Sunday, October 10, 2010

I Slept with Jenny Jerkface

Jealous? I thought you would be. When I started reading Twitarded all those many many months ago, I never thought in a gazillion years I'd be sharing a bed with that dirty-mouthed midget. But seriously, don't get your panties in a bundle... it definitely was NOT everything I imagined it would be.

I've generally never the type of person to sleep in the same bed as my girlfriends. When we had sleepovers, guests stayed in the guest room. Maybe it had something to do with only ever having a twin bed growing up, and the only friend I wanted to share that with had a penis.

Yes, I'm talking about this friend! He can share my twin bed any day!

When planning this epic adventure to Forks, JJ, STY, Myg and I figured why not all pile into one hotel room for our night in Seattle to save some cake. Of course this led to the question of who I'd get to snuggle up to for that one night. Who would I accidentally grope in the middle of the night? And when JJ and I noisily made our way back to the room after closing down the bar downstairs, my question had already been answered. STY and Myg slept soundly in one bed, leaving the other for us vertically challenged.

I've learned to take up as little bed as possible through years of being nearly pushed off the bed by a husband who enjoys sleeping diagonal across the bed. Note to self: next time I sleep with JJ, I need to stake my territory early. Little did I realize that my half of the bed was slowly being invaded... by an army. An ahhhhhmie consisting of exactly one tiny little bed hog.

I may have gotten a quarter of the small bed to sleep on...

And imagine my surprise when I woke up to JJ's elbow about two inches from my nose. I was dangerously close to catching that in the eyeball - that would've been a sexy look for Forks! Let me just tell you that all 5'1" of her was sprawled out, hands behind her head, one knee bent... like she was lounging on the fucking beach. And that's not all... that little leprechaun was snoring so loud, I'm pretty sure the hotel got a complaint from three blocks away. Thank gawd STY was able to get audio proof of this because when you tell her she was snoring, she totally denies it like we weren't the ones kept awake by that horrible noise.

Like this except she wasn't naked... thank gawd for that, at least!

One thing you learn before you sleep with JJ - don't wake her up too early (and by too early, I mean anytime before noon.) She's an angry little person, the first word out of her mouth every morning is most always "fuck". And if you don't have a steaming cup of hot coffee waiting for her, you better run for the fucking hills. Because "fuck" is always followed by "where's my fucking cawfee?" Place the cup on the table beside the bed and bolt for higher ground. If you know what's good for you.

Totally like this... except no smiling, whatsoever! And the hair was a LOT messier.

What new quirky shit did you learn about your roommates in Forks? Most of us had never met in person, let alone shared sleeping quarters and that's something that takes a whole lotta guts. Were they early risers? Night owls? Crabby assholes in the morning? I'm just glad VitaminR was such a quiet sleeper... a model roommate if you will. I hope I didn't keep her up with my snoring!

29 comments:

  1. My roomies were angels (@adaywithjake, @justkristin1, and @lorabell), they slept through everything and that was awesome because I'm sure I was a farting machine because of all the gluten I ate.

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  3. @DefenderOfMice was my roommate, we developed the turn the TV on and turn it up if ya gotta poop method of getting a little sound privacy to do the deed. Other than that I think things went well between us. Other than me sidetracking a bunch of our plans due to commitments. She may think otherwise.

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  4. Oooo I'm 2nd that awesome, I'm usually comment 657890. Okay so what did I learn about my roomies... my older roomy is as awesome on the weekends after many long hours in the car as she is on the weekdays after lots of sleep. So that was pretty fanfuckingtastic, because she and I work together and there was no way I would've been able to avoid her if this trip had gone horribly wrong. My younger roomy, on the other hand, I learned is, how do I put this nicely, a spoiled, obnoxious, moody, self-abosrbed little twit and if I never spend another minute in her presence it will be too soon! I wanted to punch her in the fucking head about 10 million times between Friday at 3:30 am (when her Fiance texted her and woke us all up) and when I got home at 9:00pm on Sunday evening when she so graciously allowed me to take 2 of the doughnuts she insisted we stop and get for her aforementioned Fiance on our already 13.5 hour long trek back home(that I paid for BTW because she didn't have any cash and damn if I was gonna let her hour long trek to VooDoo doughnuts end without the fucking doughnuts!)
    All in all FFOOORRRKKKSSS was fuckawesome and I hope to see all you lovely twats again real soon!

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  5. Hmmm, what did I learn about my FOOOORRRKKKSSS roomie?

    She has a surprisingly high tolerance for listening to my drunk 2 am rambles - even though she's completely sober.

    She will wake me up from my nap, right on time, with a Derry to spoon me.

    You should be careful with her around bodies of water and Mini Es and Js - she might end up diving into the Pacific to save them, and then your shower will be toootally covered in sand. Which she will be finding in her pockets days later.

    And mostly? SHE'S TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME.

    I love you, Toey :)

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  6. Hm. The only thing I learned was that Derry is a skankbag. She slept with me Thursday, switched beds to sleep with HisMyticMuse Friday (bed to myself FTW!), then when Billi Cullen showed up on Saturday, she slept in a bed w her. Whore. We had a great time talking about shmexy hubbies, fanfic, sparklepeens, and glow-in-the-dark glitter vibes. Oh, and Unicorn Pops!

    I warned my roomies about my snoring, and totes brought a nice big box o' earplugs, but nobody used them. Either bc they were too drunk to remember, or bc they didn't give a shit, and had DHs at home that also lived a double life as a nocturnal tree-cutting apparatus.

    I can say that I was up first everyday but that evil Time-To-Fly-Home Day. I'm a night owl and an early bird, so I was drinkin late and still up for the first shower.

    Did I mention that I don't do coffee?

    Oh, and not that I didn't completely love Derry and Musie (they're totes my lovahs fo' life), but I'm gonna petition to snuggle with Pimpy and Toey next year. Because I didn't get to spent enough time with them, and I cried when they left me for the airport :'( I'm such a weepy vag for those bitches.

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  7. :-D :-D :-D Lindsay Rae, you are welcome in my bed any night, as long as you don't mind my Rob/Taycob pillowcase, courtesy of Toey. (Still sleep with it at home, js) I would love to use your ample bosoms as pillow #2, for the record.

    And I fucking miss you. Live closer than Oregon. Now, please.

    THREE DAYS WAS NOWHERE NEAR LONG ENOUGH :(

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  8. Except for the snoring of DangrDonna all was well in all my rooms. Living with Edward, DangrDonna and I all seemed to travel well together (at least I hope they would say the same). Next time, I will definitely take ear plugs :)

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  9. What did I learn about my Pimpy...

    well, she's very chatty at 2am ...which is damned cute.

    She can sleep through just about anything....thank goodness. I believe there was a snoring incident where I woke her up, but she claims I was only moaning for Rob in my sleep...bless her little heart.

    You're gonna wanna watch her around the local boys. They are drawn to her like bees to honey and will even follow her home.

    She is delighted by EVERYTHING and everyone.... and I miss her so damned much.

    @Lindsay....I also give you an open invitation. Of course our bewbies will need to fight for space on the bed...but I suspect we can sort it out. MWUA!!!!

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  10. Hey Twitarded ladies,

    This is totally random, but are y'all planning on coming to New Orleans for Breaking Dawn filming? If you can mayhem in a small town like Forks, imagine what you can do on Bourbon! Think about it! Would love to meet for drinks if you come!

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  11. Awwwww thanks LKW. I think you forget the fact that I kept you up every night smoking hookahs on the deck with @Kitty_Elvis and drinking wine with @JennyJerkface but I am glad you pnly remember the good stuff.

    LKW was the bestest roommate ever. My favorite moments were curling up on the bed with her iPad and watching Rob vids and exclaiming every few seconds..."Jesus Mother Fucking Hamster Fucker he is so fucking hot." Sigh.

    I would like to add that New Moon FSE was also a very good roommate. So hot, pensive, protective and brooding. My only complaint is that he wasn't 3 dimensional for my,ahem,viewing pleasure.

    Oh and JJ was not my roommate but LKW and I did share a wall with her, Myg and STY. The first morning in Forks she banged on our wall and woke us up at 7:30am....and I totally knew it was her. We did get her back by jumping on her in bed the last day. Now that was a sight to see...and, yes, the first word out of her mouth was "Fuck".

    I miss my Forks Wife...and all of you. Sniff.

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  13. umm...I mean "Loner" not "Longer"...wtf??!! Too much wine....

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  14. Holy shit balls I am drunk and should not be allowed to post.....fml.

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  15. It's fun reading about everyone's roommates. Just wish more girls chimed in. And, I wonder what Jen wrote in her original comment to have to have it deleted, LoL.

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  16. I have shared many a bed in my lifetime (What? I'm poor and travel a lot) and no one else has ever complained.

    I did ask ML if I've slept in the "lounging on the beach" position before, because honestly -- that baffles even me.

    And apparently I do.

    @VitaminR70 - Sorry, but if I'm up, everyone is up. Those are the rules. ;)

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  17. Friends, I have seen that elbow in my face and have heard that snore in person (the audio doesn't even really do it justice but I was laughing so hard that i had to run because i was afraid if i woke her up she'd murder me) - i'd sleep with her again but YES bring ear plugs!

    i also enjoyed sharing a room with myg and would like to note that she's not crabby in the morning and is a good spooner. or spoonee.

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  18. I learned that my friend Beth gets acid reflux pretty bad at night. I woke up in the middle of the night...er early morning to her sitting strait up in bed. It totally creeped me the fuck out! I was like "What the FUCK??!!" Apparently she was slepping like that. GAH!!

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  19. It's a damn good thing I roomed with @tatoomickey & @LivingWithEdward because if JJ and I had shared a room, our combined decibel levels may have shaken the foundation of the FORKS Motel. Luckily, thanks to that h00r @17ForeverLisa, my roomies all had the opportunity to hear me snore on her fucking blog and know what they were in for.

    I LOVED my roomies....but then again, I knew I would. LwE is adorbz and since she's allergic to booze, there was ZERO chance TM & I would find our liquor stash raided! Plus, she was a huge help when it came to chosing my very first Pocket Edward.

    TM and I had already cruised together, although this was our first time spooning in FORKS. She's the motherfucking bomb diggity and made our room look awesome with all her decorations.

    Next time, @CullenClanCrazy needs to join us, because I FLOVE her too.

    FFFFFFFOOOOOOOOORRRRRRKKKKKKKKKSSSSS 2011!!!

    MC

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  20. I'm proud to say that I spent 4 lovely nights sleeping with the fabulous 17foreverlisa and was not disappointed :) I can also attest that Mrs P really is always beautiful and put together and CullenaryCurser really does curse 24/7. Mwahhhhhh to my FOOOOOORRRRKKSS roomies!!!

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  22. @Twilove1_Sue I just want to point out that I slept with @17ForeverLisa a few months ago and she's a great bedfellow. And our STD profiles all came back negative so you can stop worrying now.

    Re: Mrs. P - IKR?!? She's like...umm....hot?!? GAH. ;-p

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  23. I took my daughter and we had 2 queen beds, so there were no surprises and there was no smooshing. But, I think next time I'll go by myself and hook up with you strangers. That will force me to interact more and not be so shy, I won't have to worry about freaking my daughter out, and I won't have to pay her way!

    And I chose that word "strangers" deliberately!

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  24. well i guess if lindsayrae is moving in with toey & pimpt, then musie and me will be happy to room with hypo vag next go 'round. sounds fanfuckintastic!

    hey musie - lets get the jacuzzi suite, eh?

    ~ derry

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  25. First off I'd just like to say TK I look forward to your posts here on Twitarded..Welcome..

    As far as my Roomie in FORKS..Micki_Martini does NOT snore..and she's cool as fuck..I miss, miss, miss her, she can hike the shit outta any beach..me, I had to turn back halfway as I got nervous with no phone reception and thinking.. If I have a heart attack who the fuck's going to help me?? She sooo could.. being in the medical proffession, but I didn't want to PROVE it..I miss all you Forks H00rs..Looking forward to doing it all over again..FOOOOOOOORKSpeat

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  26. Hey Twitarded ladies,

    This is totally random, but are y'all planning on coming to New Orleans for Breaking Dawn filming? If you can mayhem in a small town like Forks, imagine what you can do on Bourbon! Think about it! Would love to meet for drinks if you come!

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  27. Hmmm, what did I learn about my FOOOORRRKKKSSS roomie?

    She has a surprisingly high tolerance for listening to my drunk 2 am rambles - even though she's completely sober.

    She will wake me up from my nap, right on time, with a Derry to spoon me.

    You should be careful with her around bodies of water and Mini Es and Js - she might end up diving into the Pacific to save them, and then your shower will be toootally covered in sand. Which she will be finding in her pockets days later.

    And mostly? SHE'S TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME.

    I love you, Toey :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oooo I'm 2nd that awesome, I'm usually comment 657890. Okay so what did I learn about my roomies... my older roomy is as awesome on the weekends after many long hours in the car as she is on the weekdays after lots of sleep. So that was pretty fanfuckingtastic, because she and I work together and there was no way I would've been able to avoid her if this trip had gone horribly wrong. My younger roomy, on the other hand, I learned is, how do I put this nicely, a spoiled, obnoxious, moody, self-abosrbed little twit and if I never spend another minute in her presence it will be too soon! I wanted to punch her in the fucking head about 10 million times between Friday at 3:30 am (when her Fiance texted her and woke us all up) and when I got home at 9:00pm on Sunday evening when she so graciously allowed me to take 2 of the doughnuts she insisted we stop and get for her aforementioned Fiance on our already 13.5 hour long trek back home(that I paid for BTW because she didn't have any cash and damn if I was gonna let her hour long trek to VooDoo doughnuts end without the fucking doughnuts!)
    All in all FFOOORRRKKKSSS was fuckawesome and I hope to see all you lovely twats again real soon!

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