Tuesday, October 26, 2010

And Here I Thought We Were DONE Making Fun Of Twilight Dolls...

There was a time when I thought we'd had our say on the topic of dolls and action figures from the Twilight Saga. Said our peace and were done with it. Over. FINI! Well, I was wrong.

Buff-Yet-Strangely-Adolescent-TorsoWard says BRING IT!

Amazon.com - gawd bless their shopping analytics - happens to know that I've bought a thing or two related to the Twilight Saga in my time. So occasionally [read: probably several times a week - daaaamn, they really KNOW me!], I open my work email to find helpful suggestions and tips on new products I might like... Don't ask me why I have my Amazon account set up to send emails to my work account; probably because I like to obsessively track any purchase I make and that's the email address I am most connected to - like it or not - most days.... But really, the things they send me make me look like a dysfunctional tweener. Anyway, frequently, the things they send me are Twilight related, and a couple of weeks ago, I got a link to the Twilight New Moon Movie Jasper Action Figure:

Jasper AHHHNGRY!!! GRRRRR!!!

It seems an odd choice to base the Jasper action figure on "Jasper the moment Bella gets a paper cut and he decides he's gonna eat her up!!! NOM NOM NOM!!!!" but yeah it looks like that's what they did. For whatever reason. He looks like a fey Incredible Hulk or something...

Of course, the world of Twilight Barbies is fraught with bad decisions... Like Jorts Jacob...


I have chicken legs! Tiny little undeveloped girl-Barbie chicken legs!
Poor Taycob... He worked so hard!

Edward and Bella? Fughettaboutit... At first I thought these dolls were based on characters from the Jersey Shore.... Not as guido as New Moon Mini-Edward, but... As I read somewhere while searching for pics, these dolls look like Edward and Bella after an ill-advised shopping spree in the clearance section at Forever 21...

I mean seriously, what's up with the zipper on her jacket?? It's the size of her head!

Some of the "Official" dolls are better than others...

Not completely terrible...

But of course, "Rachelle Barbie" is way hotter than "Bryce Barbie" - sorry (but at least they toned down those awful fucking Shirley-Temple ringlets that she had in the movie) -
Nobody liked me. I iz sad...

There are still a lot of people out there going their own customized Twilight dolls... Surprisingly, sometimes, the people who do the repaints and one-of-a-kind Twilight dolls really DO get it right! Neca and Mattel, take note! Hire these people! Please!

I'm just going to come out and admit it: I love this one. The eyes are PERFECT.

Rosalie looking more like "Book Rosalie" than "Movie Rosalie" but nice!

Just right! A damn fine Alice...

Sometimes the one-of-a-kinds are kiiiinda CLOSE to right... But don't quite make it... C'mon - it's hard to get Edward just right. Apparently... This is...not awful. Somehow...

Fine, maybe a little too much Twilight-Edward maroon lipstick, but I'm still likin' this...

But of course, we wouldn't be us without taking a moment to mention all of the...also-rans... Some of these made me think it was the Twilight characters if they were dressing up for Halloween:

Edward's Halloween Costume: Johnny Depp from Cry-Baby???

Alice's costume: Vogue's Anna Wintour. She just needs giant sunglasses.
Perfect for your fave vampire fashionista!

Ziggy Stardustward.

And then some are just...inexplicable...

Corpseward??? How do you make the undead look...deader? Well there you go...


I'm not sure why this is supposed to be "Kristen and Rob" and not "Bella and Edward Go Salsa Dancing"


Domward and Goth Bella heading off to a night of fun and games in The Red Room of Pain?


I don't even know what is so horribly wrong with this Rosalie but I know it made me shudder...


...aaaand the piece de resistance - THIS is supposed to be...wait for it...EMMETT!
(no shit.)

Good thing Jenny Jerkface has a birthday coming up next month - I think someone needs a very, very special OOAK Twilight doll to put in the new Lair she's creating in her basement! I wonder how much the Emmett doll goes for? Who's in???

50 comments:

  1. squeeee! I love this post! I'm a Barbie collector as well as a Twi-tard so right on!
    Alice barbie is on my christmas list, I'm freaking PUMPED!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm in for JJ's b-day present. Just set up a paypal. She needs that Emmett doll.

    The Bryce barbie looks hideous to me. Who knew Victoria was a drag queen?

    Oh and book Rosalie? I think they took a page from the movie. Is it just me or does she have a bit of a problem with brown roots JUST around her forehead???

    And why are these doll makers obssessed with putting eye shadow on Edward??

    ReplyDelete
  3. Holy hell!! I be havin some nightmares tonight!! Most of these are soooooo just 18 different kinds of horrible. I shudder at their hanousness.

    I do really like the Edward one with the open white shirt and just the tad to dark lips. I wouldn't be opposed to having that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm in on the present for JJ...

    But, man, Snarky, I am headed to bed and now? Now I'm guaranteed freakish doll nightmares. *goes in search of some Ambien*

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ho-ly shit!! I finished reading this post trying desperately not to wake my boyfriend with my surpressed LOL's!!! Awesome collection of "collectors items"

    did anyone think "I'm Harpo!!" after seeing the Jasper doll?I've watched twilight rifftrax way too many times to admit...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Don't do it, Cullenary Curser!! JJ THREATENED me if i got her that doll.. and you know what an ornery bitch she it! for reals. don't get me hurt, m'kay???

    @agirlinthesouth - ambien?! i came thisclose to asking my doctor for ambien for my red-eye back from forks but i got skeered after i read all the stories about people doing weird shit while they were in an ambien haze - like i'd wake up at gitmo afer doing something on the plane - lol!

    ReplyDelete
  7. @cat - so do you HAVE any of the twilight barbies already??? i need to know!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Well, I am the proud owner of both Barbieward and Barbiecob aka BJ. BJ and I have a particularly close bond these days. But what the hell is up with that First Edward's abnormally huge head to torso ratio?? i am disturbed.

    And HOLY CRAP ON TOAST....as for the ...."enhanced" if you will barbies...I think Trailer Trash Kristen and Rob are my favorite. They look a little coked up to me. Except of course for Emmett...He looks like the missing brother from the Jackson 5

    ReplyDelete
  9. First, I have been regrettably delinquent in my Twitarded commenting because this thing called real life got in the way, but holy fuck, I miss you bitches.

    Also, does the Edward in the "salsa dancing Kristen and Rob" one not look just like that guy Derek from Dancing with the Stars?? Yes???

    Also, EMMETT?! Really?!

    ReplyDelete
  10. @STY - Fine. What about Ziggy Stardustward???? She might not get as stabby if we get her that one.

    ReplyDelete
  11. @STY You guys should develop a Creative Twi-Doll flip-book. It would be a great companion book to Creative Cursing. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm waiting for breaking dawn pregnant Bella!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I tinkled in my panties a little. HAHAHA!!!!!! I think Emmett doll looks more like Lionel Richie. Thank you for the laugh I needed that.

    ReplyDelete
  14. That last one is fucking awesome! I was like, well this one of Jacob isn't too bad...WRONG! LMAO

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oooooh...I think I'm going to get myself a Victoria. I still think she's the coolest Vamp, even in doll form. Lol!

    ReplyDelete
  16. @red_bella - LOL! And when you press her tummy she spurts a fountain of blood.

    I sorta like that Jasper action figure. Mini-E needs someone to talk with as Guido is not real verbal.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I think I know what's wrong with that last Rosalie.....it's a combination of the lazy eye and giant 1980's mall whore hoop earrings.
    OH, and have you ladies seen the Twilight One of a kind My little ponies....I kinda reeeeallly want those.

    ReplyDelete
  18. @Toey Holy shit I died when STY posted Jorts Jake. WIIIILLLLSSSSOOOOOONNNNN!!!!! :)

    @Pimpy RL is an acceptable excuse, but don't forget about your HAPPY HOUR. I can't wait for deets.

    Sigh.....I have Barbieward on his stand in the master bedroom, looking over me at ALL times. The Bentist just makes sure my jewelry case directly lines up with his side of the bed, so Edward can't look at him. More for me! I particularly love this mini-E (or medium-E...he's kinda tall) because HIS CROTCH IS SPARKLY.

    Some of these dolls though....Jesus Carrot Fucking Christ...It's like when I thought I knew how to put liquid eyeliner on in 6th grade! "I'm just trying to make my eyes pop a little bit. I saw it in Cosmo." Riiiiiiight...You just go on thinking that Rocky Raccoon. And who knew they made a bronzer for Barbies?!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Gaah, some of those are just retched! Lisa let me have 1 of her mini-e's...she had a few others at home. I call him "small town ed"...since he's from tiny town in IL and I'm in So Cal ;) Needless to say, he's having a blast in San Diego!

    xo J

    ReplyDelete
  20. Ooooohhhh, I want maroon lipstick Edward. He looks prettay damn fine and can sit on my bedside table!

    Sadly, I only own a mini E and will need to remedy that pronto.

    The 'official' Victoria (both) & Alice barbies look fab and the customised dolls look pretty good too...especially the Rosalie's.

    Flick the freaky looking ones... someone was doing some serious shit when making those!

    How do you go about getting a customised one???

    ReplyDelete
  21. Ok seriously I didn't know Bella was a cracked out hooker from Tijuana who can't keep her lipstick inside the lines (the 'Bella and Edward Go Salsa Dancing dolls). She looks like the spanish version of this:

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_toxDcNZARlM/S-gx-l6FAiI/AAAAAAAAEaU/FOgyvT4PZmU/s400/04951014_.jpg

    I don't know why but I'm semi envious of some of the Edward dolls' cheek bones. The Rosalie doll is fucking creepy... and whoever thought that Emmett and John Travolta have the same lips is delusional.

    Nothing will ever be more creepy to me than that Old Esme doll that you guys posted in one of your previous blogs. It still haunts my nightmares.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm with @ red_bella, Jenny needs a pregnat Bella for her birthday!!! If the people who are making these dolls can mess 'em up THIS bad, imagine what they can do with "pregnat Bella" Hmmmm.. prrroooject ;)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Gah! My eyes. I still the original Mini E is the best.

    I actually own the Edward Barbie...my brother actually gave it to me for Christmas last year. It is hideous. I have never taken it out of the packaging. I doubt it will be worth anything one day but you never know.

    I want the life-size blow up Robward. When is that coming out. It should come with optional attchment for The Vamp...which I already own. :P

    ReplyDelete
  24. Ew. Just ew. *shudders*

    That is all.


    P.S. @VitaminR70 - when those become available for pre-order, could you please give me a head's up?

    Kthksbye.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Admittedly there are a few mini Edwards in my twi-stash. And I might want a few more... Some of those custom ones are pretty awesome... But some of the others. Just plain fugly.

    Kristen & Rob? Srsly? Dreadful!

    That last Rosalie one looks totes like a Nicole Ritchie doll!!!

    And Emmett? Looks more like Vinnie Barbarino to me! And wtf is with the lilac sweater?

    thanks for the giggles STY!!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. I do have the Barbie dolls Twilight Edward, Twilight Bella, New Moon Jacob, New Moon Victoria, and Eclipse Alice. I wasn't aware there was another Victoria. Although there is a Jane Barbie coming out soon. There are all proudly displayed in my own hidey hole in my basement along with my life size Edward cut out. Yes, I may have a serious problem.

    ReplyDelete
  27. @Red Bella - a preggers Bella Barbie?! NOOOOOO!!! although if the DO make on, agreed that she has to spurt blood - lmao!

    Comments are cracking me up today... and i needed that - so thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Ok, so glad I didn't look at this before I went to bed last night because Emmett would have given me some serious nightmares.... especially that stupid fucking cardigan he's wearing. WTF??

    ReplyDelete
  29. Wow. I had no idea the plethora of Twilight inspired dolls out there! And quite frankly, I'm fantastically horrifed by most of them! lol

    I have the Twilight Edward from Neca. He has a lot of trouble standing upright without falling over. I keep telling him to lay off the booze but he tells me that if I had to put up with Bella's constant stuttery whining, open-mouthed stares and chicklet teeth, I'd be hitting the bottle every damn day too. The man's got a point.

    Hilarious post, STY :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. um....you guys...... http://twilightdolls.wordpress.com/

    @Lindsay -hhahahahahahhahahahhah Jorts.

    ReplyDelete
  31. If you get me any of these dolls for my birthday I'm going to kick your ass.

    Except for the pregnant Bella that vomits blood. I'm oddly okay with that concept.

    ReplyDelete
  32. ha - those are fkg hilarious! especially the edward and bella "salsa dancers" - the edward looks like a really retarded benicio del toro. not a good look there.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I like those hand made, really pretty ones of Rosalie, Alice, & Victoria. Of course I don't own ANY dolls because they creep me fuck out. But whoever painted those ones has some talent for sure.

    Pregnant, blood vomiting Bella?? That could be a fun conversation starter. Or a way to keep people away from me. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  34. The Corpseward looks like Hayden Christenson, who I envisioned in the book anyway. Emmet could have very well been an Afro-American backwoods guy. I mean, think about it. His curls. He may have at least descended from those roots. Who knows? LOL!!!
    I hate dolls, but I do own Edward, and I would snatch up that TOTALLY Rochelle look-a-like. That was perfect!

    ReplyDelete
  35. I totally want the Ziggystardustward. Just so I can reclothe him and actually just make him Ziggy Stardust.

    ReplyDelete
  36. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE of these hideous dolls give me the dry voms. Srsly. And this is coming from a woman with a stomach of steel. IMHO, the only kind of Twilight "doll" that should exist is a life-sized silicone Edward that's both "portable" (for easy hiding) and anatomically correct.

    It's hard to believe in an age where computers can scan faces and replicate them EXACTLY that toy manufacturers can't even come CLOSE to producing a doll that accurately coveys the breathtaking beauty that is Rob's face. TOTAL, EPIC FAILSAUCE.

    Don't even get me started on that fucking wax Rob...

    ***coughLooksMoreLikePatrickDempseycough***

    #EndRant

    Love you whores!

    MC

    ReplyDelete
  37. The "Rob" in the Kristen and Rob Salsa looks totally like the Ricky I-forget-his-last-name who sung "Livin' la vida loca" No?
    Yikes!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Fuck - now I'll HAVE to buy the Victoria Barbie. She'll look great in between my I Dream of Jeannie Barbie and my Scarlett O'Hara Barbie. (Yes, I have those and many others). How come you twats always manage to find a way to make me part with my money?

    LOL @ redbella. Pregnant Bella Barbie with Edward Barbie next to her gnawing at her belly. I can envision them prominently displayed on my shelf now...

    ReplyDelete
  39. On Jasper: "He looks like a fey Incredible Hulk or something" Oh yes!

    But truly, the last doll- the one that was supposed to be Emmett, jeebus WTF?! Maybe just maybe, Taycob - but EMMETT? (the tears are still falling)

    ReplyDelete
  40. OK, now I'm completely humiliated that not only do I own ALL of the Pocket Edwards (plus one Pocket Bella!), but I also own the Tonner Edward and Bella. I have nothing to say in my defense, except...well, no, never mind. I have nothing.

    OH WAIT! I KNOW! At least I don't own the Salsa Dancers, right?? Poor "Edward" looks like when I make a character in Sims and I accidentally blow the eyes up too big.

    I'd be all on Maroon Lip Edward if I could afford him, though -- haters gonna hate, but that's the fax. And I gotta say, this is pretty amazing, in an Uncanny Valley-type way: http://bit.ly/bLmEAj

    Ack. I'm so embarrassed. *slinks away*

    ReplyDelete
  41. This whole business is just bizarre. I will not be putting any of these on my Christmas list. The FSE Mama Cougar described, however...

    ReplyDelete
  42. That WRONG Rosalie looks like Nikki Reed is trapped inside screaming to get out. Like the evil witch-cheerleading-obsessed-Mum in Buffy S1 E3. (yeah i didn't look it up! Rock! Actually crap it might be S1 E2...)

    PS loooooving that TexasKatherine is on board.

    PPS veri-word: Gientari.

    What, like, collective genitals?

    ReplyDelete
  43. Holy Fuck- Emmett looks like Lionel Richie. That is just all kinds of wrong.
    Fucking creepy

    ReplyDelete
  44. LMAO!! Love the post!

    Action figures like Mini E and B a la Twilight I can handle. Twilight dolls? Not so much. If the dolls in your post (with a couple exceptions I guess) found their way into my house I would shove them down the garbage disposal and then bring in a priest or someone to "cleanse" my home.

    I know some people love dolls like this but... {{shudder}} ...creepy.

    Emmett?? Really??? Turkish peasant Emmett perhaps.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Holy shit! Those are some fugly dolls! Although I think I've fallen in love with Twilight-Edward w/ maroon lipstick. My daughter just came into the living room to see what I was laughing at! Gah! You ladies get me in trouble way too much.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Okay at first I was like the Jasper is actually a pretty good likeness, cuz he looked like shit in the movie too, but the more I look at it the more I think its trying to steal my soul with the freaky eyes.

    @Vitamin R - I really liked your idea, until I read @Mamacougar's idea and I definitely want the LS Robward she describes and I'm glad I have a walk-in closet to store him in. But I do have one question for you: Vamp huh? Have you tried it frozen yet? JK what that might be like.

    ReplyDelete
  47. LMAO!! Love the post!

    Action figures like Mini E and B a la Twilight I can handle. Twilight dolls? Not so much. If the dolls in your post (with a couple exceptions I guess) found their way into my house I would shove them down the garbage disposal and then bring in a priest or someone to "cleanse" my home.

    I know some people love dolls like this but... {{shudder}} ...creepy.

    Emmett?? Really??? Turkish peasant Emmett perhaps.

    ReplyDelete
  48. That WRONG Rosalie looks like Nikki Reed is trapped inside screaming to get out. Like the evil witch-cheerleading-obsessed-Mum in Buffy S1 E3. (yeah i didn't look it up! Rock! Actually crap it might be S1 E2...)

    PS loooooving that TexasKatherine is on board.

    PPS veri-word: Gientari.

    What, like, collective genitals?

    ReplyDelete
  49. The "Rob" in the Kristen and Rob Salsa looks totally like the Ricky I-forget-his-last-name who sung "Livin' la vida loca" No?
    Yikes!

    ReplyDelete
  50. If you get me any of these dolls for my birthday I'm going to kick your ass.

    Except for the pregnant Bella that vomits blood. I'm oddly okay with that concept.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!