Monday, August 16, 2010

Shackin' Up With Your Lady Friends - Not THAT Way!

I know that there are many of you who will be shacking up with one another during our stay in Fooooorks. Maybe for a few of you this is the first time meeting, or even sharing a room with another person who isn't your S/O, child, or some other family member. Let's face it - most of us are at an age where the person we share a bed and/or room with is the same person who plays with our boobs and helps pay the mortgage.

Needless to say, since we're all a little rusty playing "slumber party," perhaps some of you are a little worried that you'll get on each others' nerves or something. Personally, I'm pretty unflappable when it comes to sharing spaces with people. Thanks to my perpetual state of "brokedom", I've always had multiple housemates and I've spent more than enough road trips crammed into a tiny hotel room with six stinky dudes. Or girls. But usually I end up with dudes. Huh, I might need to revisit that revelation.

Yup, that about sums it up...

So, yeah, after spending a couple of evenings watching a bunch of guys wandering around in their underwear, farting and doing things I don't even want to think, much less tell, you about, I'm pretty sure that I can handle just about anything. I mean, as long as someone doesn't stick my toothbrush up their butt, defile my clothing, or pee in my shampoo bottle, I'm all good.

However, this didn't stop me from being a tad nervous when STY and agreed to shared not just a room, but a bed (thanks to our usual better-late-than-never planning skillz) during BlogHer. STY and I are totally tight--two peas in a pod, if you will--but we had never, ever spent the night together (Hey! It's not like we know we each other in the biblical sense, you dirty cooches!!).

We talked about our little quirks here and there but in the end, mainly because Snarkier Than You did not stick my toothbrush into any of her orifices or poop in my suitcase, everything went swimmingly.

Well, almost.

There was one thing I forgot to mention to STY and I probably should have because, like I said, I can pretty much handle anything but, fortheloveofallthatisholy DO NOT WAKE ME UP. **

Because I will fucking kill you. Promise.

No, seriously, I want to fuck people up in the morning. It's like I go from "dead-asleep-to-apoplectic-motherfucking-rage" in one little beeeeeep of the alarm clock. So, who wants to stay in our room??

I am not a morning person and never have been. My parents used to flip coins to see who had to venture into my room to wake me up as a teenager; it was THAT much of a shitshow. In general, the first thing I think every single morning is "fuuuuuuuck." [Note from STY: JJ was two-for-two during our short residence at the Hilton and three-for-three if I add in the "fuuuuck!" that was texted to me the morning we headed to the conference at the ass-crack of dawn.]

When our wake-up call came in at 7 am that Saturday morning, I rolled over, grabbed the phone, growled "fuck you" at the recording and slammed it down into the receiver to resume sleeping.

Nope, definitely not a morning person.

Want to know how STY managed to not only take this picture but then tweet it to the masses without me killing her? Because I was asleep, people. She's lucky I love her.

STY, on the hand, appears to be. Or maybe she really is a vampire and doesn't actually sleep because I have no idea how someone can be... that awake, that early. And I mean like really awake, not just eyes-open-staring-off-into-space awake... We're talking actually functional and ready to chat. It's fucking inhuman.

I don't know how long she was lying there, probably willing me to wake up, but the moment I moved STY began talking, all chipper and shit. I swear to OME that I was almost expecting songbirds to pull back our curtains or something, she was that cheery. There she is lying in the bed next to me, chatting animatedly while I was curled up in the sheets and wondering which method of murdering her would use up the least amount of my energy.

Snarkier Than You in the morning. What. the. fuck.

STY: Oh mah gahd, I'm so blah blah blah awake! I mean, blah blabahdy blah blah, it's like this flip has been switched on in my brain and that's IT. You know?? I'm UP. I just can't fall back asleep.
Me: [trying not to snarl] I can.
STY: [pause] Is that a hint?
Needless to say, on Sunday morning poor STY was kind of creeping around the hotel room and I woke up to a big ol' cup of Starbucks coffee (and banana bread!) as a peace offering before she raced into the bathroom and slammed the door. That woman learns fast, seriously. [note from STY: I have a healthy fear of death.]

So you see, there's always a bit of a learning curve when you share a room with someone you haven't before. The best thing to do is actually talk to one another. Does your roommate turn into a chainsaw with tits the second she hits her REM cycle? Invest in ear plugs or maybe a taser. Prone to sleepwalking? Maybe your roommate has Bella-esque worthy bouts of bellowing and screaming in her sleep!

Just come prepared with duct tape and a ball gag. You'll get along great!!

**Latchkey Wife's note - You may have mentioned this little tidbit of info at one point or another and this is why, when visiting you, I quietly got up at my regular time, took a shit and a shower, and went back to my room until I heard Mrs. Grumpy Pants stir... and only then did I dare show my face!


  1. I just need to get this out: FOOOOOOOOORRRRRKKKKSSSS!!!!!! I'm jazzed and nearly packed. Serious.

    I was lucky enough to meet my Forks roomie a weekend or so ago due to an unexpected diverted family trip on her part. It was like a blind date of sorts. Turns out she is what I expected of my fellow Twitards- she's super-fab and we both got it out of the way that we may tend to snore (part two to that sentence was said in stereo). If anyone else is rooming with a stranger- I say have no fear and Bring It!

    *And by "bring it" have a peace offering ready.

  2. JJ, I am so with you. Not a morning person at all and the best part of FORKS? I will be able to sleep past 7am for the first time in 18 months. I HOPE. No, if I have to book myself a room in Kalaloch for a night, I will have to be sure this happens. Mmmm. Kalaloch.

  3. @JJ-one more reason why I LOVE you. Morning people are like sleep-sucking vampires.(Only until about 10 AM and then you become your lovely selves again!)I learned the hard way at various conferences that there are certain people who were not meant to be my roommate. (That also includes my EX and partly for the same reason.) Mornings were meant to be gently eased into with the least amount of effort possible.

    Wonder if I just scared off my prospective roomies in Forks?

  4. Hmmm I've changed over the years having a dog bouncing on the bed and ignoring your growls and snarls at him to leave you alone. Then when you hide under the covers and he comes diving under the covers after you and starts licking your face your hands etc. You learn to get up quickly when that shit starts, cause that dog ain't gonna take no for love or money.

    So I've learned to get up early and hubby has learned to run off to Timmies and get me a steeped tea stat afterward.

  5. Note to self: a.m.PST.You are too old for practical jokes...

  6. I'm rooming with the Twitarded-Elusive Neverthink slash (not in a smokin' hot EdwardxJasper way) Facebook-Whore Derrydown Green. The only think I'm worried about is waking up with a double ended dildo under my back, an empty bottle of lube on the floor, and HORROR OF HORRORS, FULL bottles of liquor.

    Other than that, I'm just gonna bring some earplugs so we all can catch up on sleep while we're in the slamma.


  7. JJ if I can make it to Forks then we need to share a room...I F**KIN HATE BEING WOKE UP!!!! My kids never wake me up in the middle of the night, they always go to my husbands side of the bed. They tell me I act crazy when they wake me up!

  8. Holy crap you make me laugh. I've been a bit MIA from twitarded for a while and after reading this i remember why I love you guys. I shared a bed with a chipper morning person - as in went for a 10k run and back by 715am kind of person. Swear we are good friends but never sharing a room let alone bed with her again. Oh better remind HG that i wake up screaming sometimes...

  9. I am hoping beyond hope that my family follows thru with my 30th birthday request and pays for my trip to FOOORKS..due to procrastination and brokeness (and the tiny Forks Motel) I'll probably end up sleeping in a rental car...that being said anyone who wakes me up is getting run the fuck over :)

  10. I have that same Sleep - to- pissed-off trigger. It's SUPER hard when you have 3 effing kids. Anyway, I cannot stop laughing at the "STFU" pic, CAN NOT ........

  11. This post is so funny. I am also not a morning person unless there is something I am really excited about. Then I can get up a bit easier than normal.

    I am rooming with someone,(Mama Cougar) possibly people(Mama Cougar's friend) that I have never met before but I'm pretty adaptable to situations so I'm not really worried about it. And 17foreverlisa gave MC a really good recomendation. And I'm pretty sure everything Lisa says is true. Therefore, it will be fine.

  12. JJ- You and me...2 pigs in a blanket. Just sayin'...

    I'm a "don't talk to me until I have had my coffee or I will spit in your face" type. Luckly, I am solo in my hotel room...well except for maybe Thursday...Malicious Mandy might be shacking up next to me for a night on her way through to the twi convention in seattle. You know her, she goes to ALL of them..lmao.

    Anyhoo @LWE: You and me both! The morning of 100 Monkeys I bounced awake at 7:45am...gawd knows I was excited. For the first time in a long time I couldn't go back to sleep.

    xoxo J


    We're going! It's really almost here! :-D

    Toefunny and I are meeting in the airport in Seattle, and I'm afraid we might frighten the unsuspecting travelers, because you KNOW I am running into her arms as soon as I see her! She's a morning person, but she already knows that if I'm woken before a certain hour I'd fucking shank a newborn. The two of us both talk in our sleep, so there may be some interesting conversations to be had.

    @Lindsay Rae, all bets are off when it comes to Derry/Neverthink, but one thing I am 99.9% sure you do not have to worry about is full bottles of liquor.


    Can you tell I'm excited? I'm kind of excited.

  14. AdonicaSS - LMAO!! do NOT do this or JJ will hunt you down and kill you - srsly!!

    @Living with Edward - at least you already know you have a snorer - lol! I tried to catch some of JJ's snoring in NYC (I am a very light sleeper and usually wake up several times in the night) but by the time i got my recorder thingy out she had went from "dump truck" to "cute kitten" volume. maybe in Forks...

  15. Ok, I see I'm in the minority here, but I am normally a morning person. Especially on the weekends. My days off are so precious, I can't stand the thought of sleeping too long and 'wasting' hours so I get up early. However, by 'up' I mean pee, put the kettle on for tea, take the dog out for a squat, grab a mug of hot tea and flop on the couch where I will lay for an indeterminate amount of time. As long as I'm awake, I feel like I'm making good use of my weekends :)

    The caveat to that general rule is if a hangover is involved. The kind of hangover where your hair hurts. Don't talk to me, don't touch me, just bring me Excedrin and a Gatorade and leave me alone. I travel a lot with girlfriends and am quite comfortable sharing rooms/beds, usually with little to no drama. But a couple years ago we went to Chicago for the weekend and proceeded to get hammered our first night there. I felt (and I'm sure looked) like week old roadkill the next morning. So did one of my girls, but the other one did not (she NEVER gets hangovers. I know, it ain't right) so she proceeded to prance around the room getting ready and had the balls to turn on the hairdryer which was about 8 feet from our heads. Now I realize someone who's never had a hangover can't know the turmoil going through my head and belly but for the love of baby geebus, one look at me should have made it clear. I wanted to bound out of bed and throat punch her but any movement would have resulted in everything I consumed the night before coming up. So I just pulled the pillow over my head and plotted her death. Sigh... some days I really miss that girl.


  16. So I take it you are NOT a fan of morning bones?

    I'd do anything to get Forked, but unfortunately I'm broke.

  17. JJ, believe me when I say I understand! There is no good reason to EVER wake up at the asscrack of dawn. If I have to get up that early, I seriously debate whether or not it's even worth going to sleep at all that night.

    I'm meeting my lovely roomies Mrs P, 17ForeverLisa & CullenaryCurser for the first time in FOOOOORRRRRRRRRKKKKSSSS and I can't wait!! That said, I'm still going to be extra careful not to be the first one in the room to fall asleep :)

  18. I have an idea. *whispers* Someone give me the phone/room number to JJ's suite and I'll make the call at 515am, and tell her to wake the Fork up. Since I won't be in Fooooorrrkks, she won't be able to kill me. Bwahahaha!

  19. I haven't slept passed six a.m. in nearly ten years. So, assuming none of you need to be breastfed, I best not be woken up until I'm darn good and ready.

  20. @Kintail - You and I are going to get along fabulously, I can tell.

    @Jacksonstat - Not only is STY an early riser but ML is too. I'm surrounded by them. When he goes on tour, his band is forever kicking him out of the hotel room for puttering around, lol.

    I'm also planning on unplugging the phone the moment I get to Forks Motel (sneaky @Z Any Mouse, sneaky).


  21. @STY: I too am a light sleeper and I am very aware of the snoring about to go down in FOOOORRRKKS. I saw Lisa's vid. Aparently, JJ's subconsious will protect her from humiliation. So it sounds like if you are constantly armed with a tape recorder, the snoring may be kept to a minimum.

  22. I don't know why I need so little sleep these days, but no matter how late I stay up, I still wake at the ass-crack of dawn. But I don't ever get up . . . I just grab the laptop and quietly read fan fiction. Or, if I do get up, I need food. Then it's back to bed for more stories and a nap! Or maybe some quality time with my hobo!

    It could be even worse in Forks because I don't sleep well in a strange bed. Who knows how effed-up our body clocks will be when we get to the left coast? No matter what, I'll be quiet. Promise.

    And there will be no hobo action. I have a roommate and that might scar her for the rest of her life!

  23. I do NOT do mornings. It takes all the will power I can muster to get up for work each morning and then I walk into the office JUST in the nick of time. When I had to travel for business (for the hellish job I just left), all of the other women would be downstairs having breakfast together while I was catching some extra Z's and then styling my hair. Those annoying bitches starting calling me 30 minutes before meetings to say "where are you?" on these trips. UMM HELLO..the meeting is at 8am in our damned hotel, I'm not setting foot downstairs until 7:30 or 7:40...just in time for coffee and a snack. It was all I could do not to tell those catty bitches to go straight to hell. God I hate having to be nice to fuckwads at work.

    Have fun in Forks!! Sure wish I could be there.

  24. Uh-uh, that's funny as shit!

    I'm exactly the same way. I don't see color in the morning until I had coffee and don't even try to have a full conversation with me until the morning! My husband has that annoying habit of being chipper as fuck in the morning too. I tell him if he wants our marriage to last, He better not talk to me. He learns fast too.

    Have fun at forks

  25. I meant noon instead of morning about the full convo thing**


Comments are our life now. Leave one!