bwaaaaahaha! Oh well, I know I sure did my share of gasping and panting and moaning while watching it. So because I'm a little sick in the brain (but you already knew that, right?), I'm going to make up some subtitles of my very own....

Latchkey Wife: Forget that stuttery bitch. Come to mama! [MOANS, loudly]

Bella: Whoa, I shouldn't have smoked that bong before coming to the meadow.

Edward: Bella, we're in the school parking lot, could you please get your hand out of my pants?

Bella: It's still my birthday. Can I ask just one thing? Bend me over the bed of the truck?

Latchkey Wife: Break it up kids... my turn in this threesome.

Edward: Look Bella, you're a stupid bitch and I can't stand being around you.

Bella: [STUTTERS] Wha... wha happened? Why do I smell wet dog? Oh, Jacob, it's you.

Edward: [GROANS] I'm too old for this shit.

I know the subtitle version is supposed to be for the hearing impaired and I think they do a relatively good job of getting the point across. I even like how they show the lyrics to the songs playing. And I busted out laughing when Jacob mutters that line in the kitchen in Quileute and the subtitle just says Jacob speaks Quileute!

If someone was reading the subtitles but not actually seeing the movie, New Moon would appear like a XXX movie with all that gasping, groaning and moaning. And that kids, is a lesson on how, when taken out of context, shit ends up looking and sounding different than it really it is. Because we know New Moon is more PG than it is X. Unfortunately.


  1. " Can I ask just one thing? Bend me over the bed of the truck?"

    LMFAO! Oh LKW, I love it when you takeover the blog!

    I love watching stuff with the subtitles on and I think that'll be doing that next and for sure when I'm watching it with rifftrax.

  2. Now I'm wondering if real porn has subtitles. I have to remember to check that out.

    Love the new subtitles. Has anyone else ever watched the old silent movies that are narrated for the hearing impaired? I would pay good money to hear an old codger say, "Edward struts sexily across the parking lot. The panties of all female co-eds spontaneously combust."

    If it makes you feel any better I haven't even watched my DVD yet. I think I will make that happen Rifftrax style this weekend.

  3. Now I know what I'm doing tomorrow. Thanks LKW! I'm gonna wake up, make some coffee, close the blinds and slip into my own little slice of heaven...NM..w/ subtitles.

    We both have the Target DVD...but I had no clue it was an option. See, @Cullenary Curser, I do miss things...quite often.

    LOVE when you're a dirrrrty little ho & I luv ya all the more for it.

    xoxo J

  4. Do they have movies that are narrated for the visiually impaired. Instead of the dialog they tell you what is happening on screen. I believe Twilight may go something like this.

    Edward walks across the school parking lot looking hotter than hell.
    Bella stares at Edward while seemingly twitching every single one her facial muscels at individual times but also in rapid succession. She does this all while breathing annoyingly loudly through her mouth just after gasping. After this her eyes twitch yet again for good measure making sure she gets the point across that the actress that plays her is a pot head.

    What do you think, too much?

  5. I'm actually impressed with myself ( not sure impressed is the accurate word), but I've watched my NM DVD 5 times so far , twice the first day! Actually I faked sick from work and watched both twilight and new moon with rifftrax yesterday! Shhhhhhh.... Totally made my day....

  6. Hahahaha! Only you would discover subtitles=porn.

    "Jacob speaks Quileute" - too fucking funny.

    I too haven't watched anything but the movie once. I think part of it is that I'm not a big fan of Chris Weitz (I know, I know, sacrilege around these parts, but I have my reasons), and the extras seem chock-full-o Chris. I guess I'll get through it all at some point.

    More exciting is the announcement today that the Remember Me DVD comes out June 22. Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!

    Verification word: vagip. Um, uh, ok.

  7. Is it just me or does anyone else see the stalker/lurker hiding behind a tree in the first pic? Please tell me somebody else sees this shit.

  8. @TK - ok now i NEED to know if porn has subtitles - lol!! whatever would the hearing impaired do without someone translating?! what if the plot?! what if they couldn't follow along?!? gah!

  9. I'm surprised it doesn't say [she eye fucks him as he walks across the lot]. Dood, dooood psh, he can bend me over the back of a truck any day!

  10. @Living with Edward - you're crackin my ass up

    @LKW - I watch EVERYTHING with subtitles if they're an option! I like to be able to see what's going on without having to turn it up super loud, and also love the little things in the background you'd totally miss if you had them off.

    I actually haven't watched it all the way through since I got the DVD (we have a cheap theater that it went into as soon as it went out of the main theaters and I watched it four times at under two bucks a pop)

    I've got the rifftrax and will watch with subbies as soon as I get two hours in the evening away from the hubs (like you he's always around, just when I want to do soemthign twi related though, and he hates it)

  11. Oh, LKW, ILYSFM. True story. *cuddlefarts*

  12. I watched in on an outdoor screen at the New Moon viewing party and there were freaking kids there... Yes, it was uncomfortable to say the least.

    The funny part was we really all leaned into see what Jacob says to Bella in quileute. In subtitles, it says; speaks in Quileute.

    WTF!!!! You translate the entire movie, but you can’t fucking tell me what that fucking dildo said to Bella. At this point, I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m done with Jacob, he’s an asshole for not telling anyone.

  13. anonymous. yes, that's hypoallergenic vagina stalking behind that tree. and she got poison ivy from rubbing her hootch all up on it watching edward...

    vw: masho.

    HV is a masho for EC.

  14. Lemme guess, your husband doesn't read your blog? Mine doesn't either. It's just as well because I talk shit about mine too. Just this week I blogged about how he loves Justin Bieber! It's true, he does. But if he knew, he'd die. But he'd kill me first!

  15. that's it....I'm watching with sub-titles this weekend.
    and I'm glad you said it because I REALLY thought I was going deaf too. I had a really hard time hearing ANYTHING anyone said.damnit.

  16. LKW Closed-captioning = Win! Hell, every woman (at least in this group) eyefucks Edward whenever they watch that parking lot strut. That's hilar about the [moan]ing and [gasps]ing in the subtitles. That way KStew can be annoying whether you can hear her or not. At least she isn't as bad in NM as she was in Twilight!

  17. Bella: It's still my birthday. Can I ask just one thing? Bend me over the bed of the truck?

    Oh. My. God. That is all I am going to hear when it plays now...and it is soooo much better than "kiss me"..LMAO!!!!!!!!

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  19. Okay, two things:

    1. Bella: It's still my birthday. Can I ask just one thing? Bend me over the bed of the truck?


    2. Edwards: [GROANS] I'm too old of this shit.

    Fucking hilarious! Had me about to pop a damn vein trying to hold in my laughter so as not to wake the hubs. "I'm too old for this shit." is the line I use constantly! Love it!!!! And I so wish Edward would just hurry up and bang her boney ass. Then maybe she wouldn't be so damn mumbly and eye twitchy!

  20. Thanks to the "that's what she said" fad, all of life seems like an X rated movie when it really isn't. Sadly. Would be something if it were, but it ain't.

    I love the lurker behind the tree! And the whole concept of narrating actions for the visually impaired. Who decides what's important to convey in that situation? "While confronting the Volturi, Edward's pants hang below the hips, showing the "v" that is meaningless to you blind people, but which will become a point of obsession for sighted women around the world..."

    And I do mean women. Bite me, teenage girls.

    Finally, I'd like to say, that whenever Neverthink and HypoVag have an opportunity to work this all out in, say, a mudwrestling (or roller derby?) contest, I want to be there. Not in a gay way. Well, hell, what do I whatever way possible.

  21. When Bella asks for her birthday kiss and Edward practically jizzes in his pants the subtitle should say
    "Edward releases the Kraken"

  22. Oh, LKW, you make me grateful for all the Kegels I do. If I didn't take them seriously, I would have pissed my pants at your captions.

    I JUST watched it for the first time today. You thought you were a bad addict... Not only that, I didn't even really watch it. I decided to watch w the commentary. Mostly it was a really watery MST3K, and they pretty much ruined every scene I wanted to concentrate on. But I did learn a ton about the movie-making process and crazy details I never would have picked up, so I guess it was win. CW even said Edward's smirk during the slo-mo walk from Volvo to Bella in the parking lot was 100% intentional. I'll have to check out the CC next time.

    A Deaf friend of mine watched it and said the captions were hilarious, but she expected it. She loved the gaspy panting moaning, but was piiiissssed at the 'Jacob speaks Quileute' bit. She said it was bad enough turning her hearing aids up to try and pick it up, they couldn't even get it for the Deaf community, either. What a drag.

  23. I'm a subtitles girl too! It's invaluable for watching British accents but I even watch them with American movies too.

    I noticed the [MOANS] [PANTS] cues too and it is funny.

    Look at it this way, if they do the same subtitles for Breaking Dawn we'll be a little closer to getting our porntastic wedding night:

    Screen fades to black...

  24. Hilarious! Love this one. You should try it with other scenes, maybe from Twilight.

  25. So I finally broke down and downloaded New Moon on iTunes so I can have it always with me on my iPod and I may or may not have almost met a Pepsi truck head on this morning trying to eye fuck Edward myself as he struts across the lot. I should know by now, it's not safe for to watch this stuff while driving!

  26. @ hypovag - now. now, gurlfriend. you and i both know that if you could have, it WOULD have been u behind that tree. and we both also know your pants would hav been down onthe ground. and i'm pretty sure somehow there would have been a spoon involved.

    i'm just sayin.

    @italhurts - hmmm...throwdown w/the vag. sounds like fun. mud wrastlin' might be errm interesting, followed by a patron shot-show-down.

    @every body tells me that the dog says "Que Quowle".

    trans:"Stay with me forever".

  27. @TexasKatherine - I'm going to go home tonight and see if any of the porn I may or may not have comes with subtitles. I'll keep you posted.

    I'm guessing it probably doesn't because most people don't watch porn for the dialogue, ya know?

    That last picture of Edward and your caption slayed me, LKW.

    @Anonymous - holy crap I never noticed the random lurker behind the tree but that is fucking funny!!

    @hypo vag and Neverthink - you two are always up to no good, aren't ya? ;)

  28. Just so you all know...Lots and lots of porn comes with Closed Captioning. I might know this because I used to live in a small 2 br apt with a thin wall separating the rooms, and my bf was 1000 miles away and my dvds were as lonely as I was.

    And I might have put a few dvds in this morning to make sure I was going to be telling the truth. Maybe.

    Let me assure you:
    If you're looking for some...relief?
    Otherwise it's just constant unintentional Rifftrax.

    However, if you have a couple close friends and a Girl's Night, it comes in handy after a shit ton of good (scratch that, boxed) wine. Utter hilarity.

  29. LKW your captions are fantastic. Maybe you should write the captions for the New Moon graphic novel.

    @mmMoxie - LMFAO at this: "When Bella asks for her birthday kiss and Edward practically jizzes in his pants the subtitle should say
    'Edward releases the Kraken'"

  30. @ mmMoxie "Edward releases the Kraken" PMSL.. I spit

    @neverthink- thanks for the translation…my tea out on my keyboard.. thanks much!!!

    @LKW- seriously.. hilarious. Thank you.

  31. loooool

    wow. this post is made of hilarious.

    so, uh, also? bella vs. bree (bella takes down S.Meyer) on my blog today.

    press release. and stuff.


  32. @Lindsay Rae-- I only watch porn on mute. It's so much better to make up my own storyline. Not to mention, how many times can you listen to the same bad music?

  33. @HV - i supplicate & offer this to you as a peace offering.

    yes, i know it will indeed get you erm ahh worked up yeah, but in a very very baaaad way. if you kno wot i mean.

    laters, baby. ;-)
    vw: scerv

    i live to scerv The Precious.
    and sometimes HypoVag.
    when she's good.
    and i'm bored.

  34. This cracks me up: "Edward: Look Bella, you're a stupid bitch and I can't stand being around you." Hilarious, although I also like the idea of being bent over the back of the truck... but it could be his idea so she could again say, "Edward, I have neighbors."

    Hilarious post, LKW! I'll have to watch with the cc on.

  35. @TK - Awww... Always on mute? Sometimes you just gotta dance!! My friend from college now composes music for porn, his motivation was all the shit-tastic music out there. So I secretly hope I come across something he's done when I pick up a new flick (not a vocabularic coincidence. Flick, flick, flick...Uuuuuungh!!!).

    You're right on making up your own storyline, though.

  36. I still can't get my little hands on the new mooon dvd!!!! *sobs*
    it's too expensive dammit!!!

  37. I remember turning to Dangrmomma at the end of the movie in the theater and saying "I can't wait for the DVD so I can watch it with closed captioning." I missed so much with the quiet voices. So that is exactly how I watched it when I finally got my DVD and there were something things I definitely missed. I liked your captioning better though LOL

  38. This are the pictures from the movie Twilight-New Moon and I loved to watch this movie, it was really nice, and the wolves were came into notice.
    fit flop


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