Anyway, at some point along our merry adventures that weekend, I noted Miss Tejota just kind of observing the madness that is me and JJ. I think it was the first time we all went back to the room and JJ was harassing me and telling me to open the #&^$*! hotel room door right now and I was telling her to back off, cunt, and TJ [as I still refer to Miss Tejota] was looking amused but also vaguely horrified and I think she may have said--very softly almost like she was saying it to herself--"oh please don't say that..." Because she's a lady and JJ and I are... well... Why don't we just let TJ tell you what it was like???
TJ, take it away!
If you plan to spend any time with Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You (and I know some of you do), these are the three things you must remember:
1. Words such as poo, bitch, dick, cunt, vagina, asshole, and vodka will be uttered repeatedly throughout your time together.
2. JJ and STY act like an old married couple. JJ is bossy and STY is the yes, woman.
3. If you have any bladder issues you better wear your Poise liners, because you WILL piddle yourself due to the amount of cackling you will do because of the stuff they dare to utter, faces they make, or the ability to willingly act like asses to entertain the masses of Twitarded fans out there.
First, let’s discuss the language. As you may have noticed by reading this blog, the ladies (and I use the term loosely) have the tendency to be quite..."colorful" with their verbiage. I mean how often do you come across someone who will seriously tell you that they will kick you in your vagina if you dare your spill their berry infused vodka. JJ and STY will.
We've all read about how JJ would poo in RPattz’s trailer if given half a chance, but when you discuss her poo adventures with her in person and in detail, one of two things will happen: 1) you will begin to have a new relationship with your poo, you will inspect it, start carrying the book “What's Your Poo Telling You?” so you can report your own poo adventures back to JJ. And you know she'd listen. Or 2) you will vomit in your mouth. For some of you, the latter may occur. Don't say I didn't warn you.
As for STY, don’t let that regal head of red hair fool you. That woman’s mouth is hysterically filthy and if I had a better relationship with the Lawd I’d try to wash her mouth out with soap.
See JJ is a beauty as well, but there is a glint in the eyes that tells you she can be trouble. But STY with her height, red hair, and porcelain skin--she gives off the appearance of being an angel. But don’t get her started on something that puts an irk in her day (or anything that gives her the chance to cuss) because the language that will flow between her lips will make the devil blush. Trust me, I know because Beelzebub told me so as he cowered behind me while the filth spewed from her.
Second, these ladies might as well leave their significant others behind and just shack up and be done with it. I mean they ARE essentially married. They are attached at the hip. They conversate with the edge of affection that states "We’ve know each other forever and I know what I can and can not do to you. Sooooo I’m just going to go right up to the edge and put my toe on the line and maybe over it a tiny bit, just to make you sweat." It sounds cruel, but it is quite funny in person and honestly quite cute. JJ is bossy little thing and STY often is the "Yes, dear..." woman within the relationship. But don’t be fooled--STY does get her point across and JJ does know how to fold.
Third, they are just fucktastically funny. I know that fucktastically isn’t a word, but if it was, in the dictionary with a picture of JJ and STY next to it. They excel at everything, especially at making me pee myself from all the laughing I do with them and at them. I mean you saw the YouTube video of them competing at the Just Dance challenge. Well, I got to witness the planning and execution of that moment of EPICNESS first-hand.
They were serious, they were ready to entertain, just listening to them talk about it, I may or may not have shat myself (especially when JJ fibbed and told STY that she had accidentally deleted the video and they would have to do it again). I’m not telling. Regardless, it is amazing to me how funny these two ladies are even when they aren’t trying to be. They are utterly delightful and any time I can hang with them sober and/or laced on adult beverages, I would willingly do so.
I'll see some of you in Forks and you can view the madness firsthand! The rest of you can be there in spirit and enjoy the footage that Gus is sure to capture of JJ and STY being...well...JJ and STY.