Warning #2 - Possible NSFW photos ahead! Just scroll through the pics quickly and you should be allllll good... or not.
So, it's Sunday and I'm just sitting here, trying to make a list of shit I need to accomplish and listening to ML's band practice in the basement. I have to admit it - I love when they come over just for the sheer fact that one of them always gets freaked out by the FSEs I have lurking around the house.
I want an ahhh-meee of these things, dude. Seriously.
Fuck it, I want ALL the characters, if only because I know it would irk the shit out of ML. What? I'm an asshole through and through.
Plus, having them around definitely ups the "what-the-fuck?!" factor for everyone who walks through the door. Meter readers, delivery dudes, grandparents, whoever. And since ML won't let me have a glass container full of doll heads as the centerpiece of our dining room, I've got to do something, ya know?
Anyway, so I added "order shit-ton of Full Sizes" to my growing to-do list (the fact that I can't afford this is a moot point), but that's about as far as I've gotten because, at the end of the day, I'm a major fucking procrastinator.
Instead of doing laundry, or cleaning the dishes that are piling up in the sink, I decided the appropriate thing to do would be to take the new toy I bought at the "adult bookstore" yesterday for a test run and I have to ask: have these stores ever sold books? Or has it always been an odd euphemism for "the place where they sell porn and dildos"?
Fuck being a procrastinator. I'm a procrasturbater.
You see, Snarkier Than You and I ran some errands together yesterday and decided, on a whim, to drop in on the local "adult store." You know the one-- where the creepy dudes are usually lurking and ogling the young college girls who are giggling over the wall of dongs.
I love that place.
The first time I ever went there I was all by myself and was studying some terrifying looking vibrator that I was sure would actually devour my clitoris if I used it (and not in a good way) when some female employee sidled up and asked me if I wanted a demonstration.
And I shit you not -I kinda totally freaked out inside because I thought she was offering to give me a literal demonstration and I just stood there with a horrified look on my face as I tried to figure out if she was going to demonstrate that monstrosity on herself or me and wondered how fast she could run if I decided to make a break for the front door.
Jeebus fucking crispies what the FUCK is this thing?! I would never let this anywhere near my vagina...
I finally managed to stammer out a very emphatic NO! and she gave me a funny look before moving on to the next customer. I heard her ask the same question and the woman said yes and the employee turned the vibrator on and started explaining all the pros and cons of that particular fuck-machine.
I'm so fucking stupid.
Anyhoo, now I'm an old
I grabbed some bumpy, purple looking vibrator and STY purchased a very MotU-inspired... "appliance" and then we headed over to the display of cremes and lubes, where we both immediately went into "Twitarded" mode. Oh who am I kidding? Twitarded is the only mode we're ever in.
STY grabbed one lubricant because it said it's glow-in-the-dark tube would "make your sex like sparkle," so naturally she had to have it because let's face it: sparkly is synonymous with Edward and Twilight and anything that reminds us of that we have to have.
Case in point -- I set my sights on another lube simply called "Ice". I'm confident I don't need to explain why I had to purchase this, right?
Since "filters" and the phrase "too much information" don't exist here in Twitardia, I'm going to go ahead and let y'all know that I'm pretty damn happy with my purchases, except that the purple bumpy thing--despite it's diminutive size--was really loud and sounded like I had a fucking lawnmower between my legs and I'm pretty sure my neighbors heard it. But it got the job done, so no complaints there.
Oh - one more thing. When we paid for our purchases we were informed that Tuesday night is "ladies night" and all the toys are 20% off and they have giveaways and shit so if there is no blog post on Tuesday you'll know why. I guess we'll have to bribe Latchkey Wife into covering for us that night. [note from LKW: Wha? You bitches think I'm picking up your slack on Tuesdays just so you can fondle a wall of dongs? Pffft.]