Friday, September 17, 2010

Why Summit Entertainment Should Let Twitarded do the Commentary for the Twilight Saga.

Okay, here's the deal.

Most people love the commentary on the Twilight saga movies. In the Twilight commentary, RPattz is funny and awkward and Catherine Hardwicke is her usual cougar-y self and everything is all well and good. I think there was someone else there too but I can't recall who it was.

It was me, you chubby Velma-impersonating mother fucker. Cunt.

At least that's what I've heard, anyway. I've never actually listened to or watched the movie with the commentary. Blasphemous? Probably. In all honesty, I simply just can't focus on a movie AND listen to people talk about said movie. If fucks with my tiny little pea brain and then I get bored and start reading shit on Twitter.

Regardless of this fact, and because apparently my ego is the size of RPattz's cock fan base, I've decided that Summit should allow Twitarded to do the commentary.

Of course, there is one little problem with this (besides the fact that Summit is a douchenozzle and would never let us do this in the first place) - the movies are rated PG-13.

Twitarded doesn't do PG-13.

There is no fucking way our commentary will be anything but R. Or NC-17. I mean, seriously, I have a better chance of growing my hymen back then I do of not dropping the F-bomb when discussing the saga.

Fuck. It's like icing on the offensive cake. Yum.

If we had to keep our stream of expletives under wraps, the entire commentary would be us moaning every time RPattz is on screen to us mumbling and/or throwing up every time one of those ugly ass wigs shows up.

Gahd, I hate those mother fucking wigs.

Actually, now that I think about it, we'd probably all just end up drunk and slurring before the wolves and vamps could meet up for the practice fight. Then our attention spans would start to wander and the next thing you know, it's the end of the movie and Bella is doing her crappy heart-felt speech that I'm 99.99999% positive wasn't in the book and we'd be on our cell phones passing each other jawporn and acting basically like Homer Simpson when he gets near a donut.

This is what we do when we see jawporn/fingerporn/anything to do with RPattz. Except not as yellow. Or bald. Or fat.

So maybe Summit is on to something by never even considering letting us do a commentary, not that we exactly show up on their radar. And I'm not counting that useless little minion who spends his day tagging shit at Zazzle with Cease and Desist notices. I'd give that guy such a junk punch he'd be picking pubic hairs out of his teeth for the next week.


It's not like we don't have practice running commentary. There hasn't been one single viewing of any of these movies that hasn't been accompanied by our comments, giggles, sighs and groans. And maybe that's why it's so much fun to watch them.

I nearly lost it in New Moon when Nomness leaned over to point out Taycob's "baby nipples" and STY may or may not have tried to pinch me when I exclaimed, "what the fuck is up with Edward's nipple?" during the Italy scene. Latchkey Wife didn't escape unscathed for Eclipse, either. It's a wonder she even heard the dialogue over my grousing about Jasper's wig in the beginning of the movie.

And let's not forget this:

Giggling? Check. Fast forward to about 2:34. Sparkle peen? Oh, yes.

Maybe, just maybe if we could figure out how to do it, we'd would. Then again, I still can't figure out how to answer my new fucking phone so... yeah. That.


  1. Oh JJ, I fucking love you. That's really all I have. I wish you were in my real life.

  2. Too bad Scummit is too much of a gaping vagina to let you three do the commentary. Shit, they think it's a cash cow now...


    xo J

  3. "Where's the vampsicle when you need it?" It's due to moments like that I remember why I can stand these movies. If it wasn't for crazy friends and drunken comments through the saga viewings I would've left Twilight after "New Moon." Yes, "Twilight" came into my life when my body was a total fail, but it's the folks I met along the way with their wit that make it still fun and worth while.

    @JJ great post.

  4. I can not WAIT for the cluster fuck that will be watching Twilight with all the h00rs in one room.... It makes me giggle and titter like a 12yr old with new bonnie bell lip gloss.

    Do not even get me started on that dumbass speech that girl who molests Edward spouts off....After School Special anyone????

  5. We all need to have mics for the Twi viewing in Forks. We can record our very own Twitarded commentary. Rated NC-30.

    Although with TWI I'm more likely to recite the actor's lines than to make comments. I know it too well...

    I now have my very own FSE, Eclipse version, for home protection purposes. Thanks for the excuse, JJ!

  6. Screw Summit - this is pretty easy. I think someone can just bring a tape recorder (do they still even make those) and record you three doing the commentary. Then: Pour large glass of wine. Put on Twilight. Turn volume down. Press Play on tape player (yup, pretty sure those are obsolete. Okay, press play on whatever the kids are using these days.) Laugh. Snort. Spit up wine. Rinse, repeat.

  7. Oh, dear god, please, Please, PLEASE figure out how to do a commentary. I would LOVE to hear you all do commentary on the movies. I'll bet someone here could help you figure it out. In fact, I'll bet I could figure it out if I were properly motivated (and actually just being contacted and asked would be motivation enough for me).

    When we went and saw the triple feature at the midnight showing of Eclipse I brought the Rifftrax with me for TW and NM. I almost peed myself laughing it was so freak'n hilarious. Ends up the people around me weren't so happy with my laugh fest. Oh well, douche bags. It was the only way I could make it through TW one more time. I am SO OVER that suck movie. Long Live the books and FanFiction!!!

  8. Screw Summit and their PG-13 rating! There has to be some way to do a voice over or something so you ladies could grace us with what is sure to be fucking hilarious loads of commentary! That would be priceless!

    And by the way, JJ...we love your ego! Even if it is the size of Pattz-Peen! (Which as we know from previous's pretty fucking huge!!! *sigh*)

  9. I was laughing so hard during your mini-commentary clip. Would've been tossed out of the theater. By you, probably.

    Sooo much better than my hub whispering loudly during NM "Why am I here?". Went to Eclipse w/out him, but missed being w/you.


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  11. OH MY GOD "Show me your sparkle peen"

    You definitely need to be on that commentary!!!

    Although any time you can get RPattz to talk for nearly 2 hours (even though we all know he is ready to let the fbombs fly and doesn't, boo) is like a dream :)

  12. oh, please oh please, for those of us too poor to go to FOOORKS and who won't be able to enjoy the viewing. Just load the audio online and make us watch the videos at home while listening to your audio online. Record it in Forks. Please oh please!!!

  13. bahahaha, great post JJ! your captions are priceless.

    I'm sure we'd all love your commentary on an Eclipse dvd. I think Danielle is onto something!

    down with zazzle minions!

  14. ROFL! "show me your sparkle peen"!!! JJ + twilight commentary = priceless! You must record another commentary while in Forks, please!

  15. sigh....I love all you h00rs... mwah!

  16. I can't get over how bad KStew looks in the pic in this post. She can look so good one moment and then look like total shit the next. It actually makes me feel better about myself : ) to know that she is in fact human like the rest of us!

  17. Ahhh Jenny... you really really need to watch Twilight with the commentary. It makes it much better. Cannot get enough of that man's voice. *sigh*

  18. Does your husband or any of the musician buddies have any recording devices? You could do the commentary and just post it somewhere online in MP3 format, like the Rifftrax guys do ( It would be effing hilarious... please please please do this.

  19. Fucking genius. So here's what we do. Set up some recording shit in the bar when we go to our viewing at FOOORRRKKKSSS!!!. Dub it over the movie, and bootleg that shit for all of Twitardia. We'd pay for it! I know I would. Hell, I'd buy a bunch of extra copies so I can say things like "Hear that ungodly moan? That's me!"

    However, I think maybe setting up a video to record us watching the movie would be much more entertaining. Just us, not the movie. Our reactions would be epic. Eyes rolling in the back of our heads, noticeable shifts in seats, legs rubbing together....It could go big. Although, I'm not sure it wouldn't turn into an Audience Participation Party like with Rocky Horror Picture Show. Instead of rice, newspapers, bells, toilet paper, and water guns, we'd be bringing in Red Vines, apples, golden onions, and a couple extra pairs of panties (each). Now that I think of it...


    Loved the vid. And "SHOW ME YOUR SPARKLE PEEN!!!!" made me choke on my gigglesnort. Classy.

  20. There has GOT to be a way you could record a commentary while you're all in Forks and podcast it for the rest of us poor souls who won't be able to make the trip.

    And I am SOOOO with you on the wigs. I've been griping about the hair people since day one. Okay, they're almost forgiven for Twilight because it was "just a little indie" with no budget, but by the time New Moon rolled around, there should have been a big enough budget to keep us from gagging over the pitiful wigs. I keep saying that the hair stylist should be taken out and shot... and then fired. :)

  21. That video is priceless...I would love a commentary of the movies by you three, it would be awesome.

    Dear Summit Ent.
    Please allow the wonderful ladies of Twitarded to do a special DVD commentary of the Twilight Saga movies. You'd have to rate them NC-17, but I can guarantee they would sell. We fuckin <3 these ladies crazy minds and mouths. Much Love.

  22. Watching that vid we made in Central Park makes me want to go watch Twilight. So that's what I'm gonna do. I also was cracking up because you can hear me shushing you at the end of the clip. That pretty much sums us up lol...

    : )

  23. Fuck doing it for Summit. Do it here, on Twitarded. I would pay money to hear your commentary, no matter how slurred your speach gets. Im serious, do it! Do it! DO IT!!!!! And the better part is this time around you can be as disgusting and down right raunchy as you want. We here at Twitardia like that you know.

    I vote for a twifecta version commentary. Im sure the Cullens would agree.

  24. Yes pul-leeeze record your commentary in Forks so we can HEAR!!!!!!!


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