Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Eclipse Experience Pt. II: Good Friends, Long Lines and Swamp Ass [Spoiler-Free!]

Even though I am d-y-i-n-g to discuss the movie with y'all, we're going to hold off for a few more days. Consider this post spoiler free.

The movie was fuck-awesome and even though I was beyond stoked to finally get to see it, I was even more excited to finally meet Latchkey Wife. I even installed a new bolt lock on the bedroom door so she couldn't murder me while I slept. Hey, I like to be proactive, ya know? Plus, I didn't want her trying to wake me up early and if she had decided to come into my room at some ungodly hour I probably would have brained her to death with the gigantic Maglite I keep by my bedside.

All last weekend I slaved away cleaning my house so Latchkey Wife wouldn't have any idea what fucking slobs ML and I are. I mean, the place was so clean when I left for work Monday morning that I swear I almost expected Donna Reed to come out of the kitchen in her pearls. My kitchen was sparklier than Edward fucking Cullen, dudes.


Yeah. It didn't stay that way. While I was at work, Snarkier Than You and Latchkey Wife stopped leg-hitching and squealing long enough to swing by my house to drop off some celebratory BBQ-ing stuff and discovered that ML's band had taken over and apparently vomited their instruments all over every inch of my house.

"Oh, hey, STY and LKW let me just open the front door and 'WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING HAMSTER FUCKER?!"

STY even called to warn me so I wouldn't be too murderous -- it was THAT bad.

Seriously, this shit was e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. Deep breaths, deep breaths...

Luckily LKW was a good sport about having to step carefully around guitars, amps and keyboards, which was nothing compared to the multitudes of sweaty dudes that were lurking and she didn't totally look like she wanted to run for the hills, though I suspect it definitely crossed her mind.

Anyhoo, in the end all was good because we had far more important things to worry about than tripping over drum sets and possibly paralyzing ourselves.

We had a movie to plan for.

The ride into the city was pretty uneventful and STY, Myg, LKW and I met up with Lorabell, TJ Barber and a few others to suck down a bunch of adult beverages before we headed off to the theater to line up.


The line stretched around the block and even though most people had some kind of Twilight themed gear on, I still heard a bunch of passer bys wondering what the fuck we were waiting for. Um, seriously? You see a bunch of tweens, cougahs and even the curious male all decked out in "Runs with Wolves" or, I don't know, "TEAM FUCKING EDWARD" t-shirts and you're clueless? Are you from another planet? Did the "Twilight Mom" t-shirts really stump you that much that you had to ask some chick with red contacts and a "New Moon" tank top what the fuck we were waiting for?

Morons.

It didn't help that it was four gazillion degrees out and, despite the fact that I was wearing a light weight sundress, I still had a serious case of swamp ass and both Myg and LKW were a little worried their deodorant wasn't tough enough to do the job.

I Googled "swamp ass." Don't ever do this. Seriously. Consider this me taking one for the team...

We were all determined not to let the heat and questionable body odor ruin the experience for us, however, and we still had a good time shuffling around in line. We even met some of our readers and other folks who had heard of us and no one punched us in the face or called LKW a whore so it was all good.

I have to admit that it was a little touch and go when we finally got inside the theater, mainly because it was packed and, quite possibly, over booked. For a minute I thought I was going to have to start pummeling other twi-fans with my camera for a seat but everyone settled down quickly enough and the folks in charge started the raffles and prizes.

I didn't win shit. Fuckers.

We received the usual threats of dismemberment or life in prison if we didn't turn off our cell phones, cameras and video recorders and I complied, since I'm fond of my limbs and didn't want to end up being anyone's bitch at the local penitentiary.

The crowd was pretty awesome and there were definitely moments of tittering and giggling (mostly from our row, oddly enough) and quite a few sighs and whimpers floated around every time Edward (and to a lesser extent, Jacob) was on screen. Which was often.

We had an awesome crowd and were seriously lucky...

Oh, and during a pivotal romantic scene between Edward and Bella, LKW said, somewhat loudly, "I want your cawk". Because she's classy like that. [Note from LKW: Wha? I only speak the truth!]

Bad, LKW, yelling in a theater. I'm very disappointed in you. You must be punished...

All in all, it was a really amazing experience and we were all still pretty excited and chatty by the time we were leaving the parking garage by the train station to head home.

Except that we couldn't get out of the garage. The machine apparently had a disagreement with our parking ticket and the stupid gate thingy wouldn't open so Myg had to call the parking authority, which was like calling a bunch of baboons out to help us and there was lots of paperwork that needed to be filled out for some reason and I think Myg said something along the lines of "it'll be a cold day in hell before I do that" when the parking lady told her she had to mail her payment.

Our view for approximately twenty minutes until the Minions of the Parking Garage showed up to free us.

And then she snarled like a vampire, like that scene in Twilight where Edward rescues Bella from the Port Angeles dirtbags.

It was awesome.

38 comments:

  1. For the record, I think I was shaking my fist as I said it. You've got some good recall, JJ!

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  2. LMAO...swamp ass. I just had to read that to my s/o cause he frequently uses that term.

    Sounds like you all had so much fun, can't wait to hear more!

    xo J

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  3. JJ were you wearing the same sundress that you were wearing in Austin when it was -20 degrees?!!!

    We represented well in Houston and received a huge round of applause for taking cardboard Eddie into the theatre with us! We should have charged since everyone wanted a piccie with him. It's funny but we felt surrounded by Jacob peeps. I mean really, have they not read fuckin Breaking Dawn?!

    Today, I went back for a second viewing on IMAX. Biggest mistake ever - well apart from meeting @texaskatherine in real life. You see every single detail on their faces, I mean spots, pores, blackheads, make-up smooshed into nose crevices, whether they had a good shave etc. I'm scarred for life from puberty pimple exposure.

    X

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  4. haha @LKW I definately said something about getting Fu**** waaay too loudly at that exact same moment in a theatre filled with waaaay too many 8 year olds for that movie

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  5. LMAO!!! You ladies had quite the adventure! I'm glad the parking garage monkeys finally freed you!

    LOVE the Swamp Ass pic!!! And I'll NEVER Google it - promise.

    I'm going for the first time on Sunday morning at 10:30am. I know it's 4th of July, but we won't start bbq-ing until the afternoon. I have priorities! And Eclipse is a HUGE one.

    The next weekend I'll be meeting up with MusingBella for round 2 or 3 depending on how my willpower holds out over next week. :P

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  6. That is awesome!

    Think Eclipse will still be in theaters when we are in FOOOORKS. Group viewing w/ wine, anyone? :) :) :) PLEASE??

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  7. hahaha... I love that people had to ask why you all were standing in line some people are really stupid.

    Sounds like you all had a great time. And there is nothing wrong with yelling out your desires for Edwards peen in a crowded theater.

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  8. Glad you had a good time! Parking minions suck monkey balls!

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  9. People were asking us, too (in Houston). Seriously, do they live under rocks and only venture out on premiere nights or what?!

    I've watched it twice now since Tuesday night and DH is starting to look at me strange when I mention that I may go for round 3 by the weekend. He just doesn't get it.

    And, can I take this opportunity to frikkin just say

    FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRKKKSSSS!!!

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  10. Well I can assure you that none of y'all stank.

    Good times had. And I must mention that every other viewing I've seen of Eclipse there has been with a Jacob loving crowd. Me likes that!

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  11. I am glad to know what the parking story was about now. I would have done the same.

    Sorry about your house JJ. Boys are so annoying. They just don't get it.

    Glad you had fun!!

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  12. @CAZZA Thanks for letting us know the IMAX experience isn't worth it, now I won't bother driving the extra 45 minutes to the only IMAX in town. I am taking off work some afternoon next week to see Eclipse by myself (shhh, don't tell my boss!.

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  13. @CAZZA Thanks for letting us know the IMAX experience isn't worth it, now I won't bother driving the extra 45 minutes to the only IMAX in town. I am taking off work some afternoon next week to see Eclipse by myself (shhh, don't tell my boss!.

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  14. @LKW-- I felt the urges to declare my love The Sparkle Peen too!! Pretty sure we're talking about the same scene :)

    you guys are awesome! Love this site and I want to change my home page...

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  15. I can hardly wait until the DVD comes out so I can watch the leg hitch scene over and over and over. If Mr. Slade really loves us he'll put an extended leg hitch scene on the DVD. I have a feeling it will be the closest thing to Twi-porn we'll get. Wait, maybe someone can make a fan video of all of the good scenes put together. By the time BD comes out we might have ourselves a little mini-flic.

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  16. LMFAO! This post was so damn funny! You ladies are the best! Thanks for sharing with all of us. I won't get to see Eclipse until this weekend *sigh*. It's killing me - really. All I've been doing at work is sneaking some Twi fanfic reading. I've been pretty worthless trying to get through this week. Very pathetic to say the least. But I know you guys understand.

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  17. my friend and i caught up on a few episodes of true blood before we went to the theater. we are nurses and work the night shift. it was so busy that night they called both of us and asked us to come in. hell no- we are sitting in a theater waiting for a movie to start. we got there at 9:40pm. and they were letting people into the first 3 theaters. we got great seats. so glad we got there early. at 11pm the line for the theaters then hadnt opened yet reached back forever. here in syracuse- they sold out 10 theaters worth. i've seen it 3 times so far. being Team Jacob- this movie hurts.(as did the book) watching his heart get crushed by bitch bella is brutal every time.

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  18. I am sorry, but you just brighten my day with everything that pops out of your little typing fingers!
    Two of my favorites being :

    "I didn't win shit. Fuckers."

    And

    "...didn't want to end up being anyone's bitch at the local penitentiary."

    I mean, c'mon, who writes this shit?? Oh, yeah- you do!Fuckawsome.

    I love you guys! (quoting Sloth from Goonies :) )

    And Myg- I, too, am checking my computer multiple times daily in the hopes that you've become mentally unstable, can't remember the day, and have posted another bazillion chapters :)
    Your story is amazing.(sigh)

    Cheryl

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  19. Hi Ladies! It's been forever since I have posted a comment. But I am on here lurking everyday. I just wanted to add that I LURVED this movie too! I can't wait to read the reviews once most people have gotten a chance to see it.
    I thankfully, found a twifriend here in my new town and went to the midnight showing with her. She's not a Team Edward, but she's not full on Team Jacob, so I guess I'll still talk to her. I wish that I could be around some of my fellow Twitards who would fight with me over the chance to lick the screen whenever the precious is up there.

    BTW, LKW - we totally busted out laughing in the tent scene - the whole "thoughts" - "farts" thing really got us.

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  20. You know when you tell a kid not to touch a hot stove and then their little punk ass rund up and touches it and then acts completely suprised with the outcome? Yeah, that was me when you said NOT to google swamp ass...Oh and I would soooo love to hear Myg's snarl!

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  21. *runs not rund, but you get the idea

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  22. I have come out of lurkdom to share that there was not one part of this that didn't make me laugh in a completely inappropriate manner considering I'm here in my office. Surrounded by proffesionals. I'm probably going to get fired, but it was totally worth it to imagine the things you found googling "swamp ass" (thanks for the heads up, BTW) and LKW's "cawk" comment. She's right though. It's a universal truth that most people want Edward's cock. I'm glad you ladies had a great time seeing the movie. I know I did.

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  23. OMG dude, I totally whispered "I want your cock" so quietly I'm surprised you and STY even heard me!! But I do. Want his cock. And if it takes wearing that hideously ugly engagement ring to get it, that's what I'll do. I'm easy like that.

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  24. Good morning! Sounds like you had a blast on your Eclipse movie outing day! So did we. A surprising thing though, our theatre wasn't sold out. But we had 14 people so we still got in line early and were rewarded with primo seats all together. A plus this time around, not so much obnoxious squealing that's so loud you can't hear what the Precious and wolfboy are saying. So that was nice. I love, love, loved the movie and plan on seeing it again very soon with others who had to miss the initial outing. And I will take it in once by myself at some point. *Snort* That sounds dirty.

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  25. People in my theater actually laughed out loud LOUDLY when he pulled out that ring..... i mean, i know it's pretty old school style...but....no. just no.

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  26. I've already seen it twice and that's not close to enough! I'm almost as obsessed as these gals:

    http://teardowntheflag.blogspot.com/2010/07/robsten-power-glory-angst.html

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  27. Buttercream and I threw a party before the premiere that was fucking Epic! (complete with cupcakes adorned with huge handmade sparkley peens.) Along with our fuck-awesome group, hoards of complete twi-strangers showed up. To sum it up, we ate, got drunk, molested Eclipse FSE then waited 2 hours to moan and lust for Edward's cock. Good times.

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  28. LMAO at Mother Fucking Hamster Fucker!! I'm going to be giggling at that all day.

    And because I'm a rebel and all, I Googled Swamp Ass. TMI.

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  29. Loved the movie!!! Especially the bedroom scene!! The theater we went to also showed twilight and new moon before eclipse so we were there from 5pm until 2:15am. One good thing was we didn't have to wait in any lines and got to keep our same seats for eclipse. When we went out to get food the lobby was a mad house lines were every where for the different theaters...I was so glad that we came early and didn't have to wait! Plus it was great to see the other 2 movies right before eclipse. I've seen it twice now and still want to go again today to see it again...My husband says I need help but I don't think so. :) I'm just a little obsessed. I'm sure everyone here can relate. So now that I'm done counting down the days to eclipse I am counting down the days until the twilight cruise...only 36 days left. Is anyone else on here going?

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  30. My comment got eated by the bloggie nom-noms, but the gist is...

    I'm glad you had a fucking righteous time! I can't wait to hear what everyone thinks/thought of the flick.

    Sorry about ML fucking up your June Cleaver Home Make Over. Boys are like that. At least LKW doesn't give a shit!

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  31. I heard someone in the theater snort when Edward said "Keep your faaahts to yourself". (And no, it wasn't me)So I'm guessing there's another Twitard hanging out in Ballard.
    PS - Once again there were MAYBE 30people at the Wed. noon show. Made it easy to concentrate on the movie.
    @cazza - thanks for the IMAX tip!

    WV - eyses. Eclipse Edward was nice on the eyses.

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  32. Hey girls, I know you don't like Kristen (and I get you because I like her acting but not in the twilight saga). but what do you think of her in eclipse??? I was kind of surprise beacause I liked this time and I loved the Edward/Bella scenes (maybe just because of Rob but they were hot).

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  33. 'WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING HAMSTER FUCKER?!" LMAO!!!! This will be my new favorite saying... I might just get it tatooed on my arm.

    Your night sounded like a good adventure. You know its going to be a good story when the parking authority is involved.

    @Cazza & Adonica: I liked it just as much. You can totally see more of the flaws, but- and maybe because I have blinders on when Rob is concerned- I still thought the precious was just as beautiful... flaws and all.

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  34. LMAO @ "swampass". Of course I googled it and realized that at our house, hubby calls that "heiney woof".

    So glad you guys had fun. I'm going to see Eclipse in 2 hours and can't wait to see Edward!

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  35. hey i see the back of my head :-) it's the little things that make me happy.. who am i kidding? meeting the twitard trio & myg was the highlight of my evening (um, next to the movie of course) thank you for being such fuckawesome ladies.

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  36. 'WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING HAMSTER FUCKER?!" LMAO!!!! This will be my new favorite saying... I might just get it tatooed on my arm.

    Your night sounded like a good adventure. You know its going to be a good story when the parking authority is involved.

    @Cazza & Adonica: I liked it just as much. You can totally see more of the flaws, but- and maybe because I have blinders on when Rob is concerned- I still thought the precious was just as beautiful... flaws and all.

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  37. JJ were you wearing the same sundress that you were wearing in Austin when it was -20 degrees?!!!

    We represented well in Houston and received a huge round of applause for taking cardboard Eddie into the theatre with us! We should have charged since everyone wanted a piccie with him. It's funny but we felt surrounded by Jacob peeps. I mean really, have they not read fuckin Breaking Dawn?!

    Today, I went back for a second viewing on IMAX. Biggest mistake ever - well apart from meeting @texaskatherine in real life. You see every single detail on their faces, I mean spots, pores, blackheads, make-up smooshed into nose crevices, whether they had a good shave etc. I'm scarred for life from puberty pimple exposure.

    X

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  38. For the record, I think I was shaking my fist as I said it. You've got some good recall, JJ!

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