Thursday, June 10, 2010

What Would You Do For A Pattinson?

I never know what to believe anymore. There's been a story going around the interwebs that Christina Aguilera recently helped Robert Pattinson escape from the paparazzi. Back in the day, when she first burst onto the scene, I would have gagged at the thought of zee precious being held captive by Miss Skanky McSkankypants. But I will say I think Christina has turned into a somewhat respectable artist, and even though I'm not a fan of her music, I thank her for saving our boy. And since she's a grown up now with a family, I trust her not to lock him in her basement and sexually molest him hourly. Oh wait, isn't that what we all want to do? And we're all grown ups (well some of us anyways *cough* Jenny Jerkface *cough*).

Yup, this is how I'd be answering an unexpected house call from RPattz!

According to the interview, Christina "revealed that she was in the driveway of her Beverly Hills home when she heard someone at her security gate and found a desperate Robert trying to escape from the paps. Apparently he asked if he could come in and hide out for a few hours and when he left, the pop star allegedly went out first and drew the paparazzi away!"

My poor, poor RPattz... he must have so scared, having nearly been stampeded by those big mean, nasty paparazzi ass lickers. This just makes it more apparent to me that he would greatly benefit from my securtiy services. I know what you're thinking... I'm not a very menacing presence. But I have the power to be heavily armed in seconds. And I'm not opposed to pistol whipping a pap or two. Or anyone else who tries to get their filthy paws on the preh-tay for that matter.

Dude, you see my petite, blond bodyguard right behind me staring at my ass? She will fuck your ass up.

I think I would have handled the situation much like my new bff Christina did if RPattz was frantically trying to escape rabid paparazzi in my neck of the woods. I would have invited Mr. Pattinson into my humble gazillion dollar mansion early 1900's colonial, and offered him a icy cold pint of Heineken from the fancy little Kegerator we have that keeps it at the optimal temperature. I would also have cooked him one of my emergency Hot Pockets that I keep stashed in my freezer - in case of a surprise visit of course.

Once I had him properly fed and boozed up nice and loopy on my Heine, I would set about barracading every entrance to my house to keep my husband out. Because he'd just ruin everything. He'd want to know why I had a half-passed-out movie star in handcuffs. (Um, doesn't everybody?) I'd just have to slip a stack of two dollar bills to him through the window and send him on his merry way to the local strip joint. That should shut him up. If this is my one and only shot at the Brit, I'm not letting a little thing like a husband get in the way. Geesh.

And after my husband is well on his way to sticking his face in a stripper's tits, I'm free to put my operation de-Pants the Pattz. Don't worry ladies... I'll be sure to give a full account of my findings, complete with photos and diagrams and photos. It's what happens after the pants come off that will remain a secret. Wha? A lady doesn't fuck and tell... oh who am I kidding? I'd be videotaping that shit (even though I'm sure none of you will ever want to see that sex tape.)

Whoa... I feel like I've just been rode hard and put away wet. Who was that wonder-slut?

Tell me... if Robert Pattinson just happened to show up on your doorstep in need of asylum from the crazy press, how would you handle it? What special treatment or services would you provide?

35 comments:

  1. I don't know what services I would provide, but I sure as hell hope he knows how to provide CPR.

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  2. Me first, me first! I don't want sloppy seconds on the Pre-tay, that's for damn sure. LOL, send the husb off to the strip joint! Good thinking, LKW! I'm with you there. And I for one would watch the sex tape if only for the fact that it'd be the only one in existence that we know of that RPatts has done. Honestly I'd much rather see him get down and dirty with a fellow Twitard than ever watch him with KStew, that skinny bony bitch. Resentful much? Not me. Snark.

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  3. MyHeartGoesPitterPattinsonJune 10, 2010 at 9:44 PM

    I'd count him being a new fan of all things Christina and sing him her new song WooHoo as a service:

    You know you really wanna
    Wanna taste my (woohoo)
    You know you wanna get a peak
    Wanna see my (woohoo)
    You know you wanna put your lips
    Where my hips are (woohoo)
    Kiss all my (woohoo)
    All over my (woohoo)

    All the boys think it's cake
    When they taste my (woohoo)
    You don't even need a plate
    Just your face, ha (woohoo)
    Licky, licky, yum yum (woohoo)
    What a great guy (woohoo)

    I wouldn't be greedy though. I'd return the favor.

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  4. Hmmm..let's see. I think I would piss my pants & pass out, all while my 4 year old cried over my lifeless body. KLASSY!

    BUT...if I were able to keep it together, the first thing would be a shower, cuz we all know he's probably stanky.

    ALso, that pic of Xtina, kinda makes me want to invite her in with me & The Precious for a three way...just sayin'.

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  5. Well if he showed up on my doorstep that means the papz were really damn desperate if they followed him quite literally into bum fucked nowhere which is where I live lol. But I'm glad I don't have one of those pesky husband problems so there's nothing to get in the way of fun times lol. He could hide out in my middle of nowhere casa for hours or months I wouldn't mind and hell he could have whatever he wanted. I'd send people to the store to get food and beer so I wouldn't have to leave in case he tries to escape erm I mean in case the papz came back LOL

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  7. Damn it blogger. Wait 'til I'm done!

    Shit...If that man showed up at my gated community and I just filmed a smokin' hot video (Seen here), I'd make him jump in my car, make a U-ey, and head back to my pad. Then we can go through all the wardrobe changes. With emphasis on my red number starting at 2:28. He and I will be re-enacting 2:30-end in full detail, and I will be videotaping. After getting my fill for the day, I'll head out, distracting the 'razzi, and leave him my key. Because damn sure he'll be back for more after that work out.

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  8. Great post, LKW!!! As usual!

    I just wanted to stop by to make sure everyone knew that DML or Drunk Mad Libs that's normall hosted over at Twilight SagaPalooza, has earned its own blog!!! So come see us:

    Friday nights @6:30pm Pacific/9:30pm Eastern at Drunk Mad Libs!

    See you all there! It's now run my mmMoxie, 17foreverlisa, DangrDafne and me - StarlitViolets.

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  9. If he came to my door I would let him in, strip him and dress whoever was home in his clothes and get them to drive away so the papz would follow. They would drive the car off a cliff so by the time they work out it wasnt Rob it would be too late.I would have already taken the still naked Rob to my secret hideout.

    I agree with vermonstermom4edward I would watch the sex tape too.

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  10. @LKW- You know I love ya, and have to say that again & again that you crack my ass up. Srsly. I love the caption

    "Dude, you see my petite, blond bodyguard right behind me staring at my ass? She will fuck your ass up."

    PMSL! Love how you, JJ & STY have such different "voices" yet meld together beautifully. You guys rocks.

    XO J

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  11. Knowing me I'd just stare at him dumbstruck and not be able to say a damn thing, just hold the door open so he could walk in. Then I'd go to the liquor cabinet offer him a heiny and down a couple of shots of tequilia. Once I had my liquid courage the mind would start working and I could start planning on how to get him naked and keep hubs otherwise occupied and out of my way. That would involve getting the precious a little liquored up and pilable and telling the hubs that the grass on the property is looking a little long. What is it with men and grass, we have five freakin acres and he obscesses with it. Takes him a couple of days to cut it, didn't like it when I suggested getting a goat. Anyway I diegress back to the precious I'd lure him up to my boudior with the promise of more beer and hot pockets. Before he would be aware of what was going on he'd be hand cuffed to my headboard and muhaha I'd have my way with him! Oh and there would be pictures and video!! Not that you want to see my fat arse in a video I'd edit that shit out.

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  12. "After my husband is well on his way to sticking his face in a stripper's tits.." YOU SLAY ME!

    Haha, oooh, I know what I would do. I'd invite in poor Rob, offer him a cold one, and I'd win his heart with the music! I'd whip out the guitar and we'd have a lovely jam session, and he'll be so awed by my beauty and talent (cough) that he'll just HAVE to get in my pants! He will be so overcome by our shared connection that the only way to cope with it will be to bend me over the couch and fuck me til I can't stand up. IT IS A FOOLPROOF PLAN.

    Also? I'm not Xtina's hugest fan either but you have to hand it to the girl - a)it takes balls to wear a light up heart over your cooter and b) girl can SING. I'd shiv a bitch to have her range!

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  13. I dunno LKW... I'd probably pay good $$$ to see that sex tape.. Hell, I'd pay just to hear the audio... I'm sure it'd sound something like this, "Goddamn LKW, [ragged breathing] *takes long drag of cigarette* Will you at least give me a minute before round 6.. pleeeaaase?"

    Okay, I've actually concocted a plan that may work if the preh-tay ever stumbled upon my doorstep. Here's the deal, I'd TRY really really hard not to freak the fuck out (I know, no small feat but I'd TRY). I'd act all nonchalant and unimpressed, ('cause that'd def be a welcome change for him) and then I'd be all, "Um..can I help you?..Who are you?" And he'd be all, "Oh I'm nobody... Can I come in?" Then of course I'd slam the door locking and deadbolting my roomie out (she's not a Twilighter but that bitch would totally hog him). After he was comfortable enough.. i.e. 6 Heines, 15 cigs later... I'd take him to my playroom.. no no, sadly, I don't have a RRoP but we could actually play some Xbox and pool. And then of course I'd have let him take on the pool table...

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  14. Uh - if Rpattz stumbled over my doorstep I'd offer him a beer and then lecture him on the evils of smoking while I showed him my devil duck collection.

    I know I'm a sad minority here - the guy is a cutie - but he's a baby! I'm more likely to adopt him -- or hook him up with my daughter.

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  15. Honestly, if having a blonde, utterly protectionless LKW replace that big dude that always has his hairy arm wrapped securely around RPattz' waist - I'm all for it. I'll put the precious in a little harms way to get that damn guy off his balls. Sheesh. It's starting to piss me off. And not becuase dude is obviously gay. But because he's making RPattz look like a rag doll girl and I don't like that perception in my head.

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  16. I'd invite him in (grab him by the shirt and drag him through the door). Then I would offer him whatever he needs (beer, shower, valium, blowjob....). Finally, I would release him (provide whatever release he needs), and set him free once it's safe.

    But seriously, I wish the paps would leave him the fuck alone!!! I just want the preh-tay to be happy.

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  17. omg, i have actually thought about this scinario quite a few times in my dirty little mind. firstly i would quickly tear down all my robward posters and hide away my cardboard cut out, and then i would invite him upstairs to the confines of my room ( he would be safst there.....) and do a whole load of bad stuff to him. MMMMMMMM.

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  18. Since Im in Maine and literally live on a farm I highly doubt he would show up here seeking asylum. If he did, it would probablly turn into some horrible reenactment of Misery. I'd like to think I'd be calm and cool if I ever met him, but with my luck, I'd just loose my shit all together and molest the man the minute I set eyes on him. Face it, he has that affect on all of us. Sane and collected one second, and the next our panties are being flung through the air like a bad Tom Jones concert.

    @LKW- I think you would make the fiercest bodygaurd evah. LOL. JJ and STY could be your wing men. I can see whips and tasers involved. And instead ofguns at your hip, it would be sparkly flasks.

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  19. If Rob ever showed up on my doorstep I would throw on my Rainier beer box hat (no, I don't really own it....yet) and be the hostess with the mostest. I would open up the beer fridge and offer him Rainier after Rainier and some Irish Whiskey on the side. Once he was good and goofy I would get to work on convincing him that he is actually a boob man....he certainly ain't experiencing that at the moment.

    Did this really happen with Christina? She probably lives in some Beverly Hills mansion...why would the paps be chasing him there? It reeks of bullshit.

    That dude really does need to keep his hands to himself. Or at least let me substitute for him now and again. LKW you could kick his large, hairy ass any day....I just know it.

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  20. Funny shit- great minds think alike, I just answered this Q on my virgin blog the other day. www.twilightmademedoit.blogspot.com
    Shameless self promotion I know but hey, never said I wasn't shameless.

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  21. You kill me LKW. Everyone in the office is wondering why I'm in here laughing and smiling! LMAO@ I'd just have to slip a stack of two dollar bills to him through the window and send him on his merry way to the local strip joint. That should shut him up.

    I would watch that tape - but don't worry LKW, I won't be looking at you :)

    If I didn't drop dead at the sight of RPattz at my door, either from a heart attack or exploding vagina, I'd bring him inside and do whatever the hell he wanted. There would definitely be alcohol involved. The one non-dirty thing that I know I'd try for is to get him to play the piano for me (SIGH, that would be heavenly)!Then I'd start suggest any and all activities that could lead to the bedroom or removal of clothing.

    Yeah, I think this weekend I'll have to stock my fridge/freezer with heineken and hot pockets, just in case. Anyone know his preferred brand of ciggies? :)

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  22. I warms my heart to know that he would be "taken care of" (LOL!) by all you sluts!

    @Kerri - Um, ya I'm in Maine too so if he shows up at your farm you bettah call me up or Imma gonna be pissed!!

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  23. This comment thread is the restraining order equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel, if that makes sense.

    RPattz's lawyers can come here at their leisure and pick all y'all off one by one.

    Except for Kintail, apparently. lol

    I'm not sure what I would do if RPattz showed up at my door but I am 100% it result in me being horribly mortified and possibly pooping myself.

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  24. I like Christina's seduction style. That would work for me with Rob. Put the ta-tas on glorious display while hiding my fat ass from him with a sheet.

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  25. If RPattz showed up on my doorstep (highly doubtful, I live in Ohio, no one comes to Ohio on purpose) I would like to think I would be my normal calm and classy (*snort*) self but I have a feeling I would hyperventilate and pass out covered in my own drool, which would have started flowing as soon as I laid my eyes upon his crotch, err, I mean face. Hot. But if by some miraculous way I managed to keep my cool, I would offer to cook for him, I can cook up a shitstorm, he'd be impressed. I wouldn't offer him a ciggie, but I would offer him a cigar... that we could share... and a healthy pour of Redbreast Irish Whiskey. Then I'd casually pull out my guitar so he could serenade me. And all of this seduction would of course lead to hot passionate spider monkey sex on every viable surface in my home. Perhaps not, but it's my fantasy (that will keep me smiling for the rest of the day).

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  26. I can't help but sing the title of this post to the Klondike Bar jingle:

    "What would you doooOOOO for a pat-tin-son?"

    I would definitely bark like a dog for a pattinson!

    random, i know!

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  27. first i'd be struck mute for several minutes.
    when i came to my senses, i would probably babble on nervously for untold excruciating minutes, all the while imagining all the fanfic i've read with him as the star attraction.
    once my brain had efficiently worked my body into a frenzy, surely it would be time for him to go, thereby leaving me to masturbate furiously. yep.

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  28. @JJ - BUAHAHAHHAHAH - I was thinking something along the same lines reading all of these lovely comments.
    If The Precious EVER goes missing, the Powers That Be are going to come right to this post for possible suspects! If he's trapped by, I mean a guest of a loyal subject of Twitardia, he might not want to be found...but that's a different matter completely!

    What would I do if he showed up? Well, Forkspimp and I have discussed this at great length (shocker I know) We have devised a Doorless Dream home filled with FF, Hot pockets, Guitars & Pianos to keep him safe from harm...and interlopers! Between the two of us, we're pretty sure we can keep him occupied!

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  29. well, first of all, no one (and i mean no one) ever comes to missouri for asylum. lol. but if he ever did show up at my door, i would probably quickly pull him inside, slam the door, and then drop to my knees & blow him right there. i don't mess around, bitches. ;)

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  30. Thanks, you've all given me so many wonderful ideas for WHEN he stops by my house soon! I think I'd probably start by blindfolding him to avoid a potentially awkward conversation about age, and then I'd sneak him out the backdoor before my family and the papps caught on. That's all I've got so far, so apparently I need to give this some more thought, stat.

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  31. If RPatz showed up at my door... I think I could control myself... but I wouldn't have anything to offer him except my undying love and sparkling conversation. I know its kinda boring, but I would just like to listen to him talk... and take a picture of him with me (naked if possible, but I generally don't have booze in the house so you do the math)... then I'd have him sign anything that wasn't permanently attached to the house...

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  32. I would totally pull a Kathy Griffin and make him pose with me in front of the paps so a rumor would start that he's "with" me. Then I would have a twitter war with KStew.

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  33. Totally off topic: just read that Scummit confirms that BD will be two separate movies (yea!) but that despite the obvious increased sexuality, they will both be rated PG-13. WTF?????? Epic fail.

    http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/Movies/06/11/breaking.dawn.ppl/index.html

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    ReplyDelete

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