Monday, October 18, 2010

Can I Call You Edward?

You know how every once in a while, we like to talk about our Freebie Five lists - you know, the five famous people you can fuck and your significant other can't do a blessed fucking thing about it? What? You don't have one? Well you need one badly! [And apparently I need to revisit mine... it's been a while.] Come on, there must be some celebrity or musical crush you wouldn't mind doing the horizontal tango with! I've actually always had a hard time keeping my list a five. I'm such a fucking whore like that.

Not shitting you... google "Freebie Five" and this picture comes up! Like it's fate or something.

In the early days of my old pre-Twitarded blog, Ramblings of a Latchkey Wife [don't try looking for it, I shut that bitch down], one of my first posts was about my List of Five:


Friday, May 22, 2009 - here's my freebie five from waaaaay back then -
1. Johnny Depp
2. Robert Pattinson
3. Tom Brady
4. Leonardo DiCaprio
5. Mike Rowe
Fast forward to October 18, 2010 - my list has changed considerably -
1. Robert Pattinson
2. Robert Pattinson
3. Robert Pattinson
4. Robert Pattinson
5. Johnny Depp
Johnny only made it in there because you really can't go from #1 to falling off the list completely. Tom Brady gets knocked out because he's turned into a giant pussy since he married Gisele and his fucking Bieber hair makes me want to hurl. If I could have a top 10, that would really make my life a lot easier. Who's bright idea was it to make it a list of five? Make it ten and my chances would really increase. Can I put Forks Husband on the list? Even though he's not famous... yet. But more on him later... MUCH more.

You're lucky this time Johnny...just please don't let yourself go, mkay? I'd hate to have ax you from the list.

Why am I dredging this up you ask? I never really have given the list to my husband and now that he's expressed an interest in, ahem, "having relations" with some famous women, this shit needs to be laid out on the table - you know, just in case I'm presented with the opportunity, I think he should be prepared. Seems the hubs has a bit of a thing for Kourtney Kardashian {{throwing up in mouth a little}} and he doesn't hide the fact that he'd like to do some naughty things with/to her. I'm fairly certain she occupies all five slots on his list. And I'm okay with this.

Um, maybe I see a why he wants to do bad things to her... maybe. Just a little bit.

But then something happened the other night that makes me not okay with the Kourtney obsession. We're hanging out on the couch - Mr. LKW's watching "Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami" and I'm glued to Twitter on my iPad like any other night. He turns to me and says "Can I call you Kourtney?" I look up from my very important tweeting and say "Can I call you Edward?" He's all like "Um, no, why would you wanna call me Edward?" And I'm all "If you think I'm gonna let you call me Kourtney without something in return, you're delusional." So he totally shoots down the calling him Edward thing and I tell there's no way in hell he's calling me Kourtney and we go back to our evening activities. Plus, I tell him, he doesn't dress gay enough for Kourtney to even give him a second look... so there.

Too bad Mr. LKW could never get his hair to look like this because I'd totally dress him up like this in a second. Hmmmm... maybe I'll buy him a wig.

It's not like he has no idea who Edward is. I think I completely caught him off guard. And you see, I don't openly talk about the dirty things I imagine myself doing to RPattz so unless he's been sneaking some peaks at some of my posts on Twitarded, I'm pretty sure he's clueless. [And since he hasn't filed for divorce, I'm guessing he's never visited this blog.]

So tell me... does your significant other know what dirty things you would do to Rob given the chance? Is he okay with it? Or is he jealous you won't give him the same "special treatment"*?

Yup... you always get the special treatment. Aaaaany way you want it.

*By "special treatment," I mean if my husband wants to put it in my butt, I say NO WAY... but if Rob wanted to... I think I would say "Pass the lube, baby!" and temporarily remove the "Exit Only!" sign. Maybe.

81 comments:

  1. A woman after my own heart...:fist bumps LKW: Yeah, my hubs totally knows the vile disgusting sweaty things I'd do to/for/with Rob...he's totes not ok with it....his jealousy is borderline psychotic. Alas, I do not give a flying monkey fuck and openly drool over my pics of Robporn whilst listening to my Robert Pattinson playlist on my 63" bigscreen (puter is hooked to the tv...giant robgasm anyone? )while he's in the room and aware of my activities. A girl's gota have dreams right?!

    ReplyDelete
  2. So funny. Mr. Twopeas and I sat around at a BBQ this summer (several martini's into the night) and talked with 4 other couples about our 5 list. I couldn't get past one. Nope. Just one. "So, since I only have 1, could I do him 5 times for 'free'". That is how it works right!?

    Mr. Twopeas list was totally pathetic. People like Jessica Biel. REALLY? Aren't her 10 min. of fame up?? So I kept telling him if I swung for the other team Ashley Greene would be on my list. He thought I was nuts. Then I googled Ashley for him. He'd never seen her w/ long hair. Now she's his #1. And I'm totally ok with that.

    My hubs would have nixed the 'Edward' too. He def. would have nixed the 'Rob'. Although lately, he's been sending me texts asking me to do him random annoying favors ('can you text me scores of the FSU/Miami game while I'm out watching the hockey game?' WHAT THE F am I sportscenter?) He signs these texts 'luv, RP' Because he says I would do these annoying things for Rob w/o question. He's right. I'd remove the exit sign too. But NO WAY IN HELL I'm telling hubs that... Then he's LET me call him anything I wanted...

    rofl. You ladies continue to kill me. =).

    ReplyDelete
  3. While I would love to call my DH Edward based on my obssession with The Precious, I will not even entertain the thought of asking....Edward is my father-in-law's name....everyone, can I get a collective "ewwwww"? (And he is not the hot FIL type that, say Dr. Cullen, would be - yum). I do, however, sometimes ask if I can throw glitter on him so he can sparkle...sadly, he does not let me, which is just as well since that stuff is the herpes of the craft's world.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Many thanks as always, LKW. You get us laughing and then thinking. I also look forward to reading more lists. (Ryan Gosling anyone?)

    But totally f-ing fascinating to me is your response to the "Can I call you Kourtney" question. You said: Can I call you Edward--right? Not Rob. Edward.

    I suppose it could be counterproductive to squish an SO male's ego with a real life competitor.

    But while looking at Rob takes my breath away, anytime, any place, and at the risk of sounding like (gag) Belsten: It was always Edward.

    Is that what you were deep down thinking, too?

    ReplyDelete
  5. So I asked my hubby what my answer would be to your questions: "does your significant other know what dirty things you would do to Rob given the chance? Is he okay with it? Or is he jealous you won't give him the same "special treatment"*?"

    His answer - you don't want to do dirty things to Rob.
    My answer - hubby is absolutely right. I like Rob but I really don't want to do Rob. I will leave him all for you to have fun with ;)

    ReplyDelete
  6. My Hubs knows of my adoration... for Rob.. he knows Edward brougt me in.. and it took a really long time for to get to him STOP buying me Edward things.. I know I kow.. I adore Edwrad, but he's fictional.. and I just out and out love the real thing!

    Rob would be in all five places for me abd if it were a list of ten, he's be in all ten... and so on and so on... I have never wanted a freebee before Rob.. ever.. weird?

    I think if my hibs knew the extent of my adoration for Rob.. he would totally bust a nut... he doesn't like the idea of it now..

    Funny but I think he could handle if the list held five different name son it... but one name .. the same name in every space...that would totally mak ehim pissy.

    And and...

    @Porphyrias_Curse .. ahhhh... can I come over to your house to play? just asking :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I never had a five freebie list before. I've always been a real faithful true-blue woman, and I honestly never lusted after anyone [famous or not] other than my husband du jour. Well . . . there was that time when I wanted to marry Ringo Starr, but I was just a kid, so I really wasn't thinking about doing anything more than kissing him on our honeymoon!

    But now . . . oh have mercy! My list of five would be
    Edward
    Rob
    Edward
    Rob
    Robward

    And I dream about the precious EVERY night! My husband is clueless. But thats probably because he doesn't notice me much anyway. And that's probably why he is soon to be my ex-husband. IKR?

    WV: inita
    Inita real night with Robward - not just in my dreams!

    ReplyDelete
  8. my husband is a completely jealous prick who has been so vocal about his disgust with my obsession with The Pretty that if he knew for reals about all the things I would let that man do to me, i'm sure it would induce the life-insurance policy granting heart attack that i've feared for years. Never the less, it won't keep me from having The Precious occupy the top 3 slots of my top 5....and as always, LKW, thanks for the totally awesome post!!!! I so heart you for saying out loud what so many of us keep to ourselves!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ya know, I thought for sure my hubs was totally on to me and my Rob "situation." He can certainly still hear all the right clicking while he watches Top Gear. But then one day, as he's scrolling the Tivo list, he says,"Why did you tape the Teen Choice Awards? Is fuckin Taylor Lautner on or something?"
    I chuckled at his naivete & gave myself an internal hi-five for getting away with whatever it is I am up to.
    He & I don't have lists per se, but we've long ago established The Gyllenhaal Clause. Jake for moi, Mags for him. I have figuratively re-laminated to include Rob, of course. But why cause friction by re-negotiating our agreement? He gets Suicide Girls, and I get to do bad things to pretend Rob!
    As long as he doesn't start drinking in Wichita bars, RL Rob will probably never have the chance to get in my pants, anyways.

    ReplyDelete
  10. BTW, This one time, my husband let me dress him up like Billy Idol, and then he pulled my hair and gave me rough sex. He's a good man.

    ReplyDelete
  11. So funny, LKW! Why did you shut that bitch "Ramblings" down?

    I think my list is a lot like yours, only instead of Johnny (ummmm, I saw a preview for "The Tourist" and hate to break it to you, but Johnny may have to get the axe - not looking his best), I'd have James MacAvoy. Hummina. Atonement wall sex, anyone?

    My husband, since the very beginnings of the Robsession, has had a good sense of humor about it. He just laughed when I would go on and on and said, "Man, that guy must get so much ass." He's a class act, btw. My husband, that is.

    I think any jealousy he would've had has been counteracted by the extreme uptick in schmexing he's been getting the last year. I think, and this is just a guess, that if he ever met Rob (and OMG, I'm getting chills just thinking about it) that he'd give him a high five.

    Alright, now I'm mentally stuck on meeting Rob, so must sign off. Night!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Mr. Monster has always had a thing for Angelina Jolie. Quite honestly, if she offered to do him I'd probably have to join that party, b/c she is just smokin' hot. He doesn't know that cause if he did he might be hunting her down.

    My top 5 list:

    1. Rob Pattinson
    2. Edward Cullen (fuck off, it's my list)
    3. Kellan Lutz
    4. Jackson Rathbone
    5. Peter Facinelli

    I'm sure before Twilight there might have been someone on my list (Johnny Depp of course was one), but obviously I've been changed by my OCD. Say it, say it out loud. My freak flag is flying high!

    BTW, just bought Remember Me on DVD and am watching it with the Rob-commentary right now. Da-yum, boy is he tasty!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh, and thanks LKW, for the Mr. Depp photo. That's goin' straight into the spank bank. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  14. My hubs has no idea I want to fuck RPattz senseless, and I'm glad he doesn't. However, he has reaped many benefits from my obsessive reading of Twi-smut :) Fanfic is great for the sex life!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Since I don't have a SO I think the closest story I have to that is my fuck buddy asking me if I think about him when I masturbate and I said first I think about RPattz and then I might think of him...he he he

    ReplyDelete
  16. @LKW-Mike Rowe-oh yeah! He'd be on my 5. And Robert Downey Jr. J Depp. Sean Bean (In British Rifles green)And that hot professor that gave a guest lecture in my class last spring.

    Sorry,but I can't fantasize about sex with someone who's less than half my age. Too much of an ick factor there.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Yes, Rob is at the top of any fantasy list...which is just fueled on by all the TwiPorn I read. Sadly, when I did meet him last March I had to smile and control those evil thoughts. For now its just me and my life-size Edward cutout that my husband has to worry about.

    ReplyDelete
  18. @Porphyrias_Curse - please please invite me to the playdate @Kelly requested at your house... 63 inches of Rob > hell yes!!

    @tankergirl - lmao about the teen choice awards on the DVR. My hubs is STILL trying to figure out why the hell I freaked out when he deleted it! "You don't even know any of the people who were on that!".... Oh clueless hubs -- LOOK at that front row!!
    I deleted all his Mythbusters & Dirty Jobs (shout out to Mike Rowe) to get back at him. BWAHAHAH!

    Sadly - after I posted my orig. comment I asked hubs about the 'getting 5 freebies with one person if there is only one on your list'. He assures me it DOES NOT work that way. And then had to be a bastard and add: 'Robert Pattinson is never walking through that door honey'. Buzz kill.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I seriously just sent this list to my RL BFF a couple of weeks ago.

    Here is my list of celebrities I want to fuck.

    1. Rob Pattinson (duh)
    2. Rob Pattinson
    3. Rob Pattinson
    4. Patrick Dempsey
    5. Chris Noth
    6. Bill Clinton (yes, still)
    7. Colin Firth (another Brit)
    8. George Clooney
    9. JFK (it's ok to list dead people, right?)
    10. JFK Jr. (since I've opened that bucket of worms)

    My hubs is currently in Afghanistan, and he only has a tiny inkling of how bad I want Rob. (Admittedly, he just asked for a toboggan and I sent him a black beanie.) It's rough not having sex with a RL partner (and not a battery operated bullet) while reading MOTU!

    Great post!

    ReplyDelete
  20. LKW!!! I love ya! My thoughts exactly!! Wish I could have gone to Forks to give ya a big ol squeeze! And that smoking Rob pic dies me everytime!! If that walked in my house I wouldnt think twice to walk right past the hubs and drag Rob off to the boudoir! Le Sigh! Thanks for your posts! Oh and btw what is up with the way Kourtney K's gay man dresses? Blech!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. LMAO - I just need to say "AMEN" about Tom Brady's Bieber hair! I said the same thing when I saw that commercial he's on now. (FYI, though, if he ever cuts it and makes it back on the list, he grew up with some of my cousins, so I may be able to introduce you...) ;)

    ReplyDelete
  22. 1. Robert Pattison
    2. Edward Cullen

    Then just keep rotating from there. My hubs knows about my obsession with all thing RPattz - he's ok with it. For the most part. If I started yelling out, "Oh Edward" or "Robert" -during our "private" time -- I'm sure he would go ape shit. So I keep that to myself.

    But I totally agree LKW - no to the hubs on rear entry - but if given the opportunity with Robert Pattinson - I would gladly remove the "exit only" sign!! Anything he wants to do to/with me is fine by me!! Of course, we had to sterilize his peen to get the KStew off first --- that craps nasty! Why he wants her is beyond me!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm sorta on the same page as DD. I don't really want to "do" Rob. Ok, that sounds blasphemous right? If I was single and had the opportunity, hell yeah I'd do him...but for some reason I don't really fantasize about doing him. I find him stunningly beautiful and hawt in more ways than one...but I rarely fantasize about him that way.

    HOWEVER, maybe it's because I have yet to see him in any roles where he's a man whore...man whore's turn me on ;)

    PS I'll tell Tom Brady you hate his Bieber hair..that's if he comes by my desk.

    xo J

    ReplyDelete
  24. Bwhahaah love that a pic of the pretteh comes up when you google "Freebie Five," as it well should:)

    My freebie 5:
    1. Rob (durr..Rob's gotta be on top.. and twss)
    2. Edward.. but the one that's Fifty Shades of Fucked up;)
    3. Robward
    4. Eric Northman
    5. The Stew (Sue me [Shonda]! lol.. I have a girl crush!) Um have you seen The Scream Award pix?!

    I have no fucking clue what the bf's top 5 would be.. but I suspect it'd include something like Megan Fox or some shit *rolls eyes*

    ReplyDelete
  25. Btw all those people on my list are real... to me... in my head ;)

    ReplyDelete
  26. @ two peas and kelly...Hells yeah you can come to my place to enjoy the giant robwardness. I say we stage a revolt kick my hubs out and watch nothing but twilight/remember me and biel videos....a good night no?

    my top 5~ 1)Rob 2)Rob 3)Rob 4)Trent Reznor 5)Marilyn manson ~ I've had the last 2 on my list since I was 17...just feels wrong getting rid of them now.
    My husband says the five list doesn't count if you are actively seeking out the people on it....(so I've written a few letters, contacted BD casting, and have plans to go to Baton Rouge for a week..riding my bike by day and pub hopping the open mics at night)Not my fault he once met his #1 Tori Amos and couldn't form a coherent thought.... In all honestly tho, I think I'd be more comfortable just hanging out w the pretty, smoking cigarettes and discussing books....My whorishness is strictly in my head.

    ReplyDelete
  27. *giggles* I totally just_googled freebie five!

    If I HAD a significant other *sigh*

    1. Rob
    2. Edward
    3. Robward
    4. Tyler Hawkins
    5. Jacob Jankowski... sure the movie isn't out & I still haven't read the book but damn he looks hot in the set pics!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Here's my top 5!!!
    1) Rob Pattinson
    2) Fifty (oh my..)
    3) Twilight Edward
    4) Rob (again)
    5) Fifty (Rob & Fifty?!)

    Totally agree w/ removing the "exit only sign" - I would let Rob/Fifty/Edward do WHATEVER he wanted =P

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hmmm. This is a tricky one!! My Top 5 list is almost identical to yours except replace number 5 with numbers 1-4.

    And no, I'm not sure that darling husband DOES know what I'd do with Rob... He's very forgiving of my Rob "crush" as he calls it and said to me the other day that we don't have a problem until I prefer Rob over him.

    Erm....

    No, no... I love them both equally but DIFFERENTLY. Right????

    ReplyDelete
  30. Um yeah. Mr TM knows I love Edward. What he doesn't know is my love/lust for both Rob & Kellan eclipsed my love for Edward nearly a year ago.

    No worries about Mr TM getting jealous since he drools so openly over Alice. Last night he choose to watch Twilight again just so he could see Alice.

    Last thursday I added a new one to my Fab Five while watching Grey's Anatomy. Did you see Avery when he removed his shirt!!! I am died. That man goes right below Kellan, Rob & Jackson on th list.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I have no significant other -le sigh- but I do have a list ready for when I find him.
    1. Rob
    2. Jackson Rathbone
    3. Matthew Gray Gubler
    4. Johnny Depp
    5. Colin Farrell

    FYI Edward is not on there because I have a seperate list for the fictionals lol

    ReplyDelete
  32. Dh totes knows the dirty things I'd do to Edward, but not to Rob. I don't know what makes him okay with it, but I can get my inner whore on with Edward anytime (fictional character), but as soon as I start lusting after Rob (real man), the hub's claws come out. Let the man rationalize it as he pleases, Edward/Rob same damn sexy fingers in the mouth for me.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I have always had a "pass", as my husband and I call it. One person who you could spend a lust-filled night with if given the opportunity. And it can't be, like, Craig from Accounting. Mine was always Bono. (I know, we're going back to 1987, okay?) Well, I decided it was high time to let the hubby know that I have revised my Pass to The Pretty. I chose a recent family dinner night at Red Robin to break the news. His reply: "Pass the ketchup". So I would say, no, my husband doesn't mind that I want to do naughty things to a total stranger...

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oh no he di'int! He srsly asked if he could call you Kourtney? Not cool. And ew! Love your comeback though-brilliant!!!

    Mr. NotSmitten is quite aware (and not impressed by) my crush... though I'm not sure if he knows just how ROBsessed I am. I wouldn't want to call him Edward or Rob, that would just plain ruin my fun! And yes, Rob gets a whole different set of rules... no hard limits for him!!

    I'd happily put Rob on my freebie list 5x if it would increase my odds... but otherwise my list looks like this: Robert Pattinson, Bradley Cooper, Jackson Rathbone, Joshua Holloway, Matthew McConaughey

    Honourable mentions include Kellan, PFach, Brad Pitt (young Brad, YUM), George Clooney and Viggo Mortenson

    ReplyDelete
  35. Ah yes, the list. ML and I have definitely discussed the "free" pass and we're cool with it. Mainly because we both know it will never, ever happen.

    Unfortunately, because I primarily live under a rock and don't know actors as well as I should mine are mostly Twi related.

    1) Rob/Edward.
    2) Eric Northman/whatever this guys real name is
    3) Jackson Rathbone (even though I think I would make this boy cry if I ever got him into bed)
    4) Rob Zombie (don't judge me, assholes. This guy would probably be fuckawesome in bed because he's dark and twisted. Plus, I can't think of any other dark and twisted guy at the moment.)
    5) Honus Honus from Man Man. The only reason he's not number #2 is because there is one degree of separation between us and if I ever met him at a party I'd feel kind of awkward that he was high up on my list.

    ReplyDelete
  36. My husband is well aware of my Rob love, while he won't let me call him Edward (I asked-and received a withering look), he's pretty cool with it. He scoffs at the idea that Rob would be at all good in bed. Well scoff away honey, but I'd be more than willing to give him a shot. Since he knows all about my Robcrush, he chose Helena Bonham Carter as his celeb crush. Hey, as long as he's ok with me banging Rob (should the opportunity present itself) I have no problem with HBC.

    ReplyDelete
  37. teehee! I love it! We also have a Top 5 as well. Mine are:

    - Robert Pattinson
    - Martin Gore
    - Matt Bellamy
    - Joey McIntyre
    - Jackson Rathbone

    (I used to have Joey McIntyre and Trent Reznor on there too, but eh...Johnny was on my list for a long time but now I just respect him TOO much - I know!)

    His are (which I highly approve of all except for lucy lui):

    - Milla jovovich
    - Julianne Moore
    - Lucy Lui
    ...crap I can't remember the other 2...obviously I only approved of the top 2 and was pissed about the 3rd ;)

    ReplyDelete
  38. wow, I'm retarded. I put Joey on my list and then said I took him off. stupid no coffee typos

    ReplyDelete
  39. i am single. and my breakup was partly due to my fanfic obsession. apparently my voracious reading offended his sensibilities. we had been together for a long time, and there were plenty of other problems, but i think my propensity for reading about robsex was the straw that broke my ex's back.

    assuming that rob would occupy all 5 spots if i were being honest, here's my list excluding him. crazy to think about, i know.

    1. gael garcia bernal (the science of sleep, motorcycle diaries, y tu mama tambien)
    2. david tennant (he's the doctor from doctor who. he's a fucking mad genius who time travels and constantly saves the universe. take me, doctor. take me!)
    3. jesse eisenberg (i LOVE nerds)
    4. ewan mcgregor (once he opened his mouth and sang, all was lost)
    5. alexander skarsgard aka eric northman (no explanation necessary)

    wv: "tomortal" how apropos.

    ReplyDelete
  40. OK I lurk here I think I have commented once or twice but had to comment on this one
    For years I have sat back and listened to my hubs and bro in laws discuss the lady celebs they woul do so one day I chimed in and gave my list out
    1. Rob
    2. Rob
    3. Rob
    4. Rob
    5. Changes between Josh Duhamel, Paul Walker, and Bradley Cooper

    My Hubs list
    1. Carrie Underwood ( I have nicknamed her Carrie Underhiswood cause that is where he wants her)
    2. Jessica Alba
    3.. Halle Berry
    4. Megan Fox ( I told him really she's not very smart you know, his reply but she has a killer body and I am sure she would be a great lay, OK had to give him credit there)
    5. Kim kardashian ( really what is up with these kardashian sisters I guess it's cause they have a ass something that I am lacking)

    So does my hubs know about what I want to do to Rob Um I am pretty sure he has an idea but he knows if he complains he wont be getting anything, Rob has vamped up our sex life so no complaints yet from the hubs in this household, Plus he knows if he does complain I have something to use against him, a few months ago I was woke up at 3 in the morning by a moaning sound I realized it was the hubs and sat there and listened to him for few min. he started saying right there Carrie yes baby that feels so good ugh dont stop carrie and so on I punched him in the gut to wake him up, he sat straight up in bed and said what the hell was that for, I said want to explain what the dream was about, Um well carrie and I were you know,
    " yeah kinda got that with the moaning and oh carrie that feels so good don't stop."
    "yeah it was good so since were both awake do you want to finish where she left off"
    I said Screw you asshole and rolled over and went back to sleep

    ReplyDelete
  41. Awesomeness in a dirty post. Love u gals. all of you. i still dont think I'd remove that exit only sign...at least not at first :)

    ReplyDelete
  42. You know what?? I do have just the Rob list... but if pushed I would have to add:

    1) Rob Pattinson
    2) Jackson Rathbone (preferably 1 and 2 together and I'm the filling in the sandwich)
    3) Gary Oldman
    4) Josh Holloway
    5) Nicolas Cage/Sean Bean.... can't decide... (National Treasure almost killed me)

    Edward doesn't make it on there because I don't see the point in adding a fictional guy to the list of free passes? (like all the other guys are SO going to happen!!)

    I asked Mr EeeGee in the past who would be on his list. He immediately became Ross from Friends. "Ooo this needs some thought" He could only definitively say Julia Roberts is on there. And now every time he sees a woman he thinks is hot he says "SHE could be on my list" I think we're up to about 20 now, so he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

    ReplyDelete
  43. aaah! Of course EeeGee would say Gary Oldman (who has always been on my list) because she's my Wondertwin! (inside joke)

    also, I agree with all you alexander skarsgard fans ;)

    ReplyDelete
  44. Of course Cat!! Trans-Atlantic telepathy!! And Gary Oldman is some kind of god....

    ReplyDelete
  45. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This cracks me up! I have never been married & I still have this list (just in case) or the top five. It's changed quite a few times but now...well...in no particular order.
    1. Joe Manganiello (Alcide on True Blood)
    2. Robert Pattinson
    3. Alex Skarsgard (Erik Northman on True Blood)
    4. Kellen Lutz
    5. Jared Padalecki
    I want to have 10 of them though!! It would make it so much easier! Also I would probably let them get away with pretty much anything they want in the sack. As long as there is no other chic but I'll take two of these guys at one time. That would be ok. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  46. Mr. Junkie totally knows about my Rob obsession & seems to be fine with it. We even re-named his cock from Thor to Edward....now THAT's a good man!

    ReplyDelete
  47. @LKW - I love you hard, you are so awesome. I love this post and "Can I call you Edward?" LMFAO so hard I had to tell my hubby about it.

    My hubby knows of my twisession but doesn't know the true extent of my lust for all things Rob, especially his eyes, and mouth, and jaw, and hair, and fingers, mmmmm fingers...wait what was I saying? Oh yeah, hubby rolled his eyes at the mention of "The 5 list", although I'm sure given the chance he'd have no probs filling the list.

    So here's my list:
    1. Rob(Duh)
    2. Fifty (a little Red Room of Pain with Rob would be more than fun, I'm sure.)
    3. Tattward (from CW&IA - cause he's fucking haawwwt and I would love a tattoo covered Rob)
    4. Kellan Lutz (but if I ever saw that 'V' in person my heart would actually stop beating and I would literally fucking melt into a puddle of goo! Just thinking about it make me squirm.)
    5. It's a tie between:
    -Jackson Rathbone (he gets me with that wink and crooked smile)
    -Dane Cook (ala My Best Friend's Girl)
    -Jason Statham (yummy accent & abs)
    -Jared Leto (this goes back to HS)
    -Christian Bale (dark and broody Batman)
    -Edward Norton (cuz have you ever seen American History X? - I'm not into the whole white supremacy thing, but he was fucking hawt in that movie.)

    ReplyDelete
  48. 1. Rob Pattinson
    2. Gerald Butler
    3. Justin Timberlake
    4. Damon Salvatore(the actor, not the character!)
    5. Jim from The Office

    I know, one of these things is not like the other, but it's my list....

    And I am pretty willing to do anything hubs wants to do, but sadly....he is not all that interested in sex. No, not getting it elsewhere, he is just sort of not intertested. Guess that happens after fifteen years together?

    ReplyDelete
  49. Very funny!

    Mr. Bitch FINALLY gets that I love Rob, not vampires, so thankfuck he's laid off the attempts at vampire smexy talk.

    I called him Rob once and he responded by calling me Kristen. Let's just say that was a total buzz kill.

    I did ask him the other day if he would change his name to Robert Pattinson, so I could say I was married to Robert Pattinson. I think he's considering it! I mean, think about the possible advantages..

    My freebie list used to include Kevin Costner and John Cusack, and I'm sure others I can't think of at the moment.

    Now it's just Rob and Andy Roddick. I really need to expand it, don't I? Or how about just requesting them together?

    ReplyDelete
  50. @Porphyrias_Curse @Kelly & @twopeas1pod - I say y'all come to my house! I got a 120" screen and projector I hook up for maximum Rob viewing pleasure. We're talking life size baby ;)

    ReplyDelete
  51. @LKW- Perfect post!
    Hell yeah DH knows I want ALL of the Cullen men. He laughs at my shirt that lists them (in order of fuckability) Yes, he has his own list and I'm perfectly fine with it (even if I don't agree with the women on the list). And heck no- I don't want to be called by someone else's name, (been there!) and I wouldn't want to do it to him.

    ReplyDelete
  52. I actually worry that someday I may yell out "ROB" or "EDWARD" during the height of passion with the hubs. I read so much fanfic and sometimes after a smokin' hot lemon I just attack the man. He's never complained.

    He has no clue how deep my obsession runs. He knows I have pics of Rob on my phone, he probably thinks I have 5 or so - I have 156 and I add to them daily. He knows I have a Rob screensaver on my desktop. He doesn't know about how much time I spend doing shit like this or watching Rob videos. I don't think he realizes that for me, fanfic is all about fantasizing about Robward.

    My list (so many men it's a pity to name just 6):

    1. Rob
    2. Olivier Martinez
    3. Colin Firth
    4. Daniel Craig
    5. Jason Statham
    6. Matt Damon

    The hubs has a thing for Salma Hayek and Catherine Zeta-Jones. I would wear a strap-on for either of these two myself.

    ReplyDelete
  53. If Rob didn't exist, here's my new and improved freebie 5...

    1. Alex O'Loughlin (the only reason I watch Hawaii 5-0)
    2. Eric Dane (aka Dr. McSteamy)
    3. Mike Rowe (oooh, me likes it dirty)
    4. Johnny Depp (extra points if he has the gold pirate teeth in)
    5. James McAvoy (def the atonement wall sex!)

    ReplyDelete
  54. Papa Cougar and I are so totally cool with each other's Freebie 5 list. We regularly discuss them. He said he'd like to watch me with at least three of my five and I'd be totally down with joining in on at least two of his five.

    Here's MY list:

    1) Richard Gere (circa 1990's)
    2) Hugh Jackman*
    3) Billy Burke*
    4) Taye Diggs*
    5) Precious

    Here's his:

    1) Kate Beckinsale
    2) Ashley Greene
    3) Kate Winslet*
    4) Sandy Bullock
    5) Charlize Theron*

    * Spectator/3-way opportunity

    He'd probably love it if I called him Edward, but I don't want to. Edward is far too uptight sexually for my taste. I'll just stick to moaning. It's universal.

    And when he's got me bent over the kitchen counter, he can call me whatever the fuck he wants, but it's usually something like "babe" or muttered profanity.

    There. TMI?!?

    MC

    ReplyDelete
  55. OMG @LKW James McAvoy?? He is just so delicious.

    This whole thing is just like my one-shot fanfic I just wrote!!

    Just perfect.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Girls, girls -- what wonderful lists. Some new names to look up, too.

    My list for far, then:
    1. Robward
    2. MATTHEW MCFADYEN--the best ever Mr. Darcy, but that voice, those eyelashes. And he's even taller than Rob.
    3.Gary Oldman (best actor of all time, but most delish actually as Dracula in those blue tinted glasses, wah.....)
    4. Emmett Cullen (since Kellan looks much better in dark hair)
    5. Chris Noth, but mostly only in his absofuckinglutely stage (and he is a modelizer who has already fucked half of NYC and, I can attest, looks untidy in person)

    Some other could-been faves, eg Jackson and McAvoy are too teeny tiny for me, like elves. I would take on Rupert Friend, but he's too skinny.

    But if the Precious drought continues, try taking the wall sex scene in Atonement and subbing in Rob. If I evah see him in a scene like that, I may explode and die.

    ReplyDelete
  57. @LKW
    HOLY POOP! I love that sex scene in 'Atonement'. I remember seeing it the first and being like, "Oh mah GAWD!! Mr. McEvoy...you have just raised yourself up on my hotness scale." I totally forgot about him until you mentioned him LKW!

    ReplyDelete
  58. First I have to say I love Twitarded – I visit every day but have been too shy to post anything. Really, it’s making me sweat just writing this. So thanks to LKW, JJ and STY for the hosting the site and thanks for the huge amount of entertainment you provide.

    So excited some of you are Gary Oldman fans. He’s my #2. Rob’s my #1 – there aren’t any others on my list since these 2 eclipse everyone. My dream is to see them together in a movie like “Stansfield meets George Duroy”. My SO knows about both obsessions, but I try not to go on and on about them. He gets his feelings hurt.

    I’ve been a huge GO fan for 20 years – he’s awesome. I met him and got his autograph at the Toronto Film Festival a few years ago. I take this as an omen that one day Rob will come to TIFF – and I’ll be there camping out day and night for a peep.

    I think I have a quirk in my brain that makes me go for guys born in London.

    ReplyDelete
  59. WOAH. I must have been FUCKED.UP. last night. I totally wrote a comment to this post, but when I came back to see who was on other peoples' Fives, I was sad to see that my drunk ass didn't hit "Post Comment." How 'bout that.

    I asked The Bentist if I could call him Edward. His response: "Only if I get to Buckin' Bronco you." We'll see, my love. We'll see.

    My 5 changes all the freaking time. My biggest question right now is....If I meet someone IRL who truly embodies one of my fave -wards from FanFic, what would I do?! FIFTY, Vladward, Hockeyward, IrishPunkward, Domward...You get the idea. THEN WHAT?? *Deer in headlights look* I don't know what the fuck I would do!

    ReplyDelete
  60. @acullengirl - LMAO at the gut punch to the hubs while he's sleeping!

    Some of you have some kick ass hubbies! Love the stories!

    1) Nathan Fillion
    2) Ewan McGregor
    3) Mike Rowe
    4) Eddie Vedder
    5) Robert Downey Jr

    ReplyDelete
  61. I had a short obsession with James McAvoy after I saw Atonement... And rewound that fucking wall sex scene about a hundred times. I watched endless YouTube interviews of him and his seriously sexy Scottish accent. Fucking yum. http://bit.ly/bZ47Zq

    And I wonder if Mike Rowe has any idea how many freebie five lists he's on?

    ReplyDelete
  62. Hooo-fuckin-ray for Gary Oldman fans!! You ladies ROCK!

    And @getinthecar I could be wrong, but I have a feeling we may see some Atonement-style Rob/George sex scenes in Bel Ami... at least, we can hope right?

    The only question I haven't answered this entire time, was the original post title... Can I call you Edward?? If I did that, I think Mr Gee would be extremely pissed and if I call him Rob - divorce!!

    ReplyDelete
  63. @Jenny Jerkface - Totally with you on the Rob Zombie love. I mean, he wrote a song called "Pussy Liquor" for fuck's sake.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Yeah I'm on the same page as ithinkpink, franki and LKW's current list. I have to add Hayden Christensen (in ROTS) cause I'm a huge Star Wars fan, as well as Alex O'Loughlin.

    Also, my first crush, as vampires go, was Barnabas Collins played Jonathan Frid of Dark Shadows. I didn't think he was handsome really, but loved the whole vampire/human love story. I'm besides myself knowing that Johnny Depp will be reprising this role.

    My list has changed sooo much in the past 5 yrs. My hub knows I crush after certain actors but he really has no clue who any more. And he also gets a bit pissy!

    ReplyDelete
  65. I'm single, but OHHH to roleplay w/ my future hubby!!

    My list:
    1)Rob, who BTW was #5 when he was Cedric
    2)Johnny Depp, since 21 JS days
    3)Hayden Christianson because that was Edward in my head before the movie ever came out, and Anakin is HAWT!!
    4)Colin Firth, cuz me luuuuuvs those English boys
    5)Leo DiCaprio--even when he was Romeo and his voice was still changing.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Yup, my s/o totally knows about my desire to jump Rob and ride him like my life depends on it. He has resigned himself to that fact and dutifully takes his place in line behind Rob. Poor guy! I kinda feel bad for him. Just not bad enough to give up my obsession with the precious.

    ReplyDelete
  67. @norcaltwitard - good lord woman! You have a 120" screen! How long will it take me to get to your house (*packing bag and heading out the door*) And does my hubs know they make 120" screens cause I can't believe he's not whining for one!

    So speaking of the hubs. I am in BIG trouble tonight. Apparently I was joking about the Free Five last night with so much intrigue that the hubs felt the need to Google Twitarded and came here and READ THIS. And obviously to answer your question LKW - my hubs had no clue how bat-shit-crazy his wife is. (*hanging head in shame!*). So I need to make a 'public' amends. Cause hubs is a good guy. (ALTHOUGH DEAR GOD HONEY - CLEARLY THIS IS A NO-HUBS ZONE! This is what women talk about when their hubs AREN'T AROUND!!). But I think my 'exit only' comment hurt his feelings. Sheesh. I was just joking silly hubs.

    SO, please forgive me for having to make a public spectacle of myself... but apparently I have to 'Say it. Out. Loud.'

    Honey, as I told you when I was walking out from seeing Eclipse for the 6th time - with drool coming down my chin --

    'I love you more'.
    (*now click that red X at the top of your broswer and NEVER come back here again. Or you're in BIG trouble mister.*)

    Public spectacle complete. Think I have to let hubs have a list of 10 now to make up for this. =*)

    ps - might have I screwed my chances of ever going on the Forks Version 2.0!?

    ReplyDelete
  68. LMFAO at you ladies! y'all are too funny!

    Hubby and I each have what we've always called "the list" and it's so a free gimmee if either of us ever get the chance to rope and take down one of our "lusts". His list has dwindled as the hotness of some chicks has worn off. We update each other on the lists as we see people - my current list is:

    -Robert Pattinson

    -Mike Rowe (love that LKW used to have him on her list too, he's just to freaking adorable!)

    -Tony Stewart

    -Ryan Reynolds

    -Neil Patrick Harris (I know, I know, he's gay but if by chance he decided to try women and I HAPPENED to be standing there)

    ReplyDelete
  69. my fav five list:

    1. Ian Somerhalder (GORGEOUS)
    2. Paul Wesley (of course. those vampire diaries brother are HOT)
    3. Alexander Skarsgard (aka eric northman)
    4. Robert Pattinson (duh. but only if I can scream "Edward" while doing it)
    5. Paul Walker (speaks for itself. into the blue...*sigh)

    However, if the following JR Ward Black Dagger Brotherhood characters were real people, I'd so have all of them on that list, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  70. @twopeas. OMFG! Twitarded is a hubs free zone!! I was speaking with my husband about this at dinner last night. Apparently he isn't happy that I have a freebie 5 (6 actually, and I had a hard time paring it down) and apparently I'm way off base with the women he finds attractive. He has a thing for Fergie? He mentioned her being hot. My hubs never talks much about other women and I talk about men all the fucking time. To make a long story short he has given me the silent treatment ever since. So lesson to me: don't talk about Twitarded topics to hubs, EVER!!!

    PS- My hubs is passive aggressive and he could be mad at me for something else but this seems to be the likely infraction. He'd rather just act like a 3 year old than communicate.

    ReplyDelete
  71. my current freebie list:
    1. adam lambert (idc if he's gay. one word: glambulge)
    2. rubward
    3. james fcking franco
    4. christian bale in a batman suit, but with his normal voice
    5. kstew (i'd switch teams for her hot ass)

    hubs has a list, but i don't care who's on it, as long as i get mine.

    ReplyDelete
  72. OMG! I leave for a couple of days and miss a fabulous post! My hubby told me out of the blue one day recently that I can have any celebrity or 16 year old for free. I'm sure it's because he knows for a fact that I'll never have a chance with a celebrity and I'd never do a 16 year old... because I'd go to jail. I have since decided to up the age to 18 years old. He told me he added the teenager in there because he knows that no teenager wants to do an older woman for anything other than experience... it's not a long term, fall in love, kind of thing.

    Have I mentioned that I'm totally in love with my husband because he's so cool that way?

    PS: If I had to make a list I know that it would be

    1. Adam Lambert
    2. Johnny Dep
    3. Mathew Belamy (but not because he's cute... because he's not... but only if he'd play the piano for me before and after)
    4. Rob (come on now, he's got to be in there)
    5. I'll have to leave this one open...

    ReplyDelete
  73. OMG! i felt really guilty cuz i told my boyfriend if i had to choose between him and jacob... it wouldnt look too good for him. nd he actually understood because of how friggin hot he was. but as far as going into detail... i havn done THAT! and by the way, i found your old blog n some stuff u posted on other sites. hahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  74. @Twopeas1pod - Yup 120" of awesome Robness. I live in between the-middle-of-nowhere and where-the-fuck-are-we, which if you check your GPS is a minimum hour and a half drive from the nearest Macy's!! Which is why I have said 120" screen (not a TV). Also, OMG about your hubs checking out this site...I think mine would actually divorce me if he found out about this stuff. Good job on the public apology. Now it's time to change your screen name.

    ReplyDelete
  75. Mmmm...
    1. Robert Pattinson
    2. Robert Pattinson
    3. Channing Tatum
    4. Christian Bale
    5. Matt Damon or Leonardo Decaprio

    The hubby has his own list with Kate Beckingsale at the top, so I don't really give a damn if he likes the idea of my list or not, hehe.

    ReplyDelete
  76. My husband and I have only talked randomly about a few "freebies", his being girls like Kelly Kelly from WWE wrestling, and he mentioned the French girl from there too if he could tape her mouth shut (thought that one was HILARIOUS), and mine being rob and Alex/Eric Northman... but we've agreed not to be upset with one another if it ever happened because it'd be that "once in a lifetime moment", but I've never had a name for our agreement until this post. I also Google imaged "freebie five" and Rob's pictures were the first three...also Johnny's was the 5th or 6th i think. made me crack up laughing. When I started reading fanfiction and described it to my husband the first words out of his mouth were " You are NOT calling me Edward", so it was never thought of after that. We've never discussed all the dirty things i'd do to RPatz but I'm sure he's thought "would she do this with him/them", and there are ALOT of dirty thoughts, but he doesn't have to be jealous as he's given me the ideas of most of them anyways...Anywho, I crack up at most of your post and i usually don't have much to say but this one I couldn't stay away from!

    ReplyDelete
  77. OMG! i felt really guilty cuz i told my boyfriend if i had to choose between him and jacob... it wouldnt look too good for him. nd he actually understood because of how friggin hot he was. but as far as going into detail... i havn done THAT! and by the way, i found your old blog n some stuff u posted on other sites. hahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  78. LMFAO at you ladies! y'all are too funny!

    Hubby and I each have what we've always called "the list" and it's so a free gimmee if either of us ever get the chance to rope and take down one of our "lusts". His list has dwindled as the hotness of some chicks has worn off. We update each other on the lists as we see people - my current list is:

    -Robert Pattinson

    -Mike Rowe (love that LKW used to have him on her list too, he's just to freaking adorable!)

    -Tony Stewart

    -Ryan Reynolds

    -Neil Patrick Harris (I know, I know, he's gay but if by chance he decided to try women and I HAPPENED to be standing there)

    ReplyDelete
  79. First I have to say I love Twitarded – I visit every day but have been too shy to post anything. Really, it’s making me sweat just writing this. So thanks to LKW, JJ and STY for the hosting the site and thanks for the huge amount of entertainment you provide.

    So excited some of you are Gary Oldman fans. He’s my #2. Rob’s my #1 – there aren’t any others on my list since these 2 eclipse everyone. My dream is to see them together in a movie like “Stansfield meets George Duroy”. My SO knows about both obsessions, but I try not to go on and on about them. He gets his feelings hurt.

    I’ve been a huge GO fan for 20 years – he’s awesome. I met him and got his autograph at the Toronto Film Festival a few years ago. I take this as an omen that one day Rob will come to TIFF – and I’ll be there camping out day and night for a peep.

    I think I have a quirk in my brain that makes me go for guys born in London.

    ReplyDelete
  80. WOAH. I must have been FUCKED.UP. last night. I totally wrote a comment to this post, but when I came back to see who was on other peoples' Fives, I was sad to see that my drunk ass didn't hit "Post Comment." How 'bout that.

    I asked The Bentist if I could call him Edward. His response: "Only if I get to Buckin' Bronco you." We'll see, my love. We'll see.

    My 5 changes all the freaking time. My biggest question right now is....If I meet someone IRL who truly embodies one of my fave -wards from FanFic, what would I do?! FIFTY, Vladward, Hockeyward, IrishPunkward, Domward...You get the idea. THEN WHAT?? *Deer in headlights look* I don't know what the fuck I would do!

    ReplyDelete
  81. @LKW - I love you hard, you are so awesome. I love this post and "Can I call you Edward?" LMFAO so hard I had to tell my hubby about it.

    My hubby knows of my twisession but doesn't know the true extent of my lust for all things Rob, especially his eyes, and mouth, and jaw, and hair, and fingers, mmmmm fingers...wait what was I saying? Oh yeah, hubby rolled his eyes at the mention of "The 5 list", although I'm sure given the chance he'd have no probs filling the list.

    So here's my list:
    1. Rob(Duh)
    2. Fifty (a little Red Room of Pain with Rob would be more than fun, I'm sure.)
    3. Tattward (from CW&IA - cause he's fucking haawwwt and I would love a tattoo covered Rob)
    4. Kellan Lutz (but if I ever saw that 'V' in person my heart would actually stop beating and I would literally fucking melt into a puddle of goo! Just thinking about it make me squirm.)
    5. It's a tie between:
    -Jackson Rathbone (he gets me with that wink and crooked smile)
    -Dane Cook (ala My Best Friend's Girl)
    -Jason Statham (yummy accent & abs)
    -Jared Leto (this goes back to HS)
    -Christian Bale (dark and broody Batman)
    -Edward Norton (cuz have you ever seen American History X? - I'm not into the whole white supremacy thing, but he was fucking hawt in that movie.)

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!