Monday, November 29, 2010

Bella Swan Needs a Facepunch

Let me preface this by saying I feel like shit and my bitchiness is in full effect. You've been warned. The first time I read the book series (you know the one I'm talking about), I huffed it down so fast I couldn't believe I was able to process the words. While my focus was mainly on a certain sparkly vamp, quite a few things about Bella caused my brain to come to a screeching halt. I wanted to like her. Really, I did. I tried to focus on our similarities. We both have brown hair. We both want to pork Edward. We both exchange oxygen for carbon dioxide. That's pretty much where the similarities end.

Do they make a cream for that?

Probably the most blatant difference is our style of dress.

Bella's idea of acceptable attire.

TK's everyday wear

Bella's shoes

TK's shoes

Another thing that drove me crazy was how Bella whined about every. fucking. thing. Waaah, my boyfriend is prettier than me. (Lesson The First is ditching that long khaki skirt, Bella. Have you ever seen a homeless person dressed like that? No. They have better taste. Get your shit together.) Waaah, my perfect boyfriend's perfect family makes me feel inadequate with their generosity and perfectness. (I still believe this is simply the most elaborate fashion intervention ever, but that's neither here nor there.) Waaah, Edward and Alice want to buy me presents all the time. (STFU & hang out with Rosalie then, bitch. She never tried to buy you shit.)

"My stalker boyfriend thinks he can buy me a gift?! Fuck that!"

My copy of New Moon is clearly defective. It's missing a ton of pages. Edward comes back after leaving Bella's ass on the forest floor and it skips all the parts where she Hulks out, beats his ass with an aluminum bat and re-enacts every episode of Cops ever. Instead, she had some kind of an epiphany that Edward loved her and all was forgiven. Really? Maybe she realizes her whiny ass is just lucky to have someone.

Edward carried on about how smart Bella was. He was thrown that she knew the square root of pi. Seriously, how dumb are kids these days? [Insert "back in my day" soliloquy] Maybe I'm the stupid one, but I expect smart people to make smart decisions. When Bella was hoodwinked into kissing Jake in Eclipse I had to back up and re-read. He said he hoped to die and she kissed him? Huh? Suddenly she grows an ego the size of Alaska and believes her chaste kiss will restore his will to live? Bella, the tribe has spoken: you are too stupid to associate with the living anymore.

Pssst, Bella! I heard there are some old tennis shoes under this box. Go see!

When the happy couple finally consummated their marriage in the hazily described fade-to-black honeymoon scene (grumble, grumble), I thought FINALLY I'll get to see all the lavish gifts the Cullens have been longing to bestow upon Bella. When you have eternal life and infinite wealth, where you you live? Apparently in a hovel in the woods with no running water or any other modern conveniences. Bella thinks it's soooo perfect. I think it sounds oddly familiar.

This is the skin of someone who never bathes, Bella.

Your turn—would you be BFF's 4EVER with canon Bella, or would you club her over the head and steal her boyfriend? Would you braid each others' hair, or would you tie her to a chair, cover her with honey and leave her rot in her woodland shanty?

Because I love you, I won't leave you with the image of Ted Kaczynski burning into your retinas. Here's a little gift for you.

I'm the gift that keeps on giving. And giving. And...


  1. I don't know what you are talking about TK, Canon Bella (CB) is like totally relatable and her fashionable attire is all comfort based, which is the only way to role. The only thing she should have done differently is hide her intelligence, because boys don't like smart girls. I think it's just such a shame that Edward and Bella only had one kid (I love the name Renesmee, it's so original and adorable!) I wish she could have had a whole litter of kids because being a mom at 18 with no college education and no viable income is every girls dream.

    I think CB and I would be best friends and we would talk about boys and necking and then she would braid a ribbon in my hair to show all the boys in the prison library I work at that I'm flirty. Because I'm only working until I can find a husband to support me and then we can live the life I've always dreamed about, never leaving my home and tending to my gaggle of kids whilst he secretly drinks himself to an early death. Sigh, a girl can dream...

  2. I'd be her friend but I'd have to tell her to stop bitching all the time.

    PS...once again, you kill creative and always funny as shit. Side note: Shit can be funny. Just ask JJ.

    xo J

  3. @succubus--I've told you I love you, right?

  4. Bwahahahaha!!!!!!

    @succubus-Will you be my new best friend? Cuz that was the best comment ever!

    As for my thoughts on the fashion-challenged-ungrateful-whiny won-the-hottie-lottery-by-smelling-good Canon Bella...I wanna be just like her, because all the guys I know just love a clingy, bashful, clumsy, two-timing, depressive chick who faints at the sight of blood.

  5. One more thing...@tk- "The tribe has spoken: you are too stupid to associate with the living anymore." ROFLMFAO! One of the best lines ever.

  6. Fairly sure Canon Bella and I would NOT get on. Being the crazy wolf-lover I am, I'd probably push her off the cliff and go ride motorcycles with (NB: that's code for fuck like animals) Jake. Bella: YOUR LIFE IS PERFECT STFU.

    And TK, can I say that I totally lost it into pants-wetting laughter at the rudimentary box trap with the "Go see!" at the end? Because "Go see!" is exactly what my BFF says to her spazzy little dog when she starts to freak out that someone is at the door. And that is how I imagined it being directed at Bella. Go see, Bella! Good girl! Now hide under there with your gross sneakers til I'm done bangin' Edward!

  7. LOL! I really have issues with people who don't like you to give them presents or celebrate their birthdays, to the point of being rude about it. (Bella, meet my ex-husband.) I've always felt Bella was often a whiny, passive/ aggressive bitch and it was only Edward's inexperience with women -- and that smelly blood--that drew him in.

    Plus she has a daddy complex, but since her boyfriend is a possessive, controlling older man, they are a great match.

    On a totally unrelated subject - I'm sitting in a departmental meeting getting introduced as one of the new employees, and my boss announces I'm a Twilight fan.(snort) So after the usual Team E or J questions, another lady of a certain age said she was twitting her daughters for being such Twi fans, so they convinced her to read it. And she loved it.

    Score 1 for our side!

  8. That had to be the funniest think I have ever read. I agree 100%. Bella is winy and bitchy. I don't like canon Bella and I never have. There is a fan fiction on called "Bella is a punk rocker", I fell in love with that version of her because she dresses almost like a "Slutty goth chick" and she has a mouth on her lol. Anyway I love your blog.

  9. Don't get me started on CB coz 24 hours is not enough time for me to rant about her. As for S. Meyer's assertion that she didn't base Bella to herself (well physically she didn't), all I can say is I'll believe that when she releases Midnight Sun w/c is probably never.

    But what I wanted more than anything is to shake Edward from his blindness. After waiting a century you had to end up with that/her whatevs. If all he wanted is someone whose mind he can't read I'm sure there are lots of chicks out there he won't be able to read (points to self - My family & friends says that they can't read, comprehend & understand me, therefore I have a shield too).

  10. Yeah, I don't think I'd get along with Canon Bella nor would I get along with Movie Bella. One whines too much and the other, I fear, has taken too many downers because she's like a piece of drift wood- stiff and emotionless.

  11. I am fairly certain CB and I would be respectable to each other but my inner dialog would be plotting the seduction of her hot vampire boyfriend....though at my ripe old age said seduction would likely need to involve rufies and steel chain to secure him for my needs.

    I think I was so enthralled with Edward while reading the books that Bella just kind of became unintelligable background noise...kind of like the adults on all the Peanuts cartoons. That or I was too busy imagining myself as her.

    All one would really need to do is match her blood odor...manufacture it into eau de Tua Cantante and all would be right in the, I mean that fantasy world.

    Bella Shmella...oh that could be another name for an aud de parfum. Hahahahaha!

    Brilliant post TK. Um, and I am having a hard time putting those heels with that dress. Please explain.

  12. Who needs canon Bella when we have so many fic Bella's that are smarter, more confident, snarkier, funnier, dress better, kinkier and actually can have some degree of social ability? Seriously, SMeyer could learn a lesson or two from these Bella's!

  13. By now I don't clearly remember what cannon Bella is like, because in my head I've replaced her with snippets of various fanfic Bellas (who are infinitely superior). My first impression of the book was something along the lines of "Wow, those two are both horrible people, and they kind of deserve each other". I thought she needed to stop whining and cringing, and grow some self esteem, and I thought he needed to stop being such a condescending, stalking, a-hole. Was this immediate dislike of the main characters enough to stop me from devouring the other books in record time, or to prevent me from developing an obsession about them? Obviously not. But I'm pretty sure that if Edward had been played by anyone else, I would have stopped giving a crap about Twilight long ago.

  14. @succubus- thanks for my 'Bwahahahaha' of the day. In a week of endless dreariness you are a shining light...

  15. God I love this blog! Every single one of you h00rs [including the readers] get me! We are all so much alike, we could be sisters for realz!

    Pssst, Bella! I heard there are some old tennis shoes under this box. Go see! Ha! If I had to be around CB for more than a few minutes, I'd have to cutabitch!

    Thanks so much for the eye cleansing photo. You think of everything I need! Love you lots, bb.

  16. Loved this entry, TK! And the comments are primo! Once again, I am in danger of choking to death reading this blog over breakfast. I think VitR's idea for perfumes is brilliant. Canon Bella was easy for me to overlook -- like others have said, I was so swept up in Edward. I could make excuses for his stalkery/control fetish behavior because -- well, he's a vampire, and that's what they do -- at least all of the ones I know personally. :0

    As for smart teenagers making smart decisions, TK, naaahhh. I work at a prestigous university (and you can probably guess which one from my name) so I know whereof I speak. High IQ does not equal high EQ.

  17. Thank you TK. My cousin was reading the books and had to stop after New Moon because he couldn't deal with Bella. He said if there were just hot wolves and sparkly vamps he would have finished. (He'll still watch the movies!)

  18. Team Lauren: CB sux. TK, I couldn't agree more with this post, and it had me choking on my breakfast. You funny.

    Between her crazy clothes, antisocial tendencies, and inability to function normally in friendships ("Hey, girls, let's go shopping, but I'm going to ditch you to hang out by myself at a bookstore. Sound fun?"), I don't think we'd be BFFs. I think I'd be a lookout for Victoria.

  19. MyHeartGoesPitterPattinsonNovember 30, 2010 at 10:04 AM

    Yes, I definitely wish Bella would have been of the sacrificial variety of lambs to Edward's lion. Dumb bitch that she is. The worst part is that as dumb as she is and as controlling as Edward tried to be she still always had the upper hand in their relationship. She coerced him into letting her hang with Jacob, screwing her before she turned and let's not even talk about how she got to pick Renessmistake's name.

  20. For some reason, I was able to put up with Bella's whining until "Breaking Dawn"... In the first three books, I just took it to mean she was young and lacked self confidence... Also, Bella didn't have a religious upbringing per say, but SM did. And that need to shun gifts is the perfect example of religious guilt. At least in my family it was. We were taught to never accept presents that were lavish and to grudgingly accept all other gifts. So I related to that too believe it or not... But once we got to "Breaking Dawn" it wasn't cute anymore. It just proved the character of Bella wasn't ready to be married. AT ALL. That she was still young and stupid and stubborn. And wasn't at all ready to compromise for a relationship. That's always been my biggest beef with the last book. Since there was supposedly this big "compromise" between Bella and Edward, when really there was none...

  21. All true. But the absolute worst thing about Bella's many flaws and fails is that Edward loves her anyway. (Ditto re KStews' flaws.)

    So this is a wrong thing, a huge flaw, in fact, about Edward and, alas, the Precious as well.

    When thinking that there is nobody in the real world as wonderful as the unattainable Robward depresses me, this thought is my salvation: Actually, there probably is someone out there who is not stupid and pathetic enough to fall for Belsten.

  22. The not accepting gift thing is a bit annoying, but we all have our issues so CB really doesn't bother me.

    As for the clothes... I walk around and see the crap that the majority of the people wear every day and I think Bella is just a stick in the mud sheep like everyone else. GET A CLUE PEOPLE... at LEAST watch What Not To Wear and then look in the mirror and GO SHOPPING! We don't want to look at that shit any more!!

  23. TK- I can't disagree with anything you said about Bella. However, let me offer a different point of view.

    I had a 17 year old child when I first read the Saga. Ungrateful & whiney seemed to describe that age perfectly. I was like "woah! that is exactly on target for a rotten teenager".

  24. I don't think CB and I would have ever been friends. CB is a really screwed up little girl. She is shallow and only seems to care about Edward's physical appearance. If Edward had been able to hear her mind, he would have hated her.

    Thanks to Bella's crappy parents, she's totally dysfunctional in all her relationships.

    What I liked about Edward is even though he's screwed up too, he recognizes it and tries to change. His character actually experiences true emotional growth while Bella remains dysfunctional and wrapped up in physical appearance (Edward's and her own) to the end.


  25. hi-larious post..way to make me put a pause on my own current nobody loves me funk :) I totally would not be friends with canon Bella...she needs to be kicked in the cunt, then she'd have something worthwhile to piss and moan about. I like to think if I inserted myself into the story (which of course, I have. lol)I'd be all chillaxin with the Cullens and Edward never would have even realized a new smelly chick moved into town because we'd be well on the way to getting rid of his sense of propriety.

  26. Jesus, TK. You know those heels do NOT match that dress, right? I thought I knew you better. ...Unless it matches what's under the dress... Thanks for once again being right on point. Let's write a letter to Canon Bella.

    Dear Canon Bella,
    You have a shit ton in common with no one I've ever met. Why am I so fucking obsessed with a saga that YOU narrate? You aren't my style because you have none. I'm still trying to figure out how you KNOW a hot vampire is in your room, and you go into the bathroom for a "human moment" to put on.....a holey tshirt and sweatpants. You know, for a chick who wants to get it on with the previously mentioned piece of rock hard ass, you have no sense. I think my biggest gripe with this situation is the implication that these are the only jim-jams you have. Maybe I'm alone in this, but I can't stand to wear the same thing to bed more than one night. Know why? Because I have my own piece of ass in the bed waiting for me!! I'm done. I can't believe Alice didn't burn your closet to the ground. Such bullshit.

  27. For me, it's really all about the presents. What the fuck you stupid, boring twitcher? Someone wants to buy you shit and you say no? I think Edward would really love that about me - I can't say no to people who want to buy me lavish gifts. And then I would repay him with dirty sex and blowjobs.

  28. I would not be friends with canon Bella strictly because of the way she dresses (I'm shallow like that) but the second she got with Edward I would have been her BFF to snag him out from under her when he finally realized she was a whiny little biotch that wouldn't accept generous gifts and makes out with stupid dogs!!!

  29. Maybe I would have been friends with Canon Bella when I was a teenager, but if I met an "adult" that annoying I'd hate her and make fun constantly (kinda like now). I saw the movie first, then read Midnight Sun, and connected so completely with Edward that I thought it would be the same with Bella. Um, no. We do have common traits such as brown hair, being clumsy and feeling like a bit of a misfit, but I think that is where the similarities end (gawd, I hope so).

    I about choked when Charlie said she was amazingly non-whiny, but I guess he didn't have to put up with umpteenthousand pages of her self doubt and Edward worship (though the latter is totally understandable).

    And srsly, what is with the gift thing? They have more money than they will ever possibly need, let the boy buy you some pretty presents, it would obviously make him happy! And free clothes? Sign me up!!!

    @Succubus - LMAO, brilliant comment!!

  30. Excellent post, @TK! Needed the laugh.

    @succubus - LMFAO!!

    Canon Bella = Whiny Bella and Franki = no patience for that shit. I would totally hang with vamp Bella for a while though. She grew some balls (small ones but balls nonetheless) when she became a vamp and that's the only time throughout the series I had an iota of respect for her. Oh, then and when she tried to jump Edward's bones in Eclipse.

    You know which Bella I would totally hang with? Myg's Osa Bella. Total. Kick. Ass. Cool. Chick.

    That said, I don't think Canon Bella is intended to be a role model to anyone. That's not what I got from the books anyway. She's insecure, whiny and pathetic yet somehow marries the hottest guy in the universe. Total fiction. Lucky bitch.

  31. Aaah! Twice now I almost spit out my drink reading this post! First TK! Frickin' awesome. Second, the lovely comment made by Succubus!

    Yes, my 16 yr. old does get whiney and bitchy, but nothing close to cb thankfully. She likes to be snarky though! And I give it right back. Can't imagine having a friend like cb. I'd want to slap her up side the head. She'd have brain damage from the constant slapping!

  32. Totally agree with Franki-- the only Bella I'd hang with is Myg's Osa Bella. We'd pop a few Rainers and talk about dildos and boyfriend-swapping.
    Another hysterical post, TK. And to Succubus: amazing post.

  33. Ahh hahahaha I love the hovel, woodland shanty bit. I looked like a freak busting up in a quite room. And hell no I wouldn't be friends with that ungrateful constant bitcher and complainer. Especially when she keeps turning down Edwards proposal. I just want to hit her across the head with a BLOATED BAG OF MONKEY SPUNK!

  34. I guess it's unanimous then, we'd all tie CB to a chair and whack her upside her clueless head. I gave her a pass in Twilight cause, well, Edward WAS out of her league, she was boring and plain. But then he fell in love with her anyway and she still can't get beyond her insecurities when the rest of the female population (and a good portion of the male probably) would thank God and just go with it.

    But then I read New Moon and wanted to push her off a cliff. She supposedly is irrevocably and completely in love right? So, let's gripe about gifts and keep stringing Jacob along. Oh yeah, and after you've left your dad while he is dealing with the death of his friend to go save Edward (thanks btw) you wake up with him in your bed, you get the BEST apology in the history of apologies, he promises to change you (something you supposedly want more than anything because you can't live without him)if marry him first and what do you say??? Not "Hell yes" like I would have but you start to whine about marrying young and what people would think and how you don't believe in marriage. PLEASE someone hand me a brick! GAHHH! You are too stupid to live CB.

    Alice should have burned Bella's closet. Edward freakin Cullen is your boyfriend, time to step up your game Bella. I wanted to cry when I saw the movie version of the prom and she walks down the stairs with those GD tennis shoes and that grandma sweater. Just because Edward is old enough to be your granddad doesn't mean you have to dress like an old lady.

  35. Just an additional thought about Bella's inability to graciously accept gifts. I used to be uncomfortable accepting gifts, I would rather give them. They a very wise woman explained it to me this way - when you don't allow someone to give you a gift that they have chosen for you, you deny them the joy of giving the gift. That made so much sense to me cuz I just love to see the person's face light up with happiness when I give them my gift. So, how dare my not allow others that joy. Now, I love receiving gifts, no matter how expensive or inexpensive because I feel so delighted when I think of them in the store thinking of me and what I might like, or of them making the gift for me with their own hands and thinking of me fondly. Bella never gives a thought to what joy she is denying Edward by being such a selfish little shitass. And, of course, we know that this is a hangup SM apparently has.

  36. You're going to revoke my Twitard Card because I like CB. *gasp*

    I appreciate different things about her- her old soul qualities, nurturing instincts, somewhat dysfunctional relationship with her mom.

    I dunno, I suck as getting gifts cuz I've always been poor and felt bad not being able to reciprocate (still have this problem). And I can totally relate at not understanding how a drop dead gorgeous guy could be in love with you (see: my marriage LOL). The list goes on but I will not bore you.

    I should reread the series because I've been reading FF for over a year now and can barely remember Canon anyone! Maybe I'll hate her now...

    Funny post regardless!

  37. Seriously, you just described how I felt WAYYYYYYYYY back when I read the first book. I quit after the second. Seriously, I only got obsessed after I saw Robert Pattinson's fine ass self playing Edward. I always felt bad for Edward, he's stuck with that beez for eternity. I'd save him! lol


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