Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My First Blogging Injury

There was always a small part of me that wondered how long it would take for Twitarded to affect one of us in a physical sense (melting panties aside, natch). And I'm not talking about how my muscles have turned to mush from lack of exercise, or how my skin kind of has this green tinge to it that ML is convinced is a result of me staring at a monitor for 20 hours a day.

I'm talking about actually being injured. Like, you know, getting an ass-kicking or something. Given the content of this blog, I kind of assumed that any injury one of us might receive would be at the hands of an irate reader. Or (more likely) a family member of one of our readers.

I was wrong.

You see, Saturday night I lost sensation in my pointer finger and most of my middle finger of my left hand. Let me just point out that my left hand is THE hand that does all the important stuff, like writing, holding utensils and administering the self-love. One minute everything was fine and dandy and the next, my fingers were all tingly and shit and then the tips went numb. On Sunday, they were still all numb so I decided, against my better judgment, to look that shit up on WebMD.

For those of you who don't go the self-diagnosis route online, let me sum this up for you. No matter what your ailment is YOU WILL FUCKING DIE FROM IT. Pimple? Advanced skin cancer. Got a cough? It's congestive heart failure AND/OR pneumonia brought on by the final stages of AIDS. Weird rash? A very rare Malaysian skin disease that eats away at your flesh. Doesn't really matter, YOU WILL DIE.

OMG, it says right HERE my testicles are going to fall off and I'm gonna DIE!!! Nooooo -- wait, I don't have testicles but I'm still going to kick the bucket. Noooooo!!!

Despite the fact that I know this, I went online and started reading. I was totally horrified when I discovered I've had a stroke or seizure, advanced diabetes, frostbite, Gigantism and something called Raynaud's phenomenon. Oh, and cancer.

Mommy (not a)Jerkface assured me that I don't have Gigantism, unless by Gigantism they mean Dwarfism (fucking comedians, the whole lot of them) and she was pretty sure it's hard to get frostbite when it's August in Jersey and ninety five fucking degrees out.

To make the long and the short of it, when I woke up on Monday morning with no sensation in those fingers still, I decided it was high time to see a doctor. So, today I did. I headed downtown where I did my usual "harass the nurse who tries to weigh me and then insist my shoes weigh 10 pounds, each" shtick and then they left me alone in the room. Of course, I whipped out my cell phone and started hunt n' peckin' an email to Snarkier Than You with my right hand.
To: Snarkier Than You
From: Jenny Jerkface
Subject: Hi!

Sitting in Dr. office waiting for someone to come tell me they are going to amputate my hand. Nurse liked my tattoo though. God this is boring.
To: Jenny Jerkface
From: Snarkier Than You
Subject: Re: Hi!

Make sure they cut below the tat… I like that one, too. :)
So much for sympathy or comfort. Twatgobbler.

Finally, the good Doctor came in and we went through the battery of inane questions and then finally she asked "do you spend a lot of time on the computer?"

"Is, like, sixteen hours a day a lot?" I asked. She stared at me like I just told her I shat my pants purely for enjoyment. So, apparently, I spend WAY too much time on the computer.

That poor, poor guy. I totally feel his pain.

In the end, it turned out it's not cancer, or diabetes or multiple sclerosis or anything like that.

It's Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, which apparently effects geeks and computer nerds and causes the muscle, or bones, or possibly microscopic bacteria, to generally wreak havoc on your wrists and fingers until your digits get all necrotic and gross looking and no one wants to be your friend. At least, that's what WebMD told me.

The doctor, on the other hand, told me to give the computer a break and I laughed a little hysterically and then she said I was too uptight and needed to relax or something. I jumped on this, hoping to walk out with a prescription for Xanax or something but all I was told was to "meditate." Lamespice.

Guess which one I am.

Naturally, the first thing I did was send Snarkier Than You an email, because I know she's been worried, since I've had a hard time typing. And, unlike her, I wanted to assuage any concern she might have. Uh huh. Sure.
To: Snarkier Than You
From: Jenny Jerkface
Re: I'm fucked

Lol, I have carnal tunnel. No typing at all for 2 weeks and I have to wear a brace for a while.
I'm not above lying to freak the fuck out of STY. The brace, yes. The no typing for two weeks? Total fucking lie. Well, mostly.
To: Jenny Jerkface
From: Snarkier Than You

Re: I'm fucked
Ok my head just exploded. Pretty much sobbing, on the phone with a client and talking nonsense because all I can think of is what a disaster this will be...
Yup, I'm an asshole. Anyhoo, I am currently writing this with an ugly-ass brace on my left hand. I'm supposed to wear this monstrosity for the better part of the day and night for who-the-fuck knows how long. I did tell STY that my wrist and palm are now encased in metal, so if anyone tries any fuckery on me when we're at Forks, they're gonna get their asses whooped, because I'm like Iron Man now.

See? It's like this, only without the vaguely attractive guy attached to it. Or that light thingy, though that would be pretty fuckawesome.

I can already tell this brace is going to be a fucking disaster. I mean, it's not that huge but I had it on for a whopping twenty minutes before I spilled food on it, and I almost fell off the toilet trying to wipe my ass with my right hand. Do you know how hard it is to wipe with your non-dominant hand?? It's fucking hard, trust me.

Doods. SO psyched about my new... accessory. Cantcha tell??

All I know is that ML might want to sleep with a helmet on because if I start flailing around with this thing on, someone's going to get hurt. And it ain't gonna be me.

But it won't be all bad. I'm thinking this brace may get me out of some chores, too. I mean, I can't wash dishes, right? Wouldn't want to get it wet, after all. Weeding/gardening it out because I'm supposed to be resting my wrist, yo. And dudes, this brace is like my get-out-of-a-handjob-for-free card.

P.S. - ML thinks my new accessory is real fucking cute and has been singing Billy Idol songs since he got home.

Looks like ol' Billy doesn't like his Carpal Tunnel brace either. But his is fancier, the lucky bastard.

P.P.S. - This is also, like, the longest fucking post I've written in awhile -- mainly because the moment someone tells me NOT to do something, I feel totally compelled to do it. So, dear doctor who told me to lay off the typing -- LMT.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Wanna Know What We're Doing in Forks?

I know a lot of you twat waffles have been sniffing around for some sort of Twitarded itinerary for Forks. As Snarkier Than You said in last night's post, this is not going to be a highly structured type trip by any means. Which is good because then we're all free to search the woods endlessly for certain sparkly vampires.

Uh-huh, I'm talking about you, pretty.

However, we are planning some fun shit for our group. And like anything else, we're waaaaaay behind on planning - I mean fuck, it's not like we've had 8 months to plan this stuff or anything! You look up "procrastinators" in the dictionary, I'm fairly certain our three mugs are right next to the definition! So now we're scrambling around, trying to nail down the details of all this fun shit. And even though some of the times below are tentative, it will give you enough info to plan your tours and stuff.

Yup, kinda like this... only worse. And with drinking included.

So here's a (sort of) itinerary of things we're working on:

Thursday, 9/30
Twilight Lounge: You'll be able to find us here hanging out for an informal meet and greet and some imbibing. (The Lounge will be open to the public so this is not a Twitards only event. Helloooo! Let the shitshow begin!)

Friday, 10/1
Twilight Movie Viewing: We will be showing Twilight at the Twilight Lounge (how fitting) from 2pm-4pm. Be there or be square! This will be an exclusive Twitards only viewing.
Bonfire at Rialto Beach: We looked into having a bonfire at First Beach but they now charge for them and they're not too crazy about ginormous groups. Rialto Beach is next door and there's no charge. We have planned tentatively to do a Bonfire here around 8pm.
Twilight Lounge: After the Bonfire, we'll be warming up our fingers and toes with some libations. More informal meetings and greetings. (Again, this is not a Twitards-only event.)

Saturday, 10/2
The Big Twitarded Event: The Twilight Lounge will be closing its doors to the public for all us Twitards to let our hair down and get craaaaaaazy! We will be charging a $20 cover charge for this event to cover food (appetizers/finger foods), non-alcoholic beverages and whatever else needs to be paid for! We are asking everyone to sign up ahead of time so we have an idea of how many people are coming. We hope everyone will attend this one! We're going to have prizes and shit to give away!! Aaaaaaand there'll be karaoke... who doesn't love some fucking karaoke?! Warm up those vocal cords laaaaaaadies! Click here to sign up!

OMFG only 30 more days until Foooooooorrrrkkkkssss! I can't believe it's almost here!! {{jumps around like a kid on Christmas morning}}

Don't worry non-Forks peeps, we'll be returning to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow night! We won't spend the whole month talking about our trip...

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Time to Sign Up for Forks Twilight Tours!

I want to go to there. And I will.

Well my twatty lovelies, the time is whipping by and suddenly summer's nearly over and it's almost time for FOOOORKS!!! I know, I know - I can't believe it either! We know we haven't been doing a ton of updating on the trip but rest assured, the hundred or so of you who have signed up: it's ON. I might have a nervous breakdown between now and then and I am not sure that thirty days is enough time for me to completely rewire my personality so that I don't spend the entire trip hiding in a closet somewhere, but we're working on it.

As we've tried to say as many times as possible in as many ways possible, this trip is NOT going to be a highly structured conference-y type of dealie. We want everyone to have the opportunity to hang out together, let their Twitarded freak flags fly, gather for a few evenings of debauchery, and maybe spend their days on any number of activities in the area. I know that Jenny Jerkface and Latchkey Wife have been working on some things in my absence last week (trip to visit the fam and I had almost NO online access unexpectedly - more about that some other day!) and we're trying to get caught up on a bunch of stuff, so expect a more detailed update soon! In the meantime, it's time to book your Forks Twilight Tour!

The lovely ladies of Dazzled by Twilight are pretty much our saviors when it comes to this trip... If they were prude-y sorts who didn't get our [ahem] "special" more tawdry side of the fandom, we'd be royally screwed. Luckily, they GET it--woot!!--and are fans of our...unique Twitarded style and are welcoming us with open arms!

With that in mind, they have been kind enough to offer us a 15% discount off of their usual rate of $39 if we book our tours before September 15th (I feel like an infomercial here, but act NOW because this offer won't last!).

You can go HERE to Dazzled by Twilight and use "TWITARDS" as your promo code to receive this discount (and btw - the tours have different names but are all the same - the names differentiate the time of day only). We'll have more Forks-y updates in the days and weeks to come, but time's a-wastin', twat-waffles! Latchkey Wife, VitaminR70, Jenny Jerkface, Myg and I will all be on the [short] bus for our Forks tour as soon as we arrive in town - Thursday 9/30 at 3:00 - hope to see you then!

Stay tuned in the next few days to find out what the general plan of attack is once we reach the promised land Forks and decide which tour works best for you!

I was going to just leave a mint on your pillow but I decided to wait for you instead...

See you at the Forks Motel!! What... He'll be there, right???

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Osa Bella - Chapter 30 "Lobo Rey" [Twilight FanFiction]

Hi! As per TexasKatherine, this is now officially the chapter where Edward and Bella go off to Reckoner and have wild monkey sex for about 17,000 words and then sail off into the sunset and THE END! Or it will be as soon as I come back and revise it a little. Love ya!

Here's your .pdf!



Lobo Rey

All the leaves, the bark of the trees, the underbrush, and the air swirled around me, invaded me. The intense pain from my broken bones made speech nearly impossible. All I could do was will my heart not to stop. I felt like I was bleeding internally again, like I had become nothing but blood and dust all mingled inside a sack of flesh and that there was just no way my form was going to hold. I was withering, right there in Edward's arms as he ran faster, now faster again to the north.

Behind us I heard more bears, and then more, rolling up on us like a thunderhead. Edward was fast, but carrying me in his arms slowed him down. I thought he should leave me behind and save himself. Maybe the bears would spare me, but I knew if they caught us they'd never spare him. I prayed that Edward might hear my thoughts, but if he did he said nothing. I couldn't hear his, though I could guess what they were—don't die, Bella.

"Come on, Bella," he said, as I felt my pulse grow fainter. "Stay with me. Please."

"It's Edward! He's got her," I heard Emmett's voice, booming from a distance. "They're headed north."

"Run!" Edward yelled. "Don't follow. We're outnumbered."

But no sooner had Edward said it than I could sense the presence of the Cullens, a cold blast of air coming toward us from the east. "We can't fight them off," Edward called out to them. "There are too many. We have to run."

"They're catching up, Edward," Emmett called, now closing in on us as we continued our race to the north. "We're going to have to fight."

"How many vampires do we have?"

"Twenty," I heard Carlisle's normally cool voice strained. "But the others have to find us. They were all tracking to the east of here."

"There are nearly twice that many bears following now," Jasper said. "If we fight before too many more arrive we have a chance."

"She's fading, Carlisle," Edward said, his voice pained.

"Stop here and change her and we'll fight them," Emmett said. "Don't take the chance. We'll defend her."

"If we're defeated and she stays human she has a chance. If I change her they'll destroy her with the rest of us."

"We have to fight," Emmett said, jumping over the trunk of a downed tree.

"They're getting closer," I heard Rosalie say from a little further behind. "What's the plan?"

"Keep running," Edward said. "Run until we have no choice. Where are Alice and Esme?"

"Searching for the others," Carlisle said.

And so we all continued to run through the forest together, Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie behind us in a defensive line. We ran so fast that I could hear the trees moaning as we passed. The trampling of the undergrowth, the scampering away of wildlife felt like a runaway forest fire was coming through, and we were the beacons of its destruction.

"They're too close," Rosalie said, a little panicky. "Emmett, they're too close."

Then like a wave breaking on a rocky shoreline, the bears were upon us. I quailed as I realized just how many there were. Bears were everywhere.

"Make a perimeter around Bella," Carlisle yelled. And I saw Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie wheel about us, forming a protective circle.

Edward looked at me with grief in his eyes. "Carlisle!" Edward yelled, checking my vitals.  Carlisle was at my side in an instant.

I heard a sound like a boulder crashing to the ground. "Emmett!" Rosalie screamed as a bear knocked her off her feet. Emmett gave a terrifying roar as he and Edward leaped to her aid.

"Don't let two of them get hold of you at the same time," Jasper shouted. "Evade! Evade!"

"Keep breathing, Bella," Carlisle said to me, gently straightening my limbs as he crouched protectively over me. I cried out in agony as he aligned my arms, my legs, my neck. Behind us I heard trees being broken, the sharp sound of kicks, punches, bodies colliding and the intermingled grunts and moans of pain from the battle steps away. "You can heal," Carlisle said, insistently, commanding me with his eyes. "I've seen you do it before. Concentrate."

"Don't let me die," I said, tears in my eyes. "Turn me, Carlisle. Please turn me before its too late."

"You'll be too vulnerable," he said. "Edward is right. Your hope now is to stay human."

"Don't let me die. Please don't let me die."

"I swear to you I won't, Bella," he said. "Just breathe. You've got to concentrate."

I tried to do as he directed, tried to will my mind to heal my body by concentrating on my breath and the warmth of the daylight. I tried to block out the terror that took place just steps away and think about the light. I sent heat into every part of me and then I could feel it—healing energy. It was still painful, but I could also sense that I was coming back together. I would be whole again. I would be whole. I fucking insisted I would be whole. For him.

"Edward, over here!" Jasper called, and then there was the sound of breaking bones and the agonized cries of a gravely injured beast.

"Don't drink their blood," Edward yelled. "You'll get distracted."

I turned my head and saw Alice and Esme run up to us with Tanya, Peter and six other vampires from the party.

"They're all we could find," Alice said to Carlisle. "We can't last very long out here," she said.

"We've got to run," Tanya said. "It's our only chance."

"We can't outrun them now," Carlisle said getting to his feet.

"Leave me," I said. "Save yourselves. You can't let yourselves be destroyed out here."

"Oh God, Jasper," cried Alice. She ran to where Emmett and Edward were pulling a bear off of Jasper while another pawed at his legs. With a ferocious howl, Alice nearly severed the bear's head with a sharp blow and a tearing bite. But as fast as the bear was dispatched, two more closed in on her. Esme flew at them, a mother enraged.

"We're not leaving you here, Bella," Carlisle said. "Tanya, stay with Bella until I can get Edward out of there. If we can give them more of a head start then we can disperse and lead them away."

Carlisle leaped onto the back of a large bear headed for Esme and jerked its head to the side, snapping its neck.

There was a loud, crackling sound that I thought might be thunder from a coming storm, but it was a tree breaking in half as Emmett was thrown into it by two bears. It was falling right toward me, but Tanya caught it and pulled it to the side at the last moment. A bear charged us and reared on its hind legs over me, and I braced myself to be crushed under its weight. Then Edward roared as he tackled it. He sank his teeth into its leg and I watched a river of bright red blood arc into the air as he let go. He came to my side. "I've got to get you out of here," he said. "How much pain are you in now? Can I move you?"

"Your family," I said. "They can't hold out against so many."

"We'll all run together. We've got to get to the water—we have the advantage there. Are you strong enough to ride on my back?"

"If you bite me but just inject me with a trace of your venom, won't I get a boost?"

"I can't risk doing that here, Bella," he said. "Not now."

"Okay, carry me on your back," I said. He helped me sit up. I moaned in pain, but I at least I now had the strength to sit. Tanya stood before us, protectively as the rest of the vampires continued to fight the bears several feet away. Two bears emerged from the underbrush and took us by surprise. One jumped on Edward and tumbled with him, carrying him several yards away. Tanya pulled the bear off of Edward, only to be pinned by the other, whose massive jaws clamped down on her thigh.

"No!" Edward yelled. There was a horrifying squeal, like metal plates being torn apart, as the bear ripped Tanya's leg off. Edward grabbed the bear's head by the ears and smashed it into a large rock. But as he did, the first bear began to twist Tanya's head off.

"No!" I screamed. "No!"

Tanya's arms began to flail and her face cracked like dry earth in the hot sun until her body stopped moving. Edward flew onto the bear's back and crushed its skull. Another bear leaped over them and came straight toward me. Edward charged it and threw it into a tree.

"We're not going to make it," Rosalie cried. "We're not going to make it!" Edward gave her a desperate look and I felt hope retreat.

And then I heard it, along with everyone else. The fighting paused for a beat as we all registered the distant howling, eerie and foreboding. Jake.

"The wolves are coming," I said.

The howl grew louder, siren-like, more terrifying as it drew as it near. The other vampires looked frightened as they heard it, as if they all recognized that this was the war cry of Jacob Black, legendary vampire hunter.

"We've got to run!" Peter cried. "It's the wolves—we're done for."

Then I heard Emmet yell, "Edward look out!" Three bears attacked Edward as he was distracted by the noise, one pulling on his arm, another his legs.

"Edward!" I screamed.

Carlisle jumped on one of the bears and fought to pull it away. Edward broke free but then two more bears turned on Carlisle, one trapping him against the trunk of a tree while the other grabbed his neck in his jaws and began to crush it. Edward was fighting off two more bears as the other vampires continued defending.

Then with the force of a tornado, the wolves came pounding in, fur bristling, teeth bared. Jake was out in front, now larger than the largest bear among them. He ran to Carlisle and bared his teeth at the bears who held him as the other wolves lined up behind him. Jake growled and snarled and the pack followed suit, pushing the bears back as the vampires took cover behind the wolves. Carlisle realigned his own neck, still somewhat dazed and then stood up and said, "Thank you, Jacob."

"What the hell is going on?" I asked.

"He's getting the bears to stand down," Edward said, coming over to me. And it was true, the bears had stopped their attack. The silence of the woods seemed to swell as the melee subsided.

Then Edward turned sharply to Jake, as though he'd been asked a very hostile question. "Yes," Edward said. "But it would have killed her—and me. I had no choice." Jake growled viciously at him.

"What is it?" Carlisle said.

"The kermode bear that I killed at Lake Crescent," Edward said, now distraught. "Jacob says it was their spirit guardian. They believe she was their direct link to the next world."

"Oh, my God," Carlisle said. "Edward—no wonder you were so affected by its blood."

"It's worse," Edward said. "One of the bears saw Bella run from me when I killed her—they think Bella is her, phased into human form."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"They think I've stolen you from them."

"But they're wrong," I said. "We have to tell them. Jake, you have to tell them."

"This is very primitive communication, Bella…" Edward put his face in his hands briefly, then looked up at me. "Jake got this information from someone—some translator—back at La Push."

"Jake," I said. "You have to tell them I'm not her."

"He can't explain anything to them right now," Edward said, looking ill. "Bella—they think you're Jacob's mate. He told them you were marrying him so they would bring you back to La Push. That's probably what the tribe was doing when I found you."

"What? No," I said. "No."

Jake turned and came to where we were. He walked up to Edward and drove him several steps back from me with his head. I expected Edward to argue or push back, but I could see him restraining himself and backing off. Then Jacob came to where I sat on the ground and stood over me, protectively.

"No!" I said to Jacob.

"Bella," Edward said. "Jacob can't keep the bears from attacking unless they believe you're going to marry him and unify the two tribes. They believe he's going to be your husband and their king."

"Tell them no," I said. "It's not true."

"Jacob," Edward said. "You need to phase and explain it to her."

Jake arched his neck over me, possessively. The bears backed further away, cautiously as the rest of the wolves closed the circle around the vampires who stood near us. Jake phased and crouched over me, naked. I began to cry.

"What the fuck did you do?" I yelled at him.

"What the fuck did I do?" he said, furious. "What did I do? I just saved your fucking blood suckers, that's what I did. And you're welcome."

"Don't be an asshole," Edward said. "She's in a lot of pain."

"What the hell happened to her?"

"I fell out of a tree," I said.

Jake shook his head at me. "Why didn't you tell me what he did?" he demanded. "Do you have any idea the consequences of this?"

"How the hell could we know that?" I yelled back.

“Do you understand how evil an act it is to slaughter and drink the blood of a spirit animal? Do you know how lost these beings are now? They will never stop hunting you.”

“Explain that they’re wrong,” I said. “I’m not some spirit animal, or whatever the hell they think I am."

“Yes, I can see that,” he said. “But that doesn’t mean they will.”

“So what the hell am I going to do?”

"You're going to marry me," he said. "Or else they're going to take you back into the forest and wait for you to phase into a bear and I have no idea what they'll do to you once they figure out that you're not her."

"What about Edward? What about the Cullens?"

"They'll kill them and I can't do anything about it unless the Ani Tsa gu hi believe I'm going to be their leader. The only way I can do that is if you marry me."

"Edward?" I said, desperate. "What do I do?"

"You're going to ask him?" Jake said, furious. "After what he's done?"

"Bella," Edward said. "It's okay."

"It's not okay," I said, crying. "They can't kill you. I can't handle that."

Edward moved to comfort me but Jake glared at him.

"Don't come anywhere near her if you want to live," he said, and as he spoke, I noticed the bears back on their haunches again, ready to attack. Edward stood still, his eyes pained as he looked at me.

Sometimes in the face impossible circumstances, you begin to understand that your will and your desires mean nothing in the face of your destiny—they are only agonies burdening you on the path to the inevitable.

I recalled vividly that night at Lake Crescent, when I provoked the spirit bear and Edward killed her to save my life. Now, for this, he would not be mine. I would not be his. But by my own hand in this moment, he would live. That much I could do.

"It's your call, Edward," Carlisle said.

"No," I said. "It's mine."

"Bella," Edward said, looking into my eyes. It was all he had to say. He, too, understood what had to be done.

"Do you promise you can get Edward and his family out of here safely?" I asked Jacob.

"Yes," he said. "I promise."

"Okay," I said. My heart, which had been weakened by my fall from the tree, strained by the coursing adrenaline of my pain, now fell heavy inside of me and broke. "I'll marry you."

I couldn't look at Edward.

"Can you walk?" Jake asked.

"No," I said, my voice cracking.

"Let me examine her and see how far she's healed," Carlisle said. "I can align her again before we leave."

"Don't come near her. You have to leave for the city," Jake said. "Go to the north. My pack will go with you and protect you. We have no idea how many bears are involved but we know it's a lot more than this."

"You'd do that for us?" Jasper asked.

"I'm doing it for Bella," Jake said. My tears fell heavily as the vampires began to move off with the pack.

"Edward," I cried as Jacob lifted me off the ground. Edward reached for me, like he was going to take me right out of Jake's arms, but then stopped himself as the bears growled and shifted toward him.

"For her sake," Jacob said. "Don't get yourself killed."

"We go to Reckoner and sail back to Alaska," Carlisle said. "Without Bella."

I began to take Edward's ring from my finger to return it, but he shook his head at me, very subtly. The bears must have believed the ring was from Jake, I realized. Edward's eyes locked on mine then, like they had so many times before, and he tried to soothe me but I wouldn't allow it. I wanted to stay with the pain of this separation, because it was the part of him I could keep with me. Our silent conversation was only a moment but transmitted an eternity of longing. Our hearts mingled in that desperate space, making their final commitments. Saying their last goodbyes.

And then they were gone.

Friday, August 27, 2010

The Summer House - 12 Minutes of My Life I'll Never Get Back.

**SPOILER ALERT!!** So I broke down and watched that short film starring Robert Pattinson called The Summer House. I really couldn't resist and it was only $1.99 on iTunes and I was so curious.

Here's the synopsis, which totally cracks me up because it basically tells you the whole entire film. No seriously, the synopsis really leaves nothing to the imagination. It's only 12 minutes for fuck's sake!
The Summer House is about a moment in a young girl's life. A turning point, a time for decision: to go back, or go forward?

Jane (17) is in rural France visiting her aunt Priscilla during the hot summer of 1969, the year of the Moon landings. Also staying at this beautiful 19th century chateau, a sleeping beauty of a house, are her aunt’s old flame Freddie Porteous, a charming Englishman, and his wife Marie Pierre, a French woman of great sophistication and beauty.

Jane has left behind an unfaithful first love. Several letters have pursued her, letters decorated with hearts to tempt her. The author of these letters, Richard (18), turns up uninvited. Jane is unaware that her situation is provoking tensions among the older generation, she catches whispers of unspoken somethings at the heart of Freddie and Priscilla's relationship and she finds Marie Pierre’s allure and passion unsettling.

Jane looks to her role models for advice but Priscilla, Freddie and Marie Pierre have become wrapped up in their own giddy feelings about what it was like to be 17 and in love. At a party to celebrate the moon landings Jane is transformed by Marie Pierre from English mouse to sophisticated woman. Wanting to impress and suspecting Richard might be at the party she holds her head high.

Dizzy from dancing and emboldened by champagne Jane ventures out to the Summer House. Curiosity has got the better of her. Is there a dalliance between her sensible aunt and charismatic Freddie? Instead she is confronted a repentant Richard. He wants her back. She is impossibly tempted, but repelled by his crude attempt to force her.

The romantic ideal of young love becomes crushed by his rough desire and by the giggling arrival of Priscilla and Freddie. Jane is forced to face the disappointment of reality. Troubled by Richard’s motivation and by the apparent immaturity of Priscilla & Freddie, she burns the unopened letters and drops them into a deep well. Her world has changed, expanded; a more complex fairy tale is emerging…
Aaaaaand now I ask this... what the fuck is the point of a short film?? That fucker was 12 minutes long... that's barely enough time to take a shit, let alone entertain me. And it definitely did not entertain me. Nope. Can someone pleeeeease explain the point of a short film?? It's more of a giant twat tease if you ask me.

Plus, the other characters in this filmette really bugged the living shit out of me and RPattz was in the movie for oh, all of about two measly minutes. Granted he was smoking hot in those two minutes, and that stupid child Jane was ridiculously stupid for thwarting his advances... I mean, who does that? I don't care what the script says. Let him put those hands (oh, those hands) wherever he pleases!! Prude.

Exhibit A of smoking hotness. Sweet baby jeezus!

Exhibit B of more literally smoking hotness! Maybe it's my panties that are smoking?

So I basically paid $2 for 2 minutes of screen time of Rob... worth it? Maybe... the lighting during his part was very reminiscent of a couple of my favorite scenes in Twilight...

Oh gahd, I feel veeery... protective of you.

Hold still... I just wanna try one thing. Humina humina humina.

So my Twitarded friends... have you taken the plunge and spent your hard earned pennies on this mini-film? What did you think of it? I'll admit, I've never been a big fan of RPattz's earlier acting adventures. I didn't even make it through How To Be so maybe I'm glad this one was a short.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

How This Community Has Ruined Us - The Filter Is Kaput!

I have a secret that's not really mine but I'm going to dish about it anyway. And I intended on doing this prior to this person being stuck somewhere in some blazingly hot Southern state... with no internet access. Somehow, that makes this post SO much better.

At one point in her life, Snarkier Than You actually had a filter. Sure, it was more like a thin, meshy, gauzy kind of filter but she had one nonetheless. It was more for fashion rather than function, ya know?

STY's filter pre-January 18, 2009. Pretty, but powerless against fuck-alls and twatwaffles.

That filter slowly disintegrated over the past eighteen months until it was nothing more than a vague memory of social decorum.

As you all know, nothing is sacred here at Twitarded, and this motto has apparently transferred over to pretty much every aspect of our lives. We talk about sex lives like we're discussing a really awesome (or embarrassing) movie we'd seen recently and no one blinks an eye when the topic of poop or other bodily fluids come up randomly in every day chatter. "Fuck" is more common than "the".

STY's Oh, fuck it, all of our filters now.

"Go fuck yourself" and "suck my dirty ass" are now terms of endearment that are uttered with a smile and a wink.

Take, for example, an early morning text message conversation between myself and STY. ML was away on tour so I was forced to schlep my lazy ass over a mile every morning to the train station.

It was not fun. Not in the least. I found myself snarling thinly veiled threats and curse words at cars and fellow commuters more often than usual, which is like every five seconds. Oh, and to the dickhead who whistled at me one morning as I was half-jogging down the street because I had thirty two seconds to catch the train? I totally don't regret yelling at you to drink a bowl of herpes.

Yup, my opinion regarding my commute is pretty self-explanatory.

STY, being the best BFF ever, took pity on me a few days and offered to drive me so I wouldn't show up to work looking like I just ran a marathon. She's awesome like that.

I insist that STY pick me up in style, what can I say.

Oh, and it's also physically impossible for me to, I don't know, actually get up at a reasonable hour and this resulted in me being obscenely late more often than not. I fucking hate mornings.

STY - Ma'am please let me know when to send that surly driver of yours around.
Me - God I love you. If you had a dick I'd totally suck it. Guess who woke up late again?? Give me 20, lol. Text you in a few.
STY - LMAO!!!! aaaand poopin'. Just wanted to share.
Me - Yup. Definitely love you.
STY - p.s. LMT**
Me - I'll be ready in five. And no LMT right after a poop session. Duh.
STY- Fair enough. Raincheck.

In the end, STY retrieved my late ass and deposited me at the train station, where I got out of the car, blew her a kiss and told her I loved her. All the other husbands and wives that were lined to dump their significant others off heard me.

But we didn't care.

**LMT - lick my twat.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Osa Bella - Chapter 29 "Anyone's Ghost" [Twilight FanFiction]

I know, I know, I left you all in a terrible state with that cliffie last time, what with Bella being all dragged off by some old man bear at the end. I know you were all prepared, just itching for Edward and Jacob to be all RAWR and fighty and shit, and that didn't happen. But it's good when you don't know what's coming, right?

If you'd like to start from the beginning, try it here at fanfic.net or you can use this link to search for the OB posts right here at Twitarded, or you can go to Osa Bella's blog here and get all the .pdfs.

We've got about five chapters left. That's right. Somebody hold me.

I'll just say this: I hope you enjoy Chapter 29, "Anyone's Ghost." And I hope you'll leave me your comments here, or at Fanfiction.net, or hell, some of you are so awesome you leave me comments in both places AND tweets too! (looking right at you @Hollister_1980). Every single comment and review and email and tweet I get means the world to me. That's truth right there.

Here's your .pdf of Chapter 29. See you all below.

Anyone's Ghost

The breeze, the smell of moss and dirt and the dampness of the air told me I was still outside, even before I opened my eyes. Something soft lay against me, moving rhythmically, and I realized it was a belly rising and falling in the steady breaths of sleep. I reached my hand tentatively towards it and felt the soft pelt of an animal, a quick and steady heartbeat. Something next to it shifted and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw two black bear cubs, nestled into my side, and I held my hand over the heart of the smaller one. Not wanting to disturb their sleep, I moved very slowly away from them and then began to walk away quietly, but quickly, passing another black bear curled into a tight ball, fast asleep.

I had no idea where I was, other than alone in the woods, though I didn’t know what forest it was. There was no moon and no way to see the stars through the thick trees and certainly not through the heavy clouds hanging close above. The air was cool and I was grateful it wasn’t raining. I walked steadily in some direction I decided to call west, though I didn't really know.

The forest is a different kind of place in the middle of the night. It’s quiet, but it isn’t peaceful, and the soft, subtle movements you do hear score all kinds of dark fantasies. But that night I wasn’t afraid of vampires or wolves or bears, or even ghosts, demons or devils. I was only afraid I would die out there and never see Edward again. That he’d never know what happened to me. That I’d never become his wife.

And so I kept walking. I walked all through the night, steadily in one direction. Unless I was headed due south, I would have to hit some major water body sooner or later, and if I could get that far, then I could find civilization.

Light filtered down through the canopy of leaves as the sun came up, but it was a dull, gray light. I would have appreciated a good dose of bright sunlight that day.

What had happened in my absence? Had Edward gone to La Push to find me? Had he fought with Jacob? Whatever ensued, at this point Edward was probably out looking for me, perhaps even somewhere nearby. With that thought, I walked faster, picking my way deftly through the underbrush, rocks and stumps of fallen trees. I crossed several small brooks where I was able to drink. I watched for signs of unwelcome visitors, bears at the top of that list, but crossed paths with none. I walked all day, but I there was no sign of Edward, nor any vampire. There was no sign of Jake either. When darkness came again I stopped but I did not sleep. Instead I dreamed with my eyes open.

A flash of white played in the dark, flitting in and out behind the trunks of distant trees. Not an animal, there was no sound to it at all, though it had form, no substance. Not a ghost, though at that point even a ghost might have been a welcome sight. This, I was certain, was a spirit. A spirit bear. But she came no closer. I began to walk again, in her direction, but I never reached her. I followed her the rest of that dark night.


On the second morning, I welcomed the warmth of sun, saw the rays of light breaking through the cloud bank, down through the canopy of leaves. I came to the top of a steep hill. If I could get to the top of one of these tall trees, I might be able to see for miles, and maybe I’d be able to tell if I was anywhere near civilization.

I’d never been much of a climber, but decided to try. With some height, I might get a decent view of the valley below and get some idea of where I should head. I reached for the lowest branch of the nearest tree, but it was too high. I looked for something I could step on, but found nothing that would work. The big enough rocks were too heavy to move, and the fallen limbs of trees were not thick enough. I leaped into the air a few times but couldn’t jump high enough to reach it. I surveyed the nearby trees but couldn’t find one positioned as well for viewing the valley.

Then I remembered how Edward had climbed the tree on Sucia Island by pulling himself up the trunk by his arms and thigh muscles. I grabbed hold of the trunk tightly, the bark pressing painfully into my palms and forearms at first, but then I got a good hold and was able to scramble up to the first branch using my thighs and gripping the trunk with my feet and hands. I wasn’t as fast as Edward, and certainly not as graceful, but with effort I was able to climb from branch to branch slowly all the way to the top.

I rested in the crown of this old conifer and looked out over the valley. From here, the sun and shadows of the hills told me I’d been heading north, not west. There was a massive river bend to the north. I wished I’d had my wilderness map, a compass, something to help me identify this location. It looked distinctive enough, familiar even. This had to be either some part of the Sol Duc or if I was further south, maybe the Bogachiel. But I didn’t recognize it, and I didn’t see any buildings, no sign of civilization anywhere. No campsites, no tourists, no cars, no roads. Just endless nature. It was magnificent. And daunting as hell. I looked to the south, down in the valley and back to the north, trying to decide which direction I would head in next. Downriver, I decided. That would be my best bet.

Then below in the valley something glinted, brighter than the water’s surface in the sunlight, like someone held a large mirror to the sky. It had to be a few miles away. And then I saw another, a sunspot just like it, and then moving like light itself over the river. And then I saw another further to the north, moving rapidly along the riverbank. Could it be the Cullens?

“Here! I’m up here!” I yelled as loud as I could, realizing that with the wind and the distance there’d be no way they could hear me, even with their superhuman hearing. But I yelled again, “Edward! I’m up on the hill!”

I saw them all converge. There were more now, maybe ten all together. I suddenly hoped they really were the Cullens and not some other vampire coven that had come out to frolic in the sun away from the usual tourist spots.

Climbing down was a lot harder than going up, and every time I looked down I became dizzy, making the whole ordeal twice as dangerous. I was certain I was losing them, that they’d search in the wrong direction and that when I finally reached the river bank they’d be long gone.

In my haste to reach the ground my foot slipped and slid down the trunk of the tree. I reached out for a branch to stop my fall but missed and tumbled hard, crashing through several weaker branches below. I felt a rib crack as it made contact with a large limb before I went into a terrifying freefall. I landed with a sickening thud on the ground, into a broken heap.


Breathe, keep breathing, Bella, I said to myself. In—two, three, four. Out—two, three, four. I couldn’t inhale too deeply because something was wrong with one of my lungs. I was lying on my back, one arm bent beneath me. I knew it but I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel my legs. The parts of my body I could feel hurt so badly I had to fight myself from having another out of body experience. I was afraid if I did I wouldn’t be able to come back this time, and I had to live until Edward found me.

I couldn’t yell because I couldn’t take a deep enough breath, but I could make noise, so I kept saying their names. Edward, Alice, Carlisle, Edward, Edward, Edward. They would hear me if they came close enough, and it wouldn’t have to be all that close. Jasper, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie. Edward, Edward, Edward. Please find me. Please find me before I die. Please.

Saying their names like this made me feel panicky and panicking wasn't going to help me live longer. I needed to keep making noise, though, because it would help Edward find me. I began to sing, faintly:

And the Lord, he made us fools
The prettiest of fools, oh lord he did
Stand here holding all the rain
Can you hold it through the years?
Open up your fantasy and ride your darkest fear
Baby I will get us home.
(lyrics mis-remembered from Fantasy by Family Band)

And though I was still in pain I now felt more hopeful, as though the song itself had reached right into my soul and calmed it like a frightened child. My thoughts were no longer racing and my heart rate was slowing down. I sang it again, from the top, and when I finished singing it the second time, I realized I was no longer alone.

“Isabella, what kind of trouble have you gotten yourself into now?”

It had been more than five years since I’d had the comfort of that voice, both loving and lightly admonishing, but nearly always amused. Zachary knelt beside me.

“Zack,” I said. “I can’t feel my legs.”

“I know," he said.

“Am I dead then?” I asked. “Is that why you’re here?”

"You're caught up in the middle of something pretty big, Bella."

"What am I going to do?"

"Do what you have to do, babe."

"I don't know what that is. Do I let go? Do I fight?"

"I can't tell you that," he said. "Only you know that."

"Can I leave with you right now?"

"I'm not going anywhere." He smiled like we were having a private joke and with my one arm that wasn't broken, I reached for his outstretched hand, but instead waved through the ether where he’d been.

“Zachary, don’t leave me here alone,” I cried, but it was too late. He was already gone.

But he didn’t leave me alone.

Before I could see them, I could feel their gaze, at first some distance off. I could smell them, clean but heavy like the earth. They lumbered slowly toward me and I prayed, please God, don’t let them try to move me. That might really kill me.

I lay still, staring up at the leaves, watching them turn over in the breeze. I was quiet now and tried to think how I might communicate with them not to touch me. I was fairly certain I was bleeding internally. I didn’t know about the condition of my neck, but it was likely my spine was badly damaged. I just wanted to lie still and breathe as long as I could hold out, hopefully until I could see Edward and he could change me, or at the very least, so I could see him one last time before I died.

Then a group of six naked men and women approached me. One young man bent over me and I gazed at his kindly, concerned looking face.

"Please don't touch me," I said. "I'm very badly hurt."

He reached down and carefully pulled my left arm out from under my back and I cried out. Then he pointed to my engagement ring and said some words to the others in the group. He lifted the bear fetish from my neck and inspected it. The men and women circled me and began chanting something sorrowful. Perhaps a funeral rite, I thought. But I was determined not to die. Not yet.

Then the man slowly straightened my limbs, one by one. I gasped and cried out again as I began to experience a sensation like an electric current running through my veins. I could feel my toes and fingers again. I had a spike in my pain but at least could feel every part of my body now. I drew in a slow, deep breath and felt a sharp jab in my lung that turned to a dull ache.

Their voices grew louder, less sorrowful, more powerful as I felt my pain intensify. I throbbed from head to toe. I moved my feet and then my legs, my fingers and hands and arms. I hurt but I could move now. I turned my head from left to right, slowly.

The tribesmen and women never spoke directly to me, but their voices turned to a clamor of debated positions. They were making a decision, and that decision was to take me with them.

They pulled me gently to my feet, but I could barely stand without feeling as though my bones would crumble to dust. The largest of the men gently picked me up and I groaned again as pain ripped through my core. A woman took my hand and held it and I felt heat radiating from her through me, soothing the edge of my discomfort. Then we began to walk, slowly, towards the river.

As we picked our way carefully down the side of the hill, I looked to the south, downriver but could no longer see those points of sunlight flitting along the riverbank. My heart sank. Maybe I hadn't really seen any vampires at all.

I worried I might pass out again from the pain of being carried and was relieved when one of the women motioned for us to stop as soon as we reached the river. I was laid out on a bed of leaves and two women brought me cool water in their cupped hands to sip, but drinking was difficult. I sputtered and coughed and my lungs hurt. Another man came back with the root of some plant and motioned I should chew on it. In my teeth it tasted faintly of licorice and dirt. I hoped it would dull the pain.

They sat down on the ground, closer to the riverbank and began to talk, some intense discussion I couldn't follow. I felt myself fading again as the pitch of their voices rose. I could tell they were arguing, and then they were gesturing with their hands and looking over to where I lay, their eyes full of worry, perhaps fear. Then they turned their attention to something across the river that I could not see or hear.

I tried to lift myself onto my elbows so I could look when I was suddenly lifted, very gently, by cold hands that I would know anywhere. My eyes closed in a silent prayer of gratitude as I caught and stifled a sob in my throat. I opened my eyes and saw Edward's silent, worried face looking intently at me, and though I was overcome with unbearable pain, I managed to stay very quiet as he whisked me off into the woods.

My heart sputtered and then raced as I felt his arms, strong and protective around me, cradling me as he tore off into the brush, away from where the tribesmen and women had been distracted, now I assumed, by the other Cullens. He looked upset as he glanced down, still running as fast as I'd ever seen him run.

"Bella, you're hurt," he said. "How bad?"

Despite the ringing in my ears, I could hear the frantic rustling of underbrush behind us, the grunts and roars of the tribe, now back in bear form, as they chased us through the woods. "They're coming, Edward. They're coming." I was so weak now I could barely whisper it.
"I know. I'm going to outrun them. If I can get us to the water, we can get away."

"Edward, I think I'm dying," I said, weakly.

"Did they hurt you?" His voice was tense with worry.

"I fell from a tree," I said. "I broke nearly every bone. They found me and put my body back together but the pain, Edward. It's so bad I don't know how long I can stand it."

"Okay," he said. "I can hear your pulse, it's weak but it's steady now. Are you having any trouble breathing?"

"Some," I said.

"As long as your heart continues to beat we're okay. I'm going to turn you as soon as we get away from them."

"Can you turn me now? Before it's too late?"

"No, Bella," he said. "There are at least ten following from what I can hear. I can't fight off ten bears alone and protect you. I've got to keep running."

"Where are the others?"

"On the other side of the river," he said. "We were tracking you."

"I don't know how much time I have." I was too weak to even cry. I could not stand the thought of dying in his arms, though if I was going to die, there was no place I'd rather be. My eyes closed and I felt myself begin to detach from the pain, from the physical form that housed me. The hyper speed of Edward's running made my bones, my insides feel pulverized. I tried to concentrate on that pain, to anchor myself to it, to stay in my body as he drove us ever faster into the unforgiving forest.

"You've got to hold on, Bella," he said. "Please hold on."

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What Happens When Family Finds Out You're a Whore.

If you're new to Twitarded, you might not know that my twi-bloggy-lifestyle is super duper top secret with only a select few of my real life friends knowing of my identity... And absolutely NO ONE in my family knows that I blog. Not even my husband.

I'm sorry but I just can't allow my mother to become privvy to all the dirty, illegal things I want to do to RPattz that I often write about. Just can't do it. I don't need her to look at me like oh-my-god-my-daughter's-a-whore-and-what-did-I-do-to-deserve-this??! As far as I'm concerned, my mother doesn't even know I have sex, ok? Let's put it this way - my mother having knowledge of what I blog about is the creative equivalent of krypotnite! Or getting kicked in the creative nuts. Bye bye Latchkey Wife... it's been nice knowing ya.

My mom is like kryptonite... she kills super bloggy powers!

So last week one of my cousins (who is also a huge Twilight fan) texted me with her plans of heading to Forks with the group. I nearly SHIT. MY. PANTS! Wha-wha-whaaaaaaat?? Fuck me, my cover will be blown! The secret identity I've worked so hard to keep under wraps will be compromised. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck meeeeeeeeeeee!

It's not like I've kept my general Twilight obsession a secret from my family, they definitely all know how much I love it. But I wasn't sure just how much my cousin knew. I mean she knew of my friendship with JJ and STY. She knew I saw Eclipse in NYC with them. How long would it be before she knew who I really was?? Ah ma GAHD! I am so dead.

What? Edward Cullen won't be waiting in front of my house leaning up against his Volvo? Fuck. That sucks.

After I got her first text about going to Forks, I went into total panic mode. I couldn't even respond to her, I was freaking out so bad. That's when JJ, STY and Myg stepped in with a Skypervention. Someone needed to talk me off the fucking ledge. And it worked... I would be ok with my cousin knowing my true Twi-bloggy identity, but I needed to tell her in person.

And then I got this text... "Hey, can we get together next week I have either Thurs or Fri night or this Sunday. Eclipse before it's gone? Miss Latchkey lol your jig is up buhawhaw."

To put it eloquently, I was busted.

If I nearly shit my pants when she said she wanted to go to Forks, the poo was falling out my pant leg after I got this text. Holy shit.

Um... I think the photo says it all.

Luckily I have an ultra cool cousin who totally understood the nature of this beast - being a crass, dirty-mouthed Twilight blogger - and she promised to keep my secret under lock and key. And the best part about this whole ordeal? (Besides the fact that it's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.) She said she's proud of me! I love her... as long as she keeps it in the vault.

Bring your secrets right in here please!

So when you meet Double Dippin (that's her Twitter handle) in Forks, give her a big hug and a smoochy too. She's a fucking riot and lots and lots of fun!!

P.S. - If she doesn't keep that shit in vault, Twitarded's gonna go all Soprano on her ass!! LOL!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Jenny Jerkface Attends a Meeting... Awkwardness Ensues. As Usual.

Saturday night, I joined socially-awkward forces with the lovely Miss Tejota and we ventured off to attend a novice meeting at a BDSM society.

Needless to say, I was both a little nervous and very excited about this. Nervous because I was afraid I would offend someone, giggle uncontrollably, or start shrieking, "turpentine!! TURPENTINE!!" when someone tried to shake my hand. Excited because it was something new and I'm a sucker for doing shit that makes me insanely uncomfortable.

Oh, hai Awkwardville. I love visiting you. Frequently.

Miss Tejota and I met up before the meeting for a little liquid courage and we discussed what we expected out of the evening, which really wasn't much of a discussion. I mean, I had a million scenarios running through my head but I really had no idea what expect. Would they be in head-to-toe leather? Assless chaps? Would I sneeze (accidentally giving consent) and suddenly find myself hog-tied with a cock in my mouth?

Whoa, whoa, WHOA!!! I didn't know Gesundheit meant "truss me up like a Thanksgiving turkey"!!!

I knew, in the back of my mind, that 99% of these people are just like everyone else, but I still couldn't stop my imagine from running wild.

Despite all the various scenarios I had come up with, I can say the one thing that absolutely did NOT run through my head was that the meeting would be held in a, oh, I don't know, a motherfucking DINER, so imagine our shock and surprise when we found ourselves standing in front of one, address in hand, that night.

Ummm, what? Really? Ooooookay...

Massive bouts of oh-mah-gahd-what-do-we-DO-now?? giggling ensued. I mean, I figured this would be in a private room, or maybe a dungeon, but a diner? Really? It threw me off so completely that I almost wanted to bail out and run away. Eventually we stopped laughing, pulled up our big-girl panties and marched right in there, where we immediately made a beeline for the bathroom.

More massive bouts of giggling ensued. Except this time, all the BDSM people could hear our hysterics.


We heard you giggling like fucking maniacs in there, you weird, awkward girls!! Now COME OUT!!

Thankfully, not many had arrived at that point so Miss Tejota and I positioned ourselves at the end of the table (easy escape route) and I grinned gassily at each person who showed up. And because I was already feeling really awkward and uncomfortable, my body decided to up the ante and I was sweating like a fucking whore in church.

The attendees ran the gamut of gender, size, race and age. Some folks were decidedly more S&M-y- looking while others looked like your stereotypical sweet little Grandma type (who has been into the scene for 35 years and likes to be tied up, by the way).

Needless to say, Fifty Shades did not attend the meeting.

I was too busy tying Bella up in my Red Room of Pain to attend. Next time, ladies. Next time.

We met up with a really lovely couple who were new to the scene and we spent a good deal of time just chatting and shooting the shit. Overall, everyone was extremely friendly and polite, though some were a little more stand offish than others. There was really only one guy who exuded a (major!) creep factor and he sat next to Miss Tejota. Afterward, she would point out that he looked like the Dom version of Billy Mays and I couldn't disagree.

The one thing we did not do, and what I WAS expecting, was actually talk about the BDSM lifestyle.

I was disappointed because that was pretty much the whole point of us going.

After about forty five minutes of mingling, Miss Tejota and I were getting a tad antsy so she went up to lady running the meeting and discovered that basically the meeting was a hey-what's-up-okay-let's-all-go-to-the-S&M-Club-down-the-street type thing.

S&M Club? Scenes? Um, what? This, I was not prepared for. Not monetarily OR mentally. Miss Tejota and I looked at each other, shook our heads slightly and bowed out.

Ummm, I'll just have a glass of water, kthxbye.

Here's the thing. I would have gone if I had known about it (I clearly did NOT do my homework). I had not discussed the possibility of going to an actual S&M club with ML and didn't feel right about it. In general, we don't exactly ask each other permission to do things. Our conversation regarding the upcoming Foooorks trip went a little like this:

Me: Hey! Guess what I'm doing at the end of September?? I'm going to Foooorks with a bunch of readers and stuff.

ML: Okay, have fun. Don't die. (He ends a lot of conversations this way, especially when it comes to my trips, plans or ideas.)
But there is something entirely different about going to a club where I would watch people being punished or dominated or... whatever happens in those clubs and I figured it wouldn't be right to go without discussing it first.

Also, it was twenty bucks to get in.

And there was no booze. Fuck that.

Miss Tejota and I retired to a local pub and mulled over the possibility of going again, and actually going to the club this time. I'll admit it - I'm insanely curious.

Yup, pretty curious.

There are many of us who are really into the D/s fan fiction, myself included, that it's made me want to see what it's really about. Now, I know that there are a lot of you who aren't into that sort of thing and, frankly, I think I'd just rather keep the edginess of those kinds of stories to my fantasies, but... it's there nonetheless. I want to know why so many of us are interested in it. Or what "it" really is.

And the only way to figure this out is to do a little research, even if it results in me, red-faced, as I stutter a greeting to a bunch of strangers or cowering in a diner restroom, trying to stifle the maniacal giggling that only occurs when I'm really, really nervous.

I need to know. And I want to share what I learn with y'all.

Currently, ML is extremely uncomfortable with the prospect of me going to a legitimate S&M club. I'm working on him so he'll be okay with it.

I'll keep y'all posted.

[NOTE: To anyone who has stumbled upon this post that is part of the lifestyle - I'm in no way mocking you. I'm genuinely curious. However, we try to be as honest as we possibly can, whether it's positive or negative... and always include a laugh or two. Because that's important. Especially if you're about to get a spanking.]

[NOTE: To anyone who does not agree with this lifestyle - that's cool too. We just ask that everyone be respectful.]

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I'm Beginning to Think Edward Cullen is Blind.

Since my last hideous clothing post a while back, I've noticed something a bit disturbing while reading Twilight. It appears that either Edward Cullen is blind, or he's still stuck in the 90's as far as what he deems to be a perfectly acceptable outfit. While his utter lack of taste in clothing will in no way turn me against him (he could wear a fucking leisure suit and I'd still hump his head off), I have to wonder what the fuck Stephenie Meyer was thinking of when she describes these clothes. I mean, I'm not saying I'm the snappiest fucking dresser. I like shopping about as much as I like having my finger nails pulled out with pliers, so my wardrobe tends to be a bit... boring.

Even though this jacket is about one step removed from the Member's Only jacket, I still would not kick him out of bed.

It's just the more I read this book, the more horror I feel at each passing outfit description. It's turned into somewhat of a game for me now. What hideous shit will these characters be dressed in next? Turn the page and see!

Please take out your copy of Twilight and turn to pages 318-319... Got it? Ok, let's read this passage together.
I ended up in my only skirt -- long, khaki-colored, still casual. I put on the dark blue blouse he'd once complimented. A quick glance in the mirror told me my hair was entirely impossible, so I pulled it back into a ponytail. [Dear Bella - if you took your shower in the morning like a normal person, you wouldn't be faced with impossible hair! Or how about investing in some product and, say, a straightener?]

"Okay." I bounced down the stairs. "I'm decent."

He was waiting at the foot of the stairs, closer than I'd thought, and I bounded right into him. He steadied me, holding me a careful distance away for a few seconds before suddenly pulling me closer.

"Wrong again," he murmured in my ear. "You are utterly indecent -- no one should look so tempting, it's not fair."
Um, Edward? I have a little something to ask you. Come closer... ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Bella is wearing an outfit reminiscent of Little House on the fucking Prairie. I bet she has the gah-damn blouse buttoned clear up to the top, doesn't she? Is that to deter you from wanting to sink your teeth into her neck and suck her blood dry?

Dear Long Khaki Skirt - Please be heading back to 1995 where you came from.

Please help me out. I'm so confused. How can you say that she is "utterly indecent"? My friggin grandmother wears more revealing outfits than Bella does. Or do you mean "indecent" in a holy-fuck-that-outfit-is-so-outdated-I'm-not-sure-I-can-be-seen-with-you way? Seeing as Edward immediately planted a mind-blowing kiss on Bella whilst she was wearing said outfit, I'm thinking he means "indecent" in a I-can't-wait-to-get-you-up-to-my-room-and-naked way. Well, if that's the consequence for wearing stupid clothes, let me see if I can dig up an old pair of acid-washed jeans and some hair scrunchies. Would that compel you to kiss me like that, Edward? Would it??!

Even though you can't see her whole outfit, I promise you it's NOT a fugly skirt.

I've always said how I was pissed that she didn't at least wear a blue top when she visited the Cullen house the first time. Well guess what? I've changed my mind. I'm so incredibly glad the wardrobe people did not follow the book as a guideline for dressing these poor characters. I'm not saying they did a fantastic job or anything - fuck, you've seen New Moon {{throws up in mouth a little}}, but I think they did better than Stephenie did.

If there's one liberty they took when adapting the book for the big screen, I'll have to agree that clothing, while not always the best, works waaaaaaaaay better than the descriptions of the disastrous outfits in the book. And I especially want to thank whoever the fuck was responsible for Edward's intro outfit in the cafeteria... an image that still makes my breath catch.

Makes me drool on myself like a complete idiot... *le sigh*

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Osa Bella - Chapter 28 "Graduation" [Twilight FanFiction]

Oh yeah, super surprise sneak attack of the OB right here, right now, just in time for your late night Saturday, ya'll!  I am pleased to FINALLY get us all to graduation, and honestly? If you had the whole story in one shot, it wouldn't take weeks to read a few days worth of action, which to me feels a little weird, but hopefully a few of you will go back and re-read this after the whole thing is said and done and will be like, yeah, that moves pretty quick. But anyway.

Some of you are wondering when this will end. I can't promise, but I think it will actually wrap when we're all in FFFOOORRKKKSS and those of you not counting down to that trip, that's 9/30-10/3/10. And I cannot tell you how fuckawesome it will be to be with a bunch of you when this story ends. Like uberly, totally, phenomenally awesome.  We have about six chapters left (I say about, since every once in awhile an extra chapter gets written).

Those of you in on the Team Osa Bella FGB Edward Point of View outtake? I am very sorry that I haven't done that yet. I've got the choice to delay ending this (which will make Mr. Myg lose his shit, honestly) in order to take some time to write an EPOV, or to write the EPOV later, when this wraps. If you all have strong feelings either way, I am open to hearing them. Let me know in the comments! The only thing is, if you want the EPOV early, you won't have the whole story to choose from, but I can give you some ideas of what chapters would make for good reads from Edward's point of view.

Anyway, when we last left Osa Bella, we found out that Carlisle was pretty pissed at Jake for staking out the Cullen house, so he called in some reinforcements, just in case. And then we learned, again, that Charlie Swan KICKS SERIOUS ASS. He, of course, already knew about the Cullens, and once he was convinced of the nature of Edward's character, he just dealt with the fact that his daughter was marrying a vampire, because she is thirty, god damn it, and she can marry who she wants. It doesn't change anything. She will always be his daughter.

And this is truth. Charlie Swan is modeled after SM's Charlie, yes, but mostly he's modeled after my own dear Papa Myg. He did teach me to drive when I was 13, and if I went to him and said, "Dad, Mr. Myg is really a vampire. A good vampire, but still, he's a vampire," he'd probably give me a long hard look and go, "Sometimes I don't understand you, Myg, but no matter what, you're my daughter and I've got your back."

Here's your .pdf, ficsters.

See you all in the comments.



Edward and I returned to my little house on K Street. I gathered the important things. Papers. Photos. My wedding album.  My diaries going all the way back to sixth grade. These I put into a box that would go to the house in Kalaloch until we returned. I put my favorite band t-shirts, shoes, jeans, and sweaters into a large duffle bag. These I'd take with me. When he was in the other room I hid my vintage yard sale prom dress all the way at the bottom of the bag. This I'd wear for our wedding.

Edward went around the house, locking windows, emptying the refrigerator, and taking out the garbage. I sat on my bed and pulled a pillow into my chest, thinking. Thanks for holding me these last few years, I said silently to the house. You were a great little nest but I'm happy to tell you, I'm not going to miss you.

I changed into my black power suit. This was the one I wore when I needed to kick ass. It was the suit that told the world, don't fuck with her. First impressions go a long way, I thought, even with someone who knew me as well as Jake. He needed to know I meant business tonight and would suffer no bullshit.

Edward came into my bedroom as I was looking in the mirror fixing my hair. He walked up and kissed the back of my neck. "I hate to say this, but you should take that off," he said, looking at my engagement ring. "At least until after graduation."

"I hate this whole hiding thing."

"I'm sorry, Bella. It's just how it is. Wear this instead, okay?" He picked up the bear fetish from my dresser and fastened it around my neck. I took my ring off and then held it gently, admiring it for a minute before slipping it into my pocket.

"We're going to need a bigger house," I said.

He smiled. "I'll build you any house you can dream of."

"I want a big storybook house with secret passages and crooked staircases and hidden rooms. A house you can get lost in."

"Consider it done. Now you just have to tell me where."

"By the sea, somewhere Charlie can drive to see me within a day."

"Sounds perfect."

I turned around and kissed him. "I love you," I said.

"I love you, too."

"Edward, I'm nervous."

"I know you are, sweetheart," he said, pulling me close. "What do you think? Should we run? Say the word and I'll take you to Reckoner right now."

"You would do that for me?"

"I would do anything for you. You know that."

"Even defy Carlisle?"

"Yes of course," he said. "Bella, I'd defy heaven and hell for you."

"I don't want to run," I said, feeling calmer. As much as I dreaded facing Jake, I knew it would be much worse to avoid him. My history with him, with his family, made me feel as though I owed him that much. "Running won't resolve anything."

"I agree," Edward said, and leaned in to give me a soft kiss. I kept my face close to his, my eyes half closed as I let myself linger, taking in his scent.

"I love when you kiss me," I said. "It makes me forget the whole world."

"I love kissing you." He lifted me up and sat me on the dresser. Then he kissed me again, very gently on the lips, and then again, first the upper lip, then the lower, then slipping his tongue into my mouth as my lips parted. We kissed like that for minutes, disappearing inside the space a good kiss makes. "You are the whole world to me, Bella," he said. "Never forget that."


The first person I saw at graduation was Red, chatting with my father on the edge of the parking lot. I looked briefly toward the school roof, where Edward stayed out of sight.

"Don't know how you did it, Chief," Red was saying, "but I knew you'd get a handle on the bears. I'm just glad you got it under control before today. Makes my life much easier."

"They shouldn't be a problem now," Charlie said.

"Looking sharp, Miss Swan," Red said as I approached them. Charlie nodded in approval and gave me a small smile.

"Thanks for being a great boss," I said to Red, shaking his hand. "I'll miss you."

Red put his arm around me and gave me a friendly squeeze around the shoulders. "I'll miss you too, Bella. Glad you came out. The kids are looking for you."

Over in the crowd of giddy seniors I saw Mike Newton, looking brighter, if subdued. Paige, Angela, Erik, and Jessica were all hanging out with him, talking animatedly, probably about whatever graduation party was planned for later in the evening. When they saw me they waved me over, and when I got there, Mike gave me a hug.

"I'm so glad you're here," I said to him.

"Me too," Mike said. "Thanks for being there for me these last four years, Miss Swan. I don't know what I would have done without you."

"It was my pleasure," I said, my eyes tearing up a little. I used to love my work with kids, but that all changed after I thought, incorrectly, that I'd fallen in love with one of them. Knowing the truth now was incredible relief, and I felt more relaxed around my students than I had all year. "You're a great human being, Mike Newton," I said. "I know you're going to do very well. Just trust yourself, you know? You've got a lot of important insight into things."

Mike looked at me curiously. "You really think so?"

"I know so. You pick up on things that the rest of us can't see. I want you to take very good care of yourself so you don't get depressed again. Will you do this?"

"I'll try," he said.

"You'd better," Paige said, squeezing his hand. So they'd finally gotten together. Good for them. The look on Jessica's face didn't register any kind of regret or jealousy. More relief, than anything.

"The Cullens are here," Angela said, looking at Mike for a reaction, who was more guarded than anything else.

Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett walked over to where we were, very casual, as though it was two weeks ago and nothing had changed between us. Alice was the bubbliest, as she usually was, but tonight as she strode over in her cap and gown, I started to really understand her sweet, quirky pixie-like personality. According to Edward, Alice had absolutely no recollection of her human life and had always felt some part of her was missing. She seemed to always stay a kid, but not in some immature way. She was just eternally young. Her vampire family certainly loved her—they must have to suffer through a full year of high school just to give her an experience she'd always wanted. "I loved English, art, gym, and the dances," Alice told us after it was all over. "But I have no need to ever do that again. High school pretty much stinks as much as you all said it would."

"Congratulations on your graduation, Alice," I said as she beamed at us. She gave me a quick hug.

"Thanks, Miss Swan," she said. "I'm really excited. You all have to sign my yearbook!" She handed it to me and I laughed as I considered what the hell I should write.

"How is Edward?" Paige asked.

"He's okay," Emmett said. "He says congratulations to everyone."

"What happened to him?" Mike asked, without a tinge of hostility. "Is he in Alaska now? That's what everybody is saying—he freaked out, too, and got sent away."

"He'll be all right," Jasper said.

"Tell him I said good luck," Paige said. "Hope he gets into Dartmouth someday."

"Tell him I said goodbye," Angela said. "Actually, can you give him my email address at Stanford? I want to stay in touch."

"Mine too," Erik said.

And so all of the Thoreau club kids took turns signing Alice's yearbook and wrote down their email addresses for the Cullens to give to Edward, even Mike. My heart swelled, thinking of how much the kids really did love Edward and then again as I recalled, now in the proper context, how generous he had been with his attention and patience with each of them.

"I hear Mr. Banner is going to move back to Portland," Mike said sadly.

"I hadn't heard that," I said, feeling my stomach knot with guilt. "I've been out of town the last few days."

 "I still can't believe after studying the bears all year long he got attacked by one," Erik said. "It's so unfair."

"He's going to be okay," Alice said. I was very relieved to hear this. "He's going to love Portland."

"He's from there," I said.

"This place just won't be the same without you and Mr. Banner," Paige said. "I guess that's the end of the Thoreau Club for good."

"Maybe another teacher will pick it up," I said. "I still think it was a great idea."

"I loved it," Angela said. "Way better than French Club."

A sudden chill went through me, something carried on the air, though it wasn't a scent. More like an electric current.

"It's Jacob Black!" Mike said. "Did you know Jacob and the Quileute tribal elders were coming, Miss Swan?"

"Yes," I said, taming the pitch in my voice. "I heard about that."

"We're going to go line up with the class," Alice said, a slight nod to me, as if to say, stay cool, Bella. "See you after I'm a high school graduate!" And then the Cullens turned and walked away like they were on a red carpet, which was the way they always walked, now that I noticed it.

Jake crossed the parking lot to where we all stood chatting. As our eyes met I could feel every hair on my body bristling like a cat spying a pit bull.

"Congratulations," Jake said.

"Thanks for being here," Mike said, shaking Jake's hand. "That's great of you guys to come."

"Come out to La Push this summer and we'll talk," Jake said. "We've got a specialist in indigenous dialects coming to talk to us about the Ani Tsa gu hi."

"I'd love that," Mike said. "Very cool."

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time to help Jake find the post-doc, someone who might be able to speak with the old man out at La Push. But now that I knew Jake might be able to communicate with the bears and learn about Edward killing the kermode, or Jasper killing one of their tribe, I worried.

"Hello, Miss Swan." Jake's voice was guarded, even as he smiled at me.

"Hey, Mr. Black," I said, trying to keep my tone light. "Thanks for coming to see the young Thoreauvians do the pomp and circumstance."

"I'm sorry about Mr. Banner," Jake said, turning his attention back to the kids. "I hope he's going to be okay."

"Me too," Erik said. "He's my favorite teacher."

At that point, Red walked over and corralled the kids back into line to get ready to begin the processional.

"Miss Swan, time to get started."

"Be right there," I said as the kids scampered off happily to join the rest of the graduating class. As soon as they were gone, Jake pulled me into a quick hug. "Are you okay?" he whispered in my ear.

"Of course," I said. I hugged him and then pushed away, cowering just a little as his eyes scoured me for any evidence of harm. "I'm perfectly fine. Better than fine. We'll talk all about it after the ceremony, okay?"

He nodded at me and over his shoulder I could see Carlisle, Esme, and Billy speaking, postures polite but guarded, voices in low tones. Carlisle looked over to where we stood and gave me the slightest acknowledgement. I half expected my phone to start buzzing in my pocket, but whatever Edward might be hearing, seeing or picking up telepathically wasn't enough for him to call. Good. Maybe this would go more easily than I thought.

"We'd like to honor Derek Banner as Forks High School's Teacher of the Year for the fifth year running," Red announced at the beginning of the speeches, right after all the seniors had walked into the auditorium and taken their seats. "For his dedication to the betterment of our students, for the extra effort he puts into every endeavor, and for his unwavering commitment to the Forks High School Community. This year's vote was unanimous. Most of us are aware of Mr. Banner's tragic incident with a bear this week. While he's recovering we send him our well wishes and prayers."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat in the faculty section of the auditorium. I felt terrible and I know Edward did as well, because he'd managed to pick up all of the uncovered costs of his hospital stay, and then Carlisle made a few other phone calls and got Derek a bed at one of the premier physical rehabs in Portland.  Derek would leave Monday, and I would never see him again.

As valedictorian, Angela gave the speech on behalf of the seniors, a lovely reprisal of one of my favorite Thoreau Club debates.

"Classmates, we begin our adult lives during a time of great uncertainty. The world economy is in trouble. Our country is at war and has been for most of my childhood, and the very planet we live on is changing in ways we still don't understand. These are events that can color our future bleak and oppressive.

"Or I think we can choose to see these times, and ourselves, in a different light. We can open our minds and our hearts to the challenges before us and see them as doorways to new realities, futures where our aspirations, our dreams prevail. The challenges we face can break us, or they can transform us. Our hope lies in finding the opportunities that adversity presents, and in believing that at our core, we have the strength to evolve into the human beings we want to become."

I cried a little listening to Angela's speech, remembering the intense conversations about those ideas we'd had over the year. I felt gratified seeing the mark those discussions had made on her outlook, and my own. I fumbled in my pocket for a tissue and felt the engagement ring between my fingers and held it. And the tears stopped.

In the post-commencement high, there were a few more tears, more hugs to students and staff. And then I was pretty much done saying goodbye to Forks High School.

"Great speech," Edward sent as a text message. I knew he'd like it. He always liked Angela. I called him.

"I'm going to find Jacob and get this over with," I said. "Did you read his mind?"

"He's fucking with me," Edward said, irritated.

"What do you mean?"

"He spent the entire graduation picturing you naked."

"God, what an asshole."


"Don't take the bait."

"I'm not," he said. "But it's not only infuriating, it's distracting as hell."

"Let me get this over with. I'll call you back, okay?"

"Okay," he said. "But I'm telling you right now, the next time I have Jacob Black away from human witnesses, I will be kicking his ass."

"Fine by me."

I walked out to the parking lot, over to the edge of the woods where Jake stood leering at me. I glared my most evil glare, which only caused him to smirk. Over by the picnic tables, the same tables where I'd had the strange encounter with Edward a week and a half before, Esme and Carlisle stood talking to Billy Black again. Carlisle gave me a nod.

"Are they settling the treaty then?" I asked Jake.

"No," he said. "Not until you and I talk, and I'm not talking to you where Edward can read my mind."

"He isn't here."

"Do you think I'm stupid, Bella? Really?"

"Shit." My phone buzzed again and I pulled it out of my bag.

"Put Jacob on," Edward said, and though I was reluctant, I did.

"I know who's out at your place," Jacob said. "But it doesn't matter, we still outnumber you… Well, your little gathering has drawn a lot of bears out in the last few days. I wouldn't doubt they'd be easily persuaded to rid the peninsula of you and all your kind."

"Please, Jake," I said. "Don't be a dick."

"The deal was I get to speak to her alone, without your interference. You agreed to that, right? Or are you afraid she'll come to her senses if you let her off her chain for a little while?"

"Stop it," I said, trying to grab the phone from him, and our slight altercation did not go unnoticed by Charlie, who walked quickly to where we stood. On seeing him, Jake handed me the phone.

"Don't be afraid of Jacob," Edward said. "He's just trying to manipulate you."

"I'm not afraid," I said. "But this is ridiculous."

"Is there a problem, Bella?" Charlie asked me, eyeing Jacob.

"No problem," Jake said. "We were just talking."

"I didn't ask you."

"No, Dad," I said, glaring at Jake. "But stick close by just in case."

"Since when do you let a guy tell you what to do?" Jake said, challenging me in front of my father.

"I'm not letting anyone tell me what to do," I said.

"Bullshit," Jake hissed, trying to keep his voice on the low side, but his anger fueled the heated delivery of his words. Carlisle gave us a sharp look and then I saw him answer his phone. Edward, no doubt. "The agreement was that you and I speak alone," Jake continued. "Until you come speak to me where Edward can't interfere, there's not going to be a treaty."

"Keep it down, Jake," Charlie said. "Or this discussion is going to be over."

"You have to re-establish a treaty," I said. "I don't want any problems between the Quileute and the Cullens, Jake. Not because of me."

"It's not about you, Bella," Jake said. "It's about them not keeping their word. Edward bit you and he broke the treaty. He isn't trustworthy. And now you're not being trustworthy either."

"That isn't true," I said.

"Why won't you come talk to me where he can't follow?"

"I don't want any trouble," I said.

"Who is going to give you trouble? Edward? The Cullens? Because if they do, I'll take care of them. Say the word."

"No, that isn't it."

"What is it?"

"I'm afraid you'll keep me from him."

"How am I going to do that? Please tell me, because if there's a way, I want to know what it is." I let out a big sigh and he took my hand in his.

"I need to check something." I took out my phone and called Edward.

"Here's the deal," Edward said. "Back at La Push, Sue, Leah, and Seth Clearwater are all waiting to talk to you with Jacob and Billy Black. They are staging an intervention." He paused, clearly annoyed. "They think your addicted to me."

"You're kidding," I said.

"Charlie doesn't know about it," Edward said. "They want to warn you about losing your eternal soul. And Jake wants to convince you to leave me for him. He's not going to agree to any treaty until he talks to you at La Push."

"Son of a bitch," I said. "I can't believe this." I gave Jake a dirty look. "Is he going to agree to a treaty if it doesn't work?"

"Yes," Jake said. "As long as I get the chance to make my case."

"He's telling the truth," Edward said. "I wish I could tell you he wasn't."

"Is he going to try to keep me against my will?" Jake rolled his eyes.

"He'd better not," Charlie said.

"No, not that I can tell," Edward said. "But if he does, he will be very, very sorry."

"What does Alice see?" I asked.

"She can't see anything," he said. "What does your gut tell you to do?"


"Okay, I'll be right there."

"No, wait," I said, looking over to the place where Carlisle stood by Billy and Esme. Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie were near them but off to the side, watching as I mulled over what to do. "Why can't you just agree to a new treaty?" I asked Jake. "Why are you being so difficult?"

"I won't abide a treaty where their kind is seducing my people into their world under my nose, behind my back, that's why. For all I know they'll use us like a herd and feed my tribe to their party guests."

"That is such bullshit."

"How do I know that?" he said. "I never expected them to target you— especially when Edward knows how I feel about you."

One thing was certain. We needed to take the conversation out of the Forks High School Parking lot.

"What about all the bears at La Push?" I asked. "Derek just got attacked. What if they attack me, too?"

"Do you really think I'm going to let a bear anywhere near you on my reservation?" Jake said. "You are one of us and we are protecting them right now. They know they'd be hunted out of the area without us. They will never hurt you."

"It makes me nervous."

"You're a lot less safe around all those vampires out at the Cullens, trust me," he said.

"I'll go with you," Charlie said.

If a trip to La Push could put things right between the Cullens and the Quileute again, and if Edward hadn't read any devious intent in Jacob's mind, then there wasn't much reason to refuse. "I'm going to La Push," I said on the phone to Edward. "If you don't hear from me in an hour, come get me."

"He can't come on our land," Jacob said.

"He knows that will never stop me," Edward said.


Charlie drove me to La Push. The urge to tell him to turn the car around and forget this whole silly family meeting nonsense was nearly overwhelming, but I ignored it. I wouldn't be able to leave in peace with Edward without knowing that the Cullens were safe from the Quileute and that the Quileute were safe from the Cullens' vampire party. Jake wouldn't try anything stupid with Charlie there, and in my heart I didn't believe Jake would ever allow any harm to come to me. However angry or upset he was, he was still Jake. He was still one of my closest friends.

I got out of the car and walked towards the Black's porch, where the old Indian man was sitting. When he saw me he leapt over the railing and ran to me, more like a young athlete than an aging wanderer. Jake helped Billy out of his car and then jogged over to where we stood, surprised by the old man's behavior.

"He likes you, Bella," Billy said. "You haven't met him before, have you?"

"No, I haven't been here in months," I said. Something about the old guy made me soft. He felt like some old sage. The old man leaned his face close into mine and touched his forehead to my own, holding me by the shoulders. He lifted the bear fetish from my chest, holding it in his fingers and muttering something I could not comprehend. Jake gently pulled him away from me.

"That's enough, grandpa," Jake said.

"He's one of them, right?" I asked.

"Yes," Billy said. "An elder."

"He's got to be centuries old," Jake said. "He's phased back and now he can't or won't go back into bear form. We'll know a lot more tomorrow after Anna Marie gets here."

I shook his hand then, and he held it to his face, held his own weathered, wrinkled hand over it and smiled, tears in his eyes. Then he turned and hugged Jake and wandered off into the woods.

"Is that okay?" I asked. "Should we go find him?"

"He does that all the time."

"Let's get this over with," I said, waving to my extended Clearwater family, Sue, Leah and Seth, who waited on the porch. We all went into the house and sat around the Black's living room, quite a contrast from the Cullen's in its small size and with its well-worn, rustic furnishings. "First of all, I'm with Edward of my own free will. I have no idea how you expect me to prove it, but it's the truth."

"I don't believe he's controlling her," Charlie said.

Jake looked at Charlie and then back to me. "If he was enchanting you, you wouldn't have come here," Jake said. "I'll give you that."

"Well, you're not wearing your ring," Sue said. "Maybe that's a good sign."

"Ring?" Jake asked, raising his voice a little. "What ring?"

"You didn't tell Jake?" Sue asked.

"You're engaged?" Jake asked, his face beginning to turn red with anger. "Again? Already? Jesus, Bella, you don't waste any time. And I can't believe you didn't tell me—for the second time, too."

"I was going to tell you," I said, taking my engagement ring out of my pocket and slipping it on my finger. "I was waiting until we got here."

"You cannot marry Edward Cullen," Jake said. "No way."

"Yes, I can, and I will," I said.

"He's a fucking blood-sucking parasite," Jake yelled. "He has no soul, for Christ's sake!"

"That is such bullshit," I said, my face heating up with anger. "You don't know that, you can't say that."

"Everyone knows that," Leah said.

"Prove it," I said. "Prove that he has no soul. Better yet? Prove you do have one."

"Humans do not marry vampires," Billy said. "It's against the laws of nature. They are from darkness."

"No way are you marrying a fucking vampire," Jake said. "Charlie, you can't let her do this."

"The Cullens are not normal vampires," I argued. "They are not human predators. Your whole tribe knows this—you're just jealous and angry, Jake. I get it. But you know what? I am not going to be caught in the middle of your little personal crisis, okay?"

"Fuck you, Bella," Jake said, and then stormed out of the house. Charlie tensed but didn't say anything, and Billy gave me a stern look. The room fell quiet as everyone looked at me for some kind of response. But I had none.

"Bella, you can marry whoever you want," Charlie said.

"She's in over her head," Sue said. "That's all. It's not her fault."

"I'm not in over my head," I said. "You met Edward, you can see he's a loving, caring man."

"I've met the Cullens several times now," Charlie said. "They are what they are, and I don't like it. But I know one thing for certain. Ephraim Black wouldn't have cut any deals with them if they weren't worthy of it. Right, Billy?"

"I don't like it," Billy said.

"That's because Jake's in love with her and you don't want to see him hurt," Leah said.

"He should have told me," I said. "If he loved me, he sure didn't act like it."

"He thought it wasn't fair to you to be the mate of an alpha wolf," Billy said. "You'd always have to share him with the pack."

"He should have asked me," I said. "He had a lot of chances."

"I know that," Billy said.

"We all told him that," Seth said.

"All right, I'm going to go find him and talk to him," I said.

"He's in the garage," Billy said.

"How do you know?"

"That's where he always goes when he's upset."

I walked out the back door of the house towards the garage, but stopped to call Edward.

"How did it go?"

"He believes you're not controlling me, but he's not happy about the engagement."

"You didn't expect he would be, did you?"

"Not really. It just sucked."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I know you two are close."

"I'll be leaving here soon."

"Good. Come home so I can hold you."


As I hung up, I heard a sound and turned. The old man was back, his face full of light, full of peace. He looked so happy that I wished I could ask him why. The closer he came to me, the more I felt it myself. I smiled at him, a warmth spreading from my heart out to my extremities as he drew near. He took me by the hand and spun me around, like we were dancing. Then he began to laugh, exuberant in his delight, and I started to laugh too. He pulled me into another embrace, leaning his head over my own, my skull locked under his chin as his arms wrapped around my back. He pulled back from me and then I saw, over his shoulder, five bears emerge from the edge of the woods. The old man pat my hair and smiled again. I pulled out of his embrace and backed a few feet away as I saw the other bears approach us. 

"Jake?" I called, over my shoulder. "Jake! Bears!"

Then, grinning broadly, the old man phased into the most enormous bear I'd ever seen in my life. I turned to run to the garage, and saw Jake emerge from the door.

"Bella?" he said, his voice tense. "Bella run!"

Teeth grazed my back—the old man bear was grabbing me in his jaws. He lifted me right off the ground by my clothes and the fabric began to give. For a moment I thought I'd fall right out of my pants, but I didn't. Then he began galloping towards the woods with me dangling from his jaws.

"Jake! Help me! Help me!"

Charlie ran out of the house and I saw him draw his weapon.

"Let her go!" Jake yelled and leaped into the air, phasing into the big red haired wolf. He chased us, but the bear raced into the forest as fast as a vampire might. I twisted and clawed and pounded with my fists, but I could not make the bear drop me.

He carried me deeper into the woods. I could hear more bears following us and Jake snarling, following closely but not catching us. The bear accelerated again, faster than I would have believed possible, even for supernatural beings. Jake fell behind and when we had finally lost him, the bear dropped me.

I tried to get up and run, but he bent over me and pressed his paw gently to my throat, pinning me to the ground. I flailed as he held me there, but he didn't let up. He pressed harder and I began to get lightheaded, feeling the weight of him over me, the darkness encasing me, the smell of his fur, ancient earth. 

Then it all went black.