Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What Happens When Family Finds Out You're a Whore.

If you're new to Twitarded, you might not know that my twi-bloggy-lifestyle is super duper top secret with only a select few of my real life friends knowing of my identity... And absolutely NO ONE in my family knows that I blog. Not even my husband.

I'm sorry but I just can't allow my mother to become privvy to all the dirty, illegal things I want to do to RPattz that I often write about. Just can't do it. I don't need her to look at me like oh-my-god-my-daughter's-a-whore-and-what-did-I-do-to-deserve-this??! As far as I'm concerned, my mother doesn't even know I have sex, ok? Let's put it this way - my mother having knowledge of what I blog about is the creative equivalent of krypotnite! Or getting kicked in the creative nuts. Bye bye Latchkey Wife... it's been nice knowing ya.

My mom is like kryptonite... she kills super bloggy powers!

So last week one of my cousins (who is also a huge Twilight fan) texted me with her plans of heading to Forks with the group. I nearly SHIT. MY. PANTS! Wha-wha-whaaaaaaat?? Fuck me, my cover will be blown! The secret identity I've worked so hard to keep under wraps will be compromised. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck meeeeeeeeeeee!

It's not like I've kept my general Twilight obsession a secret from my family, they definitely all know how much I love it. But I wasn't sure just how much my cousin knew. I mean she knew of my friendship with JJ and STY. She knew I saw Eclipse in NYC with them. How long would it be before she knew who I really was?? Ah ma GAHD! I am so dead.

What? Edward Cullen won't be waiting in front of my house leaning up against his Volvo? Fuck. That sucks.

After I got her first text about going to Forks, I went into total panic mode. I couldn't even respond to her, I was freaking out so bad. That's when JJ, STY and Myg stepped in with a Skypervention. Someone needed to talk me off the fucking ledge. And it worked... I would be ok with my cousin knowing my true Twi-bloggy identity, but I needed to tell her in person.

And then I got this text... "Hey, can we get together next week I have either Thurs or Fri night or this Sunday. Eclipse before it's gone? Miss Latchkey lol your jig is up buhawhaw."

To put it eloquently, I was busted.

If I nearly shit my pants when she said she wanted to go to Forks, the poo was falling out my pant leg after I got this text. Holy shit.

Um... I think the photo says it all.

Luckily I have an ultra cool cousin who totally understood the nature of this beast - being a crass, dirty-mouthed Twilight blogger - and she promised to keep my secret under lock and key. And the best part about this whole ordeal? (Besides the fact that it's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.) She said she's proud of me! I love her... as long as she keeps it in the vault.

Bring your secrets right in here please!

So when you meet Double Dippin (that's her Twitter handle) in Forks, give her a big hug and a smoochy too. She's a fucking riot and lots and lots of fun!!

P.S. - If she doesn't keep that shit in vault, Twitarded's gonna go all Soprano on her ass!! LOL!!

47 comments:

  1. OMG I'm first...woohooooo!!!

    Sorry had to get that in there.

    Your cuz sounds super cool LKW...she's proud of you just like we are.

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  2. OMFG!!! I really.. REALLY love your blog!!! Makes me so, so sooooooooo happy!!! I love it a lot!! You're great dear... Really do... Thanks for making my day happy! I'll never stop reading your blog.... make sure that.
    You and I love, love RPattz .. ever. What do you think of him I also think a thousand times every day, all day!

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  3. I didn't out you...just sayin'. :)
    Can't wait to meet your cousin!!!
    xo J

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  4. Who knew that our deep dark obsessions would bring us to this point in out lives??I have actually left comments on her posts before I even knew it was her.LMFAO..she is very talented and a super cool writer, And fuck yeah I am proud of her..It's like that. Can't wait to meet ya'll in FOOOOORKS!!!!we gona bring it like it ain't been brought..Super big CUZ- FORT KNOX BABY..

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  5. OMG, I remember the tweet that LKW sent went she suspected being outed and I panicked for her. Glad to see it all turned out alright.

    But so help me, if any of my family ever finds out about this little obsession I'm gonna totally freak the fuck out. Jus sayin.

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  6. I have bonded w/my 21 yr old niece over Twilight. I'm 43 and TOTALLY in the closet with my huge obsessiveness. I mentioned Twitarded to her the other day and she freaked. "I LOVE Twitarded". Girlies, it was on like donkey kong. We're now deep into fan fic and comparing Robporn. *sigh* It's nice having one person in on it. altho, ONE person is plenty.

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  7. Well I'm glad it all worked out and your secret is safe in the vault.

    I can't wait to hang with so many cool peeps at Forks.

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  8. OMG! I nearly freaked the fuck out for you!!! What a scare! I totally get it. I live in fear that my boss or someone from RL will find me on the interwebs!

    But - get this - I'm bringing my 25-yr-old daughter with me to FFFooorrrkkkssss!!! She doesn't really read all the blogs daily, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know about the comments, so . . .

    She's cool. Except when she's had too much to drink. Then she has a tendency to spill her guts. I hope I can trust her to keep her mouth shut after we come home. What happens in Forks stays in Forks! Right chicas?

    Oh No. This was probably a BAD idea. She may learn way too much about her mom before that long weekend is over! As in scarred for life - bring on the brain bleach!

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  9. double_dippin is your cousin? Uh-oh. *off to reread my tweets to @Double_Dippin*

    Lisa

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  10. No one has to recheck there tweets because nothing was ever spilled..For real I found out by sheer accident, but like I said before it's all good, I'm here doing the same thing and like Latchkey, my fams knows nada and I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY!!!Just here to be twitarded and have a great time with some very funny,naughty,psychotic, lovable peeps. See ya in FOORKS!!

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  11. LOL!! I think you're going to fit right in to this crazy ass group, dd. I look forward to meeting you in FFFOOORRRKKKSSS!!!

    Lisa

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  12. "Anonymity is important to us all."
    Well, at least to me.

    So jealous that some of you actually know each other. You are so couragous (seriously) to go to Foooorks.

    (sign me),Really fucking envious.

    xx

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  13. @LKW--I am swelling with pride right now. So, so proud of you.

    @Double_Dippin--Welcome to LKW's other family. Heh.

    FFFOOOORRRRRKKKKSSSSS!!!!!

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  14. @LKW--I am swelling with pride right now. So, so proud of you.

    @Double_Dippin--Welcome to LKW's other family. Heh.

    FFFOOOORRRRRKKKKSSSSS!!!!!

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  15. Ok, maybs I'm being a little over dramatic here, but I think I just discovered that your last name is not Latchkey...

    Is Latchkey like, the name of your subdivision?

    Am I totally naive nation right now? Does anyone use their real name anymore? My name is Courtney, in case you're wondering. This is similar to how I felt when STY replied to an email once and signed off as "Debbie". I was like, "Who's Debbie?"

    I think we need a whole new blog post on how cousin put two and two together here. I mean, if you're both Twitards and you're discussing the blog and talking about hanging with the girls in NYC and then she heads over to Twitarded and reads verbatim what you just described over the telly, then perhaps you were hoping to be found out, no? I need a little more back story.

    At least now you can bask in the glory of being a crass, dirty-mouthed Twilight blogger. Don't be surprised if she has girl crush next time you see her. It's not weird that I said that even though you're cousins. I used to have a crush on one of my cousins, so it's fine.

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  16. @Rugbymom- NOOO! What happens in Forks does NOT stay in Forks. I guess you don't have to give names (mostly), but antics must be shared. That's what this blog is about, and those of us who can't be there need to be regaled.

    @LKW- phew. really glad your outing was a good one.

    OK, I'm really going to China now. Well, in a few hours. Must start packing.

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  17. I needs my anonymity in this shit! I work for a charity that uses Facebook, Twitter and Blogger for businessy stuff and I would be DEAD should the two ever meet. Hence the need for an alternate Facebook, email address, etc. It's hard work being a closet twitard!

    However, I did feel the need to 'get to know' my fellow twitard-tweeters (argh!) a little better this week so have changed my twitter avi up to include my photo (thanks again Lisa). After 'talking' to all you ladies for this long I needed to show a little bit of me!

    I second Courtney's post above about more deets please on how cousin one and cousin two made the connection! We [heart] you LKW xx

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  18. @italhurts Of course we'll share the good times here!

    I just don't want her to share them with dad, TheRugbyboy, & extended family when we get home!

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  19. Yup, I can understand your panic. Glad it all worked out, and in a rather entertaining fashion (well, for us readers anyway)! Now I want to hear how Double_Dippin made the connection!!

    Y'all are going to have so much crazy fun in Forks! I'm so jealous, but will console myself with a business trip to London, and possible RPattz stalking-er, I mean sight-seeing.

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  20. @italhurts -- off topic, just love your avatar! so happy to have 50 back in action.

    Glad to hear that LKW and Double_Dippin have bonded over their mutual obsession and would also love to know how the discovery happened. Gotta be a cool story!

    Elle207

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  21. I'm glad that it all worked out. I agree with the others in that we need the whole story as to how your cousin found out!

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  22. My twi life is mostly secret, although a few have been told that I dabble in writing a bit (only because I am at my computer a lot.

    My teenage sons know almost the full extent which gives them a lot of ammunition when I complain about how addicted they are to xbox live gaming.

    Sadly they became extremely aware of said writing/blogging/twittering in one fell swoop - one night I was writing a new chapter of a smutty fic while checking out Perv Packs Smut Shack blog page and of course,Twitarded blog page and I got distracted by a phone call. I was only steps away from laptop for a few seconds when 16yo and friend sat down to download music. Me running like KStew to the laptop not quite in time to slam it closed.

    16yo in half laugh/half traumatised voice: Mum what the hell are you writing about - words seen cock, stroke, mouth...wet... you get the picture.

    And that's not all...about 2 weeks later the boys had a few friends over and all these 16yos flirted with me.... when I said something the next day to the son he said that the friend had told all of their mates that I was the coolest mum ever because I wrote sex books...gah!

    Not exactly the rep I want around school.

    On Sunday I am taking the big step of meeting a fellow twihard in person...my own little Fooorks trip without the rain, and the woods, and in the big city in Australia...but you know what I mean...

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  23. JMFHF i'm glad we finally got THAT out of the way! Because I thought you were gonna be lost to us for a moment or two there...

    and hey everyone - i am in Savannah with family and my laptop DIED. AGIAN. JUST LIKE IT DID AT BLOGHER!! only this time i have to wait 'til I get back to Joisey to [maybe] get it fixed. so sorry i haven't been around much. believe me, it hurts me more than it hurts you... aaaaand I am sitting here hogging the one computer in the "business center" of my hotel typing all this stuff up - lo....

    miss y'all! greetings from way further south than i usually venture!

    : )

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  24. LMFAO! That is the best story ever! I've seen LKW's tweets about being outed and I was afraid we were going to lose her! And double_dippin is someone I just started following on Twitter! I love the connection!

    My online Twilight/RPattz obsession is on the downlow also. The family and friends in RL know that I love it but they don't really know the extent of it and anytime I mention anything that I may have seen online, I get the eyeroll from the girlchild and the D/H.

    Like every one else, you guys are my "other" family and I hope to meet a lot of you at some time. Unfortunately, this is one chicka who can't make it to FFFOORRRKKSSS with the rest of you twatwaffles (DH and I already have a trip to Vegas planned and the budget doesn't allow for 2 trips in 6 months)so there better not be any secrets left in WA because those of us sitting at home impatiently waiting for all the dirty news and pictures will find you beotches and torture will ensue! (although with the recent post from JJ, it may be something she enjoys! :) )

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  25. Haha, this is a great story. Don't ever come out of the closet LKW, because I want to read more stories like this one.

    Your cousin rocks.

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  26. Someone on my blog called me a misogynist, but I fugging love you and your friends. Thanks for being awesome. Kicks in the creative nutz are good for us.

    The Fred Effect: News Headlines

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  27. LKW, when I saw your tweet, I panicked. Like, kick in the stomach, blood draining from face, trembling panic. I have never had such an empathetic reaction for someone I don't even know! I'm so glad you told us this story. This sounds like it is turning out to be a good thing. I have total faith in d_d and that this will just make you both happier and closer.
    My husband is acutely aware of my twitarded nastiness & ff addiction, so at least I don't have to hide anything at home. But if ANYONE else found out, I would just go out back, dig a hole and crawl in. I'm pretty sure I would be ruined.

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  28. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Double_Dippin discovered my true identity on Twitter. I'm bad about being top secret. I recently posted a photo that, if you know me well, is a dead giveaway because it's like my prized photo! I've probably said some shit that would totally give me away too... Am I red D_D??

    I'm so glad it's out in the open and we can both continue to express ourselves, with no judgements, within this incredibly awesome community!

    *Mwah!*

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  29. LKW...I am so happy for you! And jealous!
    Midnight Raven (Nancy)

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  30. Yes, LKW..It was kinda like that, I have been following Twitarded for some time now commenting every now and then(even on LKW's blogs) what can I say she's fucking hilarious. Mostly done anonymously. I knew of LKW's obsession with Twilight, because like me, she was a repeat offender. I stumbled across Twitter recently and got addicted (yes I have no life outside of Twilight). So when I had mentioned going to Forks to LKW(way back)-she told me she wanted to do her own thing(now we know why).But me being me, I took it upon myself to find a way to go..and-me- wanting to get to know the people going, started to "tweet". The comments that sealed the deal for me was. 1.-about sunny Maine. B.-a trip to Denali- plus, I knew you had a connection- PLUS+ We are related- so we have that universal cosmic connection..I'm just never going to ever eat at your mom's house.(Pissin in Fridge) that was-pissin my own pants-the best(lips sealed- but am I going to laugh at Uncle every time I look at him now?). So there you have it.It was meant to be-and I look forward to many a naughty conversation with LKW. She's my girl MUHAW..(((LOVES))) + smootches..TOODLES

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  31. I love this. It really struck a cord with me today. I live in constant fear my friends & family will discover I am a Twitter whore. Very few know about my obsession with Twilight and none of my rl peeps know about my alternate Twitter account. I think some of my friends & family would be horrified to learn how I spend my time and how many hours in a day I dedicate to Twilight-related activities.

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  32. @LKW: OMG-I don't know how you've kept it under wraps. The husband hasn't noticed all the time you spend on the computer?

    Anywho- glad you're not in the Twicloset w/ your cool cousin.

    (BTW I was given a FSE this weekend at a the NJ Twi Convention.. He's going behind my office door- where no one will notice, right?)

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  33. Yes, and in LKW's follow up blog on this story, I think we need further detail on how she keeps her bloggy life under wraps. I spend loads of time on the puter and don't blog nearly as much Twitarded.

    So, LKW, how do you keep this under lock and key? If I do recall...you said your husb works nights, so you can do this without him ever knowing? *Just Curious and Amazed*

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  34. I guess I will follow the @DoubleDippin that just started following me on Twitter LOL!!! I wondered who they were. Any friend (or family) of LKW is a friend of mine :) Welcome aboard the crazy train!

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  35. Awesome! I should have guessed @Double_Dippin was related to LKW! I've had some fun conversations with DD on twitter and noticed she was in Maine and went, "I wonder if she's knows LKW in real life?" Haha!

    Really glad, LKW, that you were busted by a family member that "gets" it.

    Can't wait to see you all in FFFOOOOORRRRRKKKKKKSSSSSS!!!

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  36. Well this is just too fucking funny. A week ago my FOOOORRKS roommate and I were FB chatting and she still was apprehensive about making the trip as to not make waves with her COUSIN. I'm sure I said something to the effect of, "Fuck it!! If you want to go, just go! There's so many people going anyway you may never see her." I hope that doesn't offend you LKW - I had finally gotten a roomie and selfishly didn't want to lose her. I had even seen the I'm-on-the-verge-of-a-panic-attack LKW's tweets. I can't believe I didn't put 2+2 together, Christ they're both in the same state! Today DD texts me asking if I've read the blog yet. I go immediately here and get the surprise of the day! I text her back, "Small fucking world." Yes, it truly is.

    I also found out one of the women I'm carpooling with between SEA-TAC and FORKS grew up 20 miles from me. I'm sure there will be lots of stories like that, the 6 (or 1) degrees of TWITARDED separation.

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  37. Jesus Motherfucking Unicycle Riding CHRIST!! I got hiccups from laughing so much!! One of my favorite Twitarded posts EVAH. This needs to go into the Best Of. Like now.

    You know, LKW...It could have been worse. It could have been your MIL, or a nosy neighbor or something. Instead, it's your badass cousin who we are gonna love.

    Oh, and don't worry. If something happens and Double Dippin' cracks under pressure (or too much booze), we will back you the hell up and make sure you don't have anything to worry about. Cuz we yo bitches, bb. Fo realz.

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  38. I'm actually jealous. I let my SIL in on my fanfic obsession but I haven't even had the chance to discuss if she read any of the smut yet. Besides that I am totally in the closet and I have sworn her to secrecy. Every time I hear everyone talking about Forks, I get totally jealous. I so wish I could come and blame it on a business trip but alas it is not to be and I will have to live vicariously through all of you.

    Boo Hoo.

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  39. If this ends badly you will be come the meal!

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  40. @rottymama lol..There is no end...this is forever..

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  41. I nearly pissed myself reading this, it was so funny.

    Personally, I don't have a problem with people knowing about my obsession. That's probably because a) I don't get passionate about anything so it's good I have something now, b) they now know what to get me for birthdays and Christmas, c) I could verbally eviscerate them if they give me a hard time :D What I DO have a problem with is the fact that I can't go to Foooorks with y'all (unless my soon to be D/H gets that job with Amazon.com and I can feign house-hunting as my reason for going...)

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  42. I'm actually jealous. I let my SIL in on my fanfic obsession but I haven't even had the chance to discuss if she read any of the smut yet. Besides that I am totally in the closet and I have sworn her to secrecy. Every time I hear everyone talking about Forks, I get totally jealous. I so wish I could come and blame it on a business trip but alas it is not to be and I will have to live vicariously through all of you.

    Boo Hoo.

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  43. Awesome! I should have guessed @Double_Dippin was related to LKW! I've had some fun conversations with DD on twitter and noticed she was in Maine and went, "I wonder if she's knows LKW in real life?" Haha!

    Really glad, LKW, that you were busted by a family member that "gets" it.

    Can't wait to see you all in FFFOOOOORRRRRKKKKKKSSSSSS!!!

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  44. Yes, and in LKW's follow up blog on this story, I think we need further detail on how she keeps her bloggy life under wraps. I spend loads of time on the puter and don't blog nearly as much Twitarded.

    So, LKW, how do you keep this under lock and key? If I do recall...you said your husb works nights, so you can do this without him ever knowing? *Just Curious and Amazed*

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  45. I guess I will follow the @DoubleDippin that just started following me on Twitter LOL!!! I wondered who they were. Any friend (or family) of LKW is a friend of mine :) Welcome aboard the crazy train!

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  46. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Double_Dippin discovered my true identity on Twitter. I'm bad about being top secret. I recently posted a photo that, if you know me well, is a dead giveaway because it's like my prized photo! I've probably said some shit that would totally give me away too... Am I red D_D??

    I'm so glad it's out in the open and we can both continue to express ourselves, with no judgements, within this incredibly awesome community!

    *Mwah!*

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  47. JMFHF i'm glad we finally got THAT out of the way! Because I thought you were gonna be lost to us for a moment or two there...

    and hey everyone - i am in Savannah with family and my laptop DIED. AGIAN. JUST LIKE IT DID AT BLOGHER!! only this time i have to wait 'til I get back to Joisey to [maybe] get it fixed. so sorry i haven't been around much. believe me, it hurts me more than it hurts you... aaaaand I am sitting here hogging the one computer in the "business center" of my hotel typing all this stuff up - lo....

    miss y'all! greetings from way further south than i usually venture!

    : )

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