Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My First Blogging Injury

There was always a small part of me that wondered how long it would take for Twitarded to affect one of us in a physical sense (melting panties aside, natch). And I'm not talking about how my muscles have turned to mush from lack of exercise, or how my skin kind of has this green tinge to it that ML is convinced is a result of me staring at a monitor for 20 hours a day.

I'm talking about actually being injured. Like, you know, getting an ass-kicking or something. Given the content of this blog, I kind of assumed that any injury one of us might receive would be at the hands of an irate reader. Or (more likely) a family member of one of our readers.

I was wrong.

You see, Saturday night I lost sensation in my pointer finger and most of my middle finger of my left hand. Let me just point out that my left hand is THE hand that does all the important stuff, like writing, holding utensils and administering the self-love. One minute everything was fine and dandy and the next, my fingers were all tingly and shit and then the tips went numb. On Sunday, they were still all numb so I decided, against my better judgment, to look that shit up on WebMD.

For those of you who don't go the self-diagnosis route online, let me sum this up for you. No matter what your ailment is YOU WILL FUCKING DIE FROM IT. Pimple? Advanced skin cancer. Got a cough? It's congestive heart failure AND/OR pneumonia brought on by the final stages of AIDS. Weird rash? A very rare Malaysian skin disease that eats away at your flesh. Doesn't really matter, YOU WILL DIE.

OMG, it says right HERE my testicles are going to fall off and I'm gonna DIE!!! Nooooo -- wait, I don't have testicles but I'm still going to kick the bucket. Noooooo!!!

Despite the fact that I know this, I went online and started reading. I was totally horrified when I discovered I've had a stroke or seizure, advanced diabetes, frostbite, Gigantism and something called Raynaud's phenomenon. Oh, and cancer.

Mommy (not a)Jerkface assured me that I don't have Gigantism, unless by Gigantism they mean Dwarfism (fucking comedians, the whole lot of them) and she was pretty sure it's hard to get frostbite when it's August in Jersey and ninety five fucking degrees out.

To make the long and the short of it, when I woke up on Monday morning with no sensation in those fingers still, I decided it was high time to see a doctor. So, today I did. I headed downtown where I did my usual "harass the nurse who tries to weigh me and then insist my shoes weigh 10 pounds, each" shtick and then they left me alone in the room. Of course, I whipped out my cell phone and started hunt n' peckin' an email to Snarkier Than You with my right hand.
To: Snarkier Than You
From: Jenny Jerkface
Subject: Hi!

Sitting in Dr. office waiting for someone to come tell me they are going to amputate my hand. Nurse liked my tattoo though. God this is boring.
To: Jenny Jerkface
From: Snarkier Than You
Subject: Re: Hi!

Make sure they cut below the tat… I like that one, too. :)
So much for sympathy or comfort. Twatgobbler.

Finally, the good Doctor came in and we went through the battery of inane questions and then finally she asked "do you spend a lot of time on the computer?"

"Is, like, sixteen hours a day a lot?" I asked. She stared at me like I just told her I shat my pants purely for enjoyment. So, apparently, I spend WAY too much time on the computer.

That poor, poor guy. I totally feel his pain.

In the end, it turned out it's not cancer, or diabetes or multiple sclerosis or anything like that.

It's Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, which apparently effects geeks and computer nerds and causes the muscle, or bones, or possibly microscopic bacteria, to generally wreak havoc on your wrists and fingers until your digits get all necrotic and gross looking and no one wants to be your friend. At least, that's what WebMD told me.

The doctor, on the other hand, told me to give the computer a break and I laughed a little hysterically and then she said I was too uptight and needed to relax or something. I jumped on this, hoping to walk out with a prescription for Xanax or something but all I was told was to "meditate." Lamespice.

Guess which one I am.

Naturally, the first thing I did was send Snarkier Than You an email, because I know she's been worried, since I've had a hard time typing. And, unlike her, I wanted to assuage any concern she might have. Uh huh. Sure.
To: Snarkier Than You
From: Jenny Jerkface
Re: I'm fucked

Lol, I have carnal tunnel. No typing at all for 2 weeks and I have to wear a brace for a while.
I'm not above lying to freak the fuck out of STY. The brace, yes. The no typing for two weeks? Total fucking lie. Well, mostly.
To: Jenny Jerkface
From: Snarkier Than You

Re: I'm fucked
Ok my head just exploded. Pretty much sobbing, on the phone with a client and talking nonsense because all I can think of is what a disaster this will be...
Yup, I'm an asshole. Anyhoo, I am currently writing this with an ugly-ass brace on my left hand. I'm supposed to wear this monstrosity for the better part of the day and night for who-the-fuck knows how long. I did tell STY that my wrist and palm are now encased in metal, so if anyone tries any fuckery on me when we're at Forks, they're gonna get their asses whooped, because I'm like Iron Man now.

See? It's like this, only without the vaguely attractive guy attached to it. Or that light thingy, though that would be pretty fuckawesome.

I can already tell this brace is going to be a fucking disaster. I mean, it's not that huge but I had it on for a whopping twenty minutes before I spilled food on it, and I almost fell off the toilet trying to wipe my ass with my right hand. Do you know how hard it is to wipe with your non-dominant hand?? It's fucking hard, trust me.

Doods. SO psyched about my new... accessory. Cantcha tell??

All I know is that ML might want to sleep with a helmet on because if I start flailing around with this thing on, someone's going to get hurt. And it ain't gonna be me.

But it won't be all bad. I'm thinking this brace may get me out of some chores, too. I mean, I can't wash dishes, right? Wouldn't want to get it wet, after all. Weeding/gardening it out because I'm supposed to be resting my wrist, yo. And dudes, this brace is like my get-out-of-a-handjob-for-free card.

P.S. - ML thinks my new accessory is real fucking cute and has been singing Billy Idol songs since he got home.

Looks like ol' Billy doesn't like his Carpal Tunnel brace either. But his is fancier, the lucky bastard.

P.P.S. - This is also, like, the longest fucking post I've written in awhile -- mainly because the moment someone tells me NOT to do something, I feel totally compelled to do it. So, dear doctor who told me to lay off the typing -- LMT.


  1. Mr. Backyard got clocked in the head once or twice when I had to wear braces on BOTH wrists...poor guy! I did remove them for "sexy time" because those braces hurt like hell when I would try to hold myself up in various positions.

  2. This entire post is awesome. And I love the pillows on your couch. Alot.


    See ya on the short bus at 3pm ;)

    BTW...sorry to hear about your hand. Srsly.

    xo J

  3. I am so glad I watched that video the other day so I know what LMT is!

    Sorry about your hand but I love that you can use it as a weapon now :) LOL!

    I hope you heal quickly

  4. one of the good things about being a lefty is that for a lot of activities I'm ambidextrous ;).

  5. p.s. JJ you totes must bedazzle that thing with some stud and black lace :)

  6. #1: You're so fucking leeetle, you could perch on my fucking knee. BRB LULZING.

    k, back

    #2: You got that bird pillow on Etsy, didn't you? WANT. NAO.

    #3: I'm going to go out on a limb & make a wild guess that you weren't exactly upfront with the doc about your vibrator collection. You were all, "blog blah FFFFOOORRRKS blah poop in trailer blah, when in the interest of full disclosure you could've just said, I HAVE A PANIC ROOM'S WORTH OF BEAN BUZZERS & TWAT TORPEDOS. ::headshake:: #j/s

    #4: PBR sucks dog balls, you hipster dirtbag scum. Promise you won't cut up cans to trick your brace out. (said with love, natch)

    #5: Thank Jeebus your lady envelope is still intact..there's always that, heheh.

    #6: Get well soon! *mwah*

    Moi xoxoxox

  7. My mouse hand starts to hurt when I draw nudes on my computer. I'll have to watch that. "Course it doesn't take me 16 hours a day. Thanks for the info.

    The Fred Effect

  8. This is just what I needed tonight. It 90 degrees, 100% humidity, and I am laughing. Not for long, though. Tomorrow my work schedule changes, and I have to be AT WORK at fucking 7:15 (former start time 8:30 ish). Shit. I hate my life.

    Um, this is when I remember this is NOT my blog, and I'm supposed to be verrrry empathetic and tell you that brace is NOT the geekiest thing I've seen since, um, pocket protectors? Sorry, JJ. I am sympathetic. Honest.

    Oh, and the self love part might have to be performed by the other hand for awhile.Can you buy braces in quantity discounts?

    @TK Brave you for making a Big C joke.

  9. This is just what I needed tonight. It 90 degrees, 100% humidity, and I am laughing. Not for long, though. Tomorrow my work schedule changes, and I have to be AT WORK at fucking 7:15 (former start time 8:30 ish). Shit. I hate my life.

    Um, this is when I remember this is NOT my blog, and I'm supposed to be verrrry empathetic and tell you that brace is NOT the geekiest thing I've seen since, um, pocket protectors? Sorry, JJ. I am sympathetic. Honest.

    Oh, and the self love part might have to be performed by the other hand for awhile.Can you buy braces in quantity discounts?

    @TK Brave you for making a Big C joke.

  10. I wear them on both wrists every night while I'm asleep. So far that's working for me and I don't have to wear them during the day. But after a long weekend of doing nothing but lying on the couch reading fanfic on the laptop, my fingers do get tingly. (I thought that was from Edward!)

    Your black brace is cool. You should glue the Cullen Crest that came with your Pocket Edward on there to trick it out!

    OR . . . we could have a contest in Forks!!!


  11. OMG, I can't believe you have Carpal. That sucks! On a more serious note, take care of that shit and speedy recovery.

  12. PS I thought it was affecting your left hand...your flipping the bird and have the brace on your right?!?

  13. I burn myself in the kitchen. A lot. I barely even notice it anymore. So last fall when my right index and middle fingers felt like they were on fire I assume that it was actually the result of some kitchen disaster that I forgot about. Then, it wouldn't go away, and fucking kept getting hotter. I was trying to type at work with the right hand in a glass of ice water. Didn't work. Went to doc who said- "yup, carpal tunnel"

    The splint TOTALLY helped though and I just wore it at night. I may or may not have whacked Mr. CC with it a few times. Oh and the velcro might have scratched him a few times too.

    It did go away, but now it's back. So you might not be the only sporting a splint. We can break people's noses together if need be!

  14. Ok, you know me...I have to advocate for massage therapy.
    If you know a massage therapist who loves you, GET THEM ON that arm/wrist/hand ASAP. I'm telling you that you will avoid pointless surgeries in the future.
    Just so you know, the soapbox I am on is totally filled with love. promise!

    P.S. I'm not saying massage will 100% make it go away for ever and ever. I'm just saying it's a whole lot cheaper (and better for you) to try that than the doc route first! :)

  15. So sad about the wrist. I wish you a speedy recovery. Maybe theres a piece of metal on t that would be handy for opening bottles of beer? That should be useful in FFFFOOOOOOOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSSSSSS.

    Signed me - Mad jealous I cant go with you twatwaffles!!!

  16. The moment after reading that, my hands started to hurt. Thanks a fucking lot! Guess they don't call you jerkface for nothing! ;)

    But seriously though, I've been battling mild carpal tunnelness for a while....my fingers go numb for a bit, my hands cramp up. I do way too much typing. Or handjob giving. Same diff. My step mom had to have surgery on both of her hands for it (carpal tunnel, not handjobs...hopefully. gross) because the dr said if she didn't she would lose all feeling in her hands eventually. So be careful. You might lose the ability to blog. And then die.

    Solution: Lay off the fanfic because we all know that's how you REALLY got carpal tunnel... reading, and um..... reading.


  17. @JJ - Shouldn't be funny, but it is! And I agree with the others who said that the splints work. Good luck!

    @eddiescherry - LMFAO!! Your post within a post is hilarious.

    @Twired Jen - Did you notice the PBR log on her shirt is backwards, too? You know I love you, right? LOL!


  18. I laughed through this whole thing and most of the comments. Why? I knew what it was from the moment you said tingly fingers. Having worked in the computer industry for 20+ years I've had this issue for a long time. My saving grace was a keyboard tray that goes below the desk. Even know when I sit at my computer for way more hours than I will admit in public, I rarely have issues.

    A couple of years back it got bad when I had a temp position at a firm who did not have an under desk drawer, but it was temporary so I powered through it.

  19. @Team Six Pack & theRugbyMom - you are so right! That brace needs some dazzlin'. Or Cullen-izing.

    @JJ - Welcome to old age! I was probably your age when I first started having problems with my wrist and the brace helped a lot. Experiment with different mice. I went to a thumbball for a while and now have an upright mouse. Did the drawing pen and pad too. Variety is the key so you aren't doing the same thing all the time. Learn how to use the mouse right handed as well. And make sure you are holding your hands in the proper ergonomic position at home and at work. Squeezing the stress balls is good too.

    Computer voice recognition technology is still not perfect but it is getting better and better. Will Dragon allow you to Twit and text? You could do your blog posts with it for sure.

    As frustrating as it is, the resting part is critical!

    w/v: pringlyz WTF?

  20. LMAO! I think "PBR log" may have been a Freudian slip. Just sayin'.

  21. @TK - You're such a fucking dirty cuntswab.

    @Eddiescherry - OMFG, WHY DID YOU STEAL MOIJOJOJO'S FACE?!?!?!
    A) It's not a PBR shirt, HA HA!! It says Pure Reno Envy, biatches. So there. ;) You know I lurv you.

    Thanks all for the well wishes. I do appreciate them. And I'm glad I could make y'all laugh too.

    Okay, off to nurse my hand. And a drink.

    LOVE YOU!!!

  22. Just so ya'll don't think JJ is making shit up about her left hand - for whatever reason, this image is actually reversed. I have no idea how to explain this, but that IS JJ's left hand, and the doorway behind her in the pic of her living room is on the other side of the house. totally fucking weird and I'll bet that she has no clue how to explain it either. huh.

    @Moi - lmfao! you kill me... please tell me i will get to hear your big buttery sexy voice in person in forks? please???

  23. p.s JJ on my way over to your house with my cullen crest and some crazy glue. don't fight it.

    p.p.s. if you spray-painted it gold it would be like that pic we had taken at blogher where we were wearing the gold lame wonder woman wristlet cuff thingies. just sayin'!

    : )

  24. So sorry about the carpal tunnel - I had it and did the brace thing, my fingers would get numb like an elephant had sat on them, especially at night, but eventually it stopped (hate to say how "eventually" it was...like 2 years). Here's hoping yours will heal much faster! We need you to get your typing hand back!!!!

  25. I, too, have had similar repetitive use injuries from an old cooking job...those fucking braces actually do work.

    @JJ--You totally need to trick that brace out. I think you need spikes most definitely...though that might become an issue when wiping...hmmmm...nevermind.

    If it makes you feel any better I have a zit the size of an M&M on my face right now...one of those hard, unpoppable ones. Mother fucker why am I still getting zits? Maybe it's all these 17 year old like thoughts and hormones running through my head....more likely it is early menopause. Whatever. Sorry I needed to join in on the whine fest.

    Well, look on the bright side, there is always FFFOOORRRKKKSSS!!!! The people of Twitardia can type for you. <3

    Get better bb.

  26. If I might make a suggestion [since this isn't intuitively obvious for some] . . . you can take the brace off when you go to the bathroom!

    Just sayin' . . .

  27. Holy crap JJ. Just so you know, J-Ninja had the same thing and you are now in the same boat. Kinda like when you're on the swings as a kid going the EXACT SAME pace as the boy next to you..in my mind you're MARRIED. HAHHAHAHAHHhahahhah!

  28. Why is there a photo of kstew flipping off the paps... oh,wait...

  29. Oh man! Too bad you can't get a workman's comp for your bloggy job. Sonuva! At least you totes look like Billy Idol's backup singer. That would be bad frickin' ass. No wonder ML was singing Cradle of Love!

    Sowwy you gots da owie....I ruvs you and I would give you all the "candy" in the world to take the hurts away.

  30. Feel better JJ! I have signs of CTS too after 20+ years of using computers. It can be scary.

    And no you are not gonna die from it! LOL. You could go blind from the other thing...or was it get hair palms, I can't remember.

    Make sure that the brace is OFF your wrist when STY puts the crazy glue on the brace to pimp it out with the Cullen Crest and the spikes!

    Use the brace and follow Dr. Cullen's orders. At the very, very worst you would have to have surgery BUT I hear it is not as bad as in years past.

    "with a rebel yell, she cries, more, more, more..."

  31. I think the "syndrome" was exasperated by all the fuckhawt outtakes released over the weekend of The Precious. I know that my right click + save muscle memory was overworked!
    Bedazzling will make it all better, you know. That or a personal visit from *someone* special!
    Get better. :)

  32. @STY- Ok so I'm not completely crazy. I figured it had to be her left and somehow reversed...as Lisa pointed out. Thanks for not making me feel like a dumb ass.

    @Lisa- I love you to, however when you look at it, doesn't it look like it JUST HAS TO BE HER RIGHT HAND. Ok, unless you see the shirt is backwards. But hey, at least I didn't think her shirt stood for "Paps Blue Ribbon." LMAO! JK...not sure if that's what you meant or not....PMSL!

  33. Did you really text that you had "carnal tunnel syndrome"? Cuz that's awesomely appropriate, no?

    Feel better soon, JJ!

  34. You can totally take that brace off to do the dishes or wipe your ass. Just sayin'.

    It's not like you have a cold that woke you up at 3 a.m. Keerist this sucks. As per your advice, I'm going to check my symptoms on Web MD so I can rest easy. Oh, great, I have COPD, nasal polyps, or Ricin poisoning. Or possibly pneumonia, whooping cough, asbestosis, or bronchial adenoma.

    That image reversal is due to some stupid automatic mirror glitch in the cam on the computer. (I'm guessing Apple?)

    If you're using Photobooth, go to Edit=>Flip Photo or Edit=>Auto Flip Photos (Applekey+F or Shift+Applekey+F)

    I said /geek dammit.

    Makes sense that command doesn't work. I bet the joke doesn't either. Please note: that is not irony, but it is "irony." Am I still up? What are you looking at?

    P.S. JJ, I am trying to type something convivial and sympathetic but failing. I'm an asshole with a cold, apparently. Just imagine I've said something soothing, okay? Your mom's joke made me laugh for real. Shit, even that isn't complimenting you. At least you had the sense to steal her material? I like your pillows, too. Oh god, that came out all wrong. I'm going back to lurking. Feel better.

  35. well shit JJ, that sucks. Nice to see you kept your sense of humour during and after! My first Twilight related injury - a blister from scrolling too much - pales in comparison! :)

    Did WebMD seriously not suggest carpal tunnel for your symptoms?

    you totes need to bling up that brace..... glitter, studs, maybe a Cullen crest.

  36. Oh. Mah. Gawdd. I am SO sorry about this fuckoffery. Totes fuckin' stinks, girlfriend (may I call you girlfriend??)

    BUT. You crack my ass up in SO many ways. "Administer the self-love?" (damn, never thought of that one, btw, I just ASSumed all of us did that with our Righties - and I even begat a Leftie) "get-out-of-a-handjob-for-free card." Fucking priceless.

    AND. The answer is right under your nose, if you can see past that fucking accessory. Studs. NO. Not HIM. Metal studs. Bedazzling. Lace. SOOO many accessorizing options for the accessory!!!

    Damn. Makes me wanna slut my bod for some $$$ to make it out to Forks so we can have a "Let's See How Badly We Can Fuck With Twitards' ACCessory" party.

    I'd Totes bring the glitter.

    P.Fucking.S: I just skimmed thru the first dozen or so replies and I SWEAR to Gawd I didn't see TeamSixPacks' nor TheRugbyMom's comments before writing mine. But my coffee is getting cold and I'm just too damned lazy to fix. I'm NOT a plagarizer. I'm NOT. :-O

    P.P.S. wv: lazinsch. As in "Who you callin' a lazinch?"

  37. I'm a lefty too. When my wrist starts bothering me from too much computer time, I switch sides. Someimes I use the mouse left handed at work & right handed at home. Switching things up has kept me from having to go to the doc for a brace.

    Best wishes on your get out of housework free card, er brace.

  38. Carpal Tunnel blows. Rest that wrist! We need you girl!

  39. Feel better soon! I agree that your brace needs to be tricked out - studs and glitter sound good, but how about a pocket for your flask? You could be like Inspector Gadget - Go-Go-JJ-Flask! I also love the pillows. Where can we find them to copy you?

    And, uh... when I was scrolling down the blog post, the top of Billy Idol's picture came into view and my first thought was "Carlisle." The Eclipse makeup people need an ass-kicking, and I'm up for the challenge. So are you, apparently, with your bionic arm.

  40. You guys are making me laugh so hard!!

    @Anonymous - my phone autocorrects "carpal" to "carnal". Totally keeping it.

    I love you guys. I'd write more but typing is a fucking bitch right now. Mwah!

  41. I can totally relate, although I do have Raynauds and it is a bitch. It is worse than having newborn vampires gnaw on your finger tips.

    Thank GOD you can still blog! I don't know what I did before a friend showed me the awesomeness of this site.

    Hope you don't need your dominate hand for any other activities. *cough, cough*

  42. JFC! The Billy Idol picture fucking killed me. I am SO calling you Billy from now on. Sorry... that's just how it is. Please don't hit me with your splint. Not that I find humor in your suffering, but I fucking guffawed through this whole post.

    Oh and RPattz called me and said he wanted you to give him a handjob... I told him you were injured so I'm doing it instead... among other jobs.

  43. still looking for my vampSeptember 1, 2010 at 1:27 PM


    Don't fuck around with that shit! I knew a girl who did not do what the doctor told her to do and 3 surgeries later, she couldn't hold a vibrator, let alone type anything.

    I love your brace, but sorry dude, I got you beat. I will email you the picture. If we lived closer together we could get together and bedazzle them.

  44. @JJ - Been there done that, being a lefty without full use of your left sucks assssss!!!! My brace looked like a frigin' cast and needed its own zip code. You gotta work that shit for a few hand massages though, cause it'll help. I Feel for you girl!

    @LKW - Hahahahahahahahah...that was awesome! If your hands, mouth, etc. get tired let Rob know I'm available. We can take turns, k?!

  45. Fuck the brace JJ - just take a bumper dose of anti-inflammatory drugs for the next 3 weeks, get some Reiki and show that carpal tunnel stuff who's boss!

    Been there, done that, eaten the pie and worn the t-shirt. It's a pain in the proverbials! Try using your right hand for mouse-action [and other action IYKWIM ;-)]

    Hope it doesn't interfere with your glass-lifting in FFFFOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRKKKKSSSSS!!!!!!!

    Yours in non-left-handedness.......

  46. Sorry about the injury, if you need someone to hold your drinks in Forks I'll volunteer STY. Unless you don't mind me sipping off of them, then, okay, I'll volunteer.

  47. Randomness, since y'all asked - I got those pillows at CB2.

    @Miss Tejota - I know you can be a trickster. I've got my eye on you. And some rope in the trunk.

    Okay, seriously hopping off to give my sad little paw a break.


  48. I'm sure SOMEONE mentioned this (I should be in bed so didn't take the time to read every comment...sorry!), but, um... cantcha just remove the brace for the three or so minutes it takes you to pee and wash your hands? I know the doc said all day and night, but I don't think a few minutes here and there for personal hygiene will make anything worse. I said personal HYGIENE. That doesn't include masturbation, missy.

    w/v coliedup - someone's dyslexic. OR they know I have a super brand new border collie pup in my abode...

  49. Ok, I cannot stop laughing at the Chihuahua picture. CAN NOT! Probably because I have a chihuahua named Toby who looks pretty much exactly like that (but fatter) and makes that exact face when middle daughter tried to pet him. Nice huh? LOL

    I'm sorry about your wrist JJ. I hope it doesn't interfere with Forks Fuckery as I am relying on lots of stories when you guys get back!

  50. JJ
    CTS -Been there, done that. I went lame when my daughter was about 1 yr old and I couldn't pick her up. It caused such pain from my wrist up to the elbow. Sucked big time. Hated wearing the brace for months day and night. JJ - I hope your hand and fingers start feeling better. Having a few drinks will definitely help. I agree with TheRugbyMom - pimp that bastard!! Love ya's. Have totes fun in FOOOOORKS!!!

  51. Been sleeping with my braces on for (almost) 20 years. Don't need then during the day though. It'll get better, and you'll get used to it...but still sucks. Feel better!

  52. Wear the brace! I had this problem when I got a laptop and started mousing with my left instead of my right hand. I wore multiple different braces including a very pretty light blue one designed for women. At night I wore a high-tech one with beanie cushion on my hand. That one will not hurt ML in his sleep but it will still get you out of a hand job. Now I rarely have to wear it unless its hurting and I only wear it on the computer. Good luck.


Comments are our life now. Leave one!