Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What does Edward Cullen wear on Halloween?

Every Monday morning I check my schedule for the week before I even get out of bed. Then I roll over, grab a syringe full of adrenaline, shoot it straight into my heart and pray I survive the next seven days of anal plundering.



This Monday, when I checked my calendar, I realized this freaking weekend was Halloween. Are they still having that on the 31st? Shit. Some part of me (the part that's usually drunk, face down in a ditch somewhere) was actually prepared. I bought my child a costume a couple of weeks ago. Whew. The only problem is that I don't like the costume. It's my backup costume. You know, in case I forgot about a holiday that occurs annually on a set date. Like I did.


An actual image from my last CT scan.

I beat a path to the nearest costume shop and dug through the sad costumes no one wanted: giant hot dog... fat Elvis... the Beaver kid. That's when my Twidar went crazy. Something in the store was emitting Twilight rays. I peeked around the corner and found a wall of Twilight posters. Lots and lots of posters. I instantly dropped the giant mustard bottle costume and headed toward the pretty posters. Could it be? Did they have Twilight costumes? My entire Halloween plan was instantly scrapped. Ok, technically there was no plan before that moment. Nonetheless, Mr. TK would be so excited to find out he was going Trick or Treating as Edward. I would be Bella, naturally, and the boy would go as Buttcrack Santa. Freaking genius! It was like an epiphany. The sky opened, light shone down and I heard angels singing. I was so excited I was like a Yorkie (the dog, not the Eric) on crack, running in circles in front of the posters.

On my eighteenth pass, I realized I still hadn't found any costumes. WTF? I asked the dude who appeared to be in charge (read: standing behind a cash register looking like he wanted to end it all). He said the posters were decoration. Decoration? Is that some kind of a sick joke? I want a Bella costume and I want one. Right. The. Fuck. Now.


TK doesn't like false advertising.

I figured I could get one online and be extra prepared for forgetting about Halloween next year. I Googled "Twilight costumes" and clicked on the first link.


Oh hi, Not Quite Edward. Shhh. Don't tell Summit.

Did I see a different movie? Were there prostiteens and Rambo wannabe's in the director's cut? NEXT!

A few links down was a site called Twilight Costume. Sounds promising.



Who are these fuckers? Taycob, what big ears you have.

I don't think these people have ever read the books or seen the movies.


FAIL. Time to change your bong water, folks. Not. Even. Close.


One of these things is not like the others.

I like how the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader is the third highest rated Twilight costume. I bet she's in the top five of every category. Men.

Here's a site that actually gets it right. It tells you how to make your own simple Edward and Bella costumes. It even gives you some shortcuts for those of us who can't get our act together ahead of time.

Is anyone dressing up for Halloween this year? I'll probably just go as Drunk Bella again this year. That outfit consists of my Bella jacket, jeans and a flask. Priorities. I haz them.

44 comments:

  1. Oh Oh am I first squee.... Honey if you really want a Bella costume let's talk.... I got the perfect material for a blue Bella prom dress....

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  2. No Twilight themed costumes for me this year. I mean, I could have dressed up as Alice, what with my short hair and all, but I already dress like her every other day out of the year. But no. I am going to go as the Bride Witch in Left 4 Dead 2.

    I did dress up as Bella last year. I had on the green dress she wears in New Moon with a cute little cardigan and my beat up trainers.

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  3. OK, so I am a little bit busy patting myself on the back for recognizing a TK post just a couple sentences in (before mention of the kid).

    But Halloween. Arg. I live in a town where adults DO IT UP! If I'm not in the mood to costume up then it's required to stay at home and hide. With the lights off. Lest there be kids at the door expecting candy or something.

    This year, there is a party I'm considering going to. I'm thinking of going as a sudoku puzzle. Or soduku. However the fuck it's spelled. Coupla pieces of poster board + string = sandwich board. Then cut out some numbers and put tape on the back. Voila. Easy costume and people are compelled to talk to you a little bit while completing the puzzle.

    Absolutely no relation to Twilight whatsoever, sadly.

    Wv= bushrour. My bushrour's everytime I wax it off, but to hell with it, makes me feel sexy.

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  4. You have NO idea how hard I pushed the mister to dress up as Edward. I found the sparkle powder, he has a peacoat-type coat, he's tall, fuckhawt... I mean, how perfect! But no, he totally resisted.

    So now, he's going as a cowboy. I'm cheating on Twilight and going as Harry Potter. No, not Hermione, but Harry. I got the glasses and the wand and everything. ;) I'm gonna Avada Kedavra every bitch in my path! ...Perhaps I'll go easy and only sick the cruciatus curse on them. We shall see.

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  5. I didn't mean to be so possessive with my bush. Should've been "my bushrours everytime..." but whatever. It is my bush. Likely to be a little bit protective.

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  6. *sigh* I'm dressing up as a vampire, but I suppose I'm mixing it up a bit.

    I'm wearing a corset with a long skirt, honey colored contacts, my sister's Alice Cullen crest choker and I bought custom fangs that I still need to mold to my teeth before tomorrow night.

    I love twilight, but really, my favorite physical aspect of vampires is the fangs, so I have to have them in my costume.

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  7. Re: Wigward -- Now I know what a pissed-off, electrocuted crack-h00r looks like. Thanks @TK!

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  8. I have no plans for Halloween. Everyone is going out of town, and you have to be "on the list" to get into the ONE party I want to go to. Does Lindsay Rae know anyone who could get her on said list? Yeah, but they will be...Out of town. I kinda wanna just throw on some badass facepaint (I lovelovelove facepaint) and hang out with lots of booze and candy. I finally live in a neighborhood that takes this holiday seriously!

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  9. TK, I love your "voice." I can always tell who's posting, between JJ, STY & that lil h00r LKW. I'm now getting to know your posts. Within the first paragraph I could tell it was you. Sure the kid mention confirmed it.

    For Halloween I'm going to a be True Blood Vampire. Not one in particular, but I wanted to channel Pam. I would love to be a Twi Vamp, but I didn't want to wear a wig and I really wanted fangs. I even have a bottle of True Blood. Sweet.

    xo J

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  10. Yes, I admit...I had been on the Twilight costume sites more than the hours I put in at work. Major fail every time. I planned a party...twilight themed of course and instructed my guests to come in character...I was of course..a fat aging and half drunk Bella...HEY...it was MY party! My Edward was gay so it worked pretty well. He bought an "edward fail wig" just to please me(god I love that man), grey jacket and fitted tee..don't all gay men wear fitted t's anyway??? hmmm. Oh, and cheap shades. We went for the meadow look with flowers glues on clothes and messy hair, blah blah blah. Another friend came as a Volturi, we had an Alice,a Victoria , Rosalie and one Wolf. Carved pumpkins in E & B and the wolf tat, black table clothes with red swirly ribbons and candles and about 800 twinkling white lights! I made Vampire Kiss Martini's to boot. Yes I am a tard but I am so new to Twi that I HAD TO!!!!! I was going to email you all some photo's and still might. It was all fun and everyone had a great time. It took me a day to recover. Other people came dressed as other "things" but whatever.

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  11. PS my plans...going to a bar withmy Sis... they're having a costume contest ;)

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  12. Last year I had the brilliant idea for me and my husband to go as Victoria and Laurant (he's black, I'm white). Unfortunately, I didn't have this idea until a week before Halloween and by then, I was like, fuck it, I don't want to spend the energy or money to throw together all of this shit in a week, so we didn't do it.

    This year, the only one in this house who will be dressing up will be the 2 year old. The hubs and I have never really gotten into Halloween, other than the few yard decorations and handing out candy.

    I love how they advertise the Edward wig on a female manikin head. Um, they do know Edward's a guy right? That's more along the lines of a Alice costume.

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  13. hehe..yeah I haven't gotten my kids their costumes yet either (parental fail)..I'm seriously contemplating throwing some body glitter on them and making them tell everyone they're Cullens...they don't really like that idea but I'm in charge right??
    If I dress up this year it's just going to be one of my awesome under appreciated swing dresses some knee hi black boots and a bettie paige wig........and maybe some body glitter.

    I totally tried to convince my hubs to dress up like "Edward"...but when I mentioned adding a black wool beanie he got suspicious and refused to be my Rob for a day.

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  14. For someone who's middle name should be Halloween, I have no energy this year to create an awesome costume. Which means I probably really will wear my master's cap,gown and hood. Which was the reason I justified getting it in the first place. Lame, but since I'm hosting a party and the place isn't even close to being decorated, I need something I can toss on @ 7:45 Sat. night.

    Or I could hang Mini-E from the front of my "I survived Forks" shirt, carry around a bottle of Vitamin R and go as a Twitard.

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  15. I really wanted to go as as Victoria or Jane, but those red contacts don't come strong enough for my blind eyes... or maybe they do and I'm just not willing to pay that much money. Then I thought Bella: wig, plaid, jeans and fugly boots or sneakers, that would be easy enough. But knew I would get a shitload of razzing at work over it. So I decided to just go ahead and embarrass myself and have some fun. I'm going to be Mrs. Roper from Three's Company. My goad for this evening is to find a hideously patterned muumuu.

    That Edward wig kills me. I thought it was supposed to be Alice... Why would you use a female mannequin if it's supposed to be for a male?

    Ah TK, I love your priorities!

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  16. Hysterical post, thanks for the morning laugh. My kids have cool costumes, although I will be frantically running around on Friday to find fake fur to make long ears out of the secondhand bear costume that will soon be a dog. Once I find the fucking fake fur. Maybe I'll just go to Goodwill and buy an old bed-bug infested coat for $1.99...
    I'm going to be a witch but I want to be like the bitch from Wicked-- all green, even my hands. However, I know I'll never get around to it so I'll probably just draw a wart with eyeliner... No Cullen costumes here, I don't think the Urbanites would get it.

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  17. I save my Bella costumes for prems and DVD releases. However I could wear one to work. Hmmm

    We are throwing an 80s cartoon and toy themed Halloween party. I am going as Jem of Jem and the Holograms.

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  18. I like the wolf-man costume. I think you should go with that one.

    I'm going to be a pirate, natch. I had grand plans to actually sew a costume together, but at this point I'll probably just gank stuff from the kid's playroom at work. Little is going to be a Spartan and Turtle is going to be a...turtle.

    We're going trick-or-treating in my parent's neighborhood because that's where all the rich people live. I told my mom that we'd only be accepting Twi candy and $5 bills. And perhaps flask refills.

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  19. Oh TK, there's nothing like laughing out loud at six in the morning to start the day off right. It's better than a second cup of coffee. Butt crack Santa . . . Drunk Bella . . . snort!

    My kids are old enough they can plan their own damn costumes. My 12-year-old son wants to borrow his sister's bra and go as a drag queen. I said "that's great honey." At least it's not a pimp costume - those were popular in fifth grade. And he looks great in women's clothes. The last time I took the two of them shoe shopping he ended up parading around the store in six-inch glitter platform sandels. Rocked 'em too.

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  20. I was so excited I was like a Yorkie (the dog, not the Eric) on crack <--- DIED.

    Was there a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader in the book? Rosalie? Esme? Jessica?

    And that Edward wig is atrocious. That's also what my hair looks like when I wake up in the morning.

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  21. The yorkie on crack got me too! Awesome TK!

    I'm not dressing up, I never do. I am the "hide in the house" but not with the lights off, and I have candy should anyone come to the door. But much like LKW, I live in small town america and don't get many (or any) kids at my door. Mr. Monster however rocks this holiday. It took me the first 5 years of our marriage to get him to stay out of my "real" makeup on halloween. He always goes as some nightmare on legs. Scares the shit out of both my girls, usually. He's a horror movie freak and can't stop himself. Both kids are going as black cats. I'm a holiday fail mom, I don't get all jazzed and jacked up at the idea of MORE work for mom. Imagine that....

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  23. Hilarious post as usual TK. "I like how the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader is the third highest rated Twilight costume. I bet she's in the top five of every category. Men." Isn't that the sad fucking truth.

    @Anonymous "a fat aging and half drunk Bella..." It wouldn't be a stretch for me to pull that one off. Kinda describes my usual state. Is she wearing mom jeans as well?

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  24. Uh, wow, those are AWFUL! Sad that there isn't a better place to buy Twilight costumes - we're stuck with I-just-got-electrocuted wigs and vampire capes. 'Cuz people don't hate on Twilight enough already.

    Yall will appreciate this. Last year Mr. XKR reeeeally wanted to be Peg and Al Bundy. He never reeeeeally wants anything so I agreed, so long as I could pick our costumes this year. His only stipulation? No Twilight characters. Really regretting that now - I want SO badly to smear him in white paint, dump some body glitter on him (yes, I still have this from the late 90s, hoping it will come back into style before I'm too old to wear it... which prob already happened), and gel his hair straight up. Sigh.

    I picked out an alternative costume that he's sure to hate, but I think is frickin' funny. Headed to Halloween party Friday night... IF I can get him into the costume, that is.

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  25. I love the Buttcrack Santa idea. Genius.

    And, I don't know if someone's already said this, but... are you *sure* that you weren't Eric Yorkie running around like that? Cause it totally sounded Eric.

    You know, I just realized this, did no one in Forks High do drugs? Cause, once again, that Eric seems like he might've been into coke. Maybe that's my interpretation. "The feature's DEAD Angela. DON'T mention it again." Coke? Or something else?

    Also, do you all think that FOR THE REST OF HIS FUCKING LIFE, that Rob is going to be mentioned at Halloween? Weird. Do you think he hates this holiday already? I do and I don't even have that as an excuse.

    Later, TK! <3's!

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  26. I'm thinking I want to go as Renesmee for Halloween... all I really need is a fake pregnant belly to bust out of... I think I just gave myself the creeps.

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  27. Actually, the Love at First Bite Adult Wig (top right in first photo of "costumes") doesn't look too bad. Color is off. But still, if you put it on someone and it was kind of dark, and you could pretend to be at Escala. Woo.
    Uh, I mean Boo.

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  28. I think Rob should wear ME for Haloween..I would be his spider monkey any ole day of the week.

    I have the Bella wig so I'll make an attempt at that, my Bro has a Haloween party every year so I expect to get crazy with myself Ridin Solo-(hubs is still laid up)

    HAPPY SPARKLY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!

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  29. OMG! I actually saw an "Edward" wig at a local halloween store a few weeks ago. It was hideous!
    I am not dressing up, I will be on candy/trick or treat duty.

    My hubs however will be dressed as a vampire, fangs and cool red contacts included, while attending a costume party on the carribean cruise he is going on. Oh and did I mention that I'll be at home handing out candy!

    Not that I'm bitter or anything. Cuz, I'm sure that my collection of Rob Porn, Rob P33N Wednesday posts from The Cold Shower and my 120" screen will be happy to stay home with me and give me something *ahem* to do while he is away. Now that I'm thinking about it...there's only 36 more hours left before his flight leaves and I may or may not be counting the minutes until he's gone. Any of you twats want to come over and hang out while he's gone?

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  30. Every freaking one of these comments is hysterical or awesome or hysterically awesome. I love all the cool costume ideas & party ideas.

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  31. Well, since I think the only Twilight character I could pull off is Mrs. Cope (I definitely have internal dirty cougar thoughts about Edward down pat), I think I will just stick with my easy squeezy witch costume I wear every year.

    @TK--I am with JJ, the Yorkie line undid me. Oh and Drunk Bella for the win.

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  32. Last year, I tried to dress up like Sookie from True Blood (I even had the Merlotte's shirt and everything). Nobody knew who the fuck I was and thought I just got off work at our local diner. WTF!!

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  33. Seriously had no idea what to be for Halloween. Was going to be a mermaid (with an actual top as opposed to sea shell pasties like most sluts would wear) but with FORKS and my H.S. reunion planning and a bunch of other less fun crap got in the way, I had no way to make a costume. I have a bunch of black clothes and weird shit so looks like I'm going as a zombie bride. hopefully it works out ok.

    I'm trying to get my roomate to go as Charlie...we'll see if she does!

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  34. Love how you call your son 'the boy'. I do that too - does that mean we're besties now???
    Mr. Junkie & I always dress around whatever our son chooses. Last year he was BatMan, I was Bat Woman & Mr. Junkie was The Joker. This year, the boy has chosen Darth Vader (he chose wisley), so I will be Princess Leia (no, not Slave Leia) & Mr. Junkie will be Han Solo. I just might be able to live out an old Star Wars fantasy!!!

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  35. The fam went to the halloween store tonight. Epic fail. They did have a "hottie vampire wig". I tried to get my hubs to be Edward but he absolutely refused. My boys are Anakin and Darth Vader. The store did not have Leia and Han and Luke were too expensive and looked preworn. Now I'm a lame ass witch and my husband is a skeleton that scares the kids.

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  36. I am going as Bella. I am going as vampire Bella after her first hunting trip. My MIL and I are are making the dress from scratch. I got red contacts, the engagement and a few other items to make it authentic. Oh and of course blood from killing eating the cougar. I can't wait to see it all done! I work at Hot Topic so tomorrow I am wearing it to work. I'm so excited!!! Then on Halloween I am going to wear it and have my 3 year old be my Edward! He won't look as authentic since he has blond hair and blue eyes. But, I did get him a gray pea coat, blue shirt, black jeans and of course the Cullen crest wrist band. I'm going to do the best I can with him. I'll send you guys a pic!

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  37. I'm dressed up today as Snooki. And I managed to pull it off without being super slutty! lol. I have Italian flags painted on my fingers and toes. A gold sparkly "tan", bling jewelery, high heels and of course the hair poof and a jar of pickles. ;o)

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  38. anonymous aka Jadedladi

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  39. I am a preschool teacher so for school I was a cat, in reality I wore a black dress with black leggings and a headband with cat ears. Very easy.

    Last week I dressed up as Alice (of Wonderland) for a Halloween party.

    For tomorrow I'm still on the fence. I have the blue twilight jacket and I bought myself a long brown wig and a crescent bite scar prosthetic thing for my hand. I also have grey skinny jeans and blue vans. I was going to wear my I love vampires tshirt so that people who don't know will get it. If I go with this I will totes put pictures up on Twittah! Shall be a fun fun night!

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  40. P.S. Because I wore a blonde wig and hooker shoes to be Alice (of Wonderland) I got a lot of Lady Gaga. I was like WTF people, are you stupid?!

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  41. I am going as Bella. I am going as vampire Bella after her first hunting trip. My MIL and I are are making the dress from scratch. I got red contacts, the engagement and a few other items to make it authentic. Oh and of course blood from killing eating the cougar. I can't wait to see it all done! I work at Hot Topic so tomorrow I am wearing it to work. I'm so excited!!! Then on Halloween I am going to wear it and have my 3 year old be my Edward! He won't look as authentic since he has blond hair and blue eyes. But, I did get him a gray pea coat, blue shirt, black jeans and of course the Cullen crest wrist band. I'm going to do the best I can with him. I'll send you guys a pic!

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  42. I have no plans for Halloween. Everyone is going out of town, and you have to be "on the list" to get into the ONE party I want to go to. Does Lindsay Rae know anyone who could get her on said list? Yeah, but they will be...Out of town. I kinda wanna just throw on some badass facepaint (I lovelovelove facepaint) and hang out with lots of booze and candy. I finally live in a neighborhood that takes this holiday seriously!

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  43. TK, I love your "voice." I can always tell who's posting, between JJ, STY & that lil h00r LKW. I'm now getting to know your posts. Within the first paragraph I could tell it was you. Sure the kid mention confirmed it.

    For Halloween I'm going to a be True Blood Vampire. Not one in particular, but I wanted to channel Pam. I would love to be a Twi Vamp, but I didn't want to wear a wig and I really wanted fangs. I even have a bottle of True Blood. Sweet.

    xo J

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  44. P.S. Because I wore a blonde wig and hooker shoes to be Alice (of Wonderland) I got a lot of Lady Gaga. I was like WTF people, are you stupid?!

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