Thursday, August 26, 2010

How This Community Has Ruined Us - The Filter Is Kaput!

I have a secret that's not really mine but I'm going to dish about it anyway. And I intended on doing this prior to this person being stuck somewhere in some blazingly hot Southern state... with no internet access. Somehow, that makes this post SO much better.

At one point in her life, Snarkier Than You actually had a filter. Sure, it was more like a thin, meshy, gauzy kind of filter but she had one nonetheless. It was more for fashion rather than function, ya know?

STY's filter pre-January 18, 2009. Pretty, but powerless against fuck-alls and twatwaffles.

That filter slowly disintegrated over the past eighteen months until it was nothing more than a vague memory of social decorum.

As you all know, nothing is sacred here at Twitarded, and this motto has apparently transferred over to pretty much every aspect of our lives. We talk about sex lives like we're discussing a really awesome (or embarrassing) movie we'd seen recently and no one blinks an eye when the topic of poop or other bodily fluids come up randomly in every day chatter. "Fuck" is more common than "the".

STY's Oh, fuck it, all of our filters now.

"Go fuck yourself" and "suck my dirty ass" are now terms of endearment that are uttered with a smile and a wink.

Take, for example, an early morning text message conversation between myself and STY. ML was away on tour so I was forced to schlep my lazy ass over a mile every morning to the train station.

It was not fun. Not in the least. I found myself snarling thinly veiled threats and curse words at cars and fellow commuters more often than usual, which is like every five seconds. Oh, and to the dickhead who whistled at me one morning as I was half-jogging down the street because I had thirty two seconds to catch the train? I totally don't regret yelling at you to drink a bowl of herpes.

Yup, my opinion regarding my commute is pretty self-explanatory.

STY, being the best BFF ever, took pity on me a few days and offered to drive me so I wouldn't show up to work looking like I just ran a marathon. She's awesome like that.

I insist that STY pick me up in style, what can I say.

Oh, and it's also physically impossible for me to, I don't know, actually get up at a reasonable hour and this resulted in me being obscenely late more often than not. I fucking hate mornings.

STY - Ma'am please let me know when to send that surly driver of yours around.
Me - God I love you. If you had a dick I'd totally suck it. Guess who woke up late again?? Give me 20, lol. Text you in a few.
STY - LMAO!!!! aaaand poopin'. Just wanted to share.
Me - Yup. Definitely love you.
STY - p.s. LMT**
Me - I'll be ready in five. And no LMT right after a poop session. Duh.
STY- Fair enough. Raincheck.

In the end, STY retrieved my late ass and deposited me at the train station, where I got out of the car, blew her a kiss and told her I loved her. All the other husbands and wives that were lined to dump their significant others off heard me.

But we didn't care.

**LMT - lick my twat.


  1. You are two are quite cute and I'm very happy that STY doesn't have a filter any longer. It makes talking the goodness of free vibrators more fun.

  2. Everyone should loose theres filters every now and then..It's not normal to keep all those female raging hormones on lock down 24/7. (It causes cancer), and makes you fat. I am currently starting to loose weight so thank you..

  3. @Double_Dippin- and I can't spell for shiz...lmao... ooopppssssiee ya'll get it.

  4. I love that you have no filter and that STY has over time, lost hers.

    Freedom of speech... plus it's a fucking Twilight blog and it belongs to the both of you, so fuck it.

    Write the word "fuck" a million times for a blog post.

    And don't change.

  5. Oh mah gawd! This could have been written about me and FatGirlSlim. Just the other day I told her "if I had a cock I would shove it in your mouth!"
    Holy fuck do I love you guys. Oh, and I'm so anti-LMT after poo

  6. I lose my filter every evening just as soon as I get in from work and start cooking dinner for my ravenous males (read: hubs and 2 teenage sons - soz!)

    It may or may not have something to do with the box of red wine on the kitchen worktop *blush*

    It helps me cope. And helps me say, "Fuck filters!!!!!!"

    Oh how I love to share my lack of filterdness with my Twisistahs :-) Keep it comin' gals! :-)

    vw: daziness wtf????????

  7. LMFAO!!!! Love you just the way you are!

    I may have the filter that stops me from saying it out loud, but don't you worry, the thoughts in my head are just as dirty and inappropriate as all of yours!


  8. The fact that filters are pretty much prohibited and nothing is sacred here is WHY I keep on comin' back bb! F U C K filters! :)

    Oh and I might be kinda sorta jealous of your shared weird sisterly bond.. yeh I'm jealous.

  9. Filter schmilter.. only works in my coffee pot..

    And thank you for adding twatwaffles to my vocab..

    Off topic - have you guys seen all the Rob Porn floating around.. specifically the fourth pic down?? Can we get an amen for short t-shirts?? sigh..

  10. I think I had a filter at one point. I think. I've always sworn a lot though. So it's hard to tell. That being said my vocab has improved (in my opinion) since finding Twitarded - I mean I got the chance to teach construction workers new words and help them discover the creative cursing books.

  11. FILTERS? WE DON'T NEED NO FUCKIN' FILTERS!! Who do you think we are? Women who don't lust after young men who look like sex walking? Women who don't use fuck in every grammatical category (I personally like it used as an infix, as in absoFUCKINGlutely)? Women who don't proudly admit their sexscapades with or without a real human?

    We are sans filter and it has made us stronger, saner, and more lovable. We found each other because we're sexy bitches who are sick of people thumbs-downing our Twi-obsession. We were lucky to to have found each other, and I am hella grateful, but was inevitable.

    I love all of you twat rockets!!

  12. @Double_Dippin What did you misspell? Whoremoans??

    Yep, filter gone. I made it through 18 years of motherhood without uttering the f-word in front of my kids. That is, until last week. King Kong #1 took a dump in MY bathroon, followed by King Kong #2 who also laid down an impressive pile o' crap which resulted in a massive flood of shit and piss all over MY newly cleaned bathroom. Not trying to win Mother of the Year at that moment, I let fly a number of expletives but proudly stopped myself at motherfucker hamsterfucker. Barely. We're all better now, and King Kongs 1 & 2 know to keep their shit to their own bathroom.

  13. Fuck, I love you guys. "Oh, and to the dickhead who whistled at me one morning as I was half-jogging down the street because I had thirty two seconds to catch the train? I totally don't regret yelling at you to drink a bowl of herpes." - I laughed at this like a hyena with my windows open and a lovely couple walking down the street peered in at my insanity. Seriously, I'm wiping the tears from my eyes, JJ.

    @Lindsay Rae - I love it- it's like an anti-filter manifesto.

    FOOOORKS ain't gonna know what hit it!

    PS: LMT

  14. Fucking hilarious! I love the fact that Twitarded is a filter free zone! LMT...that's priceless! :)

  15. Awwwww sweet bestie love. Are we caravaning to Forks in a stretch limo? Shit, we should have thought this trhough better. That would have been awesome.

  16. When I first found this blog I thought...YAY, finally a place I can be myself. I have a 4 year old and suddenly found myself surrounded by non-cursing, non-drinking women who had all only ever had sex with their husbands...well, spank my ass & call me a whore....WTF!
    So thank fuck for you wonderful ladies for giving me a forum where I can be me. My motto has become, 'if you are easily offended you should not be hanging out with me'

  17. I know this may come as a shock, but to my parent's horror, I was born with absolutely ZERO filter. Nada.

    My dad suspected the deficiency when one of my first acts at the tender age of 36 hours was to projectile shit all over a nurse.

    My first word was actually "SHIT" at the age of 16 months.

    My first after-school detention was for telling Bobby Garrett to go fuck himself in 5th grade. (So worth it, dude was a douchebag.)

    At any rate, you just can't miss when you've never had and I wanted to be one of the first to stand in support of the plight of the filterless.

    There's no treatment, no cure. Only the prospect of a life riddled with the profane and inappropriate.

    We should start a fucking support group or some shit.


  18. @ Mama Cougar - LMFUCKINGAO - I'm a counselor & volunteer to lead the 'Watch your Fucking Mouth Douchebag' support group....who's in? Any ideas for a better name for the group are welcome.

  19. @Junkie


    We'll meet at the Silver Bullet Titty Bar, Fridays at 7. I'll buy the first round of Jaeger Bombs.


  20. What is this filter you speak of?

    I'm adding LMT to my every day vocab. I'm still trying to work in twatwaffle, but it's pretty difficult when you're saying it to two dogs and a cat.

    w/v hurae - the feminine latin form of "hooray!" Apparently the interweb is happy with this blog.

  21. @ Myg- and coffee makers!

    ya. had a conversation at work today with 3 ladies about scratching our husbands balls. one of the ladies is 65!

    i will never wear elastic waistband pants, i will never stop lusting after hot young guys, and i will never watch my fucking mouth!

    saw a funny shirt recently "yes, my favorite shirt says fuck. it also says cunt, twat, and machine washable" lmao!

  22. lol having my own girls I <3 to pieces I can relate on a lot of levels. Hilarious post.

  23. Wow, it must be contagious. I only started reading your blog a couple of months ago and I was just a few days ago I was thinking "wow, I'm saying fuck so much I'm making myself sick."

    I decided to give myself a break... it's not working very well, but I'm trying.

  24. @MamaCougar - seriously in awe of your fifth grade self telling Bobby to go fuck himself. High five, twat waffle!

    I remember hearing the term "I don't give a flying fuck" in the movie "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion." It was the first rated R movie I'd ever seen and it was like an epiphany.

    Ah, those were the days!

  25. LMT... You sick bitches. ;)

    Great, now I'm depressed that I don't have a friend I can tell to LMT.

  26. As usual, you speak for all of us which is one of the reasons we love ya. I posted on the exact same subject yesterday morning.

  27. Love all you filterless hoors! I totally made "My motto has become, 'if you are easily offended you should not be hanging out with me' as my FB status. I have NO filter, and am thrilled to have a place to just fucking let shit fly. It reminds me of how a nudist must feel at their first colony or some shit. Like I finally have found THE place where I can just be my fucking REAL self. Thank fucking god!!

  28. LMFAO!! I'm very happy STY lost her filter and I'm thinking that JJ probably had EVERYTHING to do with it!

    I have never had a filter, pretty sure I was born without one. I think I've been told repeatedly by my mother that if I didn't clean up my mouth she was going to ship me off with the sailors since I was about 15. And when the asked the famous question in a job interview "What would you say your weaknesses are?" my politically correct answer is "I'm honest to a fault" which translates into "I don't know when the fuck to shut up and everything kinda spews out the minute I think it" Thank god I found a job in the trucking industry where it's pretty much a requirement that you swear and shit on people.

    So keep up the foul language, the sex talk, the views on dropping a deuce in RPattz's trailer and all the juicy fanfic cause we love it!

  29. @twilight junkie "suddenly found myself surrounded by non-cursing, non-drinking women who had all only ever had sex with their husbands...well, spank my ass & call me a whore....WTF!" Been there, often!!

    @Mama Cougar My first word was shit also!!

  30. I get you guys. Which is why I heart you so much. People have actually assumed BP Buttercream & I are a couple. Sometimes, we just let them believe it.
    I still have a filter in RL but it's getter harder & harder to use it.

  31. @JJ you may change your mind about the bowl of herpes epithet. No one blows their horn at me anymore. Jogging,walking the dog, biking,nada. Only when I'm at a stoplight, and the light turns green, and I'm, er, dreaming of, well, popsicles and turpentine.

    You two have a special relationship. I feel the love.

  32. This comment has been removed by the author.

  33. This comment has been removed by the author.

  34. This comment has been removed by the author.

  35. This comment has been removed by the author.

  36. I have now changed my FB profile status;

    'if you are easily offended you should not be hanging out with me'


  37. This comment has been removed by the author.

  38. Re. the above - Mama Cougar can verify ;-)

  39. You are lovely. Let's hope ol' RPattz reads this and thinks so too!

  40. I don't even know what a filter is...For fucks sake, if a sailor happened to stumble into a conversation between myself and a friend their jaw might drop. In fact I think I wooed my husband by my ability to use the words cunt and pancakes in the same sentence...Besides where would the world be with out all the cum guseling robsessed twilight addicted junkies? I mean I certainly would not have my blog, writing smutting fanfiction, and posting sexual comments about the sexy man beast himself and neither would you fanfuckingtastic ladies...So I say keep rocking the fuck on...and for those who can't fucking handle it, hence the posted warning for your weak sensibilities and granny panties...Huggies and squishies Crazy Kate

  41. I'm still faithfully reading, despite my lack of comments as of late...

    I just want to say, this shit is what makes me love you ladies so much:)Is that wrong?


Comments are our life now. Leave one!