Friday, September 3, 2010

I Don't Need to See Your Ass Crack. Really.

Driving to work this morning, I was reminded of something very important: I hate when people show me their ass crack. I'm pretty sure they don't know they're showing it to me specifically, or how much I despise it, because ass-crack-exhibitionists are usually oblivious to the fact that said crack is hanging out. Don't you feel the breeze on your asshole, asshole? Chances are, it's because your pants are hanging too low and you've just made me throw up in my mouth a little.

Sorry... I couldn't resist. I've always been a "Just Say No" gal!

And is it just in my town, or is it always always always some big, fat, hairy dude who seems to forget his fucking belt every day? Or some chick whose jeans are four sizes too small? My metal-head friend and I went to a concert a few months ago - it was one of those concerts that attracts a lot of...how shall I say... "the more fashionably un-conscience." Lots of big hair, too-tight jeans and general dirt-baggy behavior. A great venue for people watching... and that's when I saw it... A rather chunky young girl - teenager probably (thankfully I wasn't that close) - who was wearing what may have been size 4 jeans on a size 12 body. Low rise, tight and they pretty much cut right across the middle of her ass. And with her too-short top not quite meeting the top of the jeans, it made for quite the butt crack disaster.

My thought exactly...

Fast forward to this morning... I'm driving to work, late because I had to have an iced coffee in order to even contemplate surviving the day... and I see a cute doggy on the sidewalk. Being a dog lover, I always have to check out the pup and of course, the owner. Big mistake. Big, big mistake. I looked over just in time to see the quite overweight, and of course hairy, older man bend over to do a little poopy scooping and was greeted with a large portion of his pooper. Not pretty. At all. And to make it worse, his dirty t-shirt barely covered his big beer belly. Why don't I learn and just keep my eyes on the fucking road? If only I hadn't stopped for that coffee, I would have missed that crack-tastrophe.

See? Worse things could've happened to dirty-t-shirt-guy's dog...

Tell me...why can't it ever be some extremely fuckhawt dude who's ass you want to see? I'll tell you why: because those bastids never forget their belt! And I think they know we want to see their bums so they keep them covered up just to spite us. But correct me if I'm wrong ladies, but I think we might just see RPattz's crack in Bel Ami... at least according to him, there's a lot of footage of his crack... if it doesn't end up in the movie, I'll be dumpster-diving at the studio to find the junk that landed on the cutting room floor! Oh, don't judge me... I know you h00rs will be right there with me!



Oh thank you sweet baby Jesus!

23 comments:

  1. Regardless of how crappy a day I've been having and how big a mood I'm in you guys always make me smile - Love ya all!!!

    and oh yes... RPatz - That is one crack I wont be saying no to ;) ROFL

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  2. Why is it the pretty ones always keep covered up LOL! Have they found a US distributer for Bel Ami yet? Can't have that gem kept from us.

    Crack kills :)

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  3. PMSL!!! OMG I see so many of those size 12 girls wearing size 4 jeans. Gaaah it's a cracktastrophe as you so eloquently declared.

    The fat hairy dudes are worse though, cause they just look filthy.

    Blech.

    xo J

    PS I will be dumpster diving with you. Best believe.

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  4. still looking for my vampSeptember 4, 2010 at 1:40 AM

    One of the main reasons I want to see Bel Ami - said ass.

    I am so on with the dumpster diving if it isn't in there. We can grab the film and have our own showing of the Best Parts of Bel Ami.

    I can't believe you saw that horror on a city street. I am usually bombarded with hairy ass crack/fat ass crack at Walmart. I just don't know what it is about that place...

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  5. So, this is me: The Twitard bitches linked another Rob vid!!! Click!!! Ohhh ... there's more!! Likey-clickey!! But wait....WTF did he just say???

    "REPLAY"

    Oh. My. Fucking. GAWD. I am 43. When I was about 7 or 8, my Mother & I were trolling the mall when we ran into my cooler-than-shit babysitter who was probably no more than 16 herself. She was with a big group of friends heading into the movies. Because my mom was the uber-hip mom on the street, the girls all start beggin us to come see the movie, too. It's a horror. My mother used to eat horror fucking movies for breakfast. I was still a big virgin. So I begged and begged as well. My mother swore that the movie was too skeery for a noob like me. I'd have none of that shit. We bought tickets. (OK, so my MOM bought tickets)

    Of course, I had nightmares for about 3 fucking years. I don't mean the, 'oh, I just woke and I'm a bit sweaty' kind. Oh, no. These were the gripping the sheets, squealing like a pig nightmares of Kirsten's rendition of Bella. Do you know that I can actually verify how long I had the nightmares? I can look up what year this horror-fucking movie was released and when the FUCKING-SEQUEL CAME OUT. I had just stopped having the stupid-fucking nightmares about 6 months prior.

    I can still remember hearing the hippies up the street blaring classic rock in their 1972 Econoline with fully carpeted interior. One day, as I was swinging on my all metal not-anchored-to-the-ground swingset, listening to their music (the liked great shit while they were getting stoned, evidently) and the music stopped, the DJ talked, and THE commercial came on. It went something like this: "The Davis' have just had a baby. The only problem is IT'S ALIVE." I believe that was for the original movie.

    A few months later; maybe even a year or so, Mom and I were at our local Safeway. I thought I was totes safe from all things horror (typed: hoorer = better) movie when I rounded a corner and came face-to-fucking-face with one of those metal-spinny-paperback book holders. Guess what movie's book was eyeball-to-scary cover with me? You GOT IT. My heart started THRUMMING and I took off like a bat out of hell. I have no idea where I was trying to go. Hell, I don't even know where my mother was at this point. So I just chose a random aisle and went to round that corner as well, grabbing the huge cardboard box at the end to use as a fulcrum. Unfortunately, that cardboard box was only barely filled with oranges. Evidently, I pulled just a WEE bit too hard on the box because there it went, off the table it was precariously perched on, and oranges went bouncing - in slow motion, of course - down the aisles, under the wheels of both shopping carts and wheelchairs alike.

    Fucking sucked.

    Till now. Do you know why?? Well, I was doing the previously mentioned Rob-likey-clickey-away thing when I tripped across this GEM of a clip. Do listen in, K???

    http://www.mtv.com/videos/movies/527431/robert-pattinsons-thoughts-on-the-twilight-saga-breaking-dawn.jhtml#id=1641546

    I fucking love my life. And WHY did my young honey go see that movie?? We must've had a similar early life experience. We are bonded, bitches. Sorry. ;)

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  6. The janitor at our school was named "Don." We called it "the crack of Don."

    the Fred Effect

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  7. Haha the most awesome thing about this post (besides the fact that it made me laugh my ass off and get some disgusting visuals) is that my last name is written on the picture drawn of the "crack hole" Yay for Mueller! I wish I could take credit for the drawing but unfortunately I'm not that talented.

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  8. I love it when you make me snort. I'm not a snort-laugher by any stretch, but every once in a while, I get to laughing so hard, a little piggy runs up my nostrils and makes a sound. I lovelove this post, LKW!

    We've all seen enough crack to make us want to go into rehab...But after I saw THESE, I just want to buy them in bulk and pass them out like those little green Bibles. Too bad they don't seem to come in different sizes... Oh! And the other "covers" on this site? HILARIOUS! I've met a few dogs who could use these! And I love that this blog is La Figa. Doesn't that mean "Pussy" in Italiano? I think so, Mafia Princeward....I think so.

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  9. LKW, next time you've got someone's coin slot staring you in the face drop something down in there. A small pebble perhaps or maybe a breath mint. Maybe one of those little American flags.

    I may be a weirdo but there's a small impulsive part of me that's always tempted to do that. Thank Robward I'm not really that mean.

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  10. You know if it was Rob's ass crack you'd be all over it.

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  11. Yep...it's always the fat hairy bastards who feel the need to impose their ass crack on innocent bystanders! WHY???

    Now Pattz crack on the other hand is a totally different story! Fuckhawtness at its finest! I am totally down with dumpster diving for that footage!

    Thanks for the post, LKW! Made me smile!

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  12. I have to share. My sister pulled the best "Just Say No to Crack" prank. My 'lil sis was out with friends and they met an older lady at the bar that had obviously had lots of work done. The woman was dressing so wrong for her age and was sporting the low rider pants that just made it look like her whole backside was one big ass crack. We'll her friends did the deadly and dared my sister to do something about it. She took up the gauntlet and ran with it. As they were leaving they all hugged goodbye and my sis took the opportunity to stick a ball point pin in the woman's ass crack. When my sister and her friends left the lady went swaying off to flirt with some much younger guys and had no clue she was sportin' a a pin in her ass crack. My sis said if she could have found flowers she would have used them, but had to go with what she had available.

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  13. Mmmm... Rob's buttcrack.... *stares dreamily*

    Of course, a picture of this already exists a la New Moon. UNF.

    http://i817.photobucket.com/albums/zz99/rachael1042/93294901-1.jpg

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  14. I'm happy to say I got *close* to seeing Rob's beautiful (undoubtedly, it is) crack, and got it on video when he was at the Dallas Galleria last year. Well, there was crack, not necessarily skin...

    Here's my youtube video. Start at 2:30 and TURN DOWN YOUR VOLUME lest you're earlobes be blown by the squeeeeeeeeeing fans:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9j7mKF4ypY

    God, he is an amazing beautiful beautiful man...

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  15. @Rachael1042 - Ugh, totally forgot about that picture... now I'm going to be thinking about his crack all day. Fuck.

    @Lori - How were you that close to the Preh-tay and not end up arrested for attacking him? I would have definitely ended up incarcerated!

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  16. Love u LKW! Thank u for making me laugh/smile!! I'm in for dumpster diving as well! Who's in for a road trip if Bel Ami doesn't come to the US?

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  17. Dude in that first pic has more crack than compton!!!! DAAAAMMMMNNNN that is just wrong. LMAO. Can't wait to see if we catch a glimpse of the precious' lucious bootay in upcoming flicks though. I'ld like to frame that shit and put it on my fridge ;)

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  18. @LKW I was on a balcony, lest I would have charged him.

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  19. I want to say something pithy about crack but I'm just too stunned by all the crack in this post to rally. Found you via thebloggess, very funny blog!

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  20. I was driving home from the in-laws and got stuck behind a couple on a motorcycle going thrity five mph. I know, WTF?! Your on a Harley Jackass, at least drive the speed limit. But that wasn't what freaked me out. The entire time I was driving I was staring at his fat girfriends ass crack. It was beyond disgusting and totally mesmerizing. No matter where you looked, there it was. You couldn't help but stare. Cars passed me in the right hand lane, laughing and pointing, shooting me a pitying look. Yeah... not one of my favorite memories.

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  21. Sadly I am one of those people who assaults your eyes with my crack...I swear I don't do it on purpose!!!! Oh and I do wear the correct size pants, I am not a hairy fat guy and when it is hanging out I do know it I have just gotten to the point where I don't give a fuck. At least I only have the problem at work (I am a pastry chef and my pants don't have belt loops) It doesn't matter what I do or how high I hike up my pants when I bend over the crack just comes out. To make matters worse I was at work the other day putting pastries into a display case and a woman came up behind me and instead of just pointing out that my crack was sticking out she grabbed the back of my pants (underwear included) and pulled them up. Ugh I can still feel her fake nails on my skin. So I apologize for my crack sticking out and if I find a way to make it stay in it will be the happiest day of my life (which is kinda sad)

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  22. Why is it the pretty ones always keep covered up LOL! Have they found a US distributer for Bel Ami yet? Can't have that gem kept from us.

    Crack kills :)

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  23. Regardless of how crappy a day I've been having and how big a mood I'm in you guys always make me smile - Love ya all!!!

    and oh yes... RPatz - That is one crack I wont be saying no to ;) ROFL

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