Friday, May 21, 2010

More Q & A From the Ask Twitarded Mailbox!

It's Friday and here we all are again, ready to get our weekend on at the end of another loooong week. To get things rolling (after you're done playing Dirty Mad Libs over at Twilight SagaPalooza) we thought we'd dip into the "Ask Twitarded!" mail bag to see what sort of fuhcacktah stuff you all had cooked up for us!

Kicking it off this round, we have some hijinks cooked up by Cullenary Curser...

Take it away, CC!

Alrighty - since you're mimicking MrsP [duly noted & shout-out to MrsP!!] I thought I'd mimic the question that I asked Mrs P (of course making a few changes to account for the triumvirate of twitardedness).

Okay here's my question: All three of you are on a boat in the tropics with every male cast member of Twilight. JJ was at the helm drunk and has steered you into a coral reef (in her defense she couldn't see over the wheel). The party boat is now sinking. Fast. There's an island just off in the distance.

Natch, there's only one life boat. The guys have all decided that all three of you MUST get in the boat and there's only room for one more!

Each of them is carrying an item or two that will be essential for living on the deserted island. They won't swap items because they're acting all macho and think that they've got the best item.

JJ and LKW got in the boat at the first sign of trouble and are now drunkenly arguing over who's the biggest whore. They brought nothing with them.

So STY, it's up to you.
  • Justin Chon is carrying a water purification kit and food.
  • Peter is carrying signal flares and matches.
  • Kellan has the oars for the boat and a GPS.
  • Jackson has a tarp, duct tape, some fire starters and some string.
  • Billy has a gun (c'mon it's Chief Swan).
  • Taylor has rum.
  • Rob is being a complete prissy. He's freaking out and muttering something about "humidity and not being able to wear his beanie stuck on a fucking island" He's refusing to carry anything other than his hair products.
You can't swim cause of sharks, and there isn't time to make a raft. You can't push JJ or LKW out of the boat or shoot them with Billy's gun to make more room . You'll likely be stuck there for weeks. And if you can get JJ and LKW to stop arguing you can consult them.

Wow! Well,there's no reasoning with a drunken, bickery JJ & LKW, so let's just let them have at it and I'll put on Rob's "thinking beanie" [he wasn't wearing it on Ellen when he said he couldn't think properly, now was he? I rest my case] for a spell to mull it over. Quickly...

The obvious thing here is that RPatts is getting in that damn boat. The tricky part is how we'll survive longer than ten hours after reaching that fateful - but let's face it, no-brainer - conclusion. Sorry, all you other dudes and your very sensible and infinitely more useful belongings, I gotta save the precious. I just do. Jackson, you were a clooooose second place. You're a wiry, strong-looking lil' guy - I say start swimming! And snatch that rum from Taylor before you hit the water...

For starters, I reckon we'll all have to take our clothes off so that we can craft a sail to get to the island (use your imagination as far as the rudder goes...).

Bend it a little this way, Rob! We're almost there!!!

Then I guess we'll have to hope that Rob's deluxe hair products are organic and edible enough to sustain us until we can hunt, pick, or fish something a little more appetizing up... Maybe something with a little almond or honey wouldn't be asking too much? No? Well, we could all stand to drop a few pounds anyway, seeing as how we're all running around in our birthday suits on the island.

Get crackin' guys - this treehouse cabana for four ain't gonna build itself!

LKW is pretty handy so maybe she can put together a little bungalow in the trees for us to live in [JJ's Note - Hey! What the fuck? I'm handy too, asshole. Somehow]. We'll spend our days trying to concoct some sort of fermented beverage and our nights dismantling the huge "S.O.S.!!!" signs that somehow keep appearing on the beach while RPatts is off foraging for dinner for the four of us.

It's ok baby - we'll hold you... But we're never letting you off this island...

Next up, we have a very important question from Twilunatic regarding an important part of Forks planning: convincing your S/O that it's not sheer lunacy to meet a bunch of chicks you've never met in a podunk logging town on the Olympic Peninsula!

My question for you on earth did you get your husband/boyfriends to agree to let you go to Forks? I think if I even mentioned a trip to Forks my husband would have me committed. I can't even mention Twilight without getting a look and an eyeroll. So please tell me how you convinced them.

I'm gonna let Latchkey Wife field this one, since Jenny Jerkface had it reasonably easy [JJ's Note - Two words - Band Tour] and while I was initially hesitant to broach the topic with Mr. Snarky, all was well once I brought myself to blurt the whole plan out at some random moment.

Bring it on, LKW!

I was absolutely, positively petrified to bring the Forks trip up to my husband for a loooong time. He really knows very little about my Twi-obsession. And he knows nothing of my blogging habit (which is becoming a more difficult secret to keep now that he's back to working days.) So I just told myself, "self, this is the weekend you will tell Mr. Latchkey that you want to go to Forks." I talked it over with friends to get the encouragement I needed and then, finally, Sunday morning I told him I had something to talk to him about... He kind of gave me a weird look and I asked him not to make any snap judgments but to hear me out.

I then proceeded to tell him that although he knew I was a fan of Twilight, he didn't really know to what extent... I told him I spend a lot of time doing Twilight-y things (leaving out the actual blog writing part) and that I've made a lot of friends through it. And I had mentioned JJ and STY in conversation before so they weren't complete strangers to him. I simply told him that they had planned a trip to Forks WA which is where the Twilight books take place and I really wanted to join them. I told him there would be a large group of us, the airfare was cheap, the motel was cheap, and it was a beautiful area that I was dying to visit. And then I sat there, wringing my hands, anxiously waiting for his reply.

To my surprise, he said he thought it didn't sound like a bad idea and as long as I was certain there were no psychos going, he was totally ok with it. I nearly shit myself. I immediately booked my plane ticket before he had a chance to rethink it. Don't get me wrong, my husband is the fucking KING of eye rolling whenever Twilight is mentioned, but he really came through for me with Forks. And I didn't even need to perform dirty sexual favors.

Buuuut she did anyway 'cause that's how she rolls and seriously it couldn't have hurt to seal the deal with something that shouts "No give backs!" - like, saaaaay a pancake breakfast. With extra bacon! That Mr. LKW gets to eat while she is... "otherwise engaged"???

Moving on...

Lastly but certainly not least, we have a very... ah... "pressing" question from Camila:

Hi girls! I know the three of you are happily married and I also know that the three of you have the hots for RPattz! Soooooo... My question is... If you had the chance to get down and dirty (yall know what I mean) with Rob, would you REALLY go for it? Annnd... Would you tell your S.O.? If your answer is HELL NO! What if they found out? Have you already had that talk with them? Is there any pact that allows sex with Rob? Huahahaha!

Loooove! Camila

Latchkey Wife:

Hmmmm.... I really had to think about this one... for about 7 seconds. You'll probably ALL think I'm a huge fucking slutty, cheaty whore for saying this, but I don't think I would be able to turn down that chance. Bad, bad, BAD Latchkey Wife... I know. But for fuck's sake, he IS on my Five Famous Fucks list and as far as I'm concerned, that trumps marriage vows. (Sorry honey.) I can say this because I am absolutely, positively sure I will never be in the position to have to make this choice. But Rob, if you're reading this... *whispers* Call me! Oh and no, if it did happen, I'd be taking this secret to the grave. If he did happen to find out... I guess I'll just have to whip out my List and use that as my defense. Or I'd hunt down someone on his list and serve her up on a silver pillow!

Ruuun RPatts! Mr. LKW just got home and he's armed!

JJ here:

Yes, LKW, I think you're a gigantic slut. If sluttiness was a vagina, yours would be the size of the Holland Tunnel.

ML and I have this whole "one freebie" thing going where we're not held accountable for taking advantage of an opportunity to horizontal mambo with someone who is WAAAAAAAY out of our league, mainly because I have a better chance of getting abducted by aliens than I do of having RPattz be remotely interested in me, much less want to munch my box or something.

That being said, yes, I'd totally do him if RPattz was down to, well, get down and it would be totally cool with ML because we've already hypothetically discussed this shit...

Oh, wait. I forgot about that one, pesky little word. Hypothetical. You see, I suck at lying so I wouldn't even bother and if I really not-so-hypothetically humped RPattz, ML might not-so-hypothetically fucking enlist LKW's help of disposing my body. Which she'd probably do, the bitch.

Aaaand my two cents!!

OK, I have to admit that I have been faced with this situation. Er, so I may have been asleep and dreaming at the time - big deal! Aaaaand while I spew on and on about how I would have my way with him (and then some) if given the chance, I have to say (boring and disappointing as it may be) that I could never go there. As JJ noted, the fact that there is no way in hell this scenario would ever be a possibility even if I was actively pursuing it aside, this couldn't happen. Don't get me wrong: I am not made of stone and I would TOTALLY be tempted, but despite what the heart crotch wants, there's no way...

Someone please remind me of this when he comes and knocks on our hotel motel room door in Forks. Because I totally know that he reads this blog every day and can't WAIT to come hang with all of us twat waffles while we're in a drunken girly stupor at the Twilight Lounge. Maybe I will get to test my resolve. You know, to prove I can do it... Er, or whatevs...

So what would you do if YOU were on the ill-fated party boat or if a horny RPatts came knocking on YOUR door, hmmmmmmm??? Spill it in the comments!


  1. Heh - I expected no less STY! I particularly liked your method of making a sail! "Bend it a little this way" *snort*

    Although personally, I would have slided up to Billy, kissed him like I was going to pick him. Then, whilst feeling that delightful arse of his, I'd have grabbed the gun, held all the guys at gun point and told everyone to dump their stuff into the boat, grabbed the precious and sailed off into the sunset and avoid being rescued at all costs!

  2. That was a given, who wouldn’t pick Rob although Taylor was a close second for me because of the rum. What am I saying I would have confiscated that long before the boat started sinking. I admit it I am a rum pig.

  3. Great questions/answers twatwaffles ;)

    @STY - That will be the ONLY cock allowed in Forks. Just sayin'. LOL!


  4. @CC Ha! I totally saw the gun as the key too..except apparently I'm a sadistic fuck cuz I got all whorish on BB & made him shoot all the others except the Precious-telling him we were going to take him on the boat & he needed to shoot them to get their stuff..and to "send Rob on the boat with the 2 drunk bitchez to shut them up & persuade one of them to get off the boat. Not that one of them needed to get off the boat, but I needed him to not shoot Rob in the process & this seemed feasible. I have no idea why there was a killing spree in my head..I guess I thought that was the gist of it..2 men enter-1 man leaves kinda thing..although reading back you made no such suggestions..Interpret that Mrs P..murder spree for the Precious *shifty eyes* So of course, after Billy did the deed, we shot Billy and were on our happy way to the Island of all day orgies..poor Rob..he drew the short straw..but he was a good sport & never once got all confrontational about the mysterious self-removing rocks. I think he was severely anemic & dehydrated from so much loss of body fluids-he couldn't drink enough coconuts in a day to replace what he was losing ;-) You know, we never did find the flares & matches *bottom of the ocean* poor Peter died for nothin...
    I myself am single & accountable to I wouldn't blink twice..and would tell EVERYONE!! I have a feeling the same would apply if I were attached, because dearest Rob has seeped into every pore in my body & I could die a happy woman :-)
    Slut or no Slut...Happy

  5. Wow, STY, I enjoyed your answers! Although, I have to say that if it were I getting on that boat with LKW and JJ, I'd totally pick Taylor (and his rum). I know that LKW and JJ are Rob girls, so I'd have Taylor all to myself! :-D Rawwwrrrr.

    Also, JJ, I am totally with you on the "one hypothetical exception thing." Every couple should have one. Hypothetically.

  6. @VWL - see now I wouldn't have shot anyone, just threatened to. That's better right??

  7. Oh my fuck. You just had to post that picture... that picture that fucking slays me... that picture that makes me forget my husband's name... that picture that makes me forget MY name... that picture that makes me want to start smoking again... that picture that makes me want to rip open that white shirt so the buttons spray all over the place... that picture that makes me think he hasn't bothered to button the top button of his jeans... that picture that makes me think he IS running from my bedroom with shoes in hand while Mr. Latchkey reloads the shotgun. I love that picture.

  8. hahahaha I love Q & A! You 3 are hilarious! The first question was tricky. And although I love Rob, I'd have to go with Jackson *ducks and covers* We could make a fire, sit under the tarp while he plays some sort of instrument made of string and coconuts!
    If I asked my husband to go to Forks, he probably wouldn't care. It's his fault Im obsessed anyway (he read the books first and got me to read them!).
    I totally agree with STY, I might say I would love to have my way with Rob (not to mention a few others)... I don't have the guts! And I dont want Kristen to kick my ass!

  9. My Hubby and Son both eyeroll and try to change the subject on my whole Twilight & Precious obsession. The Hubster and I have had the freebie conversation. He agreed that if I was ever to get the chance to bump uglies with the God, he'd be fine as long as he got Kate Beckingsale. So, I think we're all good...Come to the Windy City RPatz! I'll meet you at the Palmer House!

  10. yup @LKW he's definitely springing from your bedroom window in that ine - lol! and dude he TOTALLY makes me want to light up a smoke again in a way that nobody else does... mmm... smokey...

  11. i have fantasized and dreamed about what i would do if i met rob. as much as i would "hypothetically" love to lock him in my basement and use him as a sex slave, irl i would be happy with touching his hair, running my fingertips through his scruffy beard, and sharing a nice, long tonguey kiss. after he's had a few breath mints, of course, so i don't feel like i'm making out with an ashtray. i especially want him to look at me in the same way he looked at kristen in the bedroom kissing scene. *sigh* that's not asking for much, is it?

  12. Sorry hubby....I would totally abandon you (for the day or night--hopefully both!) so I could be with The Pretty. He's number 1 through 3 on my Freebie Five list anyway, so I'm covered!

  13. Wow. Impressive questions, ladies. I guess I just don't think hard enough. Hehe....hard. As far as the boat sitch, I think I would have to flip a coin for KLutz and J-Bone. Um....Y'all can kill me later. I don't do well with prissy boys, especially with hair product. And I am going to put out there in my defense, that the pretay will live on through fanfic and on my hardrive. I have survival instincts, twat rockets, and if those instincts lead me to possible sex with either of those fine specimens, I'll handle the sand in my taco with grace.

    As for the horny RPatz showing up at my I know exactly what I would do. I wouldn't let him utter a single word and pull him inside, open every fucking curtain, shade, blind, and window, then proceed to fuck him until a neighbor either sets up a video camera (thanks, make sure I get a copy, or at least give me the link), or calls the cops. And when The Bentist finds out, I will own up to that shit and make sure I took the time to get Carrie Underwood's phone # and address so he can get his celebrisex on, too. True love.

  14. Prissy Rob..Ick that would be hard to take. Maybe if I smacked him and yelled "man up" it would help? I'd like to think his instincts would kick in then and he'd push me in the boat as he decked Billy (sorry! you're hot too!), grabbed his gun, and used his new found manliness to point that thing (I mean the gun) at the others to confiscate their belongings. Of course Rob would still be nice enough not to push them into the water with the sharks and to apologize to PFach for leaving him to die. Now all I'd have to do once we got to the island is figure out how to convince the other two ladies to spend their time in mourning for the others so I could have Rob all to myself. Yes, I'm a greedy, heartless bitch.

    As for what I would do if I had a chance to have my wicked way with Rob. Well, hubby would kill me, so I'd better take the secret to the grave. I wonder what would happen though? Would my horniness and his supreme hotness push me over the edge? Or would my guilt cause me to sit there with my arms crossed and hands under my armpits so I could live with myself later? Decisions, decisions.


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