Monday, November 22, 2010

Happy Holidays, Mothertruckers

The working title for this post was "Ho Ho Ho Fuck You," but STY made me change it. It's that time of year again. The season that turns children into angels and adults into winged, venom-spitting Hell-beasts fighting for the last iPad at the Apple store. I am not ready for this. I still have Halloween decorations out, people. I am not mentally prepared to do battle with an eighty-year-old grandma channeling Evander Holyfield in Target because she thinks I'm vying for the last package of candy canes. This is stress I don't need. I'd really like to tote around an I.V. cart full of Xanax, but my doctor is all hung up on ethics or some bullshit.

You say whore. I say survivalist.

Thanksgiving kicks the season off with a tryptophan coma. I was stupid enough to go to the grocery store on Sunday night, but I guess it's better than going Wednesday night. Even though I still had 72 hours before the mass fuckery began, I really could have used that I.V. cart. It would have calmed me while I bludgeoned people with it. The shelves were pretty bare, like Hurricane Turkey Day was blowing in. I started to panic, thinking I would have to go to yet another grocery store. It's in the best interest of all parties if that doesn't happen. I narrowly beat a woman to the last can of pumpkin puree. It was a close call, but her cart was weighed down with small children.

Who's having pumpkin pie now, bitch?

There was another near disaster in the baking goods aisle. Some silly lady thought just because she was elderly I'd let her have the last can of evaporated milk. Little did she know, I would have clubbed a baby seal for that can. I used my cart to block her scooter in, snatched the can (which is dented, btw—fucking Karma) and marched off to do battle with the stuffing poachers.

It wasn't until this morning that I realized I would be putting up Christmas decorations this weekend. Mr. TK is the resident holiday elf. Case in point: Last year Little TK & I were held hostage in the car for eight hours while we had "holiday fun." I'm pretty sure we are now banned from one specific light display because of an incident that we won't discuss. Mr. TK then spilled hot, sticky apple cider into the car window control panel. Undaunted, he forced the back window to roll down because "we need the full holiday light experience and that window is going to roll down, dammit!" and the window would not roll up again. Did I mention that it was snowing? And sleeting? And we were two hours from home? Good times. [JJ's note - OMG! I think I remember you bitching about this last year!!] [TK's note - Yes, the e-mail was entitled "I need a shovel, a tarp and some lye."]

I refuse to help decorate the tree. I tried one year and couldn't sleep because I could sense the red ornaments were not evenly distributed. Naturally, I stayed up all night redecorating. Stupid CDO. Now Mr. TK decorates and I gulp Grey Goose while screaming helpful things like, "There's too much red on the main side! No, the other main side!"

I have no idea what this is, but it's the reason I'm not sleeping tonight.

It should also be noted that any type of animatronic Santa, Christmas tree, reindeer, snowman, etc sends me into a Manchurian Candidate-like killing spree. I. Hate. Them. They must be eradicated. Spread the word. Tell a friend. The change begins here.

Let's see you dance that jig with only one leg, buddy.

I'll be doing all my holiday shopping online, just like every other year. I really don't need to tell my kid Santa couldn't come this year because Mommy cut a bitch in Nordstrom and needed bail money. I will be venturing out to the "old money" mall for voyeuristic purposes only. That is where the shit goes down. I've seen women of, er, an advanced age kicking the shizz out of double-parked Jaguars with their Monolos and taking their Berkin bags to the windshield. Cadillacs are used as battering rams to create an "extra" parking space. The inside could double as Marine combat training, with canes being used as night sticks, Hermes scarves being used as lassos.

Did I mention I love the holidays? Like, as much as I love getting a root canal without novocaine while Godzilla is blowing flames up my ass?

How do you cope with the holidays? Is this your favorite time of year, or do you just hunker down and hope you survive another round? Does anyone have their fingers crossed for a special gift?

Not that kind of gift. Ok, maybe that kind of gift.

I was thinking more along the lines of...


  1. I have a hard enough time shopping when the holidays are no where in sight. I'm beginning to think I hate people...

    Stores piss me off, lines piss me off, not finding the price for something pisses me off, the entire concept of Black Friday is a fucking joke, other shoppers piss me off, people that act like they don't speak my language when their fat ass is blocking my way to what I even went out for piss me off, holiday music starting well before Thanksgiving pisses me off, Christmas displays at Halloween piss me off (unless there is a Jack or Sally to soften the blow), the fact that it takes me three months to catch up on bills after the holidays piss me off...

    I won't go on. It's pissing me off.

  2. I LOVE the holidays! The tree, the music, the whole nine yards. And let the hating me commence.

    However: I don't put up decorations until after TG, I do shop online, and the wine does flow. This was never a problem with my family, who I actually really like. My in-laws, however... well, let's just say that it's a good thing they're drinkers too. I don't stand out as much.

  3. Wait! I didn't mean to sound all pissy before. LOL

    I love the holidays for my kids. I love keeping up the whole Santa facade!

  4. I don't do shopping outside of my house. I thank god the interwebz was invented because we ONLY shop on amazon. If you want something from somewhere else, well too effin bad!

  5. Bllllpppptttt. I fucking love the holidays. But at a distance. I worked at Bath & Body Works for a long time (through college and whatnot), and Black Friday was BULLSHIT. I don't think you could ever get me to wake up that fucking early to SPEND money. No flippin' way. And I refuse to listen to Christmas music until the day after Thanksgiving. Refuse. I already changed some of my radio presets bc I heard Xmas tunes after Hallowfuckinween.

    One thing I'm looking forward to? Getting my full body massage by a TSA agent when I go to get on the plane to see the 'rents. I will turn down the body scan (if necessary) just to get some stranger's hands on my goods. The voyeur in me is dancing.

    So bring on the holly, decking my gay halls and whatnot. I love this shit.

  6. @TK~Did I mention I love the holidays? Like, as much as I love getting a root canal without novocaine while Godzilla is blowing flames up my ass?
    That sounds hot^.

    I used to do all the decorating over the years but since the kids have grown up, I have become a scrooge. My daughter decorated everything one year. I think it was because I was trying to please everyone except myself. I'd start with a budget & who to shop for & then it would get way out of hand.

    Sometimes I feel like it does get too commercialized but now my kids ARE grown up and I won't get that old feeling I guess until I get some grandkids. BAWAHAHAHA!

  7. Well hell, my new holiday tradition is thoroughly enjoying your misery, I'm afraid. Your 'incidents' are epic and I shamelessly await more. I'm middle of the road on holidays. Last year I was in a what-the-fuck-happened-to-my-life coma so I'm kind of looking forward to this year. I'm screwed the first time the Folgers commercial with the kid coming home from...*sob*... yes, I'm an emo whore!

    @TwiTwatRot - What do you mean 'Santa facade'????

  8. Thanksgiving always mystifies me - slave in the kitchen for hours for turkey?I keep suggesting Chinese takeout every year,and always get voted down.

    I just like the decorating part. TG is the "afterthought" between Halloween & Christmas but I have a few turkey Beanie Babies to toss around.

    And I'm a sap for Christmas - I love the movies (NOT WAWL-I HATE That)and the music and shopping. And decorating. I wanted to do a red/black/white tree with MINI E on top,but the daughter is back home and won't allow it. So guess who is going to be doing the decorating?

    In all seriousness, this will be a bittersweet holiday season. I am thrilled to have finally persuaded my parents to move into the classy retirement center. But it also means this is the last holiday in the house they built and have lived in since 1948. Big changes for everyone.

    While writing this I realize that my writing group XMAS party is practically 2 weeks away (I am hosting)and I have not come up with a single present yet. (I need 5) And worse, I haven't finished the pair of socks I still owe someone from last year. Shit.

  9. ok i'm TOTALLY sending you enough animatronic-y stuff to send you into a seizure!!! who's with me?! if anyone needs TK's address to send a lil' holiday love, contact me!

    i love cheer.


  10. OMG! I laughed so hard I cried! I love the Christmas season and am one of those crazy people out there are 12:01am finishing up my shopping on black friday. However I have been doing more shopping on line this year than usual because I am finding better prices.

  11. Wow, a holiday post on Twitarded already? I would've expected this in January;) I enjoy the hols even tho' I'm never ready for them...bring 'em on! Thanks for the laughs at your expense, TK - hope the season gets better for ya!

  12. I love Christmas and I'm all about the holiday cheer. But let me just say, that I frikkin' hate Thanksgiving. Actually, I'm all about the feasting and hedonistic indulgences. It's the mothereffin' Black Friday shit that pisses me off. Now, I get it, I could just refuse to shop on that day, but HELLO?! I'm cheap. This shit has started early this year with all of this holiday creep pre-Black Friday stuff.

    The Pre-shit is just as bad as the day of shit. In fact, it's worse. $179.99 Netbooks at Best Buy!! 4 day sale. WOO HOO! Everyone I know is getting a netbook hell yeah!! Umm, wtf? No. Day 1 of pre-Black Friday sale. Best Buy is sold out. Words of pre-pubescent 12 year old looking manager who was clearly channeling Doogie Hauser, "Umm, ma'am, we only had 6 and they sold out within the first 3 hours." .... WTF?!! You had 6 items to tide you over for a 4 day sale.

    I'm pretty sure I taught Doogie a few new curse words tonight.

  13. As cheesy as it may sound, I love the holidays because I get to finally spend time with my extended family. This is the first Thanksgiving I'll have spent with my family in nearly 10 years (I lived in Hawaii and didn't fly home until Christmas).

    I'm an Amazon Prime lover. All of my shopping I do online and have sent via free 2 day shipping, bitches. I fucking hate crowds of shoppers and avoid Black Friday like the plague. Amazon has a Black Friday starting yesterday. Whew!

    Bring on the Tofurky!!!!


  14. My 5 hour commute just got over. Your story was making me laugh, and the guy at the end made my uterus contract. I wanna be the cigarette. THANKS!!

  15. First things first! TK, once again you have forced me to pee a little..but that's besides the point.

    Holidays, that's what we're chatting about, right? I love holidays. But there has always been the question as to whether or not I had to work. Now that I am free from hotel hell, I'm actually off when everyone else is off: Turkey Day, X-Mas Eve, X-Mas, New Years and NYD. Sweet. However, this poses a tiny problem. All of the sneaky little shopping I used to do at 10am on a Tuesday morning will be no more. I'll have to brave the mall with the best of em'...oh and I will cut a bitch if she steals my parking spot. Just sayin.

    PS Anyone who shops on black Friday is nutz. You can get the same deals, minus the crowds a day or two later. Trust.

    xo J

  16. I love the holidays... well at least after I get through Thanksgiving. We've taken to hosting our families and this year have to set 14 places at the table. Thank gawd my brother is going to his wife's for dinner, I'm not sure I'd have room for him! I love everything about Christmas EXCEPT the shopping! I fucking hate shopping.

    TK, epic... I love you and your violent tendencies.

  17. OMG....I am very late to this whole Twilight party, having only given in to reading the series in June of this year, but then falling violently in love with a certain sparkly-peened vampire boy has made a bit, well, a LOT of a Twi-whore out of me. I have spent the last few months catching up...."doing research online" is what I tell my husband and kids, to explain the root my ass has taken to the desk chair, supposedly for work, but somehow work doesn't usually make my thighs sweat...anyways, I don't know how I've missed your blog, but I stumbled on it last night and the first thing I read was "We make babies..." and I was laughing so hard at midnight I thought I was going to have to call 911. Now the mother-trucking holidays are upon us, and I cannot deal, so I appreciate this post just as much. I'm going shopping for Thanksgiving dinner today, so let's see if I can employ some of the techniques listed...and Christmas??? Can't even go there yet. Thank you so much for making me laugh like I haven't laughed in months. I will heed your warning of not looking to you for breaking news, but consider me a newly devoted follower!

  18. Welcome Sharilee! It makes me so happy when people find their way here. Prepare to tumble even further down the rabbit hole, and go ahead and bookmark Twitarded if you like to laugh every day. Let me warn you: sit on a towel and avoid taking a sip of anything before you read, or you'll be peeing on the chair and spitting on the keyboard :)

  19. still looking for my vampNovember 23, 2010 at 10:28 AM

    I love the holidays, but forget Black Friday.

    Smoking has never looked so fucking delicious.

    But where was I...holidays, not whoring. Right.

    This is the first time in 6 years I am not doing Thanksgiving, so I don't have any of the usual stress. Without that stress of the impending potential kitchen disaster (I am culinary challenged) it really doesn't feel like the holidays are here. Having said that, I totally get you about the Christmas tree. My six year old and I will be decorating this year, and like last year, I am sure I will be close to a nervous breakdown because all of the fucking decorations will be at the bottom of the tree. To calm myself, I will drink heavily, and then stay up late to get the tree "right."

    The thing that pisses me off the most is that Christmas should start AFTER TG, not a few days before Halloween.

  20. I love the holidays! When we were kids, the Christmas decorations always went up after Thanksgiving dinner, not a moment before. We have a small family, just me, my brother and mom and dad. No SOs or grandkids. This year will be different because after 44 yrs of marriage, my parents called it quits. So it'll just be me, my bro and my mom. I'll have to figure out when to see my dad. Not something I thought I'd have to do at 37 yrs old. Oh well. We've never done much with presents (and a big F no to Black Friday, I don't have the patience or the interest in any part of that). It's all about delicious food and cocktails and spending a lot of time together. This year has sorta sucked and we just got dealt another blow so I'm looking forward even more to having some down time with the fam. Happy Thanksgiving everyone :)

    p.s. But I still plan on asking Santa Claus for an RPattz wrapped under my tree. And by wrapped I mean around me.

  21. Wow, it looks like TK is the only asshole who hates the holidays. Way to go, TK.

    Okay, I kid. I tend to find the holiday season stressful and annoying as fuck. While I love the days off from work and getting to spend time with friends and family I absolutely loathe going out anywhere in public during this time, which is impossible, thanks to my reliance on public transportation.

  22. Goddamn, I love your posts, ladies!! TK you're hilarious and thank you so much for always making my day better with the laughs. My friend is making me go Black Friday shopping with her. Like at 4am. She said we might not sleep. I am afraid. VERY, very afraid.... xo ~DD

  23. @TK - I would like to have 3some for, Rob and his fingers!! (What? they totally qualify as a third, they are that epic!)

    As for the rest of it, I go back and forth about the holidays, some years I love it all, some years I hope every one of my happy-go-lucky-over-enthusiastic caroling neighbors would die a slow and painful death and take all their perfect christmas decor with them to the burning pits of hell. This year, I'm still on the fence and could go either way. I'm waiting for a slight breeze to push me toward the latter, cuz that's all it will take at this point.

    @STY - please send me TKs address, I would love nothing more then to torture her, I mean, bring her the joy of christmas through anamatronic trees, elfs, santas and snowmen. :)

  24. @STY--I will murder you & wear your skull as a headdress.

    @sharilee--Welcome to the party! Hope you brought booze.

    Yes, I am an asshole. I don't really like this time of year. I do love that my son still believes in Santa. He'll probably need counseling once one of his school friends spills the beans. Jerks.

  25. I love the idea of the holidays. I have made each child's stocking by hand, I liten to Christmas music and decorate the shit out of the house. we even have "Bob" the elf who sits in various places in the house and reports to Santa of the kids are bad. (Clearly I'm not above mind fuckery to get my holdten to behave) Hubby goes straight Griswold on the outside. I love it all up until the day of when I have to sit in the same room with my mother. That's when *I* would blow a pharmacist for some klonipin!
    Oh, as for my gift I want - I already got it. Hub y got me tickets tothe premier and after party of BD Part . I'm not bragging at all...

  26. I may not be bragging but I guess I can't spell check either!
    Sheesh! Sorry for all the typos!

  27. Oh TK, I bow to your epicness. I have had the most fuckawful day ever today and your post made me laugh my fucking ass off (yes, I felt compelled to type out the entire phrase to emphasize how hard I laughed!).

    My daughter used to be a server in a upscale restaurant and she always had to work on Christmas Eve, so I took my 3 granddaughters (who are now 10, 9 & 7) to see the 'Christmas lights' - been doing this for the last 4 years. My daughter no longer works at this restaurant this year and my granddaughters told her that they were so happy that they didn't 'have to go with grandma to see those stupid lights again'. So, I guess they're with you on that whole experience.

    @norcaltwitard - I'm with you on the could go either way at this point. The way the last few months have been going (I'm kinda dealing with a financial tsunami since being laidoff) I'm thinking probably going to stay drunk until next year and look at Rob porn.

    Having said all that, however, Happy Thanksgiving to all my favorite twatwaffles and hoors here at Twitarded!!!!!

  28. @Sharilee - I, too welcome you to the best Twilight site for adults on the interwebz. I cautiously suggest that you go to the top of the blog and click on favorite posts, I say cautiously cuz I did that and I stayed up all night reading and laughing til my eyes watered and my sides and stomach hurt from laughing my fucking ass off. So, you've been warned (but, what the hell, go ahead!) I also went back into the archives and have now caught up with all previous posts. Also, I recomment reading JJ's '15 Step' and of course you'll want to read Myg's 'Osa' Bella and TK's 'Going Down'. For full enjoyment, try not to let Real Life interfere anymore than you must. Seriously (or not) I think I would have lost my mind dealing with RL shit this year if it hadn't been for my peeps here at Twitarded. Again, Welcome!

  29. @TK... I can tell already that I am among friends here....not only have I brought booze, but I have enough for everybody, so let's get started....the sooner we're buzzed, the sooner I can forget about Christmas and the million and one things that just got added to my to-do list because of this "joyous" time of year. Bah fucking humbug. I do get a kick out of the 2 of my 4 kids who still believe in Santa, but that's about it for me. The rest of it is just work, and I've already got enough of that, thank you very effing much.
    I plan on leaning heavily on some Diet Coke spiked with whatever I can find, and now this blog!! ;)

    @MyAfterCar...I am even now sitting on a towel and keeping my aforementioned Diet Coke far away from the keyboard in case of unexpected seizures of laughter like I experienced last night...sheesh, the old bladder ain't what she used to be...

  30. @myinnergoddess....Thanks for the advice, I've already started reading previous posts, and think I may need to be under a doctor's care to proceed any further, I've not laughed this hard in, well, maybe forever!! And as for RL, well, my kids won't be scarred forever by eating cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner will they? I didn't think so. :)

  31. OMG...

    "Did I mention I love the holidays? Like, as much as I love getting a root canal without novocaine while Godzilla is blowing flames up my ass?"

    yeah that about sums it up for me :D

  32. I'm kinda neutch 'bout the holidays. What I do love during TG, even though I don't hunt, is going up north to spend time (a.k.a gettin' my drink on 'round the bonfire) with my brother, sis-in-law and their deer hunting buddies.

    What I like about that December holiday is getting to the 'rents a day or two before my sibs do. My mom and I decorate the house and then we cook and bake (meaning she throws new recipes at me and I end up making almost everything). So out of character for me but I'll be damned if I don't enjoy it at Xmas. And when it snows big fluffy flakes outside while I'm there - it's heaven. I also dig the ginormous box of petits fours my aunt sends every year. My eldest brother and I will fight almost to death over that shit.

    Oh, and another thing I like is that my friends and family have agreed - NO GIFTS! So holidays are basically stress free for me.

  33. I love shopping on Black Friday. The deals are ok but the insanity & laughing at ourselves is why my sister, cousin & I go. I'm not the fittest girl in the world so one year when a 350 pound man out ran me going into Wal-mart. We had to stop running so we could laugh withou peeing on ourselves.

    PS I love the name of last pic!!

  34. I love Christmas but not all the craziness that comes with it. I now do most of my shopping online; just can't deal with the crowds. It's better that way, trust me. One run-in with some asshole would land my perimenopausal, hormone-crazed ass in jail. I like it low-key now & it usually involves a few glasses of wine or some bourbon. Anyhoo... thanks for the post - I laughed til I cried.

  35. I can't even relate to a person who would shop in a store on Black Friday. I am not of the same species in any way. As is people don'e lack enough civility, we subject ourselves to that?! NFW.
    I do enjoy being festive, so I like that angle of the holidays. The commercialism & the religion aren't for me, tho.
    Having a little boy makes it all magic. My guy is almost 4, and there is nothing cuter than those stomping PJ feet, running down the stairs on Christmas morning. THE BEST.
    I live far from my family, so the holidays provide a nice distraction for our infrequent visits. It's best if we keep busy, avoiding any "discussion."

  36. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday...always. I got engaged one Christmas long, long ago. I enjoy watching my kids get excited the way I used to. I have to admit though that when money is super tight...which it truly is this super duper stresses me out. Also the older I get the more disfunctional our extended family gets so that makes for some interesting holidays. 9 years ago I actually had a Jerry Springer worthy Christmas on my side of the was insane. It still makes me edgy...thankfully the evil (now ex) sister-in-law that spawned said Christmas is out of the picture. However, there is still enough disfunctionality in both Mr. VitR's family and mine...and who am I kidding?...our keep things interesting.

    After all that I still love cheezy Christmas it. I used to have a dancing Santa collection (given as gag gifts to me) that would probably send TK into the loony bin. I wish I still had them.

    OK, I am off to trudge in the snow up to our local lounge for a nightcap with Mr. VitR. While the kiddies are away the parental units will play. XO

  37. The holidays? I love to go on holiday a lot. I have never understood the term "the holidays" over here when nobody goes on holiday. Are we confuzzled with the holidays yet? Cause I am. A holiday means a 2 week holiday spent shit faced in some Mediterranean nightclub with a man named Stavros.

    Oh and another thing. Why the hell do you put up the Christmas decorations so early and then chuck out the trees a day after Christmas?!!

    In the little old country across the pond (the one next to
    Australia and Russia), decorations go up 12 days before Christmas and then we take them down approximately on the 6th January.

    And why do you say "Happy Holidays"?!! What is happy about being stuck at home with the out laws, your dearly beloved and some small people that vaguely resemble you.

    So anyhow, I'm off to plan my next holiday.......

  38. I have had both wonderful holidays and horrific holidays.

    I can remember one of the first times putting up a tree with my hubby and he had to divide the tree into quadrants and make sure there was one of everything in each quadrant. Now I a good Type A and OCD person but even this was a little too much for me. He has since calmed down and our tree is a bit more free form.

    My favorite tree was the one decorated with the hospital items from the hubby's appendix removal - the topper was his hair net from the surgery LOL!!! And unfortunately we were not allowed to have the appendix to put on the tree LMAO!!!!

  39. @myinnergoddess, I totally lol'd at the idea of your grandkids being like 'UGH NOT THE STUPID LIGHTS AGAIN" :) You tried!

    Okay, so I was raised Jewish, so this is the time of year that I get to sit back and marvel at how crazy all you goyim get with your decorations and your shanking each other in the parking lot for the very last Furby/Tickle Me Elmo/whatever crap toy is designated the Must-Have this year. :) I kid, I kid!

    But seriously, growing up, kids would ask me if I believed in Santa Claus, and rather than crush their hopes and dreams, I had to assert that sure, Santa Claus exists, he just doesn't come to my house because I'm a JEW. And clearly SANTA HATES JEWS. And then there was the time they told me I had to marry David Levy because he was the only other Jewish kid at our school, but I didn't WANT to marry David Levy, he was gross and picked his nose.

    In any case, despite the lying to my peers about Santa and watching my friends and neighbors go batshit over the last of the toys/canned pumpkin, it is a generally cozy time of year. :)

  40. ok i'm TOTALLY sending you enough animatronic-y stuff to send you into a seizure!!! who's with me?! if anyone needs TK's address to send a lil' holiday love, contact me!

    i love cheer.


  41. I don't do shopping outside of my house. I thank god the interwebz was invented because we ONLY shop on amazon. If you want something from somewhere else, well too effin bad!


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