Monday, July 19, 2010

Rereading Eclipse (In All Its Whiny Glory)

Eclipse: AKA "The Whining"
One more eyeroll out of you young lady and Jack's gonna getcha!

So after deciding not to re-read Eclipse right before the movie came out, I went ahead and reread it in the last few days just to refresh my memory. Let me preface this by saying that after Twilight, Eclipse is my fave book in the series. I love the increased intensity of the characters, I love the battles, and I love getting the back-story on Jasper and Rosalie (ok more Jasper than Rosalie but still). That said, omfg the WHINING!!! Won't she ever stop whining?! I know I have written about this before, but oh my GAWD please stop whining, Bella! "Oh an awesome ridiculously smokin' hot vampire wants to marry me and spend all of eternity with me - WHAAAA!!!" Every time she used the word "ugh" to describe her reaction to Edward's desire to get engaged or married (which was often), I wanted to reach into the pages and throttle the snot out of her.

He cradles her all night. He lavishes her with as many gifts as he can get away with (I'm not hung up on pricey gifts and some of my faves from Mr. Snarky were ones he made when he was living on starving-artist wages, but I wouldn't turn my nose up at a nice blingy several-carat heart bangle. Just sayin'). He listens to her dreams, for fucks sake, and nobody does that!

If I cover your mouth with my mouth will that make the whining stop?

I'll admit that I am amazingly relieved upon rereading that the book is not represented entirely accurately in the films. Sure, there is a part of me that would love nothing more than to see the entire saga acted out, word-for-word and in its entirety, but the idea of seeing all that keening and misery makes me a little angry. In fact I'm glad that I didn't re-read the novel prior to the movie premiere, because it would have been hard for me to keep from yelling something at the screen the second she makes an appearance/starts talking. The TwiMoms would have had me escorted from the theater!

In case you haven't done a re-read lately (and I know most of you haven't because there's just too much good fanfic out there calling our names), here are a few choices passages that had me doing a slow burn (and not the fan-fic-y kind that we all like to some extent):

When Edward first shows Bella the engagement ring (and he is burning up with his love for her - I would LOVE to see EPOV here!):

Edward: "Do you want to see it?"
Bella: "No!" I almost shouted...I gritted my teeth...
Edward: "See if it fits."
Bella: My left hand clenched into a fist.
Edward: "Now, I want to do this right. Please, please, keep in mind that you've already agreed to this, and don't ruin it for me."
Bella: "Oh, no," I gasped as he slid down onto one knee.


"Oh no"? REALLY?! The bestest most wonderful and selfless vampire in the, uh, the universe, let's just say - who can also give you immortality - is on bended knee beseeching you to be his wife and you say "oh no"??? WTF???

Oh noes! This is awful! Just awful! Woe is me and this fugly ring...

I said "WTF?!" a LOT when I reread this...

The tent scene: Edward spends all night watching Jacob spoon with his beloved, reading his sure-to-be diiiirty thoughts, but then Bella gets hissy with him and demands that he apologize for being a little cranky about it. Really?! Oh and then Bella gets mad when Edward lets on that they are engaged (because that's such a horrible, horrible thing) and proceeds to trot off to moon over Jake a bit. And kiss him. Niiice. But no worries, because Edward is always there to console her. Even when she's upset about Jacob getting his feelings hurt. You know what? Shit happens and people get hurt when you make decisions about relationship or who you want to be with and don't want to be with... As Jenny Jerkface would say, nut up, bitch. Own the decisions you make and get. the. fuck. over. it. If I were Edward, I would have left her ass on the mountain and made a nice wolfy rug out of Jacob's hide. Just sayin'.

OK fine: I would whine too if I had to wear this wig. You got me there.

I remember reading an interview with Kristen Stewart - it might have been in EW - where she said she liked Eclipse "because Bella really knows what she wants in Eclipse." Uh, Kristen, did you read Eclipse?? Because Bella keeps saying that her mind is made up, but there's a whooooole lotta waffling going on anyway, as I see it.

When Bella leaves Jake after he's hurt in the battle, and then spends the night sobbing uncontrollably in Edward's arms (and, as she notes, "ruining his shirt" with the tears shed from her hysterical weeping - it had better be one of the frumpy New Moon old-man shirts and not one of those hot tees he wore in Twilight or Eclipse - Grrrrr!!!), she hits such a high note of self-indulgent pity that I'd like to join forces with Mommy[not a]Jerkface and her Team "Kill Bella" stance and give her what for:

The morning brought with it, if not a brighter outlook, at least a measure of control, some acceptance. ["some"? just "some"?!] Instinctively, I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just going to be a part of me now."
Yeah, whatever, you got a boo-boo - blah-blah your entire side was crushed...
Now shut up and let me tell you more about the imaginary hole in my heart
.

It was all I could do to finish the last handful of pages after reading that passage for the umteenth time. There may be been some books flung across the room. But don't worry - Eclipse got its revenge on me when I pulled a long-lost and forgotten copy from the tippy-top of my closet and almost clocked myself in the head. "When Eclipse Attacks!" - yup, it happened right in my closet last weekend, in the presence of my Robert Pattinson calendar. You can ask July Rob. He's hot and also very observant.

When it's all said and done, I am just happy beyond words that uber-whiny Bella didn't make it to the big screen. There were some aspect of the book that I thought maybe should have been included but were changed, but that is NOT one of them! So thanks, Melissa Rosenberg, for not making us call the whambulance.

Get to Forks, stat! It's a whinerency!

40 comments:

  1. I was going to reread before the movie and ended up seeing it twice before I got it finished and grrr yes the damn whining! Chapter 20 is my favorite chapter of Eclipse but after this last read I was seriously annoyed with all her bitching about getting married. It's ridiculous- I would have screamed YESSSS from the highest mountain top the first time he asked. After awhile it's like Idk why Edward doesn't just dump your ass and runs off to Alaska for good or something!

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  2. @layna.lane - ikr??? fucking ingrate - lol! damn that irked me!!! i am so glad that the whine-fest mostly was absent from the movie. whew!

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  3. I love this post!
    Eclipse is one of my favorites of the saga too... but when I watched the movie for the first time I really wanted to kill Bella so so much! and then I wanted to kiss my own ass.... bc come on! how could I fucking forget HOW MUCH I wanted to slap Bella's whining face repeatedly when I was reading the whole book. Edward is too good for her.

    Edward should have thrown her over the mountains and watch how she cracked her head up... or feed her to Victoria

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  4. ya, Bella whining about not wanting to get married, and pestering him about changing her was like nails down a blackboard. "change me, change me, waah" like she had a load in her diaper. it just made edward look like more of a saint for putting up with her.

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  5. LOL!
    STY, this just reminds me of how much I skimmed the first time I read the series. My mind was constantly saying "yeah yeah sure sure" to any of the whining Bella did. That's probably why I loved it so much.
    Twilight - Bella = FTW

    (that's sayin' a lot because I have a total girlcrush on Kstew)

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  6. I wonder if SM was channeling her own teen age personality when she wrote Eclipse. Or maybe her kids' babysitters. I work with teens, and they have whining perfected. Jeesh. I'm positive none of us Twithards were like that when we were teens (I know I wasn't- LOL).

    Saw the movie today for the second time (yes I know I'm behind you all, pun intended). I'll whine about the scene I hated some other time.

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  7. Frankly, Eclipse was never my favorite novel, and my poor copy is so beat up from the amount of times I threw it. Against walls. Across the room. Down the hallway as hard as I could. At first, Mr. Cutie was worried, then he just got use to it. I still throw it from time to time, just at the mere thought of how frustrating the novel was. (I also read Edward's proposal a million times over... What can I say, I'm a sucker.)

    Having said that, I was very glad that I reread it before seeing the movie. Mostly because I enjoyed rereading it with other Twilighters, but also because it got me excited and reminded me of all the background (i.e. Jasper, Rose, and, yes, even those damn wolves).

    I'm in total agreement with you about Rosenberg! She's done a bang up job of making all the Twi-movies work, in my humble opinion. And I'm excited to see what becomes of Breaking Dawn. Now that's the movie I'm going to have the hardest time staying off the spoilers... but that's a whole other story!

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  8. DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO POST THIS BUT OVER AT ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY THEY ARE VOTING ON SEXIEST BEAST AND HOTROB/EDWARD IS LOSING TO KIEFER SUTHERLAND/LOST BOYS. UGH, UGH, UGH. WE NEED TO RIGHT THIS WRONG. IT'S 45% ROB TO 55% KIEFER. WTF IS GOING ON??????????

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  9. OK...how about this scene. At the end when Edward was totally going to do her in the meadow FINALLY and then she was like, "No...let's do this right" and Edward has to roll off her. I'm surprised he didn't dig an impromtu hole and bury her ass.

    Then...when she SHOULD have been annoyed because Alice went and picked out her wedding dress, she was like "OK. Cool."

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  10. @STY - lets face it, from the moment she starts yammering about prom in Twilight, Bella is an ungrateful, immature, whiney bitch who doesn't deserve Edward. Even if he is a controlling, obsessive stalker who is waaay too old for her.
    My sleek black cat, Edward, is running around my deck with a bird in his mouth, growling for fear I will take it away. Now first off, all you bird lovers, I highly doubt he caught it himself - I think he just found it. But I like to think it is whiney Eclipse Bella and Edward is showing her what for.

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  11. Bella's a bitch, specially in Eclipse.

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  12. Thank you for taking one for the team and summarizing- for those who have not been through the re-read. I was super jazzed to re-read it like I had for NM, however, I threw it down after a few chapters because of the whiny BS AND her apparent waffling (which I had forgotten about-huh!!!!). Is there really a choice ladies? Jake-who? I hope SM has some super secret, written in invisible ink, chapter in BD where Edward grows some live testicles and tells Bella to stick it. I do not condone violence against women but I think just one vampire to vampire slap might do. *sigh* Doubtful, I know.

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  13. Why do I now feel blessed that I've stuck to the movies and fan fic so far?

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  14. Cheers for the hilarious summary, loved it. She does, she whines oh so much for a young girl. "Oh I could live forever, oh I found the love of my life, oh no hes a complete sex god, oh some wolf bloke wants me too, oh my dad loves me my life is hell" Drives me nuts she does. But Robward makes up for her whining as hes just so damn ass licking hot.

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  15. I used to think that Eclipse was my fave book in the series. I guess in some ways it still is... save for the indecision and the whining.

    Bella, would you just make your decision and stick to it, for fucks sake? I also re-read just before the movie (finished that day infact) and I was really pleased with MRose (she's acceptable IMHO so she gets a cool name now)and the fact that she trimmed Bella's attitude somewhat.

    I'm halfway thru BD now (had a break after the movie-mania) and I am still pissy with Bella. I just want her to shut the fuck up and appreciate the adonis of a husband she has.

    Imagine a world where SM woke up one day, decided she hated Bella, and rewrote the whole thing, toning down the angst. Granted, we wouldn't have the multi-billion dollar teen sensation, but at least we might be able to enjoy Edward with a little more peace!

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  16. LOL, I concur!

    Eclipse is my favourite book of the series for several reasons (leg hitch, negotiations, engagement, tent) and normally I am all over bitching about what was left out of the movie, but this time I am JUST SO RELIEVED that David Slade left out the scene with Bella sobbing all night about Jacob and selfishly forcing Edward to watch. I hate that part. Oh, and when she talks to Jacob about how she loves him and saw their life, blah blah fucking blah - I just skip that part in the book.

    Nut up, bitch! LMAO!

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  17. I really liked Twilight, but the whole whiny Bella, clumsy Bella, thing drove me nuts.

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  18. I just finished rereading yesterday and I'm in total agreement with everything everyone has said... I totally hate the Jacob sobfest at the end. ugh. I just want to punch Bella in the fucking face for putting Edward through so much shit. I think that Melissa Rosenberg and David Slade did an AMAZING job with this movie :) I wish he could stay on for BD...

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  19. Eclipse is also my second fav of the saga and I'm so glad I didn't read it before the movie because I had actually forgotten what a whiney little bitch Bella is in this book.

    Oh woe is me... I have to choose between two men who are hot after me... what's a girl to do? Fuck you you stupid moronic skank with your giant chicklet teeth! How is it even a question of who you fucking choose? Sure, on the one hand the excessively hot vampire could squash your head like a melon, but I'd rather have a guy who's a little dangerous than one who might piss on your living room carpet if you forget to let him out. Seriously... there should be no waffling where Edward is concerned. Dumb ass.

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  20. Was it Robscar? JulyRob in your calendar? Cause it's Robscar in mine and he is effin fine, you're right.

    I never ever ever thought I would appreciate Mel's work, but now I do, so thanks! I'm in complete agreement. <3 to you all and wish I could go to Forks, *whiny sigh* sounds fun... :)

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  21. @Carly - "Oh I could live forever, oh I found the love of my life, oh no hes a complete sex god, oh some wolf bloke wants me too, oh my dad loves me my life is hell" lmfao! yup that about sums it up!

    @Penelope - Mmmm - yup - Robscar (loving that name btw) - he's up there with Rome Bob in my book. Delish. Totally worth spending all day saturday cleaning out my closet so that i could actually walk into it again and see that hot pic. : )

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  22. I'd just like to say that "Nut up" is my new favorite expression, and I fully intend to work it in to everyday conversation at every available opportunity.

    @LKW, lol, chicklet teeth! :)

    I actually saw the first Twilight movie BEFORE I read the first book, and upon seeing it for the first time, I was like, "Wow, why is Bella such a huge bitch to her human friends?" Seriously. I couldn't get past how mean and standoffish she was to all of them. Then I read the book and sort of "got it" - Jessica and Mike are supposed to be annoying, etc., but I couldn't figure out why any one of them was still talking to her after the first time she brushed them off disinterestedly.

    Little did I know that I was in for EPIC use of the word "Ugh" in reference to THE PERFECT VAMPIRE WANTING TO MARRY YOU AND ALL. Sigh. Oh, Bella. Nut up, bitch.

    :-D

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  23. OMG, LOVE this post. I used to think Eclipse was my favorite book, but then I decided to reread it last year and couldn't believe I ever liked it that much. I literally couldn't finish it, I was so irritated with Bella...and excuse me, but by extension, Stephenie Meyers. I kept picturing her, Mary-Sueing herself in there as Bella, imagining herself as the love object of two hot guys. "Oh, which one shall I choose? Edward, who is completely gorgeous (which I may have mentioned one or two times here and there) and utterly devoted to me, or Jacob, the manipulative little shit?? Oh, woe is me!! Decisions, decisions, whine, whine, yammer, yammer! I think I'll kiss Jacob!! Practically in front of Edward!! And he'll be JUST FINE with it!! Yeah, that's what I'll do!! Then I'll whine some more when I decide I HAVE to give up Jacob! OH, poor me!!"

    GOD, I hate her SO much in this book!

    And I just saw an interview with Kristen where she says that SM was onset during the filming of the big Jacob-Bella kiss. NO WONDER it went on so fucking long! And that she was upset at first that Film Edward actually got ANGRY with Jacob, because that's not how she wrote it. No, of course that's not how you wrote it, SMeyers. You had Edward being a ball-less little pussy who just accepted Bella's cheating on him! Thank God the film ignored that nonsense. (Well, not entirely. I still would have liked to see Edward pissed off at Bella for kissing Jacob while he's RIGHT THERE for cripes' sake.)

    I guess I don't understand why, if SM had such a hard-on for Jacob, that she just didn't go ahead and make him the hero of the damned thing. Because except for Twilight, she really does seem to favor him, IMO. Edward's practically neutered by the end of the series.

    Hmm. I believe I *might* have a few unresolved issues with SM, seems like. Perhaps?

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  24. Yup . . . Eclipse is actually my least fave of the books, and now I understand why. I think maybe SM was trying to channel some of the Wuthering Heights everyone-is-a-monster drama into her story, but it doesn't really take. As I always tell people, it's not well written but it's a good story. Thank god for superior fanfiction authors!

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  25. the whining bella does in eclipse is the main reason why eclipse is not one of my fav books in the series. my first thoughts after watching the eclipse movie....THANK GOD bella wasn't whining. this gives me hope about breaking dawn the movie, cuz all the whining she does before marrying edward annoys the hell outta me too.

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  26. firstly, whiny bella gets on my last fucking nerve too. bella is, and always has been, one of my least favorite characters in the saga.

    that said (and i'm probably going to make some enemies saying this) i think it was only right for her to have a hard time severing ties with jake. i'm not team jacob, but i can see why she would and should be in love with him too. you can love 10 people at once, and in different ways, as far as i'm concerned.
    if she had been flippant about it, as she was in the film, it would have made me more angry with her, honestly. yes, she should get over it and get on with her life with edward, but bella needed to know that she loved jake and needed to grieve the loss of that relationship. otherwise...she just seems like a heartless bitch.

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  27. @Jude - I still love me some Twilight (always!) but i swear the last time i started to reread it I had to pause, look at the cover, and make sure that it wasn't a Twilight parody novel like "Nightlight" that I was reading. Literally. Totally not even kidding. lol!

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  28. I recommend re-reading it over a few months, like I did. It significantlly reduces the annoyance factor. But your annoyance should did produce one funny post!

    @ kitty - don't stress! All is well. Rob is leading in the poll 73%-27%. Here is the link:

    http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/07/19/ew-entertainment-weekly-sexy-beasts/

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  29. It's like you snatched the thoughts out of my brain STY. I also started re-reading Eclipse in the last few days. I think I resisted re-reading the books for a long time cause I was afraid this might happen; that the story would lose its lustre. OMG, Bella fucking. pissed. me. off. Big time! That whiny bitch got on my last fucking nerve. I threw the book down in disgust several times. Why, oh why did Stephenie Meyer make Bella such an asshole? Is Bella's behaviour meant to be perceived as endearing self-deprecation? Um, NO. She's a negative pain in the ass. God, I hate her so much right now. I don't even care what happens to her in the Breaking Dawn movie. Fuck her.

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  30. Uno what? First time I read Eclipse (apart from the entire mountain scene) I was not annoyed with Bella.
    But, after seeing the movie, and seeing how much, even though it was TONED DOWN, whining really pissed me off. Now I've always been a Bella fan. I love Bella but seriously in Eclipse I now wanna bitch slap that girl so hard she'd wish a werewolf had done it.
    After seeing the movie I started remembering all the whining in the book (note: last time I fully read Eclipse was January 2009) like bits would just suddenly come back to me and I mean for fucks sake THE M OST PERFECT CREATURE IN THE FUCKING UNIVERSE WANTS TO MARRY YOU AND NOT ONLY ARE YOU MOONING OVER A DOG BUT YOU WANNA SAY NO COZ PPL WILL THINK UR KNOCKED UP??? Ppl will take 1 look at Edward and say "yeh well I woulda said yeh 2..."
    I honestly feel like giving you a standing ovation after this post even though up until I noticed the whining (Eclipse the film - which is awesome btw) I would have agreed with nothing.
    Thanks for this Oh and I totally LOL-ed at
    "In case you haven't done a re-read lately (and I know most of you haven't because there's just too much good fanfic out there calling our names),"
    coz that is me exactly.

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  31. I was watching Star Wars today with my son & thought to myself....
    "HOLY FUCK Luke is a whiner. He & Bella would totally get along".
    I also think Bella in MoTU is fucking irritating as hell!

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  32. Finally!

    Thankyou STY, for this wonderful post so we can all finally bitch and whine ourselves.

    I loath Bella in Eclipse. I swear, if I were Edward I would just fucking deliver the waffling bitch right into Jacobs steriod riddled arms and wash my hands of her. That girl is like an elderly lady stuck inside a seventeen year old body. Fucking Alice, who is the coolest girl friend a chick could ever ask for, and gets a 911 Turbo, ask's Bella if she'd like to go to Los Angeles, and the bitch whiiiiiines, sulking about being kidnapped. Stupid bitch, I hoped Victoria bit her head off! Then, to make matters worse, Jacob acts like a gormles ass the entire book, teasing and getting away with all kinds of shit when Edward gets his pussy ass handed to him for standing up for his rights as a boyfriend.

    Im not sure if you can tell, STY, but this shit has been building up inside me for a looong time. Stephenie successfully created the whiniest chick evah! I often wonder if Edward and Alice should have gotten together. That would be a sweet couple.

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  33. I guess I was the only one who thought that the attraction between Jake and Bella was SMs stab at *supernatural*. Jake had already sensed Renesme's presence inside Bella, sort of like the ova calling him. I thought that Bella's freakish meltdowns were because of Jake's influence on her body chemistry, kind of like causing her hormones to go into hyperdrive. I'm not explaining myself very well, grrr.

    I've watch too much Sci-Fi?!

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  34. Or Renesme could be something like a Kwisatz Haderach and engineered her own birth.

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  35. I just had to say that when I read the following passage, it was with dirty fanfic brain.

    Edward: "Do you want to see it?"
    Bella: "No!" I almost shouted...I gritted my teeth...
    Edward: "See if it fits."
    Bella: My left hand clenched into a fist.
    Edward: "Now, I want to do this right. Please, please, keep in mind that you've already agreed to this, and don't ruin it for me."
    Bella: "Oh, no," I gasped as he slid down onto one knee.

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  36. oh oh I want to be his body guard too! I may be small but I'm scrappy! I'll bite the ankles of those stupid whores trying to touch The Precious!

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  37. MR did a good job of toning down a lot of things that I hated in the books... the whining, the irrationality. I liked in NM how Bella suggested waiting until graduation, versus saying "change me now! now! now!" and Edward saying "Um, why don't you at least wrap some things up... like saying goodbye to your parents?" What else? I'm glad she left out the sobbing too.

    Ugh, indeed!

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  38. OMG....Love this...
    I have to say the whole movie and yes, agreed - one million times worse whining in the book, I was whispering "Fucking Whore" and "Whining Bitch" to my movie-mates. I think they hated me by the end of it. "Grit My Teeth"...oh brother, by the end of the book and movie, my irritation had me gritting down to my gums!!
    Thanks for the GREAT post!

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  39. Don't hate me. I totally understand why Bella is so whiney. It's because she is a TEENAGER. As the parent of a teenager I hear everything exagerated and whined about. That is when he actually speaks to me. LOL

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  40. As I've said a 1000 times before this is stephanie meyer and melissa rosenbergs fault. I am soooo glad though that M.R. changed some of that goofy ass dialogue that S.M. wrote. I really thought for the amount of time they could actually give to the eclipse running time she got a lot of it right. I hope her kahunas are big enough to tell S.M. to back the fuck off her (hopefully) rewriting the breaking dawn screenplay into better shit. Cut out jacobs pov (who really gives a fuck...seriously???) Elaborate like hell on the wedding and honeymoon (boy, we truly got fucked in the ass there) and stop making EDWARD into a pussy!

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