Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Movie Shit That Baffles Me

Every once in awhile I watch a movie that I absolutely love even though there is something about it that totally baffles the ever loving fuck out of me.

For example -- Karate Kid. I never could understand why Daniel LaRusso needed karate to kick Johnny's ass. He's a lower class kid from Newark, New Jersey, people. Johnny is some blond-haired blue-eyed rich bitch from Cally.

He's. From. Newark. New Jersey. Let's put it this way -- when Latchkey Wife was thinking about taking the train down to Newark so she could see Eclipse with us, she received an email response that said, "DO NOT LEAVE THE TRAIN STATION OR YOU WILL DIE."

This is not a photoshopped picture, I swear. That's a real billboard.

Okay, fine, let's say Johnny kicks Daniel's ass once. In Jersey, Daniel would probably have just done a fucking drive-by shooting on the Kobra Kai Dojo and it would have saved him from all that slave labor Mr. Miyagi put him through, painting his fences and waxing cars and shit.

So, yeah. Baffled about that whole plot point. But I still love that movie like a lonely guy loves a stripper on a Saturday night.

Let's just say when I really love something I'm willing to overlook the what-the-fucks.

Suffice to say, there is a wealth of "what-the-fucks" when it comes to the Twilight Saga. Regardless of the questionable acting, bad FX, horrifying hair/makeup/costume/fill-in-the-blank, we still love the Saga, even if it does leave us scratching our heads and wondering why the hell they thought it was a good idea to paint Robert Pattinson's lips a blazing cherry red, or who thought of the costumes in this scene:

WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE?!?! What. The. Fuck.

At the end of the day, the good outweighs the bad.

Of course, most people outside of Twidom disagree with our awww-it's-kinda-cheesy-but-still-fuckawesome viewpoint and more than a few have brought up something that just bothers the hell out of me, mainly because I kind of agree with them.

Why do Edward and Jacob even like Bella in the first place, much less luuuuuurv her and want to fight to death for her?

Edward - No, I'M gonna hold her hand, stare moodily into her eyes and profess my undying love for her.
- Nuh uh!! I'M gonna hold her hand, stare pleadingly into her eyes, profess my undying love and hopefully bang the shit out of her, Prude Boy.

Have I become too cynical?

In the books, I get it. Sure, Bella is a little Mary Sue and apparently has terrible taste in clothes but I can see why Edward and Jacob want to get in her pants live happily ever after with her.

Because she's the only interesting person in Forks.***

The movies are entirely different. Bella is just... depressed. And emo. And brooding. And kinda bitchy. I mean, she's seriously never happy.

OMG, sooooo many hot supernatural dudes totally love me and want to spend the rest of their eternal lives with me and have little wolf babies or something, even though I've done nothing in particular to warrant this attention. I just can't take it. I'm so sad.

What the fuck is her problem?

Maybe Bella needs Prozac. Or perhaps she should just buck it up and, oh, I don't know - ENJOY HERSELF because if I had both Edward and Jacob panting at the entrance to my vagina, I'd definitely be in a very happy place.

Who knows? Maybe what Bella Swan really needs to get laid. Maybe if Edward gives her a couple of rounds with his poon pounder she might smile.

*** - To the lovely people of Forks. To clarify, I am not talking about all of you in real life. I'm talking about the people of Forks as portrayed by Stephenie Meyer. Kick her ass, not mine.


  1. I agree 1000000000%! I'm so glad you wrote this because she really is a selfish bitch, isn't she? She has the hottest guys after her and I have no fucking clue why. She's annoying, boring as shit, dressed like those chicks on Big Love, and babbles on and on about her father and mother. WTF?! I get it, she had to raise herself. Been there myself, Bella, but I would rather live it up than act like a senior citizen. Seriously, if I had Edward freaking Cullen in my damn bed every night I would pull out all the stops, make him want to do me and forget his god damn morals. First off, dress in something other than your sweats and a holey t shirt. *Rolling eyes* And a brown turtle neck with jeans and waterproof boots? W-T-F???? I'm currently listening to Eclipse on audio book and Alice just asked her if she wanted to ride to LA in her 911 Turbo. Bella whines and asks to go home because she misses Jacob. Fuck him, I say! Get in that ride, girl, turn the music up and holler at the hot ass guys on the highway. Sheesh!

    Thanks... that felt good. Like therapy.

  2. Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy!!! I'm 1st! (Reason being, I have no discipline whatsoever and spend way too much visiting my favorite Twilight fan sites, especially Twitarded seventy times a day, maybe could be the reason).

    I am so in agreeance here. I have so many issues with all 3 of these movies and yet I have watched my Twilight and New Moon DVDs too many times to count and this after seeing New Moon in the dollar theater 9 times in 2 weeks and crying my eyes out every time. I have the most issues with Eclipse and yet I've plunked good money to see it 5 times (midnight release showing, IMAX, twice back-to-back and then once more for good measure. My big problem now is deciding whether or not to get some kind of Blu-Ray device for the Eclipse DVD release and bemoaning the Decembe 4 is too fucking long to wait.

    Obviously (at least it seems obvious to me and many millions of others) that the Pretay has an awful lot to do with this. I am hoping that since Stephenie Meyer now has a lot of money and money equals clout and influence and that she has done the honorable thing and is one of the 3 producers, that BD 1 & 2 will have far fewer of the What.The.Fuck.Were.They.Thinking? moments.

  3. Couldn't agree more! Dave Barry's latest book (I'll Mature When I'm Dead) has a chapter with a Twilight parody that is brilliant -couldn't stop laughing!

  4. Well 2nd's good, too.

    I just came across this recently and tho it refers to sarcasm and not cynicism, they're pretty close:

    "I had to have my soul removed to make room for all this sarcasm."

  5. C'mon JJ.... I have friends who live in downtown Newark and have spent time there and I have to speak up for it. Death is not lying in wait outside the train station. Downtown Newark is actually quite nice with pretty parks and a great performing arts center and arena and museums and great food and so on. It's a big city and there are still parts of it where I wouldn't want to be, but seriously, downtown is safe as Times Square. Slamming a city that's working its ass off to better itself and saying that one will die if they leave the train station is not cool! Just had to say it.... And I love your blog. :)

  6. JJ, have you been lurking in the ATL??? I swear I end up telling anyone who has watched the movies without reading the books that Bella is OK in the books. That is my problem with the movies....they try to be too emo when the books are so not that way. I mean Bella wears a friggin khaki skirt in the books...last time I checked they weren't selling those at hot topic.

  7. I think we'd all have a smile if Edward gave us a couple of rounds with his poon pounder. Just think... he could be the bringer of world peace!!!

  8. *wine snort* heh heh...poon pounder.

    Seriously, amen sister. I actually didn't even think Bella had much to offer in the books either. I'm more in MnaJ's camp about her, honestly, and found myself skipping over a lot of Bella's inner monologue by the time I got to Eclipse. I was more taken with all the rainy weather, piano playing, and brooding, steel, bad boys. Whew...em eff, is it hot in here?

  9. OMG this post had me about crying I was laughing so hard. And I was reading it out loud to the hubs and he was giving me all kind of what-the-fuck looks. He just doesn't get it.

    There are a whole lot of things regarding both SM's books and the movies themselves where I'm like, "Seriously, WTF???" One from the book is the wardrobe. I though SM had this dream in 2003, not 1983. And according to the books, Jacob is supposed to be a giant. Why couldn't they put Tay-tays ass up on a damn box or something so he would tower over Edward. Or at least dig a damn hole for RPattz to stand in to make him shorter than Tay-dog.

  10. Agree with Sally. Just not a Bella-lover. I loved the world Stephanie created; I could just crawl into it and be in a fairy tale where I just didn't care that it rained because EdwardfreakingCullen was there. And as for KStew's Bella...why is she never happy when Edward kisses her? She seems to lean away from him most of the time! WTF is wrong with that picture!?!?!?

    Still love the books and movies though. And loved that Twilight Brain diagram in the previous post - almost peed myself laughing!!!!!

  11. All we have is our cardboard Edward to love!!!

    Yesterday I watched "Twilight in Forks". The documentary gives a good argument on visiting Forks, the people seem very welcoming to crazy Twilight fans. Have Fun.

  12. Um, @Kerri? Did you just roll your eyes? You better hope Fifty didn't see that (or hope he did depending on your, er... preferences). *wink an'a click o' the tongue*

    Totes agree w/you @JJ. KStew didnah bring it (and SM Bella needed help to begin with) and made me wonder the same thing. Why are these guys fighting over blah Bella? Eddie was tuned into La Tua Cantante on Radio Bella I guess but what's Jake's excuse? His life on the rez didn't expose him to much so Bella seemed exotic? Maybe he was just in the mood for a fight with a moody vampire.

    Honestly, after reading so much fanfic I'm really not diggin' the whole original Twi-vibe too much anymore. I'll be eternally grateful for it 'cause otherwise we wouldn't have the fanfics but I'd kill to see the 'Osa Bella' movie. ;)

  13. @franki - thank you! I'm at the point now where I don't care if SM ever finishes and/or publishes Midnight Sun cuz I don't know when I'll have time to read it! I have so many really, really good, brilliantly written fanfics to read with stories that transport me to more intriguing places with more complex plots than the original Twilight stories. I will always love SM cuz she created this magaical, beautiful, romantic mythology, but the fanfic writers have taken it to a higher level (talking to you Myg and JJ!!!!). I feel so guilty saying this...!!!

  14. OMG! I have to show hubby this post. We went to see Eclipse again last night only after watching "Resident Evil" and he was in a kick ass awesome mood. I totally agree with you albeit hubby might still try to figure out why we put up with all those stupid shizz in the movie!

  15. I can't stand Bella for a majority of the books or movies either! Even my first time through the books, I had to fight against rolling my eyes or throwing the book down. I just don't have patience for her sorry ass. In my mind, I tend to project Bella as an ideal match for Edward... MUCH more mature, less whiny, and LIVES to kiss Edward. (like chemically addicted) Didn't SM write that Bella would spend the majority of her time making out with Edward if she could? um, wouldn't we all??! Don't look so put out KStew! ("Damn! Him again?" Phaleease)

    The boys' excuse? I just think they're both horny as hell.
    Jacob vs Edward in the movies make it like the Bachelorette show. Dudes fighting over a girl that is simply not worth it.
    And while I'm on a rant tonight... why have they completely glossed over B&E's chemistry? Because by the time we got to Eclipse it didn't seem like they were soulmates to me. More like a good prom date.

    (SPOILER) And last but NOT least: Don't get me started on SM protest to introduce the *new addition* in BD to keep Bella "relatable". "QUE?" Because a half human-vampire baby makes any married 19 y/o long khaki skirt wearin' bitch relatable. uh. ok. right. I need a tylenol.

  16. I just re-read Midnight Sun. It explains quite a bit about why Edward loves Bella. Of course not one single redeeming quality made it from the book to the movie.

    As for Jacob, I kinda think he had a crush on this older woman since he was a little kid & she visited with his sisters. I'm sure he was long since bored with the limited selection on the rez.

  17. This post and subsequent comments have me laughing out loud. I saw Eclipse for the fourth time yesterday and the fuckawful wigs (namely Bella and Jasper) are the first on a very long WTF list.... but you're right, we love it and we'll probably all defend it to the hilt to any haters out there.

    I saw the trailer for Vampires Suck yesterday too... how many of us will see it? Can we laugh at our own? For sure I'll be there, I wanna see what fun they have with Twilight.

  18. totes agree, book Bella may be whiney, but movie Bella is much, much worse!

    Poon pounder-Bahahahaha! I'm pretty sure most everyone on here would gratefully accept a poon pounding from Edward and wear a shit-eating grin forever after!

  19. You are totally right Bella is such a biatch and not in a good way!! I just dont understand why Edwards not gone "Yeah you smell good, good enough to eat but fuck that, i'm after a girl with an actual personality, who I can pound the ass off."

    And just to mention this "Maybe Bella needs Prozac. Or perhaps she should just buck it up and, oh, I don't know - ENJOY HERSELF because if I had both Edward and Jacob panting at the entrance to my vagina, I'd definitely be in a very happy place." is going to be my new fb, msn, twitter, and whateverthefuckeelse i have joined status.

    You rock.

  20. I'm still slightly disturbed by that billboard. And very glad I decided not to take the train to Newark... I want to be alive to enjoy Foooooooorrrrrrkkkkkssssss!

  21. I'm with you JJ. Newark may have nice parts but anyone leaving the train station and walking like they don't know where they are - thats going to attract the wrong welcoming committee.

    As far as Karate Kid goes - agreed - Once LaRusso was done tanning, spiking his hair and getting drunk on Zima, he would have gotten Tony-Soprano-gabagool-accent on Johnny at the beach (At least an hour of trash talking before the fight). Whether he won the fight with his brass knuckles or ended up getting his butt kicked, it wouldn't matter - he would have gasoline-bombed Johnny's house and told him and his friends there was "more where that came from". Even Kreese (The sensei) would be carrying home Ms LaRusso's groceries from then on. Then again, not many people would leave the movie "The Extortion Kid" with the same feel-good-nice-guy-gets-the-trophy-and-the-girl feeling. Especially because the scene where Miyagi tries (yet fails) to resist the protection racket from charging his bonsai tree business is particularly violent and heartbreaking.

  22. On the chance of sounding too serious when I answer this question... here is what I've always thought...

    It's just like with Sookie Stackhouse in the TrueBlood novels. Supernatural creatures (like vampires) love Bella and Sookie because they are "different". Period. They don't even have to be interesting or happy. Just different. Edward can't read Bella's thoughts. That makes her UNIQUE. One of a kind. Super natural creatures value one-of-a-kind humans. Period.

  23. Poon pounder??!!!

    ROFL! never heard that one before

    word verif : throgic....he came towards her with his trhrogic poon pounder!

  24. Edward is high on sweet, sweet Bella fumes and Jacob want's her ovum... Is that really so difficult to grasp?
    And somehow, in spite of that whole bag of WTF,
    I LOVE the books and just saw Eclipse last night for the... lost count actually.

  25. It's because in the book, she's Bella. Smart, sort of friendly, smiles, cooks for her daddy.

    In the movie, she's....Kristen Stewert. And from every movie I've seen her in, Kristen Stewert only plays....Kristen Stewart.

    Pretty girl. Has it all. Pissed off and standoff-ish.

  26. @CD - totally agree, Kristen Stewart plays Kristen Stewart! I have seen no evidence of acting.

  27. OMG!!! "poon pounder" LOL!!!! Your Jersey wit is too much. I'm totally stealing that. Come kick my Cali ass you Jersey puta.

  28. Thanks much JJ for bringing this up. I now believe the hideosity of Bella is unavoidable. Myg said (to Lola?) that Osa Bella came about because Edward falling for a 17 year old just makes no f-ing sense. Bingo!
    So. Chicklet bitch in the role or not, Bella does need to be older, (or even Edward is faintly ridiculous).
    Other pet-peeve crappiness one just decides to overlook: How Bella and Jacob appear to be wearing the same exact wig on the bench outside the prom. And a paranoid peeve: at least Robward looks beautiful in Twilight. I suspect the male directors are so jealous that they try to make him look like an ashen death mask in most of the other 2 flicks.
    In fact, whatever the TwiSaga flaws, is not the real reason some loathe it because a. male haters know they will never be Robwardian babe magnets and b. for some female haters, the story plays to a fear that if you have been screwing everything that moved since junior high, it's too late to attract an Edward?
    No judgment. Just wonderin.....

  29. Totes agree with y'all! The only reason I've seen the Twilight movie 3 billion times is because I love the books so much. Before I read them I HATED the movie!! Kristen's one role is to play Kristen no deviation ever! and @franki - I have no need for my set of Twilight books anymore either cause there is too much good fanfic with all the lemony goodness and too little time. I'm all about the type of leg hitch scene delivered by Myg in Osa Bella Chap. 22, screw that chaste fully clothed crap in Eclipse!

  30. I'm lucky I read the book first because if I had seen Twilight movie first there is no way I would've read the books. I read them for the first time in the summer of '09 and was really glad to hear they had a new director for New Moon. It's bad enough that they kept the same script writer that added the stupid field trip scene and removed blood typing. UGH!!!

    In any case, I always wondered how Midnight Sun would be different if Bella slept in the nude. Could you imagine how different Edward's "falling in love" scene would've played out if her boob popped out in the middle of his epiphany? (He-he-he-he...)

  31. Bang on JJ!

    I’ve been to see Eclipse 3 times and all I can remember from the movie worth remembering is RPattz. I try to disregard the creepy yellow eyes and slip in his lovely blue eyes in my imagination. I don’t care what the book says. I hope they ditch those gross contacts for BD. And where the fuck is the music – it sucks big time. Great soundtrack was put together and it’s non-existent in the movie. I thought David Slade was a music video producer and director – why isn’t there music in Eclipse.

    I have to say Twilight is my favourite movie despite the technical errors, Catherine Hardwicke gets it! The music was great and each piece was thoughtfully placed within the context of the scene, and I loved Carter Burwell’s score for the same reason. Small ensemble sound suits the film – big fancy orchestra does not.

    Summit’s making loads of money on this franchise – let’s hope they can put some greater thought into BD and make us happy.

    Summit needs to hark over to the UK and take some tips from the Harry Potter production. Each of those movies has been worth watching over and over and, in my opinion, has done a far superior job bringing the books to the screen compared to Twilight Saga.

    I’m still inexplicably obsessed.

  32. Guys.

    No joke, my first exposure to the Twidom was watching Twilight. My thoughts at the end were "Huh, that was interesting... but why is Bella such a bitch?!"

    Fortunately I decided I had to read the book to find out more, but my honest first thoughts were, "Why is Bella such a raging asshole?"

  33. ROFL!! you made my night!! I couldn't agree more! "... because if I had both Edward and Jacob panting at the entrance to my vagina, I'd definitely be in a very happy place" Ditto!!

  34. I went to Newark once and had to drive to Mawah (sp?) The dumb bitch who was driving (a coworker) was not quite sure how to navigate a simple interstate and decided to "get off the highway and just use the regular streets instead to get there." Now, I grew up in a city that has bad parts as well as good, but let me tell you that was the LONGEST ride ever through neighborhoods with front yards fenced in with SPIKED fences. And a Dunkin Donuts every 3 blocks. I'm not sure about the correlation between rough neighborhoods and Dunkin Donuts is (personally I love their coffee), but there was definitely a signficant relationship there. Maybe it's that all the crack addicts need their sugar fix. I dunno. But I do have to say, I TOTALLY agree with your analysis: Bellasten annoys the holy fuck out of me in the movies and it's a good thing she's skinny enough I can just mentally make her disappear out of the picture, leaving more room for the imaginary ME up on the screen. MEEEEEEEEEE. There, I said it. You were thinking it, but I said it. :)

  35. @Cupcake Donna you nailed it my friend. I am not a KStew hater but I don't think her open-mouthed stuttery-always-looking-like-she-is-annoyed-and/or-stoned-non-emotive portrayal of Bella makes the love triangle that believable. A cute bod in too tight jeans with your mid-rif showing only buys you so much personality.

    @JJ--I think Bella needs Prozac and acting lessons. There I said my peace.

  36. This cracked me up! First of all...the costumes they chose for Bella and Edward in Alice's vision were horrible. The vision is supposed to be of the future, yet they are dressed like Edward would have been dressed in the 1900's...Bella is dressed like an antique doll!

    Second of all...of all the casting done for this movie Kristen Stewart was the worst. In the promo pictures for Twilight she definitely "looked" the part, but she plays Bella too much like herself...which is unemotional, never happy, miserable...emo! "Kristen...the point of being an actress is to play someone other than yourself! I know it's hard, but lift the sides of your lips just once and crack a smile!"

  37. OMG I so agree I cant stand how she's always bitching & crying, girl 2 sexy men especially Jacob ( sorry edward lovers lol) but come on r u serious I'd be on cloud 9 with those 2 chasing me I wouldnt know wat 2 do lol hey chase me I'd luv it lol

  38. THANK GOD, I'm not the only person that has a lot of WTF moments. I thought I was a cynic putts or something. Thanks bunches for posting this!!!


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