Monday, April 19, 2010

That Was The First Night I Dreamed of JJ and STY.

Many of you know me from my filthy mouth over at Ramblings of a Latchkey Wife. I started my blog experiment on May 19, 2009 after being inspired by a couple of dirty minded whores at Twitarded. That’s right, those two twat waffles are responsible for my obsession with blogging. Bitches. Well... and maybe a certain lanky Brit may have had something to do with it too... but I still blame them.

I surely had nothing to do with your blogging "problem" - I'm just an innocent bystander!
Oh God, please don't put that kind of guilt on my head!

I don’t remember the exact date I discovered Twitarded (or was introduced to it because I’m definitely not smart enough to find this shit on my own), but that day changed my life. I was desperate to find others like me. Others who had this ridiculous obsession with teenage vampire novels. Others with an unhealthy infatuation with Robert Pattinson. I had found my people. And I think in the days after my discovery, I read every single one of their posts and howled like a hyena on crack!

You had me at "love custard."

I remember meekly emailing Snarkier Than You to tell her about my blog after I had taken the plunge and started writing myself… hoping that she and Jenny Jerkface would be kind enough to read my ramblings and think I was funny. I think I’m funny. Sometimes. I figured she would recognize me from my comments on Twitarded. Back in the day, I was pretty wordy and maybe a little bit dirty too. I guess they liked it because they both came to visit, left a comment or two, and even added me to their blogroll. Holy shit… a big giant squeeeee and a little bit of fangirl jumping around.


I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since this all went down and we’ve become friends. I’ve become friends with so many of the folks I’ve met in Twibloggyland and it warms the cockles of my heart. Um, what the fuck are cockles anyways? Sounds downright dirty. I think I like cockles. Even though I haven’t met most of you in person, I communicate with you guys more than I do my real life friends and I’m looking forward to the Forks trip with a stupid enthusiasm that only you can relate to. I just can’t wait to meet you all in person!

I'm just going to hang out here until all those crazy whores leave this town!

So imagine the utter shock and sheer giddiness I experienced when one fateful night on Skype, when Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You asked me if I would like to write for Twitarded. I think I just sat there dumbfounded with a stupid idiotic grin on my face. Did I want to write for Twitarded? Are you fucking kidding me? Is a frog’s ass watertight? Are the Kennedys gun shy? This was a Twibloggy blogger’s dream come true. This was like playing in the minor leagues for years and finally getting called up to ‘the show’. I just got my call up to ‘the show!’

Congratulations Latchkey Wife on your promotion! Let's go out and celebrate... or stay in and celebrate if you prefer.

I hate to be the mushy type, but I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank JJ and STY for giving me the chance to make their readers laugh. I hope I can live up to the task. And it doesn’t look like there’s been a mass exodus of followers since I’ve joined the team, so I don't think they’ll kick me to the curb anytime soon. And if you missed my “good-bye for now” post at Ramblings of a Latchkey Wife… you can find it here.

53 comments:

  1. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! You rock my world LKW, like JJ and STY! What's better than two twat waffles??? THREE twat waffles and a whole lot of love custard!

    I just emailed a link to Twitarded to a coworker of mine... I feel like a drug pusher finding a new addict. We just happened to innocently find out today that we are both Twilight fans... oh little did she know how much of one I am. I've now just corrupted her with Twitarded... heh heh. I'm so happy! This is a GREAT first blog post for her... easing her in slowly. heh heh. (oh boy...she's going to think I'm a nutty dirty whore! ...oops).

    Lots of mushy love to you FABulous ladies!!!

    xo

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  3. I'm having a glass of vino for ya. Well, I'd probably be drinking it anyways...but hey.

    Keep up the dirty shit. Love it and love you. PS w/v "airear" LMAO!

    xo J

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  4. Oh, LKW, I have a plethora of death threats on the tip of my tongue but... well, I figured I'd be nice.

    For once.

    Welcome aboard, you gangrenous vagina!!

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  5. *passes booze*

    Congrats! You have indeed made it to the big leagues ;)

    Looking forward reading more of your fuckery.

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  6. @LKW - You deserve all the kudos you get. (I think kudos are similar to cockles). I love your blog and I love Twitarded. It's like someone got their peanut butter in my chocolate.

    Congrats on a year well done :)

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  7. @LKW.

    as principe della mafia would say "complimenti hai tallonatore sporco pirata"

    or as officeward would say "félicitations vous talonneur pirate sale"

    ah fuckit. as aunt hilda would say... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2psT3jl1vKw

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  8. Awww...Congrats LKW! I'm excited for all the shenanigans that are sure to ensue ;) Love all you ladies!

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  9. Love it! Love You! Congrats! You definitely belong!

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  10. @neverthink - Aunt Hilda says it perfectly!

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  11. @JennyJerkface - Thanks for pulling out all the stops with that insult. You make me feel so special. Fucking schmeg breath.

    @neverthink - I totally wish I knew what all that shit meant.

    You guys rock my demented little world. For without you... I would've been locked away in a tiny padded cell by my family. Mwah! Mwah!

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  12. @LKW. let me introduce you to my leetle friend... http://translation2.paralink.com/translation.asp

    ah shit alright...here it is, quick & dirty: Congratulations you dirty pirate hooker.

    there! fucking happy now? :b

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  13. @LKW-
    I love your cockles!
    And I'm so happy for you. Your posts ARE funny!!!
    Can't wait to meet you in FORRRKKKSSS!

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  14. I just remember reading one of LKW's earlier posts about kidnapping RPatts (there may or may not have been firearms, duct tape, and Depends in this scenario) and saying "now THAT'S my kinda gal!" {{{swoon}}}

    : )

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  15. P.S. Can anyone tell me why it was necessary for the cartoon hyena to have an anus? Anyone?

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  16. @LKW Yes, I look forward to meeting you in Forks. I'm packing a packet of special pads especially for you. And ditto, you are funny, so funny, I dribble everytime I read your posts.

    And would you believe it, I'm rooming with @cupcakedonna whom I have never met. If she turns out to be as crazy as she looks, i'll be pitching my tent in the car park. I don't do crazies and us gals at twitarded are definitely ladies ; 0 (well everyone except @texaskatherine )

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  17. @sty. only YOU would fucking honein on that! LMFAOROLFAISPI

    ps. must be a disney hyena. they're fucking perfectionists.

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  18. @cazza is a crazy h00r.
    better practice pitching that tent Braveheart!
    xoxo

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  19. congrats LW! thanks for making me feel semi-normal about my robsession.

    i'm off to chillax now that rob and i are done doing our board meeting body shots. wonder if tonight is the night he'll show me his cockles.

    sweet dreams.

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  20. I'm just back now from a quick trip to the top to see the hyena's starfish. Thanks STY.

    @LKW - I always snort out loud at your posts, and look forward to many more.

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  21. HAHAHAHAHHA Oh god, my roommate just actually looked in to see if I was choking, but I was just pissing myself laughing over this post. Is a frog's ass watertight? Is that an expression that I somehow missed?

    LKW, SO loving your being a part of this blog! I have been a longtime lurker and a recent frequent commenter, and I plan to be seeing much more of all you h00ers!

    Also, @Z Any Mouse, I totally just scrolled up as well :-D

    HOORAY I LOVE TWITARDED

    Also, ps, it's my new obsession to create a hilarious WV that can stand with the excellent ones I've seen here. I'm working on it.

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  22. LKW! I hope you know by now (I've been working really hard to become a "regular" here, on your site, and other fuckawesome Twi-inspired blogs) that I fucking love you. Your humor is SO on point with mine, and I envy your mad skills. I look forward to seeing your posts, since I just bought a fresh pack of Depends.

    Here's the sitch...I know if I send a CONGRATS, FUCKER!! card to the Twitarded headquarters, you prolly won't get it...Or will you? I just want to know where to send you shit. Cuz the girls are itching for some presents, and what better time than an expansion?!

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  23. Fair point, well made, Miss STY.

    But(t) it's simply because anuses (ani?) are funny.

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  24. My comment went missing dammit! Oh well and it was gooooood. Hey @LKW maybe you can share sometime the first dream I had with you in it....heh-heh.

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  25. Congrats LKW... you are living the dream! I look forward to reading your Hilarious and dirty posts!

    Oh and STY... I about pissed myself before i read the comments when i saw that pic... i too am wondering about the hyena's anus!

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  26. It makes us wonder what other favours you've had to do for those two go get that gig??
    Just kidding. Congratulations LKW! Twitarded is lucky to have you say yes :)

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  27. Congrats LKW! I'm new to twitarded but after reading all the comments and recent posts and even your (former) blog I can't wait too see what new trouble awaits hahaha you crazy bitches are the fucking best!

    LOL @ twat waffles and sparkle peen

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  28. Welcome Latchkey Wife!! I don't what I would do with out Twitarded to look forward to. It is like free therapy. Not that I need therapy. I don't think, probably.

    @STY , quit looking at the anus
    verfi word- anint-
    There anint an anus, it is just your imagination, whore

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  29. woo hoo! welcome to the party! I'm a silent guest for the most part but I can assure you I'm THINKING the dirty thoughts! :) I look forward to your ramblings here at Twitarded!

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  30. @SparkleMindy - that is SO a brown-star on the hyena! at least they didn't make it TOTALLY anatomically correct. but still entirely unnecessary imho. I mean why stop there - how about some nipples and a vag or a peen? no? too far? lol...

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  31. @VitaminR - I HATE when that happen!

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  32. Congrats LKW!
    I'm still waiting for the updated header on Twitarded. I wouldn't count it official until you have your own cartoony stick figure image with a crazy eye. Just sayin'...

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  33. LKW, Congrats! You are one funny bi-otch, and I'm psyched you're on the Tard-kart with the other tards, cause you belong here with all of us! Lets be tards together.....ok, that sounds really retarded. ;)

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  34. Oh let the madness ensue! Muahahahahahaha (evil laugh!)

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  35. @STY
    Disney animators are notoriously perverted. Have you ever seen all the hidden images they put out there.

    http://tinyurl.com/ox4euz

    My favorite is the cover-art for the Little Mermaid with the big golden peen on the castle. It's a true pic. I have the original VHS with it on the box. It's awesome!

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  36. Congrats! Looking forward to snorting more coffee out my nose and on my monitors over your posts!

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  37. LKW, so glad you've made the journey w/ the bridge & tunnel crowd :-) it will be a delight to round out the shenanigans here.

    @STY, you made me go back & look for a hyena anus. jeebus woman!

    @neverthink- el principe says "lei è così buffo" i agree hilarious!

    @jax: i know you're lurking- i blame my obsession with twitarded all on you. i was so blissfully unaware that h00rs like this existed in twitardia.

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  38. You outed me Jayla! Yeah I'm here... I love me some Twitarded. JJ and STY are some awesome bloggers who make my Edward obsession a little less "dirty" hehehe (is that even possible?)

    LKW: You ROCK girl!

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  39. You are welcome with open arms (and hopefully open legs by RPattz)!!! You are hilarious and an awesome addition to Team Twitarded!!!!!!

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  40. I cannot believe I just discovered this blog! It is incredible! As a 20-something English teacher, I am a closet Twi-hard and Robsessed member of the community. I have spent the entire weekend and today, catching up on the archives! Keep the good stuff coming!

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  41. Been celebrating your arrival *hiccup* and I must admit that you fit into the Twitarded royalty like a sparkle peen that's found its blow-up Bella!

    We all bow down to your sick-ass hilarity and wit. You add a spice to Twitarded that we didn't even know we needed. But now that we have it, you are NEVER taking it away!

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  42. Hmm, I'm not sure what cockles are either now that I think of it... but if we girls had cockles I'd rather have them in my heart then in my pants. That shit must be uncomfortable! You know, choosing what side you shift to and whatnot.

    Anyhoo, enough cockle talk. I understand 100% about finding a community with the same Robward obsession. I found Twitarded through Twicrackaddict; almost broke my bladder from laughing so fucking hard, too. Bitches. Seriously, I can not help the unnatural things RPatz makes me think. It creeps me out sometimes; then of course I switch on Twitarded and somehow I feel a little bit better about myself. LOL! I am truly not alone as long as you bitches keep blogging the fucktastic blasphemy that floats around in your sex saturated minds.

    Glad your here LKW. I read your original blog anyway. This just makes the insanity ten times better. The holy trinity of smut has come full circle.

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  43. Why do I not know of these wonderful sites?!! Heading to Twicrackaddict now....I'll be back in a few days once I'm caught up!!!

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  44. @LKW--I can't believe those 2 h00rs let you near their blog. Must be one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-serial-killers-closer kind of things.

    @Cazza--Flattery will get you nowhere.

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  45. Welcome LKW! I love the way Twitards flock together to mutually adore our hobo-rrific, age-inappropriate, wonky-legged Brit. XOXO!!

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  46. More the merrier in Twitardedland! Love your raunchy rants about HIM! You're a great addition to the crew!

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  47. @Vicki Voluptuouss - you have a lot of catching up to do but we're glad you found us - welcome!

    Like @Kerri Said, (and LKW too!), there's nothing like finding "your" people - and i think there are enough of us now that we all feel slightly less strange about our obsessions! if anything, we all embrace the obsession that much more now - lol!

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  48. LKW - I took a few mins exploring your blog last night and you're a funnyass bitch guuuurl! I can't wait for your blogs on Twitarded. I think I might like you the best already! Shhh, don't tell JJ and STY. . .

    Maybe I should start sending my blogs to you for your approval and a future addition to your blogroll! HA! You've given us all hope that dreams come true. Thanks batch!

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  49. i've loved reading your stuff, LKW!

    .... i mean, i feel truly at home with someone else who uses the word schmeg. :)

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  50. Sarah (TxTwilightMom)April 21, 2010 at 12:36 AM

    Hell YEAH!!! and have fun. Can't wait to read some more, love you guys!

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  51. LKW - I took a few mins exploring your blog last night and you're a funnyass bitch guuuurl! I can't wait for your blogs on Twitarded. I think I might like you the best already! Shhh, don't tell JJ and STY. . .

    Maybe I should start sending my blogs to you for your approval and a future addition to your blogroll! HA! You've given us all hope that dreams come true. Thanks batch!

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  52. You are welcome with open arms (and hopefully open legs by RPattz)!!! You are hilarious and an awesome addition to Team Twitarded!!!!!!

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