Thursday, November 4, 2010

I need Robert Pattinson to fill my void.

I've noticed a pattern lately. The world seems to get crazier every day. My head feels like it's going to explode from the extreme amounts of assholeosity I have to suffer on a daily basis. Is it possible to die from overexposure to douchebaggery? I could hardly type at work today because I was giving my e-mail the double finger salute at least 85% of the time. It's not uncommon for me to hang up with a client and yell, "Get herpes and die, you monkey fucking ass clown!!!!"

LKW designed a shirt for me with this motto. I love her.

Today seemed to be the worst day in a while. I couldn't get one person's foot out of my ass before some other fucker was trying to shove his up there. I will be shitting loafers for a week.

Hey, kids! Wait until you get into the 'real' world! It's super duper mega fun!

What happened to the planet? Is there a global gas leak and only a handful of people are immune? Someone needs to fix this before I end up on the six o'clock news for tearing off heads, Alice style. Well, world, who you gonna call?

You rang?

We need Rob. In a bad way. Clearly, there is a correlation between the increasing insanity and the worst Precious drought we've ever seen. I predict mass rioting within the next month. Rob! We need you! (Call me.)

Since it seems that NO ONE is willing to do a new RPattz photo shoot, we need his new films to be released. Stat. Bel Ami should be the next movie in theaters, but they haven't even announced the release date yet. [Cue collective hysteria, screaming and flailing.] For the love of all things holy, we don't need a coherent story. Just show us some stills of RPattz with swelling music in the background. I'll pay to see it at least a dozen times.

Oh yeah, that hits the spot.

A little to the left, please.

We can even let your friend there watch.

My, what a big cane you have.

For the first time ever, I am looking forward to tax day. The Water for Elephants release should ease the anal plundering from Uncle Sam. I'm keeping my movie ticket stubs because that should be a tax write off. The 1040 has a SRS BSNS deduction, right?

Are you pooping? Hell, I'd pay to see that at this point.

Oh, you dirty, dirty boy.

I'm filling your void, TK.

Are we going for a ride? You don't have to ask me twice. Or once.

Will this drought never end? How can we be expected to survive this? I'm just a mere mortal with a gaping, gaping hole only the Precious can fill.

And I mean that in more ways than one. Or, maybe not. Okay, yes. No. Whatever, you know what I mean.


  1. Oh TK, I agree. I think the world is getting more assholish by the day because of this Rob drought. I mean even Mr. Cat is getting cranky!
    I have figured out that if I bring my tiny book of Robert Pattinson along in my purse to work, it does help! And yes...there really is a tiny book of Robert Pattinson.

    wv: comid. If I don't have some Precious soon, I might just have to comid myself.

  2. Oh @TK I was feeling you pain up until the other day when The Cold Shower posted a bunch of pics I have never seen was like a breath of fresh air. Aaaaahhhhhh! Hot, sexy Rob flavored air!

    And on a totally unrelated topic, I have spent the last 2 days in a room full of young firemen...and I say we start a petition that gets Rob to play a fireman, cuz their hhhhaaaawwwwtttt!

  3. I just don't see the goodness that in what you all call the "Precious." So I'll just replace other hawt celebrities where you put the words Robert Pattinson, RPattz, or Rob.

  4. I'm sorry, was there writing in this post?

    Also, Uma, get the fuck out of the way, please. You are obscuring my view of Rob's... hand and are you like seven fucking feet tall you giraffe-necked* Amazon? Hmm?

    *hyphen dedicated to Snarkier Than You

  5. You had me at the Dr. Suess book. That was freak'n brilliant!

  6. omg i am so desperate for new rpatts footage that i actually got all hot and bothered by that pic of him and uma thurman. and i had used that pic as my wallpaper for weeks and weeks before poor mr. snarky opened the laptop in front of a room full of his bandmates and BOOM there was a really um "not-guy-y" pic and i kinda felt bad. but anyway, I WANT HIS HANDS ON MY TITS! there i said it. fucking sidle up behind me, say something raspy against my neck, put your big, long-fingered hands close to my boobs, and then hold me the fuck up because i WILL be unable to stand on my own feet.
    i can't take this!!! how long are we going to have to wait?! someone roll out a red carpet somewhere and force that man to strut down it, please? for me???

  7. did you know that there's a new rpattz movie out!? it came out on and distrust! go rent it!

  8. TK, I know re-runs aren't as good as new episodes, but check out tumblr and see alot of Rob. Mrs. P has a good one.

  9. I'm doin ok with this drought (I know, you're going to kill me) but Tumblr is helping A LOOOOT!!! Peeps are posting pics I've never seen so thats good.

    But still, what I wouldn't give to see some new pics.

  10. The void is so bad that I may end up licking the door knob at Glowball tomorrow when I have Rob's balls...and door knobs are nasty, nasty festering receptacles of germy badness. But I am hoping Rob's germs are still there...of course he probably didn't open his own door. Fuck. Do you think they will tell me where he sat so that I can rub my bum on his seat? This is bad people....we NEED him. Delirium is setting in. Not good.

    @TK--When alas we meet someday I am not sure I am going to be able to get the 'gaping hole' image out of my head. So if I look a little distracted...that's why. XO

  11. @norcaltwitard- how have I never been to the cold shower???? There were pics of my sexy,tattooed bartender urban fantasy hero Rob.

    And where the hell is BelAmi???? We 19th century lovers have been dying to see it forever. Bring it on!!!!

    w/v-balkin. they're balkin us on Bel Ami

  12. @Myg--*high five* for that entire Uma rant. Also, I read that as "hymen dedicated to STY" & it didn't even give me pause. Ha!

    @VitR--You can think about my hole; it's ok.

  13. Hmmm, I don't seem to have that Dr. Suess book in our collection. LMAO!!

    Anyhoo, you are totes correct TK. Want more. NEED MORE!!! Those outtakes the other day helped, but it's not enough. It's never enough.

  14. I feel like Rob is enjoying our pain a little bit. It's like he's trying to tell us this daily obsession with seeing his face is unhealthy or something. Whatever. You're not my mother Rob, you're my drug of choice and I need a better drug dealer.

    Do the people who created Bel Ami know what they have in their hands?! Use me, abuse me with it. I'll pay for a trailer at this point, for reelz. Heck, they can release the whole movie and I still go and see it 12 times with you TK... and then buy 2 copies of the DVD:)

    I guess I'll go make another Rob video in the mean time. You do what you gotta do.

  15. LOL, when Eclipse was just coming out my gf and I joked that we would be satisfied even if they just played the fuckhawt Edward strut from NM on the big screen for 2 hours!!! I say joked, but is totally true!

    Hmmmm, maybe we should organize a Biel video viewing party?!!!

  16. I feel ya on the drought, I am getting desperate as well. BUT there is hope... need I remind you, ladies, that the Eclipse DVD will be hitting the shelves in t-minus 4 weeks!! Can I get a mother fucking SQUEEE?! For now, I will satisfy my Precious needs by checking out Mrs. P's tumblr page and various other robporn sites... frequently. xoxo

  17. The silence about Bel Ami, lack of North American distributor, whatever, is troubling.

    Considering who is in it--including but not limited to the world's no. 1 heartthrob (yes, even people who hate/fear him have wives who want to see him nekkid)--this picture should be an easy sell. Only two explanations come to mind.

    1. It's really a stinker. For some reason not at all necessarily related to RP (and the more hundreds of times I watch Twilight, the better he seems in it)it may be really, really bad and yet the principals are busy/expensive and can't be roped in for reshooting anything. In the cosmos of movies, and in the big shadow of Hollywood, Bel Ami is just a dinky little art house picture.

    2.CONSPIRACY THEORY ALERT!! Summit/Stephenie and her minions have somehow brought pressure, bribes, threats to bear on the production company. Because they don't want dear chaste Edward revealed to the world to be a fucking machine. There, I said it.

    But thanks for the pics, TK. We can all dream.

  18. Oops, apologies for a second comment. But for accuracy I should have added that in the conspiracy theory version, Bel Ami may not come out until Breaking Dawn, after which Summit et al would care somewhat less about us all seeing Edward's bare ass going up and down.

  19. @getinthecar - OME I totally think you are onto something there!!! We've seen them in action before, after all they do keep resurrecting Robsten every time anything Twilighty is happening *ducks and hides from the Robsten lovers*

  20. Um, exsqueeze me, how come I've never heard of this Cold Shower blog??! Good grief, I should have known better than to go there at work but when I learned there may pictures of the Precious I haven't seen yet, I had to go!! LOL Holy hell. Now how am I supposed to get any work done. *Le sigh*

    I have pics of RPattz hidden throughout my cube. If I move a certain book or binder, ta dah! Picture of RPattz. If I open my pencil drawer and start digging around for gawd knows what, suprise! Picture of RPattz underneath. I open my overhead cabinet and on the back panel, you guessed it, a picture of RPattz!

    Hey, a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do. And it certainly does brighten an otherwise crap-filled day at work.

  21. Oh TK... I love you. I'm having that kind of day today. I knew I should've just stayed on vacation and not come back to work a day early! Oh well... live and learn. Thanks for the Rob porn. I need that. Of course I did get a few strange looks from coworkers who caught me dry humping my computer. Not an easy feat I might add -- having to climb up on my desk and such.

  22. First let me say that The Cold Shower is AWESOME!!! It's a one stop Rob shop for all your Rob needs.

    My office neighb has a ton of Rob photos up in her cubie (I might have encouraged her a bit). All the pics I, I mean she, all the pics that SHE put up are pure Rob awesomesauce but lately we've taken to enhancing the photos. So far we have Glam/Almost Tranny Rob and Pierced Rob. I'm not proud of it but what's a girl with a short attention span and no new photos to do?

  23. I need new RobP0rn!
    *rocks back and forth*
    I need new RobP0rn!!
    *rocks back and forth*
    I need new RobPorn!!!
    *rocks back and forth*

  24. "For the love of all things holy, we don't need a coherent story." You got that effin' right! Show me the pretty face!

    If it wasn't for Robp33n Wednesdays, TwiSherryNSFW, and MrsP_Twibite, I don't know what I would do right now!

    I've even been closely examining my Pocket Edward to see what he's packing!

  25. I think I just pissed myself laughing. Note to seld: Do more kegels before reading Twitarded blog again.


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