Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Full Size Edward Security Company, Inc.

Last month, ML took off for three weeks on a whirlwind tour of the US with his band. I'm not entirely positive what a tour entails but I'm sure it includes playing awesome shows, endless partying, pulling slightly homoerotic pranks on one another, meeting really cool people, and basically having the most fuckawesome time evvvvvvver.

Assholes.

Well, to be fair, it also includes being crammed in a sweltering van with five other dudes and a shit ton of equipment for tortuously long periods of time, so maybe I'm not completely jealous.

28 hours in a van stuffed to the gills? Yup, not so jealous any more.

Anyway, while he was off having the time of his life, I was schlepping my sorry ass to and from the train station in a hundred million degree weather, trying feebly to keep our garden alive and setting up Home Alone worthy booby traps around the house to keep the mass murderers and robbers out.

The moment the band van disappeared into the horizon, I began to strategize my defense. Well, that's not entirely true. First I rubbed one out. Then I began my plan.

Unfortunately, I'm not nearly as creative as that kid in the movie so my line of defense was an industrial sized Maglite that I slept with and a metal stepladder that I propped in front of my bedroom door at night.

I'm not talking about that pussy little pink pocket rocket one. I'm talking 'bout the big guns - that huge cocksucker one. I accidentally smacked myself in the head with one that size. Trust me, fucking hurts like a mother.

Not to toot my own my horn, but the stepladder-against-the-door is very effective. I can't tell you how many times I got up in the middle of the night to pee and scared the ever loving fuck out of myself because I forgot it was there, only to have it clatter loudly to the ground when I tried to open the door.

Apparently, I scream like a terrified fucking girl. Who knew?

I had it covered as far as safety was concerned while I slept but what about every other moment? Would people start to notice that I walked home alone every day (I switched up my route--take that, serial killers!!)? Or that I was the only one going in and out of the house? Or watering the garden? Or getting drunk on the porch?

And then one day, as I rounded the corner into my dining room and had a mild heart attack, I came up with the best idea ever.

Full Size Edward Security Company (patent pending, you twats).

Yooooooou shalllllllll noooooooot paaaaaaaaasssss!!! Or we'll glower disapprovingly at you.

Are you all by your lonesome, waiting like a fucking sitting duck for killers, hooligans, and thieves and maybe even a mythological creature or two to come and pick you off?

Not anymore, my lovely little donkey fuckers.

Have a window that needs a little more robber-deterrent? Maybe it's on a dark side of the house or the locks are broken. Or perhaps you haven't bothered to fix it since the last time some douche nozzle broke into your crib.

FSES Co. has got you covered.

Dude, I can run like the wind and I'm hard as marble. I will fuck you up. Wait, that didn't come out right.

Want to show the creepy neighbor across the way who always seems to be "going for a walk" when you shuffle out to the porch but you just fucking know he's actually trying to gauge the size of your melon-head to see if it fits in his collection of "gigantic chick heads" that he hides in an old army trunk in the basement?

FSES Co. can help.

Hey, possibly psycho-killer-neighbor, don't come any closer or we'll give you some head to talk about. Fuck, that didn't come out right.

Maybe you got home late and need to water the garden but you're a little apprehensive because you're almost positive their is a clan of rabid badgers or possibly Freddy Kreuger lurking out there in the darkness just waiting to get you?

FSES Co. will be right by your side.

I'll fuck you up Freddy--- wait, did you say rabid angry badgers?? No way, lady, that wasn't in the contract. Fuck that shit. I'm outta here.

The best part of Full Size Edward Security Company isn't just that they'll protect your shizz AND you.

It's that they like to fucking party, too.

Hey, no, it's totally cool that you brought extra seats but we're all good. We'll just stand.

59 comments:

  1. at last...just the excuse I've been looking for for this ol gal to buy a $40 FSE! Or perhaps 3 of them stiffies!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love it! Where do I sign up!! Loved the part about the Home Alone style burgler traps. I do the same stuff when my husband is away too! Love that Eclipse FSE is wearing the crown from the NYC premiere!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ha! I've utilized FSE Security before too. Note this, though, girls: if you're going on vacay and leave FSE just inside the front door, set a reminder in your phone the day you return telling you he's there. Otherwise, you're likely to scare the shit out of yourself upon your return - or worse, your poor sweet husband, who was waiting in the car (and possibly honking the horn) before you left, and was not aware that you placed E just inside the door. And who may yell profanities, drop a suitcase on his foot, and then refuse to talk to you for the rest of the night.

    Sometimes I wonder how I'm still married.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Rabid badgers...fucking hilarious! Yeah I laughed til I snorted a little! Thanks JJ, I needed that today!

    ReplyDelete
  6. BAHAHAHAHA!!

    Ooooo!! I'd like to hire the FSES security company!!! I got used to living in an apartment building where no one could see in our apartment and now this whole windows at ground level thing is really interefering with my sense of security and privacy. I need a FSE to leer out the windows.

    p.s. file this under best of Twitarded.

    ReplyDelete
  7. That will absolutley deter the fuckers who want to mess with you.

    It is now possible to die from laughing. You are safe.

    *ducks behind laptop*

    ReplyDelete
  8. effing hilarious, JJ! A trunk with gigantic chick heads, who doesn't have one of those?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Bwahahaha... We have the same big ass MagLight flashlight, it makes a wounderful weapon. Luckily I have five dogs that constantly surround me, although only one of them may or may not protect me. But the bad ass axe murderer need not know that.
    I live in a rual area and we are quite seculded from the road, I'm always worried about shit like axe murderes and such. But lately my biggest worrie is cougars, not the I like younger men type courgars. But the I'm gonna munch on your fat ass for supper type. There has been one spotted in our area lately, which really freaks me out. Luckily I haven't spotted it or it hasn't spotted me yet. If I do spot that sucker I'll be calling my brother in law the great white hunter to come save my ass from it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. @tankergirl - you're right! $40 is a small price for peace of mind. Now I have no excuse not to get one. And probably some of his baby brothers - the cats need protection too!

    On behalf of VitaminR and myself, I can testify that yes, indeed, ML got to meet cool people on his road trip. Along with a Mini-E and bottles of Rainier. He was thrilled to discover he could cross the entire country and still be plagued by Edward.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Well that is just fucking brilliant. But I think you should have put NM Edward in the garden and then broke up with him and left his ass there. LOLOL!

    ReplyDelete
  12. hillarious post!

    my husband works late, so usually i sleep with a paring knife and my cell phone on my nightstand. i would like to employ the FSES Co. they can keep me safe and surround me with delicious scenery. i love multitasking.

    ReplyDelete
  13. LMAO! Awesome post/photos! Eclipse FSE looks all "WTF you lookin' at? Mind your bidness before I kick your ass!" I would totally hire him, BK crown 'n all.

    ReplyDelete
  14. That' awesome. LMAO!!!

    My sister could have used FSE security a couple weeks ago when her place got jacked... those douches even stole her fucking Twilight DVD from the DVD player and even went and got the case from another room, stupid MF'ers

    ReplyDelete
  15. I know what you mean about the flashlight--ours is called "Big Red." Maglites rock!
    DH thought it would be HILARIOUS to put FSE in the bathtub last week, so when I schlepped half-asleep in there to head off to bed, there he was, and yeah--screamed like a little girl, too, and then laughed myself silly.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I would love to have a security squad composed of only FSEs. But alas, there are two problems to that:
    1. My housemates will not approve.
    And
    2. One of the said housemates is a hot British man, and I want to be his girlfriend by the end of the school year. FSE is going to jeopardize those chances.

    ReplyDelete
  17. "Reasons I need a FSE #1394875193248571204720938502139475198619823745."

    Thanks.

    P.S. "First I rubbed one out. Then I began my plan." Yes. Isn't that how things roll when the DH/SO leaves town?! G-d knows that's how my mornings go with The Bentist leaves for work 1.5 hrs before I need to be anywhere......

    ReplyDelete
  18. I am handing this post to my hubby and see if he will finally let me get the Full Sized Carlisle!!! How can he resist if he knows it will protect me when he isn't home? I love it!!

    Thanks for this perfect public service announcement.

    ReplyDelete
  19. "Or we'll glower disapprovingly at you."

    Still laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Not that I'm not jealous of the fact that you have all three FSEs, because I am, but I'm more jealous that ML took a road trip. Why can't I get my hubby to take one. Damn it!

    Do you think ML will use your security tactics while we're in FFFOOORRRKKKSSS???

    @tankergirl - They had Eclipse FSE at my local FYE store for $29.99.

    @Mrs. P - How do you think that shit up? Too funny.

    @franki - LMFAO!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. PMSL, perfect way to start out my birthday, why cram for my test in 7 hours when I can be trolling the twi-net!!I commend the awesomeness of this post and love the shit out of FS Eclipseward in the BK crown..I need that on a t shirt with the "have it your way" motto..

    ReplyDelete
  22. Do you know what I freak'n love most about this blog? The comments are almost as hillarious as the article itself. I have to stop and read them all and LMAO the entire time. I especially like how a) you took pictures of stiff Edward all over your house (inside and out) and b) @My After Car Is An XKR's story about setting a reminder for yourself. *snort*

    ReplyDelete
  23. Ha ha, I can just picture you schlepping the Edward triplets around your house for photo ops while Mrs. Kravitz next door peeks through her curtains wondering what the hell you're doing!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I totally stick my suited up NM FSE at my back French doors when we are out of town to ward off robbers. So far so good. That little bugger has scared the shit out of me so many times I figured he may scare the shit on some people that might be thinking of breaking into my house.

    JJ--I am admittedly a wee bit jealous that you have an 'Ahhhmy of FSEs'. You better be folding those hotties up and packing them in your bag for FFFOOORRKKKSS!

    ReplyDelete
  25. PMSL@ Dude, I can run like the wind and I'm hard as marble. I will fuck you up. Wait, that didn't come out right.

    You are definitely onto something big (twss) here JJ!! And maybe you've given me the excuse I need to finally order three FSEs. After all, Mr. NotSmitten wants to keep me safe, right?!

    ReplyDelete
  26. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  27. PMSL
    At last a legitimate excuse for a FSE that my husband might go for :)

    JJ you're a genius x

    ReplyDelete
  28. "First I rubbed one out."

    Does that mean what I think it means????? :-o If so, I'm glad it's not just me who likes to prioritise my *cough* alone-time *cough* appropriately.

    I so want a FSE. No, scratch that, I want 3 FSEs - preferably in place of Mr. Cougar and my 2 darling cubs. (I jest, of course.)

    Love this post!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Can't stop laughing, hilarious post, JJ! I'm sure you've heard this before but you, are a SUPER. GENIUS. I am totally onboard (hee hee, I'll be onboard him alright) with the FSES Co.

    And I have the same jumbo sized Maglite, except mine's green. Those things could seriously eff someone up. I also keep a small bat under the seat of my car. And I just bought this little alarm thingy that I clip to my purse. It looks cute (you'd never know what it is) but it lets out a wicked wail when pressed. I was a little afraid I'd accidentially set it off but so far, so good. A girl's got to be prepared!

    p.s. Happy Birthday, P_C!

    ReplyDelete
  30. LMFAO! I acquired a FSE a few weeks ago thanks to my lovely sister! She strategically placed him in my shower while me and the hubs were away on vacation(I wonder what twitarded bloggers gave her that idea...). Needless to say I screamed like a little girl when I discovered him! The screams quickly turned to SQUEEs and giggles when I realized that I FINALLY owned a FSE <3 : ) I will now by employing him as my security defense when the hubs is away because I too, worry about serial killers and psycho-homicidal-neighbors when home alone! Thanks for the idea, JJ! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  31. Dear Lord!!! How you come up with these things, I'm laughing so hard I can't write.

    The Cullen Boy's and Wolf Pack will make feel even more secure when my hubby is away, you guys are awesome for giving us these survival hints! Thanks!!!

    ReplyDelete
  32. @My After Car is an XKR - I have definitely had the "FSE as protection" thing backfire on me. I nearly pissed myself because I forgot that I had placed him strategically in front of the door.

    @Kintail - he did indeed get to meet cool people. Especially in Seattle. And I think he's given up on the idea that he'll ever escape Twilight related stuff, the poor guy.

    @Lindsay Rae and @Chloe Cougar - It's very important to utilize "alone time" as much as possible when the man is away, ya know? It's almost like a ritual at this point, lol.

    @Twilove1_Sue - Er, yeah, I'm pretty sure that photo shoot sealed my fate as being the weirdest person on the block. Neighbors were definitely watching me drag those things around my yard. And thanks to you - I have three to drag. Mwah!

    Annnd all these comments are killing me. I'm sitting at my desk snickering like a crazy person.

    ReplyDelete
  33. First of all, I must say that I love that in an effort to scare off others with the FSE posse, you end up scaring yourself shitless. So fucking funny!

    I have an FSE in my office at work (I think if he was at my house, the hubs would use him as target practice) and I can't tell you how many times I walk into my office in the morning and nearly piss myself thinking someone is there to kill me.

    Oh and JJ, I like the crown - nice touch. My FSE wears a red boa. He's fashionable like that!

    ReplyDelete
  34. First of all, I must say that I love that in an effort to scare off others with the FSE posse, you end up scaring yourself shitless. So fucking funny!

    I have an FSE in my office at work (I think if he was at my house, the hubs would use him as target practice) and I can't tell you how many times I walk into my office in the morning and nearly piss myself thinking someone is there to kill me.

    Oh and JJ, I like the crown - nice touch. My FSE wears a red boa. He's fashionable like that!

    ReplyDelete
  35. That was the funniest fucking shit I have read...That is so awesome...It makes me want to get a hold of my old friend Matt who used to run around in superman pj's...Why I have no idea, but it just does...LMFAO...You rock cocks...LOVE IT!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Glad to know i'm not the only h00r running for the night stand when the man leaves for a few hours!!!

    Def file in Best of Twitarded!!

    I wish i was going to FOOOOOORKS!!! :(

    ReplyDelete
  37. Imagining the look on the faces of your neighbors while you toted FSE through the yard is enough to make me piss myself.
    I am alone a lot and have enlisted FSE security. He still scares the shit out of me every morning I walk into the living room.

    ReplyDelete
  38. tell me something, does your husband makes you put all 3 of them out of the room when your are going to...er...entretain?

    or is he resigned to that, as well.

    if i had one, or 3, i would probably kick my husband out of the room instead.

    ;D

    ReplyDelete
  39. @KassieCullen - it was you, wasn't it? Is she also missing mini-Edward and her Twilight tshirts? Hmmm...

    ReplyDelete
  40. Perfect idea JJ!! A coworker put an FSE in our office one week and scared literally every person who came in in the morning. Humm, Edward in the dark...could be useful in more ways than one.
    We also discussed how he could be helpful in taking the HOV lane!

    Happy birthday @P_C! Wish you luck on getting the FOOOOOORRRRKKKSS tix!!

    ReplyDelete
  41. I need to start putting my FSE to work. All he does is watch me iron.

    ReplyDelete
  42. aww thanx for the birfday love everyone :) I'm keepin my toes crossed that I'll get my golden ticket tonight but if I'm all dejected and pissy and lurky for a while well..you know, enjoy yourselves w/out me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  43. *whispers* I don't even have Robward cutouts...

    ReplyDelete
  44. That is classic! Love it. I might consider putting FSE in the window for Halloween, just for shits and giggles...and for sure the next time I'm scared.

    xo J

    ReplyDelete
  45. Love this post!! FSE Security Co, that's just great! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thought to use FSE to possibly scare people away when the hubs is gone. Well, that is until I scared myself too many damn times. Now he lives in my closet.

    @My After Car is an XKR- I love the idea of setting a reminder in your phone. I couldn't remember that I'd left him in the living room for just a few hours, I can't imagine if it was a week or so.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I'll confess... I'm still carting around the giant cardboard Edward/Jacob/FacelessBella from the Eclipse premiere Tent City in my trunk. There just isn't anywhere to put them without having to explain it to my husband. It was very embarrassing, when I had to call Triple A a few weeks ago to fix my flat tire.

    ReplyDelete
  47. LMFAO!!! I gotta get me FSES Co. on the payroll stat! Oh, you may want to get a trade mark for 'FSES Co.' too cause it's fucking awesome! Classic JJ!

    ReplyDelete
  48. I have been lurking about Twitarded for months, having an anonymous, vicarious cackle from afar... this post convinced me to sign up. You guys are just too funny. Can't resist any longer. Thought my secret twitardessness would fade but no such luck - I seem to be unhealthily addicted to fanfic and I'm still salivating over that poor boy ten months after I first happened on an online interview with him - so *sigh* I give up. I am finally throwing myself into this insane, fucked up circus ring.

    Anyways (as you yankees say) re FSEs, I was thinking that three or more is a good thing as they could do shift work while you're hubby is away - one to protect your nest, one to lie next to you in bed so you don't get lonely and one to pretend to do the dishes. Personally speaking, that would pretty much replace my hubby. Nah, actually I'd need one more to sit/stand on the couch playing i-phone games to really fulfill the whole package...
    [KIDDING! I love him to bits and I'd never replace him for an FSE - well, not in bed, anyway. Maybe in the kitchen.]

    Anyway, greetings to all you Twitards. I'm freaking out at being part of this secret society - thank god the only entry requirement is having a google account and being seriously, wonderfully twiheadfucked. Easy peasy.

    ReplyDelete
  49. i started this last halloween, i was with my family, and my sisters friend was coming over. I forgot i had placed Edward(who i brought from portland all the way to NJ) near my window. Her friend called the freaking police! And then she called us from her car outside an said
    "Guys, there is someone in your house, upstairs." And my family not knowing about FSE spazzed out and ran out, i totally forgot about him, so i did too!

    So whenever i leave the house, i post him in a really big window/glass door.

    The first few weeks i had him, whenever i came into my bedroom from a shower, i'd automatically kick him in his...okay lets just say it AMAZING SPARKLEY PEEN, so he has a few dents there... But now i never get scared (i've had him for 2 years) I'm just like "oh hey eddie!" and then change infront of him... My dog really didnt like him at first, he would bark, and growl and then lunge....not cool.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Yes, EVERYONE should have a "EDWARD" in their home! There are SO many useful things you can do with him. I love cooking in the kitchen with him and waking up to his face every morning. I do move him around the house, knowing that it will scare someone in my family (sometimes it is myself). But I have to admit JJ, used as security when home alone is a priceless idea.

    ReplyDelete
  51. @hallelujababy
    "I seem to be unhealthily addicted to fanfic and I'm still salivating over that poor boy ten months after I first happened on an online interview with him - so *sigh* I give up."

    Ha! That's how/why I got my username!

    ReplyDelete
  52. When I saw the pictures of your Edwards I died laughing...my Edward is wearing a Burger King crown too! Sick minds think alike : )

    He is always in my guest room becsause if I move him around I foget about where I put him, then he ends up scaring the shit out of me. I totally scream like a girl!!!

    ReplyDelete
  53. You've got 3, I'm green with envy! I'd love one, but the DH would have a crap attack if I brought a FSE home. He thinks I hoard too much shit now!

    @IGiveUp - me too with my username

    stuff the DH I'm logging onto eBay now :)

    ReplyDelete
  54. thanks 'igiveup' and 'ivegotitbad2' - i can relate. I think my name (hallelujahbaby) came about because I can't stop staring at the sun that shines out of rob's arse. Really, it does! I'm bewitched and fucking bewildered! I am stuck in his gravitational pull, orbiting from afar! Praise the light!

    ReplyDelete
  55. effing hilarious, JJ! A trunk with gigantic chick heads, who doesn't have one of those?

    ReplyDelete
  56. at last...just the excuse I've been looking for for this ol gal to buy a $40 FSE! Or perhaps 3 of them stiffies!

    ReplyDelete
  57. Rabid badgers...fucking hilarious! Yeah I laughed til I snorted a little! Thanks JJ, I needed that today!

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!