Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Bloggess is a LOOOOSER. And She's Watching You. Maybe.

So you may have heard that I kinda happened across a scratch-off lottery ticket that looked kinda like The Bloggess but it was really Judy Garland but by the time I figured that out I was already 110% committed (i.e. $12 worth) to using it to stalk the Bloggess at BlogHer. And I did.

Private Dick Snarkier is on the job: Jenny the Bloggess is in the building (and maybe drinks Starbucks iced coffee).

I knew we'd meet up eventually - I was going to the session "Where's the Line or the Lie: Storytelling, Memoir and Poetic License" and she was on the panel, so it was kinda a bloggy-stalking dream come true. During the panel, I learned all sort of stuff! Like she was born a poor black child and that her husband is Native American and his name is not really Victor, it's Runs with Crazy Chick. OK I made that up, because the Bloggess aka Jenny [probably not her real name] says it's ok to make shit up. Er, fine, fine - she didn't say that. At all. In fact, she keeps things ridiculously 99.9% close-to-true-fact on her blog.

All that over-the-top shit that happens to her and the stuff she says to people both online and in person that you probably think she is embellished in the retelling for the sake of humor? Nope. I'm here to tell you that she's reporting things as they actually happened. Yes, she really told Padma what's-her-name from the foody channel at the Hillshire Farms sandwich-off thingy that she feeds her diabetic child chocolate sandwich-stew. And then she blasted whip cream into her mouth to staunch the flow of verbal diarrhea. Well played, Bloggess. If you'd offered me a whippet, I would have gladly accepted.

So after the BlogHer session wrapped up (there was much laughing and clapping and I wish someone had recorded the entire thing or that there was at least a transcript) I swarmed the stage along with about half the other people in the room because, you know, she really likes that. I was packing a card with the scratch-off ticket and a Twitarded button. Sadly, the ticket wasn't a winner. But I'd take the chance to chat for a second over a $2 win any day. And thankfully it wasn't a 30k winner because I plan on blogging for a long time and it would suck to get blacklisted from the blogosphere for decking the Bloggess, wrenching the winning ticket out of her hands, and fleeing the premises. So there's that. Look on the sunny side, that's what I always say. Starting now.

Even the Confidence Ponytail was not strong enough to make this ticket a winner.

In addition to the panel, we were lucky enough to hang out with Jenny the Bloggess (or "JB" as me and a few other close, close confidants call her) later that night at the Eden Fantasys party. And you know what? She's totally cool and easy to chill out with in person, just like she is on her blog. There's no disconnect; her voice is what it is. Snarky, self-deprecating, full of integrity, and piss-yourself-laughing funny. Plus she has the world's tiniest telescope on a necklace and she's totally watching everything, all the time. No wonder she's always so freaked out about stuff - being omniscient is rough.

Plus she is a total Twitard. I'm already looking forward to stalking hiding in the bathroom and drinking with catching up with her at BlogHer 2011 in San Diego! Hope we see some of you there, too...

Oh noes, Edward - don't bite me! Please, just take my condom earrings and go!

P.S. All of my pictures are blurry because apparently I wasn't able to stop trembling uncontrollably the entire time I was at BlogHer. I need stronger drugs.


  1. Okay, so Latchkey Wife is totally getting a restraining order from RPattz and it appears that STY may or may not be working her way up to a restraining order from The Bloggess.

    So, who's next??

    Oh shit. That would be me. Hmmmm.

  2. Uh yeah about that... You may have to sell your house and move because I think after you are served it will be illegal for you to be within a one-mile radius of me. Sorry bb.

  3. I can say anything I want about my girlfriend's mom as long as it's not true.

  4. I'm loving the condom earrings!

    Will it be weird like this for all of us when we get to Forks?? 'Cause you know we're going just so we can meet you, J J, & LKW!

    Baby Jeebus! Really I'm so excited about meeting all of you twatwaffles who comment too! I can't wait! It's gonna' be epic!

    WV: syster Yes. Yes indeed.

  5. @Rugbymom - I was totally content stalking the Bloggess and she seemed ok with it, too, so I don't see any issues whatsoever with Forks - lol!

    : )

    p.s. ok i am a little socially awkward and a tad nervous but i love you guys and can't wait to meet you all face-to-face!

  6. Well I'm glad you were able to meet her and I'm sure at BlogHer '11 you will hang out with her, by her request and not via your stalking - HA!

  7. I could read the caption before the picture loaded, and I was totally concerned that I was about to see USED condom earrings, because that's where my mind goes, obviously. So, I'm feeling quite relieved.

    We all know a thing or two about blog crushes. Glad to see your minor stalking turned out well for all involved.

  8. You are completely fabulous and I would have at least split the lottery winnings but I never win because I have ridiculously horrible luck. Honestly, I totally jinxed your winnings. I owe you $2.

  9. I'm such a freaking fan-girl (i just actually typed "fang-girl" which also has a nice ring to it but isn't really what i meant here) that there may have been an audible "SQUEEE!!!" involved when I read the comments this morning.

    happy monday! last night i dreamed i had cancer AND i was waiting tables again (seriously - WTF, subconscious?!) so this was a very welcomed moment.

    : )


    And STY, don't worry about the social awkwardness. I tend to word vomit when I'm nervous, which I will obviously be to meet you and JJ and LKW, so I will be the one who can't stop talking about inappropriate stuff and creepily stalking the three of you, while clinging to Toefunny and holding up a stick figure to stand in for Hypo. That twat.


    Happy Monday! May you dream of the Precious and being BFF with The Bloggess :)

  11. I think the only proper thing now is for Jenny Jerkface to HAVE a stalker as opposed to being the stalker...

    I'm pretty sure any blog post that begins with digging through trash is automatically logged with police officials for stalking purposes.

  12. still looking for my vampAugust 16, 2010 at 12:12 PM


    I puffy heart The Bloggess so much, and I am sooooo envious that you met her! I may go to Blogher in SD next year to her, JJ and you, even though I don't have a blog.

    I will be looking for my own three restraining orders.

  13. I totally knew The Bloggess would be awesome. Posing with pocket edward - FREAKING EPIC!

  14. @STY, you need to stop eating pizza and other gluten things before bed. Those dreams SUCK.

    @Jenny, The Bloggess I agree with you, SnarkierThanYou is one fabulous human being, and her cuddly sidekick Jenny Jerkface is pretty danged adorable, to boot. And let us not forget Latch Key Wife, who has the balls to say such things in public as to make a porn star blush. This Twitarded blog is the shit and I love it and all the women here. And also, how are you so fucking funny every day? I think that's supernatural, but I do appreciate it.

    To the rest of you I say, FFFFOOORRRRKKKSSSSSS! Holy Jesus Mother Fucking Hamster Fucker! It's like a month and a half away!

  15. @JJ, STY and LKW - I think you should have a meet-and-greet table at FORKS (like the Twi conventions) where we can stand in line for ages and get a quick two minutes to speak with each of you.
    Photos will cost extra.

  16. Totally happy u met the Bloggess! I really hope no restraining orders come from this meeting :P
    Also I'm happy to see Mini-E in the pics. I miss him when he isn't around.

    Also I am celebrating now that I am officially 100% up2date reading the Twitarded blog. As you know I went back to your very first post and have been reading from there the past couple of weeks. I've now finished! And I think I'm totally in love with everyone here even if no one knows me. From You, JJ, LKW and all the commentors. Sometimes the comments are as funny as the posts and I usually spend a good half hour reading the comments.
    I hope you keep this blog going for a very long time and I'll continue to read all your posts

  17. @Jenny, The Bloggess. You rock. And I'm sure STY didn't really mean to call you a loser. Sometimes when she gets all giddy about something, she says shit she doesn't really mean.


Comments are our life now. Leave one!