Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Animal Killer or Animal Lover... or Both?

Most of you may know that my husband is an avid hunter - yes it's a sport to him, but it also keeps us fed. (Would this make him a vegetarian in the vampire world?) What I don't talk about that often is his sensitive side when it comes to all things furry. I know, I know... you're wondering how a guy who takes great pleasure in pumping Bambi full of bullets can actually have a soft spot for animals too? I really can't put my finger in it, but he does. I know that a lot of you probably don't agree with hunting, but hey, we don't judge around here, even if Jenny Jerkface may or may not have acted relatively horrified when I told her that I have a deep freezer to keep moose meat in and not dead human bodies.

Dear husband, why can't you look like this? Love, Me.

We have two pets - an incredibly gorgeous Redtick Coonhound and a Cockatiel. And even though I am the one who feeds them and cleans their stuff, he's the one who gets all the loving attention. What. The. Fuck? Don't they know that they'd probably starve to death if I wasn't there at dinner time? Nooooooo... they look at him adoringly and follow him around, not knowing that for most of the animal kingdom, he's a merchant of death.

My pooch... stunning, isn't he? I tell him to do something, he looks at Mr. Latchkey Wife like "is she serious?" I get no respect!

So imagine my surprise one night (back when Mr. Latchkey Wife worked the late shift) when I got a frantic call from him. The exchange went a little something like this...
Mr. LKW: I just rescued a baby bird from the middle of the road, what do I feed it?
LKW: How the fuck do I know? You want me to call B (our vet tech and bird lover friend)? And where are you keeping this bird?
Mr. LKW:
He's in my shirt pocket. Yeah, call her and let me know.
LKW: Um, I think whatever you feed it, you're going to have to chew it up and spit it into its mouth.
Mr. LKW: Oh, you're a fucking comedian.
I hung up and called my friend but she didn't answer and never called me back. Looks like the bird whisperer was on his own.
LKW: Hey, so B never called me back.
Mr. LKW: That's ok, I put the bird in a box and gave it a piece of bread.
LKW: Is he eating it?
Mr. LKW: Not sure but that's all I have.
After chuckling about this for a while, I forgot about it and went to bed. I mean seriously, he stopped in the middle of the fucking road to rescue a tiny little bird from certain death on the yellow lines. This is a guy who prays for an unsuspecting deer to run out in front of him so he can hit it and take the meat home.

I will name him George and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him.

The next morning as I left for work, I remembered our conversation about the bird and checked his car for any sign of our new pet. Nothing. I called him later that day...
LKW: Hey what happened to your baby bird?
Mr. LKW: Um, that did not end well.

LKW: What do you mean?

Mr. LKW: I mean that I had him in a box on the front seat and he started getting all fiesty and fluttering around. I had the windows open and when he tried to fly, he must have gotten caught up in the breeze because he was sucked out of my car window doing 65 mph.

LKW: Yikes! So much for all your hard work.

Mr. LKW: Ya, poor little fella.
It wasn't the unfortunate death of the little bird that had me giggling over this story for days, but the sheer regret in my husband's voice as he told me of his feathered friend's demise. Don't get me wrong, I love animals too, maybe even more than he does, but the image of that poor baby birdy getting sucked out the window nearly killed me. I retold the story to my mother and seriously, I have never seen her laugh that hard in my entire life. I think she may have peed her pants a little. I know I did.



  2. That is just too funny. I feel horrible for the poor little bird but the image of it getting sucked out the window is just hilarious.

  3. OMFG LKW I am PMSL because my neighbor had 2 parakeets once. Oddly enough one died so she decided to take them both to the vet to see if the other was sick...and to properly dispose of the deceased. In the car on the way to the vet..somehow...the bird that was alive flew out the window going about 40mph..Sionara Chickadee!

    Hunting: meh.....I have a Mom and Sis who are vegetarians and a boyfriend who grew up hunting in Minnesota. I'm torn.

    xo J

  4. Fuck, that was funny! Mr. Lannis is a hunter, too, and has had a similar encounter--except it involved a baby bunny he ended up staring after in horror as our (more competent hunter) cat scooped it up and trotted away...

    Thanks LKW for making me laugh! S'been a long day... :/

  5. Aaww. Your hubby is so sweet.

    That poor bird - but anything flying unexpectedly out of a car window at 65mph is kinda hilarious. Especially since your hubby was trying to be so kind to the little fella. I would have loved to have seen the look of shock (I assume) on his face when that thing got sucked outta the car. LOL!

    And we don't know... that little birdie could have totally survived. I'm gonna believe he did.

  6. Awww poor little birdy! I think every man has a soft spot for little furry things :)

    On a totaly diff subject....I'm trying to find a fan fiction that my friend wants to read, but i cant for the life of me remember what the fuck it was called! Ugh i remember Bella is stuck in an elevator with Edward and they get it on and he turns out to be the person that works under her at her new office. Does anyone know which one im talkin about?? :)

  7. That may be one of the saddest things I have ever heard.

    My dad is also a hunter and an animal lover. I think it's a redneck thing. Anyway, when I was a kid he found a pigeon that was injured and we kept it in an empty dog kennel in our back yard and my dad took care of it until it was better. He even named it Walter. After the pigeon was healthy, it kept coming back to the house. It wouldn't leave and it kept returning for years after that too. We could not get rid of the thing.

    If I only I could find and injured RPattz and nurse him back to health. Sigh.

  8. HAHAHAHAA! Something must be in the water lately...(I kid you not) A patient brought in a baby squirrel to her appointment this morning because she was nursing it back to health after it fell out of her tree.

    Awww but I like dudes that are really softies at heart!!

    Going Down?- by our own Texas Katherine
    *hilarious with lots of yummy lemons*

  9. LKW that ia fucking hilarious! I just about peed myself reading that he had the bird in his pocket & then I really did pee myself when the bird was sucked out the window. Too funny!

  10. I'm a sucker for animals too and especially baby animals, but this story had me seriously ROTFFL!! Poor little thing!

  11. LKW that is hilarious!!!

    I'm just really glad your deep freezer is for moose meat and not dead human bodies :)

  12. Seriously, this had my laughing my ass off: "to most of the animal kingdom, he's a merchant of death". Love it, @LKW!!

    I'm an uber animal lover to the point of vegetarianism/near veganism. But not the preachy, annoying kind. ;)

    I am choosing to believe as @Franki did and tell myself that he lived and flew to his mom's nest and lived happily ever after!

  13. OH! By the way, @LKW, your pupper *IS* stunning! :) <3

  14. Bwahahahahaha! That is awesome...and sad....but the visual is just too funny.

    Mr. VitR is a duck and pheasant hunter...and, yet, I have seen him sob like a baby when we had to put our pet rat down many years ago. Go figure.

    I wish Latchkey Pooch could come to Forks with us. He is most handsome.

  15. that story is both sweet and hilarious! I don't have a problem with hunting if it's done responsibly. Unfortunately there are a lot of jerks out there that just want to kill things :(

    ps-your pup is so handsome!!!

  16. So I've been lurking on your site for a while now, you gals crack me up and this one hand me peeing my pants, I can totally relate as type this my hubs is on a week long Elk hunting trip mine is an avid bow hunter he works for a archery company and lives and breaths hunting and fishing, and hunts anything that has fur or feathers our deep freezer is full of halibut and salmon from Alaska, Elk and Deer a Bear and a Moose if he gets another Elk I have no clue where the meat is going to go, he tried to put his last Deer mount above our bed and I had to put my foot down and said hell no, he tried to tell me that I could have something to grab onto during our nightly activites he's such an ass sometimes.

  17. I'm a lurker too, but I just had to comment. I can totally relate to you LKW. My hubby is an avid hunter too. I like to hunt too, just not as much as he does. I think most hunters do have a healthy respect for animal life. We have dogs, pigs, and cows on our farm. We love our furry friends. I also laughed hysterically at the mental image of that poor little bird being sucked from the car! I hope he made it too!
    And your doggy is beautiful. My dad raised bluetick coonhounds while I was growing up. I have a soft spot for coonhounds!
    Another great post from you wonderful ladies.

  18. I do also dabbling in the hunting too but I have one rule - I can't shoot anything with fur... which limits me. And I'm a horrible shot so the little animals are pretty safe with my at the trigger.

    @Kelly - I desperately want a Bluetick! They are possibly the cutest puppies ever!

  19. LKW! Good morning to laughter, yep. Almost pmsl!! " Um, that did not end well." BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHA

  20. oh there are tears streaming down my face. that's so easy to picture...

  21. Even funnier is when hunters get killed in accidents. That cracks my shit up.

  22. @Anonymous - You know what? Sometimes it's really hard to address people's comments when there are so many anonymous-es out there on the interwebs.

    So, I'm going to just call you Douchebag, instead. Because that's what's you are.

  23. LOL! I busted out laughing when I read the part about having to chew it up a bit and spit it into it's mouth! Hilarious!

  24. @Jenny Jerkface - totes agree with you.

    I am an unapologitic advocate for animal rights but...give me a break, I am more of an advocate for differences of opinion. I think the worst thing anyone can do is take away a human's or non-human animal's dignity. I am sure that Mr. LKW leaves the animals he hunts and kills their dignity in their death. What a coward anonymous is.

  25. amahahaha I nearly teed myself reading this. My husband is JUST like that. Hunting, camo, hunting dog, the works. But fucking loves animals. It's always puzzled me too. Oh, and my animals love him more, and I'm the main caregiver. Fucking traitors, I tell ya! lmao

  26. Oh, and even funnier is when anonymous haters get hit by buses.

  27. Seriously, this had my laughing my ass off: "to most of the animal kingdom, he's a merchant of death". Love it, @LKW!!

    I'm an uber animal lover to the point of vegetarianism/near veganism. But not the preachy, annoying kind. ;)

    I am choosing to believe as @Franki did and tell myself that he lived and flew to his mom's nest and lived happily ever after!

  28. LKW that ia fucking hilarious! I just about peed myself reading that he had the bird in his pocket & then I really did pee myself when the bird was sucked out the window. Too funny!


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