Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Osa Bella - Chapter 20 "Dirty High" [Twilight FanFiction]


It's still Wednesday, right? Of course, it's omfgwtf#Eclipse Wednesday! Happy Eclipse, everybody!

JMFHF, this is really late. I am so sorry. There are probably seventy six typos and other problems with this damned update because, folks, hello? I was out until so fucking late last night with STY, JJ and LKW at the SQUEEEEE #Eclipse SQUEEEEEE premiere, and anyway, even though I brought the hard copy of Chapter 20 with me, I had to work today – at work! So I couldn’t touch it until after the kids were in bed, and I’m just finishing now.

You do remember, we’re in the middle of the Fandom Gives Back Eclipse fundraiser for Alex’s Lemonade Stand, the wonderful charity that raises funds for research into childhood cancer. Team Osa Bella has already raised over $2400 and has 91 members as of this posting, and oh my god, folks, I tear up every time I think of it. Thank you, so very much, for your participation in this. I want to hug every single one of you.

If you want to give more, you still can! We have until 7/2 when the bidding ends. Just go here and sign up if you haven’t, or add to your pledge if you want. The team will get to vote on what section of Osa Bella gets written in Edward's point of view.

Also for bid are… get ready… Osa Bella panties! The amazingly creative and slightly twisted mind of Red Bella is offering them for auction! So you get to donate to Alex’s Lemonade Stand and wear Osa Bella on your butt. And believe me, not everyone can say that. So go on over here to take a look and bid!

Also for auction is a bound, printed copy of Osa Bella, the complete fic. Take it with you on the train, to the beach, in those places that lack 3G or wifi. Yours forever, either hardcover or paperback (winner chooses). Only catch is you won’t get it until Osa Bella wraps sometime in July.

And because you’re all so awesome, one random member of Team Osa Bella is going to get a copy too. Sweet, right? I may need to snag one of those for myself!

As for where we left off? Chapter 19. Jake was nailing Bella. It was an "oh shit, I feel terrible, I need to get laid" kind of depressing fuck. Sorry the first lemon had to be of the harsh reality type. Yes, I did say first ;-) I know a lot of you needed a shower after reading that, and I'm sorry. Okay, just Texas Katherine did. But I'm sure you're all wondering what's going to happen if Edward finds out, right? Hmmm. I wonder...

Okay, enough rambling and housekeeping and stuff. Here’s chapter 20. This is the .pdf. See you all in the comments.

Sloppy wet kisses,


Dirty High

It was the first time Jake didn’t leave after fucking me.

When I opened my eyes at 6 a.m. his arms were tight around me, keeping me warm. Too warm. The heat from his body and the pounding in my head made me feel like feverish and ill. My ankle was throbbing like it had a heart of its own. I pulled myself out of Jake's arms, out of the bed and shook him.

“Jake—get up. You’ve got work and no clothes here."

He rolled over and opened his eyes and looked at me. “Good morning.” He looked me up and down.

“Got any coffee?”

“You’re going to be late,” I said. “And of course I have coffee.”

“I'm off today,” he said.

I hopped over to the bathroom and turned on the shower and downed two Percocets with a gulp of water. Then I heard Jacob get up and go into the kitchen and run the coffee grinder. A minute later he stepped into the bathroom. “I’ll take you to work today, okay?”

I stuck my head out from the shower curtain. “Why?”

"I'm here," he said.

"I don't want to make a scene with Derek," I said.

"No scene. Promise."

I put my head back in the shower and started shaving my armpits when Jake stepped in behind me. “What are you doing?” I asked, annoyed.

“Washing your back.” He began soaping me up.

“What’s up with you today?”

“Nothing,” he said.

“Bullshit,” I said. He took the shower head and sprayed me down and soaped himself up and rinsed off. “Why are you acting like a boyfriend?”

“Does that bother you?” he asked, stepping out of the shower.

“I just broke off an engagement. The last thing I need is to fuck up my friendship with you."

“You won’t,” he said, handing me a towel. Then he walked into the kitchen and poured two cups of coffee.


On the ride to school I felt sick. I should have stayed home. But today was the last Thoreau club meeting and I wanted to be there for Angela, Erik, Jessica and Paige. I thought of Mike Newton, waiting for discharge to the adolescent psychiatric unit in Port Angeles. And then I thought of Edward, who was on his way in for a disciplinary hearing that might destroy his chances for Dartmouth. I pulled my phone out.

"Tell them the f. was for drugs," I typed then sent to Edward.

"What are you doing?" Jake asked.

"Checking my email," I said.

We pulled into the school parking lot and the kids milling around looked to see who was in the '67 Mustang. Paige and Angela and Erik all waved and then I saw them huddle, no doubt in quiet conference about how I'd finally hooked up with Jake. We parked and he got out to open my door, and I saw Derek climbing out of his Subaru, carrying his messenger bag, in a hurry. He looked over and then just looked away as he walked into the building. It made my stomach hurt to see him.
I climbed out of the car and grabbed my crutches.  "See you later," I said, trying to get rid of Jake quickly. "Thanks for the ride."

"Well, look who's here,” he said as the Cullens pulled into the parking lot.

Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Rosalie hopped out of their SUV and looked curiously to where we stood. It was clear they recognized Jake, but they made no greeting. Then they all walked to the tree line of the woods and peered into the forest. Were they afraid the bears would come back? When they were satisfied nothing lurked there, they joined Carlisle, Esme and Edward, who were getting out of Edward's Volvo. Edward stepped out of the car staring openly at Jacob, dagger faced. Then he shifted his eyes to me, and I had to look away. Esme whispered something in Edward's ear and patted his arm and he turned away to discuss something with her and Carlisle.

“You have to tell me what's going on," Jake whispered in my ear, gripping my arm. "Why was Edward Cullen staring at you like that?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said.

"I'll walk you to your office," he said.

"No, you won't. I don't need any more shit from Derek."

"Fine. I’ll pick you up at 3, then.”

“Make it 4. I’ve got a meeting after school.”

He kissed me then, quickly on the lips, right there in front of the Cullens, in front of all the students in the parking lot, and my face broiled with embarrassment. I pulled away and gave him the most evil glare I could muster. Then he got back into the car and drove off.

I felt awful. Screamingly awful. My head throbbed and my stomach flipped. I wanted to hide somewhere as the Cullens approached me, but I stood there and did my best to act normal and not get sick on the sidewalk.

“Good morning,” I said, my heart pounding.

"Good morning, Miss Swan," Carlisle said. "How's your ankle?"

"Fine," I said. "Thank you for asking."

“Can I speak to you for a minute?” Edward asked through gritted teeth. This is a bad idea, I tried to telecast to him. Meeting with me alone in my office when everyone is so suspicious is a dumb, dumb idea. Oh please, oh please read my mind. Just this once. But he continued to look at me in earnest.

"Of course," I said, as professionally as I could. "Now?"

"Yes, now."

We all walked together into the main office, where Derek stood sorting through his mail. I put my head down and walked straight into my office, Edward following me as Carlisle and Esme were shown into the small conference room.

Inside, Edward leaned against the door and let out a heavy sigh. He shook his head like a disappointed parent, slow, deliberate, admonishing.

“Tell me you are not fucking Jacob Black,” he said in a low, but exasperated voice. "Lie to me."

I turned my head away, unable to meet his disapproving eyes.

"What do you want me to say?" I said.

"Are you in love with him?"

"What difference does it make?"

"I need to know."

"Of course I'm not in love with him," I said. "You know that."

"Okay then," he said. "You're not to let him touch you again."

I was too stunned to speak. No, you did not just order me not to let Jake touch me. Who the hell do you think you are? These are the words that I meant to say, but I found I could not say them. How on earth could he make such a demand of me? Was he out of his mind?

"Say something," he said.

"You left."

"I know. We're in a difficult situation here, Bella. You know that."

"Then what the hell do you expect?"

"I don't want anyone touching you." 

"You told me to get married and have babies," I said. "You said you wouldn't interfere."

"I changed my mind."


"When you fucked Jacob Black." He looked up at the clock. "I've got to go. They're waiting."
Then he slipped out the door without another word.


By the clock I knew it was a full ten minutes that I sat staring at the door, imagining him standing where he'd stood, still trying to formulate some better response. What an incredible display of balls. How in the world did he think he had any place to tell me who I could or could not fuck?

And worse yet—why was I so turned on? Edward unlocked something in me that I was afraid to face, some dark desire that shamed and confused me. Because however offended I was by his presumption, I wanted to obey him. I felt like my body had betrayed my mind, had betrayed my better judgment since the day I met him. But I would not hand control my sexuality over to a man. Ever.

I'd show him, I thought. He didn't own me. How dare he toy with my heart this way, issuing inappropriate edicts, moratoriums on my sexual behavior? He'd be sorry.

He's seventeen, I said to myself. Remember that, Bella.

No. Something was really not right here. I'd never give some kid that kind of power over me, not even Edward Cullen. It just wasn't possible. Had I regressed in some way? Did I see myself as seventeen-year-old Bella here?

No. Seventeen-year-old Bella never had it in her to feel like this.

Quite the head fuck for 8:45 a.m. and I had nearly the entire school day, and then the last Thoreau club meeting to endure. With Derek.

I sat with my head on the desk, my hands over the top of my head, trying to blot out the light. I took another Percocet and stayed like that for quite awhile, until well into first period, until after Edward and his parents had finished their meeting and left the building.

There was a knock at my door. I picked my head up and tried to look coherent. It was Red. "We reached an agreement with the Cullens regarding Edward's disposition."


"Dr. Cullen spoke with the juvenile court judge last week to discuss Edward's case. The judge felt that since this was a first offense, treatment would be the recommendation."

"That's good," I said.

"Dr. Cullen said you shared your concerns about Edward having some mental symptoms and how that might have caused his behavior last week."

"Yes," I said. "He appeared to be having a manic episode."

"He was very grateful to you for that," Red said. "He's going to send Edward for treatment up in Alaska."

"That's good."

"We'll confer his diploma by mail."

"Okay," I said, trying to appear as disinterested as possible. I really didn't know what to think, but I did know one thing. Carlisle Cullen was full of shit.

"That's not all," Red said. "Dr. Cullen is starting a scholarship fund for the Thoreau Club. He said that he found Edward's participation in the club this year to be very good for his attitude, despite his problem here at the end."

"You're kidding me," I said.

"I was surprised too," he said. "He said you and Derek were a very positive influence this year."

I laughed cynically, shaking my head.

"Anyway, that takes care of that," Red said. "Three more days, then graduation, then I'm going on a long fishing trip. I hope you're planning some kind of vacation too."

"I'm going to Vancouver after graduation," I said, feeling my heart speed up. Was I still going to go?

"Enjoy it," Red said. "You could use the change of scenery."


The rest of the day was fogged by confusion, but I managed to tackle the last of my piles of paperwork and check in with a few students. The rest of the week was finals, and things would be more relaxed. And then finally came the moment I'd been sort of dreading—the last Thoreau club meeting. I hated last things, and even in some small way hated that this was the last time I'd run this group with Derek, even though I was starting to hate Derek himself. Just because I hated goodbyes.

I came in the room and plunked my bag down on the floor next to my chair and lay my crutches on top of it. Derek said nothing when I came in, even though none of the students had arrived yet.

"We can do this, right Derek?" I said. "We can be professionals here."

"I know I can," he said. "Whether you can or not is up to you."

"Come on," I said. "The kids are going to be tense enough as it is."

Angela and Erik and Paige came into the room, a little tentative.

"Hey there young Thoreauvians," I said. "Welcome to the grand finale of bear watch."

Angela laughed and took out her notes. Jessica came in then, taking a seat next to me. She wouldn't even look at Paige, who appeared as if she really wanted to say something but just didn't know how.

"Glad you made it," I said to Jessica.

"Let's get started," said Derek. "First of all, I need to issue an apology to all of you for discussing my religious beliefs at Lake Crescent. I understand it wasn't the right venue to bring it up."

I watched the surprised look on the kids faces, especially Jessica, who just looked at the floor and blushed a little. So, it had been her, I thought. Good for her.

"It's okay, Mr. Banner," Angela said. "We know your heart was in the right place."

I didn't agree, but I kept it to myself. "I know this has been a really difficult couple of weeks," I said. "So much has changed so fast. I was wondering if you guys wanted to talk about any of it."

"I'm sorry, Jessica," Paige blurted out at the first opportunity. "I know Mike's overdose wasn't your fault. I was just, I don't know, freaked out. I feel awful for how I treated you. Can you forgive me?"

Jessica burst into tears and I put my arm across her shoulders. Paige came over and gave her a hug, and then Jessica hugged her back and then I had to dab the tears out of my own eyes, because I knew how frightened the kids had been by Mike's suicide attempt, by the thought that the dark things in this world had such power over us. And I thought about how much I loved these kids, and how sad I was that they ever had to grow up and leave the safety of those childhood years, when all was possible and dark things lived under beds and in closets, and a kiss on top of the head could make them stay there.

"I'm so glad you guys made up," Angela said, wiping her eyes.

"Me too," Erik said. "I'd like a drama vacation. A long one."

"Me too," I said. "You guys are leaving and going off to college and I hope that when you think back on your time here, especially with us in Thoreau Club, you can remember the good, long talks and the bonds of friendship we made here. I want you to take those and keep them close to your heart. I know I will."

"Now you're really going to make me cry," Paige said.

"Yeah, goodbyes suck," I said. "Sorry."

"Miss Swan," Derek said, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm a little choked up here."

"I really wish we'd been able to write our statement about the bears," Angela said. "With the problems last week we never had the chance to finish that."

"Well, we can still discuss it, right? After all these months of following it, I want to know what you think this bear behavior means. Does it contain a message for us after all?"

"It seems like ever since Lake Crescent, there's been a lot more aggressive behavior," Angela said.

"Like something around that time caused the bears to become upset."

"Not just the bears," Paige said. "Think about it. The bears got aggressive. Edward committed a crime. Miss Swan broke her ankle. Mike OD'd on pills, and then Mr. Banner and Miss Swan…" she stopped talking and gave us an "oops" kind of look.

"We broke up," I said. "It's okay, you can say it."

"I think we should consult the stars," Erik said, joking. "Maybe there's some bad planet alignment."

"If I believed in that sort of thing, I'd agree," I said. "It does feel like there's something in the air."

"Maybe the bears reacting to us," Derek said. "Or maybe we're reacting to the bears. What do you think?"

"You know, I think you can read the bears' behavior however you want," Angela said. "Like, whatever you want to see, you'll notice it more. So if you feel bad? Then you'll see more bad behavior in the bears. Does that make any sense?"

"Perfect sense," I said. "Really, perfect. Whatever you're looking to see, you'll see everywhere. I think that's what the bears have taught me, anyway."

"And what about what you don't want to see?" Paige asked.

"I guess you don't see it," Erik said. "Denial."

"Wow, I hope you guys are all going into psychology," I said. "There's still time. You don't have to declare a major until junior year, right?"

"I'm doing biology," Erik said.

"Great field," Derek said.

"I'm going to major in psych," Paige said. "I think it's really cool to know why people do what they do."

"Yes, well even with all that theory there's still a lot of mystery involved," I said, and gave her a smile.

"Okay folks, I think that wraps it for Thoreau Club. I want to thank you all for your hard work. I really enjoyed leading this club with Miss Swan," Derek said, and gave me an apologetic smile. "Truly, Bella."

"Me too," I said. "And oh—before I forget, I have an announcement. A really, really great announcement. Dr. Cullen has created a scholarship fund in honor of the Thoreau Club. I think this year each one of you are getting money to put towards college. Mr. Colter will contact you with the details later this week."

The kids all lit up with the unexpected good news, but their excitement was quickly tempered by the alarm that crossed Derek's face.

"No," Derek said, shaking his head. "That's not appropriate."

"What are you talking about?" I said. "Red approved it this morning."

"Listen, I am telling you all, do not accept any money from the Cullens," he said, to the confusing stares of the students.

"But… I could really use it," Paige said. "My parents are struggling enough as it is."

"Derek, don't do this," I said. "Please."

"It's not like the Cullens don't have a ton of money," Jessica said. "If they couldn't spare it, I'm sure Dr. Cullen wouldn't offer."

"I am telling you all right now, do not take that money."

"Mr. Banner," I said. "Now would be a good time for you to stop talking."

"This is my classroom, and I'll say what I want here, Miss Swan. And I'm telling you all, do not take any money from the Cullens. Don't go near them."

"So Edward really is a terrorist?" Paige asked.

"No, of course not," I said. "Mr. Banner is having a moment of temporary insanity."

"Who do you think you are, insulting me in front of students? I'll report you for this."

"We should go," Angela said, and she and Erik, Paige and Jessica all gathered their belongings as we continued to argue.

"You'll report me? Go right ahead. I've got a report of my own to make." I grabbed my crutches and stood up from the desk, but in my haste I kicked my bag and dumped all the contents on the floor. Lipstick, wallet, keys, phone, iPod, little notebooks, three pens, a pack of gum scattered. Paige and Angela picked everything up for me.

"Let's go down and see Mr. Colter then," he said, handing me my bag.


It was just before 4pm and Red's office was locked, the lights out. He was gone already. There was nobody in the main office other than the Bob the custodian, and he was vacuuming the conference room.

"The Cullens are deceiving you," Derek said, getting in my face. "Bella, please, you've got to believe me. They are not what you think they are, and they will damage your chances for heaven."

"Derek, I will not—do you understand me? Will not hear any more of this bullshit. If you bring it up again, I swear to you I'll make a formal HR complaint."

"I know Edward got to you," he said. "And all I can say is, I'm sorry. I'll be praying for you."


I stormed out of the building with my big heavy bag, on my crutches, down the sidewalk. Jake was already waiting for me in the parking lot, luckily. I hopped over to his car and got in.

"Hiya," he said, smiling.

I was so enraged I tried to slap him, but he caught my wrist before I made contact with his face.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he said, his nostrils flaring, his eyes widening in anger.

"How dare you kiss me this morning in front of the entire student body? I'm not some whore you can make out with whenever or wherever you feel like it."

"I didn't make out with you," he said. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I just got into an argument with Derek. Can you get me out of here?"

"So he starts shit and you decide to hit me?" He shook his head and started the car. I closed my eyes, dropped my head back and let out a long, frustrated sigh. "What happened?"

"He was being a dick," I said.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because he's a dick, that's why," I said.

"And imagine you almost married him," he said. We were silent the rest of the ride to my house.

"Jake?" I asked as he was pulling into my driveway. "Do you consider us a couple now?"

"Jesus, Bella," he said. "Do we really have to make this a formal kind of arrangement already?"

"No," I said. "That's not why I'm asking."

"Let's just keep things casual, okay? I promise I'll be around a lot more now that Derek is gone."

"I'm not asking for that," I said.

"What are you asking then?"

"I just want to know what you're thinking." Jake got out of the car and came around to my side. He pulled my crutches out of the back seat and carried my bag as I hopped up the porch stairs. I walked over to the kitchen counter and he came up behind me and put his arms around my waist and kissed my neck. "Don't," I said, shrugging him off. Adrenaline surged through me.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said. "I just got home from work. My ankle hurts."

"Go lay down and I'll bring you your medicine, okay?"

Why did he have to be nice Jake? Couldn't he be arrogant Jake? I went into the living room and lay down on the couch and he brought me a tall glass of water and a Percocet.

"That's not enough," I said. "I need at least two."

"Are you kidding me?" he asked.

"It's a broken ankle. It hurts."

"The bottle says one every six hours," he said. "How could a little thing like you need double that?"

"Just get me another pill."

He shrugged his shoulders and went and got me the bottle. Then he sat down in the chair and turned on the television.

"You're staying?" I asked, puzzled.

"Is that a problem?"

"I don't get it," I said. "You don't want to call yourself a boyfriend, but you're acting just like one."

"I'm acting like a friend," he said. "You could act more like one yourself."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Why are you being such a bitch?"

"I don't know," I said, and then felt terrible. I did know. I was acting like a bitch because I was afraid if I didn't, he'd try to touch me. What the fuck was wrong with me? "I'm sorry," I said. "I just feel like shit. I hurt, my head is all fucked up. I'm a mess. I'm really sorry."

Jake came over and hugged me. "I know I haven't been there enough for you, Bella," he said, gently brushing the hair from my face, holding my hand. "I wish I could explain more but this has just been a really weird year."

"You're not kidding," I said.

"I know," he said. "Let's figure out what we want to do in Vancouver. Maybe we can catch a good show or something."

"Um," I said, feeling weird again. "Not right now. I think I need a nap."

"I knew I shouldn't have given you two Percocets. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'm just tired. Whatever we do in Vancouver will be fine. You can plan the whole itinerary. Surprise me."

"Okay," he said. "Go ahead and take a nap. I'll hang out."

I pulled myself off the couch and went to my bed. Was Jake going to stay all fucking night? 

"Hey, can you bring me my bag?" I called from bed.

"Yeah, hold up," I heard him say over the ringing of his cell. "What's up?" he said to whoever called. Then I heard him say, "No. What? Shit. How many? Another 15? Damn it. Okay. Okay. Half an hour."
He walked into my room carrying my bag and dropped it on the floor next to my bed.

"Sorry Bella, I have to run," he said, looking annoyed. "Another group of bears showed up today and I have to go see what the hell is going on."

"No problem," I said.

"Call me if anyone comes here uninvited, okay? If anything seems at all out of place or even if you get a weird vibe, just call me. I'll be right back."

"What are you so worried about?"

"I don't like the way Edward was looking at you this morning," he said.

"You're being ridiculous," I said. "I've known him all year and he's been nothing but polite."

"Right," he said. "Of course he has."

"You're in no position to be possessive," I said.

"Possessive?" he looked at me strangely. "Bella, I'm being protective."

"Well, I don't need protecting from Edward Cullen."

"Just call me," he said and kissed me on the forehead.

Right. I didn't think so.


I slept into the evening. At eight o'clock, I went into the bathroom and splashed my face. Brushed my hair, my teeth. Considered my outfit. What was I doing?

I needed answers. But I didn't even know what questions to ask.

Back in the bedroom I grabbed my bag and and dug into it looking for my phone. Keys. ID. Wallet. Mascara. IPod. Huh. I dumped it out onto my bed, spreading the contents out. No phone. I unzipped the outside pocket. It wasn't there. I checked the inside pocket. Nothing but tampons and an old lip balm.

I grabbed my house phone and dialed my cell. It rang three times and was about to go into voicemail when someone picked up.

"Hello Bella," Derek said.

"What are you doing with my phone?" I asked.

"I found it under my desk," he said. "I guess the kids didn't see it when they were picking up your bag for you."

"Well, can you just turn it off and give it to me tomorrow? Save the battery for me."

There was a long pause.

"Derek?" I asked.

"I'm thinking that I need to give this to Red."

"Come on," I said, feeling the beginnings of panic. Had he gone through my phone? "Are things so bad now that you can't even see me to give me back my phone? Can't we just be grown ups?"

"It's not that, Bella," he said. "Look, this is really difficult, but, I just think Red needs to know about your relationship with Edward Cullen," he said.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I saw the text messages. I saw the call log."

"That's a violation of my privacy. And you can't prove anything."

"Red can decide what he wants to do with the information," he said. "I know you'll hate me for this, but deep down you know I'm right. Bella, you need help. You're going to ruin your life."

I hung up, shaking so bad I thought I might go into convulsions.


I sat on the couch shaking, unable to calm myself. I had no idea what to think. I had no idea what to do. Should I quit my job? Should I confess, turn myself in? Should I call Edward’s parents? Should I check myself into a psychiatric hospital?

My mind raced and I could not get my body to stop shaking. I was in some state of emotional shock. I needed to calm the fuck down.

I went back into the bathroom and pulled the Klonopin out. I had two left. I took them and went back into the living room and tried to breathe.

In the morning, I'll turn myself in. I'll talk to Red myself and then check myself into a psychiatric hospital, I thought. I will not allow Derek to drive my fate. He was right—I needed help, but I wanted it on my terms, not the terms of a judge. And not from prison, if I could avoid prison.

I pulled my wedding album from the shelf. You were a good person, Bella. You can be a good person again, I told myself.

I flipped to the first page. I wanted to remember who I was when I was worthy of love. I wanted to remember Zack. I silently begged him not to hate the person I had become.

I pulled the Grey Goose out of the liquor cabinet. A toast, I thought. Just one. I'll drink it slow.

I turned to the shots of our rehearsal dinner. His father making speeches in front of slides of us as children. My father choked up as he danced with me the evening before he’d walk me down the aisle. See? I had been a good person.

When I started drinking, I told myself I was just going to drink enough to take the edge off. Just enough to stop trembling and to fall asleep. But when the edge came off, I no longer cared how much I drank.

I flipped the page over to my wedding. There I was, in my white princess dress. I had been so young. A baby, really. Couldn’t even legally drink. Yet in these photos where I was so young and innocent, I was still older than Edward was now. My heart sank with the realization.

I turned the page. Zack was standing with his groomsmen, so handsome in his uniform. I took out our first photo as husband and wife and held it between my fingers. We’d had our whole lives ahead of us.

Down came the tears. So, so many tears. I remembered then what it felt like to be good. But it didn’t matter because even as I tried to immerse myself in that memory, I thought of Edward and how much I still wished he would return.

I needed some water. The edges of my vision went fuzzy and there was a red haze creeping in. I stood up and took a step, and then everything went black.

I don't know how much later it was, but I realized I was not actually in my body—I was standing next to myself, watching as vomit began to dribble out of the side of my mouth.

Oh no, I thought. Oh shit. What have you done, Bella? You're choking. Wake up wake up you're going to choke. No, no, no, fuck. Please wake up. I hovered near myself, but I couldn't find the way back in.

Someone was yelling my name. It sounded distant, like maybe it was from the road. Then I saw Edward streak across the living room to the floor where my body lay. Don't let me die, Edward. Please don't let me die.

“No… Bella… No… ” he called, but he sounded so far away. He picked my limp body off the floor and stuck his hand in my mouth and leaned me over. I watched the vomit spill onto the rug. He pulled out his phone and dialed.

“Carlisle, you’ve got to get over here. Now. She OD’d.” He dropped the phone and dragged my body into the bathroom, blasted the shower and threw me in. Then he slapped my face, but I couldn’t feel anything because I was still outside. I marveled as a huge red mark spread across my jaw, covering the place where he’d struck me.

“Please Bella, don’t die. You can’t die.” He put his ear to my chest and I desperately wanted to respond to him. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was. This was not supposed to happen. I was supposed to turn myself in. To try to be a good person again. Please don't feel bad. He had to know it wasn’t his fault. It was my fault. But I couldn’t speak because I didn't know how to get back into my body.

Then he buried his head in my neck and as the water was streaming over us, he let out the most mournful sound I’d ever heard in my life. I watched in agony as he put his mouth on my neck and then I felt something terrible.

Piercing, liquid fire entered my veins right at the base of my throat. Shards of glass lit with acid started to course through me. Hell. I’d died and gone to hell. I began to scream and kept screaming with agonizing pain and terror and then I opened my eyes. Edward pulled away from me, horrified, blood dripping from the corners of his open mouth.

“Make it stop!” I screamed at him. The acid began to spread thoughout my body, into my organs which began to ache as a rapid rigidity set in. I willed myself to leave my body again, but I couldn’t go, couldn’t escape the fire that burned me alive from inside.

“Kill me kill me kill me make it stop! Please!” I implored him.

He dragged me from the shower and laid me soaking wet across the bathroom floor. In seconds I had become paralyzed, unable to move on my own volition, yet I lay grotesquely twitching.

He leaned over me and said, “I love you, Bella. I’m so sorry.” And then he wrapped his lips around the fiery wound and began to suck.

How can I describe the relief I felt as his ice cold mouth pulled the infected blood from my body? I felt lighter than light, like an essence. An idea, pure in form. I experienced a realm of delight so intense it couldn’t exist anywhere on earth, it couldn’t possibly be felt by mere mortals, yet I felt it more keenly than I’d ever felt anything. I began to hallucinate wild images from the forest. The white bear was standing over us, and then she faded slowly like a projected image in a lightening room.

The pain I had been experiencing was obliterated from my memory and then there was no discomfort of any kind anywhere, in any part of my body, in any part of my mind. Nirvana. I began to moan softly, disintegrating with the elation I felt as he continued to draw my blood. Then I climaxed under him, finally, as he was draining me of the last remnants of my life. He continued to suck and suck and suck and I felt my spirit lifting again, ready to leave for good when a loud and violent sound crushed my euphoria.

Carlisle and Emmett broke into the room where we were.

“Edward! Stop!” Carlisle commanded as he and Emmett pulled Edward with all of their force off of me.

Edward snarled like a ravenous lion pulled off a doe and struck Emmett in his attempt to get back to me. Emmett threw him to the floor with such force he cracked the bathroom tile. He held him down as Edward continued to fight. Edward looked over at me, again horrified, his eyes glowing red like a demon’s.

Alice and Jasper came bursting in then.

"Are we too late?" Alice cried. "Is she dead?"

"Not yet," Carlisle said. "Alice, go down to the hospital and steal twelve units of blood and bring it back to the house."

"What type?" she asked, panicky.

"O negative," he said. "And hurry. Jasper, Emmett, take your brother out to the woods. If Jasper can't calm him down, beat him senseless." Then he lifted me off the floor. “I’m so sorry Miss Swan. Please, please forgive us."

Eclipse Premiere Pt. I of...???: Twitards Get Ready [Hic!] Spoiler-Free!

So we're going to wait a little bit to give everyone a little time to see Eclipse for the first (and second and third) time before we start discussing the actual movie. Although I WILL say right now that we all thought it was great - you'd better get on that if you haven't seen already (and you have the means) because we're not going to wait long! Latchkey Wife may or may not have offered David Slade sexual favors so that she can truly express her gratification for his not fucking this up... Or maybe her tweet to him just said "Thanks!" and that she wanted to give him a big hug or something but we all know her and even if the "extras" were not specifically offered, they were certainly implied. Regardless, we had an AWESOME few days here at Twitarded Central and THAT we are ready to tell you all about! We've got a lot to say on this so expect lots and lots of details over the next few days...

You can consider this the pre-gaming of Eclipse!

As most of you probably already know, LKW trekked on down here to New Jersey to attend the Volturi Ventures Eclipse Experience with us in New York City (we were not allowed to announce this earlier or blog about it or we would have!). We had never met Latchkey in person before, although we all talk to each other a gazillion times a day in one way or another. I am in such constant contact with Jenny Jerkface that Mr. Snarky calls her "his second wife" [sans sexual favors] and LKW is... what? the slutty mistress [sans sexual favors]? Yeah that works...

We were here!

Anyway, unfortunately JJ had to work on Monday (something about "billing" and "month/quarter-end closing" and some-odd bullshit like that - ugh!) and so did Mr. Snarky (blah blah "editorial deadlines" blah blah). So I was the only one here to greet LKW at the end of her journey. And I say "unfortunately" because I'm a tad...socially awkward. JJ And Mr. Snarky are my social buffers. I need them. You might not guess (or maybe you do?) given the fact that I willingly share intimate details of my life (and girly-parts) with thousands of people on a regular basis that I am actually sorta uncomfortable around people. But it's true. Perhaps I should have considered this before inviting a hundred and fifty or so of my Twi-besties to come hang with me in Forks, but I am convinced that with just the right mix of hand-holding, alcohol, anti-anxiety medication, and stunt doubles, I'll be just fine.

Things went so well with LKW that I am thinking I'll do fine! I've never had "online friends" before so I had no idea what to expect when we made the leap to standing-in-front-of-me friends. Seriously, she had warned us that there would be hugging and we'd warned her we're not big huggers and then I nearly swept her off her feet and leg-hitched her right there in my front hallway I was so excited to see her in the flesh (get your minds out of the gutter - she was fully clothed)! There was ZERO awkwardness. It was like a seamless transition from online to on-my-couch - like we were having a Skype video chat and she just stepped though the computer screen and into my living room without missing a beat. It was aweeeee-soooome.

Plus she brought wine! In a cute bottle! I am a sucker for good packaging...

And on Tuesday, things just got better.

I put my fair share into planning for Tuesday. Outfit picked out? Check. Much whining and cursing done over the fact that it would be 95 degrees and humid that day? Check.

Note: not sure what worked or if it was the combo of all the products above, but my hair had NO frizz! And it was HOT! and HUMID! I won't go into details but parts of me might need medical attention to recover from the hours-long swampiness... But it's all good practice for Forks, right???

Our bloggy friend Munkee made us this amazing tote and I loaded it up with all the essentials! [Thanks Munkee!!!]

This pic doesn't do it justice... It's adorable!

...and it has an inside pocket with one of our fave RPatts outtakes on it!

I loaded up some refreshments to keep up morale while we waited in line...

Dangrdafne sent me this thermos and it became my new fave flask! It kept our voddie all nice and chilled...

Look after my heart...
Oh wait--that's just a mysteriously suspended raspberry in the vodka infusion I was making for the big night!

I brought some good-for-me snacks...

...but didn't get to them because I had a super-healthy meal of chicken fingers and french fries at 5:00 and then didn't eat anything else but Skittles and alcohol until we got together for brunchy food and mimosas Wednesday morning...

JFTR - these Skittles - the "fizzy" ones - suuuuuck!

We all made THIS face when we tried them. Possibly worse.

I'm sticking with Crazy Cores from now on...

There was going to be a lot of apprehensive lip-licking going on, so I had to make sure I packed my favorite lip balm...

Just in case I needed a nice moist pucker that night for someone special who may have been in NYC at the time if his people didn't warn him about us and scare him off... or maybe I am just addicted to lip balm...

If I can go off on a small tangent for a moment, the super-nice folks at Lotions & Lotions sent JJ and me these organic, vegan, and handmade goodies a while ago - the lip balm is excellent and smells delish! Plus they have other great skincare products, too - check them out!

Loved all their stuff - go to HERE to take a look! They have "Bella Shimmer" lip balm too - yum (plus they are on sale now)!

We all added a few accessories (including the beaded heart bracelets that LKW made for all of us!) and we were on our way! SQUEEE!!!

Team Twitarded, activate!

So how did you get ready for The Big Night? Or how are you getting ready for it if you are still waiting for it to come out [and we are truly sorry for those of you who have to wait... but it's worth waiting for!]???

Email us your stories!! Email us your photos!! We've already received some pics from Twitards out and about, sporting Twilight or Twitarded gear, and we would love to see more so that we can write about them/share them in the days to come - you know where to find us (our emails are at the bottom of the page - get scrolling!).

Can't wait to talk about the details of the actual movie - hope everyone had an amazing night and loved it as much as we all did!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Eclipse Premiere TONIGHT!!! HIP HIP H00RAY!!

Eclipse time is finally upon us.  Team Twitarded is armed with cameras, smart phones and possibly a little booze and we are heading to the Big Apple for the premiere of the movie we've been desperately waiting for since, well, a while.

Needless to say, we won't be around blogland this evening. However, follow us on Twitter if you want the latest shenanigans and possible RPattz sightings. Well, definitely the former and not the latter, at least.

And if I get drunk enough I just may moon Latchkey Wife. I think she kinda deserves it. [Note from Latchkey Wife: you're not going to need to get drunk to do that.]

We don't want to leave you high and dry so... enjoy.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Where will YOU be for Eclipse?

Okay, Twitards -- it's almost time!! One day until Eclipse premieres!!

Last year, Snarkier Than You and I planned out the New Moon premiere night like we were going head to head with the Volturi AND Victoria's vampy ahhhmay. I mean, it was some serious preparation. But this year we've taken a slightly more... laid back position and, well, really haven't done shit.

Don't get me wrong, our tickets are reserved, bars in the area are being scoped out and our cameras and video recorders are being charged as we speak. We were newbies as far as blogging goes when we went to see New Moon, since Twitarded was spawned a few months after Twilight had hit the theaters.

Like most things, we were late to the Twilight party. Meh, at least we're consistent.

But we're ready to do this, mother fuckers. You see, on Tuesday, Snarkier Than You and I are heading into New York City to watch the premiere of Eclipse. Even better, Latchkey Wife is HERE!!! from North Bumblefuck Maine to join us! [Note from LKW: Squeeeeeeee!]

I can't be certain but I'm almost positive this is Latchkey Wife's digs... 

It will be the first time the Twitarded trifecta will be together. If you start seeing locusts or the oceans run red with blood, you'll know why.

Anyhoo, it's going to be, like, a katrillion degrees in New York on Tuesday so I'm also packing a lot of wet-wipes to battle any potential swamp ass and I'm even bringing a sharpie in case a certain smexy young Brit is lurking around the big apple. Hey, you never know. I might even share my wet-wipes with him.

Oh mah gahd, I'm going to be in the SAME city as the psycho bitches from Twitarded?!!

What are YOUR plans for the big day? Are you going to battle the tweens and cougahs and hit the theaters? Are you going to take a possibly more practical approach and wait until the fervor dies down before going to the movies? Perhaps you're going to just say "fuck it" and plan a big ol' party with your Twi-minded friends the night of the premiere and sit around and watch Twilight and New Moon. We want to know what your plans are!

Regardless, I'm beyond stoked that I get to partake in the mayhem that is opening night of a Twilight saga movie. I know that many of you will opt to wait until the weekend to venture to the theaters, which probably makes you a fuck-lot smarter than us. Because of that we will refrain from totally dishing on the flick for a few days. I guess I'll just have to talk about my vagina or farting or something instead.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Eclipse. Robert Pattinson. Fart Jokes. EW Has It All!

[Very minor spoiler alert... like microscopic but those of you who are pure as the driven snow may want to not read the interview parts - the tent scene is mentioned!]

If you're anything like me and you subscribe to Entertainment Weekly, Saturday is a very big day. The day you nearly tackle the mailman to get your grubby paws on the latest entertainment news. Some weeks it even arrives in my mailbox on Friday (which totally makes me think that my mail carrier is stealing it for a quick read before depositing it in the box on Saturday...hmmm...)

Hey, that's it? Where the FUCK is my Entertainment Weekly, you asstard??

My husband is such a good boy... he always tells me if someone good is on the cover. A few issues ago he said "your vampires are on your magazine." I squealed just a bit, but then realized it was the True Blood crew... *sigh*. Not that I don't love a nice True Blood cover but since I'm only a few episodes into Season 2, I try to stay away from Season 3 spoilers. Which is hard.

So imagine how massively disappointed I was when Mr. Latchkey Wife failed to tell me exactly who was on the cover this week! I located the fucking magazine under a pile of mail and lost my shit when I see Robward and Taycob getting all snuggly, snuggly on the cover. It makes me think someone out there is looking out for me because I got the boys on my cover!

But duuuuuude, who the fuck set up this photo shoot? Come ON!

KStew's cover was pretty hot too... I'm glad to see that gawd awful mullet has grown out. I had a mullet once... in 19-fucking-86 and seriously, that shit should just be outlawed.

Um, hi... I wish my hair looked all blowy 24-7!

I thought it was a very funny interview. I fucking laughed right out loud at a few parts - mostly shit Rob said because damn, that cat is funny! Here are some of my favorite highlights of the interview.

The interviewer asked Rob and Taylor about "some pretty serious confrontations in this movie."
Pattinson: Every single time we had to do a threatening thing to each other - for one thing, you always have your shirt off, and so in the tent scene I literally grabbed your breast. And it's very difficult to remain in the moment. Also, in that tent scene, I can't really get over the fact that the word thought sounds like fart.

Stewart: The word thought does not sound like fart.

Pattinson: It does.

Stewart: Maybe because you are an English person. [I love this, btw!]

Pattinson: The opening line of that scene is "Can you at least keep your farts to yourself?" I couldn't quite get over that.
And this is the sole reason I think RPattz is a huge closet Twitarded fan and actually may frequent Jenny Jerkface's infamous "poop in RPattz's trailer" post. And it makes me love him even more, if that's even humanly possible. I want to hear him say fart. You realize I'm going to bust the fuck out laughing during the movie when he says this, right? I hope no one minds...

A few questions later, the interviewer asks "Rob, what's the secret to not having to take your shirt off?"
Pattinson: Don't work out. I just kept telling everyone why I needed to take my shirt off in a scene, and everyone else had to think of reasons why I shouldn't. "No, I don't think so - Edward is much more chaste than that."
Stewart: "He is modest. He is much more modest."

Pattinson: Then I'd say, "No, seriously - I would like to wear a really tight tank top and have my belly come out of the bottom. And have some sweat on it, too."
Jeezus Mother Fucking Hamster Fucker [thanks Myg]!! Why isn't this guy doing some comedy?? He's fucking funny as all get out and funny gets you laid in my book. Yes Rob, that's an offer. A standing offer. It never expires. He seems to do a lot more joking around in recent interviews, which just goes to show that the more comfortable RPattz seems to get with these shindigs, the funnier he is...

While Kristen might have her arm around Taylor's neck, she's grabbing RPattz's ass which would explain the smile...

I won't ruin the rest of the interview for you, but trust me, it's very entertaining! I know it makes me barely able to focus on anything right now because I'm so fucking excited to see this movie I can't contain myself. So. Fucking. Excited! Even EW cover headline says it's "The Best Twilight Movie So Far! (Seriously)" and as far as I'm concerned, EW is my bible. I have very high hopes! With all the buzz out there, what are your feelings on Eclipse?

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Osa Bella - Chapter 19 "Memorial Day" [Twilight FanFiction]

There was a little rumor, (started by me, actually, since I am a dumbass) that maybe there’d be two chapters posted tonight. Alas, try as I might, I could only eek out one. I’m sorry!

Some of you have become hip to the fact that Osa Bella is already a complete fic, meaning, I’ve already written the entire thing, and I know how, where, and when it will end. Originally I debated whether or not to just release the entire thing as a complete work, but I decided against it for a number of reasons. The biggest of these was so that I’d have more time to improve it before it posted.

I’m told that the real work of writing is in this process I’m in now--revision. And I’m finding this to be really true, in that reworking the chapters for posting here is a hell of a lot more work than writing them the first time. And because of that, my very ambitious twice a week multiple chapter posting schedule has become a bit of a “holy-fucking-god-was-I-out-of-my-mind?” kind of situation. (I’ve never done this before, folks. It’s a learning experience.)

Anyway, what’s happened is that I’ve gutted and re-written the entire middle section of this story, and it has taken me a lot more time than I realized it would. So I really, really, REALLY wanted to give you all two chapters tonight (er, you’ll see why...) but because half of the new chapter 20 isn’t actually written yet, it’s simply not possible.

I could just slap it together, but you all deserve better than that. And while I still intend to keep the Wednesday/Saturday schedule going, please know that it may have to be just one chapter at a time. At least for now. I know you guys understand, because you are the most amazing, bestest readers on the planet and I thank my lucky stars every damn day to have you. I want to throw you all a picnic.

Since some of you have asked, I will let you know that the complete Osa Bella is somewhere around thirty chapters. I can’t tell you exactly how many, because I have added and deleted chapters along the way, and (Mr. Myg might kill me right about now) I can totally see more getting added to the later chapters. I do promise to let you know before we get to the last chapter. (And I am kind of sort of dreading that day now.)


In other news? Holy shit guess what?! Team Osa Bella now has over 80 members and has already raised over $2000 for Alex’s Lemonade Stand through The Fandom Gives Back Eclipse edition auction!

I was at a family party today, a graduation celebration for two of my nieces and was really missing Amanda, so so much. She normally would have been the one planning, organizing, running the show. I wanted to tell her about all of you and how wonderful you are and how much she’d love you. In my mind she said, “Awesome.”

Because that’s what you all are.

You can still join us - anytime until the auction closes on 7/2. Just go here and make your pledge.

And one last thing. I am offering a professionally printed, bound copy of the complete Osa Bella for auction. You can bid on that here. But another thing? When the auction ends, we will select a random member of Team Osa Bella to receive copy as well. (If you don’t want to be included in the drawing, please email me at mygdala @ gmail and we’ll take your name out of the hat).

Now, as for Chapter 19, “Memorial Day,” when we last left it, Edward and Bella were laying next to each other on Bella’s bed. There might have been a leghitch involved, but that was off camera so we really don’t know. What we do know is that Edward dropped a real bombshell on our Bells. One that left her a bit confused.
"Bella," Edward said. "You have no idea how long I've waited for you. And I will wait for you forever, if that's what it takes."
“You know nothing about forever,” I said. “Forever is a lie.

“That is where you are very mistaken,” he said.
That catches us up. Good luck in chapter 19. Here’s your .pdf (hopefully not a broken one this time) and see you all in the comments.


Chapter 19

Memorial Day

"I don't understand," I said, but the words felt soft and unconvincing, like I was trying to speak my way out of a dream. "What do you mean?"

He pressed his lips to mine, but it wasn't a kiss of passion this time. It was a kiss goodbye. Soft, adoring, and full of sorrow.

"I love you," he said. "And I'm sorry."

I wanted to let him know I loved him, too. I wanted to beg him to stay. But upon hearing him finally say he loved me, I had my moment of clarity. And I had to let him go.

He pulled away and I knew. He wouldn't be coming back.


It was the third night in a row that I'd encountered the beast of emptiness. It had a personality to me now, a face, and a voice that said, You are fucked, Bella Swan. I will devour you slowly, painfully, until not even your memories remain. It was my nemesis, and it was right there again, in my bedroom.

The first two nights it had been borne on the back of Derek who'd left me stranded in the shadow of a dead future. Edward, right or wrong, had gotten that beast to back down with a single glance, had sent it packing and crying for its mother. But that emptiness left by Derek? It was a small kitten, soft and warm compared to the terrifying black hole that was left in Edward's wake.

As soon as he'd left the room, silently, without a glance back, I felt like everything I held dear about life itself had left me.

I screamed into the darkness. Screamed so loud I half expected a neighbor to knock on my door.
"Zachary, how could you leave me? You should have taken me with you!"

How had I ever let my loneliness take me to such a wretched place as this? How had I allowed myself to fall in love with a seventeen year old boy? How had I allowed him to fall in love with me? This was worse than my worst depression in Jersey, and I never would have believed I could go lower than that.

I pulled myself off the bed and fished the Percocet bottle out of my purse. On the couch, I sat holding it, and then I opened the cap and spilled the remaining pills out and counted. Eighteen.

"I'm not doing this," I said to the empty room. "I would never do this." I know what it does to people to lose someone they love, and there was no worse way to die on someone than to take yourself out. I wouldn't do this to Charlie and I wouldn't do it to Edward. He'd never forgive himself. I wouldn't do it to the students. I simply wouldn't do it.

Get a grip, Bella. Get a fucking grip.

Right. I'm not doing this. I would never do it.

I put all the pills back except two. Those I took to subdue the throbbing in my ankle and in my head from all the screaming. Then I fell back on the couch and sleep rolled in like a heavy fog.


I didn't wake up until after 9 a.m. Friday morning, when my cell rang.

"Bella are you all right? Where the hell are you?" Red asked.

"I overslept," I said. "I'm sorry. I was going to call out today."

"I was worried when you didn't show up."

"Edward didn't come and slit my throat last night, if that's what you were afraid of."

Red paused. "How's your leg?"

"It hurts like hell," I said. "I'm going to stay off of it for the rest of the weekend."

"Good plan. Enjoy the long weekend."

Right. Enjoy the long Memorial Day weekend—enjoy the holiday on which I was supposed to honor my dead husband's sacrifice for the nation. But I hadn't participated in a single Memorial Day event since Zack died. My avoidance had always made me feel guilty. But my awareness made me realize how little ground I'd covered in my journey through grief.

I thought I might never get through it. If I was closing in on six years after his death and I still felt this bad, maybe I just always would.

I rolled over and put the pillow over my head. I wanted to fall back to sleep, but I kept hearing Edward's last words to me replaying, over and over, like a traumatic memory. "…when it's over and your time has come? I will be there, waiting."

What the fuck did he mean? He had to be manic. He'd lost his temporal sense. He was probably obsessive, too. And the mind reading? Maybe he was just a highly empathic person. That would explain his ability to be so sensitive to other people's feelings and thoughts. That could look like mind reading. Right? He could talk himself into believing that, with thoughts of grandeur and sleep deprivation as part of a manic episode.

Maybe he was having some Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. The poor kid had come apart, and I had probably been the one to push him over the edge. I took two Percocets and lay back on the couch and fell asleep for four merciful hours.


"Bella?" Charlie was shaking my shoulder, rousing me out of a heavy, heavy slumber. "I heard you were a no show today at school. You all right?"

"Yeah," I mumbled through the stupor of severe lethargy. "Just overslept. I took off so I can stay off my ankle."

He dropped a sandwich on me and sat in the chair across from where I lay on the couch.

"Rough week."

I nodded. I didn't touch the sandwich.

"You need anything?"

"No," I said, covering my eyes with my hand.

"Listen, I'm sorry I wasn't more compassionate about your break up with Derek."

I smiled at Charlie's carefully chosen word. "It's okay, Dad. I'm sure he saved me a divorce."
He walked over to me and gave me a quick kiss on the top of my head, and I teared up a little. If he knew what I had done to Edward, and what I had been willing to do, he would never look at me the same again.

"I'll be by tomorrow," he said. "Call me if you need anything."

After he was gone, I closed my eyes again and prayed for sleep to return, but it didn't. Instead I was tortured with regret. Why did I call Edward to me late at night? Why did I try to seduce him? Why did I fall completely apart in front of him when he told me, honestly, that he couldn't give me what I wanted? I'd known it all along. How could I do those things to him? What kind of mess was I?


Two bowls of cereal, one apple, a can of soup, four pieces of dry toast. That's what I ate over the next two days from my little encampment on the couch. I couldn't bear going back in the bedroom. I tried to read, to watch television but I couldn't focus on anything but the pain in my ankle and terrible ache in my soul.

Sunday afternoon, Charlie came to check on me, looking more stressed out even though I'd done my best to act cool. I hated when he worried.

"I'll pick you up at five tomorrow," he said as he was dropped off Chinese take out that I wouldn't touch. He was having the Clearwaters and the Blacks over for burgers, Rainiers, baseball. Exactly what I didn't want to do.

"I need to stay home and rest," I said. "My ankle is really messed up and I've got to work on Tuesday. It's the last week of school."

"Jake will be there," he said.


"I thought he might cheer you up."

"I'm not depressed," I said. He looked at me with that very concerned Dad face and that killed me. "What?"

"I don't know what to do here, Bella," he said. "I'm worried."

"There's nothing for you to worry about. I broke my ankle the same week I got dumped by my fiancé. I'm allowed to feel shitty."

"You haven't showered in three days."

I cringed. "So don't smell me then."

"Bella," he said. "I know Memorial Day is a rough day for you and I don't want you here alone."

"Fine. Pick me up tomorrow then. And I promise to bathe first."


Monday afternoon I finally showered and got dressed. I pulled my hair into a loose ponytail and opened the medicine cabinet. I really wanted to drink, so I decided not to take any pain pills and hoped I could just deal with the throbbing without being a baby.

As I was putting on mascara I heard my front door crack open. “Bella?” Jake called, letting himself in. “Where the hell are you?”

“Bathroom,” I called to him. He came and stood the bathroom door, and I was happier to see him than I thought I would be. “I thought Charlie was picking me up.”

“It was on my way," he said, then looked down at me. "Holy shit, you’re wearing a skirt? What the hell happened to your leg?”

“I tripped.”


“I was almost killed by a bear.”

“No way.”

“Yeah, actually. I chased a kid who ran into the woods and I tripped. There was a very pissed off black bear…” How the hell was I going to explain this?

“No shit?”

“You know Jake, it was so crazy. The kid ran off to get help and the bear came right to me. I was so sure it was going to kill me, but something got to it.”

“What do you mean, something got to it?”

“I don’t know. The bear was coming for me, then the next thing I knew it was being dragged off in the woods. But what kind of animal could just drag a bear off like that?”

He grew quiet. “Well I’m glad you’re all right.”

“You know something.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Jacob, I’m not stupid. What do you think carried that bear off?” He backed out of the bathroom and I followed him into the kitchen.

“Are you ready to go?”

“You’re not answering my question.”

“Bella, how would I know? I wasn’t there. Nothing can carry off a bear as far as I know, okay?”

“Could it have been a human?”

“You said it carried a bear—what do you think?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I imagined the whole thing.”

“Loca," he said. "Are you in a lot of pain?”

“I'm fine," I said. I wasn't, but I wanted to drink so sacrifices had to be made. "And by the way, Derek and I broke up."

“Charlie told me,” he said. “So you finally dumped him?”

“It was the other way around.”

“What a tool.” He gave me a supportive look. “He didn’t know how lucky he was.”

That was the first time I smiled in days.


At Charlie's house, a lawn chair was set up in the back yard for me. I lounged with my foot up and drank a Rainier from a can as I watched Charlie grill hamburgers. Billy pulled up next to me in his wheelchair.

"You're gonna burn those," he said to Charlie. "You've got the fire too high."

"Shut the hell up," Charlie said. "My grill, I decide how high the fire goes."

"You need anything?" Jake asked. He picked up my beer can and shook it. "I'll get you a fresh one."

"I should injure myself more often," I said. He winked at me and went to the cooler.

Leah came and pulled up a chair next to me and Billy. "Jake says you found somebody from the UW who can talk to the old man," she said.

"Yeah," I said. "She'll be coming out here next week. I hope she can understand him or at least figure out what dialect he's speaking."

"Me too," she said, looking frustrated. "He's getting really stressed out. Yesterday he wandered into the elementary school and was drawing bear pictures with the kids' crayons. He's trying to communicate something."

"Sounds like he's regressing," I said. "Probably some form of dementia."

"Come on," Seth interrupted. "I want to get a round of buzzed horseshoes in before the ballgame starts."

"Mariners against the Yankees?" I said. "It's going to be brutal."

"Yeah, for the Yankees."

Charlie, Seth and Billy started to argue baseball and I fell quiet as I took in this extended family of mine. I should be grateful. I should not wallow. I will not wallow. I cracked the fresh beer and drank a quarter of it.

Sue brought the food out to the picnic table—macaroni salad, coleslaw, deviled eggs, and piled a plate high for me, gesturing for me to have a seat. Jake helped me out of the lawn chair to the table, and we drank and ate and I found myself relieved to partake in the picnic banter, sliding into the looseness of beer soaked tongues that floated in the backyard as we quibbled over sports and grilling technique.
And I started to feel a little better.

"You're losing weight," Sue said, looking at me concerned.

"Really?" I said.

Jake pinched my side. "You're skin and bones, Bells," he said.

"Give me some more potato salad then." Sue smiled and put a helping on my plate. I caught Charlie looking over at me, his face the most relaxed it had been in days.

"A toast," Jake said. "To Bella's new single status."

I blushed, but raised my can. "Hear, hear," I said. "And good riddance."

 Everyone laughed and raised their beer cans and took long, enthusiastic pulls.

"I always thought he was a twat," Jake said.

"You only met him once," I said. "And we weren't even dating then."

"I could tell the first time I met him he was a twat," he said. "I told you not to marry him."

"So you were right," I said, getting annoyed. "What can I say?"

Sue shot Jake a look and shook her head and then got up to clean the table, Charlie and Leah helping her. "Is it margarita time yet?" I asked.

"Hell yes," Seth disappeared into the kitchen and I smiled as I heard the blender.

"So what happened with him, anyway?" Jake asked.

"He's an asshole, that's what happened," I said, giving Billy a smirk, who was looking expectantly at me. "We got into an argument over religion."

"I knew it," Jake said.

"He broke up with me the day after I broke my ankle. The day one of my favorite kids tried to kill himself. I'd been at the hospital all day and when I came home he dumped me."

"What a dick," Leah said, sitting back down at the table.

"Right?" I said. Seth came out and handed me a frozen margarita and I raised my glass to him and drank.

"He really is an asshole," Jake said.

"No shit," I said. The alcohol was warming me up, and loosening my tongue. "And as if breaking up with me wasn't enough? The next day he came into work and reported to my boss that a student had been stalking me. Just to start shit."

"Stalking you?" Billy said. "A student?"

I took another drink and felt my brain warble a little. "It was all bullshit."

"Who was it, Bella?" Jake asked.

"Who was what?" I said.

"The stalker."

"There was no stalker," I said.

"Edward Cullen," Charlie said, overhearing our conversation as he and Sue walked back outside. Sue sat an apple pie down in front of me and looked sharply at Charlie over her shoulder.

"Bella, are you being stalked by a Cullen?" Jake asked, his eyes turning deadly serious.

"Of course not," I said. "Dad?" What the fucking fuck are you doing? I wanted to add.

"I went out and spoke to him and his parents," Charlie said.

"How do you know the Cullens?" I asked.

"The Cullens are neighbors," Billy said.

"They don't live at La Push," I said.

"Our families go back," Billy said. "We don't like them—we've had problems with them hunting on our land."

I tried to set my facial expression to a neutral tone, like I would if I was conducting a counseling session and someone had confessed something horrid, like a gruesome murder or a rape. But it was very hard to do so buzzed.

"You okay?" Jake asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I'm just tired. I hate Memorial Day."

"Want to go home?"

I nodded.


Back at my house, Jake helped me out of the car but was looking all around, as though he was paranoid about something. "Are you being followed, Jake?" I joked.

"I thought I smelled something."

"I don't smell anything."

"It's going away now."

"How much did you drink?"

"Not enough. You still have Tequila in your liquor cabinet?"

"A little."

"Good. Let's get drunk."

"Oh my God, are you kidding me?"

"You're already halfway there."

"Aren't you going back to the party?"

"Why? Are you kicking me out?"

"No," I said. "Of course not. It's been a long time since we hung out."

"You were engaged, remember?"

"Don't remind me."

We went in and I lay down on the couch. Jake turned on the baseball game and brought the Tequila bottle out and set it on the coffee table. “Where are your limes?”

“No limes,” I said.

He poured two shots. “Have some salt,” he said.

I took a lick of salt and threw back the shot. It burned, but in a good way. I looked at Jacob and let out a heavy sigh. He looked good. He always looked good. He was wearing a black fitted t-shirt and a pair of nicely worn in jeans. Workboots. His biceps bulged through his sleeves. He grinned at me as he took a shot and then poured me another.

“I’m not doing that. I just had one.”

“Come on, lighten up,” he teased. “Let’s play a game. If I guess something true about you, you have to do a shot. If you guess something about me, I’ll do one.”

“That’s the stupidest game ever, Jake. Who would play that?”

“You haven’t been laid in over a year,” he said. I shook my head at him and drank the shot. He laughed. “You should do something about that.”

“Tell me about it.” I looked at him crossly. “You know something about whatever it was that attacked that bear that you’re not telling me,” I said. Jacob took a shot. “You have to tell me,  Jacob—it’s driving me insane.”

“You’re wearing a thong,” he said.

I shook my head. “Nope.”

“That’s a shame,” he said.

“You’re on steroids,” I said, looking at his enormous shoulders.

“No, thank you very much. Can’t a guy work out a little without everybody thinking he’s on steroids?” He poured two more shots. “You’ll have to guess better or I’m never getting drunk.”

“Your turn,” I said.

“You're not telling the truth about Edward Cullen." He narrowed his eyes at me, a direct challenge. Bastard. He knew I could never keep my mouth shut when I was drunk.

"You're not telling me the truth about Edward Cullen," I fired back. He took a shot.

"You have to tell me," I said. "What do you know?"

"What do you care?" he asked, accusingly. "Was he here?"

"No," I said. "Of course not."

"Bullshit," he said. "Do not let him near you, Bella. I mean it."

"What the fuck are you talking about? He doesn't come near me. He's a student."

"Why are you so interested in him, then?"

"It's just because of Derek," I said. "He said some really weird things about him."

"Like what?"

"He said Edward was possessed by the devil," I said.

Jake scoffed. "Really? Those Christians give Satan all the credit, don't they?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Jake?"

"You're going out of town next weekend,” he said, and pushed another shot in my direction.

“No, I’m not.” I said, puzzled. "It's graduation."

“Yes, you are. I’m taking you.”


“How about Vancouver?” he asked. “You need to get out of Forks for a bit, don’t you think? Change of scenery.”

I did the shot.

“Good. We can leave right after the graduation ceremony.” He leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I felt dizzy and my face was hot.

“Oh shit,” I mumbled. “I’m really wasted.”

“You need some air,” Jacob said as he saw my skin flush with color. He poured me a glass of water and I took a long drink. “Drink it slow or you’ll puke.” He pulled me to my feet and I staggered. “Great, now you’ll break the other leg.” He hoisted me into his arms and carried me to the front porch. He sat me down on the swing and sat next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders.

"Why couldn't you just fall in love with me?" I mumbled, drunkenly. "Do you have any idea the trouble you could have saved me if we'd gotten together a year ago?"

"Oh shit," he said. "Come on, Bella. Don't do this."

"I'm sorry," I said, leaning my head against him and closing my eyes. "I'm just drunk. Ignore me. And don't remind me of any of this tomorrow."

He pulled me into his lap gently and held me. Then he started kissing me, soft and hesitant at first, but as I began to kiss him back his lips pressed harder against mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt his hands slide under my shirt, hot and rough against the skin on my back. I thought of Edward and was disgusted with myself all over again. It wasn't Jake I wanted touching me. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but quiet, hot tears started to stream down my face. Fucking tequila.

“Bella?” Jake stopped kissing me and wiped the tears away. “Talk to me.” I just shook my head silently, keeping my eyes down so he couldn’t see my face. “I’m sorry,” he said and held me. I really started crying then. “Is it Derek? It’s too soon for this?” I shook my head.

“No, it’s not that,” I said, crying.

“I do love you, you know?” he said. “It’s just, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because we’ve known each other so long.” I nodded. “Hey,” he said, “If we’re both still single in three years, I swear I’m going to marry you, okay? It’ll be great. We love each other, we get along great. We’ll have gorgeous babies. Why not?”

“Jake, you shithead.” I pulled myself off his lap, wincing at the pain shooting up my leg from my ankle. “That’s not what I want.”

“Bella,” he said. “I can’t settle down right now.”

“I don’t want you to, asshole!” Of all the fucking nerve!

“What then?” he was confused.

I was really crying then. Sobbing into my hands. “I don’t want to marry you. I want to want to marry you, you know? Does that make sense?”

He exhaled, “Yeah, it does.” He rocked the swing gently and put his arm around me. “Sometimes I feel like I need to settle down too, but then I panic, like I can just hear all these doors slamming closed forever.” I rested my head on his shoulder.

“Do you ever feel like the things you want aren’t good for you?” I asked.

“Jesus Bella, I feel like that every single day.” He sighed. “But, dude? You’re really killing my buzz. Can’t we just go back to making out?”

“So you’re afraid of commitment then?”

“Shhhh.” He pulled me closer and kissed me, hard. I sucked in my breath and felt myself go loose. I could use a good fuck right now, and Jake was definitely a good fuck.

He picked me up off the swing and carried me straight to the bed and put me down gently. “You’re not too drunk for this, are you?” he asked.

“For what?” I started to take my shirt off but he sat down on the bed next to me and took my hands in his.

“I’m serious,” he said. “And I’ll do that, if you don’t mind…”

“I am definitely buzzed,” I said. “But if you don’t fuck me now, I am going to spend the rest of the night spamming your phone with drunken texts and photos of my ass until I pass out.”

“Oh, nice. Like they wouldn’t go right up on the internet.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“You’re right. Your dad’s a cop.” He pulled his shirt over his head and I gaped at his massive pecs.

“Jesus—are you sure you’re not doing steroids?” I felt his biceps. “Supplements? What? You can’t be working out that much.”

“Shut it, Bella,” he said and leaned over me, pushing me back down. He laid his lips against mine, his tongue gliding into my mouth, slippery and hot and tasting of alcohol. He pulled my sweater from my shoulders and moved a hand under my t-shirt. His hot fingers drew imaginary lines on my skin.

I began to ache everywhere. My head, my neck, my stomach, my legs. I felt my back arch slightly under his touch. He slid his hand up my shirt and unhooked my bra. He started to gently tease my nipples with the backs of his fingers and I moaned.

I opened my eyes and he smiled. “You okay?” he asked. My eyes rolled back in my head and I sighed as he pinched my nipple between his forefinger and thumb.

“Yeah,” I breathed out and closed my eyes. “I’m good.”

Jacob leaned over me and kissed me gently, softly wrapping his hand around my breast, stroking it. “How’s your ankle?” he asked.

“It’s not my ankle you need to be worried about right now,” I said and he laughed. Then he tugged roughly at my skirt, popping the button open. I gasped as his hand slid down inside. Then he was kneeling between my legs, easing my skirt down. I watched as he took his pants off and then he stood at the foot of my bed, towering over me. I cringed as I remembered Edward standing in that same spot almost a week ago, looking at me.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I heard Jake open the condom wrapper and then roll it on. Then he was on top of me, pressing himself between my legs. As I felt him hard against me, I just wanted him to get it over with. “Hurry… ” I whispered in his ear.

“What’s the rush?” he asked as he kissed me and then pulled my t-shirt over my head. I was naked under him and he caressed my breast as he held himself over me. He was breathing heavier now, exposing his cool-headed charade. He kissed my neck and his hands strayed over my skin.

“Please, Jake,” I breathed, then took his earlobe between my teeth. I exhaled as he let out a low growl. His body stiffened and his mouth came crushing down on top of mine as I felt him enter me slowly.

“I can never say no to you, can I?” he said as I felt him fill me. I pressed my hips to him to take him fully and winced with the pain of it. It had been a long time.

“You okay?” he whispered as he felt me tense, and held still for a moment. “Really Bella, I don’t want to hurt you and you are kinda drunk.”

“I'm okay,” I said. He moved slowly inside. I sucked my breath in sharply and then began to relax under him. He kissed my neck and shoulder and then covered my mouth with his again, thrusting his tongue deep. I moved my hips, rocking with him, letting him fill the emptiness, even though I knew that when this was over he’d leave and it would come back.

A Little Saturday Morning Video Deliciousness! [Spoiler Alert!!]

I just couldn't resist! The lovely and talented Biel hits another one out of the park! Her video skills just fucking floor me. And when I get the email from YouTube saying that she's posted another masterpiece, I'll admit, I squeeeeee... loudly!

Last weekend, Snarkier Than You did a great mash-up post of aMAZing RPattz videos (click here if you missed it), and she included the incredible Biel video called "Edward [From Twilight to New Moon] Part 1" - a video that I can watch over and over and over again! Have you watched it yet? If for some ridiculous reason, you're the one person in the Twidom who hasn't, go now and watch it. Now... before you watch the new one.

So imagine my delight when I opened my email to find a new Biel video. If I hadn't been sitting on the shitter, I would've done a little happy dance [picture the dance the Peanuts characters do.] The new video is called "Edward [From Twilight to Eclipse] Part 2" - it has tons of Eclipse footage, hence the Spoiler Alert! But if you're a bit of a spoiler whore like me and Jenny Jerkface, then you will NOT be sorry. There's a lot of smooching. Lots and lots of smooching.

How's that for a little Saturday wake up call? Gets the juices flowing just a little bit, right? And it makes me bounce in my seat because Eclipse is sooooo close and I get to see it with my Twitarded bitches! YAY!

Ok, can someone now tell me how I'm going to get my house clean now? Edward has ruined me for the rest of the day!!