The Twitarded Head Bitches in Charge left me the keys to the castle while they are Forking it up. You know what that means...
Does anyone remember where I parked?
In the wee hours of this morning I got an e-mail from Snarkier Than You basically saying, “We’re going to FOOOORRRKKS! Watch the blog. Don’t fuck it up.” It may have been nicer than that, but I can’t remember the exact wording.
Since I have nothing prepared and closely resemble a chain-smoking chihuahua on crack when I don’t have an itemized To Do list in front of me, we are going to talk about me.
Here’s some Rob porn to ease the blow.
I like hearing about you, TK. I don’t know what those bitches’ problems are.
Let’s gather ‘round the Share Circle. I have the conch, so back the fuck off. (Yeah, I just threw out a William Golding reference on Twitarded. What of it?) I’m feeling nostalgic, so let’s talk about how we all fell down this trippy rabbit hole.
Twilight was so far outside of my literary sphere, it might as well have been on Pluto (may your planet status R.I.P.). I didn’t read much fiction. The little I did read was all classic literature. Favorite novel: Lord of the Flies. Favorite book in general:
You say weird. I say eccentric. Bite me.
Back in the Autumn of 2008 [cue the dream sequence music] I saw a preview for a little movie called Twilight. For reasons still unknown to me, I had to see this movie. Since it wasn’t hitting theaters within the next 30 seconds, I hit Google hard & heavy to learn everything I could.
Had I found this I probably wouldn’t be here today.
I am inserting the first ever e-mail I sent to Snarkier Than You, and by default, the first time I’d EVER contacted anyone I found online. I'm just lucky she wasn’t a 14 year-old boy.
To: Snarkier Than You
From: Texas Katherine
Date: May 13, 2009
Subject: I believe the term is “enabler.”
Curse you, Twitarded!! A pox on both of your houses. I was completely content in my delusion that I was simply conducting social research on the Twilight phenomenon since last Fall. I was an English major for Pete's sake! I don't read pedestrian novels like "Twilight.” But, my curiosity got the best of me one autumn day. So, I went down to Target & loaded my basket with God knows what & finally slid a copy of Twilight beneath it all. I believe my copy of the book set me back about $92. My husband questioned my new reading material when we got into bed that night. (He had already questioned the massive amounts of random shit I brought home from the Tar-jay earlier.) I pretty much just sputtered sentence fragments about previewing it in case we ever have a daughter, or some such nonsense.
Needless to say, I stopped reading when the alarm went off in the morning...for the third time. Of course, I took my "research" to work & panicked when I got to the last chapter. I drove like a maniac to the Barnes & Noble under the pretense of picking up lunch for the office...at 9am. The thought of finishing “Twilight” without my next fix readily available made my chest constrict. I convinced myself I was just being thorough in my research. I can quit whenever I want, right?
Fast forward at least a dozen full readings of the series & countless viewings of the movie, not to mention the daily "hits" of my favorite chapters. My husband & child are dangerously at risk of developing scurvy as I feed them cereal & frozen pancakes for every meal. And those are the nights that I "cook." I've gradually added to my list of blogs I check daily. Scratch that. Hourly. After much resistance, I finally clicked on Twitarded. In the space of time that it took to read your header, I was hooked. Fuck me. Now I had to admit that I might possibly be an addict. (I can still quit whenever I want. I just don't want to yet. It's not hurting anyone.)
I've read all of your archives & am slightly disturbed. Can you hear my thoughts halfway across the country? I could have written any one of those posts. I feel like less of a pariah for not being the only thirty-something incapable of purging this story from system & more of a freak for finally acknowledging the disturbing level to which I am addicted. I carry around my iPhone like a talisman. I have the “Twilight” movie & book downloaded, several blogs bookmarked & the “Midnight Sun” draft readily available in case I get that trademark hand tremble of a true addict when I am away from home. Then you had to go & add fanfiction links to your sight. Fuck me. Now I have another facet of this addiction to manage. What are you people doing to me? My husband is perturbed because I am yawning through regular porn. I haven't shared this new aspect of my addiction with him yet. I figure he should just be happy reaping the benefits.
THEN, like a drug pusher wanting me to progress from the gateway drugs, you had to taunt me with “Wide Awake.” I resisted, but I finally capitulated. I mean, I don't really have time to add anything else into my schedule. I thought I'd read one chapter a day & drag it out. Once again, fuck me. I've had to completely eliminate my 2 requisite hours of sleep in order to read & reread this new addiction. I haven't slept in days. My life is completely upside down. I would have eliminated personal hygiene altogether to free up some time if my libido wasn't through the roof. I hope you are happy with yourselves. I was perfectly content with my social research before. Now, I have to endure an 8 hour field trip with my first grader tomorrow and no way to take a Twilight / Wide Awake hit. Thanks a whole freaking lot.
Twitarded in Texas
The rest is history.
I’m going to FOOOORRRKK over the conch now. How did you find “Twilight?”