Saturday, July 31, 2010

Osa Bella - Chapter 25 "Concerning Vampires" [Twilight FanFiction]

Well, hi there! Sorry for the delay, and I'm not going to keep apologizing, because even I know that gets annoying after awhile. I think I mostly apologize to Mr. Myg, champion beta that he is, because I sort of told him I'd be done with this by the end of July, and well, it just isn't.

When we last left our skippy crew, Bella was pretty danged manic, especially after having just enjoyed a nice game of seek-and-go-shtup in the woods with the talented and agile Edward, and yes, I am a little punchy. Forgive, please. So as we left it, Bella was on Reckoner with the Cullens, they'd just come up with the plan to smooth things over with the Quileute, mainly Jake who is being the big asshole here, telling everyone and their mother that he was planning to marry Bella. As fucking if, Jake, are you serious? Come on. He's up to something. I just know it! I guess we'll find out at graduation. 

But... but before graduation we have a few days where Bella and Edward have some time to hang out and think about the past, talk about the future. Hopefully kick back a little. I guess we'll just have to see, right?

ILY Osa Bella readers. You are all so amazing, supportive, fun. Shit people, I may have to drag this out to 100+ chapters just to keep you all around.

Here's your .pdf.


Concerning Vampires

Some say that in the beginning, mania is a lot like being high on E, and by E I mean Ecstasy, not Edward, though I suppose I could have considered myself high on Edward in more ways than one. It wasn't a bad high at all, but it was an intense one. As we cruised into the heart of Sequim bay the world amplified, experience opened to me like petals on a blossoming flower. I surfed swells of euphoria and withstood surges of frantic energy, heavy electrical pulses in my brain. I inhaled sweet dark breezes off the water scented with promise, lifting us into the dark night sky. It was all possible now. I was in love with a vampire. I was in love with a vampire. I was in love. With a vampire. A fucking vampire.

"How would I know if I was getting too high?" I asked Edward, blurted it out, completely random, mid some conversation I couldn't follow about Carlisle's call to Billy Black about the graduation meeting with the Quileute.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"The sky is too bright," I said. "You're all too loud and the sea is too deep. I can hear it breathing. Everything I thought wasn't real is now real. Ghosts and pixies and fairies and pegasus must exist too, right? Is there life after death? What about zombies?"

"Zombies?" Emmett said. "Seriously?"

"I wonder if I can fly."

"You can't," Edward said. "Don't try."

"Are you sure?"

"This isn't a lucid dream," he said. "It's mania. Mania doesn't give you extra powers."

"What about your venom? Will that give me extra powers?"

"I'm not sure," Edward said, and then looked at Carlisle.

"Perhaps," Carlisle added. "We have to wait and see if the effects are permanent."

I got up and climbed onto the deck, scrambling, still barefoot, feeling more surefooted than I probably was. I grabbed onto the mast and leaned back, feeling the wind chase my hair into the sky. Everything felt good. I buzzed from the base of my spine through the top of my head.

"Take the helm, Emmett," Edward said and followed me as I skipped to the bowsprit, where I then lay on my belly, hanging my head low, over the edge so I could feel the water spraying my face. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I sort of want to fight someone," I said.

"She is high," Emmett said.

"I heard that," I said. "My hearing is getting better."

"I'll fight you," Rosalie said, from back in the cockpit. "Come take a swing at me."

"Don't even think about touching her," Edward said.

I turned onto my back and looked up at the moon. I had to shield my eyes with my hands it was so bright. "Does turning into a vampire feel like this?"

"Not quite" he said.

"Well, coming out of the transition does, sort of," Jasper said, climbing towards us. He and Alice sat next to Edward and studied me. "Nothing feels real when you first come out of it. It's like a permanent dream. And then the edges of reality are always a little fuzzy afterwards."

"All I remember is this," Alice sighed.

"What's the transition like?" I asked.

"Days of pure agonizing, death-wishing hell," Rosalie said bitterly, coming onto the deck and sitting tentatively next to Alice. "You will never experience a more painful thing in your life."

"I remember," I said, eyes wide, bolting upright. "I remember now."

"Remember what?" Edward said.

"Begging you to kill me," I said. "I remember the pain of your bite. Jesus, that was terrible. It's like that for everyone?"

"Yes but it goes on for days," Rosalie said. "And when it's over? You're this. Forever."

"That's what I want."

"No, you don't," she said.

"You're all stunningly beautiful," I said. I got up and walked, not carefully enough, back towards the cockpit. Edward caught me as I stumbled once towards the portside. "You have super strength, hearing, vision. You never age, and you're all immortal. It doesn't seem so bad to me."

"Yes, but we're monsters," Rosalie said, climbing back into the cockpit behind Alice.

"You've got to stop thinking of yourself like that, Rose," Esme said. "You work so hard to rise above it, and you are very successful. It's an important accomplishment. Can't you allow yourself to feel good about that?"

"It doesn't matter," she said. "We are frozen in time and we have no afterlife. All we can do is make more monsters and crave blood."

"That's not entirely true," Emmett said, putting his arm around her shoulder and pulling her close. "We crave other things."

"I remember waking into this reality over three centuries ago," Carlisle said. "I was horrified, honestly. It felt very much like madness."

"Do you have a maker or someone like that?"

"No," he said. "I'd been left for dead. When I came through the transition I swore I would fight with everything I had against the desire to murder."

"He was the first of our kind to successfully resist it," Edward said. "He was the one who proved you could be a vampire and not be a killer."

"But we still are damned," Rosalie said. "We can't move on from this world."

"How do you know?" I asked.

"Everyone knows that," she said.

"I know everyone believes it," I said. "But are you absolutely sure? I mean, are there vampire ghosts that come back from the dead and tell you, hey, it sucks, try not to get yourself killed?"

"Vampire ghosts?" Alice said. "You are high."

"I feel high. Like, very high."

"You need to sleep before you get any higher," Edward said.

"I'm not sleepy."

"We can fix that," he said.

"What do you mean you can fix it? How?"

"You really have a lot to learn about vampires," Rosalie said, shaking her head at me like I was a naive child, and I suppose to them I was, being only thirty to their collected centuries of life, or rather, I guess you'd call it "undead" experience.

"I'm trying to learn," I said. "You've got to teach me."

"He can hypnotize you with a look," she said. "And once you're hypnotized, he can get you to do pretty much anything."

"So that's why Jake is all freaked out about me not being with you of my own will?" I asked Edward. "He thinks you hypnotized me? Like those guys who can make people act like a chicken in front of crowds of high school students and they don't remember it?"

"You're not that suggestible," Edward said.

"Have you hypnotized me?"

"Not recently," he said, looking a little uncomfortable.

"Oh sure you have," Rosalie said. "What about the Mercy Brown show?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, curious. "I thought that was just the guitar playing."

"That's not recent. It's been a long time since I did anything like that to you."

"When else? The sail over spring break?" I said. "Did you use it to convince me to go?"

"Reckoner didn't need my help," he said. "That was all her."

"Well, you haven't needed any vampire tricks," I said. "I've wanted you ever since I first saw you."

Edward turned to Rosalie as if to snub her and for once she didn't give him the vicious bitch brow, she didn't scoff, she just gave a small smile back. I could tell despite her bitterness, she was very attached to her family, Edward included. Even I had begun to grow on her. And for certain she'd grown on me, as they all had, strange and beautiful undead creatures that they were. Maybe they were vampires, but I was already thinking of them as my vampires.

As we rode cresting white caps under the moon, I could feel the decades of time these beings had together in the ease of their conversation, the openness of their expressions. I imagined them wandering the landscape of this earth in search of some higher purpose they believed had been denied them all by circumstance. Sadness filled my heart at the thought of them stuck here on earth as it fell further and further into decay, without any chance of moving on, if indeed there was a world to move on to from this one, and that was something that they had no further proof of than I did.

I wished I could do something for them to show them how good I thought they were, how much I believed in them and their philosophy. How impressive it was to me that despite being created as predators they had consciously chosen to survive without human blood out of some sense of empathy with their former humanity. How unique, I assumed, this made them among vampires. How incredible it was that they could choose a different destiny for themselves. If all I could  do for them was to love every single one of them for what—who—they were, then I would at least do that.

And then there was Edward, who was fast becoming my all-consuming reason for being awake and alive in the world. The more I allowed myself to experience the intense attachment I'd fought so long to keep at bay, the more I felt alive inside that sacred space that two people create when they are really, fully in love. I'd been born fully into that circle now with him. I didn't ever want to leave.

"Are you okay?" he asked, looking at me intently as my thoughts raced.

"I love you," I said. "That's all."

"I love you too," he said.

"Then change me," I said.

"Bella." Edward gave me a warning look. "We've already discussed this."

"We didn't finish discussing it."

"You actually want to be a vampire—after all you know now?" Rosalie said.

"I want to be with Edward."

"You don't have to be a vampire for that," he said.

"I don't want to die and leave you. I'm serious."

"If she dies she'll move into the next world and you'll be stuck here for eternity without her. How can you not change her?" Alice asked. "If that's what she wants?"

Edward shook his head. "Who's side are you on?" he asked Alice.

"Bella's side," she said. "Obviously."

"Thank you Alice," I said. "Maybe you can change me if he won't."

"Sure, I'll do it," she said. "Just let me know when."

"Oh, all right, fine then," he said, exasperated, "if you're all going to be so insistent about it." Edward pulled me into his arms and put me into a dramatic dip. "Are you ready right now, Bella?" he asked.

"Yes." I said, trembling. I squeezed my eyes shut as my heart began to pound. "Hurry. Before I lose my nerve."

"Okay, then," he said. "See you on the other side. Good luck."

He ran his hand through my hair and then caressed my neck. He kissed me on the forehead and then I winced as I felt his lips touch my neck. He paused and I heard Emmett and Jasper snicker. "Bella, open your eyes," Edward said.

I opened them and they all began to laugh.


"How can you possibly commit to immortality with me when you're not even ready to commit to marriage?"

“Is that sadistic sense of humor something you picked up at the Vampire Academy?” I said.

“No, that's just him," Emmett said.

"Sorry,” Edward said, trying to contain the smart ass smile on his face.

“It isn’t funny. I was being serious.”

“Well if we’re being serious then know this. There is no way I’m turning you into a vampire if you’re not marrying me.”

“Okay, fine,” I said. “Are you going to ask me again?”

"Right now?"

"I could ask you, you know," I said.

"I suppose that's true. I mean, this isn't the 1950s, right?"

"You'd hate that, wouldn't you?"

"Very much so."

"How long are you going to make me wait?"

"How long are you going to make the rest of us wait?" Alice asked. Rosalie poked an elbow into her side.

"I waited a long time to ask the first time," Edward said. "You've got to give me a little bit more than twenty-four hours to plan the do-over."

"Come on," Alice said. "You're such a perfectionist. It's a perfect time to ask. We're all here!"

"Alice, it's between Edward and Bella," Esme said. "Don't pressure him."

"I already know the answer this time, anyway," Alice said, and Edward turned to give her a curious smile.

"You've seen it?" I asked.

"I can see it all over your face," she said. "That's more reliable than any vision I've ever had."

We headed back to the marina outside of Port Angeles, and as they took their leave I gave each vampire a hug, even Rosalie, and she gave me one of those quick pats on the back, but she didn't snarl or act otherwise repulsed. Emmett hugged me and lifted me off my feet. "You're a good sport," he said. "I like that in a human."

Alice squeezed me and chattered about Edward flying me to Paris with her and Rose for massive expenditures on clothing once all this nonsense with the Quileute was dealt with. I hugged Jasper too, and he reeled, just a little from it, but it didn't stop him from giving me a small hug back.

"Have fun you two," he said. "See you Saturday."

"We are very, very glad Edward found you, dear Bella," Carlisle said as he held me close, and then he grazed my cheek with a light kiss as he took his leave. Esme kissed me on the cheek as well, like a future mother-in-law might, giving me a most satisfied smile.

"Welcome to our family," she said.

And then once they were off the boat, they just disappeared into the night, like June bugs that stopped flitting and faded into the stars.

"Are we staying here tonight?" I asked him when they were all gone.

He didn't answer me. Instead he just looked at me in that peculiar way of his, and then I could remember the few other times he'd given me quite that look. It was the look that quieted my mind, stilled my heart, reached deep inside of me and touched something I didn't even know was there. Just as I was about to close my eyes, he smiled and caught me in his arms. "How did you do that?" I asked, yawning.

"Vampire skills," he said. Then he helped me down to the stateroom and lay me in the berth. "Sleep now. I've got a lot planned for you for the next couple of days."

"How much of it involves you being naked?" I said sleepily and he laughed.

The last thing I felt was the cold, reassuring touch of his goodnight kiss on my lips.


When I woke up and realized I was still safely cradled in Reckoner's stateroom, I burst into tears, just for a moment. I was still with Edward. I was inside his ship, inside his heart. It was the best dream I'd ever had and it wasn't ending, which made it better than any dream could ever be. I couldn't wait to see him.

I climbed up the companionway to the cockpit and saw the moon, as huge as the sky itself, hovering what felt like inches from the tip of the mast, now naked with its sails tied up along the beam. We were at anchor. But Edward wasn't on the deck, and he wasn't in the cockpit. He wasn't down in the cabin, either. The dinghy was still floating behind us, so he wasn't on shore. A quick scan of the nearby landfall confirmed that as well. I looked out towards the water, towards the moon, and then I saw him many yards off. Swimming. Under the moon.

"Hey sailor!" I called to him. He turned his head towards me and waved and began to swim to where Reckoner and I waited. Just like Lake Crescent, I thought. Only a thousand times better because this time I wouldn't just peek. I'd gawk.

"You're awake," Edward said as he came near the boat and treaded water.

"It's still dark. I guess I didn't sleep very long."

"It's Thursday night—you've been out for nearly twenty hours," he said.

"No! Really?

"Yes, really. You sleep like a champ."

"I can't believe you let me miss a whole day of sailing with you," I said. "Why didn't you wake me up this morning?"

"You needed the rest. How do you feel?"

I instinctively checked my pulse.

"You're fine," he said. "A nice, steady 70 beats a minute."

"How do you know?"

"I can hear it," he said. "It's my favorite sound in the world."

"Where are we?"

"Shaw Island," he said. "In the San Juans"

"How's the water?"

"Great," he said. "If you have no pulse."

"I'm coming in," I said, stripping my nightgown off.

"It's too cold for you," he said. "I'll be right out—don't move."

I stood naked in the cool air, waiting, feeling his eyes wander over me as my skin reflected the soft rays of the moon.

"It feels like this moon has been full for a month," I said. "Did you enchant it so it would stay and light our nights?"

"Maybe," he said, watching me.

"I thought you were coming out?" I said.

"In a minute," he said. "Turn around."

"No way. I get to peek this time."

"I want to look at your ass."

I laughed and turned a little to the side, looking over my shoulder, watching him inspect me. Then I heard him practically fly out of the water, but I leapt out of his reach to the bowsprit.

"Impressive," he said as he stalked up the deck towards me, naked and dripping cold water onto the wooden boat. I stood there, arms crossed, tapping my foot pretending to be impatient as I watched him. As his hand reached for my waist, I tossed myself right off the side of the boat and dove headlong into the frigid depths of the cove.

It was fucking cold. So cold I was afraid my heart might stop.

"Holy shit!" I heard him say when I popped my head out of the water. "Bella? What the hell are you doing?"

"Swimming," I said. "It's cold as hell."

"I told you," he said. "You'll get hypothermia. Get out of there."

"I'll come out in a minute." I began to stroke, plunging my hands into the water and propelling myself towards the moon. Several lengths out I turned to the boat and looked at him, full length, naked, glittering in the moonlight, drops of water reflecting soft light from him like small prisms. His hair was tousled, twisted strands glistening all over his head. The broad expanse of his shoulders were slightly flexed as he rested his hands on his hips. He stood looking some cross between perplexed, annoyed and wondering. My eyes wandered down his torso and despite the fifty degree water I tread, I felt myself getting warm as I lowered my gaze to his legs, and that part of him that hung comfortably there, very there. I tried not to blush as he smiled at me gawking at him. "Turn around," I said.

Without warning he dove in after me. I tried to swim away from him but he caught me quickly, with little contest. "This brave new you is really making me work," he said as he pulled me to him and swam us both towards the boat. I couldn't stop smiling as I felt his arms strong around me, pulling me along as I lay on my back, my head on his shoulder, my feet trailing lazily in our wake.

"I'm supposed to swim every day," I said. "Doctor's orders."

"Not in fifty degree water," he said. "I'll have to work you out some other way."

"Swimming is low impact," I said.

"Since when are you a fan of low impact anything?"

"I'm not," I said. "As you know."

"Up the ladder, Swan," he said as we reached the stern of the boat. I clambered up, into the cockpit and squeezed the excess water out of my hair. He tossed me a towel and we both dried off. Then he went down into the cabin and brought back a wool blanket and wrapped it around me and put his jeans on.

"I don't see why you're bothering with those," I said.

"Watch it or I'll lock all your clothes up and make you stay naked until Saturday."

"You say that like I'd care," I said.

"God, I love you more and more every minute." He sat down and kissed me on the nose. "Are you hungry?"

"Starving," I said. "Completely famished."

Edward could cook, as it turned out, another reason I was now determined to marry him. So I threw on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans as he prepared me a simple meal of bread, grilled salmon and greens and I ate every morsel as though it might be my last meal. I was always hoping now that each meal would be my last, that there would be some moment of weakness and I'd convince him to turn me. So I enjoyed the meal for its simplicity and its sustenance and its representation of all those human things I would most certainly miss once my time came to shed them for eternity.

I was cleaning up the galley as he sat at the chart table, plotting a course around the San Juans, marking the places he wanted to show me along the way. I looked at him now, thought of him not as some forbidden object of my affection, as he had been just over a month ago when we were in these very places doing these same tasks, but as my future husband.

“I want to know everything about you,” I said. “I want to know the names of every person in your biological family—cousins, aunts and uncles too. I want to know your grades from kindergarten on. I want to know the name of every girl you ever kissed, and what you hoped for your future when you were really seventeen. Tell me everything.”

“Well, that is a lot," he said, looking up from the chart table and smiling at me. "It may take awhile.”

“I’m not going anywhere. And I want full details.”

He laughed and then came over to where I stood and lead me by the hand into the stateroom. He lay on the berth, then propped himself with some pillows. I climbed up next to him and lay down, settling in for a good, long tale.

“I was born Edward Anthony Masen Jr. on June 20th, 1901 in Chicago,” he began. “My mother’s name was Elizabeth and my father, Edward Sr., was a lawyer…”


And so Edward told me the details of his short human life. He had no biological siblings and had been extremely close with his mother as a child. They were a fairly typical upper middle class family living in the suburbs of Chicago in the early 1900s. And yes, she did have a closet full of dresses just like the one I'd worn at prom, and no, I didn't look like his mother. She'd been a blonde, but apparently she had a flair for humor and I had a feeling I would have liked her very much if I'd ever been able to make her acquaintance.

Edward had dreamed of becoming a doctor, but when World War I started, he wanted to fight for his country and so decided to become a soldier. That didn’t surprise me at all. When the first wave of Spanish Influenza hit, his father died and he put his plans to enlist on hold so he could take care of his mother. Then the second wave of the flu hit, taking both him and his mother with it. Carlisle had been the attending doctor at the hospital where Edward and Elizabeth lay dying. Edward’s mother had implored Carlisle to save him, to do everything within his power to see that he lived. Carlisle snuck Edward from the hospital back to his home and transformed him and adopted him as his own son. Edward had been his first conversion.

Next to the Cullen family came Esme. Carlisle fell in love with her as she lay dying in his Emergency Room after she'd attempted suicide after the death of her only child. He transformed her and they became mates.

And next they found Rosalie.

“That’s a whole other story,” he said.

“I want to know,” I said. “Everything.”

“It's horrible," he said. "Rosalie was brutally assaulted by her fiance and his friends and then left for dead in the road.“ His eyes flashed with rage as he spoke. "Carlisle came along and smelled all the blood and found her, dying. He tried to save her life but he was too late. He couldn't bear to let her die that way, so he brought her home to us."

“Oh no,” I said. “No wonder she’s so… “

“Mean?” Edward said with a small laugh. “You should probably know, Carlisle transformed her hoping that she would become my mate.”

"Really? You two were…"

"No, never."

"I thought she and Emmett… “

“Yes, they’re married,” he said. “They’ve been together since 1935. Rosalie and I never tried to be more than siblings, and even that has been a stretch,” he said.

"Why didn't it work out between you and her?"

"We're completely incompatible," he said. "She resents me because she believes the only reason Carlisle turned her was for me. Before she met Emmett, she swore she would have rather died."

"How terrible," I said.

"We've learned to deal with each other," he said. "Some days are better than others."

“Did you ever have a mate of your own, then?” I asked, hoping he’d say no, knowing that was a stupid hope to have.

“No," he said, smirking a little.

"What about Mercy?" I asked. "You've been with her, I know."

"Yes, okay, we've been together," he said. "But it was never serious between us."

"Why not?" I started to feel my heart pound a little. How could he possibly prefer me over someone like Mercy Brown? "I know it's not because she doesn't sail."

“I could never commit to a relationship with her.  She's known that since I've known her.”

“You don’t strike me as the ‘can’t make a commitment’ type."

“I’m not.”

“So what was the problem?” I asked. "She's smart, beautiful, talented. She's already a vampire so you don't have to worry about her ever getting hurt or sick or dying. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be with her."

Edward stopped, a curious smile on his face. A new softness fell around his eyes. He put his hands to my face and pulled me to him and then kissed me softly on the lips.


“I couldn't commit to anyone else because I knew you were coming,” he said.

His words blew the cloud cover of my rationalizations, expectations, and summations about what had been happening to me away, not just in the last few days of knowing he was a vampire, not just in the last several months of knowing him, but all of it. Every step I'd taken upon this earth had been leading me right here.

"For how long?” I asked, my eyes tearing up.

“Fifty-two very long years.” He brushed a tear from the corner of my eye and then kissed me there.

"Alice had a vision of us."

"How could that be?"

"I swear I don't know. I've never seen anything like it, and neither has Alice," he said. "At first I looked all over for you. After a few years went by, I thought maybe it wasn't a vision, but a projection of some sort. I tried to give up on it, but then Alice would have the vision again."

"That's incredible," I said.

"You have no idea how crazy it made me, searching for you. I felt like I'd fallen in love with a hallucination. And I could see this vision of hers in vivid detail, which isn't how it normally works at all. Usually I can just hear thoughts like someone is speaking. This? I could see the dress you were wearing, the way you'd fixed your hair, the sunset. I'd memorized every detail."

"What was the vision?"

"Our dance at prom." He took both my hands in his. "But for all those years I believed it was a vision of us dancing at our wedding."

"Oh Edward," I said, burying my face into his neck. "Is that why you were so upset that night?"

"Yes," he said. "When I realized the vision was from a damned high school dance I realized that the future might not work out the way I'd planned."

"No wonder you were so pissed when I got engaged."

"You have no idea how many times Carlisle and Illeana had to talk me out of stalking Derek Banner. And then that dog Jacob Black, when I saw him the morning after he was with you, God help him.”


And then I didn’t want to hear him talk about Jacob, Derek, Mercy or anyone else. In fact, I didn’t want to hear him talk at all right then, so I just kissed him with all of the intensity I felt in my heart. He returned my kiss and placed his hand on top of my pounding heart. Then he pushed me gently down to the berth and stripped me naked in seconds. He studied me in such a way that made me feel more than naked, if that was possible, his eyes lingering like I was a prized painting… or maybe a banquet. My heart rate accelerated, my skin tingled as he lightly traced the contours of my chin, my neck, my shoulder.

"Sometimes I still can't believe you're real," he said.

"I know the feeling."

Then he lovingly touched the shiny, bite-shaped scar on my neck, causing me to shiver, my nipples to harden and my desire to flow hot in my veins. His gentle touch to that spot on my body, the place where his essence, his venom, had both entered and exited me, reminded me that this part of me would always be irrevocably his. I squeezed my thighs together and felt the the dampness between my legs. Edward breathed deeply and then looked into my eyes.

"For fifty-two years I've been in love with a vision of you. Then when I finally have you in the flesh, it's all I can do to keep myself from devouring you completely."

"I want you to devour me," I said. His eyes flickered and he tightened his jaw, his mouth in a straight line, unexpressive. I swore then I could see that vampire part of him, imprisoned behind all that careful restraint. I wanted to release him. I wanted to engage. "What if you just devour part of me?" I sat up and faced him, kissing him lightly, slipping my hot, needy tongue into his mouth.

"Now, that sounds pretty good," he said. "Which part should I start with?" He ran his hand down my belly and then down between my legs as ran his lips along my jawline to my ear. Then he took my ear between his teeth and slipped his tongue around my earlobe. "Should I start here?"

He kissed me on the lips again and I ran my tongue across his lips playfully. He caught it between his teeth and held it there delicately. Those teeth, I thought. Those teeth with such power to strip me of my mortal self. I ran my tongue along the underside of his teeth and he sucked on it lightly, pulling me into his lap.

And then I did something very, very bad.

As he began to lose himself inside of that kiss, pressing his lips more intently to mine, I nipped my tongue and felt a slight sting. Then I tasted blood. I pushed my tongue back into his mouth and Edward gasped, surprised. He groaned, greedy as he pushed me back down to the berth and held my head in his hand, holding me still as he sucked the blood off my tongue and then through my tongue.

I started to climax under him, first gentle waves that rippled from the tips of my toes, to my fingerprints to the ends of my hair and they began to build, stronger now, stronger again as he drew more blood from me, and then I saw her again, just like two nights before, the white bear floated on the ceiling of the cabin. I cried out, rapturous, fading into light particles as I felt my blood flow into Edward's mouth. I shuddered beneath him as my orgasm peaked and then peaked higher.

Edward groaned again, this time as though he was in pain and then he released my tongue, ran his own over it and I felt the sharp burn of his venom sealing the cut, but not coursing through me. He gripped my shoulders and pried himself off of me, practically heaving with the exertion it cost him. He leapt from the bed and stood on the other side of the room, glowering.

"Come back," I said, sitting up.

"Never, ever do that again," he said, shaking with anger, his eyes blood red and glowing. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to stop myself? I could have killed you just now."

"You're not going to kill me."

"Jesus Christ, Bella. You don't understand what you've done here." Edward turned and stormed out of the stateroom, out of the cabin and up onto the deck.


Give him a few minutes, I thought to myself. Let him calm down.

My own heart pounded, exhilarated. I sat and took deep breaths until I felt calmer, and then pulled on a t-shirt and jeans and crept up to the deck.

He was standing at the bowsprit, staring out at the water. I knew he heard me but he didn't turn to look.

"I'm so angry with you right now I don't even know what to do. I can't even think," he said.

"I'm sorry."

"I have to be able to trust you not to do things like that to me."

"I know," I sighed and then sat down on the deck, hung my legs down over the side. "I don't even know why I did it."

"I do," he said.

"You do?"

"Yeah," he said. "It turns you on."

I blushed then because it was true. "That's really fucked up, right?"

"It's really dangerous, and you're not just putting yourself in danger here. The last thing I want is to become a predator again."

"Let me make it up to you," I said.

"Oh, you will," he said. "But I'm too pissed off at you right now."

"Okay," I said. "But can I just say something?"


"Come on. You're overreacting."

"Bella, this is your life we're talking about, okay? There is no over reacting to your life in danger. None."

"My life was never in danger."

"That just isn't true. I am really a vampire, I really can kill you by draining you of your blood."

"I wanted to please you."

"You most definitely did not please me. That's like giving an alcoholic a coveted rare vintage and only letting him stick his nose in the glass."

"I'm sorry. When you put it like that…"

"Sorry isn't good enough. How the hell am I supposed to trust you?"

"I don't know," I said. "You just are."

"We're going to have to have some rules," he said.

"Okay, fine, if it will make you more comfortable."

"From now on, when it comes to sex you do what I tell you to do, when I tell you to do it. You don't approach me, you don't touch me. You wait for me to tell you it's okay."

"No, I hate that."

"Too bad. For now that's how it has to be."


"Because I have to trust you won't pull some crazy stunt like shoving your bloody tongue in my mouth."

"What if I refuse to do something you tell me to do?"

"You won't."

"Wait a minute," I said. "Are you going to use vampire tricks on me?"

"Please, Bella. I don't need to use vampire tricks on you for that."

There was still much I had to learn about vampires. First of all, being above humans on the food chain, they can be quite condescending. Edward's vampire confidence was definitely part of what made him hot but it could also annoy the shit out of me. Like now, when in the heat of his anger, he was punishing me by not allowing me near him without permission.

"Now get yourself down to the stateroom and change into something that shows you off a little and then wait for me on the berth."

"Are you serious?"


It was my moment of truth. I'd like to say I was oppositional, difficult, argumentative. I'd like to say I was assertive at least, or that I questioned his new rules beyond the discussion we just had. There was a very insistent part of my mind that said "Don't take that shit." But sadly, it lost out to the part of my mind that said, "Oh my God, he's going to fuck me. Yay!"

So then I quickly found myself down in the stateroom, digging into my trunk, hoping Alice had dropped some coin on lingerie and I was not disappointed to see there was quite a decent selection available. I suppose she'd anticipated the likelihood of a honeymoon in the near future, and despite the current little mess I was embroiled in with my love, the thought still made me smile.

I opted for a sheer black negligee and a black lace tanga and nothing else. Then I lay on the berth and waited, waited, waited and waited. But heard nothing. No movement from above at all. I considered poking my head out of the door, going up to the deck to see what he was doing, but then thought better of it.

And so I waited some more. I don't know if was fifteen minutes or three hours, but it felt like days he made me wait. The water lapped against Reckoner's hull. Moonlight shone through the portholes in the stateroom and I turned off the lights and thought maybe I'd just drift back to sleep, but I wasn't tired.

The longer I waited, the more guilt I felt for what I'd done to him. And the more I longed for him to come to me so I could do something to undo it, although I knew it wouldn't be possible.

I stared out the porthole, twisting the edge of my negligee in my fingers, considering what it really meant to be in love with a vampire. He was the predator. I was the prey. I'd seemed to have forgotten that basic fact, and I couldn't say I had any fear of him at all. I only had fear of losing him.

And then he was finally at the door.

"Hi," I said, feeling tentative.

"Get on your hands and knees," he said.

I hesitated only because I was so aroused by his command I felt stunned. Then I moved into position, my heart pounding so loudly I was sure to him it sounded like a beating kick drum was lodged in my chest. I was dripping between my legs as I heard him approach me, but I didn't turn to face him. He walked around the berth, inspecting me. Then he lifted the edge of my negligee so it uncovered my ass.

"Edward, I'm… " I began to say.

"Shut up," he said. "Don't speak again until I give you permission."

Oh God! I thought. Why does that turn me on? Who knew? He ran his cold hand up the back of my thigh, onto my ass and held it there. Then he slid a finger into my panties and slipped it along me, just barely inside of me until I was panting.

"I should punish you for what you've done here tonight," he said. "You have no idea the danger you put yourself in. It must never, ever happen again." I began to tremble and I wanted to speak but still did not. "How well can you listen, Bella? That's what I need to know. You can speak now."

"Are you going to hit me?"

"Bella, if I hit you I'll break you," he said. "That's not what I want. I'm trying to keep you safe."

"What do you mean by 'punish me?'"

"I mean arouse you and then deny you, so you can feel just a taste of what you've done to me."

"I'm afraid."

"Good. You should be. You are far too confident of your new situation." My face burned hot with embarrassment and indignation. Then I felt tears in my eyes and watched as they began to fall onto the bed. He took a step away from me and crossed his arms and I lowered my head, turned my face away from him. "So we see where each other's limits are now, I guess."

"I'm not afraid of you, vampire," I said.

"Oh is that so? What are you afraid of then?"

"I'm afraid of losing you again."

He stepped back from me and exhaled, a heavy sigh. "Bella, sit down."

I sat on the edge of the bed and wiped the tears from my eyes. Edward knelt on the floor before me and took my hands in his.

"Listen to me and know this. No matter how angry you make me, you are never going to lose me. Not until I am utterly destroyed, my limbs ripped from my body and burned to bits could you ever lose me. Not in an eternity will anything take me from your side. The only way you'll lose me now is to send me away yourself."

"I want you to trust me again."

"Then you absolutely must abide me in this way as long as you are human. Can you agree to that?"


"No begging, taunting, pleading. No surprises. Otherwise, no sex. And you have no idea how long I can abstain if need be."

"That would be cruel and unusual," I said. "You wouldn't dare."

"Don't try me."

"I'm pretty sure you'd have a hard time with abstinence on this little boat after awhile."

"Bite yourself again and see what happens then. I'll make you ride in the dinghy."

"I don't know how to be submissive."

"Well, you certainly enjoy being told what to do." I blushed from head to toe. "You're just not very experienced with that sort of thing, I know."

"Do I need a safe word or something?"

"I'm not going to hurt you," he said. "I'd rather die than hurt any part of you. This arrangement is to keep me from hurting you and to keep you from tempting me to hurt you."

"But all I want is for you to relax and feel safe to be yourself with me."

"Well I definitely don't feel that way now. I'm sorry."

"Damn it. I am so, so sorry, Edward."

"Are you going to be okay doing things my way?"

"Yes, but I'm probably not going to be good at it."

"You'll do fine as long as you do as you're told. And if you don't, then no sex."

"That sucks," I said.

"That's the deal," he said. "And seriously, Bella? If you ever stick your bloody tongue in my mouth again, I will hogtie you down here and keep you like that until you forget your own name."

"Okay, okay."

"Lay down now."

I lay back on the berth and he lay beside me, on his side, propped up on an elbow and then he turned a lock of my hair between his fingers, something I noticed he did often now. This little gesture of affection usually made me smile, but tonight instead it made me pensive and sad, because I realized what had transpired between us. I had found Edward's weakness. No wonder he came back at me with such aggression. I felt awful, having trespassed in such an unkind way into territory that made him feel so unsure.

"I wish you could read my mind," I said.

"Let me try," he said and put his lips to my forehead. I closed my eyes and tried to just open my heart, broadcast my apology. I felt fresh tears roll down the side of my head, onto the blanket, and then felt his lips soothing the salty path between the corner of my eye and my ear. I didn't reach for him though, even when my heart desperately desired it. "I know you're sorry. It's okay. I'm sorry I got so angry with you."

"I broke your trust," I said.

"You found my limit, that's all," he said. "This is all very new to you still and there are things you need to learn. I don't mean to condescend, Bella. It's just the way it is."

"I know, I know," I said. "But I feel terrible."

"Well you have to stop feeling terrible now. I command it."

"You don't get to command anything other than sexual favors," I said. "Those are the rules."

"Okay, fine, then I command you cheer up so I can fuck you. How am I going to fuck you if you're guilt ridden and stressed out?"

I laughed.

"Make a wish."

"A wish?"

"Yeah, a wish. I'm feeling generous."

"I really wish you would propose to me again," I said.

"You're already getting that," he said, kissing me. "Wish for something else." I smiled as he turned me over to my belly and then pulled my hair away from my neck and kissed me right at the base of my skull. The touch of his lips there emptied my mind of every last bad feeling I had about what I'd done. I sighed happily as he pulled my negligee over my head and started kissing my back. Then he moved my knees apart and slid a hand along the inside of my thigh.

“Fine, then," I said. "I want a back rub. A very good back rub.”

“Really? Is that all? I thought you might ask for a Z4 or something.”

“You think I'm going to settle for a BMW when you're driving an Aston Martin? Anyway, the back rub I can get right now. I hate waiting for wishes to come true." I started to relax as his hands began kneading forcefully into my shoulders.

“Oh, all right I suppose,” he said. “Though I’d rather rub something else right now.” His thumbs pressed into the top of my neck, just where it meets my head. I felt an intense release of tension and exhaled.

“Oh my God, that’s better than sex,” I said. “Even vampire sex.”

“You are pretty tense. Maybe I shouldn’t have worked you up like that.” He moved his hands quickly down my back, thrusting his thumbs into all the little knots and letting them go.

“I know, you’re a beast. Just look what you’ve done to me.”

“Look what you’ve done to me,” he said, rubbing his hard cock against my ass. “I say we’re even.”

“Not even close,” I argued. He pulled my hips up so I was on my hands and knees before him and pressed himself to me. “No way. You can't be done already,” I said. I tried to hold my ground but I was already so wet from his hands working over me, the feel of his cock against me, that I didn’t even believe myself.

“Bella, I haven’t even started,” he said as he cupped my breast in one hand and started to knead it softly between his fingers. I moaned and arched my back and couldn’t help pressing my ass to him. Then he pushed me back down on the bed and began working over my back methodically with his hands, hitting every sore nerve ending, every hot acupressure spot, loosening all of my muscles, releasing every last bit of tension in my body. Then he took his hands and worked them over my legs and the bottoms of my feet, a special kind of heaven.

"I cannot believe how good I feel right now," I said. "Can you do that every day?"

"Roll over. I want to look at you."

I flipped to my back and he stood at the foot of the berth, his eyes wandering up and down my body, bringing me easily from that state of heavy relaxation back to readiness. He lifted my leg and then kissed the inside of my ankle, cool over the bone, sending a current of sensation right up my leg. I sucked in my breath as he moved his lips gradually up my leg. He climbed onto the berth, forcing my legs apart before him, his teeth lightly grazing on the way up until I was overcome with need for him. I put my hands into his hair like I was holding on for life as he began to lick and suck the skin of my inner thigh. Would I come just from the proximity of his mouth? Maybe.

"Breathe, Bella," he said.

As I inhaled I felt the edge of his tongue sliding along me, delving into the wetness and as I exhaled he dragged it slowly around my hard clit and slipped his finger up inside of me and all I could think was Jesus, I need his cock. Right. Now.

“Please fuck me,” I said. “Please. Now. Right now.”

“What did I say about begging?” he said into my thigh as he slid two fingers back inside of me and then moved his tongue deftly over my clit in a steady rhythm. I moaned and tightened around his fingers and then he pulled them out of me, flipped me on my belly, pulled my hips up to him and teased me with the tip of his cock.

“I’m… oh…” and just at that moment he plunged deep into me, riding right into the center of my building orgasm. I moaned as his quick, hard thrusts pushed me higher and higher up to the crest.

“Come,” he said. “Right now.”

It wasn’t like he had to tell me twice. As soon as he said it, I clenched tight around his cock and came hard, working it over as he gradually slowed his thrusts.

“See? You listen very well,” he whispered in my ear. I felt my face grow hot with the insinuation as my involuntary shuddering told him all he needed to know about that subject.

He rolled me onto my back again and kissed me forcefully, filled my mouth with his tongue and I opened myself to him even further. He pushed my knees back and plunged himself hard and deep into me. My body tightened around him and I began to moan softly as I crested again.

“Wait,” he said. “Not yet.”

“You’re killing me,” I cried, out of breath, doing all I could to control myself from slipping over that edge.

“Trust me,” he said, cradling my head with his hand as he slowed his strokes.

“No, no, don’t slow down... Please,“ I begged him again. He shook his head at me and then cupped his hand over my mouth and I throbbed beneath him. Then he gripped me tight by the back of my neck, holding my head like a vice. I gasped as I felt his mouth on my neck, his cold lips sending that pulsing current back out into every part of my body. I felt myself clench tighter around his cock as he dragged his tongue right over the bite mark. He gripped my head and held it fast as he began to fuck me harder. I moaned even louder as his thrusts became more intense. “Oh please,” I begged. “Let me come now, Edward. Please.”

“No,” he said.

I felt myself drench below at his refusal, holding myself back. I didn't even consider the possibility that I could defy him. I felt his release near as he quickened his strokes and my body followed suit, yielding to him in every possible way. I didn’t care what he required from me as long as he kept fucking me like that. I tensed every muscle in my body, working to hold on as he continued to fuck me relentlessly, his grip around my neck getting tighter and tighter.

“Okay Bella, come now,” he said, the tension clear in his voice. I finally let go, came as hard as I ever had, pulsing, drawing him in and in again. The force of his orgasm sent me out to another realm, like it carried some secret spell of the life force that made my body behave like endless vibration, at one with the universe itself.

I didn’t want to come back from this. Ever.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Bloggess Owes Me $12. Or I Owe The Bloggess $30,000. One of Those.

Those of you who follow along closely here at Twitarded might know that I have a huge girl-crush on The Bloggess. She actually agreed to marry Jenny Jerkface and me.

Blogger Jenny, the Bloggess said...

I so love you. And I accept. I'll be the one not wearing white.

I forget if she was going to perform the ceremony or actually enter into wedlock with us - it's all a little fuzzy. But I’m secretly hoping that she comes to Forks with us even thought I know the two of us would end up hiding in a linen closet at the motel drinking Franzia out of a box if she did. Anyway, I [heart] her all the more because she cannot hide her love for Twilight.

Jenny "The Bloggess" Cullen.

Anyway, when I was checking out at the grocery store the other day and gazing in the general direction of the New Jersey Lottery scratch-off ticket dispenser-box-thingy when I noticed something... And it set off my Bloggess-equivalent of Twidar, which I have no clue what to call but believe you me, it exists. Clearly.

See? See it?? Third from the bottom on the right?!? (Squint hard.)

OK stop squinting. THERE!!! RIGHT THERE!!!

And I said holy fucking crap, the Bloggess has her own NJ Lottery scratch-off ticket!! And then I realized that it was actually Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Dressed up like the Bloggess. So of course I HAD to have it! Because I'll be at BlogHer next week and she'll be at BlogHer next week and this will allow me to up my game and rise above the thousands of other people who will be merely stalking her. I'll be stalking her with purpose (plus I will probably be hyperventilating in the ladies room too and hoping to get a pull off of her wine bottle and call dibs on any Xanax that she drops).

You're not in Texas anymore. Apparently.

See?! OK just add braids lipstick and stuff...*

Kinda JUST like this. Sort of...

But with lipstick. And I know Jenny likes lipstick.

See it?! (oh and DO go read "The Bloggess Does Japan" - really)

Anyway, I HAD to have this scratcher. HAD TO. So I stop hopping up and down in excitement long enough to dig out two singles, I stuff them into the machine, and hit the button. And THIS pops out:

WTF? You don't look like The Bloggess AT ALL. You look like Jughead in drag.

Not to be thwarted but out of singles, I pop a fiver into the machine (which doesn't give change, btw). Hit the button again. And get THIS:

OhhhKaaay... I can see where this is going...

Fine; I get it: they have the whole Wizard of Oz crew... But certainly I'll get Dorothy next, right?

Ooooor not.

So I only have a dollar credit left but figure I'm kind of committed at this point. Either I walk away with a random smattering of scratchers that mean nothing, or I go all in. In goes the next five dollar bill... and out comes:

Not The Bloggess. Jesus mother fucking hampster fucker!

Fine, fine. But I still have credit left and the next one HAS to be The Bloggess. I mean Dorothy. I'm out of characters here, right??

REALLY?! The Wicked Witch of the West gets a ticket?! And are those supposed to be flying monkeys on the left??? Oh FINE. And inexplicably, JJ has called dibs on this ticket. I think she feels some sort of kindred spirit thing going on here...

And then FINALLY, I hit pay dirt. Although really, what was I going to get next if not Dorothy? Toto? Auntie Em? Fine, Toto would have been cool but I was running out of funds at this point.

WOO!!! Definitely a winner. I can feel it! If she wins, I call halfsies.

So twelve dollars later, I am the impossibly proud owner of one lottery ticket that sort of looks like The Bloggess. If she wins, it might help pay for that possible-black-mold problem she had at her new house (mold remediation is expensive. y'all.). Which is apparently in some beautiful but remote location and she has bigger problems than not-black-mold, although I understand she needs a safe haven from all the scorpions and coyotes especially since she might not have James Garfield to protect her.

Special P.S. to The Bloggess if she makes her way here: now we know why this mock-up didn't quite work: you are Judy Garland, not Marlene Dietrich. And if I had her photo-editing skills, I would prove it. But I don't, so use your imagination.

How can my neck even hold up this ginormous bobblehead???

Judy the Bloggess says Nobody looks good with eyebrows that thin...

*all pics of The Bloggess from Natch.

P.P.S. Our address is in the sidebar if you want to sent out the restraining order before BlogHer. If it's not here by Thursday, game on!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Oh! Good Morning Mr. Cullen. Going Down?

I feel like we've been pretty remiss with our FanFiction recs lately... you know, with all the excitement of Eclipse and that fucking piece of awesomeness called Osa Bella - that's been keeping us pretty busy! I hope Myg breaks out of her busy schedule soon so she can get back to the important things in life. Most importantly, entertaining us!

Like most of you, I have so many fics on my Must Read list that I'll probably forget who the fuck Edward Cullen even is by the time I get around to reading them. There are just so many fuckawesome stories out there and every once in awhile, someone needs a little direction in navigating the lemony goodness that is the underbelly of Twilight FanFiction.

So tonight I would like to direct the spotlight to a little story still in its infancy but with the potential to be huge... a little story by one of our Twitarded besties... a little story called "Going Down" by TexasKatherine.

Geezus fuck, even the banner that the lovely and talented Amcas made makes me want to make out with this story. And Edward Cullen. Of course. If you haven't started reading this little gem yet, let me give you a little background. TK initially wrote "Going Down" for the Twi-Fic Promotions "Don't Mess With the Help" contest. Well, turns out she fucking won the contest (wahoo!) and decided to continue on with these characters (thank gawd!).

Story Synopsis:
In "Going Down," Bella Swan is a rising start in her new company, but ascending the corporate ladder is not exactly easy when you are trapped in an elevator. Rated M for language, lemons and flagrant use of snark.

Yup, so Bella meets a very hawt Edward Cullen when they get stuck in an elevator together... over night... and well, some shweaty shit happens. Hmmmmm... sounds... intriguing... Bella's smart inner monologue is so fucking hilarious, I find myself snorking beverages out of my nose. Just a mere two chapters into the story, there's so much more to learn about these characters, and I, for one, can't fucking wait!

Here are just a couple of my favorite examples of Bella's sharp wit...
I'm getting extra pissed because my body clearly missed the memo about how we hate him now. I'd like to rip off his cock and throw it out the window, but I think my vagina would swan dive after it.
Or how about...
Alice, my best friend, would do cartwheels in my honor. Alice, the HR Director, would murder me and use my femur as a pimp cane.
If you follow @texaskatherine on Twitter, you know her for her snarky remarks which fully sparkle through this Bella Swan. I often feel as though I can actually hear TK's voice coming out of Bella's mouth, which makes it all the more hysterically funny!

Do yourself a favor... read "Going Down" if you haven't already. I promise that you'll never feel the same way about riding in an elevator. It'll leave you begging for more. But no begging here. Yet. Follow her on Twitter and harass the shit out of her. I need Chapter 3, like stat.

Oh, and tell her she's a whore. She likes that.

The Elusive Peen. Possibly.

For some reason, I feel like the Duchess of Douche for writing this post but, clearly, that's not going to stop me from doing it. I mean, we've talked about the man sword before but apparently I have morals; unfortunately, they don't have that much clout when it comes to stuff like this...

You know which one I'm going to listen to...

Ever since THAT picture hit the interwebs there has been quite a buzz in Twi-land. I mean, I swear to shit this picture is more buzzworthy than the grainy fuzzy shots of Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster or something.

We've caught a glimpse of the Elusive Peen.

Sure, we've all seen cock before in all its purple headed glory (or not so much), but I'm pretty sure NONE of us has seen a cock that just happens to be attached to Robert Pattinson.

Except that it looks kinda... not attached.

But here's the thing -- is that bulge really the outline of his Beefy McManstick or is it something more innocent, like a banana or possibly a very large tube of chapstick? Maybe a billy club? I'm not sure.

If it's not a billy club, RPattz really needs to invest in one. Twenty bucks says the paparazzi won't be so cunty if he did...

Either way, whatever is lurking in RPattz's pants in that picture is... large and if it is what we all hope it is, I'd be frightened if I was KStew because that looks more like a poon pounder than a fucking fiddlestick, if you get my drift.

My first thought upon viewing this photo (besides, huh? I don't see anythin-- ooooooh, yes I do!!!) was "is he sportin' a chubbie, or is that One-Eyed Willie in his "lazy" state? " If it's the former then I can only assume that angry RPattz is "at-least-semi-hard RPattz". If it's the latter, well, then KStew, I feel for your vagina. And your uterus. Because if that's at it's shrinky-dinkiest... that's not a cock. It's a fucking machine. And it's coming to beat the shit out of your vagina.

And let's not even start on how unfair it is that not only is RPattz extremely good looking in the first place, but he's also packing some serious heat? What the fuck? He just totally screwed the bell curve of hotness for all other guys, that's for sure.

But is it really his man-sword? I have to say that (as slightly disturbed as I am even posting this) I don't think it is. I think it's just the way the fabric falls, if you will.

What do you think?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Edward Cullen Needs to Hump Bella Swan and Get it Over With Already

C'mon, let's be honest here: I'm sure almost all of you have had this thought at least a hundred few times when watching the Twilight movies. I know, I know--it would basically ruin the entire premise of the saga, but whatever. If I can suspend reality to read about sparkly vampires, then I see nothing wrong in wishing they would fuck around (literally) with the premise a little, at least hypothetically.

Oh man, Jenny Jerkface is gonna talk about doing the nasty again... this is gonna be good.

It's just that Bella is sooooo depressed in the films and--with the exception of New Moon, when Edward dumps her ass--it's really not all that necessary. Yes, there is ahhhhmay of vampires who want to kill you and drink your blood in Eclipse but... it's not the end of the world. After all, you're Bella fucking Swan and you have your own ahhhhhmay of vampires AND werewolves willing to die for you. Nut up, twat monkey.

And you have a sexy sparkly vampire who wants to love you forever and ever and ever.

It's just that he won't fuck you. Huh. Now that I think about it, I guess I'd be all depressed and moody, too.

Annnnnd neither is Bella...

I just don't get it. I mean, Edward has admitted to killing people and he seems to have no qualms about ripping bad vampires heads' off but he won't stick his icy King Dingalong in Bella's muffin. What's the big deal, Edward? It's not like Bella is asking you to stick it in her pooper, paint a map of Hawaii on her back and then do a jig naked in front of Charlie! Lighten up!

For real, Edward -- stop being such a pussy about this whole "soul" thing and just do it, already!! I mean, Bella totally wants you to put out and you're acting like such a fucking baby about it.

I really wish I was tickling Bella's love bean instead of the ivories but I can't. I JUST CAN'T!!! I'm so emo I want to punch myself.

What, are you afraid you're going to end up being some kind of two-pump-chump? You're a vampire who has been waiting to get laid for over one hundred years!! Of course you're gonna jump the gun the first few times around. Frankly, it's probably better that way because I'm assuming you don't jerk your own chain and a hundred and nine years is a long time to store the baby batter up so if you shoot a load inside of Bella that would probably do some fucked up damage.

Oh wait, it does. Never mind.

Yup. 'Nuff said.

Yeah, yeah, I know Edward eventually butters Bella's muffin in Breaking Dawn but I bet they could have cut out at least two hours of Bella and Edward brooding and/or acting depressed in some manner if they just let them fuck, already.

What. The. Fuck. No, really, what the fuck?

Then again, if Edward didn't treat Bella's, ahem, virtue, like it was a fucking Da Vinci hanging on the wall in the Louvre, then we probably wouldn't have ended up with all the wonderful, lusty, lemony fanfiction that we have.

Mmmm, fan fiction. Maybe the brooding was worth it after all.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

While We're Ranting About Eclipse...

Get ready, get set, RANT! Just a little one. Promise.

As I said back when we first stood from the collective rooftops of Twitardia and sang the praises of Eclipse, there would come a time when we would have to chat about some of the things that maybe were...less than awesome. Last night, Latchkey Wife (who celebrated her birthday today - the BIG 4-0! which of course we didn't mention until now because we only really freak out about about the birthday of one man and one vampire, aaand we kinda thought she might kill us if we made a big stink), finally got her beef with not-towering-over-Edward "Weecob" off of her chest. Girl's gotta right to vent; while I DO appreciate some or Catherine Hardwick's casting choices, it would have been kind of hard for her to cast someone who could capture the "holy crap you've grown a foot in the last year" nature of Jacob. Try writing "mandatory growth spurt" into a contract and see how far you get. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't see it flying.

So now seems as good a time as any to jump on the flogging bandwagon and get a few of the things that I didn't like about Eclispe out of my system. Venting is good (it's not healthy to hold it all in or you'll end up kicking puppies or something), so here goes!

While I was ok with Bella being less whiny in the movie, I thought it was a teeny bit of a cop-out to make Edward SO much less controlling than he is in the books. Actually LETTING Bella hop on to the back of Jake's motorcycle and not doing a thing about it? I don't think so. I get get wanting to tone that down, but it wasn't really true to the character (this is probably my last "serious-ish" conversation about the characters for quite a while, so humor me, m'kay? thx.).

You know what's coming...

Bryce Dallas Howard as Victoria. No. I tried, but just no. I am glad that she bought the farm in Eclipse because while I think she is a mighty fine actress and all, she just could not hold a flame to Rachelle Lefevre in this particular role. I guess we will never know exactly why Rachelle was replaced/what the real story is, but I missed her in Eclipse. {{{sniffle}}} Bryce looked...odd with her Shirley-Temple-on-steroids ringlets and didn't capture the character's feral, fierce nature the way that Rachelle did. Plus she sounded petulant and whiny. Sure, the voice was supposed to be "little girly" to some extent, but not quite that much, imho.

I miss you, Rachelle! Just sayin'...

I'd totally let you guys buy us a round in Forks... Please?

Speaking of vampires who piss me off: Bree. Or in particular, her complete lack of bloodlust in her final moments. I have NO idea how after the description in the book and ENTIRE BOOK she has all to herself how this didn't get covered, but it didn't. What happened to her practically writhing around? Digging her hands into the ground?? Being in agony because she. had. to. eat. Bella. NOW??? None of that?! WTF??? I don't get it. It seems like one of those moments where nobody was paying attention to the book at all. Obviously we've all learned to not compare the books to the movies TOO much, but I was ticked by that bit for some reason.

We've done a pretty decent job of voicing our opinions on the various wig and makeup fails, but seriously, who did Elizabeth Reaser piss off? Seriously, she looked like a man in drag. And not a very attractive one. She's a beautiful woman and she looks like she got beat to bits with an ugly stick in most of the scenes she is in.

Where was THIS gorgeous couple in Eclipse??? (twitpic from Peter Facinelli!)

And speaking of ugly vampires, how come none of the vampire army was particularly hot??? Aren't all Twilight vampires supposed to be impossibly attractive? Again, if they had hired just ONE person from the fandom - hired? hell - they could have gotten a bevvy of volunteers! We would have taken a collection and paid them ourselves! Just so long as those little details were not overlooked, because there's really no reason.

Messing with lines from the book for no good reason. Like when Bella says Edward is "old school." Which isn't really exactly the same thing as saying he's "old fashioned" when explaining why he hasn't boinked Bella yet.

I DID love Jasper's back-story, but I thought Rosalie's was a little rushed. I guess you can't include everything into a two-hour movie, but it just seemed like they could have built that part up a bit.

And the fail in the tent scene? The tent scene!! There should NOT have been any distracting fails in the tent scene, for fuck's sake! But there was: Bella's burgundy-red lips. Because the last time I checked, when you are experiencing borderline hypothermia, your lips are probably going to be blue, not red. It was one of the things that Edward found so alarming and one of the reasons that he allowed Jacob to grind against Bella right under his nose all night long.

You know you have one...

So what were your pet peeves about Eclipse? C'mon - fess up - I know there's something sticking in your craw, no matter what sexual favors we all promised to David Slade we all promised! (er, from JJ, that is...)

P.S. On a side-rant (if I can be so self-indulgent), how come when I do an image search for recent pictures - oh I don't know, say of the cast of Eclipse in character - I find NOTHING??? WTF is up with that???

Monday, July 26, 2010

Eclipse Fails? I Can't Hold Out Any Longer.

I saw Eclipse for the third time tonight. I feel like I'm waaaaaay behind the 8-ball compared to everyone else. The shitty part about movies coming out in the summertime is that there's just soooo much stuff going on, it's hard to find time to sneak away to the theater. Fuck, in the winter, what else is there to do?! So yesterday I blurted out to my husband that I was going to the movies with friends. And he asked to see what? And I said Eclipse. And he said but you already saw it twice. And I said what's your point? And the conversation ended.

Hey shorty! Come over here and stand on this box for a minute, 'mkay?

Jeezus fuck I love this movie but I can't hold my tongue any longer. I have to air my dirty laundry and if I don't do it now, I may spontaneously fucking combust. The number one, top of the heap, thing that bothers the shit out of me is vertically challenged Jacob. Now don't get me wrong, I love short people. I'm short. Jenny Jerkface is short. Shorties rock. But Jacob is NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SHORT!!! (And yes, I'm yelling now.)

Hey, shouldn't you maybe slouch a bit to make me look taller? Dude, come on. Help a brother out.

It's been a long time since I've read Eclipse so it's not totally fresh in my mind (maybe STY can help me out since she just read it) but isn't Jake supposed to be something like 6'8" in this book? [Note from STY: I remember reading this at the time and tsking but I don't recall the exact measurement, lol - I was too busy freaking over Bella's whining!] Isn't he supposed to be a fucking giant? I just picture someone with the stature of Daniel Cudmore - almost menacing looking. And what do we get? Someone that barely even grazes 6 feet.

Perhaps cast in the wrong role? Now this is tall people! Pay attention!

How hard would it have been to put the little guy up on a milk crate when he's standing next to someone? There's really only so far down Bella can slouch so she's looking at his chest - where she should be looking! Or maybe they should have fashioned a platform (to decrease the risk of falling off the milk crate) so he could be a little more active - like say in the Angry Edward shoving match. THAT'S when it bothered me most... Edward is NOT supposed to be looking down at Jacob! Although in all my Team Edward glory, I sorta liked the fact that Edward almost towered over the pup. Totally makes him look wicked tough.

Oh hello little puppy dog... aren't you little and cute.

Honestly this has bothered me from the beginning. As much as I think Taylor is right for the job, I really think the production crew could have done a better job at least feigning Jacob's height. Maybe they needed to hire someone who would have been listed as "Mr. Lautner's Heightener" - I don't care what you do - lifts? moon boots? blocks of wood strapped to his sneakers? Just something to make him at least appear to be way taller than everyone else.

Wolves in moon boots make me piss myself laughing.

I often wonder if I'm the only one that feels this way. I rarely hear anyone ever complain about it and yet, it's probably the one aspect of these films that I have the most difficult time with. It even bothers me more than spider-monkey-flying-Edward, and fuck me, I have to look away when that mo-fo is on the screen. And it's not that I don't think Taylor does a good job, because he does. Even though his teeth blind me. Which is probably a good thing so then I won't have to actually see how fucking short he is...

Sunday, July 25, 2010

You Asked For It: The "Twitarded Goes Brazilian" Follow-Up

So I was going to write about something totally non-Twi related tonight - my recent misadventures in gardening (and I am using the word "gardening" loosely since all I seem capable of is killing things), but after reading some emails (sorry if I am so behind in replies btw) and going back and re-reading the original "Twitarded Goes Brazilian" post and the nearly 100 comments following it (!!!! go read - please! so awesome... I love you all!), I decided that maybe the summer fruits (and the torture I inadvertently inflicted on them) could wait until another time. Because a LOT of you wanted to know what happened after the initial rip-and-cringe girly-bits waxing session that I had back in late May. Oh and now would be a good time to note that if you know me in real life and feel as weird about reading about my vahjajay as I expect you to feel, you should stop reading now.

Know me IRL? Stop reading or I will send this kid to your house. With a nickel.

OK then... so where were we? Ah yes... When we last left my cooter, it had been unceremoniously defuzzed at the capable and extremely professional hands of Zuzanna. That was nearly two months ago (I know! I can't believe it either!) and I lived to tell the tale. Not only did I live, I lived well.

Waxing won't give you this bod, but your S/O won't notice. Trust.

As I mentioned in the comments of the original post, Mr. Snarky was pretty head-over-penis in love with the results. Not that he'd ever suggested I go bare before, but I guess from the guy point of view, it's a nice change of scenery. And I agree - it's like getting a brand-new hoo-hoo or something. Seriously, it was the strangest thing to me to see everything RIGHT there out in the open, without any any...shrubbery blocking the view. I have never been more aware of my girly bits in my entire life, which was kind of sexy. And after the initial oh-my effing-crap-on-a-cracker-that-fucking-hurt, it was mostly sunshine and rainbows below the waist. It made me think smutty thoughts. A lot. Good times were had by all.

A lot of you asked about it, and I was worried about regrowth, and the itch factor, but it was all good. Shaving itches like a motherfucker. Shaving regrowth makes me want to hump a fencepost naked to have a good scratch. Hell, I was never a big shaver, but even trimming and neatening things up down there made for a pointy fucking bramble-patch-of-hell in my panties. Waxing regrowth? Piece of cake. I know I will win a few converts for that alone. Jenny Jerkface and I had several long and in-depth conversations about the state of the cooter, and when I said "no itch, " she was sold. Apparently she wrestles around down there with a razor and a Lady Remington (aka "The Clit Mauler") and after coming thisclose to giving herself an accidental clitorectomy, she now just buzzes nearly everything but gives her more sensitive parts a wide girth. According to her, the result is that (and I quote) "it looks like an upside-down troll doll down there." And now you too can have that image in your head forever. You're welcome.

What? No "Upside-Down Troll Doll" example???

There. Now you can have that image stuck in your head, too.

It's true what the aesthetician said about the regrowth being finer, too. I DO recommend investing in the anti-ingrown hair stuff and the exfoliating glove that was recommend in the comments - totally worth it! But a few random bumps and red spots did not take the wind out of anyones sails here at Casa Snarky.

For the sake of full disclosure, there were a few downsides... It was kinda like how people who have babies forget what a harrowing experience it was or else the human race would die out, so I had to go back to the emails I sent to JJ and Latchkey Wife (and Myg and Texas Katherine and VitaminR70) to remind myself that it was not a total walk in the park... I think I said something to the effect that as soon as I stopped feeling like someone took a flamethrower, set it to "Rambo!!!", and let 'er rip on my crotch, it was gonna be quite a thing. And it was.

Also, I need to say that apparently the crotch area is nothing but a ginormous sweat gland and the fuzz apparently serves some sort of wicking function, because it was like a kiddie pool down there until things started to grow back a touch. I almost had a nervous breakdown at the Eclipse premiere because it was SO FUCKING HOT and we were stuck outside and let's just say that things got pretty unpleasant and someone may or may not have ended up going commando and tucking their underwear in their purse at some point. Needless to say, I might go totally bare again, but not in the middle of one of the hottest summers on record in New Jersey. That said, I did do a little lady-scaping maintenance recently, and it was much easier to use the Bliss wax kit that I usually rely on for keeping things groomed.

Wax on, wax off. Easy peasy.

This stuff is THE BEST, hands down - totally worth the money. I have wasted my time and effort on creams and other waxes (note: a product called "Nads" is as harrowing as it sounds) and nothing compares to this Bliss kit for at-home waxing. I'm not ready (or flexible enough) to do the full Brazilian on myself, but for anything else, this is the way to go.

What I REALLY want to know is how many of you have taken the leap since I did??? I can't mention names, but I happen to know that a few of you have went to there with superb results. So lay it on me in the comments! Hell, I was brave (or stupid) enough to share the follow up here, so you have to do the same - we made a deal! Right???