Sunday, May 16, 2010

Lazy Sunday Post That May or May Not Include The Topic... Sex Toys

Warning - To any family members or other people I know in RL -- don't read this one, kay? It would just make the next time we see each other potentially awkward. And I promise you if you read this and then bring it up in conversation, I'm going to say something to embarrass the ever loving shit out of you. Because unlike you, I have no shame.

Warning #2 - Possible NSFW photos ahead! Just scroll through the pics quickly and you should be allllll good... or not.
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So, it's Sunday and I'm just sitting here, trying to make a list of shit I need to accomplish and listening to ML's band practice in the basement. I have to admit it - I love when they come over just for the sheer fact that one of them always gets freaked out by the FSEs I have lurking around the house.

This is what people see when they walk through my front door...

Nothing is more relaxing than having dinner with a FSE glowering at you from the corner...

I want an ahhh-meee of these things, dude. Seriously.

Fuck it, I want ALL the characters, if only because I know it would irk the shit out of ML. What? I'm an asshole through and through.

Plus, having them around definitely ups the "what-the-fuck?!" factor for everyone who walks through the door. Meter readers, delivery dudes, grandparents, whoever. And since ML won't let me have a glass container full of doll heads as the centerpiece of our dining room, I've got to do something, ya know?

What? Who wouldn't want this as a centerpiece?

Anyway, so I added "order shit-ton of Full Sizes" to my growing to-do list (the fact that I can't afford this is a moot point), but that's about as far as I've gotten because, at the end of the day, I'm a major fucking procrastinator.

Instead of doing laundry, or cleaning the dishes that are piling up in the sink, I decided the appropriate thing to do would be to take the new toy I bought at the "adult bookstore" yesterday for a test run and I have to ask: have these stores ever sold books? Or has it always been an odd euphemism for "the place where they sell porn and dildos"?

Fuck being a procrastinator. I'm a procrasturbater.

You see, Snarkier Than You and I ran some errands together yesterday and decided, on a whim, to drop in on the local "adult store." You know the one-- where the creepy dudes are usually lurking and ogling the young college girls who are giggling over the wall of dongs.

I love that place.


The first time I ever went there I was all by myself and was studying some terrifying looking vibrator that I was sure would actually devour my clitoris if I used it (and not in a good way) when some female employee sidled up and asked me if I wanted a demonstration.

And I shit you not -I kinda totally freaked out inside because I thought she was offering to give me a literal demonstration and I just stood there with a horrified look on my face as I tried to figure out if she was going to demonstrate that monstrosity on herself or me and wondered how fast she could run if I decided to make a break for the front door.

Jeebus fucking crispies what the FUCK is this thing?! I would never let this anywhere near my vagina...

I finally managed to stammer out a very emphatic NO! and she gave me a funny look before moving on to the next customer. I heard her ask the same question and the woman said yes and the employee turned the vibrator on and started explaining all the pros and cons of that particular fuck-machine.

I'm so fucking stupid.

Anyhoo, now I'm an old whore pro at the dirty store thingy. Admittedly, I still get a little giggly when I see giant dongs everywhere and I feel compelled to crack jokes about the display of gimp masks because I'm actually an immature twelve year old boy in a thirty-two year old woman's body.

I grabbed some bumpy, purple looking vibrator and STY purchased a very MotU-inspired... "appliance" and then we headed over to the display of cremes and lubes, where we both immediately went into "Twitarded" mode. Oh who am I kidding? Twitarded is the only mode we're ever in.

STY grabbed one lubricant because it said it's glow-in-the-dark tube would "make your sex like sparkle," so naturally she had to have it because let's face it: sparkly is synonymous with Edward and Twilight and anything that reminds us of that we have to have.

Case in point -- I set my sights on another lube simply called "Ice". I'm confident I don't need to explain why I had to purchase this, right?

Ice Lube: turn your lovers prick into an icy cold vampire dick...

Since "filters" and the phrase "too much information" don't exist here in Twitardia, I'm going to go ahead and let y'all know that I'm pretty damn happy with my purchases, except that the purple bumpy thing--despite it's diminutive size--was really loud and sounded like I had a fucking lawnmower between my legs and I'm pretty sure my neighbors heard it. But it got the job done, so no complaints there.

Oh - one more thing. When we paid for our purchases we were informed that Tuesday night is "ladies night" and all the toys are 20% off and they have giveaways and shit so if there is no blog post on Tuesday you'll know why. I guess we'll have to bribe Latchkey Wife into covering for us that night. [note from LKW: Wha? You bitches think I'm picking up your slack on Tuesdays just so you can fondle a wall of dongs? Pffft.]

64 comments:

  1. JJ-
    I love you.
    That is all.

    SparkleMindy,
    who can't fucking sign in for unknown reasons.

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  2. Awesome...I miss my purple friend...dumped him in the garbage when the S/O & I moved in together...What the FUCK was I thinking?!

    xo J

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  3. A year ago I doubt I would have read all the way through a post like this. Now I am looking up directions to the nearest, um, "bookstore" LOL!!

    Thank you for always being so open and telling us like it is all the time.

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  4. Thanks lol I read this through burning eyes (gotta love allergies and contacts)I was on my way to go take them out when I clicked on the newest entry and I'm soo glad, it was worth it. I am soo like you in the porn stores. I see the big gigantic dildos and go OMFG what are women thinking putting those up their holes, I wouldn't be able to walk for a year lol Then you have all the nipple clips (my nipples invert when they see those and cringe). I'm in Tampa and we have more strip clubs than anywhere else in the US (yes even more than Las Vegas) so it's safe to say we probably have more "Adult Bookstores" than most places too. We're just a bunch of horny ass people here what can I say lol. Speaking of "adult bookstores" I need to get my butt to one. Need some new toys :D

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  5. I fucking love our sex toys. I love fucking our sex toys. Our extra-curricular drawer (which is what we refer to it as) is not a great chest-of-drawers as I imagine Fifty or Domward have in their playrooms, but we've got some crazy variety.

    I've had some of the best shopping experiences of my life in adult shops. *Case in point: The Mike Gimp Mask incident* I thank my Mommypants for bringing me to my first Lion's Den whenI turned 18 *fistbump to Mommypants* Speaking of that website.....and toys that are ridickulous, WTMF is this?! I love asking for demonstrations. I swear, the best customer service I've ever had is in a sex store. They love that you love sex. RIGHT ON!

    I love procrasturbating. I think that was the start of my becoming a procrastinator, when I found out a couple flicks and I was in heaven. "Oh, we have no clean clothes left...Where's Mr. Pink?"


    P.S. JJ, I got you this for Easter, but forgot to send it out. Maybe for Christmas, when it's a little more applicable.

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  6. WTF is that green thing!?!?!?! OMG it'd be like fucking a cactus!!! *insert joke about succulent plants here*

    First time I visited an adult "bookstore" the guy at the counter as I was paying says to me "...and there's no refunds or exchanges" No fucking shit sherlock?!? I thought that was pretty damn obvious. Although I think if he hadn't said that I might have ran.

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  7. God you are so lucky that you are allowed to display the FSE's. I only have the 1st one and the poor thing has been punched so many times by DH and sons that he is covered in duct tape in the back.

    He's also been banished to the basement closet. I really hate the males in my house.

    @Cullenary That green thing does look like a cactus.
    Which then reminds me of Bella's cactus that she dragged from Pheonix to Forks. Maybe she was really holding a vibrator. And has since traded it in for the Vamp."

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  8. For some reason I'm scared to buy that shit in an adult store! It took me about ten mins to actually muster the courage to go in and by the basic vibe they had at the check out! Tmi maybe but, eh, fuck it. Boyfriend is going out of town this wk and I'm debating buying a new toy...

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  9. Oh yeah, now I totally want a dollhead centerpiece. That'll show my family not to rule down the FSE display.

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  10. OK, first? JJ, I cracked the fuck up and scared my neighbors when I saw the pictures of FSE chillin' in your house. I mean, I always knew that you had them, but seeing him in his natural habitat was so so excellent. Beautiful table btw!

    Second, I have three best girlfriends from high school who I'm still really close with. On our 18th birthdays it was a rite of passage to visit The Birds and the Bees, the single sex shop in our town. It sucked because you couldn't make a discreet visit - everyone driving by would recognize your car out front!

    Third, my very favorite vibrator is one I got in Paris at the Sexodrome, the infamous and gigantic sex store in Pigalle, right by the Moulin Rouge. My buddy and I decided we couldn't go the rest of the six months we were supposed to be there without some help. Also? visited the Erotica Museum while we were there. It was hilarious until we met the guy on the top floor in a gimp mask. Then we were a little freaked. He seemed friendly enough though.

    FINALLY, I was saying to my darling Toefunny earlier today - my very best friend knows that it is her job, if I ever die an untimely death, to get to my house before my mother does and clean out the top drawer of the nightstand which houses, among other things, my lovely purple friend, the lube, and the furry handcuffs. EVERYONE needs a friend like this.

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  11. alas, i am toyless. mr. FLH thinks that if i'm putting anything in there, it should be attached to his body. however, he bought me an edward barbie for mothers day (i love it! real hair and sparkly!) and asked jokingly if i was going to rub his little nub on my clit. maybe not such a bad idea!
    vw: colityro- the condition you develop after using the cactus vibrator. ouch!

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  12. @dangrdafne - those "bookstores" are always tons of fun. Half the time I'm wondering what that shit is and there is always a 10% "ick" factor but it's well worth it. Plus, there is something respectful about a woman going there -- it just means you know what you want. Or are willing to figure it out. Ya know?

    @at all - I totally keep the FSEs everywhere. I try to move them from time to time to shake shit up and I know ML is going on tour with the band and I think it would be killer if I managed stick one in every room because I'm an asshole and as much as he hates them he's pretty much okay with not killing them (though Twilight Edward has some battle wounds).

    @Cullenary Curser and @Cupcake Donna - I actually think the name of that thing is The Cactus...

    @LindsayRae - Jeebus I want that thing. For real. ML grew up Catholic so I'm pretty sure that would thing would force him into confession but I grew up heathen so... yeah, I want it.

    @Laphipps - do it!! It's fun and weird and kinda creepy but really exhilarating because you KNOW you're not the biggest creepster there. I'll totes hold your virtual hand if you need me to.

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  13. @Fooorkspimp - I love that fucking table, jftr. It was the first super duper "growed up" thing we bought when we moved in to the house and it weighs a million pounds. ML and I almost killed each other trying to decide about that table but it was worth it.

    As is the FSE watching over it...

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  14. JJ- you're my favorite. you get an extra present at christmas.

    um, i don't know how to put this, so i'm just going to come out and say it...that's kind of what my vibrator looks like!?!?! the large part even swirls around!!

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  15. JJ, I love that you have FSE's all over your house! I would LOVE to see the looks on people's faces when they catch a glimpse of one!! We must do something about getting you your aaah meee of Edwards!

    That cactus vibrator is the scariest thing I have ever seen. My va-jay-jay just shrieked and said no thank you. It is reminiscent of the rabbit which is awesome however!

    http://skinnymoose.com/health/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/0505.jpg

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  17. Thank god I'm not the only one slightly horrified by the cactus vibe. Ahh forays to the porn shop... I once told an ex about a dildo I saw at a shop once called the great american challenge that thing is huge I mean like bigger than a just born infant huge. He thought I was nuts I had to drag his ass to the nearest fun store and prove it. He laughed his ass off when he realized I wasn't just giving him a load of shit. Fun times lol

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  18. @Layna.lane- fuckity fuck fuck that mutha is HUGE!!! You'd have to have a 2 car garage door to fit that thing in!

    http://www.pleasuremenow.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=3135

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  19. @HV - Holy FUCK! If I could get my hands on an FSAngryE, I'd hook up a mini speaker to the back with the clip on repeat and never leave the house. My tinglies are tingling just thinking about it.

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  21. @HV-
    Laughing my ass off about the Ben Gay story!!!

    SparkleMindy

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  22. I wish I could have seen your face when the sales lady wanted to "demonstrate". LMAO! Holy shit that's priceless. You seem to have a gift for the awkward, JJ.

    Back in the *coughing* 80's *coughing* I noticed my mom had a funny rubber bunny in her top drawer. I used to take it out and play with it. What? Barbie needed a pet, alright. And one day it began to buzz, thus freaking me out. I thought I broke my mothers pink bunny rabbit. I shoved it into her top drawer, still buzzing, wondering how my mom would punish me for gtting into her stuff when I knew not to. Amazingly enough she never approached me about it. Now that Im all grown up I wonder if she ever found out. LOL! I can totally see us having that conversation. My mom rocks like that.

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  23. @Lindsay Rae - ROFLMAO! Jesus butt plug? Holy shit that is too brilliant, but also yucky at the same time. I'm sorry, but I can't stop laughing, JFC.

    After reading MOTU, I so wanted to get those balls (btw, if that's what STY got, I want a full post on whether it actually works). I even went into a "bookstore" and saw a pair of silicone pink ben wa balls, but after doing some research, I've come to a very disappointing conclusion that it doesn't work - ie. it strengthens your muscles, but you can't feel them inside you.

    @Fooorkspimp - I was just in Paris a couple of weeks ago, and felt such gut wrenching agony that I was there with my parents, passing by sex shop after sex shop, lol.

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  24. @Fragile Little Human, are you sure we don't share a hubtard? The first thing mine said to me when he saw my mini E was "is that your new vibrator?" He didn't like it when I said "I wish". Bit lumpy though....Just like that "cactus" that's horrorfying!

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  25. CLASSIC!

    Kudos to the icey vampire dick!!

    -Dar

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  26. @Hypojustletmeputthisbengayonyourvag - You need to be careful with your hilarious comments. Someday I'm gonna sue you for making me choke on my breakfast (that's what she said!). Seriously, I almost choked because I was laughing so hard at "the gears of my lube factory grinding into production."

    @Jelena - I know, right??? They're everywhere! And when I would walk in and giggle uncontrollably, they'd just roll their eyes like "Oh, these American girls with their repressed sexuality"

    @JJ - seriously, gorgeous table. I feel the same way about mine. I would probably die if my house burned down because I'd be trying to drag the table through the front door.

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  27. Okay, first, that vibrator is scaaaaaary. Looks to me like that could cause some major internal injuries.

    And second, am I the only one who needs to scrub their brain with a brillo pad after the image of JJ taking her new toy for a test drive? LOL!

    I fucking giggled and snorted my way through this post - I love the sex toy posts!!

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  29. @Robszinger - Wait -- you have the cactus vibrator? It spins around?! Do you scream in agony every time you use it because I gotta be honest - it's kinda scary looking, lol.

    @Toefunny - you have no idea how much I want an ahh-meee of fulls sizes. I mean, could you imagine showing up at someone's house and there are all these cutouts standing creepily in the corners of all the rooms, just staring at you.

    And I wonder why people think I'm nuts. I'm just creative.

    @Kerri - I do socially awkward very well, trust me.

    And I just choked on my coffee reading your comment about the, uh, "bunny".

    @My After Car is an XKR - I think a lot of those "special" lubes contain menthol (no way am I looking THAT up at work). I haven't tried the Ice yet but I did get another one that was supposed to "enhance" sensation and it turned out to be pretty damn icy also. It was... really nice.

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  30. okay, let me splain. i think it's called the butterfly (looks similar to the rabbit). i was embarassed at Lovers Lane and so i asked the girl which one was THE best... and this is what i brought home! then when i really looked at it, i was like wait a minute, what the hell do i DO with this?! no i don't use it...all the way...or with the rotation. gosh this is embarassing:} but the butterfly part is something to write home about.

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  31. @Robzsinger - instead of "the rabbit," mine is a dolphin.

    this is what happens: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akyJYeBVbuM

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  32. @mypimp -BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    @JJ - so, are you interested in a specifically twilight related aaaah meee or will any FS do?

    http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41tJDwivewL._SL500_AA300_.jpg

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  33. @RobzSinger - don't be embarrassed!! You're among friends here and I bet there are a bunch of women currently googling that vibrator to see how much it is, lol.

    @Toefunny - WHO the fuck are those dudes?! LOL! I figured I might as well keep the Twilighty theme, ya know?

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  34. LMFAO --"procrasturbater" heh
    Yep, way better than a procrastinating. And more fun!

    I've only been to a "bookstores" once to pick up some novelty gifts for my sister's bachelorette party. I just keep it on the DL. ...What can I say?... UPS is my bff.

    STY, now I'm scratching my head and wondering what the hell kinda MotU inspired thingamajig you got! Holy crow --its not a *gasp* riding crop now is it?! ..Hhmm I'm gonna go with Jelena and put my bet down for the.. silver balls?! If so...Yes, indeed we need a full post on that, stat!

    And JJ, really, what horny Twitard WOULDN'T like the idea of ice lube! I WANT!

    Side note:
    My mom popped over unannounced last week and I was busy reading some dirty fanfic (MotU to be exact) so I minimized the Twilighted window, went to take the dog out. When I came back in she was on my computer, intently reading the lemony goodness. I am 23 year old grown ass women, mind you and I was fucking horrified! I explained to her that it was Twilight fanfic. And then she proceeded to look all confused and asked, "How do such dirty stories spawn from such an innocent, chaste book?" I plainly answered with three little words: "Fade to black." ..Yeah needless to say, she didn't get it. But I did also mention, "If you think THAT'S dirty you should see the h00rs o'er at Twitarded! ;)
    <3

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  35. @JJ - OMG, HAHAHAHAHAHA..... I'm actually really glad you don't know who they are and very sad that I do. They are the Jonas Brothers

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  36. @hypoineedacleanupinislethreevag - is this what stopped you dead in your tracks in Nordstroms?

    http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/3108217?tuid=000006cb-006f-0861-6c61-726765727669&id=11004332&largeImg=0&tname=product

    An excellent addition to JJ's ahhh mee!

    wv aggiga - seeing Eclipse FSE in Nordsrtoms made HypoVag say aggiga

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  37. Confession: I have never -- no, really, NEVER -- been to an "adult bookstore," not even when I was married or seriously involved with a guy. And now...well, I guess I have issues with Yankee shame or whatever, so I order certain products online. Discreetly. In brown paper wrappers with no identifiable labels or such. Because I am obviously a repressed pussy. But man, I have to admit, I would love to go to one of those places with a bunch of women and giggle childishly at giant-size dildos and whatnot, even if I couldn't possibly make myself buy one without blushing nine shades of red.

    That green thing really is scary. It does look like a cactus, but that thing on the side looks a bit like a Venus flytrap. Like it might snatch your...snatch...in the middle of "procedures." *shiver*

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  38. @fooorkspimp- wow, that's impressive! :)

    if anyone else wants to share their vibrator or sex toy recs, i'm all ears. i'm afraid i lived in a bit of a bubble for what should have been my experimental years. life was very vanilla. but now i'm ready to unleash my inner sex kitten;)

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  39. Still searching for the "May Not Include" part of this post...

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  40. @ Luxie- Hilarious!!! My mom (exact words) "can see why people like him" (the Precious), but i would be mortified if she found my ever growing stash of readable porn!! "Fade to black..." most likely provided me with the best hobby ever :)

    @ JJ- i seriously may need someone to literally push me into the store! there are too many options!!

    Has any one tried the MotU silver balls???

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  41. After reading this, I'm beginning to wonder about myself. Apparently most people have actual reservations about entering these so-called "bookstores." I'm pretty sure that before I was even of age to enter such an establishment, I was already experimenting with an electric toothbrush.

    Sorry, TMI?

    What does this say about me?

    AND NO I did not then use it to brush my teeth!

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  42. @laphipps: Yeah, my sister makes fun of me.. I'm like a super dork.. reading porn instead of watching it LOL

    "'Fade to black'... most likely provided me with the best hobby ever"
    -- True true. Hhmm maybe we should thank SM for her unrelenting, merciless cockblocking? Perhaps, then maybe some of these delicious lemony FF's may not have been inspired, due to deprivation of Edward/Bella sexy times! --Oh the horror!

    @Foorspimp.. "AND NO I did not then use it to brush my teeth!" LMAO!

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  43. ok, so I'm afucked up kinky ass dirty hoor and I've tried pretty much every type of MOtU inspired "appliance" at some point or another...before I even found the lovely land of Twitardia or FF for that matter. Ben-wa balls aren't as impressive as in the story, but I tell you what....(ok if you're even a teensy bit prudish look away lol) take a string of anal beads and put em in door number one as opposed to door number two and hoo doggie....good times ladies...good times.

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  45. Where the FUCK is my last comment? I swear to Edward, I'm gonna kick some interwebz ASS up in herr.

    So...some backtracking...

    @Amanda is my Pimp: I totes choked on my gum reading your toothbrush comment. My bf is a dentist. He gets lots of free merch. Including electric toothbrushes...We don't brush with them either....But we do dispose of them rather quickly :oP

    And jftr, you aren't the only one who starred in Self Love at a young age. My first.....experience....was with a Squiggle Wiggle Writer. What? Don't remember those? Check this shit out. I was prolly that old, too. Cuz I'm a motherfucking h00r like that.


    As for the Ben-Wa balls, whoever was asking...I think it was Jelena, but I'm too lazy to scroll up...They're mostly good for strengthening PC muscles, but I have a remote controlled vibrating set. Throw those babies in, head out to dinner/movie with the remote in your waistband, and let DH/bf sit next to you and take the reigns while you're out and about. It's so fucking FIFTY, and we've been doing it for years. Good times, good times. And if you're a n00b with them, get the larger (ping pongish) size. As your PCs get stronger, you can get smaller balls (heh). I made that mistake sophomore year of undergrad walking to a US History lecture. *Thunk....THUNK* ..::facepalm::..


    vw: surey

    Surey y'all know how spicy I am in the sex department. For chrissake...This is the latest addition to our toys, props 'n crops collection! In blue. And it's fucking AHHHH mazing.

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  46. @HypoVag - YOU DELETED THAT MOST EPIC OF POSTS?!!! I loved it! Why, oh Why would you do such a thing!!!

    wv - flecr - HypoVag tried to pull the flecr over our eyes but we all know what a dirty dirty ho0r she is and love her all the more for it!!!

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  47. @Lindsay - "swear to Edward" is now my new favorite phrase! TOTES!!

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  48. @LindsayRae - I was, um, very familiar with squiggle wiggle writer as a kid. For reals. And then one day my brother broke it and I cried. A lot. He couldn't understand why I was so upset about a stupid giant vibrating pen.

    And I wasn't about to tell him...

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  49. Oh, on a side note - So, today a male work buddy of mine who visits this blog from time to time sent me an email asking me WTF? was that terrifying cactus thing. And I was all DOOD! DIDN'T YOU READ THE FIRST PARAGRAPH?! HELLOOOOO??!!!

    And now I think I need to find out how much that thing is, buy it and then LEAVE IT ON HIS DESK AT WORK one day when he isn't in.

    That monstrosity shouldn't be more than $10, right? If not, I'll just to start spreading rumors that he's got a plethora of STDs...

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  51. @Lindsay Rae - HAHA! I adore you already. I am very relieved to know that I was not the only curious kid with a vibrating toothbrush. Also, I ALWAYS KNEW dentists were closet pervs with all their vibrating paraphenalia! Waterpik my ass.

    Also, @LR AND JJ, dying at the Squiggle Pen. That thing looks almost as ridiculous as the ShakeWeight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbsSeVr5NSI

    I am SO INTERESTED in the Ben-Wa balls! Also, Lindsay Rae, you are a big slut for having a vibrating pair and I am SO JEALOUS ZOMG. :-D

    Jesus do I love you whoreflaps. I just got in from a long-ass rehearsal where I pretty much got a baroque ass-kicking (note: not as fun as it sounds) and I was so delighted to come back to see the messages from you Twitards.

    VW: aming. JJ and LR, where exactly are you aming that squiggle pen??

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  52. OK where the fuck have I been and how did I miss this post yesterday? I can't keep up with the two-on-one-day post action...my boss' need to send me a MEM)....I was too distracted planning for FFFOOORRRKKKKSSSS! and ordering my child to bring me VitaminRs.

    Anyhoo, all I am going to say is I love my toys. Those that don't use them should. That's it.

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  53. @RobzSinger - Just one rec - Hitachi Magic Wand....I am new to the whole "special me time" thing (about 20 years too late - lots of catching up to do!!) and this thing can get ya there in 30 seconds flat....umm...OMEyeah.

    I have never made the foray into the adult bookstore realm, but ladies, Drugstore.com delivers in a plain brown box and my Magic Wand was about $20 less than other sites...so yeah. I need to do some more online shopping...

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  54. the next time anyone tells me my shit is too inappropriate for twitarded, i shan't believe them. shan't.

    s h a n ' t.

    vw: astries

    ima not gonna listen the next time your astries to tell me to abort! abort!

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  57. Now now neverthink, you know perfectly well that that was

    http://twitpic.com/1p186h

    But the great self-bahletions will go down in my mind as our funniest Twitarded exchange EVAH.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=vrunJucqxeI&feature=related

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  59. hypoifreakoutatthelittlistthingand
    thenidontspeaktomybbanymorevagina.

    oh, no. no you d i d n 't. Did--n't. oh the fuckery of which will nevah be known.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYH6sn2ulfs&feature=related

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  60. LMFAO --"procrasturbater" heh
    Yep, way better than a procrastinating. And more fun!

    I've only been to a "bookstores" once to pick up some novelty gifts for my sister's bachelorette party. I just keep it on the DL. ...What can I say?... UPS is my bff.

    STY, now I'm scratching my head and wondering what the hell kinda MotU inspired thingamajig you got! Holy crow --its not a *gasp* riding crop now is it?! ..Hhmm I'm gonna go with Jelena and put my bet down for the.. silver balls?! If so...Yes, indeed we need a full post on that, stat!

    And JJ, really, what horny Twitard WOULDN'T like the idea of ice lube! I WANT!

    Side note:
    My mom popped over unannounced last week and I was busy reading some dirty fanfic (MotU to be exact) so I minimized the Twilighted window, went to take the dog out. When I came back in she was on my computer, intently reading the lemony goodness. I am 23 year old grown ass women, mind you and I was fucking horrified! I explained to her that it was Twilight fanfic. And then she proceeded to look all confused and asked, "How do such dirty stories spawn from such an innocent, chaste book?" I plainly answered with three little words: "Fade to black." ..Yeah needless to say, she didn't get it. But I did also mention, "If you think THAT'S dirty you should see the h00rs o'er at Twitarded! ;)
    <3

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  61. @HV-
    Laughing my ass off about the Ben Gay story!!!

    SparkleMindy

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  62. @ToeFunny and Layna, I love that the specs on that thing say

    Length: 15.5 inches

    Insertable: 11.5 inches

    Insertable? 11.5 inches? Oh HALE no!

    (reminds me of this boy with a moray eel-like dick I saw on FB this week)

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  63. Thank god I'm not the only one slightly horrified by the cactus vibe. Ahh forays to the porn shop... I once told an ex about a dildo I saw at a shop once called the great american challenge that thing is huge I mean like bigger than a just born infant huge. He thought I was nuts I had to drag his ass to the nearest fun store and prove it. He laughed his ass off when he realized I wasn't just giving him a load of shit. Fun times lol

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  64. JJ, I love that you have FSE's all over your house! I would LOVE to see the looks on people's faces when they catch a glimpse of one!! We must do something about getting you your aaah meee of Edwards!

    That cactus vibrator is the scariest thing I have ever seen. My va-jay-jay just shrieked and said no thank you. It is reminiscent of the rabbit which is awesome however!

    http://skinnymoose.com/health/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/0505.jpg

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