Wednesday, September 22, 2010

"A Tale of Two Twitards" by Miss Tejota

Back in the beginning of August when JJ and I went to the BlogHer Conference, we met up with Miss Tejota (who lives in the city) and spent almost every waking moment with her. Well, at least every one of JJ's waking moments; I had a lot of waking moments that JJ slept through. Anyway, we've spent time with her before but this was like full-on immersion into our odd-couple relationship. I am not sure who is Felix and who is Oscar; there might be some back-and-forth there. But we HAVE taken several online quizzes that all say that JJ is the lion to my lamb. Sigh... You can hurl a little bit now; it's ok - we understand.


Anyway, at some point along our merry adventures that weekend, I noted Miss Tejota just kind of observing the madness that is me and JJ. I think it was the first time we all went back to the room and JJ was harassing me and telling me to open the #&^$*! hotel room door right now and I was telling her to back off, cunt, and TJ [as I still refer to Miss Tejota] was looking amused but also vaguely horrified and I think she may have said--very softly almost like she was saying it to herself--"oh please don't say that..." Because she's a lady and JJ and I are... well... Why don't we just let TJ tell you what it was like???

TJ, take it away!

If you plan to spend any time with Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You (and I know some of you do), these are the three things you must remember:

1. Words such as poo, bitch, dick, cunt, vagina, asshole, and vodka will be uttered repeatedly throughout your time together.

2. JJ and STY act like an old married couple. JJ is bossy and STY is the yes, woman.

3. If you have any bladder issues you better wear your Poise liners, because you WILL piddle yourself due to the amount of cackling you will do because of the stuff they dare to utter, faces they make, or the ability to willingly act like asses to entertain the masses of Twitarded fans out there.

First, let’s discuss the language. As you may have noticed by reading this blog, the ladies (and I use the term loosely) have the tendency to be quite..."colorful" with their verbiage. I mean how often do you come across someone who will seriously tell you that they will kick you in your vagina if you dare your spill their berry infused vodka. JJ and STY will.


How Miss Tejota envisions JJ & STY.

We've all read about how JJ would poo in RPattz’s trailer if given half a chance, but when you discuss her poo adventures with her in person and in detail, one of two things will happen: 1) you will begin to have a new relationship with your poo, you will inspect it, start carrying the book “What's Your Poo Telling You?” so you can report your own poo adventures back to JJ. And you know she'd listen. Or 2) you will vomit in your mouth. For some of you, the latter may occur. Don't say I didn't warn you.

YOU. I told you to keep JJ out of my *&%$#!! trailer! You're fired!

As for STY, don’t let that regal head of red hair fool you. That woman’s mouth is hysterically filthy and if I had a better relationship with the Lawd I’d try to wash her mouth out with soap.

See JJ is a beauty as well, but there is a glint in the eyes that tells you she can be trouble. But STY with her height, red hair, and porcelain skin--she gives off the appearance of being an angel. But don’t get her started on something that puts an irk in her day (or anything that gives her the chance to cuss) because the language that will flow between her lips will make the devil blush. Trust me, I know because Beelzebub told me so as he cowered behind me while the filth spewed from her.
Note from Not-STY: Who, me???
Second, these ladies might as well leave their significant others behind and just shack up and be done with it. I mean they ARE essentially married. They are attached at the hip. They conversate with the edge of affection that states "We’ve know each other forever and I know what I can and can not do to you. Sooooo I’m just going to go right up to the edge and put my toe on the line and maybe over it a tiny bit, just to make you sweat." It sounds cruel, but it is quite funny in person and honestly quite cute. JJ is bossy little thing and STY often is the "Yes, dear..." woman within the relationship. But don’t be fooled--STY does get her point across and JJ does know how to fold.

Third, they are just fucktastically funny. I know that fucktastically isn’t a word, but if it was, in the dictionary with a picture of JJ and STY next to it. They excel at everything, especially at making me pee myself from all the laughing I do with them and at them. I mean you saw the YouTube video of them competing at the Just Dance challenge. Well, I got to witness the planning and execution of that moment of EPICNESS first-hand.

They were serious, they were ready to entertain, just listening to them talk about it, I may or may not have shat myself (especially when JJ fibbed and told STY that she had accidentally deleted the video and they would have to do it again). I’m not telling. Regardless, it is amazing to me how funny these two ladies are even when they aren’t trying to be. They are utterly delightful and any time I can hang with them sober and/or laced on adult beverages, I would willingly do so.

I'll see some of you in Forks and you can view the madness firsthand! The rest of you can be there in spirit and enjoy the footage that Gus is sure to capture of JJ and STY being...well...JJ and STY.

26 comments:

  1. I don't know if I am happier to know this information or more scared LOL!!!

    I can't wait to meet you all!! Next week at this time I will be in Seattle hanging with some of the best Twitards I know :) SQUEEEEEE!!!

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  2. @Dangrdafne be happy and a bit scared. Regardless, STY, JJ, and I found at another time LKW are truly a blast to hang around. Be very afraid, but good moments will occur, trust me.

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  3. See? You CAN spend time with us and live to tell the tale!!! Almost always... Don't let TJ scare ya'... too much...

    xoxo

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  4. Oh, come on...WTF Crackberry?! My comment didn't load. :( Let's try this again:

    I am not intimidated by the two of you in the least. If anything, I'd like to think of it as a mass pilgrimage of snarky, sassy, swearin' bitches (with a few "ladies" to keep us from doing anything TOO damaging). I am getting increasingly anxious about one thing, though...

    I'm kind of afraid that I won't be able to spend any sort of time with you three. I mean, there are so many awesome peeps coming in from all over the country, and everyone wants to spend any amount of time with you to fangirl the shit out of yous. While I am partially one of those, I also completely consider you guys friends, and I look forward to seeing what you have to say every night.

    ANYWHO...Pretty sure there isn't a damn thing that can come out of your mouths that would make me cover mine. You're talking about a chick who played The Penis Game with her Mommypants and G-ma. Dig that smegma suckers. Sailors and truckers will be covering their ears when we all descend on FOORRKKSS!!

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  5. Just can't wait to experience this first hand. You have no idea...

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  6. I just cannot. Cannot keep reading the posts & cannot watch it all unfold until it's over. Because I cannot be there, that's why. My feelings are summed up by the Epically Epic Scott Pilgrim & his band Sex Bob Omb in this short (epically short) song:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLz54rWO2xM

    You might say I'm jealous, so very very jealous. :::sobs::::

    PS - have a fanfuckingtastic time hookers! I WILL meet you eventually, and until then I wish you all the nicest jail cell, the hottest jailor, and no damage fees to be paid to the Forks Motel!!!! xxxooo MWAH!

    Big hugs to STY JJ LKW Myg Kitty_E, VitR, Cupcakegirl, etc!

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  7. Yaaay - it's TJ! (sorry that rhymed) I'll be packing my poise for Forks... totes joining in on the swearing then - thank fuck ;)

    - Lorabell

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  8. Everything you just said TJ, comes across in this blog. For the past year I can always tell who's post it is, based solely on the FIRST sentence. Yup, challenge me. :)

    I can't not wait to be in the company of these two...not to mention everyone else. This trip is going to be beyond epic.

    xo J

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  9. I am tingling with excitement!!!! I have witnessed the banter somewhat but never in person....can't wait. I just won't ever let them anywhere near my sweet, innocent children. Ha! I kid. (and no, my children are not coming to Forks...sheesh!)

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  10. Pretty much just pissed myself with hilarity AND excitement. I cannot wait to witness this shit in person.

    And @Lindsay Rae, I can't believe you busted out SMEGMA. I was hoping never to hear that word ever again in conversation, but clearly I am hanging out with the wrong bunch of twat lickers.

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  11. Hot damn, I am sighing a heavy, envious sigh directed at those who will meet these two in person in a week. Now, I can't bloody wait to see that video.

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  12. Yay TJ!!!! :-) I'm ready for some laughs with all of the Twi-Girls. Seriously can't wait to meet all of you!

    FOOOORRRKKS!!

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  13. @Lindsay Rae - while I will admit that my usual thing in a crowd of people is to hole up in a corner with JJ and not talk to anyone else, I realize that this behavior will be TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE in Forks - lol! I promise to try to try to spend as much time with everyone as I can and less time hiding with JJ... Uh but please the idea of people fan-girling ME - ack! - ok i don't even know what "fan-girling" would actually mean but just pretend this is a giant slumber party among close friends who you just haven't seen face-to-face before. Pillow fight!!! : )

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  14. Just watched the YouTube vid - hilarious!!!! I'm a bit like STY - socially inept, but more than happy to step in and make a twatwaffling fool of myself in the right company :-) (STY, did you really manage to do that whole thing in FitFlops????).

    Can't effing WAIT to see the stills and vid of Foooooorrrrrkkkkkkksssss!!!!since I can't be with y'all in person ::sobs::). No excuses now, laydeez - get down and partay!

    CC

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  15. Bossy?! Who you callin' bossy?

    Now get me a cup of coffee. Stat. :P

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  16. *passes coffee to JJ*

    Yeah, this is pretty much what I expected of you two. Can't wait to see the banter in person though. :)

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  17. @Chloe Cougar - I LOVE my FitFlops! and please note that in the vid, my feet are running in place the entire time like it showed in the video game while JJ's feet were doing a slow waltz. which is why i spent the next hour feeling like i was going to pass out and JJ didn't lol... (oh and btw i realize that the fact that running in place for four minutes leaves me winded is BAD. yikes.)

    : )

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  18. Ohboyohboy. This is going to be either the greatest event ever... or an unfortunate news headline. Can't wait!

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  19. Great post TJ!! I think this just made me even more excited to meet everyone. I crack up so much at each post, I can only imagine what it will be like in person!

    Only 1 more week!!!

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  20. OME! I can't wait to meet you fuckawesome "ladies" in FFOOORRRKKKS! I love you all already and I can't imagine beign offended by anything anyone of you would have to say. Of course I am the queen of putting my foot in my mouth JSYK. I'm also totally nervous about meeting everyone because the socially inept and self-concious part of me is worried that y'all won't like me in RL (said with sad puppy eyes).

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  21. loved the dance video! i did notice that STY was running in place the whole time. it was like her lower half was straight out of flashdance.

    i look forward to the pics, vids, and stories from Fooooorks, as i am unable to attend. i keep hoping for you that pfach, klutz, or even the pretay makes a surprise appearance, because they are secretly a huge fan of Twitardia.
    omg i would be so freaking jealous!

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  22. @ Lindsay Rae - 'smegma suckers' too fucken funny!

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  23. AHHHHH!!! FOOOORKS can not come soon enough! It will be such a trip to see you all in person! Like TwiredJen, I too can tell who is writing the post within the first line or two, I feel as if I know you ladies already. MissTejota pretty much described exactly what I was expecting. :)

    LOVE the post MissTejota!! :)

    Less than one weeek! Squeeee!!

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  24. loved the dance video! i did notice that STY was running in place the whole time. it was like her lower half was straight out of flashdance.

    i look forward to the pics, vids, and stories from Fooooorks, as i am unable to attend. i keep hoping for you that pfach, klutz, or even the pretay makes a surprise appearance, because they are secretly a huge fan of Twitardia.
    omg i would be so freaking jealous!

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  25. @Lindsay Rae - while I will admit that my usual thing in a crowd of people is to hole up in a corner with JJ and not talk to anyone else, I realize that this behavior will be TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE in Forks - lol! I promise to try to try to spend as much time with everyone as I can and less time hiding with JJ... Uh but please the idea of people fan-girling ME - ack! - ok i don't even know what "fan-girling" would actually mean but just pretend this is a giant slumber party among close friends who you just haven't seen face-to-face before. Pillow fight!!! : )

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  26. @Dangrdafne be happy and a bit scared. Regardless, STY, JJ, and I found at another time LKW are truly a blast to hang around. Be very afraid, but good moments will occur, trust me.

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