Sunday, June 6, 2010

Conversations About the Meadow

A Twilight obsession is an insidious little beast, once it's been let out of the closet and allowed to see the light of day. I'm sure we're all aware of just how much it seeps into our every day existence. But it's not just us who are affected by this sparkly, cheesy obsession--it's our non-Twilighty loved ones too.

For example, ML has watched Twilight with me twice. Reluctantly. In fact I think he may have fallen asleep the first time because I'm pretty positive he was snoring. Or maybe he was just groaning from the questionable effects and facial tics of one of the young, female stars.

To be totally honest, he really just thinks it's fucking lame.

Yup, that sums up ML's opinion of the saga...

But it doesn't matter that he hates it -- the Full Size Edwards are tolerated and though I have caught him glaring balefully at the one in the dining room from time to time, he allows me to keep them around 24/7. The only exception to this rule is that the FSEs do disappear when ML's parents come over. This, however, is a benefit for me more than him because I seriously don't want his folks to know exactly what it is I do on the computer for a good part of my day (or evening).

What? This isn't normal?

I'm confident that discussions about vibrators, fucking some young man who is not their son that I am currently involved with (no matter how hypothetical it is), butt secks, and poop jokes are not appropriate conversations to be had with your possible future in-laws.

Okay, I guess I have a small shred of a filter left. Or a sense of relationship preservation.

That is, of course, unless you don't want them as your in-laws. Then fuck it! Spread those dildo stories and ass cheeks and go about your newly-single merry way.

Had a witty caption until I realized something. Why the hell is her arm SO long?! WTF?!

But I digress. At the end of the day, ML really has no clue just what the Twilight saga is about. He's only vaguely aware of pretty sparkly vampires and wolves and that fucking pretty boy Robert Pattinson.

Preeet-ay boy. nom nom nom, wait. Where was I? Why are my panties on fire?

Well, so I thought, anyway.

The other day I was lamenting to Snarkier Than You about all the yard work I had to do. [Note from LKW: Cry me a fucking river, whiner - my whole existence revolves around yard work.] I hate yard work, mainly because Mommy and Daddy (not a)Jerkface were slave drivers when I was a kid and would get us up at the ass-crack of dawn to pull weeds for, like, hours. With our teeth. And they'd stand over us sipping champagne and eating bon-bons and cackling like evil villains while me and Brother Jerkface sweated and bled and were eaten alive by various insects.

Well, that's how my teenage self remembers it, anyway. But she's an overly melodramatic little twit so it probably wasn't that bad.

Fuck that shit. 'Nuff said.

Regardless, I fucking hate doing yard work but I put on a brave (aka "adult") face and told STY that when I was done toiling in the backyard it would be all nice and pretty with wildflowers and plants and butterflies and daisies and we could totally lay back there and stare adoringly into each other's eyes and...

That was about as far as I got in my conversation until ML piped up.

"This isn't Forks, Washington," he said.

I gave him my squinty bitch face, which is probably the expression I wear all the time anyway. "I know. What the fuck are you talking about?" I replied.

Eye roll. "The meadow. Our backyard is not the Twilight meadow."

I opened my mouth to say something snarky but paused as it dawned on me that ML had basically figured out exactly what I was talking about my overhearing my side of a conversation with STY.

How STY and I really spend our weekend...

Fuck. Me. Am I that transparent?

Why, yes. Yes, I am.

Are you?


  1. Omg...I'm laughing here because I'm picturing you and STY lying in the meadow...
    Great post...I haven't told the inlaws either but my husband is totally aware...and although he is not a "fan", he loves the creative outlet we have here.
    WTF is her arm so long?

  2. WTF is up with that skater's arm? She should audition for "Stretch Armstrong."
    Mr. M asked me to help pull weeds in the strawberry patch today. I was in the middle of reading the Guardian update and he gave me the fucking stink eye. I used to like doing yardwork, then I discovered fanfiction. He went willingly to Twilight and New Moon (and liked them more than he'll admit) but he has a love/hate relationship with my ff addiction.

  3. Perhaps ML is doing some covert research while you are not looking. And that skater's arm, holy monkey, what the hell happened. I'm guessing they do that trick too much.

    Did you notice in the meadow pick that Rob's shirt it up a bit and you can see some tummy peeking out and it is just as pale as his face and hands with vamp make up on?

  4. I was going to chime in about something, but you posted THAT pic. What the hell was this post about? I forget now.

    Oh yeah. Our poor S/O's. I think I made DH watch Twilight 3 times. Once was on his birthday. Yeah, I am that much of a bitch. I didn't think he paid any attention, but every storm he asks, "How you likin' da rain, AriZONA?"

  5. @living with Edward....NICE observation! I also think he has a pack of smokes in his pants pocket...(and no, it's not because he is happy to see any of you...)

  6. "Spread those dildo stories and ass cheeks and go about your newly-single merry way" FTMFW. I have a well-trained filter around the in-laws, but they know that I only do it for them.

    As for ML not digging the saga, meh. He has the band, so you can both go to your little corners of the world and handle yo bidnass. My bf is tolerant (I'm going to FOOORRRRKKKSSS!!! aren't I?!), but just doesn't get it. He got through reading Twi and NM, but then refused to start Eclipse b/c he thought it was gonna suck as much as NM. Still haven't gotten him to change his mind. I haven't watched either movie with him, but every once in a while, he'll throw out a strategically place quote from the flicks. This makes me wonder what he does when I'm not home. He does dig the soundtracks, though. I hear them playing on his iTunes e'ry once in a while :)

  7. Hubby actually took me to the theater to see the first SATC movie (where I proceeded to tell a mob of women in line that he calls SJP "horseface" bwahaha), but I can't get him anywhere near my Twilight obsession. He made a smart ass comment tonight about me reading the books for the 4th time and I quickly told him to shut the hell up and go back to playing Star Trek online before I beamed him up! We have such a great relationship.

  8. Yesterday in the car, TH said something in a terrible British accent about Edward going on "holiday in Italy," and I turned to him and went, "That's right, honey! You remembered!" And I knew then that he *did* pay attention to what was happening in the movies. ;)

    He actually has admitted that he liked New Moon better than Twilight (mostly due to the special effects and wolves, but still), and he's very tolerant about listening to me prattle on about all things Twi. And he's very supportive of this online cum-munity (especially since my participation here reduces the amount of Twi-lated things he has to hear about, I'm sure).

    But I haven't told my in-laws, either. It's like my dark secret. ;)

    That skater's arm is effed up.

  9. So my darling husband must be of a different breed than most cause he's just as nerdy as me but in different ways so he appreciates where my twi-obsession comes from. I have to give the bitch brow over fan fic sometimes if I'm really into the story but we cohabit well otherwise.
    He actually read the series and liked it more than he lets on since I caught him out of bed in the middle of the night whilst he was reading the series face first in Eclipse, I walked in the living room and was like why are you out of bed at this time? When I saw the book I cackled like a hyena and traipsed back to bed.
    He has also done all the midnight showings with me and we are hitting the trilogy for the Eclipse showing as well.
    Twi related things are a daily topic in my household, like to day when hubby got off work he was like are there any updates about Eclipse? lol.
    My mother in law knows cause she's my best friend and sister in law does too cause she's totally into the series although she doesn't truly obsess daily. Father in law is oblivious of anything unless it directly involves him, sex or, cars so that's out.
    I think creepy skaters arm is either photo shopped or totally warped due to how fast she was spinning :) I totes didn't see it until you pointed it out either. Enough of my novel, I love my hubby.

  10. Is it weird that I now want to lay drunk in a meadow with you JJ and stare longingly in your eyes too? ;-) And who says you can't make your fucking back yard look like a meadow? Even though I don't think the New Moon meadown really looks like a Washington State meadow but I live in Washington and I was a botany minor so I am a tad picky. The fake LA meadown in Twilight REALLY did not look like a natural meadow.

    Oh and I am completely transparent with Mr. VitR. Sometimes he loves it, sometimes he hates it, and most of the time he just ignores it.

  11. Insted of the silent treatment I talk contantly about Twilight, I realised that he proberbly just blocks me out thinking about something elce the way I think about Twilight when he starts talking about well anything, so I started giving him little quizzes after these rants and I am always surprised by how much he does pick up.
    I am inspired to make my yard look like a medow now.

  12. I spend way too much money & time on Twilight related items and activities, and am also gradually redecorating my house in Twilight chic. My husband hasn't said anything, so that must mean he either hasn't noticed or is giving his implied approval. I prefer to think it's the latter :)

  13. I've nothing to hide, in front of my husband that is. He knows all about my obsession. He doesn't mind E&B dolls. In fact, he's the one who put them in a loving embrace.
    He knows I got an autograph from Kellan, and never once asked to see it.
    So he knows, and is also really happy that I've found a creative outlet.

    I don't care who's aware of my obsession to be honest. I am proud of it.

  14. Funny you should mention the in-laws. My family, co-workers & friends all know about my obsession. The only ones in the dark are my 70 yr old, conservative in-laws. For some reason I don't think they would understand the time I spend on the computer while their son reads porn. Hmm. Maybe they would if I worded it that way.

  15. OK twitards I have a question...

    When entering a new relationship, how soon is too soon to mention the aforementioned addiction?

    Obv, I'm not planning to divulge everything (don't want to scare him off, natch) but think I probly need to bring it up at some point.

    He's totally gonna notice in about 22 days time when I go to the cinema for, um, 6 hours straight with my girlfriends.

    Best way to discuss? Any suggestions gratefully received...

    W/V - Cowbo. Ha ha.

  16. Yeah so Mr CC and I went house hunting yesterday. We're probably going to end up with a yard the size of a fucking postage stamp (*sniff* I have to move to suburbia *sniff*). But you've given me a new goal - to turn what property we do have into the meadow. Muwahahaha! *whispers* let's see if Mr. CC notices.

    Fuck, he probably won't. I've only watched Twilight once with him (and he only tolerated it because of rifftrax). I really try and keep in under wraps around here (I thought he was seizing on Friday night there were so many eye rolls while I watched new moon).

  17. I tend to keep as much of this as possible away from the boyfriend. He knows I read this blog (but has never actually seen it - thank the sweet baby jesus), and he knows I'm going to Fooooorks! Well, he knows I'm going to "Seattle." And that it has something to do with Twilight. But that's about it. There's no way I'd force him to watch with me - I don't want him to ruin it! I know I'd have to handle his snark, and I'm just not interested in putting up with it!

    @TexasKatherine, I just about died @ "How you likin' da rain", haha! Every time, huh? :)

    @I_heart_fifty, this is a legitimate issue you raise. How soon IS too soon? Given that my SO doesn't know the full extent of my addiction, I'm not sure I'm the best person to dispense advice on this. Perhaps the six hours you spend at the movie theater can be an ice breaker? "Haha, yeah, isn't it crazy? I'm so into it...." then distract him with blow jobs.

  18. I WISH my backyard was a fucking meadow... then I wouldn't be so obsessed with pulling every stinking weed that dared to peak out through my mulch!! Gah... this is why I hate summer! There are NO weeds when it's snowing. Ok, I'm a little OCD when it comes to that gardening shit. Until about the end of July when it's so blistering hot I don't feel the need to spend hours on my hands and knees (well, at least not for weeding.) And if I do let my yard turn into a nice flowery meadow, will I get a sparkly fuckhawt vampire with it? I'd really like one of those!

  19. So, not being married, I have no one in my home to hide my Twilight obsession from. At this point it becomes an issue of keeping on the DL from my RL acquaintances. Most of my friends know that I really like Twilight, but they have no idea just how far down the rabbit hole I have fallen.

    Occasionally, I do suffer from Twi-Turrets. I swear, I am not in control of it!! Unintended information about The Prettay, FF or Ffoooorrrkkksss just comes spewing out of my mouth to totally unprepared individuals. It's horrifying experience for both parties.... Secretly I'm hoping that one of them will join me!!

  20. You bitches should count your fucking blessings. In spite of the increased bedroom action and my sudden lack of aversion to blow jobs, he still gives me copious amounts of shit over all things Twi. He really worries over how much FF I read, I think that's his biggest beef. It's due to his attitude that I've decided to pass on Forks. That would surely push him over the edge.

  21. Oh, JJ I'm so with you on hating yard work. My stepmonster forced me to pull weeds and I still get panic attacks going past the fucking nursery. It's not an accident that I live in a Townhouse where I pay a monthly fee to have that shit taken care of FOR me. I swear I have yard work PTSD.

    Anyway, my s/o is very tolerable of my obsession, though I don't force him to watch movies with me or anything. Before he knew any better, I tried to get him to watch Twilight with me. He made it to the baseball scene and then was like, "I have to go work on my dissertation." Ha. He just let's me do my thing, but every once in a while he asks, "Aren't you almost done with this Twilight thing?" I just smile. I did make our dinner guests use New Moon napkins @VitaminR got me, because the women are Twi fans. The men bonded over how "stupid" it is and how Edward is "creepy" for sneaking in to watch someone sleep.

  22. @Vit R- I don't think it's takes botany minor to see what a shitacular job they did of the meadows (yes I hated both). I can just the set designer yelling "Find a craft store and get me every bleu and purple silk flower you can get your hands on. Then, just, stick 'em in the ground, in clumps"

  23. I'm lucky if my grass gets mowed once a month and I mean the yard, people.

    @I_Heart_Fifty it's ALWAYS too soon to mention the addiction. Let him find out the hard way, I say.

    Mr. Myg is the one who turned me on to Twilight the first time, but only because he probably figured he'd get laid, which well anyway. He tires of it but luckily he's a pop culture junkie so he even joined in for the New Moon group watch for awhile, though he was like, "Fuck me, this is so bad. This is so o o o bad." But at least he was funny.

    And you all know he's the master editor behind Osa Bella, so I got no complaints, and if I do, I'm just gonna shut up about them or else he'll be pushing me to cut loose five chapters a week so we get this over with!

  24. As stealthy as we'd like to believe we are, JJ, it's so not the case.

    I think I peed a little laughing at the image of you and STY staring adoringly into eachothers eyes. LMAO!

    I, on the other hand, would be laying back in an adorondack chair wearing my rothers beer hat, destroying my brain cells on Bud, while my family tools around in my brothers pool. Thats my fucking meadow.

  25. I have no shame. I bought my mother-in-law a copy of Twilight in Spanish hoping she would join the obsession with my sister-in-law and I, but it was to no avail. She probably never picked it up, or read it and thought that we are absolutely out of our minds because she has never brought it up since.

  26. This comment has been removed by the author.

  27. My mother-in-law actually started my Twilight obsession, of course I took it to a level she has no idea exists and i'd like to keep it that way. Thankfully she is tech challenged so no worries there. But my mom is on FB and Twitter so I recently started new accts :) Love being devious.

    My husband knows all. I don't think he'd mind a FSE as long as it is in my studio. (I wonder if it would freak the kids out?) Mr. inotu even agreed I could take to a trip to forks, but I have not actually acted on that yet, not sure where to begin. When is it being overrun with Twitards?

  28. Holy crap. I don't know why my comment posted so many times & under my real name too. I can't delete them from my sorry ladies.

  29. Fuck, yes I am that transparent. Or my hubs is just jumping to conclusions because he READ THE BOOKS.
    Let's see - one time I lamented the excessive rain and said it was like living in Washington. He said, "Oooh, you mean like in Forks?" I died.
    Another time I referenced the tall, skinny guy with a bouffant who I'd like to make my sex slave, and he rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, Caterpillar brows? Should I be worried about this?"
    And to round this mother out, one time we were in the throes of passion (yep, no lie), and I told him to bite me (I've always liked it), and he says, "I am NOT a vampire."

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  31. Hubs is a trooper putting up with me going set stalking and to ffffooorrrrkkksss. He has offered to go to Eclipse with
    me. What a guy. Hubs hasn't clued in that I created a meadow in the front of our property, I seeded it with wild flowers last fall we'll see what pops up this summer. A green thumb I do not have. He's always curious to see what I'm upto in my sewing room and will roll his eyes when I say I'm working on something twi related.

  32. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

  33. @Twilight Junkie - i deleted the duplicates - no worries! : )

  34. Awwww...thanks Snarky. For that, I'll give you a few extra minutes with The Precious when I'm finished with him. You rock!

  35. @red bella - he's never seen any of your... creations??? too funny!! they are so awesome!! you are brilliant! we need to make some stuff special for foooorks! hmmm.. thinking cap "on"...

  36. Hi everyone! Sorry I don't know where else to post this, but I wanted to offer 3 tickets I have available for the Twilight Eclipse convention in LA! 5TH row seats D 37-39. $300/each or best offer! Email me at if you're interested! Thanks for reading!

  37. I'm actually pleased by the DH's willingness to play along in my Twi-world:

    A few weeks ago I was catching the end of New Moon (my ten year old daughter had put it on -- no really), because well -- can anyone tear themselves away from that silly ending? I'm walking past the DH and am quoting the whole "marry me (odd pause) Bella", when my awesome hubby -- shit you not -- does Bella's GASP!

    My dude rocks.

  38. This is 'all' actually my husband's fault... I'd resisted all things Twi related for YEARS... Then I decided to netflix Twilight and New Moon for HIM... He loves sci fi and vampire tales. It was over for me! I watched them in rotation for a loooong week. Then I borrowed Twilight from the library and the rest from my sister. 'SWOON' He's super sick of the whole Twi thing but sweet about it most of the time. Puts up w/ my recent activity of daily New Moon viewing and I just finished Eclipse for the 3rd time...

  39. My hubby is so good, he calls me his "good little stalker" and asks how my "porn" is when he sees me reading FF (what porn? O:-)) and every now and then I'll hear him randomly from the other room shout in a high voice "I love you Edward Cullen!" It all started when I outed myself, going to a local mall to see the Precious in 2008...oh yeah and then that meet up with Kellan I did..hehee. Let's just say hubby tolerates WAYYY more than I would!!

    But he totally doesn't love the movies (but he'll watch them at least once with me, just to get more material so he can mock me I think). He HATES kstew's lack of *anything* on screen. When I was watching NM last time, and Bella screamed to Aro "Kill me, not him!" from the other room he yelled, "Yeah, kill her!"

  40. Hi everyone! Sorry I don't know where else to post this, but I wanted to offer 3 tickets I have available for the Twilight Eclipse convention in LA! 5TH row seats D 37-39. $300/each or best offer! Email me at if you're interested! Thanks for reading!


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