Most people love the commentary on the Twilight saga movies. In the Twilight commentary, RPattz is funny and awkward and Catherine Hardwicke is her usual cougar-y self and everything is all well and good. I think there was someone else there too but I can't recall who it was.
At least that's what I've heard, anyway. I've never actually listened to or watched the movie with the commentary. Blasphemous? Probably. In all honesty, I simply just can't focus on a movie AND listen to people talk about said movie. If fucks with my tiny little pea brain and then I get bored and start reading shit on Twitter.
Regardless of this fact, and because apparently my ego is the size of RPattz's
Of course, there is one little problem with this (besides the fact that Summit is a douchenozzle and would never let us do this in the first place) - the movies are rated PG-13.
Twitarded doesn't do PG-13.
There is no fucking way our commentary will be anything but R. Or NC-17. I mean, seriously, I have a better chance of growing my hymen back then I do of not dropping the F-bomb when discussing the saga.
If we had to keep our stream of expletives under wraps, the entire commentary would be us moaning every time RPattz is on screen to us mumbling and/or throwing up every time one of those ugly ass wigs shows up.
Gahd, I hate those mother fucking wigs.
Actually, now that I think about it, we'd probably all just end up drunk and slurring before the wolves and vamps could meet up for the practice fight. Then our attention spans would start to wander and the next thing you know, it's the end of the movie and Bella is doing her crappy heart-felt speech that I'm 99.99999% positive wasn't in the book and we'd be on our cell phones passing each other jawporn and acting basically like Homer Simpson when he gets near a donut.
This is what we do when we see jawporn/fingerporn/anything to do with RPattz. Except not as yellow. Or bald. Or fat.
So maybe Summit is on to something by never even considering letting us do a commentary, not that we exactly show up on their radar. And I'm not counting that useless little minion who spends his day tagging shit at Zazzle with Cease and Desist notices. I'd give that guy such a junk punch he'd be picking pubic hairs out of his teeth for the next week.
It's not like we don't have practice running commentary. There hasn't been one single viewing of any of these movies that hasn't been accompanied by our comments, giggles, sighs and groans. And maybe that's why it's so much fun to watch them.
I nearly lost it in New Moon when Nomness leaned over to point out Taycob's "baby nipples" and STY may or may not have tried to pinch me when I exclaimed, "what the fuck is up with Edward's nipple?" during the Italy scene. Latchkey Wife didn't escape unscathed for Eclipse, either. It's a wonder she even heard the dialogue over my grousing about Jasper's wig in the beginning of the movie.
And let's not forget this:
Giggling? Check. Fast forward to about 2:34. Sparkle peen? Oh, yes.
Maybe, just maybe if we could figure out how to do it, we'd would. Then again, I still can't figure out how to answer my new fucking phone so... yeah. That.