Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Twilight Porno: We Watch It So You Don't Have To

***Warning! Not for the faint-of-heart. We talking about porn. In detail. If you can potentially be offended by this, read something from the archives today!***

Wait you watched what now? Well I hope you like being disappointed...

When the news came out that someone had made a Twilight porno parody, Jenny Jerkface and I KNEW that we were gonna watch it. It wasn't even a question in our minds. Smut + Twilight = we're on it like hungry vampires on Butt-Crack Santa, baby! I have had this movie since it first became available (and yes I did call the smutty "bookstore" to inquire when "the Twilight porno" was coming out - several times, thank you very much) but we JUST made time to watch it last weekend.

Shortly after I acquired it last year, I asked a friend of mine - we'll call him "weXXX" - for a favor. Of sorts. As the only author-screenwriter-ivy-leaguer-&-professional-porn-reviewer that I know, I felt it imperative that he give his, er, "input" on this dick flick. Mostly because my experience with porn - visual porn, anyway - is fairly limited. Actually the one other time I purchased porn it was sort of a disaster (apparently "Legendary Porn Star!" means "Holy Crap That Chick's Old!"* - who knew? Mr. Snarky was surprised, but not in the way I wanted him to be).

But before I pass things over to weXXX's capable (if somewhat sullied) hands, let me just note that when I say "we watched it so you don't have to," we really took one for the team. This movie SUCKED. And I'm not just saying that because it's an easy play on words relative to a vampire porno.

I can sum it up thusly:

Bella: I know what you are.
Edward: Say it. Out loud.
Bella: A vampire.
Edward: Yup. Now let's go fuck for the next twenty minutes.
Bella: Awesome. And I don't have a problem with ass-to-mouth, so go nuts.


Ass-to-mouth? Really?! Ew. Just EW.

[next scene: Jasper & Alice]

Alice: Bella smells good.
Jasper: Yup. Let's go fuck for the next twenty minutes.

[JJ's note - I have a strong stomach for disgusting shit in general but I nearly hurled when Alice carried on a conversation with fucking love custard smeared all over her mouth and dripping down her chin.]

[next scene: bad vampires]

All: We're bad vampires. Let's have a three-way for the next twenty minutes.


I don't understand... So the bad vampires have nothing to do with the rest of the movie? Lame...

[next scene: Carlisle & Esme]

Esme: I'm old.*
Carlisle: Yup. Me, too. Let's go fuck for twenty minutes.

The End.


Golly - I'm sure glad I wasn't parodied in that lame-ass piece of shit crud!

*"old" by porn-star standards--i.e. "didn't look like cheap, slutty teenagers."

My mini-rant: "Edward" (who only wore the amber contacts for the cover-shoot of the DVD, apparently) had a HUGE (and fresh-looking) scar on his thigh. It was hideous. It looked like he'd just had his femur replaced. Almost all of the cast had at least one tattoo (have they never heard of makeup?) and everybody was too busy dripping sweat (and other bodily fluids) to sparkle. OK fine--it's a porno--nobody cares about anything that isn't on (or dangling from) the torso. I get it. The ten lines of dialogue were a disgrace and consisted mainly of nearly-unintelligible grunts along the lines of "fuck my vampire pussy," "you're so super-hung," and "I just want to suck fucking blood."

JJ and I had a morbid curiosity about this movie and wanted to watch it to see if the dialogue and plot-line hearkened back to the real Twilight AT ALL, but we were naively forgetting that 99% of porn has NO plot and almost NO talking that isn't garbled because someone has a dick in their mouth. When the credits rolled over the final money shot, we both sighed in relief. I've never been that bored by sex in my life! Even the guy that played Laurent could barely keep it up during his scene and kept skulking off to not-quite-off-camera to fluff things up. I'm thinking I'll stick to m-rated fanfic from now on, thanks...

weXXX, take it away... Please.



weXXX's Twitarded Movie Review: “This Isn’t Twilight, The XXX Parody
Devil’s Film Runtime: 120mins
Rating: 3 out of 5 Sparkle Peens

Thanks to Stoney @ Twisoup for the Sparkle-Peen-O-Meter!

In the sometimes cluttered world of “5 Hour Energy,” iPhone Apps, and “McGriddles,” another cultural tidal wave is often overlooked: the porn parody – or to user proper vernacular, “Pornody.” Historians will disagree on who dropped the first load in this now burgeoning cumfest. Was it the seminal Cherry Poppins? The hard-hitting Malcolm XXX? Womb Raider? Schlong Blade? Or perhaps the granddaddy of ‘em all…”Lawrence of a Labia.” Whether it’s the touching moments of Schindler’s Fist or the nonstop action of Black Cock Down that get you off, none of us should’ve been surprised when 2009 harbinged the latest fleshy masterwerk : “This Isn’t Twilight, The XXX Parody.”

As a fan of This Ain’t The Munsters XXX and a recent convert to the crackijuana that is twitardation, I was both flattered and intrigued to receive a reviewer’s copy. As I closed the shades to my writer’s garret and slid the DVD into the lubricated player, my mind was immediately awash with thoughts of Bella and Edward finally unchained to consummate their forbidden love. It was a bittersweet occasion, however, for my a-list beat off rag (an Egyptian cotton sheet from Bed, Bath and Beyond) was nowhere to be found –discarded nary three weeks ago by plumbers working in my building, unawares. Yet I pressed on…and a titillating menu appeared in glorious HD.


Though the producers of This Isn’t… failed in their use of creative “cunnilanguage” in naming this highly anticipated bloodletting, they were quickly redeemed by a noble attempt to stay true to the original text [let it be noted that weXXX did watch Twilight before he watched the porno]. In this charged iteration of the original opus, Bella (played Jenna Haze (Gobble The Goop 3, Pump My Ass Full of Cum 2) arrives at the storied Cullen house for her virgin (and vegan) dinner. Yet, the scent of a human has unintended consequences -- setting off vamp pheromones and inciting a genital jubilee we haven’t seen since Casabangca.


Dessert is served first, as Edward Cullen (steely lead man Chris Johnson) puts his inside of Bella, in every possible shape and form. After a complete pap and colonoscopy, the high school girl turned vixen comes, unmistakably, of age and is left begging for “ice cold vampire cum.” Yes, director Sammy Slater knows the difference between Chupacabra and Penanggalan and isn’t afraid to flaunt it. Vampires have cold genitals, sparkle in the sun (alas), but use their immortality in one way we might not have considered. As the front cover of the glossy packaging assails, “When You Can Fuck Forever, You Can Fuck Everybody.”


On the heels of the sugary beginning, the meat and potatoes of the feast fall flat as supporting vamps (Lyla Storm as Alice, Audrey Hollander as Victoria, and Phyllisha Anne as Esme) spread themselves thin to fill out the fantasy. But not in a way Bram Stoker would have wanted. Alice, for example, doesn’t like anal – ie… a salad without dressing. Victoria could drop twenty pounds – ie… if you’re paying for it, the soup need not be creamy. And the final course – featuring a mature Esme and veiney Carlisle – could only approximate a moldy cheese platter, and leaves one with the same feeling as eating Dunkin’ Donuts: pasty, fat, and depraved. Yet, when considering an adult film we must put intellect aside and hold the work to the light of one preeminent factor: spankability. Does the film do the job that it was hired to do?


“This Isn’t Twilight, The XXX Parody” is undoubtedly worth the cost of a two-minute preview in a hotel room when someone else is paying. Jenna Haze is one of Hollywood’s brightest and tightest starlets and her lithe figure and lack of acting skills pushes this parody from pathetic to palatable. Cocks are large and breasts are ample, as are the extra features programmed into the DVD. As a digestif, click on the outtakes, photos, and trailers for soon to be classics Octomom (a pregnant woman trying to capture the cum of everyone she bangs in small, glass test tubes), as well as John & Kate Fuck Eight.


To say this is “an erotic love story between a gorgeous, sexy mortal woman and a vampire,” (as the front cover alleges) might be more of a stretch than Esme’s stank pussy, but again, in a world of disappointment, this one is only mild. For those looking for Pornody (or who’ve been constrained in a South Vietnamese prison camp for 8+ years) this flick will do the trick. But for mortals, you might be better off closing your eyes, and pretending…
Thanks, weXXX! Someone should buy you a new sheet... Or something...

And there you go, folks! You can thank us for taking this smutty bullet for you in the comments. And if want this dvd so that you can decide for yourself if it's as awful as we say it is, send us an email to Twitarded@gmail.com and we'll pick one "lucky" winner at random. Just don't say we didn't warn you! And you WILL have to prove you are over 18 years of age (and if you are NOT over 18 years of age, SHOOO!!! It's past your bedtime).

34 comments:

  1. Thanks for taking this one for the team. You can NOT sign me up for the freebie, based on your comments. Too bad, could have been fun. Some of the good fan fic writers should volunteer to write the screenplay for the next attempt. So many of these talented folks certainly know how to get the juices flowing, in a good way. TBY789, I'm talking to you!

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  2. Oh. My. God. No. You. Didn't. Oh. Yes. You. Did.

    I just don't know what to say. First JJ volunteers to suck off DS, now you're watching true Twi-porn. And lame Twi porn at that. I vote for FanFic.

    There is good porn out there, if you want some links or recs let me know. ;) Life's too short to watch crappy porn.

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  3. I unfortunately bought the This Isn't New Moon porn parody. Yeah, it was soooo bad!!! I mean- I thought it was a Twilight parody so it had to be geared towards women Right?? Wrong!! So wrong on so many levels. I fast forwarded through most of it trying to find the good parts.. there were none. Oh well, back to fan fiction for my por jollys. ;)

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  4. @vermonstermom4edward - hey if you have suggestions, we're listeining!

    and i agree with @Twi-Me? that someone needs to make some fanfic into porn/movies - only how to get RPatts to agree to star??? lol...

    : )

    @clauds520 - thanks! we seriously started working on this last year and were going to watch it/write about it before new moon came out but we figured that it was bad timing - "hey we were just interviewed by the washington post and CNN! come read our porno review!!" - lol...

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  5. Video porn is typically dreadful, and targeted to the (mostly) male audience. Books are so much better. I should know. I've been reading porn since before most of you could read.

    Hmmm, explains my unwavering addiction to FF and Twitarded, of course.

    I tweeted Bleriana today, she'd never heard of the "Story of O." Shit. I feel older than Carlisle.

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  6. @jarielynn - good to know we didn't miss out! not that we would be buying another "pornody" and time soon - still recovering from this one! {{{shudder}}}}

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  7. LMFAO! Thanks for sparing me. Loved weXXX's review. My problem with porn is that once I see the mechanics of fucking or whatever other acts are there, I get bored. Like, sadly bored of it. In a heartbeat. Am I normal? Don't answer that.

    Okay, back to Chapter 23 (where there will be no ass-to-mouth, sorry).

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  8. @Adonica - huh really??? that was my first porn! still have that one around here somewhere (ok i know exactly where it is - lol).

    : )

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  9. @Myg - that movie could make you never want to fuck again. and never ever EVER EVER record it, no matter what - that's for sure! looks SO much better in my mind, i'll tell you that much!

    and hey, shouldn't you be writing and not reading, missy??? where's the whip-cracker???

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  10. File this under "thing that make you shudder"

    couldn't figure out to type the sound of a shudder!! lol!!

    Side nite: Holy tweezed eyebrows Batman!!! Poor Rob!!

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  11. @STY Seriously, she'd NEVER heard of it. I sent her the Amazon link for the book. I'd mail her my copy, but dried up drool-smeared pages are worse than bad video porn.

    @MYG STY will have to get in line behind me to spank you to get writing, not reading, and DEFINITLY not The Story of O.

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  12. The thought of you and JJ watching this together is classic. Oh to have been a fly on the wall...

    So, let me see if I got this right. There's no dog(gie style) in it? Off to send an email because that sounds Oscar worthy to me ;)

    Lisa

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  13. I'm just speechless.
    I saw it listed on pay preview thought about it for a sec and decided no.

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  14. I would have most certainly tossed my skittles at the Alice jizz face. Facials are a hard, hard limit for me. Shit, I might boot it just thinking about it. Gah!

    I like watching porn on mute & making up crazy stories & voices for the characters. I'm sure that's totally normal.

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  15. What @17foreverlisa failed to mention is that there is a New Moon version out there too and she posted about it a few months ago ;)

    http://17foreverlisa.blogspot.com/2010/04/new-moon-xxx.html

    Will you be watching that for us too??? LOL!!!

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  16. @dangrdafne & 17foreverlisa - i HAVE to go check that out now - lol! and NO i will not be watching another one. sticking to reading, thk you very much!

    : )

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  17. @TK - yeah at one point JJ closed her eyes tight and stuck her fingers in her ears and said "Tell me when it's over!" - so no skittles for us this time. we did almost choke on a couple pita chips before we realized that snacking and porn don't go.

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  18. Thanks babes! You are real troopers to sacrifice for us!

    The review was great [probably more entertaining than the video!]

    And this subject is so appropriate following the recent discussion of what we hope to see from Melissa and Stephenie in BD next year!

    I'm just gonna' go read some fanfic now. And maybe bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

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  19. This was hands down the worst porn I've ever seen. I seriously almost blew chunks a couple of times and I saw "two girls one cup" (I actually did puke when I saw that but that's for another day). It was h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. Edward looked like your stereotypical douchenugget Joisey shore mother fucker. I swear I thought he was going to start calling for Jaegerbombs when he got done doin' Bella up her pooper. Even the gaffer(?) kept boppin' on the head with the microphone.

    Did we mention it was bad? Cuz' yeah, it was bad.

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  20. Oh good God... I was laughing through this whole post when I wasn't cringing, some things were just uh ew.

    Wow way to take a bullet for us. I'd probably never watch it but that's a given considering I have never seen a porn movie. I will stick to my FF's!

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  21. thanks ladies. This post sparked the longest conversation about a twilight blog post that I've ever had with my husband. Ever. He even asked me who played Bella and what you guys thought about it. I almost read him half the post.
    I'm glad you had to suffer through it because this is one movie I won't be buying for the vault. Not that I'm not into porn but I'll keep my twilight lemons closer to 50 shades thanks :)

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  22. You two are Goddesses to save us from such suffering!

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  23. I will only watch this with JJ and STY's Rifftrax style commentary. Loved the review....too freaking funny....and a little disturbingle gross. Thanks my friends for taking one for the team.

    OK, now I am off to the wonderful world of fanfic sexy times.....

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  24. You never go ass to mouth!!!!!! (I love Clerks 2) I am glad you watched because I don't think I could..EVER. Not a big fan of porn, I find fanfic much more satisfying. Although I did crack up thinking about John and Kate Fuck Eight lol

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  25. Porn became boring a long time ago. What we're really looking for are erotic films - even my husband prefers these instead of porn. I really hope the industry understands that someday - that simply fucking and grunting isn't enough.

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  26. Ok, after reading this, I changed my mind. I definitely don't want to see this! Yikes.... I'm not good with jizz on the face either so I'm going to pass!!

    God please let Bel Ami be at least semi-pornographic. Pleeeeeeeease!!

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  27. I came across HBO soft Vampire porn the other night, and it was..

    Human: Im in jail
    Vampire: I can help
    Human: How did you get in here?
    Vampire: Im a vampire...

    Let's fuck for 5 minutes.

    Then the human wanted to find more vampires, and they were all blondes girls that fuck eachother and have no idea when people break in their house to watch.

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  28. Ass to mouth.

    *starts throwing up*
    I'm getting flashbacks to The Human Centipede.

    Urgh, I have to erase the memory of what I just read. Excuse me while I go and watch the sex scene that Rob has with the preggo chick from Lost in Remember Me.

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  29. Thanks for taking one for the team. Not that I thought about doing it, but now I know not to waste my time.

    Did want to let you know I just heard a commercial that Jenna Haze will be in my area this weekend....maybe I should get her autograph and let her know what big fans you are! Or maybe not.

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  30. *Slow clap for STY and JJ*

    I am impressed at your dedication, ladies. This review by weXX was HILARIOUS, and I enjoyed every second of it - which is great, since it sounds like the actual porn is pretty terrible!

    And Myg, I love you baby, but please - let there be no ass to mouth in ANY chapter of Osa Bella, let alone Ch 23!

    Once upon a time, freshman year of college, my roommate had an assignment to watch The Mask with Jim Carey for some Honors seminar in comedy. So, being typical college students, we downloaded what we thought was The Mask from the local filesharing site, and sat down to watch. It quickly became clear that mask.avi was NOT, in fact, the theatrical release! It was a hilarious, terrible porn in which a mad scientist horribly disfigures himself during an experiment ("Don't mix the blue and the green!") and... women have sex with him. At one point he gets a new face, "the mask," and some lady who wouldn't do him before does him... or something. We were strangely fascinated and totally watched the entire thing. Good times!

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  31. how crazy am i? when i went to the porno shop and the "this isnt the new moon xxx parody" poster up on the wall. I bough it. strait up. i squeeled like a little girl (making all the buyers of smut to look at me like i was craaazy) and forked over a wad of bills so i could hang the smut poster in my room.

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  32. You brave souls-you actually watched AND reviewed; impressive! If you think that was bad you should see the Eclipse parody OMFG seriously, I'm still marveling at the performance by "Victoria"-let me just say that I thought I knew what "double penetration" meant but this is the first time I've seen two dicks share the same hole...front AND back. Now that's what I call talent!!??? You gotta watch it...

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  33. Ewww, I think I saw the these "actors" in L.A. at the Eclipse Twi Tour in June. We were walking around the side of the Century Plaza and they were blocking the sidewalk with their cameras and microphone stopping people for interviews. This video was laying on the side wall. Pretty sad looking, with an "eww'factor. Glad I didn't let them stop me to talk, although if I had read this post first.... Maybe they were recruiting for the next one. Double yuck.

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