Friday, August 6, 2010

Come Out to Play with Us RPattz! It'll Be Fun!

Dear Rob,

I'm not sure if you're a regular reader of Twitarded, but if you are, I thought I would take this opportunity (while the bosses are away) to reach out to you. I think you'll see that I'm not really the crazy stalker you've been brainwashed to think I am. That is just a really horrible rumor. I would never do anything to put you in harm's way. If anything, I think lately I've talked more of keeping you out of harm's way (and performing sexual favors too but that's besides the point.) That should count for something. Right?

I saw a video of you recently. It was kind of a cool video because even with your ridiculous global success, you were able to play some music in London without being torn limb from limb by rabid fans. I really don't have any idea what this Songs From a Room thing is all about because unfortunately I'm not really that smart when it comes to that sort of shit, but if you're offering to play in just any room, I think I have one you may like. It's called my bedroom. (Oooops, did I say that out loud?)



After watching this video, I realized something... I think I hate you. I hate you for making me ruin multiple pairs of panties. I hate you for making me feel like a dirty old woman for the illegal things I'd like to do to you. I hate you for making me constantly wonder about the size of your cock. I hate you for making me want you so bad.

But I think I've come up with a way for you to get back in my good graces. A way for me to stop hating you... I'm not really sure if this whole Songs From a Room is strictly a London thingy, but if you wanna take this show on the road I have just the stop for you. Mark your calendar for September 30th through October 3rd, 2010, pack up your guitar and stuff, and head on out to Forks!

Why Forks you ask? Well it just so happens that {{cough, cough}} a couple of us fans will be taking a little vacation and think it would be really cool for you to come play at the Twilight Lounge for us. Or if that's too scary, with too many people, a nice private show in our suite will do just fine. There will be other activities for you to participate in also but that's a surprise so you'll find out about those when you arrive. Just come rested.

And don't worry about accommodations, VitaminR and I have an extra bed for you in our suite. And by extra bed, I mean you'll be sharing with one of us. I promise we don't bite. Well, not hard anyway... I almost never break the skin.

So what do you think? You'll probably be on your way to film Breaking Dawn anyway - why not stop in and say 'hi' - give a couple of us older women a thrill. We'll definitely make it, ahem, worth your while.

Love,
Latchkey Wife
xoxo

PS. If you come looking like this, I will bite you. Hard. And I will break the skin... but I think you'll like it.

Is there such a thing as too much of this photo?

26 comments:

  1. I feel your pain...I really do. And so does my underwear drawer.

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  2. Mmmmm yes Rob come to forks it will be worth your while. Life changing even.

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  3. Muahh haa haaaa! Love you, LKW! Run away with the keys to the Twitarded castle, girlfriend. Run!!!

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  4. mmmm..no there is no such thing as too much of that photo....I think I may have to have that photo on my borthday cake...
    Also, I feel your pain - that achy pain low low down that means you need to shift your legs together just to think about something else but then of course that doesnt work and then it's Rob again....that voice...those fingers, dammit......yeah I feel you lol

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  5. LOOK HOW BIG HIS SHOES ARE? If what they say about shoe size is true, um, I think I'm developing a shoe fetish. Like the porn kinda fetish.

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  6. Rob, close your eyes and roll them into the back of your head. Listen to the sound of my voice. You're feeling very relaxed right now. Let your body float away from you and just relax. Keep breathing deeply, slowly. That's good. When you open your eyes you'll have an overwhelming desire to go to Forks, Washington. You won't want to go just anytime though. You'll feel a need to go September 30th through October 3rd, 2010. Ok, now slowly open your eyes. Goooooood. Goooooood.

    There,Forksy ladies. I've done my part. Just be good *wink* to him while he's there and be sure to share all of the lovely deets with all of us losers, er - winners (whiners??) staying at home that weekend.

    Nice blog, LKW!!!

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  7. LKW you work those keys, girlfriend!

    And Rob, when you're done in Forks, I know a few people downunder who would make you very welcome...

    There was a rumour you were coming to NZ sometime to film a movie, you can always sleep on my *couch* ;)

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  8. That has to be my favorite Rob picture!!!

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  9. OMG LKW "I promise we don't bite. Well, not hard anyway... I almost never break the skin." LOL!!

    If that doesn't get him to Forks I dont know what will oh wait maybe "If you come looking like this, I will bite you. Hard. And I will break the skin... but I think you'll like it." and I'd bet he will come looking like that pic.

    Although if he showed up I'd be disappointed bc I wont be there :(

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  10. You're so dirty, I think I wanna do you, LKW.
    Love this...along with every filthy thing that comes outta your mouth!

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  11. Dear Beautiful,

    My buddy Fred is letting me use his Google account just to let you know that I love horny housewives.

    All my love,

    Rob

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  12. Come out, come out wherever you are! The Forks Motel has great acoustics I hear.

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  13. Could you imagine poor RPattz in Foooooorks?? It would be insane. And possibly frightening. For him, not us.

    Sometimes I feel like such a jerk for drooling over him like I do.

    But most of the time I just want to lick him.

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  14. As if the video of Scruffy Rob singing, wearing the fucking beanie, and stroking his *ahem* guitar weren't enough, you posted it along with my favorite VF pic. True story. I have that picture in a magnetic frame right next to pictures of my family and my dog at work. I may or may not have slid my family pictures over to make room for it ;)

    And if Rob came with us (she said that) to FORKS, they would need a lot of body bags to ship us back home in. Just sayin'.

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  15. no. there is never enuff of that photo. never. ever. ever. please post it with every blog you do.

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  16. This invitation simultaneously makes my ovaries tremble with delight and terrifies the hell out of me.

    I think it is general knowledge that we would show him a damned fine time..and by fine time I mean plenty of booze, ciggies, rapt audience to listen to his crooning and a very long line of ladies (and yes I use that term loosely) willing and able to attend to any and all needs that may *cough* arise *cough*. It would be a memorable weekend for him to be sure.

    and yet..

    the idea of poor Rob coming face to face with a town full of Twitards and all of our h00rish ways makes me feel just a wee bit bad for him. He'd need a bully stick to fight us all off. JS.

    But Rob, if you happen to be considering LKW's fine invitation, we would love to have you join us. While I can't promise you protection from the h00rs,(or from being bitten by LKW), I can promise you that we would defend you with our naked trembling bodies if need be from the paps.

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  17. Phwoooaarrrr! can never get enough of that pic, makes my bits twitch. Essential daily viewing I say.

    Rob if you're reading this,'I wanna do bad things with you'. Really, I do!

    Deliciously hot @ LKW -'I will bite you. Hard. And I will break the skin... but I think you'll like it'.

    Mmm mmmmm, love ya LKW!

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  18. Oh, LKW, fellow Maine woman, that last one is one of my fav pix of Rob too. Such a funny post, girlie. Goddamn, if he ever discovers this blog. . . .

    Elle207

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  19. Rob,just in case LKW and Company weren't perfectly clear: they will let you do things to them that KStew would NEVER let you do. She is such a prissy twat, and waaay too young to know how to really, really, really please a man. LKW has *been around the block once, or thrice*. She knows all the, ahem, tricks.

    Somebody better hire a video expert to film the porn-documentary: Foooooorks: Embedded Twitards Riot for Rob!

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  20. What is it about that damned photo? It never ceases to make me feel like Rob just rolled out of my bed, and I stand there wrapped in nothing but a sheet saying goodbye. Or, more likely, don't go.
    Bruce Weber is an effin genius. Also responsible for the one of Rob IN the white sheets. Sigh.

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  21. I second Adonica's suggestion to hire a camera man. It's a necessary part of this little side trip... just in case, you know?

    RPatz just doesn't (yet) realize how much an older woman could teach him... and I know someone in San Diego (well, actually my neighborhood... or more specifically my house) would would be more than willing to show him. My fabulous hubby told me that celebrities are "freebies". I'm sure he said it because he realizes it will never happen, but I'd like to ignore that point.

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  22. Thanks for this most excellent post! Loved it from start to finish! Something about him singing and playing guitar gives my twat a case of the tingles! Have mercy! And the pic at the end...sweet jeebus almighty! It's one of my all time faves of the fuck hot precious! Must.Change. Panties...AGAIN!

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  23. @Lila, my hub and I have the same agreement: Celebs are freebies. His is (wait for it)...Bernadette Peters!!! She is even older than I am! The man is looney.

    Mine: Well, the list goes from BB to K to J to, well, you get my drift. I dare not mention The Precious. Apparently he's taken.

    xx

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  24. I think VS should be paying Rob royalties for all the panties that need to be replaced because of him.... can you say hummmmanah hummmmanah hummmmanah?

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  25. I think VS should be paying Rob royalties for all the panties that need to be replaced because of him.... can you say hummmmanah hummmmanah hummmmanah?

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  26. What is it about that damned photo? It never ceases to make me feel like Rob just rolled out of my bed, and I stand there wrapped in nothing but a sheet saying goodbye. Or, more likely, don't go.
    Bruce Weber is an effin genius. Also responsible for the one of Rob IN the white sheets. Sigh.

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