Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I Wanna Be Rob's Bodyguard

I just read somewhere online that Robert Pattinson needs 11 bodyguards to keep him safe from the throngs of crazed fans that swarm him wherever he goes. I'm assuming that number includes the main big dude we always see, what's his name? Dean? I mean, he seems like a nice enough guy and all, and he keeps Rob out of harm's way for the most part, but he just seems somehow wrong for the job. And by wrong I mean he can't give Rob what he reeeeeeally wants from someone that follows him around 24-7. And that, my friends, is a blowjob.

Aaaaaah! I really need better bodyguards. These guys suck! Er, maybe that's not the right word.

Really, have you ever met a guy who'd turn down a blowjob? Not me. I imagine they're like unicorns, you'd like to think they exist, but you know they're just mythical creatures! I think if Rob had a female, and let's say, "proactive" bodyguard, he'd be smiling a LOT more! Especially because he won't have to deal with KStew's giant chicklet teeth getting in the way (and possibly doing damage.)

Beat it spider monkey. I've got no use for your services anymore!

So I've decided that I'm officially applying to be RPattz's new bodyguard. I know, I know, the position isn't really open, but I think given my qualifications and, ahem, abilities, Rob may just want to consider my resume. And while I'm not the most menacing figure around, I'm pretty sure I could scare off some crazy bitches with the hefty artillery of weaponry at my disposal. I'm not opposed to totally booby trapping the preh-tay's perimeter with various traps and explosives to keep him safe from the grubby, grabby fan hands.

I will not, I repeat NOT, ever let this happen again.

I bet his current bodyguards don't even have the resources to get him completely out of the public's eye. Bunch of good-for-nothings, I say! Since I live in Maine, I could totally kidnap him from help him escape from the throngs of admirers by whisking him away to hang out at my house. It's very private and I'm pretty sure my hick neighbors don't even know what Twilight is, let alone recognize RPattz. It would be an unsolvable Where's Waldo for the paparazzi. It would also give me a chance to get him on his knees. In my garden. Weeding. Huh, my own personal lawn boy. I like it.

I've never felt more comfortable walking the streets knowing Latchkey Wife will leap out of nowhere and attack any crazed fans with her stealthy ninja moves!

The best part about this for him? Well... besides the open-door knob-job policy... He'd save a fuckload of money because I'd do it all pro boner bono. And believe me, I would protect him like a mama grizzly bear does her cubs. Let some bitch fucking try to get between me and the precious and she'll regret the day she was evicted from her mother's uterus.

That Latchkey Wife is one scary, protective bitch. And I love her. In a Stockholm Syndrome-y kind of way.

But have no fear my Twitarded sistahs... I'd totally get you an in with RPattz. Just flash your Twitarded membership card, slip me a crisp Ben Franklin, and I'll get you a private meeting... in the flesh (hey - we have to fill the coffers of the Forks bail fund somehow). I'll have that boy busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. So what do you think? Do I have a chance to protect Mr. Pattinson?

If you think about it, he'll kill two birds with one stone since he won't be needing KStew anymore either. It's a win win for both of us.

32 comments:

  1. Ok, but I will be applying to be the bodyguard that protects him from YOU! HA! Take that!

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  2. Sounds like you make a compelling case... he should really consider taking you up on your um offers. The best security is the one that is the most unassuming, especially if they have stealthy ninja moves.

    Hmmm.. Where do we send in applications??? :)

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  3. You my friend, have blow jobs on the brain ;) And I love ya for it!

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  4. I think you'd do a wonderful job, and I think your private-like house is the perfect place, no one would find him... wait, except you just posted it on the internet... plan B: I know of a wonderful little basement with a comfy chair and nice thick carpet... wouldn't want anyone's knees hurting. Then I'll take care of Rob and then you can guard the door just in case any crazed fans or papparazzi come to crash the party. You are so helpful.

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  5. So should I include a head shot with my application...or just a mouth shot?

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  6. BLAHAHAHAHAA!!! This post cracked me up! I think I actually snorted while laughing!! You have some solid points LKW... 11 bodyguards = 3-4 twitarded chicas keeping the precious round-the-clock happy and safe. (come on, we can take shifts.) He'll be the most "protected" dude on the planet!
    Best line..."Let some bitch fucking try to get between me and the precious and she'll regret the day she was evicted from her mother's uterus." (LMAO!)

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  7. Oh, LKW, that's where your wrong. Im just a hop skip and a jump away from you. Literally. So if you can keep the preh-tay safe indoors, pleasuring him in wonderful dirty ways, I can watch the outer perimeters for any suspicious assholes lingering nearby. I can even grab my brothers hunting gear and shoot any Papz if they catch wind. I got your back.

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  8. I'm with @ Twilight Junkie

    Having said that, I wouldn't knock back a chance to get him on his knees. That would be oh soooo good!

    PMSL @ Twi-Hearted
    'So should I include a head shot with my application...or just a mouth shot?'

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  9. you are simply the most qualified for the position.
    hilarious post!
    if rob HAS to hang around someone 24-7 why not get a few bjs out of it? seems logical to me:)

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  10. @LKW - Love the chicklet references from last two posts! By the end of Eclipse I wanted to punch KStew in the mouth to get rid of those monsters.

    And let me know if Rob is willing to do yard work - I have a lot of projects that need to get done!

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  11. You know for a fact Dean doesn't blow him, Kathy Bates?

    After this post, Rob just ordered up 11 more.

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  12. not the best post :(

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  13. OH, LKW - I love you. Okay, so here are some interesting facts and reasons to support your idea: more and more women are getting into the profession; you'd be the perfect undercover buffer - all those crazy bitches would think you were "one of them!" and then WHAM - you turn the tables; as a NEw Englandah, I think we...I mean, you, have a unique perspective to offer, and by default, excellent emergency getaway driving skills which might come in handy; and why the hell not try for a femme version of The Bodyguard? Right? Picture it: you're Kevin Costner but younger, sexy and with an accent. Rob's a manly and talented version of Whitney Houston. Magic. Minus the melodrama and bad fashion (unless it's Rob we're referring to).
    So, I have one question: where do I sign up? We can be the New England duo...if Maine can't hide him, I'm sure we can find a place where I am. ;)

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  14. Holy crap, lmao to the point of asthma attack again...

    I'd like to sign up to cover Rob's European (blow)jobs, please! My house is waaay secluded. I have no neighbours. At all. So unless there are some cows in the area with an unhealthy RPattz obsession he'd be (relatively ;D) safe at my place. Unless my mom was around. She'd totally try to cut his "bloody messy mop"...*shudder*

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  15. I really hope Rob Googles bodyguards someday....Teehee. Chiclet teeth! I am dying! Chiclet!

    @LKW I love you, you dirty bird you.

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  16. Hey dammit I have chiclet teeth but at least mine are all proportionate to each other and don't look out of place in my head LOL

    But shit yes, any excuse to extract the Stew is okay with me!

    What's a post without chiclet teeth, a uterus and a one legged man?

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  17. chicklet teeth, PMSL!!!

    I have always maintained that a Twitard should be in charge of his security. Teenaged girls would stand no chance against one of us! Never come between a Twitard and the precious, you will lose and it will be embarrassing!!!

    And, dammit, if it can't be me, then at least it could be someone who makes me laugh my ass off on an almost daily basis and lurves RPattz just as much. Many a bj and zero cost? He'd be a fool to turn down such a lucrative offer!

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  18. Well I volunteer to be his Texas connection then. You all know everything is bigger in Texas...including our blowjobs. ha ha. So being down here no one would think to look behind the multitude of twilight treasures I fill my home with. I could comfortably tie him up with leather straps and to keep him relaxed I guess I can force myself to fuck the shit out of his brains daily....ok twice daily if needed. We don't want to upset the precious. :D It's a tough job but yes, a twitard must do it.

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  19. Come awwwn, LKW - that is totally you in the 3rd picture with the necklock on him, the copycat RayBans and Amanda Seyfried wig! I wonder what your other hand was doing at the time, hmmmmm? Might account for his expression.

    Elle207

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  20. We can be the Twitarded Protection Team - each of us will be assigned to cover him in a different part of the country!

    @layna.lane - Don't feel too bad... I have big chicklet teeth too!! I think I just do a better job at covering them up than KStew!!

    @Rob's Bitch - He totally just doubled his bodyguard staff... I'm ok with that.

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  21. Fucking brilliant LKW. You totally have the right skill set for this gig. Ninja stealth, ability to set booby (eh eh, booby) traps and a deft hand and mouth with a cock. That's like bodyguarding for dummies.

    God, those chiclet teeth. Everytime Bella appeared on screen it was all I could look at, which really distracted me from the pretty. Thanks KStew, thanks for ruining yet another thing for me.

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  22. Omfg, the chiclet teeth. SO true! They really are distracting.

    And dammit, it looks like you've really got what it takes to keep Rob happy and those crazy bitches in line.

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  23. I think we should just start labeling Latchkey's posts "potential restraining orders" because, yeah. That.

    I would also lurv to be RPattz's bodyguard, for what it's worth. I'll protect him from rabid fan girls, get him six packs of Heineken, Hot Pockets, smokes and, well, attend to whatever else it is that he may need.

    I draw the line at fecal matter and money shots, however. A girl has to have some standards, after all.

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  24. I'll be the Canadian connection! Sign me up! Muhahaha!

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  25. Say it. Out Loud.

    I have big Chicklet teeth.

    Are you afraid?

    Only of Latchkey Wife.

    She won't hurt me...but you're on your own, Spidermonkey.

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  26. THanks, LKW. Now I'll get no more work done this morning what with the BJ images. And you know, his mamma raised him to be such a gentleman, he'd be sure to reciprocate. Sign me up . . .

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  27. JJ has standards? I am SHOCKED.

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  28. LKW - OMG, the chicklet teeth! Yeah, such a hazard for The Precious. You'd be great.. however, I'd be more then happy to join the team of bodyguards.. I once heard I could suck chrome off a tailpipe...

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  29. Growing up, my brother used to contantly torment me about my "chicklet teeth". I am officially cowering in the corner in the fetal position having PTSD flashbacks.
    But if you do get this job, (which I think would be a damn good idea)I've got the midwest covered for you. I dare any teen whore to get near him while I'm on duty. Grrrrr

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  30. Bwahahahaha! I had tears from laughing my ass off at this post, LKW! You have the ratio of regular bodyguards to Twitard bodyguards on LOCK. And I, too, gigglesnorted at the chicklet teeth comment. Hilarious!!

    Oh, and "open-door knob-job policy" made me literally pee a little. Mostly because at first, all I could see in my head was a door knob. Then all I could see was you wrapping your hot mouth around said door knob, showing The Pretay just how lucky he is to have you as a bodyguard. Just sayin'. Had to excuse myself from the laptop at that.

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  31. Bwahahahaha! I had tears from laughing my ass off at this post, LKW! You have the ratio of regular bodyguards to Twitard bodyguards on LOCK. And I, too, gigglesnorted at the chicklet teeth comment. Hilarious!!

    Oh, and "open-door knob-job policy" made me literally pee a little. Mostly because at first, all I could see in my head was a door knob. Then all I could see was you wrapping your hot mouth around said door knob, showing The Pretay just how lucky he is to have you as a bodyguard. Just sayin'. Had to excuse myself from the laptop at that.

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