Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Manly Man vs. The Mouse

If you're anything like me, you view your husband or boyfriend as the big, strong, not-scared-of-anything type that would fight off a grizzly bear with a nail file to keep you out of harm's way. Mr. Latchkey Wife is that guy. He's a total outdoorsy guy. He loves to fish and hunt - pretty much anything that includes killing innocent animals is right up his alley. He guts and butchers his own meat (why does that sound dirty) and I have a freezer full to prove it. He's a total hunter/gatherer. I guess I'm lucky he doesn't try to drag me around caveman-style by my ponytail.

Sorta like this but those bodies don't end up on display...

He likes to camp, hike, boat... he's handy and can build just about anything - from furniture to buildings to car engines. It saves us a ton of dough, that's for sure. Although, my yard is starting to look a tad like Clampett-ville with all the old trucks, tractors, building materials and general yard implements laying around. But I guess it's the price I have to pay for being married to a handyman who also has some severe pack rat tendencies.

Jeebus Jethro, will you clean up all yer crap around the yard... for cripey sakes!

So imagine my surprise the other morning at the sight I bore witness to...at 6AM. It started out like any other morning... I was lounging on the couch watching TV and trying to lower my heart rate after my morning stint on the evil torture device elliptical (oh, how I hate that thing with a fucking passion.) Mr. LKW was in the kitchen making his lunch for work... and that's when all hell broke loose!

Aaaaaaand this is what I get for googling "all hell breaks loose" - I'm gonna have nightmares now.

"HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGJESUSCHRISTWHATTHEFUCKJUSTHAPPENED??!!"

I hear this followed by the sight of my husband, flying out of the kitchen, high stepping, arms flailing, eyes bugged out of his head. I though for sure he'd encountered some sort of flesh eating beast in one of the cupboards. I expected to see that one of his arms had been gnawed off just below the elbow or something.
ME: "What the fuck just happened?"
MR: {{panting heavily, sweat beading on his forehead}} "I think {{pant pant}} I just stepped {{pant pant}} on a mouse."
ME: "A what? A mouse? Seriously? Did you kill it?"
MR: "Hon, little tiny mouse - 180 pound guy, yes, I think I killed it. Plus I heard a crunching sound. I hate those fucking things. Oh God {{pant pant}}, I think {{pant pant}} I'm having {{pant pant}} a heart attack."
ME: {{goes into kitchen to inspect the carnage}} Yup, you killed it. It's flat as a pancake. No blood though. Weird."
MR: "Um hon, I'm going to need you to dispose of that for me."
ME: "Me?"
MR: "I'm not touching that fucking vermin!"
ME: "Pussy."
So of course, me being the good wife I am, I donned a pair of gloves, picked the poor flat Mickey up by the tail, and then of course proceeded to chase him around the house with the dead rodent. And I may or may not have made him scream like a little girl. It was fun. How could I not? This is a guy who has felled a fucking moose, for god sake. Those things are huge. Yet, there he is, dancing around like a total Nancy, over a tiny, itty bitty little mouse. He deserves to be chased with a mouse carcass.

Mwaaaaahaha! We will torture you until you go rodent craaaaazy!

It really gets my demented little brain a churning when shit like this happens. I mean, fuck, you can find some really lifelike looking mousey cat toys. And now I just want to buy a shitload of them and plant them randomly around the house. I want to pretend to dig one out of some dark place, throw it at him. I want to watch him shit his mouse-fearing pants. Now that would be some serious fucking entertainment.

I bet Edward Cullen is soooo not afraid of a little mouse... he probably would just love me all the more for bringing him a snack.

I fucking hope they have mousey mcnuggets on the menu today! Nom nom nom!

35 comments:

  1. LMAO! my big 6 foot + brother hates spiders..itty bitty eight legged critters have him screaming like a pre-teen justin beaver fan. Thanks for the giggles

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  2. OMGosh - Mousey McNuggets? I will never look at Chicken Nuggets same!! Hilarious.
    I cant stop giggling!!

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  3. I kept getting the raised eyebrow from my husband and child while laughing my ass off reading this! I pray for your husband's heart, but I also pray for you to get a gigantic bag of toy mice and scare the shit out of him! So fucking funny :) And thanks for the Edward pic at the end...so pretty!

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  4. ditto LMAO. You are a wicked woman! I can't wait to hear his reaction when he finds the first cat toy...

    This is sorta like my daughter, the outdoorsy 25 year old fishery biologist/camping/hiking/sking/commercial-fisher-in-Alaska chick who called me last fall at 3AM from her home 150 miles away to scream there was a mouse in her bedroom.

    I guess you always need your mom in a crisis! Or LKW. I'll give her your phone number for this fall!

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  5. Wow...that was really funny...full mental image of a guy donning flannel and shit kicker boot skee-daddling out of the kitchen in a total panic. Fabulous!!

    I lived with three guys...hey now everyone, they were my roommates! (that is an excellent beginning to a hell of as story though! *wink*)...ANY-WHOO....we were all in the kitchen and a bat swooped down out of no where...those big burly dudes ran faster than a Cullen. One wound up under the kitchen table squealing. I was left to trap and release the poor little thing....Men..

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  6. Way to turn this into a twi-related blog in the last instant! Not that everything need be a zero or one degree separation kind of link- that's what the other five degrees are for.

    I hear ya. I'm in Montana and have A Real Man myself- hunter, carpenter, handy with a chainsaw, known to hang some parts on a car. But when our chicken coop was overrun by mice, I was the one to do the slaughter (seriously trapped 40+ over a week). Not because he's scared of them, but because he feels too badly for the mass murder. Gotta love him. And I do.

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  7. that story reminded me of this time in high school when my dad stood on a frog bare foot and smashed it dead. And he was very matter of fact about it. In fact now that I think about it my dad has a long history of killing animals in weird ways and telling us about as it wasn't a thing. I should bring this up with him. Massive amounts of childhood trauma are coming back to me now. Maybe I should get some fake dead mice and throw them at him. Except he wouldn't get the reference then I would have to explain it and he would be all weird.

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  8. OMG! So close to peeing my pants! My hubby and kids are just staring at me having a giggle fit. Hilarious!

    And you have to report back as to his reaction when you place the fake mice around.

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  9. Bwahaha too funny! Doooo it get the toy mice!!!!! Then video tape it!

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  10. So funny. My mother could clean up the most vile of human excrement mishaps...but one day she stepped on a dead bird and i thought she was having a heart attack in front of me. She didn't even kill it...and she was a basket case. You can't even remind her of it without her looking like she is going to cry from fear.

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  11. Oh, please... is there ANY WAY you can accidentally have a video camera out when you get those cat toys out??? I could really use a video diversion next time!!!

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  12. If it makes you feel any better, I bet Rob would be freaked out by stepping on a mouse. He is such an animal lover.

    Mr. VitR is much like Mr. LKW except he is afraid of mold. Tha's ride MOLD...especially on food. It is really quite funny.

    You totally need a mouse on a fishing pole or something...hahahaha!

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  13. Mr Elusive: big tatt'd Scottish guy. He's got forearms like Popeye, I kid you not.

    But he flails like Olive if there is a wasp in the room. I mean he proper squeals and runs out of the room, usually slamming the door behind him, until I chase it out the window. One time he hid in the bathroom and refused to come out until it was away.

    snort. I watched the last half of a Buffy episode while he was in there. haha

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  14. lmao...haven’t heard 'total nancy' used since the late 80's or maybe early 90's. My DH is totally one when it comes to spiders and rats! Seems to lose his balls when they appear. Though, I do have to say in his minimal defence, some of those fuckers could feed a small ahhh-meee!

    Can't wait to hear about your toy mice escapades!

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  15. ROFLMAO! I just about pmsl@ So of course, me being the good wife I am, I donned a pair of gloves, picked the poor flat Mickey up by the tail, and then of course proceeded to chase him around the house with the dead rodent

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  16. Too fucking funny! Okay, I have to admit this: I went to Bali last December, and one night I spotted a giant spider, bigger than a softball in my hut. I ran to the front desk and a nice guy with a newspaper came back with me. I eyed it like, "Would a baseball bat be more appropriate?" but whatever. So he gets in one good smack at it while I do the squicky-dance outside, but it turns out the injured thing scurried under the cabinet and wasn't coming back out. "It's okay, it no hurt you!" says newspaper guy. I didn't know if this meant, "It's probably injured and won't come out" or "It's okay, it's not actually poisonous," so naturally I did the only thing logical: I pulled out my duct tape, and taped the edges of my mosquito netting to the floor around the edges of the bed, creating a spider-free zone. And then I sat there awake for several hours, shining my cell phone light as a flashlight at anything that moved.

    It didn't come back out, but SOFTBALL SIZED, PEOPLE.

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  17. similar story w/ mr. jalya (6'7"/280 lbs). we were living in a apt while i was in college. a mouse sauntered out of the bathroom and he flipped his shit. i (who grew up in the middle of nowhere upstate ny) grabbed a broom, wacked it flat scooped it up in a dish pan and tossed it in the trash. mr. jayla still speaks of my bravery 15 years later...

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  18. i want pattinuggets... can we get them please???

    and don't tell anyone, but I am the slayer of bugs, spiders, & other creepy stuff here at Casa Snarky. actually we have a strict catch & release policy for almost anything that doesn't pose an immediate threat to our well-being.

    and if i had to look my food in the face before it got to my plate i would be vegan. i'd have spent the next hour performing mouth-to-mouse resuscitation on that critter trying to bring it back.

    : )

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  19. You are an evil woman, Latchkey. That's why I love you.

    I lived in a house in the ghetto for a couple of years and we battled mice constantly. They were military engineered mice, I think, because those little fuckers could do all sorts of amazing things. Like hang out in our fridge, pantries, ashtrays, tables, bags. Oh, and us. There is nothing more disturbing than to look down and see a mouse chilling on your lap.

    I've been desensitized to mice because of this situation but I will my shit my shorts, flail my arms and scream bloody murder if a bee, wasp or any other stinging flying bug gets near me.

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  20. LMAO, I am crying! Great post!

    @VitaminR - Snort! I'm a little squeamish of mold on my food too. Go figure.

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  21. That is hilarious, LKW!! I totally have a mental picture of that episode though video would have been better :)

    Personally I cannot stand spiders and things that buzz (well, not battery operated things that buzz, those rock the plastic... literally). I had a nest of bees that broke through my bedroom wall. I accidentally walked through a ground nest of bumble bees (nothing feels as weird and scary as the sensation of a few bumble bees bouncing between your skin and your t-shirt). I start to freak the eff out, shoulders pulled up to my ears, hands a flailing, as soon as I hear anything resembling a bee of any kind.

    And don't get me started on spiders. I don't give a shite how much bigger I am than them. They smell fear. I can't relive any of those stories now or I'll end up curled into the fetal position under my desk. And they frown on that sort of behavior here.

    Oh, and I hate those bugs that are kinda flat (hence, hard to kill) with a ton of legs. Man, those things give me the screaming willies. Blech, I think I just throw up a little.

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  22. lmfao, I almost lost it reading this post in the middle of my computer literacy class ( I don't need to be literate to find Robporn damnit). My husband (6'3" 190lbs)is a correctional officer and has to deal with all types of vile humanity yet he turns into the biggest vag ever when he sees a spider, or heaven forbid any type of beatle that could resemble a cockroach if you squint really hard and turn your head to the left. LKW I say you make his next birthday cake mouse shaped.....flat tho not 3d HA!

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  23. @LKW, hilarious post! Your hubby sounds a lot like mine in the Mr.Fix It dept. My yard sadly resembles something between a carpentry shop and a landscapers garage sale staging area. Nothing scares him tho. He believes in "catch and release" and nothing makes me go *shiver* quite like seeing him pick up spiders, coo at them lovingly, and carry them outside in his bare hands. I kicked him in the nuts once when he chased me with one. Yep, I'm sweet like that! I'll do mice, spiders, and some bugs, but not spiders. Yick.

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  24. Yes... I have read this twice and I am still laughing and relieved that I wasn't drinkng anything while I was doing it! Yep, he had it coming and in your shoes I would have done the same thing!

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  25. You crack me up! I am more of the catch and release kind of girl myself. This is almost as good as the time we had a mouse jump in the toaster! It was up on the counter checking out the cookie jar. It saw the spouse and panicked! The silly thing jumped into the toaster! Spouse being who he is... a total guy (I think he was channeling his inner naughty boy) pushed the lever down on the toaster! Then proceeded to tell me about it! Long story short the mouse was pretty smart and got between the insulation in the toaster and survived. Hubby took the toaster apart with the mouse in it and couldn't get the critter out. We put the whole mess into a bucket and waited till the mouse climbed out and then removed the toaster. I felt so bad for it that I put an old sock in the bucket for it to hide in.
    The next day we took the mouse to a field and released it. But the worst part is... hubby put the toaster back together and asked me if I still wanted to use it!!! Uhhhmmm NO! New toaster please!

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  26. OH my goodness that is hilarious. I too have a husband that is more comfortable outside than in. He has a gun that can literally explode a prarie dog from a mile away. (sorry ladies that was rather graphic, but it is something he is quite proud of) Anyways.....my manly man is completely terrified of spiders. Screams like a little nancy when he unexpectedly comes across one. The mouse is way to freaggin funny. I can't believe he actually stepped on the thing. Poor little guy!

    Oh, one more funny image....I have an childhood friend who is now 6 foot 6 inches and huge who is deafly afraid of Butterflies. He says that they are just creepy!

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  27. Im not sure which is funnier, the post or the comments, I cant stop laughing. I dont do anything that crawls or creeps in any bug/rodent form. I see them and run the other way. My boyfriend (6'4 and about 300ilb) is terrified of needles and his blood coming out of his body. I laugh every time he cuts himself or has to get blood drawn bc I have tons of tattoos and went to school and worked with bloody dead bodies.

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  28. I'm totally not a big fan of any kind of creepy crawly shit like bugs - YUCK!

    Oh, and my sissypants husband is also deathly afraid of bats too!! He once dressed up in all his ski gear (including goggles) to battle one in his apartment!!

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  29. One time, this snake scared the sheet out of me, slithering out of my kitchen cabinet when I had my face smooshed in there looking for dish liquid. I ran screaming to fetch my husband, who conveniently happened to be wearing gloves, boots, denim overalls & safety glasses while woodworking. Instead of stomping in and grabbing that demon by the neck, he picked up my kid's Frankenstein GRABBER TOY and attempted to grab that f'er with it.
    Yeah, it slithered under the stove & was never seen again.
    Just another life lesson in being my own hero. Next snake is getting it's MF head crushed by MY boot!
    I do still allow Mr Softie to usher spiders to the outside for me. He needs to feel like a man.

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  30. Ok I will admit - killing bugs and scooping up dead things is about the ONLY thing my hubby is a man about! I am pretty sure if I HAD to take care of these things I would but since he is around I will use him for it.

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  31. Fooorkspimp - I'm sorry...you were on vacation and just happened to have duct tape?

    LKW - They also have these super awesome mechanical mice that are motion sensitive...just put it somewhere he'll walk by and it'll take off. they weren't super expensive, but the one I got was plastic and blue, not very mousey looking. they may have furry ones now or you could get some left over hide from one of Mr. LKW's kills and plasti-tac it on. :D

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  32. I'm the bitch who lives in a glass house & still throws stones. I totally laughed out loud at Mr. LKW. On the other hand, we once owned a new house that was infested with mice. You'd think I would learn to wear shoes after stepping on the 3rd one barefooted.

    Just for my peace of mind, please google "Hanta Virus" and watch your husband for those symptoms.

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  33. My hubby is also an avid hunter/fisherman/camper/outdoors-type. He reacts similarly to snakes. This would be understandable if they were big snakes, but one day he made me and my daughter hide in her room when we spotted a teeny tiny snake the size of a worm in our living room. I'm really not sure how it even got in, but it was so small and I couldn't help but laugh at him! I have to give him credit though, he did kill it while we were forced into hiding!

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  34. You totally need to plant random fake mice around your house!!! My grandpa still does this same thing to this day only with fake bugs & snakes. BAH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! *SNORT* HAHAHAHAHA!

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