Well, to be fair, it also includes being crammed in a sweltering van with five other dudes and a shit ton of equipment for tortuously long periods of time, so maybe I'm not completely jealous.
Anyway, while he was off having the time of his life, I was schlepping my sorry ass to and from the train station in a hundred million degree weather, trying feebly to keep our garden alive and setting up Home Alone worthy booby traps around the house to keep the mass murderers and robbers out.
The moment the band van disappeared into the horizon, I began to strategize my defense. Well, that's not entirely true. First I rubbed one out. Then I began my plan.
Unfortunately, I'm not nearly as creative as that kid in the movie so my line of defense was an industrial sized Maglite that I slept with and a metal stepladder that I propped in front of my bedroom door at night.
I'm not talking about that pussy little pink pocket rocket one. I'm talking 'bout the big guns - that huge cocksucker one. I accidentally smacked myself in the head with one that size. Trust me, fucking hurts like a mother.
Not to toot my own my horn, but the stepladder-against-the-door is very effective. I can't tell you how many times I got up in the middle of the night to pee and scared the ever loving fuck out of myself because I forgot it was there, only to have it clatter loudly to the ground when I tried to open the door.
Apparently, I scream like a terrified fucking girl. Who knew?
I had it covered as far as safety was concerned while I slept but what about every other moment? Would people start to notice that I walked home alone every day (I switched up my route--take that, serial killers!!)? Or that I was the only one going in and out of the house? Or watering the garden? Or getting drunk on the porch?
And then one day, as I rounded the corner into my dining room and had a mild heart attack, I came up with the best idea ever.
Full Size Edward Security Company (patent pending, you twats).
Are you all by your lonesome, waiting like a fucking sitting duck for killers, hooligans, and thieves and maybe even a mythological creature or two to come and pick you off?
Not anymore, my lovely little donkey fuckers.
Have a window that needs a little more robber-deterrent? Maybe it's on a dark side of the house or the locks are broken. Or perhaps you haven't bothered to fix it since the last time some douche nozzle broke into your crib.
FSES Co. has got you covered.
Dude, I can run like the wind and I'm hard as marble. I will fuck you up. Wait, that didn't come out right.
Want to show the creepy neighbor across the way who always seems to be "going for a walk" when you shuffle out to the porch but you just fucking know he's actually trying to gauge the size of your melon-head to see if it fits in his collection of "gigantic chick heads" that he hides in an old army trunk in the basement?
FSES Co. can help.
Hey, possibly psycho-killer-neighbor, don't come any closer or we'll give you some head to talk about. Fuck, that didn't come out right.
Maybe you got home late and need to water the garden but you're a little apprehensive because you're almost positive their is a clan of rabid badgers or possibly Freddy Kreuger lurking out there in the darkness just waiting to get you?
FSES Co. will be right by your side.
I'll fuck you up Freddy--- wait, did you say rabid angry badgers?? No way, lady, that wasn't in the contract. Fuck that shit. I'm outta here.
The best part of Full Size Edward Security Company isn't just that they'll protect your shizz AND you.
It's that they like to fucking party, too.