Friday, July 16, 2010

The Critics Sound Off On Eclipse...and It Sounds Bad.

I happened to be over at Rotten Tomatoes recently trying to determine if there was a movie - aside from Eclipse - worth dragging myself out of the house for... Mostly because Mr. Snarky has absolutely no desire to see Eclipse in the theater and we wanted to go see something together. We ended up waiting until today to see Inception - totally awesome, btw - but while I was perusing reviews, I couldn't resist taking a look at the Eclipse page...

Uh-oh - movie reviews - hold my hand, Edward!
[all pics - uber-HQ so clicky if you want to count pores and hair follicles - from Everglow]

The good news is that as you can probably guess, Eclipse is the highest rated of the three Twilight Saga films - Twilight was rated 50%, New Moon scored a lowly 27%, and Eclipse took the lead at 54%. Still not great, but slooowly climbing the ladder into semi-respectable territory. Honestly, I know that none of us really care that the movies tend to get panned on a regular basis. And some of the bad reviews were pretty fucking funny...I guess it's just easier to be funny when you're raking something over the coals than it is to be when you are doling out praise (not that we would know anything about that here at Twitarded...).

What? You think I'm gonna make fun of something here? Nope. Not me...
Not ol' Snarky... That's SO not my style... *whistles*

Anyway, I have gathered for your viewing pleasure some choice snippets - you can track the full reviews down here if you are so inclined!

There was a plethora of "Eclipse is not as bad as the first two but that's not saying much"-type reviews...

Though there are fewer dead-air gaps between words (gaps that in New Moon you could drive a truck through and still have time to file a nail), it still cries out for a transfusion.

Not as deathly dull as Twilight or as screamingly dull as New Moon, Eclipse is merely dull.


Twilight Saga: Eclipse is by far the best of the bestselling Stephenie Meyer novels-turned-movie. Keep in mind, West Nile Virus is similarly the "best" mosquito-borne illness and Portland, Oregon is the "best" city to be homeless.


Those who argue that it's 'better than the first two' are simply admitting how awful those movies were.


The best film in the series, though that's the equivalent of declaring Moe to be the sharpest Stooge.


May I suggest that the only way to enjoy the Twilight films is with the Rifftrax.
[I would not say "only" but I'll agree with "one of"...]

Did they mention anything about best wolf-pack tattoo??? No??? WTF?!

And my favorite bad review - I have to admit I laughed out loud several times reading this -

It's that lack of chemistry and conviction and anything that might resemble charisma which makes you truly notice the fact that this film is 130 brutal, unnecessary minutes long.Tighter, scarier; this is the best of the Twilight films. Which is a lot like saying that getting punched is better than being stabbed.Of course, the general vibe amongst the crowd as soon as we stepped out of the theatre was "OH MY SHITTING GOD THAT WAS BETTER THAN BEING LUBED UP IN BUTTER AND GOING HEAD FIRST DOWN A SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE INTO A POOL FILLED WITH PUPPIES", so perhaps we just weren't made for Twilight. Or perhaps we were. Perhaps we're just denying our innate desire to choose between two perfect men whilst living in a town populated entirely by hot people and fir trees.

Hold me and let's slide into the puppy pool...
Some just made me say "OUCH!" and cringe...

Kristin Stewart, an actress who shows amazing range and ability when not playing Bella, continues to do her best imitation of a cardboard cutout here.

The biggest problem remains the characters: neither Slade nor Stewart are capable of turning manipulative whinger Bella into anything more than a joyless black hole sucking the life from every scene.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is just one more walk on the mild sides for tweens [er, and non-tweens - sigh] who dream of being penetrated by cold flesh that will keep them young and cute forever.

Step aside, you creepy cougars: Finally, there's a Twilight suitable even for normal grown-ups.

Then there are the back-handed compliments [-ish - I honeslty can't tell if some of these are supposed to be slightly positive or slightly negative... let's hear it for ambiguity: the reviewer's easy way out!] -

Saved from erratic pacing and mawkishness by backhanded wit and a can-do supporting cast, will Eclipse win over the non-Twihard like New Moon could have? No, but it's a nice place holder until the last film comes along.

The choice of whether to see Eclipse isn't really a question of whether the movie is good or bad. It's a question of whether or not the movie speaks to your secret, unregulated, inherently ridiculous experience of identification and desire—not who you should be, but who you are. Does the warm blood of a teenager still flow beneath your icy grown-up flesh?

Viewers who value the little things, such as passable acting and dialogue not stolen from a sixth-grader’s diary, will once again walk away dazed, dumbfounded and partially deaf from all the surrounding squealing.

There's no middle ground with the Twilight saga: You either surrender to Stephenie Meyer's swoony tale of forbidden love, squeaky-clean teen style, or you just don't get it. [Er, or you surrender to fanfic...]

More pouting, mumbling and gazing into the distance, mainly. But hey. NOBODY does it better than these guys.

When it comes to the things this brand is famous for -- angsty canoodling, ethereal rocking out, truckloads of male beauty, Duran Duran-style make-up and culturally savvy jokes -- Eclipse actually goes one better than the last offering.

Slade has done an excellent job tapping into what Twilight fans want, regardless of how shamelessly their buttons are pushed.
Well at least nobody mentioned anything about my wardrobe-stealing ways...

Some critics actually had nice things to say!

Hold on tight, spider monkey. With its third installment, the Twilight series has reached dangerously close to competence.

And I think this review summed it up very succinctly:

This franchise wasn't made for critics. Team Edward or Team Jacob? If you don't have an answer to that question, then who really cares what you think anyway?

39 comments:

  1. I made a decision during Twilight that I would not read the critics reviews of these movies....until tonite since I couldn't go without reading Twitarded. It is good to be prepared before reading them. I like the movies and that is all I really care about, so I am good :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. But if you check out reviews for other "bad" movies like The Last Airbender that has 8% rating, then you might actually feel glad for Twilight not hitting rock bottom... so... yay?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I majored in communication in college, and took tons of courses in media analysis, studied movies, scriptwriting, all that. I can tell you from an analytical perspective that yes, these movies lack depth. They lack full character development. And yes Virginia, Kristin Stewart does suck as Bella (sorry KStew lovers, I hate her). But the last quote nails it for us. We are cougars, we are Twitards.
    We just plain don't give a shit what other people think of Twilight. We don't apologize for our love of Edward and what he represents (or Jacob, for my wolf-loving sisters) to others. Yes, by nature he's a stalker -- he's a vampire dammit! Yes, that's unhealthy behavior for a teenage relationship, but we don't care. We're done explaining this to the non-believers, to the reviewers. We can poke fun at this, we can laugh at ourselves, and at the end of the day we can curl up with our FF and our husbands/boyfriends/significant others/plastic vibrating substitutes and enjoy ourselves a lot more than we did before we fell in love with Twi-dom.

    And that's all I'm sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree with the last review - if you're not on a 'team', who cares what you think?

    Dammit, I wrote a really deep, insightful comment. Then blogger ate it. Can't be arsed rewriting so instead I'll say I fucking love this movie and I don't really give a shit if some reviewers don't!

    ReplyDelete
  5. *Looks Left * Looks Right * Points to Self* Is that Creepy Cougar remark about ME?! LMAO!!

    And where can I find the lubed slide into a pool filled with puppies?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I never pay attention to movie reviews, because I rarely agree with them. I'm the first to admit that I really like what so many others call "crappy" movies, but I just don't care and that goes double for the Twilight Saga... although I loved reading the snippets you posted.
    You don't go for the acting you go for the love of all things fun and fantastical. You go to lose yourself in the ideal, unrealistic relationship that doesn't exist in rl. A 2 hour break from reality.

    @vermonstermom... you go girl!

    ReplyDelete
  7. My favorite lol review "More pouting, mumbling and gazing into the distance, mainly. But hey. NOBODY does it better than these guys."

    And damn right if you can't choose a team then we dont give a crap what you think of the movie. One thing I would want to say to the reviewers "oh yeah... like the shit you watch would entertain us all, I dont flippin think so"

    ReplyDelete
  8. 'Does the warm blood of a teenager still flow beneath your icy grown-up flesh?' – hell yeah!!! The twilight saga movies/books have given me a new zest for life, so I really couldn’t give a shit as to what the movie reviewers think!

    @lablab73...totally agree with everything you said. And I too love movies that are deemed crappy.

    'creepy cougars'...that reviewer needs a good bitchslap!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm sorry...but I laughed through all these reviews. I think this franchise had basically brought out the best comedic writers (blogs and reviewers) that this world has ever seen..and for that I am grateful.

    The best of the three stooges??? LMAO!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I dunno if anyone read my review at www.twilightsagapalooza.blogspot.com Eclipse was definitely better than New Moon. I'm still kinda bored of it all though.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You know what? The more I think about it, the more I get fucked off with people who either can't decide what team they're on, or they think they're on both.

    I'm sorry, there's no such thing as Twi-fence-sitting. It's the Precious, or Teenwolf. Take your pick. (and if you pick incorrectly, well, it's your life...)

    ReplyDelete
  12. You know what I decided aloooong time ago? That it doesn't matter to me what those fuckers think. Their paid to watch movies and give their opinions. Doesn't take a brain surgeon to say what you think. Everyone has an opinion, but for whatever reason, these idiots haven't figured out yet that no one gives a monkey shit. *dusting hands off* Nuff said.

    @I-heart-fifty- I completely agree. Anyone who has read the books and says their team switzerland are full of shit. You have an Edward personality, or a Jacob personality. That's what it all boils down to. Would you rather have a bratty, smelly shapeshifter, or a hawt-as-fuck, panty melting, smooth Aston Martin owning vampire sleep in your bed every night? Umm, Team Edward, please. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Um, I agree, with most here...I stayed clear of reviews for Eclipse because I figured they would not be good...and I don't give a flying fuck in the end. I love the books (poor writing and all), I love the movies...I even kind of love to make fun of them. I try to explain to non-believers that what makes them so bad is what makes them so good. If people can't get that well they can piss off. I was deeply disappointed after the first movie because I had such high hopes but I learned to accept it for what it is...and then I began to love. NM was better and Eclipse was even better than that. I am a lover and that is all. Two chubby thumbs way up.

    ReplyDelete
  14. the last review quote and vermonstermom sum it all up for me!!! couldn't have said it any better. this series is the most fun thing of its kind to come along in a long freaking time. i can't even liken anything to it really. we twihearted twitarded people owe no explanations to anyone.

    ReplyDelete
  15. @Kerri: Agree with EVERYTHING you just said! I definitely have a team here!!

    @kassiecullen: Best movie review! "More pouting, mumbling and gazing into the distance..." LOL!! (I was secretly hoping I wouldn't need subtitles at the theater)

    BUT..it's so different if you can laugh with the critics. I mean were all critics right? But, they take themselves WAY to seriously. Like we honestly give two of JJ's shits what they think. :D

    ReplyDelete
  16. Twilight movies are AWESOME to laugh at. Join the conversation at "I Love Twilight for All the Wrong Reasons."

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-Love-Twilight-for-All-the-Wrong-Reasons/114040731954145?ref=ts#!/pages/I-Love-Twilight-for-All-the-Wrong-Reasons/114040731954145?ref=ts

    ReplyDelete
  17. @Mrs. P @Twibite - I can't agree with you more. I've read nasty reviews that were just plain ol' fucking genius and hysterical.

    On a side note -- I NEED a t-shirt that says this: "OH MY SHITTING GOD THAT WAS BETTER THAN BEING LUBED UP IN BUTTER AND GOING HEAD FIRST DOWN A SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE INTO A POOL FILLED WITH PUPPIES"

    Seriously. I need that.

    ReplyDelete
  18. First of all: YEAH, Portland! My hometown! Best place to be homeless, can I get a w00t? ;)

    I do agree with the one that says Kristen Stewart *can* act but is terrible as Bella. I blame direction and Catherine Hardwicke, specifically. CHard fucked up a few things from the word "go", IMO. But you know what? Who cares? These are the movies they made from the books we loved, and I love them for that reason alone.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Holy EF, you complimented Summit!?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh and BTW what is under Robward's shirt in that photo? Microphone, portal, or is his scarred manipple infected? Odd.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Guys, this is how I feel about these movies.

    "I searched for some reviews on the Internet."

    "And did that convince you?" His voice sounded barely interested. But his hands were clamped hard onto the steering wheel.

    "No. Nothing fit. Some of them said Bella is a terrible role model for girls, others bashed Edward for being a stalker, but then..." I stopped.

    "What?"

    "I decided it didn't matter," I whispered.

    "It didn't *matter?*?" His tone made me look up -- I had finally broken through his carefully composed mask. His face was incredulous, with just a hint of the anger I'd feared.

    "No," I said softly. "It doesn't matter to me how bad they are."

    "A hard, mocking edge entered his voice. "You don't care if they lack any semblance of a plot? If they make undisputedly gorgeous people look fuckawful?"

    "No."

    SO THERE, HATERS.

    And JJ, I think I'm going to need to make a shirt like that for FOOOORRRRKKKSSSS!

    ReplyDelete
  22. @VitaminR - I have ALWAYS wanted to know the same thing!!!!! I'm liking your infected manipple theory!

    ReplyDelete
  23. "dialogue stolen from a 6th graders diary.." LMFAO. I've been laughing about that line all day, because unfortunately or fortunately, I remember keeping a diary in 6th grade and if I had to re-read, let alone shareit, I might take a fork to my eyes. Thanks for searching out and sharing the reviews.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I think that we can all agree that these "so-called critics" just don't get what we all see. We believe in eternal love, happy endings and getting lost in it all...while these people want reality...oh yeah, we can all name movies that the critics supposedly loved and let the rest of us like "what?????"...the critics don't faze me, we can't let them get to us...screw them! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  25. Loved this...but really, when it comes to reviews, I could care less. If I really want to see a film (mostly because it has smoking hot pieces of man strolling around), then I'm gonna find a way to see it.


    PS the butter lube and pool of puppies made my day.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Seriously, who cares about these people? Does anyone really read what they write and go/no go to a film? Also, you have some serious envy out there, especially when Summit made Twilight for 40M and Avatar spent 400M, and the Twilight series just keeps pulling in the cash, and they hate that. They hate the new stars, the kickass cast, music and box office. But in the meantime, we get to do this. We get 5 movies to enjoy in every possible way (wine and DVD with Twitarded being a personal fave), so I for one will sit back and laugh at the all the haters. Look at these pics!
    Team shmeam.

    ReplyDelete
  27. [insert @vermonstermom's comment here] Second. Agree. Like.

    FWIW, I think RP and KS improved a LOT on this one. I know the movies are terrible in general... but they grow and grow on me + they're made from the <3 books <3 = I love them and just plain don't care what the critics think. Other people's judgment hasn't stopped me from being Twitarded yet, why now?

    ReplyDelete
  28. "The choice of whether to see Eclipse isn't really a question of whether the movie is good or bad. It's a question of whether or not the movie speaks to your secret, unregulated, inherently ridiculous experience of identification and desire—not who you should be, but who you are. Does the warm blood of a teenager still flow beneath your icy grown-up flesh?"

    SO TRUE. My answer, apparently, is yes, Yes! YES!!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. FYI: I just started writing movie reviews for examiner.com and I, of course, did my own review of Eclipse. I wanted to gush a lot more, but I only have so many words to write a review. Anyone who wants to check it out, here is the link!
    http://www.examiner.com/x-54759-Glen-Ellyn-Movie-Reviews-Examiner~y2010m7d17-Twilight-Saga-Eclipse-not-just-for-Twihards

    ReplyDelete
  30. This franchise wasn't made for critics. Team Edward or Team Jacob? If you don't have an answer to that question, then who really cares what you think anyway?

    So true!

    ReplyDelete
  31. @Kerri- some of us like the smelly shapeshifter. at least he's not watching us fart in our sleep- like stalker boy. ok and i found a tshirt that might sum it up- Team Jacob because I like it doggy style.

    ReplyDelete
  32. removed because blogger is being douchey

    ReplyDelete
  33. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Re: Blogger eating comments, I solved that problem by signing in on Google first, then writing. Of course, some of you may wish my comments would vanish!

    The reviewer in my local paper wrote, "An awful movie. But then, the audience isn't really there for a movie...the movie is more of a therapeutic experience than aesthetic. It's true audience gets an awful lot out of two houra in a megaplex."

    We sure as hell do - and then some!
    Therapeutic, hmmm? That's what I should tell the Hub when he asks what I'm doing on line.

    @vermonstermom4edward and @ellie and everyone else...thanks for saying it so well.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I have to admit... I kind of agree about the rifftrax comment. I went to the triple feature with the rifftrax for the first two movies... I LMAO!!! I actually enjoyed watching the first two movies again! On the other hand, I realized after the second movie that the women around me weren't too happy about me snorting and gawfawing all the way through the movies. Oh well! I'm actually looking forward to watching them again with the rifftrax to see if it is just as good the second time!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Re: Blogger eating comments, I solved that problem by signing in on Google first, then writing. Of course, some of you may wish my comments would vanish!

    The reviewer in my local paper wrote, "An awful movie. But then, the audience isn't really there for a movie...the movie is more of a therapeutic experience than aesthetic. It's true audience gets an awful lot out of two houra in a megaplex."

    We sure as hell do - and then some!
    Therapeutic, hmmm? That's what I should tell the Hub when he asks what I'm doing on line.

    @vermonstermom4edward and @ellie and everyone else...thanks for saying it so well.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I think that we can all agree that these "so-called critics" just don't get what we all see. We believe in eternal love, happy endings and getting lost in it all...while these people want reality...oh yeah, we can all name movies that the critics supposedly loved and let the rest of us like "what?????"...the critics don't faze me, we can't let them get to us...screw them! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  38. Holy EF, you complimented Summit!?

    ReplyDelete
  39. "The choice of whether to see Eclipse isn't really a question of whether the movie is good or bad. It's a question of whether or not the movie speaks to your secret, unregulated, inherently ridiculous experience of identification and desire—not who you should be, but who you are. Does the warm blood of a teenager still flow beneath your icy grown-up flesh?"

    SO TRUE. My answer, apparently, is yes, Yes! YES!!!

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!