We have two pets - an incredibly gorgeous Redtick Coonhound and a Cockatiel. And even though I am the one who feeds them and cleans their stuff, he's the one who gets all the loving attention. What. The. Fuck? Don't they know that they'd probably starve to death if I wasn't there at dinner time? Nooooooo... they look at him adoringly and follow him around, not knowing that for most of the animal kingdom, he's a merchant of death.
My pooch... stunning, isn't he? I tell him to do something, he looks at Mr. Latchkey Wife like "is she serious?" I get no respect!
So imagine my surprise one night (back when Mr. Latchkey Wife worked the late shift) when I got a frantic call from him. The exchange went a little something like this...
Mr. LKW: I just rescued a baby bird from the middle of the road, what do I feed it?I hung up and called my friend but she didn't answer and never called me back. Looks like the bird whisperer was on his own.
LKW: How the fuck do I know? You want me to call B (our vet tech and bird lover friend)? And where are you keeping this bird?
Mr. LKW: He's in my shirt pocket. Yeah, call her and let me know.
LKW: Um, I think whatever you feed it, you're going to have to chew it up and spit it into its mouth.
Mr. LKW: Oh, you're a fucking comedian.
LKW: Hey, so B never called me back.After chuckling about this for a while, I forgot about it and went to bed. I mean seriously, he stopped in the middle of the fucking road to rescue a tiny little bird from certain death on the yellow lines. This is a guy who prays for an unsuspecting deer to run out in front of him so he can hit it and take the meat home.
Mr. LKW: That's ok, I put the bird in a box and gave it a piece of bread.
LKW: Is he eating it?
Mr. LKW: Not sure but that's all I have.
The next morning as I left for work, I remembered our conversation about the bird and checked his car for any sign of our new pet. Nothing. I called him later that day...
LKW: Hey what happened to your baby bird?It wasn't the unfortunate death of the little bird that had me giggling over this story for days, but the sheer regret in my husband's voice as he told me of his feathered friend's demise. Don't get me wrong, I love animals too, maybe even more than he does, but the image of that poor baby birdy getting sucked out the window nearly killed me. I retold the story to my mother and seriously, I have never seen her laugh that hard in my entire life. I think she may have peed her pants a little. I know I did.
Mr. LKW: Um, that did not end well.
LKW: What do you mean?
Mr. LKW: I mean that I had him in a box on the front seat and he started getting all fiesty and fluttering around. I had the windows open and when he tried to fly, he must have gotten caught up in the breeze because he was sucked out of my car window doing 65 mph.
LKW: Yikes! So much for all your hard work.
Mr. LKW: Ya, poor little fella.