Sunday, November 7, 2010

Hunter Orange is Not My Color!

So you may have noticed that I've been kinda MIA the past week-ish. On Halloween, Mr. Latchkey and I packed up his little Toyota RAV (a very manly vehicle to be tromping around the woods in, I might add), hooked up the trailer and headed north - and by north I mean Houlton, the very last exit on I-95. Why you ask? Well, I was lucky enough to get picked for the Maine Moose Hunting lottery this year. It's not like I want to hunt Bullwinkle, but since the hubs is big into shooting stuff to put in our freezer, he puts my name in the mix every year for an extra chance. Maine has an enormous moose population but they only give out about 3,000 permits each year -- out of about 50,000 applicants. You can imagine I nearly pooped in my pants when I found out my name had been drawn. I'm generally not lucky... ever.

You're ass would have been in my freezer right now if you didn't have fucking antlers. Asshole.

Aaaaaand after spending 4 days in the woods searching for those elusive mooses, I realized it wasn't luck that got me that permit. I now realize I must have done something to piss someone important off because moose hunting is a form of torture I've never experienced before. Fuck Guantanamo Bay - just send these terrorist fuckers up to the north Maine woods for a few days and make them stare into the trees for hours and hours looking for big dark animals in big dark forests. I'm thinking they'll tell you all Al Qaeda's secrets after the first day.

On Monday, the first day, we spent 12 hours in the car. [Moose hunting is quite different than other types of hunting. Because of their enormous size, it's best to hunt them close to the road to make hauling their big fat dead ass onto the trailer a bit easier!] My job was to spend the entire day looking out the passenger window in search of meese in the woods. This is just plain fucking boring. So boring in fact, there were numerous times where I'd napjerk myself awake to find drool down the front of my hunter orange vest... or I'd start daydreaming about seeing sparkly vampires frolicking in the woods after a nice meal of deer and bear. I like sparkly vampires a lot more than moose hunting.

Seriously... looking at this all day really makes you want to jab a hot poker in your eyeball.

Luckily Mr. Latchkey took pity on my growing ass (seriously, all I did was eat I was so bored!) and didn't make me stay until Saturday which most likely saved his life since I was the one carrying the gun. [That must be why he carried the bullets. Guess he doesn't trust me!] But by the end of two more 12-hour days in the car, I was starting to hallucinate. Every fucking thing in the woods looked like a moose. Especially the root systems of fallen trees - or "stump moose" - as Mr. LKW called them. By Wednesday evenings, the "stump moose" were moving and I was ready to yell "shoot!"

Aaah yes, the infamous stump moose. Can you see it? After 36 hours in a car, those muthafuckers start to take on a life of their own.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, if you're the moose) we didn't get our moose. I was a little bummed because last year's moose meat is running low. But a little happy too... since I wasn't quite sure how I'd react to actually witnessing the whole blowing the head off a poor, unsuspecting animal. Although deep in the demented crevasses of my brain, I thought if we did kill a moose, maybe it would have lured Mr. Vampy McSparklepeen out for a taste.

Not only would I have offered you my moose, but maybe some other stuff too... like my vagina.

We ended up heading home on Thursday due to the forecast of heavy rains on Friday and Saturday which ain't good for driving on dirt logging roads. After it was all said and done, we saw four bull moose, two cows (which ended up being too far away to kill), a coyote, an owl, woodpeckers, a mink and a whole lotta bear shit. And more than once, we almost became the hood ornament on a loaded logging truck.

If you asked me 15 years ago if I ever pictured myself driving around the north Maine woods hunting, I'd a said you were fucking crazy! But this is the sacrifice I make for Mr. LKW... and next year, I get to choose the fucking vacation... that's right beeeee-yotch! Oh, and I think I might make him watch Twilight as penance for four days that could be classified as spousal abuse.

And then we will re-enact this scene. Over and over and over again. And he will let me call him Edward.

So tell me, my fellow Twitards, do you make sacrifices for your S/O that you never thought you'd make in a million years? If so, does it end up making you want to kill them or kiss them? I think you already know my answer!


  1. God bless you, are a better woman than I am! There is no friggin' way I could have stood sitting there looking for moose allll day, every day. I loved the part about the elusive stump funny!

    As for sacrifices for the hubby, hell yeah I make them..don't we all? Now don't get me wrong, there's a line that I draw. For instance, YES, I'll get up on a Saturday morning and let him drag my tired ass to the STUPID flea market to look at junk we have no use for...but NO, I am not getting up at the crack of dawn to be there for the "good stuff". There is no good stuff to begin with, but there sure as hell isn't anything worth leaving my house at 5am!

    BTW, I don't think anyone looks good in orange! I refuse to wear it..EVER. Though part of that is because my college team's rival wears the nasty orange. ICK!

  2. I think your a hell of a wifey for makeing the trek with ML. I hope he appreciates you long time. Yes, I have done things for the Mr. which I'm embarassed to admit.. but him having been injured recently..I got the sheer pleasure of having to hold it while and peed and whipe it when he poo'd. nuff said..I win..I'd much rather enjoy the Maine woods hunting wild beasts..We did miss you at dinner..Better luck next year..MMMMWAH

  3. I'm seriously surprised that Mr. LKW came out of the woods unscathed because I would have fucking killed someone if I had to sit in a car driving around for 12 hours a day.

    My sacrifice? I have it pretty easy, I have to admit. However, it does suck giant monkey balls when ML goes on tour with his band every August. Not only do I have to do all the housework (I kill the lawn immediately) but I have to walk EVERYWHERE. I end up walking about 3 miles a day when he's not here. And I'm a lazy asshole, people.

  4. LMFAO@ "Not only would I have offered you my moose, but maybe some other stuff too... like my vagina." Amen to that!

    suddenly any sacrifices I make seem pretty small, not that I'll mention that to Mr. NotSmitten. I think you definitely deserve some sort of award for this one LKW!

  5. Talk about boring! Holy crap. Must be love. ;) My husband and I joke about how we could never be on "The Amazing Race" because we'd have to be up each other's asses for too long. I couldn't be with ANYBODY in a car that long.

    Hm, yeah, I make a huge sacrifice for my husband... I cook him meat! Yes, the near-vegan vegetarian cooks meat for her hubby. It was one of the first questions he asked on our first date, after he found out I was a vegetarian. Apparently a girl that doesn't cook meat is a deal breaker.

    I told him that I still consumed one animal ;) That won him over.

  6. @Charla, you crack me up. I'd kill my s/o as well... if I had to spend that much time with him.

    LKW I don't know how you did it. My s/o comes from a hunting family in MN. Gaaah, the idea of hunting is very foreign to me.

  7. Dear God, you poor woman! I can't sit still and stare at anything longer than 2 minutes.
    hmmm the only thing I would say I truly have sacrificed for Mr. Cat would be Football Sundays. For the last 10 years during football season, I let him sit in his chair for 10 hours and stare at the TV. I don't ask him to do anything those days (including watching our son) and generally. In the last couple years though, it's grown to my advantage because it's usually my day to escape the house with the little one or stare at Twi-shit for 10 hours...hmmm maybe that isn't a sacrifice after all..

  8. @LKW You are a good wife, I don't think even the promise of sparkly Edward peen could get me to go hunting.

    My biggest sacrifice is not consuming alcohol unless Mr. NCT and I are far apart. He's been sober for 13 years and the smell makes him feel sick. Sometimes this is okay and sometimes he is the reason I want to drink!

  9. I complained on twitter earlier today that my hub invited me to go wuth him to Home Depot and Harbor Freight (we also ended up at Sears and Advanced Auto Parts).

    Thanks LKW. Your hunting experience made my afternoon seem like a trip to IKEA.


  10. I'm the wife of a minister. 'Nuff said.

  11. The last exit on 95?! Are you kidding me? That is so in the middle of nowhere it's not even funny. We drove to St. John, NB at night and I was terrified of the car breaking down. There was nothing up there!

  12. @Danielle - St. John isn't much better in the daylight! :)

  13. Waitwaitwait, @Cullenary, what??? Um, does he know about, y'know, all of this madness? I'd love to know how THAT conversation went.

    @LKW, I can't imagine your patience. I would have brought my headphones and a book - there is no way I would have participated. I think he owes you BIG TIME.

    I'm probably (okay definitely) the harder one to put up with, so I can't complain about much, except football. Mr. XKR is RABID about football. For years I woke up at 6-something on Saturdays (and I sleep til 8 on weekdays) so that we could get to the tailgate *literally* before dawn, sit there and freeze our butts off, tailgate for 12 hours while he pounds beer and I try to ignore him, then sit through three hours of football while he cheers for our terrible team. Oh, and that's just Saturday. If I don't insist on going to church on Sunday morning, he won't even change out of PJs; he just goes from the bed to the couch and sits there watching football ALL FREAKING DAY (while I do the laundry, chores, etc. that I didn't get to on Saturday because I was freezing my buns off at the tailgate). He literally does nothing productive on weekends in the fall. Football season - sadly - has become the bane of my existence. But again - he puts up with way more than I have to, plus he works incredibly hard during the week, so maybe he's earned it. I'll keep him :)

  14. Ahhhhh...I am not a hunter but I know this infamous "Stump Moose". My family has gone on numerous national park vacations.

    My mom saw what she thought was a stump moose at our cabin in Montana walking through the woods. Until it started moving & she saw two little baby stump mooses. Then she ran like hell with her dog dragging behind her still trying to take a poop. LOL! I about died when she emailed me the same day this happend.

    We don't walk through the woods anymore since the last time I was there it was cougar that ran through our "yard". (I kept hoping to see Sparkly Edward chasing behind it too!)

  15. I never thought I'd be saying "My friend is out moose hunting this week..." but there you go! Twilight works in mysterious ways...

    P.S. You should have been hunting mountain lions if you were hoping for any sort of vampy run-in. Ooooor maybe a bear, if you would have settled for Emmett (and it sounds like at some point last week, you would have).

    : )

  16. LKW, I fucking heart your fucking face. Thanks for bringing hunting to the forefront of a Twi-themed blog. Now that I feel all edumacated, I'm totally gonna watch Twilight again and think "Damn. Latchy needs to go hunting with the Cullen's. They could just show her where to park, and she'd bag like 5 cows."

    That is a serious "You better know how much I love you now" situation. I am not into hunting. No sirree. I get it, and I'm cool if you do it, just don't strap me up in Day-glo and give me a shot gun. I'll probably just aim it at rocks and trees to see how many things I can ricochet with one bullet.

    Sacrifices for The Bentist? Only one. I drive on Friday nights most of the time. As in...Designated Driver. Or a little more accurately: I stopped drinking an hour ago and I've been sucking down water and breath mints so I can get us home safely. And that's a big deal! We go out every Friday night. And sometimes it's hard to say "No thanks, I don't want that perfectly golden, achingly beautiful shot of Jameson. I've gotta get this shit-faced kid home." He deserves it, though. He works 5 days/wk at a public health dental clinic. The mouths he has to look in and clean up....*shudder* I'd wanna get shitty every Friday night, too.

  17. @my after car - Yup he knows about the madness. He mainly chuckles about it, with the occasional eye roll thrown in for good measure. He's happy that I'm happy.

  18. I will admit when we were deep in the woods, there may have been an instant when I thought if I whacked him over the head with the butt end of the gun and pushed him out of the car... no one would find his body for a veeeeeeeery long time. But then I realized I would've never been able to navigate myself out of the fucking woods - even with the GPS!

  19. Wow more power to you LKW. If my hubby were a hunter, he wouldn't be my hubby :) That would be a deal breaker.

  20. The Elusive Mooses - great band name if any of the Twitards want to form one.

    My DH who never ever ever ever was gonna be a father to anyone on two legs gave me my sweet daughter. And he's a great dad. So, I pretty much love him no matter what. He made the sacrifice for me, so I have nothing to complain about.

    Glad you made it home OK!

  21. I will not trouble your pretty heads with the sacrifices I make for my husband. Suffice to say that most of our family and friends think I am living Saint.

    @LKW-You are so fucking hot in that dayglo orange...for real sister. You are a fucking dayglo orange saint I tell you. I should have made you promise me moose meat for that dare you put me up to...then your freezer would be clear for all those bodies you keep threatening to stash in there. Move that moose meat out west!

    'Gina season is open!

  22. I am CRYING laughing here.....Dear GOD! This was just so very fucking funny! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha


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