Tuesday, June 1, 2010

You Inspired This One: Twitarded Goes Brazilian! [NSFW if you're reading it aloud but otherwise you'll be OK.]

Dear people who know me in real life and occasionally peruse this blog: please stop reading. Really. Just this one time. Unless you are capable keeping a perfect poker face and maintaining eye contact with me - no downward glances! - the next time we speak in person after reading - in detail! - about the state of my hoo-hoo. You've been warned (and I'll be watchin' you).

I'm watching you, Focker.

So Jenny Jerkface and I were out about town recently and as usual, the conversation took a sordid turn and we started talking about sex. I have no idea how we can take any light banter and direct it straight to Smuttyville [Population: All of us] in ten seconds flat, but we can. And do. With a regularity that would be alarming to most people, but, well, we're over it... Anyway, we got to talking about ummmm... "ladyscaping" and I blurted out that I wanted to get a Brazilian wax. Her eyes widened...

JJ: "You know that they take everything off right? Like they wax your ass?"

STY: "Yup - the whooooole thing! Everything comes off!"

Like with most other things that baffle me about myself in recent months, I blame fanfic. I never used to be the kind of chick who would condone this kind of behavior. I've seen enough porn over the years to have duly noted the evolution of muffs, and it's been a little unsettling. "Au natural" became "neatly trimmed" which morphed into "landing strips" and then finally even that odd little Hitler-esque cooter-mustache that went the way of the dildo dodo. And I was OK with not tampering with things too much. As long as I could put on a bathing suit without looking like there was a tarantula trying to escape from the bottom, it was all good.

But after I started reading fanfic, I wanted to go to there (sorry, Tina Fey - you might not approve... or DO you??? hmmmm...). I ran the idea around for a bit (close friends and the 1500-ish people who follow me on Twitter all had the opportunity to chime in) and while there were characterizations of the pain being anywhere from childbirth to a tattoo in an awkward location, I decided to go for it. Which is how I found myself in a small spa last week with a friendly-but-brusquely-efficient Eastern European woman named "Zuzanna" hovering over my girly parts and telling me to put my feet together "like Buddha...don't think about it; just do it" as she whisked off the last remaining bits of fuzz from my nether regions.

Like this but I was on my back & wearing disposable undies! Good times...

When it was all said and done, I have to admit that I totally cracked up. And came thisclose to taking a pic and sending it to JJ, LKW & Myg. [Note from LKW: Thank you for not sending that photo... we haven't even met in person!] It's a...strange look that has not graced my physique in several decades. It's taken some getting used to (and I am still strangely amused by the sight of it) but it got a resounding seal (or was it a squeal?) of approval from Mr. Snarky, who could not have been more surprised when I stuck his hand down my pants as we were heading out the door that evening. I was like Christmas in Pornville, the way his eyes lit up! And when he finally got a look, he didn't even think it looked like a baby alien had taken up residence in between my legs. I'm still not so sure...

So what's the strangest, most outlandish "Holy crap I can't believe this is ME doing this!!!"-kinda thing that Twilight and Twilight fanfic has inspired YOU to do??? And no you can't say "I'm going to Forks" - I want all the sordid details in the comments!

Baby alien??? No, STY - bite your tongue!


  1. LOOOOOOOOOOLL!!! OMG! So funny! U know what I find particularly funny? I'm from Brazil and that so called "Brazilian wax" is not the general rule in here! Lol! I personaly don't know any friends who's done it! Why do we take the blame? Hahahaha!

  2. Well because of the pubic service announcement it may be the same trip you just made ;)

    Thank you for posting about it :)

    WV: pubcomin - NO FREAKIN' WAY!!

  3. Tell us chickens about the pain!!

  4. Holy shit! You did it! How did I miss this Twitter session. I have qurestions for you. I believe at some point a while ago JJ and I made a pact that if I did it she would do it. I still haven't done it....mostly because I am scared by cost maintenance. You are getting some e-mails from me because I have questions.

    I don't know what is the craziest thing I have done....it all seems a little crazy. I think the craziest thing for me hasn't happened yet...mwhahahaha!

  5. @Camilla B - I won't hold it against you - lol! and I am not surprised that we got this wrong - lol!

    @Dangrdafne - lmfao at your VW - lol!!! definitely a sign...

  6. STY- I have done the same thing, and for the same reason. I never thought i would want to try it, but after reading tons of fanfic i thought I would try it as a gift to my husband for his birthday. And to my great surprise I liked it just as much as he did, and continued to do it for several months now. HOWEVER, I have made one change. I do not like the total bald look because I feel like a little girl and that seems creepy, so I go for the "landing strip" in front. It hurts like a fucking bitch, but I really like the end result:)

  7. you have been looking in my window right? (I'm little grossed out and a little turned on...)
    I blame - directly blame - fanfiction. I even know the story...
    The Training School Saga.

    There, I've named it.
    Is that one of the 12 steps?
    Fuck that, can't type anymore. In MOTU mourning and need a drink.

  8. Holy crap, I have been thinking about doing this. I hate summertime maintenance and it just seems practicle. How bad does it hurt?!!

  9. @lady spinning - it hurt but not enough to make me run off screaming - lol!

    @VR70 - expect graphic detail in response to your email (sorry).

    @bierbeck - omfg i am SO happy that i am not the only one!!! and i am with you - not sure i will maintain the full monty look but i will have something more... ah... sculpted for a while! mr. snarky's response was...fucking awesome. and worth it.

    : )

  10. So do you look like a plucked turkey at Thanksgiving?

    Craziest thing? Apart from drive to Austin to meet @texaskatherine & @jennyjerkface in person? I mean the drive was really long, all of 2 hours, we had to stop numerous times for food supplies. Crap, I can't think of anything. Oh well, off to check on the status of my landing strip down under.


  11. Can't....Breathe....Laughing Hysterically....

    HEY, where are the mini E pics we were promised?!!

  12. OUCH, OUCH, & OUCH! I can barely stand to wax my upper lip so I know I couldn't take the pain of waxing my "lower lips". I'm glad you and Mr. Snarky like the ..err..fruits of your labor. hehe I just hope it doesn't itch like hell when it starts to grow back!

  13. I can't say I've done anything yet. (besides the unexpected Hockey watching)

    I have been thinking about going down to "Brazil" as well. But I keep chickening out. Does anyone know how long it lasts? If it's something I gotta do every few weeks, then forget it!

    There will also probably be another tattoo at some point.

    Other than that... just a lot of ideas. Maybe I'll give butt sex a shot.... Nahhh,maybe not.

  14. STY!! I did the wax job thing too! LMAO, you're the only one who's gotten me to cop to this truth. But I didn't go for total mount (or is it mound) baldy, since it was my very first wax job. I opted for a modified bikini (more than the usual but not a landing strip job. I mean I wax the mustache from my face, why would I want a vertical one in my nether region?). Next time (which will be sooner not later) I will go for the whole enchalada. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, pain wise. Although the thought of having my sphincter waxed does not thrill me. Yeouch!

    Aside from the waxing, I have fantasized about a tatoo, but I'll stick with wax. Oh, and I'm flirting with the idea of purchasing some handcuffs, a blindfold, and a riding crop.....The Submissive, anyone?? ;)

  15. Been doing this since even before my fanfic obsession, STY, and LOVING IT. Its the most essential grooming ritual that I do monthly. Welcome to the club! LOL, my guess is that you'll never go back...

    Oh, VR70, the pain? It gets less and less each time...Well, not really, but again sooooo worth it.

    I can't believe I missed this on Twitter either. I usually make the announcement monthly: I'm Green Wax-erific! (so now you know)
    TMI? sorry....

  16. Um - this is the one thing I've been wanting to do.

    I have yet to work up the guts. Any words of advice?

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  18. lllladies, i promise to add fill details to the comments tomorrow!! because i would much rather write blog about my adventures in hairlessness than do any actual work tomorrow - hehe...

    honestly i was a little nervous about posting about this [note toJJ - no i wasn't kidding] but i LOVE that we are all kind of of one big twitarded brain - er and cooter - here - lol!!

    this girl & her plucked chicken are going to sleep... talk amongst yourselves & i will catch up in the morning!

    : )

  19. ummm.... weirdest thing twilight has made me do? how about licking my computer screen? that pic of rob is HAWTHAWTHAWT!!

    i swear you are reading my mind. i have been thinking and talking about doing this ever since i started reading fanfic. i think the pain and cost would be prohibitive but have considered started with having my legs waxed as a way to ease myself into it. i used to shave it all and stopped a number of years ago (my husband mentions those early days with dewey eyes). i think it is time to go back to that. we are looking for a little something new and i think that this would help some of that along. "the submissive/dominant" has me looking at some interesting accoutrement and "the office" has me craving expensive lingerie. and i have started a serious "get me healthy" plan so i actually feel sexy in those purchases.
    i also have decided that if it does indeed turn out that i can't have babies, that i am getting a huge tattoo. i don't know why i have those two things connected but i do. possibly because my husband is really against it but think he would be amenable to it as a source of consolation. the tattoo obsession is 50% clipped wings and 50% my friend that has 65 roses on her back for her sister that has CF. it is so beautiful.

    for anyone that is thinking about ladyscaping, definitely go listen to Twigasm (now fourgasm, i think?). they discuss in detail. can't remember what episode but you can go to the blog and they recap.

    what i am COMPLETELY against is the landing pad that is in a specific shape like a lightning bolt. i could see doing it as a joke but otherwise it is just kinda trashy. what do ya'll think? lightning bolt cooter?

    although, now i think about it, the weirdest thing twilight has made me do is post comments on blogs (mostly just this one). if you knew me and knew how anti-social and awkward i am, you would understand. except maybe that is obvious from what i post... see? awkward!!

  20. @HV - omfg i was TOTALLY saying "heeeey HV!!!" when i saw that anon comment the other day and i even posted that comment but i removed it because if you go back and look there were a few anon comments posted by Sparkle Mindy too and I thought i must be losing my shit because i was SO SURE IT WAT YOU!! cracking up...

    aaaand NOW going to bed! g'night ya'll!

    : )

  21. AND... i second HV's rule that every detail MUST be shared. no secrety emailing allowed. looking forward to the whole story manana.

    my word verification is "proof." see STY? even the bloggy gods want details!

  22. @STY- OMG I could never do that so bonus points for you

    @cupcake donna- LMFAO "Maybe I'll give butt sex a shot.... Nahhh, maybe not." aaaaaaaaaaaah

  23. I'm so happy for you! Brazilians are kinda awesome. Believe me. Once you go bare, you never want to go back. I didn't even rhyme.

    Quick tip from someone who's been getting Brazilians for way too long: go to Whole Foods and get an exfoliating glove in the beauty aisle. Use it daily in the shower. It will prevent ingrowns. That region does get pretty sensitive. My waxing lady swears by it and it has totally worked for me!

    Best of luck! :)

  24. The craziest thing I've ever done - you mean, besides the "Be Safe" decal on my new car, the 4 Twi-books and 2 movies hidden in my closet, the daily FF updates (Ive NEVER read any FF before, didn't even know it existed!), the overwhelming interest in all things TWITARDED, the goofy grin on my face when I daydream about Fifty, I am seriously thinking about buying my first ever vibrator (recommendations, anyone?). Maybe the creepiest thing so far is the way I felt watching Harry Potter IV (Cedric a/k/a/ The Precious) looking really, really young, well, frankly, he was as young as my oldest son is now during this movie. Hard for me to wrap my head around the way he has, um, grown up!

    But, what really stands out is going to see NM at the theater BY MYSELF. The first time I went, I took the Hub, who sighed with boredom every FUCKING thirty seconds. I went back to the theater a couple of weeks later to the after work showing, and sat BY MYSELF. Heaven. It was the first time I have EVER gone to the movies alone. So, I highly recommend going to Eclipse with someone who loves it as much as you do. Even if you have to go alone!

  25. I might love the Brazilian even MORE than the hubby! Got it done after much ff reading and don't know if I'll ever go back. Anything that increases cooter sensitivity is A+ in my book :)
    I've got all kinds of ideas from ff. My gutter brain is just full of naughty ideas. Even considering removing the "exit only" sign {{gasp}} tmi???
    There's a reason FatGirlSlim calls it "keeping up with the Taylors" (my last name, natch).

  26. @Hypo - LMFAO @ Eclipse Emmett as "Zuzanna", you are a fucking genius.

    @STY - share those details, girl!! I am dying to hear.

    I have wanted to do this, but considering that when I get my EYEBROWS waxed my ridiculously sensitive skin flares up for hours at a time, I feel like this could be a dangerous prospect. By the time I'm ready for sexay times it'll be all stubbly again, no? Exfoliating glove, you say, Jess?

    @PourLamourdecanard - the tat sounds FABULOUS! Of course I would be desperately sad to hear you can't have teh bebehs, but if you DO end up getting the tat, for whatever reason, I'd love to hear about it!

    I haven't done anything super crazy cause of Twilight YET - unless you count planning my trip ACROSS THE EFFING COUNTRY TO FOOOOOOOOORKKKSSS, which still sounds effing crazy to me! - but the whole fanfic universe HAS got me writing again for the first time in ages, which feels great. All the fairly recent talk of tats has got me craving my next one, which is non-Twi-related, but I'm pretty sure will happen soon. And all the great music on the soundtracks has me jogging again (so that when I finally meet The Prettay, I'll be ready to go for that marathon fucking session I have planned).

    Sorry this is so long, but I just can't help myself around you hoors!

  27. CupcakeDonna I get mine done every 4 or 5 weeks...

  28. The craziest thing I've ever done..hmmm, since I started reading fan fic I've re enrolled in college, Im going to be a massage therapist and someday I will rub down the precious...I started doing roller derby and tonight I was inducted into the league(totally getting a twitarded sticker for my helmet!) Aaaaannnnndddd I wrote a fangirl letter to Rob and will be mailing it tomorrow. I haven't done anything smutty yet.....yet.

  29. Inspired by reading CW&IA, Inked, Marked, etc, I got my first tattoo a few months ago. And the design was inspired by the tattoo that B/J/E get in Ms Kathy's "The Trip Home."

  30. Occasionally consider it but never seriously just because I can't afford to maintain it...plus I don't have a man to get all excited over it. Can we please have a post about MOTU ending!? I think I need to talk about how depressed I am that it is finished

  31. @adonica - share any recces you get!

    I too have been felled by fan fic (MotU - OMFG) and spent 2 hours vibrator shopping on the internet this weekend. Veerrrryyy intersting. I had one once - tossed it when the hub left. Now I want a newer, sexier model(of both!) But one is far easier to obtain than the other... and doesn't talk back. So I'm off to Babeland this weekend.

    @porphyrias_Curse - what league/team do you skate for? I'm a rapid derby fan. (Rat City)

    My daughter would DIE if she read this!

  32. TO FUCKING FUNNY!!.. strangely enough I have gone for the bald beaver look too as of late (thankyou fan fict, we LOVE YOU) But im too fucking chicken to go somewhere and have it done.. SO I got Mr Whitewolfe to attack the overgrown love garden.. (yes i got my husband to wax me) Needless to say I had to be rather under the influence to get me through the evening.. Strangely enough Dear Mr Whitewolfe really enjoyed (WAY TO MUCH) inflicting pain on my poor lady land.. but the end result was OH SO WORTH IT!! (oh i asked for a landing stip.. apparently the man with the wax had other ideas.)

  33. I blame fanfic for everything! Not only do I want to visit Brazil and take my husband with me ;) but I also have been seriously contemplating getting viper bites, thanks to CW & IA. Also, thanks to this little story, I want more tattoos. I have one little small one on my foot, but now I want more. Oh, and I want my husband to get his penius pierced, which he refuses to do!

  34. When I saw the title of this post, I could've sworn it was JJ writing it. Way to go STY.

    This is for you Cupcake Donna -
    I went Brazilian only once, and it hurt like a motherfucker. Plus, my hair grows really fast, so it just wasn't worth it.

    I wouldn't recommend this to women such as myself who are prone to yeast infections, because you basically take away the layer of protection - the hair. :D

    Anyhow, because of fan fiction, I wanted to buy those Ben Wa balls, but so far, my research told me that wearing them produces no sensation. I was really bummed about that.
    Other than that, I've only been more horny due to ff, but basically, I seem to have tried out quite a few things, ahkm, lol.

  35. I am a fan of the stick-it & rip-it look. But, as a 27 y/o who has been getting this done since I was 19 (seasonally), my tastes have changed. I rocked the bald beaver for years, but then I (and the bf) starting getting bored, so I switched to The Landing Strip. Now I'm toying with the idea of a heart or a teardrop, or racing stripes or an arrow or something. Meh. My obsession with a good looking cooter had nothing to do with fanfic. It had to do with a long distance relationship during undergrad and a webcam, and wanting to look good on it :) (We're still together)

    However...I will share with you all my horror story. This might scare some of you away, but mostly, I laugh my ass off thinking about it. JFTR, I never went back to this place again after this incident... So ladies, I give you International Salon of Philadelphia, PA. c. 2002, I was running low on funds, and didn't have the $60 to bring to my usual salon. I didn't want to cheat, but I just couldn't afford it. So my friend Em tells me about THIS place. She swears by it, has been going there for years, and it's only $35 for a full monty. "Sweet!" I think. No.NO.NO. I walk in, sit and wait for about 5 minutes. A chick walks out of the room, and the lady grabs my wrist, pulls me up and says "take off your pants and hop up, it's your turn." No nonsense? Sweet. This shouldn't be chatty time. So I do what I'm told, lay there and count ceiling tiles, and she gets to work. Slathers my shoot with chocolate wax, and instinctually my abs tighten, ready for the rip. "NO! Do not tense! Is not ready yet!" Uh...ok...So I relax. Then I hear a ..::rrrrrriiiiippppp::.. What the? The chick busted out a roll of DUCT TAPE. Before I can say "What the shit?" she presses it onto the wax, doesn't give warning, and pulls. The tape.gotstuck.to.MYSKIN. I opened my mouth to ask WTF was up, but she was already flying through my mons venus like the Guinness Book of World Records guy was standing behind her with a stopwatch. Hopping up to all fours was the worst. It was all over in less than 10 minutes, but I threw a fit. I was bleeding from the tape sticking to my fucking chach, for fuck's sake! AND she put the spatula BACK IN THE WAX after she finished me up. AND DIDN'T WASH HER HANDS WHEN WE LEFT THE ROOM.

    Worst $45 I've ever spent. "My friend comes here and pays $35." "Oh, well, you were a hairy monster and you must be Greek with what I had to take off." Bitch, excuse me? I'm not Greek (no offense to those who are). And I did not tip. And the wax job? Lasted about a week.

  36. STY: YOU GO GIRL. I give you tons of credit for simply just doing it. my Sister does it and swears it's the way to be...but I'm not so sure. Granted I landscape pretty well...kind of hard to describe. Once I shaved it all off...years ago, but I felt like a 2 year old. LMAO. It was kind of creepy. I'm also super afraid of the pain.

    I haven't read enough ff to say it's inspired me to do anything...but like Jelena said, it just makes me horny as hell...

    Keep us posted...I'm curious to see if you maintain it. I'm also surprised to read (from the comments) that no nearly as many women do it as I expected...

    xo J

  37. Okay, normally I lurk here, but wanted to stick my head above the parapet & say something that has been alluded to here: I could never go for the bald lady garden as I work partly with child protection issues. The link - I'm not big on adult women sporting a pre-pubescent look whether in porn or real life, for obvious reasons...
    We're breeding a new generation of teenaged boys who think pubic hair is revolting & can't handle an obviously adult female body.
    Yours, sporting a bushfro...

  38. @Adonica - I agree with all of the things you mentioned! Love going to the movies alone.

    I reckon it's about time we had a post all about twilight/fan fic inspired tattoos and piercings. I would LOVE to get a tattoo, am thinking 'be safe' somewhere, but am WAY too chicken. I think it would be fricken hilarious for everyone to post their actual/hypothetical body art inspired by twitardia.

    I also agree with HV that everything needs to be aired - no secret emailing!

    Keep up the awesomeness STY - agree with Jelena - so thought this was JJ at first, oh how you surprise us so :)

  39. Wow. Don't know if I could do that. It sounds so painful You already know the craziest thing I've done because of fanfic.

    Read smutty parts of CW&IA to the Mr then went & got Bella piercings. Ouch. Of course mine hurt for a minute & will last a lot longer than a Brazillian wax.

  40. "It was like Christmas in Pornville!" That made me laugh so hard I nearly snorked coffee out my nose! You're a lot braver than I oh Snarky one. With my luck, I'd lose a layer of skin with the hair! And don't get me wrong... I love the idea of waxing. Plucking makes me want to cry. But if it garners that type of reaction from the S/O, I'm going to think a little harder!

    Oh and that picture of the preh-tay at the end has rendered me useless for at least the next two hours. Fuuuuuuuck. For him, I'd wax my entire body.

  41. I'm new to anything and everything twi related and have only been reading fanfic for like a month now. So I haven't done anything crazy YET and now I have to say that I am pretty scared at whats to come.

    I should probably turn around and run as fast as possible away from here but I just can't...you girls are awesome.

  42. Hmmmm, like the anonymous comment above - I agree, going the full monty is a bit creepy, but hey, I'm not one to judge - whatever floats your boat :-) I'm just glad my S/O prefers the hirsute look.....

    Craziest thing I've done since reading fanfic? Well, I've found myself researching where I can purchase some of those mighty fine balls mentioned in MoTU......and I've started jumping on my S/O's lap a bit more frequently than of late. He doesn't know why, but he sure ain't complaining! ;-)

    I thank you.

  43. Wooo! Well done STY! There's no way I'm getting *my* lady garden out for anybody on professional terms, but I do shave.

    Fanfic has definitely had an effect on me which Mr Stan has put down to me being in my dirty-thirties, mainly an increase in confidence which has made me try out dirty talk, new underwear, keeping my new heels on for sex. Oh, and finally giving in to his requests for bum love, which I'd given vehement 'no's to for years now!

    Yay for fanfic!!

  44. What a timely post. Yes, I too went to the waxer and came out with a bald beaver. I even wrote about it, it's the one and only thing I've written on my blog because I'm too busy with RL and reading FF to continue with it at this point. I think you can get to it by clicking on my name.

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  46. Sorry, I am completely distracted by that close up picture of Rob. Jeeeeeezus.

    Ahem, ok, where was I. Well the craziest thing I've done because of Twilight is purchase this:


    Ok, totally kidding. I did not purchase this but I know one of your twatwaffles did. So fess up!! And tell us what you plan on doing with it... sick and perverted minds want to know.

  47. WTG STY! That is really brave. I have been shaving it all for decades, but about a year ago Mr. XKR and I struck up a deal that if he lost all of the weight he'd gained since our wedding (no small task), I would get electrolysis, Brazilian-style. The man is motivated, and I am getting close to making the appointment I never actually dreamed I'd be making. So he is going to be buff and I am going to be permanently bare. Our friends probably won't see us for a few months after that...

    Craziest thing I've done? I haven't added any piercings or tattoos (yet, still fighting the temptation), but we did start Alphabet Weekends (READ IT if you haven't), and I drew "E" first. I chose "exhibitionism." I'll let you imagine the rest :)

  48. In my efforts to replicate my favorite fan fiction I may have perused the profiles over at BDSM.com looking for my Fifty or my Domward. Let me save you the trouble: there are no "wards" there. Only old dudes with no teeth who want to chain you to a radiator and shove a toothbrush places they were never meant to go.

  49. Wow! Way to go STY!

    I've considered going bare, but like others I worry about the time and cost of upkeep and the itchiness as it grows back. Let us know how that goes, STY.

    I haven't done anything especially crazy due to fanfic (although I have thought a lot about it!) but I have been much more frisky and open to new ideas. The hubby doesn't know why. Like Mr. Stan, he attributes it to my being in my "dirty-thirties." I'm just going to let him think that!

    I'm actually glad to hear that MOTU is finally complete! I can only keep so many storylines straight at a time, so I won't let myself start any new incomplete fics until the 6 I am reading finish. I've heard so much about this one that I'm dying to read it. Since it's finished, now I can go read it while I'm waiting for updates!

  50. stilllookingformyvampJune 2, 2010 at 10:24 AM

    Awesome, STY! I have been considering this for a while as well...we want every fucking detail!

    I have also been considering getting another tat. I have one on my ass from a drunken night in college, but would like another. Thanks fan fic!

    But back to the details, STY...let 'em fly!

  51. Well recently I went from being on the fence about tattoo's to really wanting a tatt...I think CWIA had something to do with it. I know what I want and it's nothing twilight related...there's actually 3-4 different tattoo's I want but I'm going to settle on 1 - 2...but I'm waiting till I hit my goal weight because I'm not getting a tatt over my back fat lol.

    oh and STY go for the "French" next time ;)

  52. TMI Ahead....

    So, I started with the beard trimmers, then went with cream. I tried shaving, but that just gave me razor burn and a scar from an ingrown hair. I have not ventured into the waxing. The pain frightens me. I go as bare as the cream allows and I love it. When hubs saw it for the first time, he was all about getting a closer look too. yay!

    Other crazy stuff? Yeah, I met online twifriends and flew across the country to spend the weekend with them.
    We now sometimes play some bondage (no real domming tho), I enjoy the bj, and I removed the exit only sign. I am so glad that I did. My strongest O's are from stimulation there.

  53. @tiffanized... lmfao, radiators and toothbrushes. Yikes!

  54. This is going to be a serious case of TMI. I'm not kidding.

    The craziest thing I ever did because of fanfic was actually to try to was my own beaver. I've done the brazilian before, but only at a salon, and it just is so inconvenient that you have to there.

    I wanted to surprise hubby. In MoBS there is a chapter called "I knew waxing my own beaver was a bad idea" and since I got the idea from that chap you would think I'd stay out of it. But nooo, I ended up googling it, and apparently it can be done.

    There was some general tips on how to do it and what wax to use, but I was like "what the hell, any wax is good enough". So I took the wax strips I use for my legs, and put one of the outer labia. And you know that you're supposed to stretch the skin while ripping it off if you do it on your legs?

    I figured I'd have to do it now as well, so I put my hand on the inner labia and held it, while ripping the wax strip off the outer labia. And you want to know what happened?

    First, the wax kind of got stuck on my hair, so I had wax all over my cooter. And no hair got removed.

    Second, because I held on to my inner labia, the skin actually ripped open between them. Yeah, it ripped. From top to bottom. And it bled like hell.

    So, the weirdest thing ever did was to nearly rip my labias apart while doing a brazilian wax on my own.

    Way to go...

  55. I can happily report that Twilight itself has greatly increased my appetite for the nasty, which was really awesome because, fuck, I don't even want to go into how jacked my vag was after childbirth. Why doesn't anyone warn you about that? Because the human race would fucking disappear, that's why.

    After I gave birth, I had a very painful scar in a very bad place. I couldn't stick anything down there for the longest. My doctor said, "You have to desensitize it. You need like a whooollleeee lot of lube and have your husband 'work' on it."

    It was a medical issue, people.

    So what I'm saying is, I was pretty gunshy about sticking anything in there for quite awhile, but there was so little sex in Twilight, I had to make up for it somehow. So Mr. Myg started getting a whole lot more attention, and that has got to be a lot of the reason Mr. Myg has put up with all of this for so long.

    In terms of the state of my lady bits, I am all for the full on wax, but I am terrified of the pain. I keep saying to myself, "You gave birth, for Chrissakes!"

    With how worth it you all say it is, I may have to give it a go.

    But here's my question - what's the grow out like? Itchy? And when does it get stubbly? I imagine that's quite a look.

  56. I do admire all you painwarriors, but I'm with Anon. Hair is alright. The baby girl thing creeps me out. I loved it when Mo'Nique appeared with hairy legs at the Oscars or whatever, but of course I only know about it because it was newsworthy enough to write about. Of course, hairy legs and hairy armpits are alright, but a beaver would clear out the swimming pool. Strange culture.

  57. Yes, me again. I can't extoll the metrits of waxing enough. I didn't think it hurt THAT badly, I had no discomfort even an hour after or later and I tend to go commando a lot. My husband loves it!! I have had NO itching with new growth whatsoever and that's why I only tried shaving a few times and quit. No little bumps and irritated shaving rash to contend with. I got my wax 4/13 and I am ready for a repeat from a regrowth standpoint. 1/4" hair length(my hair grows slowly).

    OK, can you tell I'm passionate about this?

  58. If anyone is interested, I can post some additional details (as I know them so far - lol - I am by no means knowledgeable here!) - tonight when i get home from work. Work is...sucky. It's work. and i have to go pay attention to it for the rest of the afternoon. Damn it.

    laters baby!

    p.s. i haven't finished MotU yet so don't tell me how it ends! I am sad that it's over thought - I am almost done with it...

  59. Never waxed, but I shave everything nice and smooth. Have for years, if I go 2 weeks without I feel like I have to break the weedwacker out.

    To answer questions about grow out - you definitely learn that some toilet paper is more friendly than others when it comes to leaving pieces behind. Adult flushable wipes come in handly for those times. The itching can be a bitch at times, especially where the panties rest. And ingrown hairs can occur in those areas as well. My friend skips that issue with just not wearing panties at all.

    Rub burn can be an issue too. If the SO is grinding against an area that has new hair growth, you can look like perhaps you need to make a quick stop to the clinic lol.

    Good times to be had ladies. But just as we appreciate a nice landscape, because seriously who wants to ruin the moment by pulling hair out of your mouth, the men appreciate it too. And we are suckers for our guys dammit. : )

  60. I go to "Brazil" every summer. It's just easier that way.

    Take a couple of advil before your appointment. The first time is the absolute worst, and then you only have to do it 4 to 5 weeks.

    Because the hairs are ripped from the root, it's not itchy or scratchy like it would be with a raiser. You should definitely buy some of the ingrown hair stuff they sell at the spa, though.

    Twilight fanfic has DEFINITELY got me trying new things...I'll leave it at that. ;)

  61. Wow. Typo much? Sorry about that, but you can tell what I'm trying to say, right? I'm trying to quickly get my comments up before my office mate gets back. :P

  62. We need ongoing commentary on this! Starting with a rip by rip account of the waxing and then periodic updates, with milestones - Mr. Snarky shying away when the stubble appears, pimples, ingrown hair, when it's time for the next wax, et al.

    STY, you've waxed for all of wussy pussy Twitardia! Now report in! Please ;-)

  63. without getting into details, and with the warning that i had been interested before but never made the jump until fanfic entered my life, i will say that i have found myself heavily inspired by all the D/s fic floating around out there. eeek. lol.

  64. @Lady Spinning- "wussy pussy"!?!?! Hahahaha classic! And oh so true! Some of these stories are making me lean more towards the "no" column.

  65. Although mine is modified to include a "pouffe" of sorts for protection from jean inseams (and cause I just can't quite go back to the bald), I'll never go back to au naturel.

    The way the hub's face transformed into some kind of starry-eyed, hand-clasping, face-splitting-grinned anime boy at the nonchalant big reveal years ago (heh heh, I love surprising him)... not to mention how convenient the tidiness is on so many levels...well, it makes the momentary sharp discomfort all worth it.

    And, if you can become adept at small talk whilst on your back with your legs in the air being intimately defoliated, well, you can pretty much make small talk in any situation.

    Next step is making it permanent with laser!

  66. Arg, blogger ate my comment. Anyway, I'm a long time reader and rare commentator, but I just have to join in here with a "me too, me too." I also blame fanfic. When I mentioned the possibility to my hubbie, he shocked the hell out of me by having it done as well. Probably a result of those frequent BJ's he was getting and some hope they'd improve even more (which they have, btw).

    We had an aesthetician come out to our house, which was a bit awkward [here, go watch this movie kids . . .]. After that, we decided we could handle inflicting and receiving that kind of torture ourselves. We've done that 2x since, and it's about time for another go round. The hair grows back way too fast! I'm definitely liking the results, but the upkeep sucks (oh, and can't forget to mention the pain, that part blows).

    **laughs out loud at my attempt at double entendres**

    Great post! Keep up the great work ladies!!

  67. all this bare bush business in the past few years has me freaked out.

    i wanna make a tee shirt that proclaims:

    "real women have pubes"

  68. @lady spinning - i think i would have to start an entire new blog for all that - lol! but... here goes with a bit more detail:

    it wasn't THAT bad.

    I definitely took an advil beforehand (seemed like the appropriate way to pregame the situation). Got to the spa and when it was my turn, I changed into the most ridiculous (and only) disposable undies I have ever donned in my life - think one small (select-a-size) sheet of ultra thin paper towel around your lady bits with some dental floss around the hips to keep in in place (barely). the first strip of wax coming off did shock me - but it was bearable pain - and just made my eyes fly open in surprise - i didn't try to make a run for it or hit anyone. imagine being slapped across the face, but lower. much lower. i was repeatedly told "the worst is over" which i think is the lie they tell you to keep you from dashing out the door half-shorn - lol! ok seriously it wasn't THAT bad. definitely sensitive afterward but i've had bikini-line waxes that have left bright red skin and this didn't (or at least it went away fast). i think i said something about it feeling like someone had aimed a flamethrower at my crotch set to "RAMBO!!!" but it was pretty much fine by the next day. I did buy the skin tend stuff that they sell to prevent in-growns; we shall see... so far, so good. i definitely would but some effort into finding the right place (especially after reading some of the cringe-worthy horror stories above - yikes!) - this probably isn't something you want to do at some run down place that does mani/pedis as their main business. i was taking my advice from Christina @ Twigasm who said make an appointment someplace reputable and tell then you want the most experienced esthetician [or is it "aesthetician"??]and that it's your first time.

    oh and as far as being embarrassed or whatnot, i just took a deep breath and told myself that this woman has seen a near-naked vagina before(oh who are we kidding - she could probably see my ovaries from where she was standing). i would consider myself a fairly modest sorta gal [really!] and it wasn't unbearably awkward (although i might not have been able to keep a straight face if JJ had come with me - lol!). i was actually laughing while she was working - nervous laughter, not "oh fa-la-la-la-la isn't this grand?!" laughter but still...

    and i have nothing against pubes - had 'em before and i'll have 'em again! but nothing wrong with experimenting with the landscape a tad here and there imho...

    : )

    p.s. jftr mr. snarky was more than pleased and we were even later than we usually are everywhere we went all weekend (but much less apologetic about it). 'nuff said.

  69. Thank Mother Fucking Nature the hubster likes it hairy. He gets pissed if I over trim! No hot wax or sharp razor blades near this hoo ha. Fuck no!

    I'm not particulary hairy, and it's very light in color already. Blessed be my cooch.

  70. @STY - thanks for the deets! It actually sounds not-that-horrible. I may investigate this...

    Also, your "isnt' this GRAND" laughter made me lol :)

    You are too awesome for doing this- and sharing!!!

  71. STY, thanks so much for sharing! I'm getting a tiny bit braver!!

    Haha! Verification: imbad. Hahahhah

  72. I was inspired by fanfic to do this last summer. I thought I would be smart so I asked my gyno to give me some kind of cream or ointment to make me numb first! She acted like she didn't even know anyone who does this, but she wrote me a script for some lidocane shit that they use when they put tubes down your throat.
    Let me just say right away - THAT was a bad idea! I don't think it numbed anything and it made the paper that was covering the bed/table thing I was reclining on come apart in little pieces that were like glued all over my butt!
    So for subsequent follow-up appointments, I've been using this stuff called "No Scream Cream". Does it work? Hmmmm. I don't really know. Does it hurt? Helz yeah! But it's over quickly. The first time I had it done, I came home and spent the night with Neosporin and an ice pack stuffed between my legs. She said something about me being "older" so my skin is thinner and yes - layers of skin did come off - in the places closest to the center!!!
    But, is it worth it? Helz yeah! My husband really liked it - two times the first night after I was back in business!
    So, yeah. I've been going back every 4-5 weeks. Even if he didn't notice it any more, I would keep doing it because it feels so nice. You will be amazed at how soft your skin feels afterwards. I've never had any ingrown hairs or itching as it was growing out.
    Yes, I totally freak the fuck out every time I walk into the place and strip from the waist down, but my aesthetician is a really sweet girl and she just keeps talking the whole time - like the ladies who do mammograms - to keep your mind off the fact that she's rubbing the left over wax off your cooter. Especially when she has to tweeze that one finicky hair that will not come out with the wax!
    I say - do it!

    I have also been inspired to get a piercing - I want it, but I can't imagine that I'll ever get up the nerve to go there! Not until TwiMom (my hero) tells us how effin' awesome it is! If she gives us the deets on how sweet it is, maybe I'll get up the nerve! Yeah, and I'll probably have to go all the way to Myrtle Beach to do it - where I can't possibly run into anyone I'll ever see again!

    @Tiffanized - thanks for the warning babe! Bless your heart! That just makes me want to go hide my toothbrush!

  73. Before ya all move on, I haven't had EVEN ONE recommendation for my first vibrator purchase.


    I waxed until the hysterectomy, now it's so thin down there I don't have to...(yep, hell geting old) Everything else works pretty well, still, especially my sense of snarky humor, fueled by you!

  74. @Kintail- I'm with the South Bend roller Girls- SB Indiana :) we're a new league extremely fresh meat so to speak :)

  75. OK @Adonica - my favorite toy is a super bullet & it has a pink bunny outfit/skin/covering

  76. @adonica - sorry! i can't say i have much expertise there and i got totally overwhelmed the time JJ and i went to the adult toy store. at the risk of sounding lame and pedestrian, drugstore.com has an "adult" section and i LOVE reading their reviews (in general, not vibrator reviews specifically - lol), so i would check there. there are numerous reputable online stores out there and if you stop into an adult brick-n-mortar store you might be surprised - the one by us was staffed by women and they would have been more than happy to discuss the merch with us if we'd chosen. : )

  77. p.s. babeland.com might be a good place to check out too - think someone else mentioned it already maybe?

    : )

    starting to feel like we need a person to come to forks to show us some toys! a little souvenir to bring back to the s/o - lol!

  78. @STY ~ I bow down to you and others who are willing to put your delicate kitty up for full scale shearing...or ripping your lady fuzz out by the fucking follicles...however you wanna put it. I wax my brows and my legs (plus, i've had 2 kids), so I don't think the pain is a dealbreaker. What would ultimately squik me the most is having my asshole spread open for a comlplete stranger's scrutiny. Fuck...it took like 5yrs before I
    let mr.pantz see my chocolate starfish! Plus, I gotta pay for that humiliation!?

    I applaud you...brave little baby alien caregiver.
    No doubt Mr.Snarky about jizzed in his pants! You should be careful with that kind of power...it can ruin lives!

    In the meantime, I blame CW&IA for making me want to pierce my nips. Like, seriously. I'mma do at least one...see how the mr. deals. Plus, I still have that pesky little tat contest going on...
    So much body mod desire, so little money and time. *sigh*


  79. @Adonica -- there is a fabulous store (based in San Francisco of course) that was I believe started by women, it's called Good Vibrations. Check out their website


    There is no other place I'd recommend more for a first time "erotic exotic" purchase. Plus they have really good product descriptions, and if you want you can email them with questions. They're very cool and I'm sure would be more than happy to help.

    I've heard people say that they really like their "rabbit" vibrators, but I have no personal exp with one. I've had a good old Oster for about 15 years. Friggin thing is as sturdy as a Hoover vacuume, just keeps on keeping on. They don't make vibrators like they used to...lol!

    VW: ectoc

  80. Sty,

    Maybe you guys should look into having an Athena party while you're in Fooooorkkkks! You could have one in one of the hotel rooms -- it's like a Tupperware or Pampered Chef party but way more fun!


    Like you need any activities to spice up your time in Forks!?!?

  81. @ vermonstermom4edward - That is exactly what I was going to post about. That they have those parties (I didn't know the name of them) where they show you all about those items. I think it would be a perfect addition to the FFOORRKKSS trip.

  82. I may be imagining things, but didn't one of the Twigasm ladies use to host those kind of parties? I think I remember seeing some tweets once that implied it - although they can make anything seem dirty, so I might have gotten it wrong...

  83. @vermonstermom4edward & Dangrdafne I've been to one of those "parties" and it was in mixed company. It was one of the funniest evenings I can remember in a long time. The Woman who brought the goodies stuck dildos with suction cups to the windows.

    Another place to look for toys is
    Adam & Eve

  84. i have been doing the brazilian for a few years. i got tired of forking (tee hee) out $60 every 6 weeks to look at my cooch, so i started waxing myself. it takes longer to do but still worth it. i like to leave the little moustache there. i exfoliate it with one of those shower poufs, otherwise i get ingrowns. my hair grows back at different rates, so i shave until all the hair is growing back, then i wax again.

    i had mr. flh wax me once. he gave me a huge lip hematoma. wasn't pretty.

  85. Wow - now to check out all those sites for my vib purchase - which will be so much more exciting than my typical $150 weekend grocery store run. Hooray!

    Very intrigued by the Brazilian discussion. I used to have to wax, and honestly, it wasn't that bad. Went bare for awhile, but I felt so awkward in the gym locker room (at the gym I belong to now, not High School, you perverts). Guess I wasn't ready to show the world my preference back then. Now, well, who's looking?

    Thanks again for the advice, Twitards. I'll give you an update after my research weekend (panting already)

    Love you all.

  86. @sty: totally no problem with experimentation!
    i think with me it's just self-consciousness. i would prefer to have pubes but have been made to feel..hmm...inferior? less of a sexy woman? because i don't go bare.
    i'm just not a fan of the trend where guys think it's abnormal for chicks to have hair. my pubes are sexy, too, dammit!

    p.s. my boss just walked up behind me while i was typing about pubes...i clicked away from the screen, i blushed, then i snickered, then she walked off...

  87. I've got an appointment today at 4:45. I'm equally excited and terrified. This is one of my hubby's birthday presents, inspired by STY and this post.

  88. @Backyard Beth - tonight you might need Neosporin and an ice pack. Maybe not. But if you are uncomfortable, don't suffer! Tomorrow you're gonna' love it!

  89. Sty,

    Maybe you guys should look into having an Athena party while you're in Fooooorkkkks! You could have one in one of the hotel rooms -- it's like a Tupperware or Pampered Chef party but way more fun!


    Like you need any activities to spice up your time in Forks!?!?

  90. STY- I have done the same thing, and for the same reason. I never thought i would want to try it, but after reading tons of fanfic i thought I would try it as a gift to my husband for his birthday. And to my great surprise I liked it just as much as he did, and continued to do it for several months now. HOWEVER, I have made one change. I do not like the total bald look because I feel like a little girl and that seems creepy, so I go for the "landing strip" in front. It hurts like a fucking bitch, but I really like the end result:)

  91. Can't....Breathe....Laughing Hysterically....

    HEY, where are the mini E pics we were promised?!!


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