WARNING: If you are a Bieber fan, stop reading and go away! I'm going to guess you're probably not even old enough to be reading this blog! Seriously. Stop reading. Now. Shoo!
I came across an extra special blog post this week while perusing my latest "Robert Pattinson" Google alert. Lately it's been the same old shit so I don't pay much attention to it. But for some reason, this particular blog article comparing Robert Pattinson and Justin Bieber caught my eye. And mostly because it made me want to fucking throttle someone. I mean are you kidding me? How can you even compare the two? While Rob is making lady bits tingle around world, I believe Bieber is still breast feeding twice a day.
The fucking asstard author, "jonathan," posted this ridiculous comparison and started things off with such a nonsensical stream of words that I am not even sure wtf he is saying:
"We are trying to drape in two hot favorites of young Hollywood, Robert Pattinson and Justin Bieber. One is a unique of his kind, another being the wonder kid of the showbiz world. While a 24 Robert is much elder to a 16 year old Justin, they are similar in various ways."Um...hi. jonathan the blogger, meet English language, English language, meet jonathan... Evidently you two have never met? He goes on to say "...the two hotties are similar in all of these following categories..."
[Side note here: I feel like I'm going to be arrested for just typing "hottie" and "Bieber" in the same sentence. Well hello Mr. Hansen... no, I didn't say that. I'm just quoting this dude talking about how hot RPattz and Bieber are. Yes, I said dude. Put your cuffs away. He's the one you're looking for. His name's "jonathan." Better check that Untitled Pictures folder too.]
I had to include the categories exactly as they were written in the blog post. You'll see why. I truly hope English is not this guy's first language. Seriously. I also think he may be sexually abusing his Thesaurus. Just sayin'...
1. Popularity - There is absolutely no doubt about the popularity and fame of these two stars. Rob is immensely popular in the world of cinema, and Justin is the hero of all the pop music lovers.Oh, where do I even start? First of all, I had no idea who this Bieber kid was... I actually thought his name was Beaver. Hmm... beaver reminds me of FanFic, aaaaaaaand now I feel dirty. I don't do pop music as a general rule, and I definitely don't idolize children so that would explain why I'm not familiar with this toddler. Secondly, if I'm not mistaken, I think Twitarded has more fans than this kid. At least fans old enough to drink.
2. Success - RPattz and Justin can compete with each other in terms of success story. And guess what, there would be a tie or the competition would end without any result.I'm sorry. I can't get past this guy's complete misuse of the English language. Makes it reeeeally hard to not shit on the content... And for the record, RPattz kicks Beaver's ass in the success category. Don't try to argue with me because I will hurt you. I think Rob's jaw alone could kick the shit out of this kid. Man Jaw vs. The Fetus. I'd order Pay-Per-View for that bout.
3. Media's fav - Now that's another trait which unites the boys together. [Huh?] Whatever they do, and whatever they don't are hyped by the media to explode some publicity and to trade in some dollars.Explode some publicity? Trade in some dollars? What the fuck are you talking about? Dude... stop blogging. Now. And if you insist on continuing... don't drag RPattz into your mess. Only panties explode around the precious.
4. Hairstyle - Well, it's the tresses of the hotties that work as the catalyst to make them popular. Rob's shaggy hairdo and Justin's silky blondes are what brings them under comparison.Wha, wha, what? The only hair contest Bieber will beat Rob at is time spent making out with a blowdryer. While the Beav actually films himself blowdrying his stupid little haircut, Rob's probably using the one in his hotel room to heat up his Hot Pockets. And have you seen Beaver's bangs? That shit takes some time and effort... and product. Loads and loads of product. He is definitely not washing his hair with duhhht.
5. Hot yet single - Coming to the most interesting category, both RPattz and Bieber are the hottest faces in their respective professions, and the best part is that both are still single! Despite of several rumors about their individual love lives, the sexy stars haven't confirmed about their girlfriends!Um, excuse me but that infant Bieber is barely out of the vagina so I'm going to guess that he's not even remotely close to getting back into one. RPattz, on the other hand, makes vaginas around the globe whimper. Vaginas throw themselves at him wherever he goes! Oh, there goes mine now... Hey, get back here you twat! Slut.
Please tell me you would never lump the preh-tay and the Beav into the same category. Ever! I won't hold it against you if you're a fan of Justin's... just pleeeeeease compare him to a new puppy... not our tall, lanky, sexy, stubbly, sex-haired, Brit.*
*[STY here - Speak for yourself, LKW, but I will NOT stand for any Bieber fans lurking on this blog! And jeebus help us all if you draw them here...they can't be bargained with. They can't be reasoned with. They don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And and if they find this post, they absolutely will not stop, ever, until we are dead.]