I'm sorry I missed your little Eclipse special screening... I guess my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail... I'm not going to lie, I'm a little upset right now and am strongly considering terminating our relationship. Imagine my surprise when I had to hear about the screening on Twitter. I thought we were friends! I feel cheated. And I'm gonna be pissed if I found out my mailman was there instead of me. I'll slash that asshole's tires if he stole my Eclipse invitation. He should know by now that you don't want to fuck with me. I've got an artillery at my fingertips and won't hesitate to launch an offensive attack at his makeshift mail truck the next time he stops at my mailbox. Dude won't know what hit him. But I know that's not your fault, Oprah. Oh wait, yes it is... "Certified Mail," bitch! Ever hear of it? If you haven't, I am sure someone on your staff has....
I know how you can make it up to me, Oprah. You know that special show you have scheduled for May 13th? You know, the one on RPattz's birthday? I think you can FedEx me three tickets to your show and include some airfare in the mix. The tickets should be addressed to Latchkey Wife, Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You. Oh and we'll also need accommodations please. Preferably in the same room where Robert Pattinson is staying. No need for extra beds, the three of us will happily snuggle with Rob in his nice king size bed. That's at least until I push those other two bitches out onto the floor so I can have him all to myself. [Note from STY: I hope he's into catfights! Mrrrow!]
Ok, where was I? Oh right, the show. We will require front row seats at this uber special show. Unless I can sit on Rob's lap - that would be preferable - and in that case, only two tickets are needed for JJ and STY. If his lap is unavailable, please make sure you don't let the Stew touch him in my presence. I'd hate to have to go all kung fu on her ass on national television but I will, so don't tempt me. And we also want to be included in any pre- or post-show parties. Let me know if it's BYOB. I'll be happy to provide all of Rob's alcohol (and no, it won't contain roofies.... I promise. *crosses fingers*)
Lastly, as part of your atonement, could you please have the actors perform a reenactment of the entire movie for my own personal viewing? That would be awesome. And since it's for my eyes only, I would like the leg hitch scene to be done naked. And then could you please send RPattz to my house (like you did for that other family?) I would really appreciate a visit from him and I swear I won't lock him in my bedroom and perform dirty sexual acts on him. Even if he begs.
I look forward to hearing back from you Oprah. I'm sure there's much you can do to save our friendship.
PS - Please don't say anything to Rob about my attendance. He may or may not have a restraining order against me. I promise to show up in disguise.
PPS - Yes, I know they taped the show already... but a girl can dream... right?